Brandon's Practice Log - Discussion
Brandon Dayton:
Thanks for the ideas. I try to do as much informal practice throughout the day as I can, and my success varies from day to day. My general approach is to ask myself throughout the day if what I am doing requires me to actively think, or if I can use that mental bandwidth to do some noting instead.
I've also done a bit of vocal noting, per instructions from Shinzen Young's See Hear Feel, but that is something I could really do more of. I certainly feel like I am in a phase of practice that requires more commitment, and in general it seems like I need to bring in more energy to make that happen. Some vocal noting could be a good fit. Today is a Saturday too, so a good opportunity to do some informal practice with all the household chores!
I've also done a bit of vocal noting, per instructions from Shinzen Young's See Hear Feel, but that is something I could really do more of. I certainly feel like I am in a phase of practice that requires more commitment, and in general it seems like I need to bring in more energy to make that happen. Some vocal noting could be a good fit. Today is a Saturday too, so a good opportunity to do some informal practice with all the household chores!
so true. Good stuff! Im now trying to look at that "energy" we need to invest the same as what I need to get up my lazy ars and start that hoover to clean up our home
I mean to get up and take into my hands and keep at it for the duration of the entire cleaning. Seems to give good results. So determination and resolve will inevitably get some energy fired up. I find that energy comes out of actually doing Noting. At some stage its on Fire how much energy there is but thats to the cycles Dissolution will come about with its cooling effect , ahhhhhhh lovely My opinion is that you are onto somthing of benefit here. Maybe others might add more to this thread in case Im gone astray as some might have more clarity about this than I. The only reason I responded to your thread is that there were so many views and no one replied. I wish someone with more wisdom would chime in.
Yes, Noting is more taxing only because you are more Gaining.
Btw, in my experience strong samadhi arises at times during noting. Noting Aloud also acts as a Mantra really. Using calm voice , as Shinzen is suggesting can help get into a more calm and concentrated state but at time this will not happen no matter what you do
In that case there is only Note fast and Acceptance of what is. That too shall pass (unless I cling to it with aversion or desire).
Btw, in my experience strong samadhi arises at times during noting. Noting Aloud also acts as a Mantra really. Using calm voice , as Shinzen is suggesting can help get into a more calm and concentrated state but at time this will not happen no matter what you do
In that case there is only Note fast and Acceptance of what is. That too shall pass (unless I cling to it with aversion or desire).
"Anicca never takes a day off and has no lunch break" is a good reminder to have seriously all is changing. I never try to control the pace, I just do it and also Note this very intention I might have to start with.
You will see that in the start there will always be some C&E in form of a jerky interplay between Intention and Object/s. This is usually the stage of trying to find a "proper" pace You cant. Just keep noting all that jerkiness and its utter unpleasantness. You are not in control any way. You are here to watch a teatre show!
That being said, NOTING PACE will change and get either very fast or maybe even very slow. Now, interesting is that when Noting Aloud is very slow and calm there is much more silent noticing going on inbetween the Aloud Noting. Or if there is fast noting aloud then the voice becomes more of a Fast Mantra-like and can be more of a whisper aloud noting even during the inbreath (try it this is possible when you whisper while breathing in. I find this to take place in A&P and then suddenly drops down into slow and chilled out Dissolution. Here you relax again and Noting pace gets slower.
I see our job to be in the very present. If there is expectation about certain stuff then NOTE "EXPECTATION" as this is PRESENT. "should I keep a same pace?" Note either "uncertainty" or "doubt" even if that is the case.
When thigs get WAY TOO confusing ALWAYS re-start the practice by returning back to the Body Sensations. Stop, take a deep breath and ask "Am I mindful right now? Let me see ... " and Noting goes on again; coolness, heat, itching, vibrations ...
Sorry if Im rubbling too much. Hope I've answered your question.
seriously all is changing. I never try to control the pace, I just do it and also Note this very intention I might have to start with. You will see that in the start there will always be some C&E in form of a jerky interplay between Intention and Object/s. This is usually the stage of trying to find a "proper" pace
You cant. Just keep noting all that jerkiness and its utter unpleasantness. You are not in control any way. You are here to watch a teatre show!That being said, NOTING PACE will change and get either very fast or maybe even very slow. Now, interesting is that when Noting Aloud is very slow and calm there is much more silent noticing going on inbetween the Aloud Noting. Or if there is fast noting aloud then the voice becomes more of a Fast Mantra-like and can be more of a whisper aloud noting even during the inbreath (try it this is possible when you whisper while breathing in. I find this to take place in A&P and then suddenly drops down into slow and chilled out Dissolution. Here you relax again and Noting pace gets slower.
I see our job to be in the very present. If there is expectation about certain stuff then NOTE "EXPECTATION" as this is PRESENT. "should I keep a same pace?" Note either "uncertainty" or "doubt" even if that is the case.
When thigs get WAY TOO confusing ALWAYS re-start the practice by returning back to the Body Sensations. Stop, take a deep breath and ask "Am I mindful right now? Let me see ... " and Noting goes on again; coolness, heat, itching, vibrations ...
Sorry if Im rubbling too much. Hope I've answered your question.
"Feeling good vibes is great, but it feels like a victory to see the dukkha there too."
yes being Awake really is liberating no matter what the experience is. And there is this rush from realizing this. Hence being Awake to This-ness becomes the home run! All else is just self-validating garbage that also is This-ness. All is equal under the hat of Noting.
Nice one sais I
Btw, don't be disappointed if you don't awaken as Chris in 8 month time! You could awaken suddenly instead
(I hope Chris doesn't notice me using smileys)
yes
being Awake really is liberating no matter what the experience is. And there is this rush from realizing this. Hence being Awake to This-ness becomes the home run! All else is just self-validating garbage that also is This-ness. All is equal under the hat of Noting. Nice one sais I
Btw, don't be disappointed if you don't awaken as Chris in 8 month time! You could awaken suddenly instead
(I hope Chris doesn't notice me using smileys)
Nice one!
