I got this email and after a brief exchange it was decided to post the question here as it is a topic of practical relevance, as a VR can derail days or more of a retreat, as can its counterpart, the VV (Vipassana Vendetta).

Here's the original question copied from the email:

"Dear Mr. Ingram,

May I ask you one question? My name is Katrin, I work for the guardian and I want to write a small article about Vipassana Romance. Could yo tell me something about this phenomenon? Why does it happen? How often does it happen? How many people experience this? Did you experience it, too? How can I do to avoid it? I'm looking forward to hearing from you! Regards, Katrin

--
Katrin Schmiedekampf" of the Guardian, UK

I thought that more perspectives than mine would be of value, as I never came down with a full-blown VR, though I had a number of VV's (usually people who had very loud breathing who were sitting near me, one guy who snored loudly and kept me from sleeping).

Anyway, I thought that some could chime in, as this is a relatively common phenomenon.

As to my take on avoiding it: practice, keep your eyes down and on non-distracting objects, and realize that the chances you are right about how wonderful they are based on first impressions is low. Not much fun, but better than wasting days of a retreat on a fantasy.

Daniel

If you can spare time for a concentration practice, then cultivating equanimity can be helpful.

Choosing notes wisely can also be good. Label it as "desire" or "ignorance" or "craving" or some other such word that highlights the non-beneficial nature of such feelings, and ensures that they don't get confused with something like "love." Which VR is not, and is pretty unlikely to lead to.

Guardian name search

Is it an old email?

Spiegel author search

?



Replace days of a retreat with years of a life and you have an Adyashanti quote.

Not an old email: just got it a few days ago.

Daniel

My first Vipassana retreat, there was a really cute girl sitting a few rows away and I totally got the VR for her. I spent about 5 days completely enchanted with her, and eventually came to realize that this was completely wasting my time at the retreat, and distracting me from my practice.

So, to handle it, I resolved not to look at her or look in her direction, or even to look at the women's side of the room. To cement my resolve, I came up with a slogan in my mind: "she's dead to me." Whenever any thought entered my mind, I would just tell myself, "she's dead to me," then look away and continue on with my business. It worked wonderfully, and I didn't look again until the end of the course.

It's funny to recall that experience now.

oh... I wonder what she's up to now anyway. he he...