I’m missing something and getting stuck but I’m sure someone can help as this seems pretty basic. In the steps to Actual Freedom it’s said early on that we should aim to “feel” felicitous (happy and harmless) as much as possible. As it’s noted below:

What the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom is on about is a virtual freedom wherein the ‘good’ feelings – the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) are minimized along with the ‘bad’ feelings – the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful) – so that one is free to feel well, feel happy and feel perfect for 99% of the time. If one minimizes the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and activates the felicitous feelings (happiness, delight, joie de vivre, bonhomie and so on) in conjunction with sensuousness (delectation, enjoyment, appreciation, relish, zest, gusto and so on) then the ensuing sense of amazement, marvel and wonder can result in apperceptiveness.

Fast forwarding a bit I’ve understood from the reading that “I am my feelings and my feelings are me”. With the ultimate goal of eliminating this sense of me which will result in the end of feelings.

Here is where my confusion comes in with my daily practice of trying to “feel” happy. First, It would seem odd that I’m supposed to do something to “feel” happy as that’s “me/ego” and I ultimately want to eliminate “me”. Why would I want “me” to feel better so I can eliminate it later? It feels like someone is telling me to go ahead and get high of this drug called “happy feelings” but telling me that “feelings” are a problem and ultimately will be eliminated with my sense of self?

Which lead me to think, “Shouldn’t I be aiming for not feeling anything, happy or bad?” The answer per the reading is obviously “no” and I should aim for feeling happy. So I’m struggling feeling happy while trying to deny happiness from things like love, pride etc…

Example from yesterday:
Person A: “Hey Ed, nice shirt”.
Ed: thinking to himself as a sense of pride/happiness creeps in, “this is ego you should not feel happy about this”

This happens enough that I find I’m slightly less happy than before I started this practice as I’m analyzing everything and then denying things that would have typically created some form of happiness before my actualism practice. Maybe it’s possible I’m on the right track and I need to fight through this uncomfortable feeling I’m having denying “good” happiness feelings as this will fade as I get used to the process. Then I thought I was being way too rigid and overly analytical about it and I needed to relax, only investigate the “bad” feelings for now and just allow myself to be happy regardless of what is contributing to this feeling of happiness (Pride, love etc…) until I get the hang of this more. I feel like I could be happier just living like I was before but I can’t see how that gets me closer to becoming AF doing that?

On the bright side, I’ve cleared up some other issues recently and this whole thing is making a lot more sense in general so a part of me is excited about nailing this if I can figure out how to increase happiness while minimizing “good” feelings.

Hi Ed,

1) Don't concern yourself with ego/self/identity/personality unless you get enjoyment out of it. If you enjoy the intellectual challenge of mapping ego and self and feelings and instincts out then enjoy! But it isn't necessary to know what's going on to unleash the process.


2) Your undertaking this to stop feeling bad. Whatever is salubrious and practical that prevents you from feeling bad should be actively pursued. As i understand it, you will continue to do many of those things after becoming af. So you are correct in surmising that you should just focus on the bad feelings. Convince yourself that it's okay and fine to be happy and play 'I spy' with the world for a little bit. Really notice the small stuff with a completely open mind. If you mind is completely empty of all previous attitudes then little by little you will prefer the actual world over the world of your concerns. On top of that, you'll already be in the habit of making yourself feel happy. Soon, you'll put the two together and break out of melancholy or anxiety by turning back to the world and noticing it. At that point, af and haietmoba will be easy and obvious.

Yes I've often wondered 'why happiness'.

My current understanding is that the aim is actually to cease 'being', to minimise the presence of the 'me' being in your conscious experience. Doing that - having a minimal 'me' being in your consciousness - inevitably results in felicity. Felicity and having a minimal 'me' go together.

So the aim is to keep your brain operating in a condition where 'I' am almost non-existent - which happens to result in happiness - until the brain finally clicks over into either a PCE or AF.

That said: I don't know how to be happy at will, or how to minimise 'being' at will. It still only works for me half the time at best.

Tarin:
"functionally speaking, the former (the 'good' feelings) are identity-reinforcing while the latter (the felicitous feelings) are first identity-loosening, then identity-abandoning; phenomenologically speaking, the former (the 'good' feelings) feel (generally) blissful while the latter (the felicitous feelings) feel joyous (and feel less and less at all the more felicitous they become).

while it is blissful to sustain oneself in bliss, it is supremely joyous to go out of existence."¹



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¹ Tarin, http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1489461

[quoteYes I've often wondered 'why happiness'.
]

Because you have a choice. You don't have a choice to be have an identity or not but you do have a choice as to which mood you identify with. (you have a choice to start a process that ultimately extinguishes the identity but you have no control over when that will actually happen.)