Yeah that urge to check the timer and how noting cuts it down in its roots only to leave behind the Imagining of the timer in the mind. I place my phone a bit behind me so Im not able to see it as I practice with eyes open. At times there is this urge to check "how much" time and usually is accompanied with some preassure in the solar plexus and an image in my mind of the phone. So it goes quick, preassue in plexus, urge, unpleasant, imagining, and then attention moves to something else like itch or coolness or what ever. Practice goes on without the hindrance called restlessness. Works same with Ill will, Doubt and Sleepiness etc ... Noting really is a Plow for plowing through the hindrances Love this stuff!
And then the feeling of joy that comes up from realising that this shit works if one is on top it, tap, tap, tap, one after the other they arise and pass away ay ay ayyy
Yeah that urge to check the timer
and how noting cuts it down in its roots only to leave behind the Imagining of the timer in the mind. I place my phone a bit behind me so Im not able to see it as I practice with eyes open. At times there is this urge to check "how much" time and usually is accompanied with some preassure in the solar plexus and an image in my mind of the phone. So it goes quick, preassue in plexus, urge, unpleasant, imagining, and then attention moves to something else like itch or coolness or what ever. Practice goes on without the hindrance called restlessness. Works same with Ill will, Doubt and Sleepiness etc ... Noting really is a Plow for plowing through the hindrances Love this stuff!And then the feeling of joy that comes up from realising that this shit works if one is on top it, tap, tap, tap, one after the other they arise and pass away ay ay ayyy
Dont worry about the Mapping. Kenneth Folk told me when I worked with him on my practice that he found it difficult to map me but even thats ok and one should not worry much about the maps as the maps are not the terrain. The only thing I ever needed from the Maps is the heads up on the possibility of the Dark Night after having some nice concentrated blissful meditation thinking thats all to it and that bliss is the goal. Before the knowledge of the Maps I had no idea what this practice can lead into. Its so much easier to practice and cntinue to do so when you know shit can really hit the fan at some stage and that, that too, will pass away if you really keep at it.
Keep noting that feeling tone you experience and mind states like Unpleasant, Misery, Sadness, Boredom, Restlessness, Doubt, Urge, Preassures in the body etc ... its ok if these get repetitive a lot and you think you should maybe change the words by looking at something else. Do that as well but NOTE that as well, note as Escaping, Desire, Aversion, ... and return to what is there even if that be repetitive leading into some Miserable state.
Its all food for the practice!
Im in a very much similar state at the moment with some mixture of Jhana absorption leading me into a more laid back state and Noting Vipassana. Off the cushion (right now while writing this) I feel sadness (tearing sensation around the eys), emotional irritation which feels unpleasant, high pitch in the ears (neutral), pulsating in the head and heat (pleasant), vibrations in the hands and feet (pleasant), slight stiffness in the neck (slightly unpleasant), eye sight slightly defocused, a bit hard to follow what people tell me (need to ask them to repeat what they said).
Practice keeps on even when its a blistering snow storm inside " Its always darkest before the dawn"
and that, that too, will pass away if you really keep at it.Keep noting that feeling tone you experience and mind states like Unpleasant, Misery, Sadness, Boredom, Restlessness, Doubt, Urge, Preassures in the body etc ... its ok if these get repetitive a lot and you think you should maybe change the words by looking at something else. Do that as well but NOTE that as well, note as Escaping, Desire, Aversion, ... and return to what is there even if that be repetitive leading into some Miserable state.
Its all food for the practice!
Im in a very much similar state at the moment with some mixture of Jhana absorption leading me into a more laid back state and Noting Vipassana. Off the cushion (right now while writing this) I feel sadness (tearing sensation around the eys), emotional irritation which feels unpleasant, high pitch in the ears (neutral), pulsating in the head and heat (pleasant), vibrations in the hands and feet (pleasant), slight stiffness in the neck (slightly unpleasant), eye sight slightly defocused, a bit hard to follow what people tell me (need to ask them to repeat what they said).
Practice keeps on even when its a blistering snow storm inside
" Its always darkest before the dawn"
Chris Marti:
Kenneth Folk told me...
Four words for the ages.
It could have been "Chris Marti told me ..." but you didnt advertise yourself that well mate! To be honest I was looking far and wide for a teacher I could work with and it fell down on Kenneth who kindly excepted to be of help.
If I knew last year that you existed and that you will do it then I would certainly try as I guess you would do it for free
I will say something which might be of help or not.
If we choose to believe that I have attained to SE then let me share one Maybe important aspect of my last years journey;
I NEVER , not even for a second assumed that out of that practice of mine SE will happen. Maybe because I believed such "serious" attainment might need decades of practice and many months of serious retreat time or even many lives of returning back to practice and then Maybe somewhere down the line in some other life that might happen.
So. My only motivation was End of that DN Suffering. I've had enough of it and I knew deep into my bones that there was no way back and I must plow on forwards even if this makes me explode.
From the old fall from EQ to Re-observation I knew I'm not to cling to the EQ if I ever get there again
But I Never, not even for a tiny second considered what this might lead to I was way too focused on that Suffering and not to fall back into it by clinging to EQ. This recipe somehow was the Key to enter SE. It happened when I least expected. Actually I did not even expect it. I guess I was stupid. Truth.
What I'm trying to say is , maybe it's good to shift the focus from (as it is your mind after all) SE as it will happen in some other lives who knows when, and instead focus on not clinging to EQ but accepting all it has to offer and look at it until EQ becomes unsatisfactory (boring status-quo like).
This is of course only if we choose to believe that this really was the case of SE for me and not some delusional stuff
Any way, I think you are doing great by Noting those mind states connected to the desire to attain SE (or anything else) as that urge really is behind most (if not all) of Becoming.
Im at the moment in a really Confusing state of mind, nothing much is clear, stiff neck, jaw is kind of clenching, ear frequency is high pitch, emotional irritation, hard to see where attention is ... but there is still this Awareness of all that I've just written above (I mean the confusion, non-clarity, stiff neck, jaw issues etc) Noting and Acceptance of this aspect will help see and let pass the mentioned nasties. It's not pleasant holding this Acceptance but it really brings fruits of purification.
