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Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed

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Hello everyone,

my name is Fabio, I'm 29 years old and I'm Italian. I'll try to be short as far as it is possible. I can see that many people here are familiar with kundalini related issues or spiritual crisis. I write you here in search for any help and support...of any kind. The thing is that all the symptoms I feel didn't start yesterday but 5 years ago. Well...the point is that I couldn't do nothing to solve this situation in 5 years. I tried everything, everything, everything. It looks like nothing works for me and I fell into a kind of steady depression and powerlessness. The major symptoms I have been feeling and I feel are:

1) Itching; 2) spams,3) psioriasis 4) never ceasing inflated belly and related stomach ache 5) constant pain at the base of the spine and I feel as it has been  destroyed...like having an hole 6) total sexual impotence in the very first months and mild sexual impotence now 7) very low production of sperm or even nothing some days 8) block of sexual channels (I can clearly feel it) 9) TMJ which is very very unpleasant and discouraging) 10) psychological discomort, low self-esteem, doubts about everything even about sexual orientation, fear 11) feeling alternating heat throughout the body, imagine an hair dryer....now the heat moved also to my head and sometimes makes me like a drunk man 10) headaches obviously 11) gain in weight 12) digestive issues and even disgustaing and abnormal poop 13) difficulty in social life (not  complete disaster though), hanging out and have sex with girls even though I had very few chances in the last few years because of this mess...14) rushes and tachychardia 15) cracking of articulation (more before) and especially in the neck....16) general weakness....

I tried everything...allopatic medicine, neurologist, itnernist, andrologist...nothing...my family doctor ridicously said that I just had a nervous breakdown after the university years and that's it. So I tried to resort to "unconventional means" which I was already interested in before the event started: transpersonal psycholgogy, tarot reader, vedic astrology, western astrology, family constellation, chinese medicine, ayurveda, naturopathy, bach flowers, spiritual sadhana (with endless difficulty), mantra japa as given by the vedic astrologer as a remedy... nothing seems to work. As a result, I'm totally negative and desperate. The diagnosis of kundalini related issues and awakening was given to me by one psychologist which is well immersed and familiar with this kind of phenomena...it is his job but even though he was perfect I didn't find any relief in a psychoteraphy based on simple dialogue between me and him. He gave me so many explanations that I was fully able to understand intellectually like surrender, awakening etc... but It looks like I never came to terms with it profoundly and intimately. I never accepted it. I also have been told about this phenomenon occuring within me by another spiritual awakened operator who knew nothing about me. I approached her during a sadhana and she took my hand and she gave me the answer...I just told her that I wasn't feeling good: her answer was that those were movements that were leading to kundalini awakening and that I shouldn't close in on myself.

Well, it exactly happened and I now feel as I have lost five years of my life. I have a master degree in business administration, three amazing work experiences that I was able to carry out even in this condition, proficiency in three foreign languages...everything...but I ended up working as a waiter because I'm not able anymore to function properly, to be brilliant, to be strong and healthy to find a job aligned with my studies and work experiences. 

In brief, my life is completely stuck in all areas...work, relationships, friends...I have lost many of them without any apparent reason...I noticed people distancing from me without any reason....also very close friends and this is very painful....I think I should stop here...but please if you can give any kind of concrete help...I spent lots of money to find the solution or the way out...it is so painful.I'm a young adult and I see myself wasted when I was a very enthusiast individual, in love with life and full of ideas, in love with friends and in love with the female sex. I tried to have sex (thanks to the Almighty) one month ago but it was quite a disaster...but I tried not to think about it that much....but the problem is the comparison with my "previous life".... to conclude, I can also say that I read a lot about kundalini and spirituality in the last few years, and I don't think it's matter of lack of theoretical knowledge which I humbly quite have but it's matter of doing something serious and practical to get some relief..... I also think that the major issue is on the sacral chakra but I don't really know how to work on it. Obviously, there are other things to say but I tried to summarize everything. We might try to go deeper through the discussion perhaps.

