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Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)

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Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/1/21 7:24 PM
[Link to previous log]

It feels like a good point to start a new log. I really don’t know where I am or what I’m doing now, so I figure the safest option is just to keep practicing until I’m sure I’m a stream-enterer! As always, comments and questions are welcome thanks.

I’ve been having some dreams about my family, which is unusual because my dreams are usually about strangers and more abstract fears and anxieties. In one I have to take a separation from my wife and I feel very sad about it. In another I have a Ferrari parked in the garage, my Dad is teasing me about it and I feel embarrassed. In another one my wife starts flirting with other men in a pub and I get jealous. 

I’m also going to bed earlier when I’m less tired and watching how the dream process starts up as I’m falling asleep. I often meditate after waking up in the middle of the night and then go back to sleep, which seems to work well for me and increases dream lucidity. In Guru Viking’s interview with Ron Serrano he mentions the Threat Simulation Theory of dreaming, which says that dreams evolved as a way of using non-productive sleep time to simulate threatening events in order to better deal with them in future. Since learning about that I’m noticing how the early dream segments are often about threats and dangers from the same day. Later dreams tend to deal with stressful situations from further in the past and/or deeper in the subconscious.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/4/21 10:49 PM as a reply to George S.
This is an update on my experience following the spate of insights a few weeks ago (logged here and here).

My sense of the body is less solid. I look at my hands and have to remind myself that they are my hands, otherwise they seem like just more stuff appearing in space. My sense of the body is mostly energy waves and vibrations, with other random sensations appearing from time to time which don’t automatically get apprehended as belonging to my body like they used to.

The sense of space being centered around me is attenuated. Somehow all parts of space seem to carry similar weight and it’s more obvious that the sense of space is being fabricated on the fly.

I can’t seem to recreate the sense of a unified field of awareness any more. It seems like stuff just appears at the various sense doors and is clearly known without the need for anything extra. This is weird in meditation because I can’t seem to focus on anything specific any more, since there’s no sense of having a focal point of awareness that I could move like I used to think I was doing. I try to focus on the breath but all I can detect are a bunch of sensations and trying to think of that as a single object feels unnatural and kind of impossible.

In general, objects seem to have lost a lot of their thing-ness. If I look at an apple then it seems more like just a blob of green rather than a clearly defined object with associated thoughts and feelings. If I try to visualize an apple with my eyes closed then it doesn’t seem to work as well. I say the word ‘apple’ and try hard but only get a slight sense of what I used to get. It’s like my brain is saying ‘why on earth would you want me to do that?!’ Overall this is giving experience the feel of a soft seventh jhana (no-thingness). This was mildly disconcerting at first and it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I can still interact with objects fine when I need to in daily life, it just seems artificial and uncomfortable to try to think about them any more than that.

My emotions still seem to be less sticky – arising and passing in the present (self-liberating I think they call it in Dzogchen). They can still be very strong, but I’m reacting less to them (for now).

My thought stream is still very active but it feels more like background noise which I can just ignore if I want (which is a lot of the time now).

My personality structure is unchanged - still basically narcissistic. I do feel less inclined to translate my narcissistic thoughts into speech. Maybe if I was voicing 50% of my narcissistic thoughts before then it’s now down to 10-20%. But I feel that if I don't continue to work with this issue then that could go back up.

My sense of time hasn’t recovered anywhere near to what it was before. Thoughts of the distant past pop up quite frequently (I guess as part of a process of ongoing purification) but there doesn’t seem to be as much new memory being laid down, probably because of the reduced emotional stickiness of experience. I’m having very vivid childhood memories which I haven’t had for decades, but can’t remember much about what happened yesterday. This could just be an effect of premature aging lol (my grandmother used to say stuff like this when she was in her 80s). Any kind of thoughts about the future are a headache, although I can interact with the future when necessary (e.g. making decisions) seemingly without needing to think about it too much. Basically any excursion out of the present moment is immediately seen to be an unnecessary source of discomfort and stress.

Re-reading what I’ve written, it might sound like I’m trying to say that I’ve entered a dramatic alternative reality. When I used to read accounts like this in the past I would think something like ‘wow, that really seems like an impressive place to try to get to’. But it feels more muted and natural than that. It’s more like ‘oh, this is just the way things are, I’m surprised I put so much effort into convincing myself otherwise for so long’. In many ways it reminds me of the way I used to view myself and the world when I was a young kid.

