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I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son

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The book MCTB is a book with very clarified and well put out tip regarding the path, but at same time it can be dangerous and its traps for people who have a bigger ego and might be bit unstable. 
I will point out some things that Made my road with this bit tricky.

I meditated on and of for 2 years, it went quite good with progress with ones concentration.


”Until you can get into access concentration, you ain’t got squat.” This was at a point where things went quite well with concentration, but this line really boogled me at that time and I became quite frustrated over it (even read that this have happened for other people at dharma overground aswell), is this really a phrase one should type out when the essence of meditation is just to be and being present? For someone who is a seeker and around 20-27 who haven’t finished developing ones consequence thinking yet, (which I believe allot of seekers can be around that age) it might be devastating.
I had at this time quite good progress with concentration, but that line really triggered oneself and put one down on a path where one had hard time to just be.


Disclaimer: I have hard time writing and putting out texts well at this time, I’m quite certain my frontal lobe is impaired and having a wrecked nervous system..


Other crucial part regarding this book is it might be harder for people not to search up a teacher. This is though a itchy part due Ingram have met allot of teachers etc as it seems which he have learned from which one should take with from reading this book, but I guess there is a trap to have learned the core teachings of buddha and ones mind to sort out that meeting a teacher can wait for a bit.

Wisdom.
Here it get talked about how dangerous it can be to go through the arising and passing, and that Ingram highly advocates people not to go through with this which is good and that I took with me... 
But lets also also talk about how fascinating sensations can be and our great experience and skip out the rest of how it can really be of living with a life with kundalini and passing through A&P.
I was though quite afraid of A&P when read about it and didn’t want to reach it until I had atleast reached the first jhana.
But with a quite unstable life and a impaired frontal lobe after trying to reach jhana which caused allot of straining, there where not much critical thinking present left... So I ended up hitting A&P (after also following Krishnamurti a bit who said choiceless awareness is the only practice needed, I guess deep in my mind after reading other things that this is wrong but I might have been searching for a false salvation..)

This experience was quite interesting in the beginning, some energy rising from the base of the spine, and some psychic things happenings, but no change in ones experience to ones life or how it can change ones awareness, I guess that a impaired frontal lobe can make one disconnected from it, huge no no advice for someone who might have this issue. 

What am I trying to get out with this text? Is it just about blaming the book of how a person ended up in this position and wanted to take away all ones blame from oneself and put it somewhere else?.. Partly I guess.

I guess there is a reason why books comes out where they give out plain and simple concentration advice and stay away from writing more about wisdom, it can be good for a person to reach a teacher and learn from there and maybe the teacher might give a very clarified answer to ones problem since it’s easier to find ones issue in person and even maybe to give the advice not to go this path if one isn't suited for it.. 
It is though really easier these days to read a book and not seek a advanced teacher.

To be honest, I’m bit afraid of putting this out. Who knows It might not be good for ones karma or the path of the buddha, and maybe I might get psychic attacks or what not (bet not), but at same time I’m already so fucking scared of ending up in eternal hell. So it might not even matter.

I hope even though with my shitty way of writing these day, that maybe something will be taken with with this text. Maybe in my optimistic thinking life things will be edited or  in the next book after this or atleast some more after thoughts, that’s atleast one of my main reasons why I wrote this post. I don’t want mctb or dharma overground to go down or anything, there are allot of wise people in here and I’ve had some great advice, but sometimes I guess it can be good to hear many experiences on the path of the darma which can give a broader experience of living the life with this path,even the bad ones.. 


I wish I could have been a great example for people in this life, but it seemed that I just became a warning of what not to do..

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/1/19 7:52 PM as a reply to Johan Persson.
Johan Persson:
The book MCTB is a book with very clarified and well put out tip regarding the path, but at same time it can be dangerous and its traps for people who have a bigger ego and might be bit unstable. 
I will point out some things that Made my road with this bit tricky.

I meditated on and of for 2 years, it went quite good with progress with ones concentration.


”Until you can get into access concentration, you ain’t got squat.” This was at a point where things went quite well with concentration, but this line really boogled me at that time and I became quite frustrated over it (even read that this have happened for other people at dharma overground aswell), is this really a phrase one should type out when the essence of meditation is just to be and being present? For someone who is a seeker and around 20-27 who haven’t finished developing ones consequence thinking yet, (which I believe allot of seekers can be around that age) it might be devastating.
I had at this time quite good progress with concentration, but that line really triggered oneself and put one down on a path where one had hard time to just be.


Disclaimer: I have hard time writing and putting out texts well at this time, I’m quite certain my frontal lobe is impaired and having a wrecked nervous system..


