The elimination of the resentment of being here seems to be an important goal, and is mentioned a lot on the AF site. I'm interested if people on the path to AF have any tips or advice on how they are trying to overcome it or on how they overcame it.

Currently, I can't really pinpoint it as such, except that I have noticed that whenever I'm not engaged in an activity, my mind starts wandering, thinking about things that aren't really here (like the future, how to get AF, how to get enlightened, etc.) I think the cause has a large part with the resentment of being here, since when i'm not occupied, i'm not turning to the actual world and observing it, but instead going off into my thoughts. I'm trying to work around it by noticing whenever i am wandering in my thoughts, and whenever i do so to stop doing that and instead take in my environment. i hope to re-wire my instinct of going off into thoughts to one of looking at (and hearing) and enjoying my environment. will see how that goes.

Based on what you say your mind is wandering towards (most specifically getting AF, or getting enlightened), I don't think the mind wandering thing is such a big deal. You can use this wisely as a signal of pure intent and work from there. As in, it's good you're engaged with the prospect of AF or enlightenment. Instead of wondering about what it will be like once you're AF or enlightened, try to turn your mind onto how you can modify your practice/what needs work (all in a friendly, investigative tone and not harsh critic).

Steph

Hmm but I mean I am walking along, enjoy the scenery, and then a short time later i realize i have spent the last few minutes just thinking about stuff. would it not be better to have spent that time enjoying the scenery or being happy and harmless? being in a train of thought seems to not be being sensuous and attentive, and thus won't lead to apperception..

Assuming the train of thought is not a "skillful" one like thinking about AF - your advice would be specific - to just see what exactly the train of thought is about, realize why it arose, and see if i can stop identifying with whatever it is that caused it to arise - rather than a general catch-all for mind-wandering?

I've done it by engaging in that feeling (I could invoke it anytime) while walking in nature, or doing other very enjoyable things. It was seen to be silly ("is it sensible to resent being in such a lovely place?").

While it used to be something very tangible for me, I can no longer invoke it anymore (I just laugh when I try), so I guess I've overcome it.

Hi Beoman,

I reformatted your text (and italicized it ) to facilitate my reading it, and cited select sentences which appear as "high notes" to me.


[indent]The elimination of the resentment of being here
seems to be an important goal
Currently, I can't really pinpoint it as such
[/indent]

Maybe you do not have "resentment of being here". There may be a rung to identify ahead/instead of "resentment" (I like C C C's phrasing: self's thwarted desires). Perhaps it is something like these:
[indent]boredom, i.e., "Nothing is interesting. Why am I not interested?"
nihilism, i.e., "Nothing matters/all is absurd: why am I apparently real and here with nothing real to do?
...[/indent]

Would you add/change anything to the list?
Boredom and nihilism are not so much "resentment" as they are views which cyclically generate/stem from the feeling of dissatisfaction which can lead anywhere, i.e., into self's DN spiral as well as into the sincere intention to allow for the life one has.


[indent]I think the cause
[indent][indent]has a large part with the resentment of being here

since when i'm not occupied
i'm not turning to the actual world and observing it,
but instead going off into my thoughts....[/indent]

(I rearranged your word order here)
[indent]
thinking about things
that aren't really here
(like the future,
how to get AF,
how to get enlightened,
etc.)[/indent][/indent][/indent]

[indent]i hope
[indent][indent]to re-wire my instinct of going off into thoughts
to one of looking at
(and hearing)
and enjoying
my environment.
[/indent][/indent][/indent]


For me, resenting being here (and self-loathing) had to do with
[indent]-- existing in a place with deliberate (willful, unnecessary) cruelty, and
-- existing as a self that cannot explain why it is 'here' with willful cruelty, and
-- existing as a self that cannot prevent/cause the absolute cessation of deliberate cruelty, and
-- being comprehensively focused on that unresolvable problem for a long time.
[/indent]
I can only describe my relationship to cruelty as a form of lock-jaw, like a dog that feels unable to release a stick. In some regard, it is satisfying to try to problem-solve, and I favor tenacity; on the upside, this comprehensive focus (lens of cruelty) prevented the development of many other issues for me.

