30/12/2010

After realizing that Actual Freedom is both real and desirable, and that I really want to be free from the human condition, I decided to join the ongoing explorations about it here at the DhO, and start my own practice journal to get feedback from those more advanced at it, and those actually free.

I think my first contact with AF was earlier this year, but I reacted with distrust and set it aside. I thought 'In the end, if it is real, I can dedicate my self to it after I had reach 4th path'. I still have not done it (my best guess now is 3rd path), but the subject of being Actually Free suddenly started making a whole lot more sense, maybe thanks to some experiences (possibly pces) and changes in my view of the practice.

The first one was a couple of weeks ago, while I was shopping at the drugstore. I normally try to be extra-kind to the cashiers and make them laugh - something which I learned from my father. As this pattern was about to arise, a shift occurred, and I realized that 'I' was just another part of a larger thing happening at that very moment. An amazing colorful and eventful one. People were walking around, shopping, giving and receiving money, breathing, living, etc. I was, in a way, 'nothing especial', or not the center of the whole situation, the whole place. I had not to make that cashier happier or sadder, how she would react and relate to me was not the most important thing, or entirely 'my' responsibility.

For some reason this experience stuck with me, and actually made look up the AF again.

After that, reading the AF website, I had some experiences of clarity, with lack of any strong feelings, with exception of a very peculiar type of happiness, which was very smooth sometimes like a relief from having to be worried about anything whatsoever except just being here and now. Others times, when I remembered and wished for a PCE while walking on the street, and enjoying doing that and watching the trees, it happened more strongly with a very exciting but non-agitated quality. It happened a couple of times, and I noticed some time later the mind and feelings kicking back in with real excitement this time, fear, judgments/views. Sometimes it was possible to return to this previous state, if I had nothing important to do, and sometimes not.

Other times, while not necessarily wishing for PCEs, but just trying to be happy, thought I may still be having unpleasant sensations, especially in my skull/forehead which are very frequent and constant, I can more easily not feel sad or excessively annoyed.

In the previous months I was frequently using the thought of a harmless happiness as a motivation to do concentration practices - which I learned from Thanissaro Bikkhu's dharma talks; so just remembering that being happy is the condition without one cannot be harmless makes me realize that being happy is a gift both to my self and others. Normally I notice a wrong view/belief of some sort preventing me from being actually happy right now.

Right now typing this, I wished for a PCE to happen, and I had a impression of my perception, and the sensations in my face, widening out, and the body suddenly becoming lighter and more pleasant. I'm at this moment sick, with some light fever, and this does not seem in any way a good reason why not to be happy and harmless.

Thank you everyone that has joined this exploration so far and has contributed to it in anyway.

02/01/2011

Just yesterday I had was with my girlfriend. I was reading about AF in the computer and she was reading on the bed. I had been confused for the past 1 hour or so, and I bit bored since it had been raining all day and all I had done was to sit at home. After reading just a couple of lines at the AF website suddenly everything around seemed more colorful and centerless. The light around me seemed gentle and cosy in a way. I looked at my girlfriend and I noticed also the light illuminating her face, how beautiful it was. I didn't felt 'love', there weren't really any affective feelings at the moment. It was just something beautiful to stare at. After sometime we begun chatting and I could notice minor affective feelings (waves/vibrations) gently arising on different parts of the body. Still the chest and head were clear and there was a lot of clarity. I could talk without rushing and still don't get worried about making my point. I was there in a much more interesting way. At some point later, after moving closer to her, I was still more calm and present but eventually I lost the state.

What stood out this time, and I noticed that I also happened other times, is how during this state I felt deeply into the body in a different way that usual. I've read Daniel say somewhere that I was useful to be more attentive of external senses, but I felt that just feeling into the whole body, but especially the legs, was very pleasurable. There is a page about sensuousness, that I'll look up to see if I can find more info.

03/01

A PCE happened while I was sitting on a park bench after lunch. My body was very uncomfortable after eating, and the sound of the cars passing in the street nearby was also annoying and unpleasurable. I tried to find something pleasant to focus at. I saw a water pool with the remains of the rain. Drops were falling on it forming little waves on the water. One of the most beautiful phenomenas in nature in my opinion. A drop fell, and a sun beam reflected on it straight into my eye and wow... Everything opened. The stone pathway in front on me seemed like a carpet, the sounds from the cars were amazingly rich in detail. This time my body felt very different and I finally understood it as this 'flesh and blood' body. This lasted maybe for 10 minutes or so.