My experience is certainly not wonderful all the time. The experience of “seeing though time” (impermanence fruition?) was 3 weeks ago and for the first 2 weeks my craving levels were minimal. There was a kind of fine oscillation between nibbana and samsara. Over the last week craving has come up a bit, but nowhere near the levels before. There has actually been some quite unpleasant experience, probably because I went through the process of deconstructing space, awareness and time quickly without allowing time (!) for the insights to settle. So I find my mind still craving at times for the way things were before, although I don’t have the sense that I actually want to (or could) go back. There’s still an excess of energy in my head and it will probably take years for it to rebalance lower in the body, which is uncomfortable. To a certain extent the perception of dukkha is skewed by the “suffering less, noticing more” factor. Having had a good taste of nibbana, samsara/craving just feels more icky. Having said that, my attitude towards samsara has changed dramatically. I used to think that I had to get samsara (e.g. energy imbalances, unsatisfactory jhanas, personality problems) all sorted out before I could experience nibbana. Now I’ve experienced nibbana as the absence of craving for experience to be different from the way it is, I know that samsara is never very far away from nibbana. At times it feels like I’m 80-90% in samsara, but I know that I just have to stop for a moment, relax the craving and then it’s like ‘ah ok, nibbana is still there, no problem’. So I don’t feel the same wish for samsara to “hurry up and finish”, I’m more accepting of it as a pre-defined process which I don’t have any control over and will take as long as it takes and is basically ok just the way it is (even if it never finishes, which I suspect it won’t). A lot of the time I’m just busy with family life and not thinking about this stuff at all, so overall life feels pretty normal.

My basic sense of the last few weeks is that I saw some doors opening up and ran through them as quickly as I could before they swung shut or I gave myself time to think about it (being an over thinker means I can usually talk myself out of anything). This has basically been my modus operandi all my life when faced with a big decision which I sensed was the right way to go but lacked confidence. That strategy has usually resulted in quick changes in circumstances, as well as making a fool out of myself and creating some mess along the way (narcissist as always). I’m planning to write a longer post on narcissism and spirituality in a separate thread at some point, because I feel like that’s something I genuinely have to contribute.

I’ll reiterate my point from my earlier posts – nibbana as I experience it is absolutely not a special kind of experience. It's the same old experiences, just experienced without the craving for them to be any different from the way they in fact are. The first time I experienced nibbana after such a long time in samsara then it did indeed feel like a very dramatic “mind moment” which did something significant to my brain’s wiring (breaking the craving function?). But over time it starts to feel very familiar and normal, it’s samsara which starts to seem like the outlier. I would go so far as to say that craving for nibbana is the surest way of avoiding it, whereas accepting samsara for what it is – the constant cycling through different planes of existence – is the easiest (and only?) way to experience nibbana. I also feel more strongly now than I did after the initial experience that nibbana is not guaranteed and I could easily get swamped by samsara again. It still feels very much like a beginning …

END NOTE:
I'm still sticking by my story that the experience of nibbana is something I've known on some level all along and was merely hiding from myself by believing it was an extra special experience I had to go looking for. That might sound charlatanic, but it is honestly the way it feels to me. Obviously from my story I did actually put a lot of effort into seeking and practice in its various guises, but as far as I can see the point of seeking is to exhaust the seeking energy itself. But yes there's all the difference in the world between pretending there is nowhere to get to and actually getting to the point where you can accept it. And of course practice does fulfil a very important function other than to exhaust the seeking energy - and that function is purification. It's abundantly clear to me now that insight and morality occupy orthogonal axes. (I'm using "morality" here in a wide sense, not just precepts but general personal development including psychological & personality issues as well as energetic development.) There is a relationship but it's not linear (greater morality does not necessarily imply greater insight and greater insight doesn't necessarily imply greater morality). As far as I can see, greater morality makes for a smoother integration of insight when it occurs, but the actual impact of morality on the chance of insight occuring is unclear to me. To a certain extent, greater morality helps to create a smoother life and clearer mind in which insight has a better chance of occuring. But on the other hand, attaching to moral development as a cause in itself beyond a certain point seems like it might make it harder to to abandon (at least temporarily) the worldviews which prevent one from seeing the ultimate insight - the equi-valence of all experience (which might sound like amorality to someone fixated on morality). Anyway, that's kind of an academic discussion.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/5/21 5:19 AM as a reply to George S.
At a certain phase of my practice, I got very interested in ill will. Mostly things had improved in my life with the understanding that ill will needs to be created by bringing aversion, greed, or indifference to what was already occuring. So I got a little crazy for hunting down ill will and allowing it to relax into the absence of aversion, greed, and indifference. I also had to remember that part of me was identified with this hunting, so when there was the absense of AGI and it felt like I wasn't doing a good job, I had to remember to recognize THAT as greed for something different, aversion to the absence of ill will, and indifference to neutral experience.