As you list them, your wandering thoughts do not seem problem-causing: curiosity about AF, enlightenment. You also mention "the future"; what are your/these thoughts about the future?

Personally, I do not think thoughts are a "problem", nor are wandering thoughts (i.e., I am listening to Leonard Susskind lectures today, thinking about the concepts he explains). Forms of dissatisfaction are not even a problem (i.e., I need to reframe my crooked door, because winter drafts are unsatisfactory). Ontological dissatisfaction, though, can be very pain-causing, a form of wasting away.

Is there something dissatisfying?

very nice! the reformatting really aired out and made clearer my restless sentences.



Currently it seems not like resentment of being here so much as restlessness. For the past few days, it has felt like my mind has just been spinning and spinning, mostly with "this kind of stuff"-related thoughts, e.g. remembering convos on the DhO, thinking how to continue them, thinking how to approach AF, etc... i'm wondering if is a side-effect of Insight, i.e. being in the A&P nyana.



There is a problem at work that may actually be resentment.. i just really seem to not want to do the work. just some aversion to doing it, which is unnecessary as when i actually do the work it is not so bad. this creates many problems such as not getting things done fast enough such that i have to dance around what i've actually been accomplishing when talking to the boss, and that activates my wanting-to-be-a-good-worker/wanting-to-be-liked side and causes suffering as well, etc..

also it is a noisy work place and the noise level occasionally gets to me and causes annoyance at being distracted (from the work i'm not doing, hah).

so there is a nice nugget of suffering for me to work with!


Also thoughts about the past, like just being reminded of a moment from a while ago (like a convo i overheard in a subway between 2 people i didn't know), and that just leading to more thoughts. don't remember exactly what about the future, right now. my reasoning was that, being AF, these thought patterns are almost completely gone, i figured i should find out why the thought patterns arise.. but perhaps that is not the right approach (e.g. of course i wont wonder about AF once i am AF..)

It seems like you have some integration work to do. Re-reading the chapter in MCTB on integration may help. But even better will be a very long chat with yourself, pen and paper ready to better organize your thoughts. I just finished such a chat with myself but I think I have it easy. I have a burning desire that really wants to be fulfilled. And I need money to attain it. Before my self-chat, I was, unknowingly, just overloaded with conflict regarding said desire and AF and vipassana. The chat did wonders for me. I now have a plan where my goals, responsibilities, AF and Buddhism are all in harmony with one another. But like I said, I think I have it easy. If you don't have any burning desires and are only working to fulfill responsibilities and keep you off the street then practice may be much more difficult to integrate. But if nothing else then the workplace should offer you a chance to practice HAIETMOBA while your mind is occupied with mundane matters. This may help facilitate PCEs in other situations. If you can be sensuously aware of the universe while filling out an expense report then how much more natural will that be when you are walking to your car or moving along in traffic or walking to your mailbox?

hah i re-read it. the chapter basically says "you'll integrate it eventually."

my issue is not with integrating whatever insight i have with daily life, though. it's with being happy and harmless, always, which i am not when wishing to not do work. i did just do a bunch of work, though, and i wasn't unhappy doing it, so i believe it's just a matter of realizing the resentment is there, realizing it's silly, and getting on with it.

i don't remember having had any long-term burning desires... most recently it has been enlightenment and now AF. i see what you mean, though, and i think you're right about using this time to practice being happy and harmless even in this supposedly (only to 'me' / in my mind) adverse situation.

This is kind of what I was getting at with my mind wandering, from the AF site:



so it seems even if my thoughts are "good" ones, meaning about Enlightenment and about AF, it would still be best that they not arise. so why would the thoughts not be a problem just because of the content of the thoughts?

This has worked for me... A quick look at the facts: I am here. Resenting a fact is just plain silly, as resentment doesn't change facts. The fact is that I am here, so why not enjoy this thing while it lasts? Seen in this way, resentment is clearly a silly way to experience this (my only) moment of being alive.