04/01

Maybe I had a very short PCE just after waking up in the morning. Or maybe I'm really learning to find pleasure in directly perceiving things through the senses, which also happened several other times during the day.

Still, suffering is arising, and what has been causing me most lately is the 'insight disease'. I keep wanting this whole insight cycles mess to come to an end. This causes some confusion regarding insight v.s. actualist practices.

Also, I have a month-long retreat scheduled to the end of january at IMS Forest Refuge, where I planned to work on my jhana skills (which are not great considering that I have done dry insight almost all the time). Now, after starting a actualist practice, I wonder if and how it could go along with samatha-vipassana (with empashis being on samatha) while on retreat. From what I have read, it seems to me that most people progressed better in the actualist practices after stoping meditation altogether. Unless there are any exceptions out there.

Hi,



You could use this want as motivation to practice well; there will come a point at which you may realize that you are only barely noticing the cycles (or only notice them if you try hard) because affect itself will be so rarefied.

Can you elaborate on your confusion regarding insight v.s. actualist practices?




What is your goal in aiming to cultivate the samatha jhanas? What do you think the value is of continuing any vipassana practice?

Trent

Hi Trent,

my goal, when I planned the retreat about 4 months ago, was to change my practice to serene/wet insight. Also, to find a 'resting place' from the insight cycles, when that was needed. The value of continuing any vipassana practice would be arhatship, and whatever benefits should come from it. And here I can think of two main ones: (i) could make it easier to attain AF (this is also a question); (ii) no new insight cycles.

A big factor here is that I already have flight tickets to the US, and I alredy paid for part of the retreat (no longer refundable). My hopes were that I could either (a) do actualist practices while on retreat (it is a personal retreat); or (b) benefit from the clarity/serenity of jhana to practice and attain AF after the retreat. After that, droping samatha-vipassana could be an option.

Bernardo

Hello,



Given where you appraise yourself to be in terms of the progress of insight as well as your practice notes (above), I recommend dropping the vipassana as a sustained practice [1] (or at least experiment with not doing it for a while). I think that will get you to (i) and (ii) most quickly given the situation.



Try doing a bit of samatha every day along with actualism method(s). If that doesn't seem fruitful, then you could always switch back to the original plan. The samatha will help hold the 'vines' ('you') steady and the actualism method will uproot their source.

Trent.

[1] Sometimes applying vipassana can be useful in actualism practice, particularly toward the end of the path, so it's not that you're doing away with it because it's not useful at all; it's a matter of opportunity cost. Being adept at both will allow you to see which one is the best tool for the moment.

Ah... not just real... but actual! ... it's actually actual freedom. ;)

Anyway, best luck and enjoy the practice.

Hi Trent,

thanks for the input. In the past 6 months I've been 'sort of' trying to work on samatha instead of insight. I ended up doing a mix of both and that kept things (the cycles) going. So I decided to stop sitting and focus entirely on actualism for a while to see what happens. I still have 20 days until the retreat to get a better perspective.

Bernardo

@Daniel: That's the beauty of it: enjoying is the practice! Good luck to you as well!


06/01

I realized that a big part of the suffering that was arising was caused by some conflict with my own body. It is like I ressent it because it is so unconfortable most of the time. Pressures, pains, drowiness, etc. To balance this, I begun trying to tune into the amazing thing that is simply being able to feel directly.
Today I spent several hours in a light PCE where mindfulness was really strong, and I could tune in anytime into the pleasurable nature of the senses. Walking in the street I would marvel at the sutle balance of causes and conditions that made it possible to exist as this organic body at this time and place of the universe. Everytime I begun to fall from the state I made a effort to come back and keep apreciating the present moment. Only when I begun to read/study it became very difficult to prevent it from ending and defilments such as sleepiness from arising. I decided to try to do something else to keep the state going longer. Right now there is heavynessy/pressures in my face, but if I pay closer attention to my hands typing I marvel at the directness and richness of perception.

07/01

Yesterday I went to bed with the feeling that I had had a great day, and that's not really something usual. During the whole day, mindfulness was stronger than ever. When I woke up in the morning the first thought in my mind was: 'already enjoying this moment of being alive?' And still in bed I tried to trigger a PCE. My body was heavy and somewhat unconfortable, with pressures on the area of the temporal and frontal bones. I tried to release/unlock the pressure and as I did that my perception widened out and a weight begun to lift in the body as well: things were clearer. Not anything mind-blowing, but felling well and present. I tried to maintain a state of attentiveness and sensuosness during the morning but I fell from this 'wanna-be' PCE many times; still, I constantly got back to it, and activated sensuosness. Whenever I did that, things were great/beautiful again. I realized that I used to do something similar while experimenting with psychedelic drugs: watching trees dance to me with a wide-screen/movie like quality. While doing that, 'I' was not really there seeing it. There was just the trees: pure; perfect.

