George practice log.

george, modified 3 Months ago.

George practice log.

Posts: 57 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
So thought I'd start a practice log because I'm really sucking at being consistent with my practice.

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21635551


This is a link to my past experience so my practice is coming off the back of that.

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

George
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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hey George, welcome back to the mat! I was laughing, going over your first log. 

from your last log, you said to Jarrett: "I've stopped my insight practice but will be starting it again in the near future. I want some intellectual knowledge to mature and also coolect my thoughts regarding the previous experience. I also want to strengthen my shamatha practice before i continue anything."

So how did that go, as far as having your intellectual knowledge mature and collecting your thoughts about your previous experience?

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

What kind of practice are you doing now? How much? My impression, for what it's worth (less than 2 cents), is that you really may not want to practice right now. You say you're feeling fine, not practicing, and from what I'm hearing here, you're beating the shit out of yourself about the practice you are feeling fine not doing. It sounds like your life ain't broke, and you're making yourself miserable trying to fix it. Or am I missing something here?
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks everyone for your words. Tim yes I feel like I have a better grasp intellectually of how to go about it but I'm still confused. I want to practice, I want to awaken.

I've been trying to do 30min everyday but its a struggle. Mostly doing Shamatha practice.

Does there have to be someone that notices everything? Isn't it all phenomena arising. Why does there have to be someone noticing the breath? The breath is just there.
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Does there have to be someone that notices everything? Isn't it all phenomena arising. Why does there have to be someone noticing the breath? The breath is just there.

'Cause having a subject (me) and an object (it) is how your mind works. The goal of practice is to sort that stuff out, figure out how it really works, eventually to "get it" in a deep, non-intellectual way. That's the "Isn't all phenomena arising?" part, but that's the advanced, deeper part that has to be preceded by the work of your practice. There isn't a magic button that gets you "there" all at once.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george:
Thanks everyone for your words. Tim yes I feel like I have a better grasp intellectually of how to go about it but I'm still confused. I want to practice, I want to awaken.

I've been trying to do 30min everyday but its a struggle. Mostly doing Shamatha practice.

Okay, "I want to practice, I want to awaken," is the note I was missing in your first post. Obviously agnostic and Chris picked right up on it, because they're right, you're in a classic time-to-just-practice-anyway phase. 

This is sort of what we were joking about on your first thread--- looking forward to being fucked up together, lol. Your practice is a struggle right now, and feels fucked up. We all go through this, again and again. 30 minutes a day is plenty right now, clearly, so the first thing is to accept the state of your art and not push for more, or "better." Letting go of that urgency, accepting the path as a long haul, can be a surprising lightening-up in itself. Embracing your technique and simply doing it, coming back to it from waves of doubt, iteration by re-iteration, is the way forward, scary in its simplicity, very unspectacular. This is where your faith in the technique gets built, in doing it with no signs of fruits for a while. Give it time to work; there's a vast amount of reorientation going on in your brain and mind and heart at any given moment in your practice, and most of it is invisible most of the time. But something is ripening, with practice; in a way, part of the technique is what we do to not interfere with the ripening process, lol. So give yourself a break and accept a steady pace over some bumpy road for a while. You're covering ground just fine, keeping your eyes on the road and staying between the white lines.
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks guys again for your words. Makes me feel more optimistic. I don't feel fucked up emotionally, I just feel like my practice is dull and useless, boring. When practicing before I was having kriyas and feeling chakras, lots of wonderful things that made me feel like I was getting somewhere. I don't get any of the energetic stuff happening anymore and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I take it this is normal? 
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

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George, boring is where it's at. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:
George, boring is where it's at. 

lol, and amen to this. This is the Path T-shirt Slogan of the Week.
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok thanks guys I'll continue practicing and investigate boredom : )
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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George, HouseOnFire was recently dealing with boredom on the mat, and it sent me back to a thread called "Fun with Boredom" by Steph. 

Fun with Boredom - Discussion - www.dharmaoverground.org

She says:
Steph

I don't know about all y'all, but one of the hardest collection of sensations for me to slug through is the ones associated with boredom - even more so than overt anger, fear, sadness, and much of the other stuff generally considered unpleasant. When I get to a point in a sit where it seems boring or dull, sometimes I'll tune out/zone out and let the mind loops rip or just want to get up. But other times I feel more compelled to investigate it. And boredom is totally unboring under a microscope.