Thank you so much for your kindness

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/9/20 6:07 PM as a reply to Helios.
What you need is not just any therapy but proper psychoanalysis. Contact these guys and ask them for help finding one, a referral... https://www.spiweb.it/ -- let me know if you're having trouble

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/9/20 7:01 PM as a reply to Helios.
Hi Fabio,

Nomally kundalini is triggered by a specific event, what some folks here call and A&P. Your post doesn't describe what you think triggered the kundalini. Could you maybe describe it?

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/9/20 10:36 PM as a reply to Helios.
I feel you bro, what a rollercoaster you have been living. I know of other persons that have similar or WORST stories... one person I know got incapacitated by this and can't leave his bed. Various years passed and still continues there.

Ok, I'll be really honest here and I'll tell you everything that comes into my mind. I'll trust that whatever I write will not be misleading and that you are sufficiently wise to take whatever you need.

I've read a lot of stuff about kundalini before my first no-self awakening experience (A&P for the MCTB fellas [I think]) and had remote contact with people who said were experiencing all sorts of kundalini awakened symptoms... even with some kundalini master that got involved in sexual abuse (it seems to be a requisite to approve the course 'sexual harassment' if you wanna get the master's degree on spiritual stuff lol)

I don't consider myself a kundalini awakened person, so you should tag my view as 'limited'. There are Kundalini people on internet who passed by very similar dismemberments. Maybe you are already in contact with them... be careful because there is a looooot of manipulation and nonsense about kundalini, and people who mix useful things with non-useful things just to have more power and script people to believe their interpretations and forget about their own inner authority.

We, normal earthlings, can have eventual kundalini phenomena, but in my humble understanding of the subject, one thing is to have ocasional kundalini phenomena and one very different thing is having the dragon serpent awakened, giving you a kick in the ass in infinite loop and real-time fashion.

So... remember this is just an opinion, you are an adult person and you can have your own discernment and know what's best for you.I trust you.

A mental experiment I would propose to you would be... mmmm....

First, I would invite you to be REALLY honest with yourself...

What if this IS NOT Kundalini?

What if you are just labelling this as Kundalini to feel that all this shit you are going through is having an interesting narrative? Don't you feel a little bit 'special' with this stuff? 

What if Kundalini is just another human invention, another label for stuff we don't know, and you have NO OTHER CHOICE but to live with this condition for the rest of your life?

I mean, Kundalini or not Kundalini you don't have any choice but to accept what you're going through. You can't fix it right now. What you can do is work through this acceptance... the beautiful life you "lost" & "crave" will not come back. Not any moment can be brought back, not even for no-kundalini earthlings.

Meditate about this... what if this is the best opportunity to surrender all the cravings and conditionings that would be eventually harmful for you and your dear people, with or without kundalini? What if this is WHAT YOU NEED and not WHAT YOU WANT?

-----

Another experiment...

What if this is really Kundalini?

What if you are having a divine process happening inside you, transforming you into something you don't know and you don't understand?

What are your real possiblities as a human, to get through this unique, divine and rare experience in a safe way?

If Kundalini is a divine force happening inside you, did you tried to communicate with it, in a honest and deep way? Are you giving it the DIVINE DIMENSION it may have or maybe are you just too much annoyed by how the divinity is not doing what you want it to do?

Are you acting in a way this divinity would consider wise and respectful? Are you learning anything from this about yourself and about life?

Ok, that was all my inspiration. Sorry I was just tricking you and I don't have any real solution to your problem.

Whatever... you can get through it, it will pass, as everything. But you will not be the person you think you are right now, that's impossible, even for no-kundalini earthlings.

Take care.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/10/20 11:01 AM as a reply to Helios.
Ciao Fabio!

I'm sorry to hear about all your problems. It sounds like a nightmare you are currently living in. But the fact that you are looking for answers means IT WILL GET BETTER.

