Is someone willing to diagnose my practice? - Discussion
Hi guys,
I’m a TMI practitioner curious whether my practice can be “diagnosed” with insight stage criteria. I have some basic knowledge about Progress of Insight, but not in depth. I was wandering whether some experienced MCTB practitioner could estimate whether there’s any nanas involved in my practice. I hope someone will have patience for me here
Current practice: Daily 45 minutes of modified TMI practice. Basically: I count my breaths, for example, saying “1” after the in-breath, as an “evidence” that the in-breath has been in my experience. I perceive the breath as a monolith sensation, without trying to investigate the details. When attention stabilizes, I start with noting thoughts every few breaths, a.k.a “checking in”(as soon as I start doing that, unvoluntary body shaking occurs very often). When I encounter issues (distractions, dullness, restlessness etc.), I apply some antidote or slightly modify the technique with the aim of making appropriate balance within the 7 factors of awakening. Lately, in my good days, I am aware of the breath 95% of the time and feel peaceful. On bad days, I focus on applying the antidotes. I’m around TMI stage 4.
Practice pattern: (What I am about to describe is an outline of my background history, things are a bit better now, crises are not so strong and I have a greater awareness of what factor disbalances happen in meditation. Although periodic “crisis” period still occurs.)
Started meditating 3 years ago with Headspace, soon switched to TMI. My meditation journey has not been easy. The basic pattern in my practice used to be this: meditation going well and then, periodically (let’s say every 7-15 days or so) there’s a “crisis” where my meditation becomes very unpleasant (strong aversion to the practice, tension, disappointment etc.). I overthink trying to find the “solution” and, when I “discover” it and modify my practice, things start going great. And then, after some time (5, 15, 30 days, whatever) the “solution” stops working and the cycle continues. “Good days” of practice go together with feeling positive and strong in daily life, while in bad days I feel irritable and vulnerable both in meditation and off-cushion, and consequences are overthinking and procrastination (things like morning anxiety and obsessive thinking about meaning of life, but all this is not extreme, I am socially functional, but it does makes you think that “life sucks”. It used to be much worse.). I am sure I had periods like this before meditation (I had difficult childhood), but my memory is blurry. (Oh, and to mention, meditation has helped me immensely to become more mature and remove all kinds of problems.)
There have been no “fireworks”, no “mystical-experience-that-changed-my-life” events (and no drugs), just some occasional weak piti or feeling that body became very light or subtly tranquil. There has been much kriyas (unvoluntary shakings) in last months. Few years ago, after doing Kundalini yoga (Sat kriya) I felt some sexual-like energy (piti?) going up my legs in meditation, I and sometimes feel unpleasant tension (like stuck energy) in my legs ever since. But my practice hasn’t changed since then, that I can remember.
So, I guess we can make 3 theories about what I described, in regard to nanas:
1. NO NANAS. This is my default way of thinking. Looking through TMI glasses, I see all of this as psychological stuff that is better to be purified before any insight stages start. I must admit that I am often skeptical about diagnosing nanas, because it sometimes looks like “recognizing” shapes in clouds. Isn’t it logical to assume that my bad “days” are caused by psychological issues, and not by insight? There’s this paradigm that “seekers” (that is, people obsessed with Dharma and spirituality, and I certainly am one) are dark-nighters. But again, it may be possible that there is a great portion of people that are not indeed in a dark night, but they would rather identify with “a dark night yogi who suffers because of insights into fundamental reality (crossed A&P but doesn’t remember it or it was some small energy current)” than “just depressed”. I wouldn’t like to get in that trap, that’s why I am cautious about self-diagnosing and ask for help here.
2. MIND AND BODY - THREE CHARACTERISTICS. “Good days” are Mind and body (the description matches, although it can be interpreted broadly) and “bad days” are Three characteristic. The aversion and stuff that arise during Three characteristics are too strong, so I mindlessly procrastinate in daily life until I “fall out” of PoI, and the cycle continues.
Skeptical notes: I don’t remember any “robotic” qualities of Case and effect (but maybe I just don’t know how to recognize them). Then, my bad days are more about feeling of aversion/resistance/restlessness than about some recognition of impermanence or noself (glimpses of noself are always pleasant for me). Also, body shakings happen during both good and bad periods.
2. A&P – DARK NIGHT. “Good days” are A&P (attention very stable) and “bad days” are Dark night.
Skeptical notes: The peak of my good periods is like this: concentration is pretty good, life is pretty great, I can respond skillfully to almost any difficulty with mindfulness and positivity, I enjoy practicing mindfulness during the day, I feel “normal” and strong etc. BUT there are no “mystical experiences” or special events like “body exploding” or OBE. Meditations are just very pleasant and peaceful, after them I feel like my brained has been “cleaned”, and reality feels “more real” and tranquil.
Also, I usually imagined Dark night as something more extreme, similar to clinical depression. I know this doesn’t have to be the case, but for some reason I have a feeling that DN for me is going to be terrible. On the other hand, maybe I just got accustomed to these difficult periods (with psychological techniques that I use). But, again, I don’t see why I would say “it’s DN” and not “it’s just psychological stuff that also happens to many non-meditators”.
I had some sleep apnea with lucid dreaming as a child, and some “numinous” feeling while philosophizing as a teenager, but again, I don’t think it’s A&P, I don’t remember my attention being especially sharper after that.