Seems like nibbana might be your thing. It might be interesting to explore hunting around for any experience that doesn't nibbana. For something to not nibbana, there is some aspect of aversion, greed, or indifference "holding on to" what has already happened. Maybe use formal practice to look at sensations, urges, emotions, and thought categories that don't nibbana and try to find and relax the associated aversion, greed, or indifference(?) Remember to also notice any inability to relax when there is no apparent AGI, that usually means there is more subtle AGI to see.

The reason I mention this is when there are changes in psychology (eg 30% reduction in expressed narcissism), it can be hard to get traction in practice because everything feels so slippery and... easy, in a way. So it takes a bit more intention and investigation to continue practicing at the new level and usually it takes some kind of personally interesting and intentional/structured practice to help practice get traction again.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/5/21 6:14 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks shargrol, that does seem like a key issue for me. In all my excitement about insights etc., I have been overlooking the fact that I still have some kind of basic aversion to equanimity. It could be as simple as saying 'equanimity just doesn't feel like me'. Because of my poor self-image (narcissistic hatred of the true self basically), it seems that if practice is not difficult to some extent then I lose interest. I will try to bring some more awareness around this and figure out ways to counterbalance it. It feels like the right thing to do is to try to rebuild my self-image somewhat in a more equanimous fashion. Even just saying that gives me an icky feeling in the stomach as if I was somehow not being true to myself! Maybe my motto should be "there's nothing wrong with equanimity!" If anyone else has any suggestions I'm all ears ...

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/5/21 8:31 AM as a reply to George S.
The question could be "what is wrong with this equanimity?"... which will point you to where you are still holding on to some contrived sense of problemness and contrived sense of needing a self to solve this assumed problemness.

I don't think hatred of the true self is really possible, but there can definely be hatred of contrived problemness and hatred of a false-but-assumed-to-be-true self. 

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/5/21 10:28 AM as a reply to shargrol.
I'm still trying to understand the relationship between the psychological theory of narcissim (true self vs false self) and the Buddhist theory of not-self (selfing as a process rather than identity). As I understand it, the false self is the collection of "external" identities you use to interact with people in different interpersonal situations, whereas the true self is how you feel about yourself when you're on your own and not thinking about other people. The narcissist is over-invested in the false self and less in touch with the true self. But from a buddhist perspective it seems that even the true self should still be seen as a collection of processes rather than a stable "core" identity. I'd be interested to know how non-narcissists see this.

As a narcissist I tend to think about the world more in terms of the reaction I get from other people, i.e. interaction with the false self. It seems like this preoccupation with reactivity might translate in meditation into a greater interest in the more dynamic states where something is clearly happening as a reaction (anger, pain, ecstasy, insights) and corresponding tendency to discount or ignore equanimity, which is characterized by a lack of reactivity to pain or pleasure. So yes, maybe there doesn't need to be investment in a true self to solve this assumed problem. Maybe it's just another case of "seeing things as they are" and accepting them, which has tended to work for me in the past with assumed problems on the path. 

I agree that "hatred of the true self" doesn't seem to make much sense. The condition of narcissism is really characterized by deep inner feelings of shame (arising from early experiences). Investment in various false selves is designed to compensate for this and works for a while, but eventually creates more problems than it solves which perpetuates the feelings of shame and escalates the cycle. Rather than talking about "self hatred" it seems more helpful to characterize it as frustration and anger arising from seeing the continual failure of this strategy.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/5/21 10:53 AM as a reply to George S.
 As I understand it, the false self is the collection of "external" identities you use to interact with people in different interpersonal situations, whereas the true self is how you feel about yourself when you're on your own and not thinking about other people. 