Walking down the street I could see neurotic tendencies that arise when I get annoyed, specially by the noise of the cars, gently arising as thoughts. (And not sticking at all.) The same for emotions and feelings, they arouse only as sutle vibrations on the body. They are just a charge, and whenever they were there I just gave them some open-focus attention until they ceased. They arise specially in the heart and gut. Sometimes legs and head as well. I'm trying to give them just the minimum attention needed to ground myself and then get back to sensuosness.

08/01

Today I felt the pressure of wanting to become actually free. My neurotic self took the goal to become happy right here and now and turned that into some kind of obligation. I realized that the best thing to do is to practice like I did when I was heading for stream-entry, just in a less obssesive way. By this I mean, to engage in things very mindfully and camly, and just being open to whatever happens; trying to have as least lapses of attention as possible. I noticed that this prevents me from getting caught in feeling loops and habitual respose patterns while interacting with people, and that opens up space for skifull and positive spontaneuos responses. By the end of the day a PCE ocurred. Things were very clear and the body and mind felt very rested. It didn't lasted long thought.

I've been getting the feeling that, in a way, things are becoming more transparent, more real. It is like things are just things again. Since I started to practice I've always had this feeling that there was something 'behind' (this wold happen with anything ranging from safety regulation for airplanes to the meaning of life, and what happens after death – if anything at all happens). Now things like the safety regulation seem concrete and pragmatic, and questions like the meaning of life and death doesn't seem to apply, or make much sense. Life is life, death is death. Fear is fear. And wishful thinking is wishful thinking (and I really thought I had get past that in regards to these matters).

10/01

Yestarday and today were difficult days to be attentive. A felt as if I were ill during most of the day , I guess, due to heat. Mental and physical lazyness (pressure at the top of the head?), some craving for food, bizarre bodly sesantions (not so different from I would get practicing, but they intensified in significant way this past two days... - I got outstading amounts of inching.)

I visited my father's farm, that I used to visit very often when I was a child, to say goodbye. It was sold. Also, today I visited the school I used to attend until the age of 8. There, the only thing I could remember was the fear I felt when I was that age. And actually that made me joyful realizing that I'm not afraid anymore. Also, curiously, when I reflect about this, and other conflicts that I have lived in my life, I have this 'feeling' that all that is not a problem anymore because I have made a choice to leave it all behind. That relaxes me.

The closest thing to a PCE lasted no more that 2 or 3 seconds and happened 2 or 3 times during the day. One time I was with my father and he called a women (the maid) in a way that used to make me feel embaresed. I was alert at the moment, and when I looked at her a shift happened, and instead of feeling embaresed the colors of her cloth seemed ultra saturated and things were very centerless for some moments. The other time, I was talking to my grandmother and I begun to notice how expressive her face was. And even thought she might be complaining, as she usually does, still she was inherently good, wise, pure. She is human being. There was nothing wrong with her, and there never was.

Reflecting now, I notice that just staring at people seems trigger a PCE, as that happened more times this past week. Taking time to really look and notice what people are doing, saying or feeling is actually OK, makes me realize: there's nothing wrong, lacking, in this very moment. It's like I'm looking more to a person, beyond mere projections/expectations and even prejudices. Human being are fascinating creatures; and people don't have to be in any particular way, e.g. enlightened meditators, to be beautiful, pure and perfect just how they are. (That could help, thought...) And I'm not responsible for they being/feeling X or Y. Having grown up in a third world country with lot's of social disequality I was always taught to feel guilt for having more than some, and glad that less than others.

15/01

Feeling like I'm walking backwards. These days were very dark-night like (a strong one). Weird bodily sesantions, emotions, patters and so forth. A lot of anxeity arising related to the retreat that is getting nearer. Right now writing this I feel pressures and vibrations in my forehead and chest that are very disqueiting. They make me feel lost, confused, shaky and like running away (they have a strong desperate quality); while at the same time I know that something holds me like glue to where I am (unwillingness to go outside on my own and just take a walk).

