- Respectfully: the teacher and author Rob Burbea passed away today. It's truly a loss for the community, but also illustrates just how many lives a person can positively impact when they live and practice well. There's a certain beauty in that. Although I have not read his book, "Seeing That Frees", I have had plans to circle back around to it once I feel ready to take my practice in that direction.

I recently started a practice log that is based solely on meditation sessions and direct, phenomenological reporting. I figured I'd start a concurrent log to report about "life stuff" as a counter point to the practice log and get feedback where needed. I've been considering whether I should even create this log as I don't want it degenerate into me moaning about lack of spiritual progress or my existential tensions as I am often prone to doing. Adding to that, this sorta feels like a self indulgent endeavor of sorts which is why I have been holding off on starting yet another thread about my musings. 

Truth is, I have to admit this practice IS making my life better by helping me navigate the unfolding with a bit more awareness and intention which is just plain skillful. I still have my goals, but the other results have been worth the work. At the end of the day this thread is just a space for me to share thoughts, perspectives, experiences, and the like. 

So why start this log today? (a bit of a peek into my magickal thinking you'll see): 

- Two nights ago a friend drew a Tarot card for me: it was Death and it was drawn upright. Usually a sign of endings, beginnings, change, and transformation. We will see what comes of it! 

- Today is my 27th birthday! 

- Today is also Vesak, which, although I don't consider myself Buddhist, just seems incredibly auspicious. 

- Respectfully: the teacher and author Rob Burbea passed away today. It's truly a loss for the community, but also illustrates just how many lives a person can positively impact when they live and practice well. There's a certain beauty in that. Although I have not read his book, "Seeing That Frees", I have had plans to circle back around to it once I feel ready to take my practice in that direction.

I've sorta noticed in the last few years that when my practice gains momentum, I seem to be prone to synchronicities. Occasionally I even get this intuitive sense about when the next one will happen... as bonkers as that sounds. Life has a way of keeping things interesting and for that I am truly grateful. 

With love,
Alex

In an interview with Daniel Ingram (10% Happier Podcast with Dan Harris), Daniel mentions how attaining a few paths (and related insights of no-self, doer, controller, etc.) helped to make him more effective. It even helped him graduate medical school a semester early.

Obviously the mileage varies based on the person, and Daniel is a pretty intense/hard working/focussed person. I've also seen the arguments that more insight may mean getting less done in the world as motivation/meaning changes.

However, it's an interesting concept and inspires my practice. How might I operate in the world if I wasn't looking for ways to distract myself from the things I deemed worth doing and trying to get done? What's stopping me from being the person TODAY that I envision myself someday being? Do I actually want to be that person? Why overthink any of it and just do it? 

For instance, last night I had about 90 spare minutes before bed and I kept asking myself why I couldn't just sit down and meditate. "Ahh one more youtube video - these are funny". I could have sat indefinitely and gone to bed once I felt tired enough. I do this every night - I have the time for a sit, but then it doesn't happen.

This relates to many areas of my life - basically just procrastination which is a form of resistance.

"I'm not trying to convince anyone that I've had those experiences. I flatly reject them at this point."

Seems to me that you have come to the place of being fed up and dissilusioned with all this attaining stuff! which , according to Kenneth Folk is the best place to be. I agree. 

Just right now, ... right now, ... am I mindful? I dunno. Let me see ... itching, unpleasant, pain in the ars, unpleasant, warmth, pleasant ... 

 

I've been working with my teacher for about a year now.

Taking stock: 

Also, it's difficult to measure what progress means sometimes...

Has this been a waste of time and money?

Is this whole endeavor a good investment of resources?

Am I all that different today than I was a year ago?

Is meditation helping me grow as a human, or how much of this is just natural maturation that comes with age - does it matter?

What if I keep spending money and time on teachers and retreats and daily sitting and nothing happens?

It's even more difficult to tell because in some ways I'm better off, and some ways I'm worse off. None of this seems like anything I read about in MCTB or TMI or when reading about the lives of other practitioners. 

There's no secret sauce! There's working on ourselves, and there's time.

The so-called secret sauce doesn't magically "make things better," wash the dishes or mow the lawn. Are you still looking for outside help? There isn't any such thing.

Please think about it.

I understand that there is no outside help and that we must put in the work as practitioners.

If the secret sauce doesn't make things, or us, our minds, our lives better, then what is the point? 

Am I gaining the faculties of mind that lead to progress, or am I just doing the same gym routine with the same amount of reps and weight everytime and not getting anywhere?

It's been a year and I don't think I am any better off. 

I'd say my teacher would agree with you and that's what they have been recommending I do. 

I'll take your advice. Just do it. Even if it takes years, just do it. 

I'd say my teacher would agree with you and that's what they have been recommending I do. 

I'll take your advice. Just do it. Even if it takes years, just do it. 

I look at this meditation stuff like I look at water; I must drink water daily not to dehydrate and in the same fashion I must meditate not to dehydrate the mind. I have no other choice really but do it until the day I die. Then I can stop with drinking water and meditating. 

Olivier it sounds to me as you are one of those fortunate ones not been hammered badly by the Re-observation good for you man! 

For those of us that got hammered by THE Mama-of-ars-kicking-dark-night there is no other thing to do but to master strengths of effort and acceptance and Just Do It, 1-10 sensations per second. AND even then, once you plow through the DN, Do Not Cling to the EQ once it arises! Find an engaging and interesting hobby instead like cleaning the house or mowing the lawn Let EQ just be EQ. 

