SushiK Log #2

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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
My previous log https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21556649

I'm noting silently Mahasi style

I have been pretty consistent for the last few months.
1h in the morning and usually 30-60min in the evening, sometime some lunch meditation as well when the weather allows it and not too noisy outside.

I started my coaching with Abre over a month ago and coming from a very pleasant place, very calm, clear and pleasant.
She helped me to pay more attention to noting my mindset.

After a few week things peaked and I had an intense meditation experience: Momentum building up, a lot of pleasure, white light intensifiying until a culmination with 3 strong beeping of white light then full black and....psssschit not the apotheose I was expecting probably because too much expectation as the momentum was getting stronger.

Anyway it followed a few days of shittiness, body pain, feeling low.

Abre diagnostic: I was probably in low equanimity, went back to A&P and now dukkha nanas.
I tend to concure as the last 2 weeks have been pretty hellish (But more outside of meditation than during).

Last night I had a long dream in which I was fighting/killing nasty people who kidnapped and hurt a family friend.
And finally today the calm is back and very very clear mind and strong mindfulness during the sit.

2 questions:

- I might or might not be out of the dukkha nanas already. If I am I don't have much recall of the different stages, except for desire for deliverance which was strongly felt.
Is that common?

- I still don't have much desire to intellectually understand what's happening. Which lead to some insight popping up at random, me being in awe by it for half a day and not recalling what exactly the insight was a week after. Is that ingrained in my experience or should I actually note it somewhere so I can recall it?
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Hi Sushi! 

Stages in DN can pass by fast even during one sit. I never really stressed about that. Instead only "stressed" emoticon about continuous noting without much lapse in mindfulness. What is happening Right Now? I don't know. Let me check. 

No matter what stage or state there is but This unfolding in some shape or form, some feel. All we can do is note/notice this, one after the other arise-pass. 

This is the name of the game; just This. Note it and be satisfied with this simplicity. Mind wants some fancy intellectual insight but we remain humbly satisfied with whatever is being served. Be it desire for deliverance or an itch on top of my nose. 

It's great you got a coach! 

Best wishes to you and I hope others here will offer more replies. 
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
28/03/2021 - 30min evening sit:

Lot of pain in neck, shoulders, below the left ear, aching in the lower back, etc.
Noting but extremely unpleasant so cut it short.

29/03/2021 - 50min morning sit:

More murky and sticky than last Friday.
The mind was trying to create story around the meditation and giving identity/personality to sensations.
I was able to see it instantly but it was unpleasant.

Flash of despair morphing into anger/rage when thinking about my humanity/being.
Some calm, resting in sensations and relaxation in between.

Some body pain but less intense than yesterday.
Sam Gentile, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
SushiK
My previous log https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21556649

I'm noting silently Mahasi style

Excellent

I have been pretty consistent for the last few months.
1h in the morning and usually 30-60min in the evening, sometime some lunch meditation as well when the weather allows it and not too noisy outside.

I started my coaching with Abre over a month ago and coming from a very pleasant place, very calm, clear and pleasant.
She helped me to pay more attention to noting my mindset.

Excellent as she has done for me

After a few week things peaked and I had an intense meditation experience: Momentum building up, a lot of pleasure, white light intensifiying until a culmination with 3 strong beeping of white light then full black and....psssschit not the apotheose I was expecting probably because too much expectation as the momentum was getting stronger.

Anyway it followed a few days of shittiness, body pain, feeling low.

Abre diagnostic: I was probably in low equanimity, went back to A&P and now dukkha nanas.
I tend to concure as the last 2 weeks have been pretty hellish (But more outside of meditation than during).

I would believe what she says. She's an expert in diagnosingg state. I also went through my 2nd A=P, a real min whopper, but them diidn't go into dukka nanas, went into 3rd vipassana janna, and now in Low eq
Last night I had a long dream in which I was fighting/killing nasty people who kidnapped and hurt a family friend.
And finally today the calm is back and very very clear mind and strong mindfulness during the sit.

2 questions:

- I might or might not be out of the dukkha nanas already. If I am I don't have much recall of the different stages, except for desire for deliverance which was strongly felt.
Is that common?

- I still don't have much desire to intellectually understand what's happening. Which lead to some insight popping up at random, me being in awe by it for half a day and not recalling what exactly the insight was a week after. Is that ingrained in my experience or should I actually note it somewhere so I can recall it?
Have you asked Abre these questions? Dukka nanas can be very short or long. Only she can tell from your practice.
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hello Sam,

Yes, apparently having a fall back to A&P can speed up the momentum and you bounce fast.
Last Friday very calm session was probably bouncing up to equanimity...before falling back to reobservation now.

Concerning the lack of enthusiasm for the intellectual understanding (Which wasn't the case before), she thinks it's part of the transformation.
Not unheard of to start wanting/grasping for knowledge at first before before withdrawing from it for a while.
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
30/03/2021 - 40min morning sit:

Lot of inconfort during the first 20min: Spasm, lower back aching, dizziness, irascible, wanting it to stop.
Sensations are still sticky
It withdraw at some point and I had a few minutes of low equanimity, where "unconfortable" sensations weren't seen as totally unpleasant.
Brought a bit of confidence and understanding that whatever happen if I keep noting/noticing what's happening then the job is kind of being done.

More mind wandering than usual but mostly noticed (planning, meditation thought, expectation).

Out of meditation, I noticed "I" isn't satisfied with the current moment most of the time.
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
31/03/2021 - 45min morning sit:

Foggy, still struggling to accept...struggling: Noting rythm isn't smooth, thinking isn't seen immediately and difficulty to identify mindset.
But acceptance is arrising more and more.

Read some J.Krishnamurti yesterday, which reminded me that there was nothing more than the present moment.
It's here each time, it doesn't care for acceptance or not.
​​​​​​​Those are just feeling, one is pleasant the other is unpleasant.

I noticed some ill-will inside and outside of meditation linked to some recent logs I read.
It all seems so detailed, clear, organized, sharp.
There is envy toward that and some self-judgement of not being good enough.