Ok I probably wrote too much already In case I missed the Mark feel free to ignore my rumbling
If we choose to believe that I have attained to SE then let me share one Maybe important aspect of my last years journey;
I NEVER , not even for a second assumed that out of that practice of mine SE will happen. Maybe because I believed such "serious" attainment might need decades of practice and many months of serious retreat time or even many lives of returning back to practice and then Maybe somewhere down the line in some other life that might happen.
So. My only motivation was End of that DN Suffering. I've had enough of it and I knew deep into my bones that there was no way back and I must plow on forwards even if this makes me explode.
From the old fall from EQ to Re-observation I knew I'm not to cling to the EQ if I ever get there again
But I Never, not even for a tiny second considered what this might lead to
I was way too focused on that Suffering and not to fall back into it by clinging to EQ. This recipe somehow was the Key to enter SE. It happened when I least expected. Actually I did not even expect it. I guess I was stupid. Truth. What I'm trying to say
is , maybe it's good to shift the focus from (as it is your mind after all) SE as it will happen in some other lives who knows when, and instead focus on not clinging to EQ but accepting all it has to offer and look at it until EQ becomes unsatisfactory (boring status-quo like). This is of course only if we choose to believe that this really was the case of SE for me and not some delusional stuff
Any way, I think you are doing great by Noting those mind states connected to the desire to attain SE (or anything else) as that urge really is behind most (if not all) of Becoming.
Im at the moment in a really Confusing state of mind, nothing much is clear, stiff neck, jaw is kind of clenching, ear frequency is high pitch, emotional irritation, hard to see where attention is ... but there is still this Awareness of all that I've just written above (I mean the confusion, non-clarity, stiff neck, jaw issues etc) Noting and Acceptance of this aspect will help see and let pass the mentioned nasties. It's not pleasant holding this Acceptance but it really brings fruits of purification.
Ok I probably wrote too much already
In case I missed the Mark feel free to ignore my rumbling
What I'm trying to say is , maybe it's good to shift the focus from (as it is your mind after all) SE as it will happen in some other lives who knows when, and instead focus on not clinging to EQ but accepting all it has to offer and look at it until EQ becomes unsatisfactory (boring status-quo like).
is , maybe it's good to shift the focus from (as it is your mind after all) SE as it will happen in some other lives who knows when, and instead focus on not clinging to EQ but accepting all it has to offer and look at it until EQ becomes unsatisfactory (boring status-quo like). I appreciate this direction. Trying to stay gentle and open about practice. I'd love to stick the landing on the first go, but at the end of the day I have to process what I have to process to awaken. If it means a few cycles, so be it. Whatever happens, this journey has been far superior to how I was experienceing life before.
“Eternity has nothing to do with time. Time is what shuts you out from eternity. Eternity is now. It is the transcendent dimension of the now to which myth refers.” -Joseph Campbell
Thanks for the thought John. The trick now is to move a truth like this from the conceptual realm to the perceptual. Back to work!
Equanimous? I dunno.
I think you are in what is technically termed “un-fuck-with-ability,” in the Motherfucker tradition. I was introduced to this notion by an intense
lover, who was delighted to come into it, with a giant implication that I was the one who had been fucking with her the most, and that she was now immune. Her immunity to my bullshit was so beautiful that i forgot to be defensive; and in any case, I knew myself to be indefensible. You will always be blessed with all manner of well-intended advice and perspective, from people who love you, hoping to calibrate you properly to their own level of comprehensible misery. I am probably the worst offender here right now. May your enjoyment of un-fuck-with-ability begin with me, then. “Piss off, my man,” will do.
I've read descriptions recently from a few sources -- MCTB, Contemplative Fitness and the Shargol comp. Stuff there seemed to really be
describing my experience for a few days. I was experiencing what seemed like formations, I was feeling tranquil, practice seemed to go into autopilot. It was just happening without me trying. I could just sit and soak up experience. That's the stuff that seemd like EQ to me.
describing my experience for a few days. I was experiencing what seemed like formations, I was feeling tranquil, practice seemed to go into autopilot. It was just happening without me trying. I could just sit and soak up experience. That's the stuff that seemd like EQ to me.
I still think that, in POI terms, it was EQ, but what my two cents are worth is slightly less than the value of the copper.
On the flip side, it seemed like I had some big highs and lows. I had a really nice experience the other day that felt very EQ. It culminated in an intense pleasurable experience followed by the panic dream I just described, which kind of sounds to me like A&P into DN. I also am not putting in crazy hours of practice as I've heard happens with EQ.
you lazy piece of shit!
Now I feel pretty good honestly. The last few days have been nice, but not over the top. Maybe that's an indicator of a good direction.
Yup.
love, tim
Brandon Dayton:
Tim Farrington:
Brandon Dayton:
Tim and HK,
Thanks for the responses. I had a bit of a non-meditative insight about this last night that I'll post about elsewhere.
Tiim -- I'd like to hear it in the original Castellano.
Thanks for the responses. I had a bit of a non-meditative insight about this last night that I'll post about elsewhere.
Tiim -- I'd like to hear it in the original Castellano.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/h3iweeurzz6dxwe/nocheoscura.mp3
That's pretty sick. Is that you reading?
Is Abre a one who has got it done?
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
Steph S:
Is Abre a one who has got it done?
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
nice move.
This is a better hijack, if so. If you can get more women like you and Linda around this macho, locker room, towel-snapping old boys shooting the privileged shit, then more power to you. I'm with this hijack now. Papa Che was driven off by Chris's grimness anyway.
Call me white hetero cis, worst possible thing as i understand it, redeemed only by my patent insanity, but don't we have enough de facto patriarchy in the religions we tried to abandon? We're like the Russian Revolution's secret police. We call each other "Comrade" while we shut the dissidents down. Fucking Tsar's secret police never called each other "Comrade," did they? So there IS progress, Comrade Steph. Now go get us another round of drinks.
oops, my bad. How patriarchal of ME.
Now go get us another round of drinks, PLEASE.
p.s. Brandon, if Steph is mean to me because of my male pig lapses, i will help you hijack the conversation back to your practice, and the Dharma talk that prevails here normally, or whatever you do on this thread during non-riot intervals. But act quickly, please, my friend, if she's riled. She is a tigress. Linda is a tigress. Two tigresses mad at me at the same time does not bode well for, uh, well . . . me.
