Kelly Gordon Weeks:
I think that I may be close to cessation. I have been paying close attention to phenomenology and mapping over the past month. Attention and awareness are pointing towards the fourth vipassana jhana.
When I sat today I felt like cessation was close. I've been here before, but it has been several months since I have experienced this. It felt like awareness was settling deeper and deeper and thoughts/sensations were becoming fainter. A familiar feeling of fear/anxiety started to build in my chest and grow stronger. It was a fear of death. Since this has happened before I began calming that feeling by saying "it's okay, it's okay friend, you are beautiful." This helped.
I'm unsure if this emotion is a natural resistance to cessation. Perhaps it's a necessary insight? Is there a better way to process this emotion? The feeling still remains off the cushion as I type this. It's difficult to describe because it's a mixture of several emotions. Sadness, grief, but also wonder, joy, and deep appreciation.
Thank you for your help.
Hey Kelly, like Olivier says, observe the fear, note the 'void' or however this fear is manifested. Understand that this fear, and the void, is fabrication. I would avoid thinking about it as cessation or anything like that, since fear/emotion is perceived, that is not 'it'. For me anatta practices are helpful here, for instance, meditation on the emptiness of the self, investigating the emptiness of the body, things like that. This whole egodeath game is a little melodrama we create for ourselves, in my experience working on loosening our grip on our 'selves' helps remind me of that and helps make the fear more malleable.
Totally normal, in fact, I would take it as a good sign, so give yourself a pat on the back.
As far as processing the emotion, I would say just surf the wave. Trust yourself, don't push too hard, but also don't be afraid. Remember also that maps have their limits, now may be a good time to try thinking less about that stuff because it can cause you to lose focus or get overly wrapped up in it. Also, familiarity helps, the more you come to expect and understand these emotional patterns the deeper you can go.
Just my 2 cents, hope it helps.
with love
JW