Do what works but this isn't how I do it. I suspect every process is different and I suspect that different people will need to approach it from different angles. For example, I began the journey by relentlessly analyzing the psyche and the primal instincts. That may have been totally unnecessary but it may have also primed the brain so that it could accept future truths. Somehow, I discovered how to choose happiness. A few days later, I discovered what happiness is and why one can choose it. For me, happiness is not wanting anything. Happiness leads to felicity and felicity leads to happiness. Both are optional. If you are feeling bad, you can choose felicity and that will take you towards happiness. When you are feeling good, your mind will often (though not even close to always) turn towards felicity which will help sustain your good mood.

Felicity is generated with the identity fully intact: It is a conscious decision to appreciate the minutiae of the world. Seeing a piece of gum on the sidewalk, noticing it's shape and color, remarking on the history of its existence is felicty. HAIETMOBA is observing mood: When you are feeling bad about, say, being chewed out by your boss in front of the whole office ask yourself, "Why does that make me feel bad? What would make me feel good?" The answer is often: "That makes me feel bad because I keep thinking about it. Do I want to feel bad? No! Is it productive to feel bad? No! So I'll try to stop thinking about it. What should I think about instead? I can conjure up a pleasant memory, fantasy, go over my to do list or practice felicity." And any of those options are perfectly fine so if you judge yourself harshly for not choosing felicity then ask yourself, "Why does that make me feel bad?" And re-start the whole process. This is clearing the trail. Eventually the trail will be wide open, paved and with signs!!! Also Trent likes to say that 'i am my feelings, my feelings are me' and I think that applies to your situation. The "presence of the 'me' being in your conscious experience" is a feeling in and of itself. That feeling and all other feelings like sadness and the like are You. To deny any of those feelings is a great waste of effort. Eventually the inmates will overtake the prison. And more the point, you can't understand something if you are busy denying them. This includes the feeling of being.

I hope that helps. I know I enjoyed writing it.

Great stuff! The link especially was fantastic.

“Good” good feelings = Joyous = Are identity loosing, will facilitate identity abandoning.
“Bad” good feelings = Blissful = Are identity re-enforcing.

Since the difference between joyous and blissful isn’t quite tangible enough for me right now, I’ll use the “identity” measuring stick. I’m usually aware when I’m feeling good about something that is clearly or partially identity or could be considered a “selfish” happy. Regardless I will also focus more on the “bad” feelings and try and gain some momentum before I poke too much into the “good” ones in my attempt to discern which ones are “bad good” vs. “good good”. This is a HUGE help as I have a better understanding of what “success” should look like and a weight has been lifted. It didn't hurt that I had a good talk with my wife last night about this and while she doesn't fully get the concept, she supports "me" doing it. She rocks! I also like the “choice” of being happy and even though I’ve heard it before it struck me differently this time. Happiness is “not wanting anything” also resonates with me, but I need to explore some more.

This also helps clear up the quandary I was having regarding wondering how “feeling” anything, including happiness, would help me eliminate the sense of self that “is” feeling! The general theme being that in order to let go of the belief that “I” need to exist I need to experience joy that isn’t primarily ego reinforcing. Once I experience this enough and recognize it for what it is, I’ll “loosen the reins” as Tarin says and the resistance to eliminating “me” will weaken then eventually vanish! Awesome! That makes sense.

I feel like I can now apply this with confidence as I have a much better understanding of why what I’m doing will lead to success and how and how often, I examine “good” feelings!

Another struggle I didn’t mention earlier is whether I should keep listening to my music. On the surface this would seem like a “good good” feeling as I don’t consider it part of my identity nor do I relate to the suffering or love in the words. The sounds pick me up and often make me feel what I would consider “joyous”. However after reading another post here about listening to music which for this person seemed to be an issue closer related to “bad happiness”, so I thought I shouldn’t listen to my music anymore. This is another example of how I was starting to wonder how I could feel happy and harmless by removing things that once made “me” happy.

After reading your posts this morning then sitting with it for awhile I got a significant sense of calm and joy, to the point that I feel like I have a better sense of where the bar is for me to measure against. I got excited to the point that the thought of having to wait even one day for a PCE and/or AF to happen actually took me out of my joyous mood. So I applied the attentiveness to see that this “worry” and “fear” of not being able to do this was bringing me down and for a significant time it was gone and I felt joyous again! It faded in and out as my mind races and I had trouble staying in the present. But I think I see the pattern and the method and it makes sense. I’m sure there will be sticking points but I really feel like I understand the framework, and want to do this!

Maybe someday there will be a person like Morpheus who will simply offer you a red pill when you decide you want to wake up?

Excellent!

I'd continue to listen to music and anything else that lifts your spirits.

This thinking is also ego, methinks.
S'all good dude!