Other crucial part regarding this book is it might be harder for people not to search up a teacher. This is though a itchy part due Ingram have met allot of teachers etc as it seems which he have learned from which one should take with from reading this book, but I guess there is a trap to have learned the core teachings of buddha and ones mind to sort out that meeting a teacher can wait for a bit.

Wisdom.
Here it get talked about how dangerous it can be to go through the arising and passing, and that Ingram highly advocates people not to go through with this which is good and that I took with me... 
But lets also also talk about how fascinating sensations can be and our great experience and skip out the rest of how it can really be of living with a life with kundalini and passing through A&P.
I was though quite afraid of A&P when read about it and didn’t want to reach it until I had atleast reached the first jhana.
But with a quite unstable life and a impaired frontal lobe after trying to reach jhana which caused allot of straining, there where not much critical thinking present left... So I ended up hitting A&P (after also following Krishnamurti a bit who said choiceless awareness is the only practice needed, I guess deep in my mind after reading other things that this is wrong but I might have been searching for a false salvation..)

This experience was quite interesting in the beginning, some energy rising from the base of the spine, and some psychic things happenings, but no change in ones experience to ones life or how it can change ones awareness, I guess that a impaired frontal lobe can make one disconnected from it, huge no no advice for someone who might have this issue. 

What am I trying to get out with this text? Is it just about blaming the book of how a person ended up in this position and wanted to take away all ones blame from oneself and put it somewhere else?.. Partly I guess.

I guess there is a reason why books comes out where they give out plain and simple concentration advice and stay away from writing more about wisdom, it can be good for a person to reach a teacher and learn from there and maybe the teacher might give a very clarified answer to ones problem since it’s easier to find ones issue in person and even maybe to give the advice not to go this path if one isn't suited for it.. 
It is though really easier these days to read a book and not seek a advanced teacher.

To be honest, I’m bit afraid of putting this out. Who knows It might not be good for ones karma or the path of the buddha, and maybe I might get psychic attacks or what not (bet not), but at same time I’m already so fucking scared of ending up in eternal hell. So it might not even matter.

I hope even though with my shitty way of writing these day, that maybe something will be taken with with this text. Maybe in my optimistic thinking life things will be edited or  in the next book after this or atleast some more after thoughts, that’s atleast one of my main reasons why I wrote this post. I don’t want mctb or dharma overground to go down or anything, there are allot of wise people in here and I’ve had some great advice, but sometimes I guess it can be good to hear many experiences on the path of the darma which can give a broader experience of living the life with this path,even the bad ones.. 


I wish I could have been a great example for people in this life, but it seemed that I just became a warning of what not to do..

aloha johan,

   I read this over a couple of times, trying to find a question. I guess if there is a question, and not just a cautionary tale, it would be regarding the value of statements like, ”Until you can get into access concentration, you ain’t got squat.” Aside from the grammatical issue (which is not negligible, in my view), the implication is that there is something to be gained from meditation. Mastery, no less. This is what is often called "spiritual materialism" (chogyam trungpa wrote a book with that title). The buddha warned against such attachments; you might say it is a core teaching, the second noble truth. Suffering is caused by desire, and the  desire for spiritual "achievements," ones you can count up and brag about, thereby gaining recognition and plaudits, not to mention inner peace and an end to all suffering (as though this were happening on some sort of regular basis to actual human beings we might know) are among the most seductive.

   I would suggest forgoing any attachment to words and sticking with the choiceless awareness. Neither do my words have any particular value. Until you can get past words, you ain't got squat. Because, even "choiceless awareness"- or "ultimate reality" - is a conditioned dharma, and thus a cloak for the real truth, which is beyond imagining. One can only accept the mystery and its power, tao and teh.

terry


from lin yutang's classic 'the wisdom of lao tse':


56.2. IT'S DIFFICULT NOT TO TALK ABOUT TAO. Chuangtse says, "It is easy to know Tao, and difficult not to talk about it. To know and not to talk about it is to follow nature; to know and talk about it is to follow man. The ancients followed nature and did not follow man." (8:13) 

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/2/19 5:09 AM as a reply to Johan Persson.
Hello there Johan,

Feel your pain man. You might not believe it but you are actually walking the path, how difficult it may be. I do agree that it in many cases it would be better if young people first grounded themselves in the material world before taking up a destabilizing spiritual practice. But hey, do we practitioners have any choice in this matter? No, I don't think so? We will gravitate to those teachings that resonate with us and understand them through our conditioning.