I'm not sure where your definitions come from, but you seem to be trying to force-fit psychology and Buddhism. I suggest it would be better for you to keep those domains separate for the purposes of understanding what they are (first), how they related to you (second), and how they can inform your meditation practice (third). Otherwise, you're just making both a mass of confusion, which is not helpful.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/8/21 10:16 AM as a reply to George S.
I’ve tracked my remaining ill will down to a deep-seated feeling of shame. The best way I can describe it is the sick feeling in my stomach I had as a young kid when I knew that I had done something wrong and it was only a matter of time before I was found it. Actually it's been there most of my life and it’s the root of my narcissism. It's probably the deepest core feeling I identify with. It’s very much on the level of pre-verbal feeling now, because my rational mind is mostly free of such thoughts. It must have started very early, because I’ve been acting out as long as I can remember and I can see that my son developed similar feelings in the first three years of life. There’s a lot of socialization that has to happen between that and full blown NPD, but that’s the root of it.

It’s a funny kind of practice, because the more uncomfortable I feel and the more my mind tries to wander, the more I know it is working! There’s a small amount of bleed-through in daily life because I’m walking around with this uncomfortable feeling of guilt and shame all the time. I recognize this phenomenon from elements practice from WUTYL - the pattern is "fighting back for survival" - although I'm not sure where shame fits into buddhist terminology (other than as a sort of generalized ill will towards oneself). I see how it fuels my narcissistic behavior, because there’s a constant urge to deflect attention from the uncomfortable feeling (which of course leads me to create situations where I attract further shame). It also explains my fear of intimacy and hypersensitivity to perceived criticisms and slights.

Psychology aside, I really feel like this is the root of ill will for me and I just need to sit with it and let awareness work it’s magic. Erm wasn’t one of my recent realizations that awareness is a fabrication? Apparently it’s still a useful one! It’s interesting how periods of expansive opening seem to be followed by contraction. I’m listening to Guru Viking’s interview with Stephen Snyder where he likens the awakening process to playing an accordion, which just about sums it up. I’m also starting to wonder whether the fetter model doesn’t have some kind of cyclical or fractal element to it, where one makes repeated passes through each stage at deeper levels of unfettering …

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/9/21 4:55 AM as a reply to George S.
It's amazing how much resistance there is simply to experiencing this deep feeling of shame. My mind is spinning 100s of crazy scenarios just to avoid it (all of which would make it worse). It's still just dependent origination - a feeling and a reaction - but wow, how much more personal can it get. And then eventually when I settle down and can experience the feeling without the reaction it's like 'oh ok, it's just another feeling'. Damn the Buddha knew what he was talking about, that's the origination (and vanishing) of so much shit right there. I could have sworn I started to feel some dependently originated tears welling up in my eyes.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/9/21 5:43 AM as a reply to George S.
It sounds like "core trauma" territory, which is no cliche, it is a truly potent, even uniquely potent, ground. The power of it as it starts to show . . . I know Olivier touched on it last October, I think, and Shargrol was great with him then. Linda walked me through a few shattering experiences of it last summer. And yes, those DO tears flow, but there is an incredible sweetness to them once you understand what is happening. It is a godawful blessing. It allows the heart to truly begin to heal in a way that nothing else does.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/9/21 6:34 AM as a reply to George S.
I really like Mario Martinez' "Mind body code" material for healing core wounds. His theory is that we are either mostly wounded by shame, abanonment, or betrayal. 

The important thing is to go through a gradual maturing process.

First, root around and see if you can really find the core feeling, the core thought associations, the core events in life that created shame. This is tough work and needs to be done with "right effort". You want to come in contact with it but without having it throw you back into retraumatization. This really is what therapy is all about, recollecting these memories into adult consciousness and digesting them without becoming retraumatized.