Please ask any questions for clarifications, I promise I am going to be more concise next time
I’m a TMI practitioner curious whether my practice can be “diagnosed” with insight stage criteria. I have some basic knowledge about Progress of Insight, but not in depth. I was wandering whether some experienced MCTB practitioner could estimate whether there’s any nanas involved in my practice. I hope someone will have patience for me here
Current practice: Daily 45 minutes of modified TMI practice. Basically: I count my breaths, for example, saying “1” after the in-breath, as an “evidence” that the in-breath has been in my experience. I perceive the breath as a monolith sensation, without trying to investigate the details. When attention stabilizes, I start with noting thoughts every few breaths, a.k.a “checking in”(as soon as I start doing that, unvoluntary body shaking occurs very often). When I encounter issues (distractions, dullness, restlessness etc.), I apply some antidote or slightly modify the technique with the aim of making appropriate balance within the 7 factors of awakening. Lately, in my good days, I am aware of the breath 95% of the time and feel peaceful. On bad days, I focus on applying the antidotes. I’m around TMI stage 4.
Practice pattern: (What I am about to describe is an outline of my background history, things are a bit better now, crises are not so strong and I have a greater awareness of what factor disbalances happen in meditation. Although periodic “crisis” period still occurs.)
Started meditating 3 years ago with Headspace, soon switched to TMI. My meditation journey has not been easy. The basic pattern in my practice used to be this: meditation going well and then, periodically (let’s say every 7-15 days or so) there’s a “crisis” where my meditation becomes very unpleasant (strong aversion to the practice, tension, disappointment etc.). I overthink trying to find the “solution” and, when I “discover” it and modify my practice, things start going great. And then, after some time (5, 15, 30 days, whatever) the “solution” stops working and the cycle continues. “Good days” of practice go together with feeling positive and strong in daily life, while in bad days I feel irritable and vulnerable both in meditation and off-cushion, and consequences are overthinking and procrastination (things like morning anxiety and obsessive thinking about meaning of life, but all this is not extreme, I am socially functional, but it does makes you think that “life sucks”. It used to be much worse.). I am sure I had periods like this before meditation (I had difficult childhood), but my memory is blurry. (Oh, and to mention, meditation has helped me immensely to become more mature and remove all kinds of problems.)
There have been no “fireworks”, no “mystical-experience-that-changed-my-life” events (and no drugs), just some occasional weak piti or feeling that body became very light or subtly tranquil. There has been much kriyas (unvoluntary shakings) in last months. Few years ago, after doing Kundalini yoga (Sat kriya) I felt some sexual-like energy (piti?) going up my legs in meditation, I and sometimes feel unpleasant tension (like stuck energy) in my legs ever since. But my practice hasn’t changed since then, that I can remember.
So, I guess we can make 3 theories about what I described, in regard to nanas:
1. NO NANAS. This is my default way of thinking. Looking through TMI glasses, I see all of this as psychological stuff that is better to be purified before any insight stages start. I must admit that I am often skeptical about diagnosing nanas, because it sometimes looks like “recognizing” shapes in clouds. Isn’t it logical to assume that my bad “days” are caused by psychological issues, and not by insight? There’s this paradigm that “seekers” (that is, people obsessed with Dharma and spirituality, and I certainly am one) are dark-nighters. But again, it may be possible that there is a great portion of people that are not indeed in a dark night, but they would rather identify with “a dark night yogi who suffers because of insights into fundamental reality (crossed A&P but doesn’t remember it or it was some small energy current)” than “just depressed”. I wouldn’t like to get in that trap, that’s why I am cautious about self-diagnosing and ask for help here.
2. MIND AND BODY - THREE CHARACTERISTICS. “Good days” are Mind and body (the description matches, although it can be interpreted broadly) and “bad days” are Three characteristic. The aversion and stuff that arise during Three characteristics are too strong, so I mindlessly procrastinate in daily life until I “fall out” of PoI, and the cycle continues.
Skeptical notes: I don’t remember any “robotic” qualities of Case and effect (but maybe I just don’t know how to recognize them). Then, my bad days are more about feeling of aversion/resistance/restlessness than about some recognition of impermanence or noself (glimpses of noself are always pleasant for me). Also, body shakings happen during both good and bad periods.
2. A&P – DARK NIGHT. “Good days” are A&P (attention very stable) and “bad days” are Dark night.
Skeptical notes: The peak of my good periods is like this: concentration is pretty good, life is pretty great, I can respond skillfully to almost any difficulty with mindfulness and positivity, I enjoy practicing mindfulness during the day, I feel “normal” and strong etc. BUT there are no “mystical experiences” or special events like “body exploding” or OBE. Meditations are just very pleasant and peaceful, after them I feel like my brained has been “cleaned”, and reality feels “more real” and tranquil.
Also, I usually imagined Dark night as something more extreme, similar to clinical depression. I know this doesn’t have to be the case, but for some reason I have a feeling that DN for me is going to be terrible. On the other hand, maybe I just got accustomed to these difficult periods (with psychological techniques that I use). But, again, I don’t see why I would say “it’s DN” and not “it’s just psychological stuff that also happens to many non-meditators”.
I had some sleep apnea with lucid dreaming as a child, and some “numinous” feeling while philosophizing as a teenager, but again, I don’t think it’s A&P, I don’t remember my attention being especially sharper after that.
Please ask any questions for clarifications, I promise I am going to be more concise next time