Really it's a very deep dive into subtle anger and restlessness. It feels like craving/aversion/clinging are having a temper tantrum at the edge of a cliff when you look closely. A pattern of push-pull between them. The areas of the heart, solar plexus, and gut all have these concentrations of tensions that feel like they push outward (like they're grasping forward) - part of that forward motion feeling that makes you feel like you want to get up. Then add to that, the glutes and backs of the legs have tension that seems like it's trying to propel the body up and forward. This can get really intense when you first focus in on it, which is why it makes ya feel like you need to get up immediately, especially when it's interspersed with a forward pulling tension in the gut. 

Mental formations do this thing where they seem to turn back away from themselves - the zone out. And kinda throughout the body there's a dull, cloudy feeling that when you look at more closely is actually a very subtle buzzing of anger. It's like this low level hum of anger that moves really slowly and seems dense until you zoom in and it starts to pixelate. Wild stuff.

Just some thoughts and something to look at next time you're bored on the cushion.
agnostic, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george:
I'm really sucking at being consistent with my practice.

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21635551


This is a link to my past experience so my practice is coming off the back of that.

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

George

Believe it or not, this is a good sign! It means your practice is working and getting into some deeper areas of discomfort which you would rather avoid. Feeling alert and motivated is natural when practice is comfortable (i.e. stagnating) and feeling dull and lost is a natural reaction when your practice is uncomfortable (i.e. progressing). You need to give yourself a pat on the back! The trick is accept the problems for what they are (a sign of progress) and try to allow them to rest in awareness where they will slowly open up and dissolve. Even poor concentration can be marinated in awareness.
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

Classic!

No pain, no motivation. But there are other reasons to practice:

1. What are you, really?
2. How is your experience put together?
3. What does it mean to be a human being?
4. Is there a better way to be (with family, friends, coworkers)
5. what causes our difficult and powerful emotions?

Get curious, and get going.

emoticon
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So i've changed it up yet again practice wise. Before where i spaced out and went into a mind loop now im getting more curious as to how i'm experiencing this moment and noting it. periodically checking into the body and noting emotional tone as well. It really isn't boring after all.

So there is a spacey, dullness. It's like a thick drape is layered on top of me that kind of numbs me. Mind is fairly quiet. 

I just realised also that the need to control my experience is not present, something that I now realise was present in the first post. Simply being curious and observing what's happening. No fighting. It's OK to be spacey.


george
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Motivation very low. Hoping that if I write something in here I'd trick myself into caring. 
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

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Of course you fucking care.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

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Of course you fucking care.

lol, amen. so the "trick" worked. Which means it wasn't a trick, it was a technique. Your log is part of your practice, an aspect of your meditation ecosystem, and the feedback loops through it are part of how you uncover your motivation. You can see it in one of my early exchanges up-thread with you, where I couldn't tell whether you were motivated or not, either, but George and Chris Marti could. 

Of course you fucking care. That's why we're here. 

you were HERE, about a month ago:
So i've changed it up yet again practice wise. Before where i spaced out and went into a mind loop now im getting more curious as to how i'm experiencing this moment and noting it. periodically checking into the body and noting emotional tone as well. It really isn't boring after all.

So there is a spacey, dullness. It's like a thick drape is layered on top of me that kind of numbs me. Mind is fairly quiet. 

I just realised also that the need to control my experience is not present, something that I now realise was present in the first post. Simply being curious and observing what's happening. No fighting. It's OK to be spacey.


Where are you at now?
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks guys. I guess I do care, there's just so much aversion to practicing. And yeah I guess I'm writing on here so that I can motivate myself somehow to push through. I'm spacing out quite a bit and fantasising a lot in my sits but I notice it. 
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

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Bringing awareness to aversion is the practice! Instead of trying to push through aversion (which leads to spacing out and fantasising), try exploring it instead. Where do you feel it in the body? What are the sensations like? What happens if you allow yourself to drop right into the center of the aversion?
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So tonight I decided to sit with this shit feeling. I wasn't sure what to do because I didn't want to space out and get all dull so I noted everything hard for 15 min until I saw some clarity. This heaviness just lifted and i was bright, alert, light. I know that's not going to happen all the time but it has shown me why I do this. 
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So tonight I decided to sit with this shit feeling. 