I look at Kundalini as your embodied karmic destiny. Everything that you've ever thought, felt, said and done (in this life as well as previous lives if you believe in that), as well as those around you and your environment, has left an imprint somewhere in your body (stored as some kind of muscle tension or energy pattern). All of this energetic conditinoning is kundalini and there is some kind of set of future circumstances (lifestyle choices, behaviors, practices, people etc.) which will be optimal for you in terms of this energy unblocking and finding a more natural free flow.

People who don't have much kundalini problems are either living a life which is already pointing in a similar direction to their kundalini (they are doing what they are meant to be doing with their life) or else they live life without much self-awareness and the kundalini remains firmly trapped under the surface (possibly waiting to explode at some later point in illnesss, crisis etc.) Where it gets tough is for people in the middle, who have self-awareness or a spiritual side which has awakened them to the kudalini (energy), but their current life circumstances are pointing in a different direction. This leads to all sorts of strange problems which come from resisting what is already happening within you. It's not helpful to look at it as an outside problem which is plaguing you, rather it's your own "true nature" trying to express itself and getting blocked by the current circumstances of your life. I mean circumstances here in the broadest sense, not just your job/friends/family but also your ways of thinking about yourself and the world and your relation to your emotions etc. Actually if you just could change the latter (easier said than done!) then your immediate situation might not need to change that much at all, although it could.

Please note this is just my personal opinion, coming from having experienced kundalini for most of my life (although it took me 40 years to recognize it) and it is still a work in progress for me. I don't have any training or qualification in any of this, other than my experience. In terms of practical advice, here's what I could think of.

1) Dorothy Walters. She's an American lady who had a kundalini awakening in 1981 when there was very little publicly available information about it and she figured it out and has spent 40 years working with kundalini. She may not be your cup of tea at all, but I mention her because I saw her Buddha At The Gas Pump interview and she said she works with people online for free, so she might be able to help if funds are an issue.

2) Tara and Nigel Springett. They operate an online kundalini therapy service. Tara underwent kundalini awakening and has written books about it. Nigel practiced as a psychotherapist and brings more of a therapeutic bent. He helped me to understand where the kundalini was "coming from" (past conditioning, choices and behavior) and how to get in line with there it is "going to" (different lifestyle, choices, behavior, etc.). None of it was woo-woo energy practice or chakras, it was all just basic common sense therapy really but with spiritual insight. It's not cheap, but unlike regular therapy you don't need it every week and it doesn't have to go on for years. I think I had about 10 sessions and that seemed to be enough for me. 

3) Philip St. Romain, auther of The Kundalini Process, A Christian Perspective. I have no personal experience with him, but I mention him because you are Italian and he is one of the few English speaking people I've seen talking about kudalini from a Catholic perspective, if that is at all relevant for you.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/10/20 9:12 AM as a reply to Helios.
Fabio Gallone:
I noticed people distancing from me without any reason....

I don't mean to make light of your situation (I've experienced some of these things, and I know how concerning they can be), but I can't resist:

Have you turned on the news lately???

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/10/20 2:19 PM as a reply to Helios.
Hello Fabio,

I can help you with this. We will have to talk about a lot of dark/taboo stuff so it is not suitable to communicate here. Let me know if you want to communicate through email or some other medium.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/12/20 2:35 PM as a reply to Change A..
Yes of course we can talk privately....thank you so much for your interest!!
How can I reach out to you?? Would you please send me a private message? I couldn't find the way to send you one.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/12/20 3:15 PM as a reply to nintheye.
Thank you for your answer....however, I can't say I have personal attitudes against psychoanalisys but I'm not that sure that spending 10 or more years analyzing dreams, thoughts, events etc can be the only solution...but it can be just a temporal point view...I would like to find something "faster" in order not to bring these issues untill I'll die...anyway...I'll take it into account...thank you again