Second, bring in some counter-evidence so that this "shamed identity" isn't felt so one-sidedly. For shame, the noble healing field is created by a sense of honor. People who live in shame need to spend time reminding themselves of all the honorable things they have done in their life. For example, we can realize all the times that we tried to stand up for ourselves, tried to move beyond being a victim, did the right thing for ourself or others. No one is perfect of course, but when we are trapped by core wounds we tend to forget our better self.

The third is transcending the dichotomy. After a lot of the material has been digested and healed, it's important to ask/explore "if I was neither totally ashamed nor perfectly honorable, what would I be?" Usually the answer is some kind of "naturally being me" kind of feeling. That's really the goal. Our entire life is often this battle between what's good and bad in our nature. If we can manage to heal the past an be able to see the past as the past --- then another stage of life is possible that is much more organically vague and flexible, not the old highs and lows of wallowing in shame or trying to cling to honor.

Hopefully that makes some sense.... just quickly trying to summarize what I've experienced myself.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/13/21 8:14 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks Tim and Shargrol for your support and suggestions. I needed a few days to sit with it and figure out what’s going on.

I’ve done maybe 3-4 years of therapy over the last 15 years and I feel like I know the storyline and cast of characters inside out by now. Talking about stuff was really helpful at first but the returns diminished over time. I also tried in therapy the approach of reminding myself about the more positive aspects of my life, but that just felt like sticking on a band-aid. Eventually I got to the point a couple of years ago with depression where I gave up on therapy and just sat with it because I didn’t know what else to do. That’s when I realized that my depression was a cognitive defense strategy to avoid feelings of anger.

I feel like a similar thing just happened with this feeling of shame. After a couple of days I realized that there was a much broader feeling of sadness underneath. Actually I’m not sure that what I’m calling shame is really a feeling at all, it seems more like a secondary condition caused by resisting and judging the underlying feeling of sadness. I know only too well where it originally came from – insecure attachment to an emotionally unavailable mother and fear of an angry hypercritical father. Over time it seems like I started to shield myself from the feelings of sadness, isolation and loneliness with a kind of cognitive strategy which went something like ‘I feel bad therefore I must be bad’. Identifying as bad led to bad behavior which caused more guilt and shame. The continual failure of this strategy caused frustration and anger. Eventually the whole vicious cycle became overwhelming and I started to shut it down with depression. I feel like I’ve traced the whole thing back to its source now.

The surprising thing about the feeling of sadness is that it’s not actually that unpleasant once I allow myself to feel it - in fact it’s a relief finally to be able to feel it after all this time. It’s actually quite a natural, sweet, tender and expansive feeling. I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised, doesn’t the Culavedalla Sutta say ‘resistance-obsession is to be abandoned with regard to painful feeling'. I guess I was ok with applying this to more transient feelings but didn’t realize it could equally well be applied to “core personality” feelings. Most of my meditation at the moment is sitting with this feeling and watching the ways I still try to avoid it, either through thinking about it or mind-wandering. Off the cushion as well I’m trying to stay aware of the feeling and watching how I try to avoid it by distracting myself with other stuff.  Again I’m reminded that the emotions which you don’t allow yourself to feel end up driving your life. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that avoidance of this sadness feeling has been the main driver behind my NPD.

Why did this come up now? Partly I think it’s because the recent insights opened up my psyche a bit more, weakened my defenses and allowed me to drop deeper down into my experience. I also think there’s an element of watching my son go through similar developmental stages (thankfully not as severe) which tends to trigger related stuff for me. I see how tempting it is when confronted with sadness in oneself or others to try to “fix it” for fear of it becoming overwhelming, which of course creates the shame which actually can become overwhelming.

In terms of elements, the feeling of sadness seems to match the fire element most closely – feeling isolated, separated and lonely. The schematic reaction to that is either consuming & clinging to comforts to assuage the feeling (check), or else increasing the intensity of a situation (e.g. provoking a conflict) to create a sort of fake intimacy which then leads to more loneliness (check). In terms of fetters I guess it’s broadly 5th fetter territory (sadness leading to ill will). Releasing the sadness is deepening my level of absorption, getting closer to jhana (which would presumably be a pre-requisite for the attachment of fetters 6-7).

