| Lots of personal stuff in this post...
Issue:
Trying to get on with my life after this break up. Thoughts about my ex come up again and again and I feel lots of pain in relation to this stuff. I've been coping by trying to 'man up' and improve myself - lifting to gain muscle (and exercise in general), meditating, cutting down on alcohol, investing time in my hobbies, etc. I'm realizing though, that I am not being vulnerable - I basically just cut myself off from thinking about her or feeling what I need to. I want to power through so that she doesn't 'win the break up'. She is a hard worker and, to me, way out of my league. She has more friends than me, is more active socially, is really pretty and bubbly, etc. She's probably gone on dates since we've broken up, and I haven't. Truth be told, I'm quite self concious about all of this and have had trouble admitting it. I'm essentially the loser ex.
If I am totally honest with myself, I miss her. I fell for her pretty hard at the beginning of our relationship. Later on, I realized that we weren't good for eachother in the long run. We were both holding eachother back. She ended it, but I had been planning to end it. It's a funny thing - I feel sorry about the entire situation and miss her, yet I also wanted to end it. There is a polarity in there and it smells like hypocrisy. I miss her and yet wanted to leave her. I think of her and either feel l am missing out on a great human connection, or that I dodged a major bullet.
Root cause(?):
I think most of this stems from a huge inferiority complex I have. I am not sure where it comes from. I think it has something to do with my height (I'm 5'6) and the fact that I was always told to continualy improve myself when I was young. I'm not the manly guy I wish I was - I am awkward in certain social situations, I am quite sensitive emotionally and cry often, I stutter on occasion, I make dumb mistakes at work, I am not super musclar or socially smooth or smart or particularly good in any of my hobbies. I want to be this emotionally unshakeable Renaissance man who makes other people jealous essentially. I want people to meet me and wonder how on earth I do all the stuff that I do with proficiency. I want validation from others in the form of romantic relationships or just sex. I want to be attractive and successful. I don't want to be the loser ex.
Yet I am not any of that. I am ordinary. But lately, 'ordinary' has seemed so refreshing. The concepts I hold about being some perfect version of myself are pretty damaging and holding me back from being happy or even attempting to step out of my comfort zone. On one hand, that drive is getting me to improve myself which is empowering, but there is a lot of mental torture associated with it. The perfect version of myself isn't allowed to mess up and make mistakes. He has to be manly and unshakeable and cool like James Bond. He has to be interesting like Picasso and well rounded like Da Vinci. Yet, the ordinary humanity, the tough emotions, the awkwardness and embarassment I feel are all at odds with this idealized self.
I really want to just live from that ordinary, vulnerable place. I want to be able to be sensitive and emotional. I want to be allowed to be awkward or to make mistakes. To be a bumbling idiot. To come to terms with my humanity even if it is embarrassing. I'm not manly at all, and I shouldn't have to try and fit myself in that box or feel bad when I don't.
It's alright Alex. You're doing fine. You're allowed to miss your ex. You're allowed to be bad at talking to women. You're allowed to lack confidence. You're allowed to feel bad about being short. You're allowed to have an inferiority complex. You're allowed to 'be behind' in life. You're allowed to not be manly. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to be a hypocrite.
Practice:
I need to open to holding concepts and ideas that are polarities. I need to be open to feeling like a hypocrite and experiencing cognitive dissonance. I need to be open to being vulnerable and really feel into the emotional pain that comes up. I need to be open to feeling like a bumbling idiot. I need to come to terms with my basic, embarrassing, awkward humanity and learn to love myself.
I'll practice more Metta. I'll practice being more open to experiencing difficult emotions and allowing myself to cry (cultivating acceptance). I've already cried this morning so I'm already teasing something out.
As all this heart centered stuff unfolds, I'd still like to continue with the self improvement (exercise, hobbies, diet, sleep, meditation, etc.), but do so in an ordinary way. Not to be an idealized self, but because these things are healthy for body and mind.
The fact of the matter is, I've been avoiding doing any of this emotional work and trying to get around it. As a result, I've been getting hung up emotionally and held back spiritually.
I'm not okay today but that is okay. Life is good even when it is bad. I'm learning. |