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/12/20 3:35 PM as a reply to Helios.
Fabio Gallone:
Thank you for your answer....however, I can't say I have personal attitudes against psychoanalisys but I'm not that sure that spending 10 or more years analyzing dreams, thoughts, events etc can be the only solution...but it can be just a temporal point view...I would like to find something "faster" in order not to bring these issues untill I'll die...anyway...I'll take it into account...thank you again
Analysis doesn't necessarily take ten years. You should give it 1-2 years with a competent analyst and see what happens. A lot of what you’re describing -- psychosomatic symptoms -- were literally what psychoanalysis was invented to treat.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/12/20 3:47 PM as a reply to svmonk.
thank you so much for your reply....well, I do know what you were reffering to... I try to be short...before all this I was also interested in spirituality, philosophy and deep introspection. Even so, I was a normal student, living the life of the university and of the city trying to keep the pace with my studies and mundane life. However, I had a  first major crisis (nothing compared to the current one) back in 2012 when it was more related to my unsatisfactory external life...university, relationships,friends etc... thus, I had to look for more answers and I eventually was forced to look inside and to find major strenght internally...I asked for divine help and I got it...I started to search information day and night and I bumped into gnosis for instance...then, I had my first approach towards meditation and pranayama though taken lightly. I knew I needed a Guru for being more prepared and indeed not to fall into wrong practices. I read massively during that period especially about gnosis...the new gnosis of Samael Aun Weor more precisely....it was then that I first came to seriously know about semen retention, mantras etc... I thought it was a serious truth...I felt with my inner deeper self that was the truth. Thus, I started to quit masturbation with highs and lows. To be honest, I have been a great masturbator since I was 11...I don't know why but I was born with a very high sexual charge but I had to relase that charge by myself most of the time. However, in spite of this new deep interest in spirituality I still wanted to enjoy,to have girlfriends and have fun with friends at university or through travelling. I really wanted a bit of fresh air after tough years of study and financial distress because my father lost his job. Anyway, a much better period came and I was very good with myself compared to before, full of energy, enthusiast, many things happened that made me happy and confident. I was a machine of positivity. This period lasted more less untill my last year of university where I think the event that triggered my kundalini (pranotthana, spiritual crisis or whatever) occured. I met a girl during my erasmus and I fell in love for my first time. It was a kind of whirl...I liked her without the chance to put my rational mind into that...and everything was super at the beginning. Then she left me and I got really heartbroken. I was destroyed....I started to fall down into small pieces. However, I was ok with my body...I didn't have shaking nerves for instance (you know what I mean). It was after some months that I started to feel the starting sympthoms such as tiredeness for no reason and lack of libido. It was then that I started to worry about...there was something wrong. Months passed by and all the rest broke out during one afternoon during summer...it happened like some force descended on me and was doing something to me. Some may see it as positive...for me it was like getting demolished.It was hellish. It is very difficult to explain...I felt I was dying. All the rest is more or less in my original message. To summarize: I ascribe my kundalini or whatever to deep interest in spirituality or to esoterism and to the divorce I experienced as I call it.

RE: Desperation and Kundalini - any help is welcomed
Answer
4/12/20 9:27 PM as a reply to Helios.
Hi Fabio,

What you describe doesn't sound to me like kundalini as a result of an A&P event, it sounds more like chronic depression triggered by a failed romantic relationship. You can find lots of threads describing A&P events, including some with kundalini, here. Kundalini is typically triggered by intense spiritual practice, particular shamantha (concentration) meditation, and one manifestation is hypersexuality, not loss of libido.

However, I am no psychologist and therefore if you really feel you can't shake it, I'd suggest getting professional help. I don't know what the situation is like with respect to treatment of depression in Italy, but in the US a psychiatrist (doctor specializing in mental health) can perscribe you some anti-depressants, and if you respond to those, you won't have to spend 10 years in talk therapy. That said, they all have some side effects, some people don't respond to particular types, and a small fraction don't respond to any, so it may take a bit of trying different types of medications before you find something that works.

Good luck!