Papa Che, save yourself! Leave me to hold the rear! keep running.
Chris, [obscenity deleted, per DhO forum rules and protocols].
p.s.
Steph S:
Is Abre a one who has got it done?
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
I basically never hear about women folk in the pragmatic dharma circles who are Arahantas. (Maybe she's not - correct me if I'm wrong). It is so heavy with men, with regards to people who are post 4th path that I read about. I'd love a list of non-binary and women post-4th pathers, that are alive today, who are ordinary laypeople and not ordained. WHO ARE THEY? I NEED TO KNOW. WHERE ARE THEY? Why aren't they here on DhO?
I'm gonna hijack the shit out of this conversation, and go all feminist on everybody's ass and I'm not even gonna apologize. Me & Linda are the only non-binary or women folk who post with any regularity in these modern times that I know of on DhO.
That difference stood out for me very clearly when I first entered the context of dharma. It seemed like the women and non-binary people who had had realizations didn't go around bragging about it because they realized that it isn't a personal accomplishment whereas there were plenty of men who were willing to talk about their enlightenment and for that reason were celebrated. I found one woman on youtube. She talked about it in an entirely different way than the men. Unfortunately she wasn't alive anymore, it turned out.
Mukti? Tina Rasmussen? Catherine McGee?
The link is Chris Marti's recommendations. First requirement is Noble Speech
Edit; if you can pass that a Firewall you get the secret dharma password!
Edit; if you can pass that a Firewall you get the secret dharma password!
Chris Marti:
Yes I noticed that, but that should be enough to misrepresent facts, unless he really was Daniel's teacher.
Word has it, from the horse's mouth, of course, that Kenneth Folk introduced Daniel Ingram to the dharma, and to Bill Hamilton.
Now I noticed a typo in my post. I actually meant "but that should NOT be enough to misrepresent facts,"! Anyway
I think that's true.
In the absence of armageddon here, on this peaceful day in samsara, i would like to say in my mildest possible tone that KF bleating about Daniel like that, as if KF laid that golden egg and hatched it too, is some lame ass bullshit of the very lowest order.
We'll let the two of them hash it out. We can call it Dharma Lineage Combat. Or, like a twisted Abbott and Costello routine, we can call it "Who's There First?" Or it could appear in a version of Dharma Jeopardy, with a high point total, under the category "Pragmatic Icons."
Chris Marti:
We'll let the two of them hash it out. We can call it Dharma Lineage Combat. Or, like a twisted Abbott and Costello routine, we can call it "Who's There First?" Or it could appear in a version of Dharma Jeopardy, with a high point total, under the category "Pragmatic Icons."
What? Second Base.
Alex, I'll take "Schism" for 500, please.
The answer is, "He was enlightened before anyone else."
Uh, who is---
I'm afraid your time is up. Other players? No. Game over.
Tim Farrington:
I think that's true.
In the absence of armageddon here, on this peaceful day in samsara, i would like to say in my mildest possible tone that KF bleating about Daniel like that, as if KF laid that golden egg and hatched it too, is some lame ass bullshit of the very lowest order.
Dude
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! 
Papa Che Dusko:
Tim Farrington:
I think that's true.
In the absence of armageddon here, on this peaceful day in samsara, i would like to say in my mildest possible tone that KF bleating about Daniel like that, as if KF laid that golden egg and hatched it too, is some lame ass bullshit of the very lowest order.
Dude
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! I believe i merely made the mildest possible remark about the quality of your teacher's bleat.
a thousand apologies, that your teacher appears to be a narcissistic [epithet deleted, per DhO forum rules.]
Dude you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU!
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! Don't rise to the bait!
Chris Marti:
Dude you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU!
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! Don't rise to the bait!
That Farry F Timmington has stepped on my big toe!!! I demand justice!!! p.s. I mean seriously why dont all use smilies like all the time!
I mean really Thats why we have them around 
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
Dude you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU!
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! Don't rise to the bait!
That Farry F Timmington has stepped on my big toe!!! I demand justice!!! p.s. I mean seriously why dont all use smilies like all the time!
I mean really Thats why we have them around i'm so sorry papa guedusko!
i didn't mean to give you an ouchie! 
Chris Marti:
Dude you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU!
you badmouthing my teacher here! This aint the end of this! Im keeping my eyes on YOU! Don't rise to the bait!
lol, yeah, right. Get real, Marti, lol.
Brandon Dayton:
I feel like I just opened a door to a confessional and found all my friends having lunch inside.
Whats Brandon doing in here ???
Papa Che Dusko:
Brandon Dayton:
I feel like I just opened a door to a confessional and found all my friends having lunch inside.
Whats Brandon doing in here ???
Wasn't someone supposed to warn him about the wreckage? Tell him the party had not only gotten out of hand, but had been hijacked by feminist Bodhisattvas? Break it to him easy? Steph, I think, was going to do it. Or Linda, in her one binary facet. That selfless compassion thing.
I wouldn't trust the rest of these testosterone-driven arhant wannabes with such a delicate task as far as I could throw them uphill on that mountain Sisyphus pushes his rock up. Polly, this includes you, in your macho binary facet.
Siavash:
and no one ever takes a word i say seriously.
Yeah. You can forgive their ignorance and cruelty.
I think this is one of the biggest crimes a person can do, when they are not taking someone seriously.
I've had a few different flavors of this, and what amazes me is how we people have high capacity for not understanding.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"
Cannot bear very much reality.
T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"
given that, the human mind eliminates as many possible sources of new information as survival allows, and sometimes more (lol). Insane people, black people, brown people, women, Catholics, Protestants, believers, non-believers--- use the old shut off valve before ever listening, and life seems so manageable.
until life bites you on the ass, of course, because the person trying to mention that fucking lion sneaking up on your ass was an Azerbhaijani, those well-known rascals, and you fucking ignored the warning.
love, tim
until life bites you on the ass, of course, because the person trying to mention that fucking lion sneaking up on your ass was an Azerbhaijani, those well-known rascals, and you fucking ignored the warning.
Sorry!
And sorry Brandon.