Amen. Sitting with this shit is a great description of what we do. The lightness, clarity, and radiance of accepted shit is always a surprise.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Frustration, anger, impatience coming up. Where at the start I was experiencing a lot of love, wonder, joy now I feel like a shit human. Trying times. I tell myself that it's just the universe doing it's thing, don't be hard on yourself but when you don't even have the patience to talk to people it can get hard. Just trying to note my experience. Not much room for love and kindness. 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I am grateful that I'm sitting through it though. I don't want to give up. I need to keep going.
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

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George, this is classic dark night, dukkha nanas. Love and joy a distant memory, and it feels like we were probably fooling ourselves about that rainbow shit anyway. The shit human being is right here, all the time, in every direction, coloring everything, and everything we do as that shit human being only makes it worse. But doing nothing is impossible. Meanwhile, there are people in our life, and responsibilities to fulfill, and real things to get done. It seems like maybe the best we can do is hold our mud, off the mat. And on the mat, shit, and deeper shit.

I am grateful that I'm sitting through it though. I don't want to give up. I need to keep going.

Yeah. And what's there to go back to? What would it mean to stop? It's too late for that, the can of worms is open. My rules of thumb here are to truly realize that there is no hurry, here as much as anywhere, where there seems to be nothing to do, and every something seems to make it worse. You really are engaged in a process, the path is real, and this is where you're at. Trust what got you this far. There is an unimaginable amount of work going on in this phase where only the shit can be seen; you're letting go of stuff in the way that only misery can teach us to let go of it, like it's a hot stove. The first fruit is humility, we realize that the conquering hero is shit, that however this is going to get done, it's not because we're in control. And the second rule of thumb is related to the trust that lets you slow down and give this deep work the time it really takes: let go of fear. Trust what got you here. The worst has sort of happened, lol, it's shit humanity everywhere you look, and no shining light at the end of the tunnel visible. Accept that. This is what we were supposed to be most afraid of, shit, shit, and more shit, and no clue how to get out of it. So again, trust what got you here, let go of that blind urgency to escape and the useless fear of being in this, both of which only make it worse. You're right where you need to be, and you're sitting through it, and not giving up. Trust that, accept this. It really does come with the territory. A lot of old stuff is coming up for examination here, and being seen through as useless or worse. It feels like shit. It IS shit, lol. But this shit will burn, in the fire you're sitting in. What's left will be the unforeseeable creative response to what is. So trust what got you here, here above all. And hang in there, buddy.
​​​​​​​
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks Tim, your words mean the world.
​​​​​​​It makes a lot of sense. Whatever it is I need to sit and like you said burn it up. That's all I care about, I don't even care about stream entry. 
It's funny because at the start you think you're this amazing human that is doing this amazing thing now it's as if ok what am I doing wrong, shouldn't I be more loving with all the meditation I'm doing?
Anyway I've sat for an hour today & im going to sit again.

Lots of love to you and the community, thanks.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george
It's funny because at the start you think you're this amazing human that is doing this amazing thing

Some people spend decades there ... welcome to real practice emoticon
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Feeling ok. Was fairly spacey in tonight's sit but I still sat for an hour. I try to note my way through it but get caught up in fantasy. Just going to keep going.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Feeling terrible. I want to throw up. Yuk
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

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Yup, that's your system detoxing. Hang in there, it passes. Don't fight it - the more you can accept it as a necessary cleansing process, the faster it will pass.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah, far out. All weekend I've been feeling it and anger, frustration, zero tolerance for anything. Is everything shit because my happiness is based on a condition? 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