Edit: It's interesting that I'm attracted to Krishnamurti's writting considering that he is very intellectual while I'm currently not interested in intellectualizing my own path. Maybe lazzyness on my part and subcontracting the understanding to someone else.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
How would you practice if there is no internet and no books to read? 

How would you practice if there is no one else ever practicing and you were the only one? 

Would you even practice if there was no one there to compare yourself to? 

If you were lost on a lonely island would you give up the practice because there are no books and no internet logs there, no people there to compare yourself to? 

If Krishnanurti is right and it's only about This present moment as it is why not just stop practicing and be ok with This as Is? emoticon Do it! emoticon and when you do it listen ... inwardly ... is there anything in there constantly fidgeting and reaching for the "grass greener on the other side"?

You decide if it's of benefit to carry on practicing or if you are done (per Krishnamurti's dignostics) emoticon 

I hope not to have come across as arrogant emoticon I hope to provoke you questioning all this and "look/listen" emoticon 

Best wishes to you Sushi and worry not about other people's karma (logs). 
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
31/01/2021 - 25min evening sit

Fog, pain, inconfort


01/04/2021 - 40min morning sit

Wake up tired and with aching body thanks to yesterday evening workout.

I read a bit of MCTB and how during the dark night it's counterproductive to try centering on particular sensations, instead better to let the attention look at the periphery

I try to let that happen and...very, very smooth meditation.
The noting rythm was still a bit clunky and a few pain at time but it wasn't leading to much dissatisfaction/unpleasantness
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
02/04/2021 - 45min morning sit

Started with ligh but very fast vibration mostly in hands, back, forearm and legs.
Ease and peace which I tried to look at and get familiar with.

Noticed my center being located at my throat (Where I can usually feel a solid lump).
I played a bit with it, moving it around.
To my head first, then to my stomach which was appeasing.

I tried moving it outside my body but then got interested into space and what it feels like.
​​​​​​​This was a bit difficult to apprehend so I might investigate a bit more next time.

Overall in a much better place than a few days ago.

Could be equanimity, could be rolling back again before A&P.
I would be fine with both because if it was dark night before I don't feel I learnt much from it so wouldn't mind too much if I had another try at it.
It could be because I already have a pretty strong understanding that my suffering is mostly caused by trying to hold up a self together or because I never had big difficulties/trauma in this life.
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Last 4 days I have been alternating between tranquility/very clear mindfullness and body pain (mostly left shoulder/back/neck) with foggy mind.

Yesterday/today brought a few insights:

- While meditating I suddenly felt the need to do some metta...and discovered that I actually created a lot of grudge for some people. Got the understanding that I was applying a whole lot of concept onto human beings which was leading to this grudge/suffering. The whole process was emotionnaly upseting/painful, my breath started to be very out of the usual rythmes => I experienced/understood the power of concept and seeing everything as it is  now without adding anything extra on top.

- I can't put it into word very well but it's becoming clearer that "I" isn't really the thing I thought it was. I spent a few hours this morning with the 6 sense objects being very clear and kind of replacing the "I" I'm used to.
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Doubt is creeping in again.
Not sure about what to do.

A part of me is saying that as long as I note what's happening to the best of my ability it's fine.
Another part is unsure because not much is happening.

Within a meditation I often adjust a bit sometime noting fast > just noticing > then trying to stay longer with a particular sensation (pain in the neck/shoulder, lump in the throat, pressure at 3rd eye) > asking question.
It's not really planed, just come this way.
Not sure if I should let it play like that or keep a more straight forward noting. 

I have pleasant sensation (vibration, chill, release of tension, expansion, acceptance, tranquility), unpleasant sensation (Tightening, stiffness, pressure, contraction, hopelessness, confusion, doubt, self judgement) and I can see & stay with both, but that's the most I can say.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
By noting a matter of fact phenomenon we objectify it hence disembed from it momentarily. However phenomena arise-pass VERY fast and as soon we let go of noting actively moment to moment the mind tends to slip into a "story" which seems to go on in time. Doubt. Goes on in time ... 

So what can we do? 
Ingram is saying note 1-10 sensation per second. Shinzen is saying do not break that stream
of noting for the duration of the entire sit. Kenneth Folk said name that dragon and the dragon looses 50% of its power. 

Acceptance of that which is unpleasant, and keep noting it, keep naming that scary dragon. Let it hear its name and loose power. 

Time comes when we can't hide from the utterly unpleasant and the only way forward is Utter Acceptance of matter of fact arising-passing phenomena. 1-10 sensations a second. Speed will vary from stage to stage, state to state. Get to know your mind terrain. Claim
it. If it's going up hills the note aloud and only 1-2 sensations a second. If it's going down hills then speed up that noting and let it note itself emoticon 
Mind terrain changes. If there is desire to note faster, then slow down and use "there iiis ... desire to note fast, there iiiis ... (feel into it) ... wanting to attain, there iiis (look for it) ... etc ... 

If it's hard and there is strong resistance as in Doubt, then try out aloud noting. Very loud voice, even if you need to cry, then note aloud while crying and being utterly miserable. Do not give up for the duration of the entire sit. This will feel like purification later. emoticon a good thing emoticon 

Please excuse me rumbling here emoticon if you can find something useful then great and if not just ignore it all. 
Best wishes to you Sushi. 
​​​​​​​
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Papa Che Dusko


So what can we do? 
Ingram is saying note 1-10 sensation per second. Shinzen is saying do not break that stream
of noting for the duration of the entire sit. Kenneth Folk said name that dragon and the dragon looses 50% of its power. 

​​​​​​​
I always find something worthwile in your comment Papa ;-)

In this case it was this, when in doubt keep it simple stupid
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Didn't post for the last few days because I'm just whiny...But maybe writting it might help me reflect and bring some advises.

Warning: Whining ahead

Out of meditation, a lot of unsatisfaction with life in general, where I am and my job.
I try to reflect on how lucky I am (Got a safe job, finance are great, relatiohships are good, I'm young, healthy, I'm living in place where covid has been eradicated, etc) but, well, the dissatisfaction is still here.