Siavash:
until life bites you on the ass, of course, because the person trying to mention that fucking lion sneaking up on your ass was an Azerbhaijani, those well-known rascals, and you fucking ignored the warning.
Sorry!
And sorry Brandon.
There is an old tribe Motherfucker proverb that, loosely translated from the single word in Ur-Motherfucker, says something like, "But who will warn the Azerbhaijanis?"
srouwb, your apology for your good deeds is heard on high, and accepted at all places where major credit cards are used.
p.s. unless Brandon decides to give you shit, of course.
Brandon Dayton:
Just getting hammerred by sleepiness in my sits lately. That is all.
I have started a new job lately which is rather physical and being knackered tired after the job is my normal me now
Turning up the noting voice's volume so I really hear myself does help and even standing meditation helps.
There are times when putting extra effort is needed. This is such time
Quiet meditation will just doze me off if physically tired. Daily meditation is paramount! Show must go on! That's why we have a Yogi Toolbox! Something in there for any situation.
Speak out as loud as you can in your household so you really get that energy pumping. Also try and use word Certainty if certain that each note is matter of fact. This helps motivation.
Give it a spin and see how it goes. If necessary bring the meditation time down a bit but keep the 45 minutes as absolute minimum. It's ok to note 1 sensation per second, but keep the stream of noting unbroken.
Itching-Certainty, touching-certainty, tiredness-certainty, sleepiness-certain, low energy-certainty, inability to focus-certainty, itching-certainty ... ... 45 minutes rings. Well done!
Better sit shorter but be awake throughout than sit longer but dozing off many times. Unbroken stream of noting.
you can do it!
How wonderful, Brandon! A new life, a new era. Baby-practice will enlighten you as fast as anything except heroin (where you either get enightened fast or die; baby practice is delightfully time-sensitive, a new enlghtenment every time the kid learns something new). Blessings on the happy mother, father, and the beautiful wide eyed new soul.
love, tim
Hi Brandon! How is the little one doing hope it's sleeping well during the night! I find that aspect the most important for my basic sanity Otherwise daily activities might be very challenging.
Im glad for you that Abre is of benefit in this situation. It really feels good to have someone familiar with these states and stages especially when shit hits the fan.
All the best wishes for you and your family and for your teacher.
Keep us updated when you can.
hope it's sleeping well during the night! I find that aspect the most important for my basic sanity Otherwise daily activities might be very challenging. Im glad for you that Abre is of benefit in this situation. It really feels good to have someone familiar with these states and stages especially when shit hits the fan.
All the best wishes for you and your family and for your teacher.
Keep us updated when you can.
All the best on your new job mate
I will take a fork lifter driving license end of this months which should increase a chance of finding a job closer to where I live.
Just to share;
I was never a morning person but had no issues to sit 4 in the morning when I was Post A&P back in 2010. I just needed less sleep and could not wait to wake up and sit again (out of bed onto the cushion, 60 minutes then go pee in the toilet afterwards)
Right now I'm back to not being a morning person and find it impossible to sit if too early hence practicing when more alert and awake. Would be nice to get that morning energy back again!
I will take a fork lifter driving license end of this months which should increase a chance of finding a job closer to where I live.
Just to share;
I was never a morning person but had no issues to sit 4 in the morning when I was Post A&P back in 2010. I just needed less sleep and could not wait to wake up and sit again (out of bed onto the cushion, 60 minutes then go pee in the toilet afterwards)
Right now I'm back to not being a morning person and find it impossible to sit if too early hence practicing when more alert and awake. Would be nice to get that morning energy back again!
Brandon Dayton:
Ah yes, the post-A&P honeymoon, where my depression was magically gone and getting out of bed was effortless. The early morning sits are inconsistent so far but at least the all-day sleepiness is dependable.
This reminds me of sharing war stories
look at my victories and check out my wounds kind of thing I like it Best wishes to you and your family mate!
"Comparing this to logs earlier when I thought I was in equanimity. This seems more like the real thing, particularly considering the extremely shitty stuff I experienced recently that felt very Dark Night."
This totally aligns with my experience. I say if you are unsure/uncertain even a bit that you are in EQ then you likely are not in EQ. EQ stage is very much obvious especially after a shitty heavy DN.
My biggest mistake in past EQs was clinging to the pleasantness of it as in comparison to the very unpleasant DN and fear I might fall back. This was a mistake and caused falling back of course.
It's very good you have a teacher mate! Don't fret about not having much time to sit. Once a day can be enough when in EQ and through the day just keep living and do what you do, changing diapers and feeding and looking after kids, etc ... EQ stage is there all the way anyway
My very best wishes to you mate!
BTW, my partner is preagnant im
to be a father for the 2nd time sometime next year if all goes well We should start a group Mastering the Core Teaching of Parenting ;)
This totally aligns with my experience. I say if you are unsure/uncertain even a bit that you are in EQ then you likely are not in EQ. EQ stage is very much obvious especially after a shitty heavy DN. My biggest mistake in past EQs was clinging to the pleasantness of it as in comparison to the very unpleasant DN and fear I might fall back. This was a mistake and caused falling back
of course. It's very good you have a teacher mate! Don't fret about not having much time to sit. Once a day can be enough when in EQ and through the day just keep living and do what you do, changing diapers and feeding and looking after kids, etc ... EQ stage is there all the way anyway
My very best wishes to you mate!
BTW, my partner is preagnant
imto be a father for the 2nd time sometime next year if all goes well
We should start a group Mastering the Core Teaching of Parenting ;)
My biggest mistake in past EQs was clinging to the pleasantness of it as in comparison to the very unpleasant DN and fear I might fall back. This was a mistake and caused falling back of course.
of course. Keeping this in mind in last night and this morning's practice. Noticing lots of little expecatations and frustrations after the depth of the previous sit. Nearly bit off the head of my son when he interrupted my morning trance. EQ indeed!
My very best wishes to you mate!
BTW, my partner is preagnant im
to be a father for the 2nd time sometime next year if all goes well We should start a group Mastering the Core Teaching of Parenting ;)
BTW, my partner is preagnant
imto be a father for the 2nd time sometime next year if all goes well
We should start a group Mastering the Core Teaching of Parenting ;) Congrats dude! I think parenting is just like the POI -- learn to accept the disaster until you don't give a shit anymore. So far, so good.