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Without knowing your specifics, if I had to guess, I would guess that everything is shit because you've been repressing anger for a long time and now you're really starting to feel it. If that's the case, it's a totally normal reaction/process.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah ok, wow. thanks George!
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok I haven't slept much at all, very light sleep. Body felt really agitated before but I'm feeling ok now. I don't want to end up in a hospital again, I'm thinking I'll skip practice today. I don't know if I should push my body further than this. 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Sounds like a good decision. It's really important to respect your limits (which obviously can only be found by pushing a little past them). It's a marathon not a sprint. There's only a finite amount of dukkha bottled up inside you and it's a process of letting the pressure out little by little. Taking care of yourself is essential to this whole process - sleep, rest, diet, exercise, grounding activities, non-stressful relationships, therapy etc.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks George. I managed to get a little more sleep in and I feel good now. I still have an appetite which is a good sign too. I'm going to sit tonight out and just rest. Thanks again.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi guys I have a few questions regarding the practice. I was always under the impression that you had to push through this stage? Obviously not. Can you still make progress if you have a day off and then go back into it?
Also with time will I be able withstand the pain with greater ease so that I can continue practicing etc?
Last one, with consistent practice, even when taking a few days off if it gets tough does positive behaviour change still happen? 
Thanks again guys, lots of love.

George
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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hi George,

I was always under the impression that you had to push through this stage? Obviously not. Can you still make progress if you have a day off and then go back into it?

Absolutely, yes, on the day off being fine. Do something fun and renewing for you, give your poor ass-busting self a genuine holiday, as free and easy as possible.

"Pushing through" is a finely calibrated thing in practice. Think of hatha yoga, you're in a posture and you find the place where your body feels the tension of the pose. That was pushing, to get in touch with that tension. Now, if you push harder at that point, it's going to start to hurt, and may even do damage. So the "pushing through" is actually pushing to, using your own effort to find the precise point where your own effort can not doing anything more except harm. Recognizing that point in your practice, and learning to live with the tension you have found, in whatever form it takes, is the key. Physically, your body solves that tension, in its own ways and at its own pace: there are releases, tiny visceral learnings, discoveries of unsuspected ways you've been holding on tight. Likewise in meditation. You have come into contact now with a powerful, undeniable stratum of yourself, and created through your practice a tension that is uncomfortable to live with, and that, if you push harder, turns into real suffering. As George said, it's a marathon, not a sprint. And in a marathon, if you have to walk for a while, or even stop, well, that's just the way it is. (Remember, the original Greek messenger who ran from Marathon pushed through, delivered his message, and dropped down dead. We're trying to avoid that in this marathon.) Have some water and an orange. Sit in the shade. Change t-shirts. The course to run will still be there tomorrow. The nature of existence is not going anywhere. One of my main spiritual rules of thumb is "as much as I can stand." The humility that comes with actually being honest and accurate where there are limits to what we can stand will save you a lot of the pain of fooling yourself, and even hurting yourself, trying to conform to some image of some meditation superman no one was ever meant to be anyway.

Also with time will I be able withstand the pain with greater ease so that I can continue practicing etc?

Your relationship to the pain will change; what you see AS pain will even change. There are certain times that are simply going be to crunches by the nature of what is coming to consciousness, stuff that appalls us maybe, or scares us, or seems to render the whole thing null and void. The more you can do the paradoxical move of neither backing off nor trying to push past, the more calibrated your capacity to simply hold the sustainable tension and let your entire body-mind system work within a large degree of total mystery (to the self that would prefer control here) to discover a better way of living with this apparently unbearable and unreleasable grip of shit, the better you'll be able to practice through such times. It's trusting your practice, trusting your path, letting your technique work.

Last one, with consistent practice, even when taking a few days off if it gets tough does positive behaviour change still happen? 

Hell yes. In fact, in your case right now, the few days off ARE a positive behavior change, lol.

Hang in there, George.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi Tim,

Thanks for your words. I have a bad habit of forcing things. I have to let go of what might be and just do what I can, letting the practice take its own course.
It's just that everyone is talking about stream entry and I want to see what it's all about! Haha. Anyway I'm about to pass out. Thank you!!
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah "stream entry" doesn't solve anything by itself. Actually if you force through it then it can make things worse. Much better to tread your own path at your own pace. emoticon

You could even think of practice as "learning how to be yourself". If you're somebody that's used to pushing themself too hard (which is basically most of us in modern life lol) then that means practice is the one place where you don't have to push yourself, where you can simply hang out and learn what it really feels like to be you without trying to get something out of it ... and yeah, lots of us learn this lesson the hard way! emoticon
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Month ago.