If not MCTB then it will be something else, it is especially in the nature of young men fueled by large amounts of free-floating testosterone to set out on the "hero's journey" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

I much rather prefer that those young men and women too, of course, have the right information and maps instead of wandering in the dark.

Why do you suspect you have an impaired frontal lobe?  Maybe it's just large amounts of energy accumulated in the head? I have that too on and off.

Maybe stop meditating and take up strenuous physical exercise?  There are rumors on the street that heavy squats can make wonders for your embodiment.

All the best and bear hug

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/2/19 7:23 AM as a reply to terry.
terry:
Johan Persson:
The book MCTB is a book with very clarified and well put out tip regarding the path, but at same time it can be dangerous and its traps for people who have a bigger ego and might be bit unstable. 
I will point out some things that Made my road with this bit tricky.

I meditated on and of for 2 years, it went quite good with progress with ones concentration.


”Until you can get into access concentration, you ain’t got squat.” This was at a point where things went quite well with concentration, but this line really boogled me at that time and I became quite frustrated over it (even read that this have happened for other people at dharma overground aswell), is this really a phrase one should type out when the essence of meditation is just to be and being present? For someone who is a seeker and around 20-27 who haven’t finished developing ones consequence thinking yet, (which I believe allot of seekers can be around that age) it might be devastating.
I had at this time quite good progress with concentration, but that line really triggered oneself and put one down on a path where one had hard time to just be.


Disclaimer: I have hard time writing and putting out texts well at this time, I’m quite certain my frontal lobe is impaired and having a wrecked nervous system..


Other crucial part regarding this book is it might be harder for people not to search up a teacher. This is though a itchy part due Ingram have met allot of teachers etc as it seems which he have learned from which one should take with from reading this book, but I guess there is a trap to have learned the core teachings of buddha and ones mind to sort out that meeting a teacher can wait for a bit.

Wisdom.
Here it get talked about how dangerous it can be to go through the arising and passing, and that Ingram highly advocates people not to go through with this which is good and that I took with me... 
But lets also also talk about how fascinating sensations can be and our great experience and skip out the rest of how it can really be of living with a life with kundalini and passing through A&P.
I was though quite afraid of A&P when read about it and didn’t want to reach it until I had atleast reached the first jhana.
But with a quite unstable life and a impaired frontal lobe after trying to reach jhana which caused allot of straining, there where not much critical thinking present left... So I ended up hitting A&P (after also following Krishnamurti a bit who said choiceless awareness is the only practice needed, I guess deep in my mind after reading other things that this is wrong but I might have been searching for a false salvation..)

This experience was quite interesting in the beginning, some energy rising from the base of the spine, and some psychic things happenings, but no change in ones experience to ones life or how it can change ones awareness, I guess that a impaired frontal lobe can make one disconnected from it, huge no no advice for someone who might have this issue. 

What am I trying to get out with this text? Is it just about blaming the book of how a person ended up in this position and wanted to take away all ones blame from oneself and put it somewhere else?.. Partly I guess.

I guess there is a reason why books comes out where they give out plain and simple concentration advice and stay away from writing more about wisdom, it can be good for a person to reach a teacher and learn from there and maybe the teacher might give a very clarified answer to ones problem since it’s easier to find ones issue in person and even maybe to give the advice not to go this path if one isn't suited for it.. 
It is though really easier these days to read a book and not seek a advanced teacher.

To be honest, I’m bit afraid of putting this out. Who knows It might not be good for ones karma or the path of the buddha, and maybe I might get psychic attacks or what not (bet not), but at same time I’m already so fucking scared of ending up in eternal hell. So it might not even matter.

I hope even though with my shitty way of writing these day, that maybe something will be taken with with this text. Maybe in my optimistic thinking life things will be edited or  in the next book after this or atleast some more after thoughts, that’s atleast one of my main reasons why I wrote this post. I don’t want mctb or dharma overground to go down or anything, there are allot of wise people in here and I’ve had some great advice, but sometimes I guess it can be good to hear many experiences on the path of the darma which can give a broader experience of living the life with this path,even the bad ones.. 


I wish I could have been a great example for people in this life, but it seemed that I just became a warning of what not to do..

aloha johan,

   I read this over a couple of times, trying to find a question. I guess if there is a question, and not just a cautionary tale, it would be regarding the value of statements like, ”Until you can get into access concentration, you ain’t got squat.” Aside from the grammatical issue (which is not negligible, in my view), the implication is that there is something to be gained from meditation. Mastery, no less. This is what is often called "spiritual materialism" (chogyam trungpa wrote a book with that title). The buddha warned against such attachments; you might say it is a core teaching, the second noble truth. Suffering is caused by desire, and the  desire for spiritual "achievements," ones you can count up and brag about, thereby gaining recognition and plaudits, not to mention inner peace and an end to all suffering (as though this were happening on some sort of regular basis to actual human beings we might know) are among the most seductive.