During meditation it seems I'm back to 0.
No doubt about the path but doubt about my capacities, a lot of self judgement and feeling not able, "Others can do it, I can't, I'm less talented".
When trying to concentrate on the breath for the first 10-20min, it's just struggle with my throat/nose: feeling the need to scrape, cough, swallow or sniff.

Fast noting brings this maelstrom to the point I feel nauseous, like on one of this NASA machine they use to accustom cosmonaut to Gforce.

Or just hundred of random image popping into my head, no context. I note a few once in a while but it's sometime a constant flow.
​​​​​​​
Otherwise my mind goes into creating fantasy stories somewhat related to the meditation, and I'm aware of it.
Meaning that my mind is creating this shitshow while actually noticing it being done live and not liking it. And this thing is sticky, it keeps on going even while it's being noticed.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Nice one! Keep noting not only the sense doors but also the feeling tones like Pleasant, Neutral and Unpleasant. Try and connect the noted sense door object and it's feeling tone like;

Thinkhng-unpleasant, shit storm-very unpleasant, imagining-unpleasant, misery-unpleasant, etc ... 

As for job and off cushion; do not mix it with all this on cushion practice. Be kind to self and others. Do not quit jobs or relationships when in Dukkha Nanas! emoticon 

You can do this. You ARE doing this. emoticon Relaxe the body often and no need to go too fast. Steady 1 note per second : sense door + feeling tone. 
Sam Gentile, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
What Papa Che said. Yes to noting feeling tones. And yes, do  NOT make any decisions while in the Dukka Nanas!
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SushiK, modified 5 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi Papa, Hi Sam,

I got a bit stuck and got caught in identifying with the dissatisfaction sensation the last few days but no worry, I'm well aware that (in my case) it's just a sensation and doesn't need to be act upon.

I usually do the feeling tone as well but not for the whole lenght of the meditation.

This morning 45 min went smoother.
Did the sensation + feeling tone for 30min before dropping the feeling tone.
A calmer session, 1-2 sensations per sec.
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SushiK, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Yesterday evening I twitched a bit my practice.
Instead of only 3 rounds of counting the breath to 10, I spent the first 20min on concentration.

Soon the sensation of breathing as the nostril became very clear, really like an object.
Some light came in (Access concentration?), then quite a lot of spasm, followed by strong energy in the hands/forearms.
It was kind of pleasurable but a bit too intense, anyway I took it as sukha and went to focus on it.

Then probably 1st Jhana as the experience became very different from ordinary experience.
Strong wave of energy in the limbs, forehead and starting to see black flames behind my eyelids followed by vision of demons in those flames.
They really looked like those tibetan paintings of demons with open mouth showing teeth and tongues, kind of weird because except a few time at the museum I never saw those stuff and I'm completely illiterate about Tibetan cosmology/buddhism caracteristics.

Anyway that was pretty intense and the excitement probably lowered my concentration a bit so I switched to insight....Which restarted the machine.
Soon enough the arising and passing of each sensation became quite noticable.
Same usual feeling of energetic momentum building up until the physical space between each sensation became vast (An itch on my eyebrow felt very far from the sensation of my eyes flickering, etc).
​​​​​​​I felt very light almost ethereal, spacious, lot of emptiness between the sensation.

Lasted for a while but the excitement of the experience + a slight feeling of solidity somewhere anchoring me to the ground bring it to an halt.

The whole experience felt oddly purifying.

This morning I did again 20min of concentration before insight and, if not as impressive as yesterday, it felt more efficient than usual.
I will probably keep this mechanic for my future sits.
Martin, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 296 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
Nice!

"strong energy in the hands/forearms.
It was kind of pleasurable but a bit too intense"

has the sound of piti, which is a kind of stimulating energy. Focusing on piti tends to make it stronger. Sometimes you can get a kind of feedback loop going, with piti as the object: more concentration -> more piti -> easier to stay on the object -> more concentration -> more piti -> easier to stay on the object ->...
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SushiK, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi Martin,<br /><br />Yes I have an understanding of how the Jhana's work (Currently reading Brasington) but never try to practice it until yesterday.<br />In the experience it was a bit too intense, explosif and kind of surprising with the vision for me to keep focusing on it for long.<br /><br />I know what to expect now.
George S, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
When the piti gets "too strong" I find the opposite helps! - focus on the breath and ignore the piti as much as possible. I find that it actually tends to get stronger (more energy/stress released) but it works its way out of the system better and doesn't get "stuck" as much.
Martin, modified 4 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 296 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
My first experience with piti was way, way, way too intense, so I can really related to what you are saying. Oddly, I also saw a graphic. In my case, dancing Hindu gods. That didn't repeat. As you say, being prepared for what it is like is useful. It can change quite a bit from sit-to-sit, and over time, so it's also helpful to stay flexible and curious. Shortly after I started jhana practice, I spoke with a teacher who suggested that I treat it like exploring a new territory. Poke around, find out what things can be found where. And have fun.&nbsp;
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SushiK, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
I'm not good at explaining phenomenology at all but based on Abre and my own feeling, I would say I'm back somewhere in equanimity.

Today 50min sit. No wish to move for most of it.
Spaciousness between sensations, no strong attachment/aversion to anything coming or going.
For a minute or 2 a kind of out of body experience: I could see and feel the tension around my eyebrow and between my eyes (One of the place where I feel the location of a me) but "I" wasn't there, "I" was slightly outisde of it.
Starting to note and look into more diffuse sensations like space, peace, contentment, time.

On my way to work riding my scooter, any "pain" physical or mental were seen and flowing away almost instantly, so fast that it seems evident I couldn't attach it to an I.

A long way to go but it's an interesting place to explore.
George S, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Nice. Might be interesting to explore the actual thoughts -> feelings -> sensations making up that sense of having "a long way to go" ... emoticon
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SushiK, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
A great pointer George, thanks a lot :-)

I considered it for a few minutes during my lunch break: Aversion/attachment is low but still present even if sometimes very subtle + view of myself as not able to do really great thing.