I have a feeling that if we dont really learn the Dark Night well, and really see it in a most profound way, the EQ might be a slippery place hard to stay in and prone to backsliding.
I really found it helpful to imagine (as an analogy of course) a huge Tsunami wave comming my way in form of DN and me having no place to hide, no tricks and games left to protect me, only utter acceptance of Dhammic Tsunami (Re-observation) crushing me any minute now. Thats it! I cant do shit about it but accept it and be crushed by the matter of fact noted phenomena. Thats it. Just that huge scary Tsunami wave and me staring at it coming and crushing over me. Thats it. Sensation after sensation after sensation, feeling after feeling after feeling, mind state after mind state after mind state ... no place to hide just acceptance and letting it crush me to bits and pieces.
... ... ...
... (Im not going to write more as I hate spoilers and they stand in the way of really accepting that Tsunami about to crush your tiny little self. You don't want it to crush you! You just accept you not being able to hide from it anylonger. Its right infront of you. Your only salvation is being Awake in those last moments; keep noting, one after the other as they arise and pass away ... yes, its a vast flood of fear, disqust and misery)
Best wishes my friend!
I really found it helpful to imagine (as an analogy of course) a huge Tsunami wave comming my way in form of DN and me having no place to hide, no tricks and games left to protect me, only utter acceptance of Dhammic Tsunami (Re-observation) crushing me any minute now. Thats it! I cant do shit about it but accept it and be crushed by the matter of fact noted phenomena. Thats it. Just that huge scary Tsunami wave and me staring at it coming and crushing over me. Thats it. Sensation after sensation after sensation, feeling after feeling after feeling, mind state after mind state after mind state ... no place to hide just acceptance and letting it crush me to bits and pieces.
... ... ...
... (Im not going to write more as I hate spoilers and they stand in the way of really accepting that Tsunami about to crush your tiny little self. You don't want it to crush you! You just accept you not being able to hide from it anylonger. Its right infront of you. Your only salvation is being Awake in those last moments; keep noting, one after the other as they arise and pass away ... yes, its a vast flood of fear, disqust and misery)
Best wishes my friend!
Brandon Dayton:
Sounds a bit like Take Shelter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFtsNj1-GFM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFtsNj1-GFM
It certainly can feel like it in my experience except, there is no taking shelter! (tiny spoiler; feels great after such a Tsunami sit, so if it shows up, persist, don't resist, and certainly do not get up early from your timed sit).
You will be fine
"Some experiences of deep cool bliss, and also one big ecstatic surge of pleasure. As the practice gets deeper everything has a pleasant quality to it. Sometimes the volume is high, sometimes low, but the general feeling tone is pleasant."
As Tim da Cross said, we do this as householders meaning we are not protected by the monasitc life style. We are the cavalary, front line, under full on barrage fire!!!
What you describe has also happened to me, and especially alot during my early years when I believed that this joy/rapture/bliss was THE TRUTH. These Jhana absorptions make my life look totally washed out and crappy. I want that bliss. Clinging wants that bliss.
What you are now learning is the truth about Jhanas; they do not last! They are unsatisfactory because they cant fucking last
The bliss part of 3rd Jhana is mostly in the long outbreathing, so next time try and unpack that in-breathing some more. See if there is some Dukkha in it. See if this 3rd Jhana really feels so great or is there even in this very state some unsatisfactory aspect of it. I mean its all 3rd Jhana, both in and out breathing, so check them out and see if you can notice any difference between the two.
On another note;
When DN Nanas have something really importnat to tell us they might come up in off cushion life as they cant really talk through the milk and honey of the Jhana stuff which is on cushion.
When you have time for the DN Nanas to tell you their story maybe turn off the absorption stuff and let the DN Nanas speak. May this be your decision, when ready or just plain fed up with this utter struggle and you just yell at it "here I am, standing infront you, naked and without a shield, come and get meeeee!" (yes Im suggesting Noting here, I know, the shamless Papa)
Best wishes!
As Tim da Cross said, we do this as householders meaning we are not protected by the monasitc life style. We are the cavalary, front line, under full on barrage fire!!!
What you describe has also happened to me, and especially alot during my early years when I believed that this joy/rapture/bliss was THE TRUTH. These Jhana absorptions make my life look totally washed out and crappy. I want that bliss. Clinging wants that bliss.
What you are now learning is the truth about Jhanas; they do not last! They are unsatisfactory because they cant fucking last
The bliss part of 3rd Jhana is mostly in the long outbreathing, so next time try and unpack that in-breathing some more. See if there is some Dukkha in it. See if this 3rd Jhana really feels so great or is there even in this very state some unsatisfactory aspect of it. I mean its all 3rd Jhana, both in and out breathing, so check them out and see if you can notice any difference between the two.
On another note;
When DN Nanas have something really importnat to tell us they might come up in off cushion life as they cant really talk through the milk and honey of the Jhana stuff which is on cushion.
When you have time for the DN Nanas to tell you their story maybe turn off the absorption stuff and let the DN Nanas speak. May this be your decision, when ready or just plain fed up with this utter struggle and you just yell at it "here I am, standing infront you, naked and without a shield, come and get meeeee!"
(yes Im suggesting Noting here, I know, the shamless Papa)Best wishes!
Fear is already part of the lovely DN package
Best thing with all things DN related is to fast note them for what they are. Fear is VERY much in the BODY sensations as well as in the mind state and feeling but most of the stuff that holds it is actually in the body. Do silent noting but keep at it;
inability to sleep, fear, unpleasant, mind images, unpleasant, uneasiness, anticipation, unpleasant, listening, tension, unpleasant ... (remembering the body sensations and really investigating them fast), short breathing, in ears ringing, strange sensation in the forehead, eyebrows clenching, heat and tension in hands, arms, jaw tension, strong presence in the eyes, ... In fear there is this urge to LOCATE the danger and readiness in arms and legs to fight or flight. This locating has more to do with seeing, hearing and smelling could also be in body being able to detect shaking of the ground in case its a large animal attacking. Check those sensations, in the eyes, ears, nose, skin.