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Yeah "stream entry" doesn't solve anything by itself. Actually if you force through it then it can make things worse. 

This is an interesting comment that I think would benefit from elaboration:

1. How do you know this - is it your experience?
2. What do we tell all those people who've practice long and diligently to get stream entry? Do you think they would agree with you?
3. What does "make things worse" entail, exactly?

Curious...
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

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1. It depends how you define stream entry! I had certain cessation/fruition-type events (described here) which seemed to match those described in MCTB paths in some respects. Personally I think of them as progressive loosening of the first fetter (self-identity view) rather than "technical paths" (if indeed that's what they were). These experiences provided deep insights into the nature of self, space, consciousness, time and seeking. They fundamentally changed my relationship to my experience so that suffering has been greatly reduced. I feel like I've seen through the fabrication of self-identity in a pretty fundamental way, which would point to sotapanna, however I can't be sure since I don't know what I don't know! So, possibly SE, possibly not.

Some of these events initially proved quite destabilizing, which I attribute to the fact that I was pushing myself very hard with an insight-heavy, absorption-light approach. Temporarily there were times where I felt like things were worse (without messing up my life thankfully), but over time as I integrated the insights then things definitely got much better. I feel that if I had pushed even harder then the destabilization would have been worse. So, from wherever I stand, my advice is to err on the side of caution if you are prone to pushing yourself hard. Of course that’s easier to say in hindsight than when you are hungry to make progress! I’m definitely not saying that SE-type events don’t change anything. There are a bunch of changes involved in getting there and then the event itself has profound after-effects. It's just that from my experience I think it’s wrong to expect it to solve your personality issues, and if you are pushing too hard then the energetic after-effects could actually amplify them, at least temporarily.

2. For all those practicing diligently for SE-type events – go for it, it’s 100% worth it! However don’t expect it to solve your personality problems/issues by itself​​​​​​​. (As for those who did get SE, I don't know if they would agree with me ... did anyone have immediate resolution of a personality issue upon SE?) There seems to be something of a trade-off between speed and stability. Going slower seems to make for a smoother ride and the insights easier to integrate, but you run the the risk of losing momentum and motivation if it takes too long. Going faster keeps the motivation up because you see continual changes happening, but you run the risk of more instability when the big events hit. However I think that for me, having more insight made it easier to work on my stuff. So my advice if you’re inclined to push is find your limits and stick within them. And the further down the path you go, the less that pushing helps anyway and it becomes more about acceptance and letting go (and maybe it should be that way from the start lol).

3. There were two major things that happened to me which seemed to make things worse temporarily. Somewhere around “technical 3rd” (which I think of as pre-sotopanna) I was pushing hard on nonduality and started having depersonalization experiences. The first one felt psychotic, but they got easier over time and eventually vanished. I attribute them to the fact that I was too much in my head and not aware enough of my body. When “technical 4th” hit I had a strong release of energy and a narcissistic blowup on here. Thankfully the community was supportive and that was the gateway for me to really start addressing my narcissism from the ground up. Again, I’m not making strong claims to technical paths or otherwise here, just giving my experience of what can happen along various stages of progression and making guesses to align with maps. Sorry about the long personal post in your log George, but hopefully it might be helpful!

EDIT: I should add, the events of "technical SE" and "technical 2nd" weren't destabilizing, although it was after that I started to become more
aware of my narcissism.
 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi George, it's totally fine. Thanks for giving us your insight! I was under the impression that stream entry would allow you to experience suffering with more equanimity? Personality is I thought, something you would always have to work on?
At the beginning of my whole log I said I wanted to develop a shamatha practice so that it would make things easier. Curiousity has got the better of me and I'm back on the insight wagon. To be honest I just sit for an hour without doing anything sometimes and stuff happens. Kinda zen style. I don't get it, it just does it all by itself.
I'm sitting tonight out again, I didn't sleep well last night either but mood is substantially better. Hopefully tonight I get some zZzZz. 