I came up with the question "What's in the way of being OK with the present moment?".
Repeated it a few time and saw some subtle aversions.
And on, and on for a few minutes.
It left me in a more peacefull/equanimous/clear mind. 

I will use this prompt more often in the future.
George S, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
SushiK
view of myself as not able to do really great thing.

The ego tends to create an idea of what it wants awakening to be in order to defend itself against what awakening actually is!

I came up with the question "What's in the way of being OK with the present moment?"

That's a great line of enquiry ... the kind which could actually bring about awakening emoticon​​​​​​​
Sam Gentile, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
SushiK
A great pointer George, thanks a lot :-)

I considered it for a few minutes during my lunch break: Aversion/attachment is low but still present even if sometimes very subtle + view of myself as not able to do really great thing.

I came up with the question "What's in the way of being OK with the present moment?".
Repeated it a few time and saw some subtle aversions.
And on, and on for a few minutes.
It left me in a more peacefull/equanimous/clear mind. 

I will use this prompt more often in the future.

Hey man! Where have you been? I see you are still with Abre. So she thinks you are in Equanimity? That's real good. Do you feel like things starting to calm down, becoming more balanced? You may be able to start a run at SE. Your inquiry is a good one.
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SushiK, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi Sam

Peak season at work so a bit ectic some days but otherwise I have been very well.
I'm still lurking daily on the forum but didn't feel the need to comment or post much.

Abre thinks it's equanimity yes. Things are indeed calming down, more balanced..
A few days ago I instinctly tried to relax more and more into sensations and going with noticing instead of noting to avoid conceptualization.
She seems to encourgage that and suggested me a road map of looking the body sensation as a cloud (Which was what I was already tending to), then the sounds as one single soundwave, then being the experience/emotion of the experience itself and finally the awareness aware of itself.

It's good to have a light roadmap like this. I will experience with it and let you know guys.
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SushiK, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
1h meditation this morning,  a lot happened.

Since last friday I have been experimenting with Metta and Tranquil Wisdom Insight Meditation (Got the idea from Logan's log).
It has been interesting to use mixed with my noting.
So since Friday I usually spend 10min on Metta for myself and then 10min on Metta to a spiritual friend, then noting.
The Metta have a very strong effect on me to help calming the mind and concentrate before going to noting.
And I usually get pitti which is a nice plus.

Last night I had some intense dream with some related to meditation.
Anyway, today I was probably cutting edge, and within less than 10min I was in 1st Jhana with strong pitti in the middle of the chest and radiating throughout the body.
I already reached 1st Jhana once with the breath but that was too intense.
This time it was sustainable so I played with it, modulating its intensity.
If I looked at the Metta the pitti would increased and if I looked at the pitti it would increase at well.
Anyway, I kept playing a bit and changing the Metta target from the spiritual friend to a member of my family.

I'm not yet very clear about the step by step process of Twim meditation and wasn't expecting to reach 1st Jhana so fast so I kept experimenting.
Ended up more or less with the Metta in my head (But still with the ball of pitti in my chest) and started radiating metta to all beings.

The intensity of the pitti went down a notch and sukkha came forward. I assume I was in 2nd Jhana then.

Seems got a bit foggy from here, don't really remember what lead to what but suddenly calm abbiding peace bla bla bla equanimity place. I assume it was 4th and I might have missed the transition to 3rd.

From there, not really knowing what to do with TWIM I switched back to usual Mahasi but in this case it was more noticing because everything was there. Complete auto-pilot, nothing to do, everything is coming and going on plain sight.

Suddenly got the intuition to ask for a cessation and the thought "drop it already" came.
Drop it all I did, and bim bam boum the eyes start to flicker real fast,  visual field start to "collapse" and my head starts to verrrrry slowly drop: millimeter by millimeter.
At the same time my breath almost stopped while my hearthbeat accelerates and a sensation of intense fear rise up.
I remember thinking "Oh it thinks it's dying".
The 2 sensations were completely separate from each other, so in hindsight it was very comical: Fear doing it's fear thing and the thought completely unnafected and not so compasionnate "Oh well here we go, it thinks it's dying" xD.

The head finished collapsing completely, eyes still flickering....but no complete computer reboot.
I guess the fear held it back :-)

I was a bit edgy after that (From the excitement of having an experience probably).
Also the pitti ball is still in my chest, and a few sec of metta or breathing or just looking at it wake it up.

Profound experience nevertheless which is erasing most of the doubt I had about myself.
That's a win for me.

Comments and advise welcome.
Thanks for reading and have a nice day,
Logan G., modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 166 Join Date: 5/22/21 Recent Posts
Sounds like a great sit!
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Are you still seeing Abre? I'm sure she will have better idea than us what that might have been. 

However since you seem showing excitement about it I would suggest watching it likely arise in your nexts sits. You know this was "something special" hence will be "anticipating". Note that wishful anticipation as it arises and all its bodily sensations too. 

I'm saying this only because such wishful anticipation is Mara's carrot on the stick dangling it infront of you, a hindrance if you will. 

Best wishes Sushi! 
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SushiK, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Still seeing Abre but every 3-4 weeks.
Just sent her an email while it's fresh as I'm usually a poor log keeper.

Adding that the pitti ball in the chest has been here all morning (it's 2pm my time now) and was on the verge of overwelming during  lunch break: Like being on the edge of an orgasm for hours and no climax.
Thanksfully it reduced now, but still is accessible with a few seconds looking at the breath or metta.
Now it's mostly feeling of ease and contentment.

Yes, I will be on the lookout for excitement/anticipation in the next sits.
Sam Gentile, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
SushiK
Still seeing Abre but every 3-4 weeks.
Just sent her an email while it's fresh as I'm usually a poor log keeper.

I'm glad you're still seeing Abre. That's quite an experience you describe. What does she make of it?


Yes, I will be on the lookout for excitement/anticipation in the next sits.
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SushiK, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Abre feedback would be to keep monitoring experience and reflections over the next few days to see how it unfold.
Apparently metta and opening of the hearth can have some strong reaction when not experienced before.