Dont run away from the fear but also dont treat it lightly, rather you want to see all its aspects (ardent, alert and mindful without lapse), want to get to know it well, body sensations included. Its easy to feel overwhelmed with just the Feeling Tone and Mind State Body sensations are the mama and papa of this awakening game, always retruning back to the body sensations and connecting them with the feeling tone and mind states is a good idea. Calling out the Dragons name takes away 50% of its power over you Note it at least once a second and soak into it, and you are doing it right.
Fear will inevitabley pass away. Anicca never fails at this.
Best wishes to you!
Best thing with all things DN related is to fast note them for what they are. Fear is VERY much in the BODY sensations as well as in the mind state and feeling but most of the stuff that holds it is actually in the body. Do silent noting but keep at it;
inability to sleep, fear, unpleasant, mind images, unpleasant, uneasiness, anticipation, unpleasant, listening, tension, unpleasant ... (remembering the body sensations and really investigating them fast), short breathing, in ears ringing, strange sensation in the forehead, eyebrows clenching, heat and tension in hands, arms, jaw tension, strong presence in the eyes, ... In fear there is this urge to LOCATE the danger and readiness in arms and legs to fight or flight. This locating has more to do with seeing, hearing and smelling could also be in body being able to detect shaking of the ground in case its a large animal attacking. Check those sensations, in the eyes, ears, nose, skin.
Dont run away from the fear but also dont treat it lightly, rather you want to see all its aspects (ardent, alert and mindful without lapse), want to get to know it well, body sensations included. Its easy to feel overwhelmed with just the Feeling Tone and Mind State
Body sensations are the mama and papa of this awakening game, always retruning back to the body sensations and connecting them with the feeling tone and mind states is a good idea. Calling out the Dragons name takes away 50% of its power over you Note it at least once a second and soak into it, and you are doing it right.Fear will inevitabley pass away. Anicca never fails at this.
Best wishes to you!
"The clinking of dishes in the other room were like nails on a chalkboard."
This was the gold mine Brandon This is what you want to sit with. Try and see if you can warm up to the idea of Accepting all that Mysery, Disqust and Agony of those sounds "nails on a chalkboard" when they come up next time. It WILL be VERY unpleasant to sit with it but sweet at the end. In my case, it was the sound of cars passing our house that drove me nuts but was the very sit that resolved my last Dark Night really well. It was worth each miserable, agonizing and disgusting second of that sit.
Of course try not to bleed out onto your wife or kids. Better to wrap up if you feel it's just going the wrong way, and you start feeling anger towards them making noise.
There has to be the aspect of you wanting to meet face to face with your mind in those moments rather than projecting onto those who are making the sounds.
Best wishes mate!
This was the gold mine Brandon
This is what you want to sit with. Try and see if you can warm up to the idea of Accepting all that Mysery, Disqust and Agony of those sounds "nails on a chalkboard" when they come up next time. It WILL be VERY unpleasant to sit with it but sweet at the end. In my case, it was the sound of cars passing our house that drove me nuts but was the very sit that resolved my last Dark Night really well. It was worth each miserable, agonizing and disgusting second of that sit. Of course try not to bleed out onto your wife or kids. Better to wrap up if you feel it's just going the wrong way, and you start feeling anger towards them making noise.
There has to be the aspect of you wanting to meet face to face with your mind in those moments rather than projecting onto those who are making the sounds.
Best wishes mate!
With sleepiness for me, unless it is actually lack of sleep (which it often is with kids and work lol) then usually it's aversion to something (same with wandering mind). Sometimes just accepting to myself "this is sleepiness" and stopping fighting it works. Sometimes I just let myself fall asleep while meditating, which often leads into some interesting territory and it's amazing how refreshing a 5 minute drift-off can be. That inner child stuff can be pretty deep and uncomfortable, which could be a source of aversion. I've noticed watching my son grow up that I tend to get triggered on my childhood stuff as he goes through the same stages. I loved your comment about parenting being like POI. 
I find it rough at times watching someone I love so much developing some of my own neuroses in response to my behavior. Part of my practice is just trying to *avoid* falling into that trap. I can't say I'm more than 50% successful, but it's better than nothing. It's amazing with parenting how as soon as you feel like you've got one stage half figured out your onto the next one already. I guess that's like most stages of life, it's just so much more full-on with your kids. Anyway, starting to ramble now. Cheers g
I find it rough at times watching someone I love so much developing some of my own neuroses in response to my behavior. Part of my practice is just trying to *avoid* falling into that trap. I can't say I'm more than 50% successful, but it's better than nothing. It's amazing with parenting how as soon as you feel like you've got one stage half figured out your onto the next one already. I guess that's like most stages of life, it's just so much more full-on with your kids. Anyway, starting to ramble now. Cheers g
60 minutes 7:45 AM
Decided to sit on a chair again to avoid my leg falling asleep. Started with a body scan. Noticed a buzzy, irritable quality about sensations. With how life is feeling lately, I think it's safe to assume I'm back down in DN territory. Mind wandered a bit with the body scan and felt a bit drowsy. Switched to noting. Mostly doing so out loud with eyes open
. Could feel absorptions and energy increasing. Closed eyes and switched to noting vedana. Around 30 min. things started to feel sleepy. Adjusted posture to sit more upright, took off my blanket and returned to noting out loud with eyes open. Noting sped up, visuals got blurry and foggy which was fun and interesting. I continued to note space which is great with eyes open and seems like a powerful way to counteract sleepiness.
I’m starting to realize the choose-your-own-adventure quality of noting; that I can choose what things to note and therefore nudge the quality or direction of the practice.
Things were feeling energetic and pleasant. I closed my eyes and decided to do a Mahayan loop. It felt very strong. At the phase of awareness, a strong absorption came on, very centered in front of my eyes. It had the sensation of moving through a tunnel. Feeling of anticipation and craving along with it. The highest energy state I’ve felt in meditation in months.
I returned to noting and continued the rest of the session. Energy came down and things felt very settled, but alertness, energy and absorption continued. Dropped all intentions for a bit then did vedana noting. Everything felt pleasant. Would have liked to stick around a bit longer and see how things developed, but I had to start the day.