Shargrol your point about transcending the dichotomy is something that is really starting to resonate with me, especially since reading up on how common “splitting” is in narcissists. It explains my tendency towards binary thinking, e.g. seeing people (myself or others) or situations as alternating between all good or all bad. I’m starting to relax that tendency now and it is another big relief, being able to hold contradictory statements in mind at the same time. In a sense binary thinking is a form of ignorance – allowing oneself to be squeezed out of the “excluded middle” by two-valued logic and ignoring other possibilities. I can see how a lot of my energy has been diverted to the aversive and attractive extremes of experience and ignoring the more neutral middle ground. The extremes actually occupy only a small amount of the field, but by overly focusing on them it makes the world feel much more aversive/attractive than it actually is.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
Answer
1/14/21 2:32 AM as a reply to George S.
I feel like a similar thing just happened with this feeling of shame. After a couple of days I realized that there was a much broader feeling of sadness underneath. Actually I’m not sure that what I’m calling shame is really a feeling at all, it seems more like a secondary condition caused by resisting and judging the underlying feeling of sadness. I know only too well where it originally came from – insecure attachment to an emotionally unavailable mother and fear of an angry hypercritical father. Over time it seems like I started to shield myself from the feelings of sadness, isolation and loneliness with a kind of cognitive strategy which went something like ‘I feel bad therefore I must be bad’. Identifying as bad led to bad behavior which caused more guilt and shame. The continual failure of this strategy caused frustration and anger. Eventually the whole vicious cycle became overwhelming and I started to shut it down with depression. I feel like I’ve traced the whole thing back to its source now.

Yes, amen, the sadness underneath. I have spent a lot of time in grief work, and the five basic Kubler-Ross stages--- denial, anger, negotiation, depression, acceptance--- some to have a fundamental application throughout deep work. Getting to the sadness, the hurt, the original wound of the grief, the pain that led inexorably to all the secondary reactions and formations, is the key to the healing. because it is the opening of the original psychic dilemma, before the instinctive (fragile-self protective) denial. The miracle of uncovering this sadness and this wound now is that acceptance is finally possible: the impossible, unimaginable living with the real loss, the real failure of love, the real wound to the developing self, the original vulnerability and the original violation--- and the mysterious grace of the reality of "acceptance." What makes that "acceptance" real, and not just another, more sophisticated reboot into another, more sophisticated denial, and another inevitable round of half-fixes grinding toward depression? The place you've got to, your capacity now to see the larger dynamics: to see that at your most vulnerable, you were damaged by the people who meant to care for you the most. Their best efforts at giving you what they thought you needed to thrive, to live in the world as they knew it--- you know better than anyone at this point how that inept state of the art love they gave you--- and it was all you were being given, then, when you needed nurturing--- was toxic and inadequate. They failed in what every parent wants most to do, to give their child a solid basis in being secure in love, the trust in reality needed for a good life. Letting yourself feel the sadness at that damage now, you say it is, surprisingly, actually "a natural, sweet, tender and expansive feeling." The tenderness is key: you can feel compassion for yourself, for grinding through all those years of inadequate coping, and feel the sweetness, the innocence, the natural grief for the love that failed, can recognize the grief for failed love at the root. And even maybe, given your lucidity and analysis of what your parents were dealing with on their own psychic plates, begin to feel compassion for them, as loving damaged fuck-ups doing their pathetic best, hamstrung by their own unresolved isses. Forgiveness becomes possible, a ripple of healing going out from your work at the heart of the damage. It is so fascinating, it seems to me as close to a vivid, palpable, real-time realization of what it might mean to really break the endless cycles of rebirth, the chains of karma clanking through the same compulsive circles through time: to get off the samsaric wheel. That natural, sweet, tender and expansive feeling needs nothing more, craves nothing more. That healing is where the gap in samsara shows most clearly: an ancient flame of endless pain snuffed for lack of the toxic air it burned on. A quiet hush, a wisp of smoke. 


RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/14/21 7:34 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Good stuff you guys!

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/14/21 9:59 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim. That was beautiful and inspirational, really.

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/14/21 10:16 AM as a reply to George S.
Great discussion here!

RE: Agnostic’s Log 6 (A New Beginning)
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1/23/21 11:57 AM as a reply to George S.
RIP Agnostic!

Time to stop pretending that I'm anything other than a middle-aged househusband and frustrated narcissist. emoticon 

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