Anyway, the day following the event had an after taste of A&P: A bit manic, a bit more extrovert, feeling happy and confident.
The pitti ball disappeared and I didn't seem to be able to connect to it as easily as last friday.

Yesterday brougt back a lot of body pain and unpleasant heat sensation but the mind wasn't particularly affected and not much reactivity to it.

This morning meditation was alternating between strong mindfulness, peace/calm at first but it ended up in murk, stickiness and the mind making up absurd stories.

Now outside of the meditation, it's objectively pretty unconfortable. Feeling kind of sick (throat and stomach), body slightly shaking, vibrations, body pain and low mood (Desire for deliverance kind of mood).
But similar to yesterday, it's here but there is not much reactivity to it.

Could have been a falling back to A&P like last time and climbing right up, let see.
I don't have much concern or expectation about it right now.
Sam Gentile, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
Abre feedback would be to keep monitoring experience and reflections over the next few days to see how it unfold.
Apparently metta and opening of the hearth can have some strong reaction when not experienced before.
>>
Abre frequently says this and its very wise. I don't know about her but the day after doesn't sound like any day after A+Ps I have had. My A+Ps lasted for like 15 days, in a state of bliss, with a strong conviction and faith, wanting to proclaim the dharma....
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SushiK, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
On the Energy/pitti:

The pittiball at the chest is activated everymorning after a few sec of meditation and is then accessible all day long.
Sometimes during the meditation it will move a bit and activate other zone (head, belly, lower back, spine) but it's still felt very strongly in the middle of the chest.
During physical activities or workout it will move also in my legs, hips which is extremely pleasant as I used to have some pain in this area. When it happens I feel the need to stretch a bit and this amplify the pleasantness even more.

Abre hypothetised it was kundalini awakening and suggested I tried to move it at the head.

I'm working on that but any advise/book recommendation is welcome as I'm pretty clueless about energy work.

So far it seems I'm not messing up with it as it has only be extremely pleasant, just letting it be and following my intuitions about it.

On Meditation:

Today 50min.
Following TWIM, started by sending metta to myself, then to a spiritual friend before trying to radiate it from my head in different direction.
Not a big fan of radiating in different direction, doesn't work well for me, I would prefer to directly radiate it everywhere.

A bit of doubt came as for this stage the metta should be in the head, which it is for me but I can't escape the big ball in the chest as well.

Anyway, I kept doing that for a while and got some samadhi experiences, then when the mind got really calm I switched to noting.
It was kind of autopilot and after a while of that I just stopped and bathed in the "do nothing" meditation.

On the way to work I felt the sensation of "I" more reduced than usual. I'm driving a scooter to work and I like to meditate a few seconds at each red light. There was this truck next to me and for a few 2nd "I" was the sound of the motor. Also got an experience I had previously of looking at things as a whole without putting a strong concept on it instead of my usual way of deconstructing things and putting a concept on each of it.

Ex: I was looking at building and the concept of building was very vaguely attached to it, it was more like I was looking at a landscape. While usually I'm very aware of a building behing wall/windows/doors/etc.

Everything is okay today, pleasantness in the body, calm mind, it's great....But I'm very aware of impermanence as yesterday I was much more reactive  ;-)
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
I find that an attitude of relaxed open awareness and acceptance works best with kundalini, and gentle investigation (getting interested in the actual sensations and just watching how they unfold). I tried intentionally moving it around when it first started (actually I first generated piti intentionally using Leigh Brasington's instructions), which seemed pretty harmless when it was pleasant. But over time as I got into deeper emotional stuff then it became much more intense and even painful at times, so I was eventually forced into an attitude of acceptance/surrender lol. It's easy to get excited about it and try intentional stuff which seems like a good idea, but is really a form of manipulating or resisting one's experience. But that's just my experience, different people have different opinions and experiences with this topic.
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SushiK, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Feeling on theedge of something

I took a break for a week of holidays and now back at it since last friday.

The energy is still here but not as centered on the chest as before, the highest intensity is still there but it feels more spread out.
It's still extremely pleasant most of the time. Yesterday working out was just bliss at every stretch.

Having difficulties to sleep the last few days because even if the body feels amazing the mind keeps on bringing random thoughts and images.
I also had some long dreams usually emotionaly charged.

Metta meditation are very energetic, a lot of pitti and usually end up into some blank state leading to some other states.
I don't know how to articulate it well, just bliss, white light, quiet but thoughts are still there even if few.
There is variation between the states but it's subtil, I might need to spend more time there to describe.

But just now I have the intuition that there is too much of following a process (TWIM/noting) and too much doing during my meditation.
I feel I need is a big chunk of time meditating on just letting it plays itself and letting everything come and go.

PS: I need to add that j I have been training Reiki Lvl1 around last December (Just wanted to check out what it was and if it was a scam or not).
I still find a lot of aspect very suspicious (Sending reiki into your phone so it spreads to all your contact.... *sigh* really? emoticon) but found something in it regardless and just passed lvl2 last weekend.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
I did one reiki session when I thought I needed help with kundalini. It helped open up one knot a little. The healer picked up on it in our initial chat and then brought it up again while she was working on me. Due to the physical proximity and my receptive state, I felt something shift. I was surprised how expensive it was given it’s not covered by insurance. I found focussing to be a very effective technique for opening up specific knots. Maybe it’s a bit like reiki, although you can do it to yourself and it’s free emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2112 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Reiki meditation was my very first meditation ever emoticon  (back in 2008) I could say, thanks to that meditation did I continue having interest in seeking for new meditation techniques. 

I also got to Level 2 Reiki. I did lots of Self-Reiki (hands on) and sending Reiki (drawing symbols in the air) for the benefit of all beings. 

The main reason me leaving Reiki was the fact that no matter how much Reiki is being received there stil was suffering. I realized it's same like filling up a bucket with water but the bucket has a hole at the bottom. 
I needed a technique to fix That hole so the bucket doesn't leak. At least that's what I believed I had to do and next practice was Aikido Ki-breathing. Then later Buddhist Shamatha. 