george
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yes, "insight events" generally allow you to experience pain with more equanimity, so less suffering. However they also tend to open up deeper issues, so more pain! Eventually you get to the “core wound” and after that the pain starts to get more refined. On balance the suffering is still reducing, it just doesn't happen in the linear way you might expect. Hence Bill Hamilton’s classic one-liner: 'Suffering less; noticing it more.' The first two of Shinzen Young’s four formulas also encapsulate it:

Suffering = Discomfort x Resistance

Purification = Discomfort x Equanimity

Frustration = Pleasure x Resistance

Fulfillment = Pleasure x Equanimity

Yes, personality issues are something you will always have to work on. It’s called being a human being! The further you go down the path, the more you realize how much of your suffering is generated by the unconscious operation of psychological defense mechanisms, resulting in fixed reactive patterns. Someone else maybe said ‘awakening is the last thing you want it to be’, meaning there is always some part of your life that you want to protect from your practice, and that’s where the most suffering is generated.

I’m a big fan of open awareness practice and just seeing what bubbles up. It’s all basically happening by itself anyway, so the sooner you give up the illusion of control the better!

There’s always an interplay between samatha and vipassana. Ajahn Chah I think said it’s like 'two ends of the same stick, if you pull from one end the other end invariably moves'. Absorption is very healing and a good place from which to generate deeper insights. But when absorption stops going deeper then you need to apply insight itself to the hindrances.
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 3865 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
In my humble opinion, it's a mistake to expect psychological changes to occur while getting stream-entry (very first cessation, fruition). Having that expectation is very likely to cause confusion and frustration. The path of insight is about awakening to how the mind processes signals from our senses, and the profound nature of how those processes form our moment-to-moment experience. Yes, it certainly touches on personality and psychology, but that is by-product, not the main purpose or prospect.

George S., thank you for your detailed reply, which reinforces the paragraph above.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 57 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
I'm so arrogant, it astounds me. I try to impress people all the time. I'm an asshole. I Fucken complain all the time. I'd like to shut the fuck up. 

​​​​​​​I've slept well but still tired. Going to sit tomorrow. 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
lol, george, you may be an asshole, but you're a really decent fucking asshole, and working on it, and sort of lovable about it. To become aware of the vast sea of our arrogance and ass-holiness, to dip a toe of self-consciousness into that water, is the first chilly sense of what can eventually ripen through humiliation into humility, the best of realistic self-consciousness. I speak as someone who had to be swallowed by a giant fish at the bottom of that asshole sea and eventually vomited up on the shore.  It's worth the trip, to risk sounding like an arrogant asshole, lol. (I should shut the fuck up.)
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 57 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Ok I think I need to just relax and understand that this stuff is going to come up and not identify with it. I think I also need to see a therapist & do some exercise. I've been a bit of a couch potato.
Martin, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 274 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
george
Ok I think I need to just relax and understand that this stuff is going to come up and not identify with it. I think I also need to see a therapist & do some exercise. I've been a bit of a couch potato.

In terms of reliable short- and medium-term effectiveness for garden variety mental health issues, few things give more bang for your buck than exercise, and particularly regular aerobic exercise. It is a miracle drug that many leave sitting on the shelf. It is also useful in both brightening and claiming the mind, which are great aids to both mindfulness and concentration.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 57 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
I wrote a whole bunch just then but I'm just going to say thank you Tim. I wonder how you, George S and others find the time and patience to reply to my shitty log. You guys must have gone through it all yourself! Your words really lift my spirits. Thanks
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 1538 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Welcome to the asshole club! emoticon

You can relax george - you're not the first person who likes to impress people and complain. emoticon

Acknowledging it is a really big step forward. 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 57 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Been sitting the last 2 days and I'm going to sit tonight. Mood is low, I'm agitated. Sleep is light. Fucken shit human. Work is mostly enjoyable though, if I didn't have that I'd be in trouble. I can wake up for work and can't wait to get stuck into it. I think it's an escape and lots of joy comes when I complete a project.
edit : Tonight I sat for an hour. It was unpleasant, noting body sensations, images, mental talk, questioning, awareness shifting from object to object, searching, scanning. Pain in the body, tension in the shoulder blade area.

george

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