I have a general question. I really want meditation to be as simple as "just note once every second (or every 5 seconds/outbreath)" but it seems that a certain adjustment is required for the respective Vipassana-Jhanas. For instance, my teacher tried to have me drop the noting and sorta open my attention/awareness towards the end of a sit as I was cycling around in the 3rd Vipassana-Jhana. The idea here being that maybe playing with awareness would help move the session into EQ. 

By adjusting the practice, I feel like I'm trying to game the Progress of Insight. It also induces doubt into the practice as to whether the noting technique is enough to get to EQ and eventually a path. I don't want to complicate the practice of simply sitting and labeling, you know? I also don't want to force myself into a dead end by being too stubborn to adjust technique where needded.

Okay, after writing this, I realize it's a rant. I'm not necessarily looking for advice. I'm honestly not this angsty at the moment, but these are some thoughts I've had for a few years. Maybe I'm just craving the adults and parents in the crowd to validate my wants so I don't feel crazy or selfish. As much as I love my parents and appreciate everything they have done for me (truly, they have done a great job), I sometimes feel like I need a few more parents to give me advice and bounce ideas off of. It takes a village to raise a child, as they say, and I am definitely a child deep down.  

The last few days, my personal mantra has become "What's stopping you?". I wrote it on my hand in pen and make sure to keep it there as long as I can. An ideal that can be applied to any life situation where lack of motivation or self doubt gets in the way.

What's stopping me from sitting 2 hours a day? What's stopping me from signing up for another retreat this year (or doing a solo deal because of Covid-19)? In the middle of a sit, when I am restless and filled with doubts, what's stopping me from just noting it and finishing the session?

In the grand scheme of life: What's stopping me from getting 'X' under control, and/or proceeding with 'Y'?

The people who impress me most? Those folks my age who seem to take a year or two off and spend it in another country or do some traveling. Those folks my age who don't seem to be too concerned with following the status quo or somehow have enough self respect that the validation from others isn't necessary for their mental well being. They aren't needy.
I've been dreaming of a year in Asia for the last 4 years since I started working, but I can't seem to "man up" and pull the trigger. I have family friends who have done the same and they have no regrets. I could see more of the world, learn to grow, attend retreats, get some of the 'travel-bug' out of my system. 

Yet I am scared. What does that mean for my finances? What if I get hurt or sick so far from home? What if I get lonely and decide it's all a big mistake? Will I still be accepted as an engineer and find a job if I take time off from work? What if one of my relatives gets sick or dies?***What on earth will my parents think?***

It mostly comes down to what my parents think, honestly. That area of my life is a bit of a mine-field. 

I think, part of me was hoping this practice would lead to a certain amount of fearlessness to pursue my 'ideal life'. I'm young, I'm single, I have some money saved up.... I really only have this one life, but I don't feel like I'm living it the way I want to deep down. My ideal: I want to be single without being lonely or feel guilty (because settling down/marriage/starting a family is the worst thing I could do for myself right now), being able to move around to different countries or locations as I please, and be confident in my decisions. 

There's no confidence in my life decisions, mostly just fear. I follow the status quo because there's no resistance from society or family or friends. It doesn't feel authentic, and it definitely feels like a personal fetter. I'm an anxious kid who has always been afraid of consequences. I feel stuck. It's absolutely depressing. I'm not a bad person and part of me feels I deserve to live my life dammit. I recognize that I have a good life, and that my life would be considered an absolute blessing to many people, yet, does that mean I should shut up and just accept what I have, or really live and learn the way I see fit? 

As a kid, the idea of being an adult might be cool - you can stay up late, eat whatever you want, etc. However, I really don't feel like I've hit the point where I can make truly say I'm an adult - I'm still a kid but the rules have changed. I haven't been able to make these decisions for myself and to follow through. The decisions that would make me feel like an individual capable of knowing how to truly take care for myself.

A thought occurs to me based on the above paragraph: some dogmatic buddhists might think that becoming 'more of an individual' is antithetical to the goal because it seems self centered, but maybe awakening would induce more individualism in a society as people can sweep away expectations that make them behave certain ways - doing away with the status quo... gotta wonder. Yet monks who become arahants tend to remain monks and don't return to lay life, so I guess humans are just complex and unpredicatable. 

Here and there, yes. More like counseling, really. What are you thinking?

Chris,
Sorry to place this here but I don't think you read my practice log and I wanted you to see it. I just wanted to tell you from the ebooks project I became aware of your practice log when you were in the thick of it http://awakenetwork.org/magazine/cmarti/70 and I wanted to tell you that it inspired me. What bravery! And evverything so closely noted. Thanks.

HK, I brought it up because I believe the issues you're raising would benefit from psychotherapy. They can be addressed in your practice to the extent that you have become more aware of them as vectors and habits that affect your life, but therapy can help you ferret out the sources and causes. Having been there myself, and having dealt with similar issues when I was in my 20's and 30's, I suggest it as a viable, even positive, course of action.

Sam, I think I love you. I can attest that Chris Marti is more eagle-eyed than any idolatrous god, on this sight, and His Wrath on sins against the forum rules keeps us all humble and alert and kind and fucking g-rated, if you know what i fucking mean, and i fucking think you do.
love, tim

Meditation and counseling can be a powerful mix. The biggest benefits I've found for my personal well being have come from using those two modalities together.