Decided to sit on a chair again to avoid my leg falling asleep. Started with a body scan. Noticed a buzzy, irritable quality about sensations. With how life is feeling lately, I think it's safe to assume I'm back down in DN territory. Mind wandered a bit with the body scan and felt a bit drowsy. Switched to noting. Mostly doing so out loud with eyes open
. Could feel absorptions and energy increasing. Closed eyes and switched to noting vedana. Around 30 min. things started to feel sleepy. Adjusted posture to sit more upright, took off my blanket and returned to noting out loud with eyes open. Noting sped up, visuals got blurry and foggy which was fun and interesting. I continued to note space which is great with eyes open and seems like a powerful way to counteract sleepiness.I’m starting to realize the choose-your-own-adventure quality of noting; that I can choose what things to note and therefore nudge the quality or direction of the practice.
Things were feeling energetic and pleasant. I closed my eyes and decided to do a Mahayan loop. It felt very strong. At the phase of awareness, a strong absorption came on, very centered in front of my eyes. It had the sensation of moving through a tunnel. Feeling of anticipation and craving along with it. The highest energy state I’ve felt in meditation in months.
I returned to noting and continued the rest of the session. Energy came down and things felt very settled, but alertness, energy and absorption continued. Dropped all intentions for a bit then did vedana noting. Everything felt pleasant. Would have liked to stick around a bit longer and see how things developed, but I had to start the day.
"knocking wood" Best wishes!
I wondered if you still have a teacher? Also all the best to your family! How is the baby?
Best wishes! I wondered if you still have a teacher? Also all the best to your family! How is the baby?
Good to know! Happy for you mate! Our 2nd is about 6 months in the belly and is kicking now a lot I'm yet to wrap my head around this actually happening It's amazing how life become so complex out of nothing really tiny seed grows into a huge tree. wow! It just never cease to amaze me! All the best mate!
After coming out of the clouds recently my practice has been effortless, and yet off cushion there has been distressing phenomenology.
Feeling of despair and nihilism, paranoia about dementia, surges of panic, and just generable irritability.
With the various passages I've made through raw territory up to this point I feel more confident with my coping strategies, but I decided to err on the side of letting Abre know. She recommended I take another little break from practice to let things settle.
I haven't meditated over the past few days, and now in retrospect, I think it was a good idea. With the change in practice, I was suddenly feeling full steam ahead about sitting as much as possible, but I can now see that not only was I moving through rough territory, but I was getting seriously caught in the stories I was spinning. I couldn't distinguish between reality and delusion, particularly as these fears of dementia were concerned. I was convinced I had early onset dimentia and was sitting in bed, in tears grieving.
I recently stumbled on to Daniel's mind maps of the POI thanks to Dream Walker, and it was an "aha" moment for me. I've heard much mention of how the stages cycle pre-path, but I never had a clear picture of how it works, and the mind map finally helped illustrate that.
It feels very much like I am in the mini-dark night spin cycle.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/npsnqpzymnkbidp/mini%20dark%20night.jpg?dl=0
(How the heck do you post images BTW?)
I've also recently found ye old Hamilton project podcast and its been comforting just to hear their down-to-earth descriptions of progress on the path. Makes me think it'd be great to have a podcast dedicated just to describing individual experiences of progress on the path. Maybe a project for later.
Anyway, I have taken a break from practice and life mostly feels dull right now with some surprising pleasant moments. I certainly feel like I've come down to earth in a good way. I spent the last two days of the winter break building a massive cardboard fort with my kids in our living room. Nothing more grounding then building something with your hands.
At any moment I can sit down quietly and get sucked up into an absorption. I feel like I could sit for an hour at the drop of a hat and there is certainly a craving to do so. It feels kinda like discovering porn for the first time.
The path continues. I look back at the year+ of dedicated effort I have made since my A&P of 2019 and it's remarkable seeing how radically my mind has changed in that time. It's terrifying at times, but there is also clearly no going back. For all the bumps and valleys it a journey I am still profoundly greatful to be on.
With tomorrow being a new year I think I'll start a new practice log.
Feeling of despair and nihilism, paranoia about dementia, surges of panic, and just generable irritability.
With the various passages I've made through raw territory up to this point I feel more confident with my coping strategies, but I decided to err on the side of letting Abre know. She recommended I take another little break from practice to let things settle.
I haven't meditated over the past few days, and now in retrospect, I think it was a good idea. With the change in practice, I was suddenly feeling full steam ahead about sitting as much as possible, but I can now see that not only was I moving through rough territory, but I was getting seriously caught in the stories I was spinning. I couldn't distinguish between reality and delusion, particularly as these fears of dementia were concerned. I was convinced I had early onset dimentia and was sitting in bed, in tears grieving.
I recently stumbled on to Daniel's mind maps of the POI thanks to Dream Walker, and it was an "aha" moment for me. I've heard much mention of how the stages cycle pre-path, but I never had a clear picture of how it works, and the mind map finally helped illustrate that.
It feels very much like I am in the mini-dark night spin cycle.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/npsnqpzymnkbidp/mini%20dark%20night.jpg?dl=0
(How the heck do you post images BTW?)
I've also recently found ye old Hamilton project podcast and its been comforting just to hear their down-to-earth descriptions of progress on the path. Makes me think it'd be great to have a podcast dedicated just to describing individual experiences of progress on the path. Maybe a project for later.
Anyway, I have taken a break from practice and life mostly feels dull right now with some surprising pleasant moments. I certainly feel like I've come down to earth in a good way. I spent the last two days of the winter break building a massive cardboard fort with my kids in our living room. Nothing more grounding then building something with your hands.
At any moment I can sit down quietly and get sucked up into an absorption. I feel like I could sit for an hour at the drop of a hat and there is certainly a craving to do so. It feels kinda like discovering porn for the first time.
The path continues. I look back at the year+ of dedicated effort I have made since my A&P of 2019 and it's remarkable seeing how radically my mind has changed in that time. It's terrifying at times, but there is also clearly no going back. For all the bumps and valleys it a journey I am still profoundly greatful to be on.
With tomorrow being a new year I think I'll start a new practice log.