​​​​​​​
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SushiK, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Meditating 45-60min a day.
Trying to arrange my agenda so I can add another session at noon or in the evening but no luck yet.

30min of sending metta/compassion/joy/equanimity in different directions before sending it in all direction (following TWIM).

The distinction betweent the 4 isn't that clear to me.
Today I think I was in joy at first and then a subtle change toward equanimity.

Still waves, pulses and explosions of pleasure mostly on the "chakra" spots (hearth, top of the head, 3rd eye, spine, etc), today ended up with sparkle of pleasure in the throat.

After the 30min, I keep pulsing it in all direction from the top of the head and then fall back to do nothing/just notice.

 Usually 2 kind of "hindrances" until that point:

- A lot of random images popping up in my head. This is something I have been "struggling" with during meditation but also doing daily life or when I try to sleep. The speed rate vary, can go from 1 image per second to a few/sec

- Or my mind will start creating stories about what's happening, kind of day dreaming but the fiction created is related to the meditation. And I give persona to thoughts/emotions/feelings/etc, it's done unconsciously. It feels absurd when I get out of it, but maybe it's a weird way of seeing Anatta.

While the 2 "hindrances" happen I'm still mostly aware of what's happening out of that. Abre was diagnosticing this as being 3rd jhana but other opinions are welcome.

After a while this stop and it feels like not much "software" are still on. I can still hear, I can still feel, I can still think but it's mostly in the background.
I "try" to go deeper by "dropping" everything and it does feel that more software are being turned off.
Things become black,not the color black but the empty black.
By then I become suddenly very aware of my breath and fear comes up.

It feels like my ego finding nothing else to hold on grab my breath as being itself and the primal fear of dying rises up.
Any suggestion on how to navigate that? I'm thinking looking at the 3c in the breath
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
It's basically dependent origination. The "random" stuff is sankhara (conditioned phenomenona, which only seem random because we don't see the conditions clearly enough). The mind (nama) then weaves a dream-story (samsara) out of these sankhara using its powers of perception (sanna) to create objects, relationships, meaning, narrative etc. The whole thing is driving by feelngs (vedana) and craving (tanha), i.e. resistance to unpleasant feelings and attraction to pleasant feelings. We first notice it in meditation, then we realize that our entire life, worldview & sense of self is driven by the same dynamics. The less you repress emotions, the more they flow through freely and the less fuel there is to drive this whole samsara dream.

​​​​​​​The fear of dying is a pure psychological projection/defense mechanism. Going into/through the blackness, the body doesn't die and the mind still functions. All that happens is that a dream which was taken to be real is seen to be a dream. The dream continues, but now you know it is a dream and you are less inclined to try to avoid certain parts of it and cling to others.
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SushiK, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Thanks for the feedback George. I'm not yet understanding the full length of dependent origination but I'm not sure anyone truly does.
I wonder what kind of Sankhara is bringing a cartoonish snake followed by a tree followed by a face followed by ad infinitum ;-)

Any suggestion on how to quiet the psychological projection/defense mechanism?
​​​​​​​Cognitevly I really don't feel like I fear death but the body seems to think otherwise.
George S, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Any attempt to push the fear away just gives it more power. The only reasonable thing to do is sit with it and get comfortable seeing it for what it is - thoughts, feelings, sensations. It may take some time but it's just fear, that's all it is. At some point an opportunity to simply surrender to the fear can arise, a kind of "death before death", and this can be extremely powerful for awakening if one is inclined that way.

EDIT: oh and also cemetery contemplations can help with the fear of the unknown, getting familiar with what actually happens during the process of dying.

EDIT EDIT: and also jhana practice, feeling the bliss and peace that comes with letting go of the body (once the fear passes), kind of like NDE emoticon
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SushiK, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Yesterday was extremely unpleasant.
Reactivity, unhappiness about my job, where and the way I live have been building up the last few days until, yesterday, it peaked to the point I felt I was going to lose my sanity obsessing about it.
I took the afternoon off and very (un)skillfully took the edge of/dulling the mind with alcohol/videogames/etc.
Physical pains started to appear: headache, neck, shoulder.

Finally around 6pm I put myself to meditate.
A lot of energy felt stuck around the 3rd eye which was unconfortable.
I don't really remember what I did but after a few minutes got a clear insight that if I wasn't feeling happy now, outside changes won't make me happy.
Instantly the whole unsatisfaction added for the past few days and which was litteraly crippling me disappeared.

The whole situation felt like the climax of re-observation and going into low equanimity maybe.
If that so I will try to nourish the equanimity because it has been a few cycles already of A&P>DN>EQ>AP>etc and I have a sense that I have been inducing the A&P by trying to much to do/feel something.
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Niels Lyngsø, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 338 Join Date: 11/15/19 Recent Posts
Hey Sushi,

We haven't interactet much lately, but I follow your log with interest emoticon

If you are indeed transitioning from DN into Low EQ (and it sounds like it to me, but I'm a newbie, pre SE, so take everything I say with the appropriate amount of salt), the key thing is acceptance. Radical acceptance. No matter what happens in practice, accept it as part of the path. We all know the concept "Zero tolerance". Try practicing "Total tolerance": Let everything be tolerated. Nothing is wrong, everything is welcome, everything is allowed to be there. Pain, monkey mind, boredom: tolerate! Random images repeating them selves endlessly: tolerate! Practice thoughts: tolerate. Aversion to practice thoughts: tolerate that aversion. For a time I did a very simple noting practice, just saying "yes" to every phenomenon that arose. That worked well for me.

Keep at it! EQ is an awesome place to explore! Best wishes emoticon
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SushiK, modified 27 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
30min radiating metta/compassion/joy/equanimity from the top of the head.
Honestly not really sure what I'm doing.
I start with metta for a few sec in order to activate the pitti in the chest then moving to the head and project it front/back/right/left/down/top for 5min each before radiating in all direction.

