Hi, my name is Emma - I am new to insight practice and the DhO, and wanted to post a note of thanks.

I spent most of my twenties following an American Hindu-style "master," not unlike the teacher described in Bill Hamilton's book Saints & Psychopaths (which, incidentally was an awesome, healing read). While I ultimately left that situation profoundly hurt and disillusioned, I did have some very real spiritual experiences in my years of involvement, along the lines of what is described here as the A&P. And as much as I would like to forget a lot of what happened and what I participated in, I do have have the feeling of not being able to go back somehow - spiritual and existential questions just bother me...a lot. After reading more in the past year about the progress of insight, my best guess is that I have being cycling again and again through the dark night for years, becoming quite identified with myself as an easily depressed and melancholy person.

These feelings of depression hit me very strongly again the other day in a "here we go again" kind of way, and I found it very difficult to meditate. Sulking around on this site though, I had the perspective-altering realization that all my depression and existential dread, just like everything else, was not really me and not permanent. That it was mainly just a pressure in my chest combined with a slightly nauseous feeling in my stomach and a lot of negative thoughts. I am sure this fact seems painfully obvious to most readers on this forum, but the realization immediately broke up my depression in a way that had never happened before. I feel hope about spiritual life in a way I have not for years, and now take comfort in the fact that, even if I never make any more progress, that depressed feeling will still remain transitory and not me.

So, thanks - really, I can't describe what a change this is for me. What is happening on this site is really helpful.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Emma

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the DhO.

Quite a poignant post for your first post. Waking up can be almost like a rebirth in itself, as your testimony attests. If you stick with your new found discoveries and keep working at it, you should discover what the other side of the coin looks like. All people really want is to be told the truth and how to find it out for themselves. As you continue to grow and explore the Dhamma that Gotama taught, you may be amazed at all the "stuff" you used to "buy into," and begin seeing it for what it actually is for the first time.

The power of ideas and the mind to create reality is not something to be taken too lightly. It can hold people hostage to falsehoods, keeping them bottled up, anxious, and afraid for their future, not to mention their present. It's much better to be able to see reality as it actually is and know that one does indeed have some control over it, because then one has something solid that one can deal with, rather than to be tied up in negative thought and despair over something that only exists within the mind itself. (Personally, I think most of us realize this even when we're in the midst of it. It's just that we don't know how to get out of this trap once it has sprung on us.)


I've been through the "American Hindu-style master" syndrome myself, some twenty years ago now. It took a few well placed words by Gotama (and, truthfully, one or two others) in the form of the Kalama Sutta to help me to begin the journey to break all this down into something that was more acceptable and realistic. It would seem as though you may be at the beginning of just such a journey yourself.


That's an important insight to have arrived at, Emma. If you explore "feeling" (vedana), and how phenomena affect the way you feel along with the subsequent volitional tendencies that are produced, in a deeper way and consistent with what the Dhamma teaches, you should be able to discover for yourself the origins of this dukkha, how it arises, how it subsides, and the way leading to its cessation. In that process, you will learn how to liberate yourself from such potential dissatisfaction.

Thank you for sharing a part of your story with us. All the best to you on your journey.

Ian

Hi Emma, welcome to the DhO!



Amazing isn't it?! And you will get better and better at it too

I used to think there was a point in suffering, but nowadays I find my previous reasons somewhat unconvincing. I am getting to the point where I find it really foolish to suffer, and am willing to be done with it, break it up, get out of such moods, as soon as I see them coming.

And doing so over and over again really counts as a practice. On one hand, I can see these silly dark moods showing up in ever more premature stages, and on the other hand, I am getting better at "nipping it in the bud," switch over, and just be happy instead! And it's really much better to be happy, and much easier than I previously thought!

There's really a lot which can be done with meditation, and you will probably enjoy the more down-to-earth, practical approach taken here at DhO, instead of the spiritual mumbo-jumbo spiritual teachers usually preach. Any form of meditation is just a mental exercise, with specific goals which can be described in a straightforward way.

Have you read "Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha," by Daniel Ingram? It's a really good book on insight meditation.

Have fun
bruno

Welcome to the Dharma Overground, Emma! May the practices and levels of practice discussed here continue to inspire and draw you on! Your poignant and insightful writing suggests that there will be no stopping you. You seem to have grasped one of most important understandings that enables Insight to take root - that the self is merely a thought-process which dresses itself up in transitory phenomena to keep itself alive. I am sure many of us here have been through the repeated dark cycles you refer to; perhaps once you have pursued your insight to its conclusion, you will look back and not mind the bitter times so much - will perhaps even see in them with some gratitude the motive force that led you to set your mind free.

Hi Emma,

Thank you so much for your post. I can relate to much of what you said. I too am new to insight practice and the DhO and had a similar experience a few months ago when I realized all the depression and anxiety I have struggled with over the years were not really "me" ...it was just sensations I had clinged to over many years and formed a self with. It was a moment of profound relief and joy, and the peace of that realization has not left me since that moment. I had never been exposed to the maps of insight before, and now can see clearly that having had a few significant A&P events 10 years ago, I had gotten stuck in Dark Night territory for many years. I never really thought I would find a way out to be honest....the heaviness of it had become a way of life. Finding D. Ingram's book and this web site, has really opened up things more than I could have imagined.

Thank you again for your heart felt post .

Tonya

Welcome! Your post really spoke to me, as this exact thing happened to me about a week ago. Instead of watching a movie with friends I decided to meditate. Am I glad I made that choice. I had been experiencing very painful anger, irritation, and frustration recently, and especially while meditating. Every little thing set me off. "Why can't I see this sensation? Why is my foot itching? Why can't I make progress? AGH," to the point where I would twitch for every little thing. And then I guess it finally got through to me to look at the feeling, realize it isn't me, and realize it is suffering. It should be obvious that it was suffering, but I realized more that me looking at them in that particular way was suffering. And immediately I felt myself unwind coupled with a huge sensation of relief. It's only been a week but it's still held up! And all the things that used to anger and annoy me don't any more. It really was just the Dark Night.

Anyway, good luck, have fun, get enlightened =).