I noticed during this time I was trying to force myself to apply sensuosness and feel good, while I should be actually investigating emotions (thanks Tarin and Trent for the tips on the other thread posted by Daniel). I also begun to apply Stefanie's tip to feel below the navel.

I also decided to follow her advice and seek medical orientation regarding a experience that I have rather often: when things get really nasty (intense suffering peaks with lot's of bodily disconfort), my mind starts to shut down, like falling asleep, then my body jerks and things begin to ease. I remember since I was a child having this strong bodily jerk, after I felt like I was falling, while falling asleep. I also remember having read somewhere that it is something normal, but that showed up a lot in my meditation practice in the last 6 months and also during the day. On retreat, once, I saw what I think is the cause: a eletric pulse that comes from the lower back (where most of the jerks happen) into the head, and goes down to the hara at a very painful spot. (I once followed it into my head, as I thought it was making me very concentrated, and it left me compleatly ungrounded with a brutal pain/stiffness in my shoulder, neck and head. I could do nothing but lay on the ground and feel my belly for a couple of hours.)

I've gained a lot, meditatively speaking, from working with painful spots in the belly region. Standing meditation and squats are very helpful for this. When some blockage releases down there, I can really tell the difference. Maybe you'd profit from investigating this pain in the hara, really sensing it out until hopefully it dissolves.

In my book, nothing beats "intestinal insight."

Doing a journal like this, do you find yourself planning your next entry quite often?

Can you elaborate on choosing between investigation and sensuousness. As you (or anyone else who wants to respond) understand it, when do you think it's best to investigate and when is it best to get back to the senses.

I don't understand why an anagami would have difficulty with AF? The only difference I can ascertain is that vipassana practice views vedana as an ever-natural part of the psychic process to dispassionately observe. Whereas AF sees it as a barrier to overcome. But the same practice of mindfulness is required either way. This is just doctrinal and unimportant but still it's interesting to me.


jon

Ah wanted to answer this a bit:

I find myself doing that quite often when doing my practice thread, and even now i often think of what i will write to people or post questions about, etc. not sure what to do about it yet


probably same reason an Arahat would, or anyone else.. the self goes deep.

I figured one who dispassionately observes vedana with the regularity of an anagami would more easily be able to eliminate it. Is mindfulness and HAIETMOBA two completely different practices?

I would say it's definitely easier.. I feel much better prepared to go on the path to AF now, due to:

* dark night affecting me less - least it has been affecting me since it begun being real bad pre-stream entry
* general calmness.. seems my impulses, cravings, urges, have abated..
* access to cleaner perception - the sensate world i experience moment to moment is the prettiest it has been

the only thing that might be getting in the way that wouldn't be here for a normal person or an Arahat is a feeling of not being done insight-wise.. but i think that'll fade

i actually didn't practice mindfulness much during my day before trying AF, so i only really exercised it during sits. but, i believe HAIETMOBA has mindfulness at its core - mindfulness of how you are currently experiencing the world, with an expanded focus, to not only be mindful of what is happening but if something negative is happening to actively attempt to uproot it. so they aren't completely different, and mindfulness training should definitely help w/ HAIETMOBA.

Hi Bruno,

I know what you mean. I do some yogi exercises for the belly area and try to keep my awareness at it often, but that doesn't really seem to alliviate it that much. I found that the best thing was actually to focus more on the area below the navel and let the rest of the body and belly relax.


Jon,

Daniel wrote in another thread:

''Regarding the question of whether one should tune into peace and sensuousness vs. investigating feeling itself: it is best to not know what to do and just immerse yourself in the moment and realize that it is not possible to make a bad choice between the two and you may change that choice at any moment, as there is no you making a choice anyway.''

In my practice, whenever possible I tune in sensuosness and peace, and when feelings are getting in the way, I investigate them.

To the question if I find my self planning the next entries: not really. Whenever I feel like I should make a note to myself I record it with a voice recorder, or write it down on a papper or on the laptop.


''The only difference I can ascertain is that vipassana practice views vedana as an ever-natural part of the psychic process to dispassionately observe.''

Exactly. I spent a lot of time with the atitude that if I was feeling bad, there was nothing really that I could do, just wait it out. I would force myself to go though a lot of things disregarding whatever feelings I might have about it. Now I'm trying to be more aware of them, relax, and do things that make me happy with the goal of inducing a PCE.

If you want to know more about the differences between insight-practices and AF try to find a thread Daniel wrote some time ago about this. I found it very helpful.