It's extremely pleasant but I have a hard time really finding the difference between the 4.
I have a light intuition telling me when there is a shift from one to the other but might just be mind play.
Also, following TWIM, it seems to be more chill than what I'm experiencing which can be intense: Very pleasant, my hands twitching, my body becoming more erect, my head falling backward, etc.

After a while doubt started to creep around me so I stopped the twim and start investigating it.
Looking at it from a distance but still letting it be experienced as it is with acceptance following your advise Niels.

Thoughts about logs of other and how they seem to be nailing it, leading to self doubt and the view of myself not able to do anything slightly valuable with success, that "this is for elite/type A people and I'm just average. I can't do anything really meaningful".
Led to some thougts about early childhood and I was trying to investigate where does this view come from - To be continued.

I was looking at it from a distance...with equanimity somehow so it didn't really bother me.

For the last 5 min I tried the jhanas and it seemed to take a few sec to get to access concentration then 1st as the pitti is kind of already here all the time.
I went into weird places but not sure what it was and didn't have much time.
Don't really know how to switch to 2nd on purpose, I will  dig again into Brasington.
One jhana only session to be done this weekend.
George S, modified 27 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Maybe awakening is being as average as possible ...
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SushiK, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
The structure of my meditation have been flexible for the last few days.
I follow my intuition and what seems right in the moment.

It's mainly composed of some concentration with metta (pleasant energy/jhana), some open awareness/do nothing (calm and insight leading into anatta mostly ), a few inquiry and some dropping (anatta + Dukkha).

Related to the dropping I approach it in 2 ways:

a: Trying to find anything slightly contracted and dropping the feeling of attachment to it (Slow).
b: Asking inwardly for a cessation and having the intention to let go of it all this instant (Fast - a few secondes). 

a usually leads to b or sometimes I go straight to b. The result is usually as I described previously, the feeling that some software are being turned off, the head dropping, vision becoming pitch black but the breath becoming very noticable as kind of the only thing left (I'm still hearing and there is still some cognitive understanding so it's probably not the only thing left).

The equanimity is being felt out of the meditation and I noticed the contraction/expansion of the mind during the day + It feels the visual field is larger than usual.
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SushiK, modified 16 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
A lot seems to happen but I don't have the phenological ability to write you exactly what,  just that meditation seems very profund recently.
But this feeling comes in retrospect when I get out of it, while I'm there it feels very pleasant but normal.

The attention is fluxing sometimes taking it all, sometimes going to some element and going more and more to some abstract sensations like memory, intention, motivation, past, future, this moment, space, etc.

This mostly happens on autopilot and whenever something feels like "I'm doing" or if excitation/anticipation comes there is almost always the question "who is it that is doing? Who is it that is anticipating?" arising seemingly automatically.

All this is very pleasant.

.
George S, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Good stuff!
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SushiK, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Yesterday night the weather was stormy and I ended up with a lot of energy in the head and a big headache

Today felt more contracted.

A lot more "doing" during the meditation.
Trying to de-contract/expand, looking for sensations that felt like me and dissolving it, looking for ill-will, etc.

The peak was trying to be as close to this moment as possible but finding that there is this watcher/experiencer which is coating all sensations and, no matter how thin this coating is, it's still blocking the full experience of this moment. <= I'm not adding thoughts on this, just typing how it felts, I don't have any strong opinion or ideal that I'm consciously aware of on this moment, reality, etc. 

I got the " software shutingdown" a few time and ended with my attention on the throat and the breath. No fear this time but couldn't go pass easily it so I looked/vipassanize it.

Finally dropped the doing (Again, "who is it that's dropping effort?") and it became dreamy.

After the meditation some DN after taste with desire for deliverance when thinking about the osberver coating the sensations ("It's right there behind the coating, I just want it to drop and be with it") and disgust with a few thoughts around human atrocities.
Those thoughts/emotions were a secondes/minute long and quickly passed.
George S, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
SushiK
The peak was trying to be as close to this moment as possible but finding that there is this watcher/experiencer which is coating all sensations and, no matter how thin this coating is, it's still blocking the full experience of this moment.

What if the watcher just is the full experience of this moment?
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SushiK, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi George.

First of all thanks for keeping track of my log and commenting, always pleasant to be read and receive advises :-)

Yes, cognitively I understand there is no watcher but the perceived experience isn't matching that for the moment.
Hopefully I will experience it before consuming all the pointers available ahaha.

I re-read the MCTB part on Equanimity recently and it felt a bit like the kazooplayer even Daniel is using this analogy on noting.

In my case for a moment during this morning meditation it felt that whenever something appeared, the watcher rushed to it like a little kid and stretch over it saying "Look! Look here it is, it's mine" which felt...gross.
I get it that no matter how fast it goes the appearance was probably already here before the watcher found it but for this morning meditation that's how it felt like.
George S, modified 14 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
I know what you're saying. There's nothing wrong with your perceived experience. (Actually, there is never anything wrong with perceived experience ... How could there be? That's all there is!)

The watcher is just another experience, like anything else, and it's only a
problem if there is clinging. Clinging can take the form of identifying with it - I am the eternal watcher. But it can also take the form of rejecting it - I need to get rid of the watcher - because that also solidifies its appearance. Actually when you see it clearly enough for what it is - just more sensations masquerading as being apart from other sensations - then it will disappear by itself over time. It does feel a bit gross, because in reality there is nothing that is not sensations to be separate from other sensations.

​​​​​​​The watcher is really a subtle defense mechanism (some say it's the last one, although there's also time). When you start to realize that everything is composed of sensations - which also implies that what you thought of as "me" is just more of the same - then it's as if a little voice goes 'uh oh, this doesn't look good, let's try to create something which is apart from sensations' (and then subtly identify with it, even if by rejecting it). But if you look closely enough, you can see that the watcher is just composed of more sensations (including ideas about it). As always, when in doubt, go back to the 3Cs:
- is it permanent?
- is it me?
- is it satisfactory?
If it's none of these then you can safely let it go emoticon
Sam Gentile, modified 14 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 1344 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
SushiK
Yesterday night the weather was stormy and I ended up with a lot of energy in the head and a big headache

Today felt more contracted.