   I would suggest forgoing any attachment to words and sticking with the choiceless awareness. Neither do my words have any particular value. Until you can get past words, you ain't got squat. Because, even "choiceless awareness"- or "ultimate reality" - is a conditioned dharma, and thus a cloak for the real truth, which is beyond imagining. One can only accept the mystery and its power, tao and teh.

terry


from lin yutang's classic 'the wisdom of lao tse':


56.2. IT'S DIFFICULT NOT TO TALK ABOUT TAO. Chuangtse says, "It is easy to know Tao, and difficult not to talk about it. To know and not to talk about it is to follow nature; to know and talk about it is to follow man. The ancients followed nature and did not follow man." (8:13) 


It's hard forgoing word if its the frontal lobe you are focusing on, when its a handicap and not something to leave behind with just saying it's a limitation or a attachment, word.

Read in mctb and so on that one should stay out of choiceless awareness until one have atleast reached 1/2 jhana due one is aware of sensations but one can not label what it is without proper concentration. I do get though that I should stay away from the attachment of hell, but it's hard when everything have spiraled downwards

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/2/19 7:07 AM as a reply to Jyet.
Jyet:
Hello there Johan,

Feel your pain man. You might not believe it but you are actually walking the path, how difficult it may be. I do agree that it in many cases it would be better if young people first grounded themselves in the material world before taking up a destabilizing spiritual practice. But hey, do we practitioners have any choice in this matter? No, I don't think so? We will gravitate to those teachings that resonate with us and understand them through our conditioning.

If not MCTB then it will be something else, it is especially in the nature of young men fueled by large amounts of free-floating testosterone to set out on the "hero's journey" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hero%27s_journey

I much rather prefer that those young men and women too, of course, have the right information and maps instead of wandering in the dark.

Why do you suspect you have an impaired frontal lobe?  Maybe it's just large amounts of energy accumulated in the head? I have that too on and off.

Maybe stop meditating and take up strenuous physical exercise?  There are rumors on the street that heavy squats can make wonders for your embodiment.

All the best and bear hug

Hey thanks for reply. Yes, it's quite hard to stay out of it when the urge is there.

I haven't had a single thought for nearly 2 years, had others before kundalin but they weren't analytic etc that frontal lobe is concentrated on. Might just tho be blockages that shuts them off, thats atleast what I'm trying to hope for that gives one some kind of motivation to go through with this.

Ty for hugs, appreciated

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/2/19 5:45 PM as a reply to Johan Persson.
Johan Persson:


It's hard forgoing word if its the frontal lobe you are focusing on, when its a handicap and not something to leave behind with just saying it's a limitation or a attachment, word.

Read in mctb and so on that one should stay out of choiceless awareness until one have atleast reached 1/2 jhana due one is aware of sensations but one can not label what it is without proper concentration. I do get though that I should stay away from the attachment of hell, but it's hard when everything have spiraled downwards


aloha johan,

   "Handicap" is just a word as well. You are what you are. Make it shine.

terry



from lin yutan's 'wisdom of lao tse,' quoting chuang tzu:


There was a hunchback named Su. his jaws touched his navel. His shoulders were higher than his head. His neck bone stuck out toward the sky. His viscera were turned upside down. His buttocks were on the same level with his ribs. By tailoring, or washing, he was able to earn his living. By sifting rice from husks he could make enough to support a family of ten. When orders came down for a conscription, the hunchback walked about unconcerned among the crowd. And similarly, in government conscription for public works, his deformity saved him from being called. On the other hand, when it came to government donations of grain for the disabled, the hunchback received as much as three chung, and of firewood, ten faggots. And if physical deformity was thus enough to preserve his body until the end of his days, how much more should moral and mental deformity avail! (1:17 )

RE: I killed a soul, a life and a mothers son
Answer
4/2/19 7:18 PM as a reply to Johan Persson.
I don’t doubt that you are struggling. However, your posts are full of thoughts, so not a single thought for nearly two years can’t be right. I suppose you mean that you are having difficulties with reflecting about choices and actions in daily life? The frontal lobe is very sensitive to stress, so if you have had a burnout it may need some time to heal. Luckily, the brain is plastic, so there’s hope of regaining function.

What can we do for you? What do you need?

I thought the frontal lobe was mainly about executive functioning and affect regulation and empathy.