A lot more "doing" during the meditation.
Trying to de-contract/expand, looking for sensations that felt like me and dissolving it, looking for ill-will, etc.

Don't do. Be. Lett Be in Open Awarenesss. Rest. There's no need to strive. I thought you and Aubre were doing open awareness anyway. Anyhow I'm just out of my hosipital statys amd always read your log
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SushiK, modified 14 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Hi Sam. I'm not working with Abre since mid-july.
​​​​​​​The time difference wasn't great for online meeting and I just wasn't using her teaching in a way which was satisfying enough to me.

I didn't interact on your log but you have been in my thought, I wish you well and hope your treatment today went well.
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SushiK, modified 13 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
First of all thanks George for this one: "But if you look closely enough, you can see that the watcher is just composed of more sensations (including ideas about it)".
I just re-read it and the bold part felt very important and clicked.

Yesterday evening meditation was flooded by energetic stuff all over the body, especially the head. Some click and other body noise + very strong lights.
I don't have much recollection of the thoughts/emotions (Except a tiny bit of fear that it would stay like this), all very physical and a rollercoaster of pleasure borderline pain.

This morning, on the opposite, was all about emotions, inquiry and dealing with my stuff.
I often have the feelings of emotions being stuck in my throat.
I asked a few time what it was and came with the below:

Anxiety: Which I have convinced myself is a big part of me and an hindrance in my life (I bite my nails since I'm 4yo) as an excuse for my shortcoming and to get compassion from other.

Shame: In my way of having an ideal which I can never attained (Because always pushing it upward whenever I get too close to it) leads to the urge every few weeks to trash my life with alcohol/videogames/food/sex in order to feel meaningful improvement after that...Easier to go from 0 to 5 than to go from 9 to 10, ain't that smart ahaha.

Anger: with the vision of a snake (Already had that when doing psychedelic) mixed with sadness and feeling alone for not getting support from the people close to me concerning this whole meditation stuff.

I'm putting it here in brief because I don't recall all the details (It's sometime a bit dreamy and a lot can be felt very fast but difficult to put into words afterward), it was a bit more profund than that but didn't led to a felt sense of release, it will probably come again.
George S, modified 13 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 2017 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
It seems to be pretty common for old stuff to come up after an insight creates some kind of opening. Anxiety/fear, shame and anger are the main “negative” emotions (along with sadness). There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with them - they are an important source of real-time information. But if e.g. someone was subjected to a significant amount of anger or shaming as a kid then the mechanism can get “stuck” and old information is being mixed in with the new.
  
Angelo Dilullo’s book has a good chapter on emotions. For the reactivity, realms/elements practice is really good (Wake Up To Your Life). There’s also a complementary technique/book called Gendlin’s Focussing which sounds a bit similar to what you are already doing - questioning the felt sense of the emotion and working with what comes up. It’s more flexible but doesn’t use the buddhist framework of WUTYL (dependent origination, samsara). I found both really helpful and I still use focussing. The basic idea of both is the same - see how the blocked emotion drives a reaction (thought pattern, behavior, addiction) and meditate on it until the block releases. Over time the emotions will start to “self-liberate” in real-time, i.e. be fully experienced in the body without the reaction pattern. Maybe you already know this stuff, but I put it here just in case.
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SushiK, modified 11 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Thanks George.
Ken McLeod and Angelo Dilullo were both on my book list, just added Gendlin.

I had a weird experience friday evening of the "reality synchronising itself". I just finished my workout and was riding home feeling very light, at a red light something snapped and reality felt different. This isn't sooo unusual for me anymore, it just feels like normal reality but with a jhanic/energetic filter on top of it wich make it slightly different. But then my attention got grabbed by the wheel of the motorbike in front and it felt different.
I can't explain exactly what made it unusual the experience was just very different from whatever I add encountered and the wording that came to me is "Reality synch itself" probably because I read it somewhere.
Anyway I tried to get out of it afterward because unusual reality experience aren't that great to experience when you are riding your e-bike home ;-)

Today/Yesterday has been about the non-control I have on all of this. I'm definitely not at the wheel of anything that's happening and I don't have a say on how the meditation will go.
It's really a mixed of being lost in some dreamy state, then grabbing a sensation which is going to cascade into insight or not, then ending up in concentration (felt like 4th jhana today) and being thrown in all direction by energetic stuff. 

​​​​​​​I'm just a rolling stone.
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SushiK, modified 10 Days ago.

RE: SushiK Log #2

Posts: 143 Join Date: 6/11/20 Recent Posts
Yesterday:

While driving my e-bike noticed that I was trying to "do" the seeing instead of just seeing.
I tried to drop the doing which was relaxing but difficult to maintain.
Might be an interesting practice during daily life, noticing when there is some added "doing" on top.
Reminded me of the tennis book Shargrol recommended.

Meditation was strong energy flows, weird jhanic states, maelstrom of image/short movies litteraly secondes after I closed my eyes and for the whole hour.

Before the meditation I sent a work email which was very direct without the usual politness because I felt entitled to cut through the bullshit and pinpoint the problem. The recipient of the email didn't take it very well.
This came back during the meditation, I felt disgust at how for a moment I endorsed the costume of the shark manager who doesn't feel a thing when hammering employees if that's for the benefit of the company. (Edit: I started to write a rambling about societies/costumes/etc but that all belongs to views and not of big interest for this post).

I bet Buddhas are great at morality because if they don't it come back at them like a boomrang twice as hard.

Today:

Meditation felt more "normal" than usual.
No maelstrom, energy flows weaker, a few episode that felt jhanic but less numerous and less intense.
Mostly body sensations which I noticed as object and tried to cut Daniel's style with blades.
A few apparation of anger/rage in the stomach and throat, I tried to welcome it and let it be experienced but it didn't lead to anything conscious.

Last week I had a strong feeling of equanimity, doesn't seem to be the case anymore, I don't really mind it tho.
This moment is this moment whatever it includes.

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