RE: George practice log.

george, modified 3 Months ago.

George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
So thought I'd start a practice log because I'm really sucking at being consistent with my practice.

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21635551


This is a link to my past experience so my practice is coming off the back of that.

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

George
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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hey George, welcome back to the mat! I was laughing, going over your first log. 

from your last log, you said to Jarrett: "I've stopped my insight practice but will be starting it again in the near future. I want some intellectual knowledge to mature and also coolect my thoughts regarding the previous experience. I also want to strengthen my shamatha practice before i continue anything."

So how did that go, as far as having your intellectual knowledge mature and collecting your thoughts about your previous experience?

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

What kind of practice are you doing now? How much? My impression, for what it's worth (less than 2 cents), is that you really may not want to practice right now. You say you're feeling fine, not practicing, and from what I'm hearing here, you're beating the shit out of yourself about the practice you are feeling fine not doing. It sounds like your life ain't broke, and you're making yourself miserable trying to fix it. Or am I missing something here?
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks everyone for your words. Tim yes I feel like I have a better grasp intellectually of how to go about it but I'm still confused. I want to practice, I want to awaken.

I've been trying to do 30min everyday but its a struggle. Mostly doing Shamatha practice.

Does there have to be someone that notices everything? Isn't it all phenomena arising. Why does there have to be someone noticing the breath? The breath is just there.
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Does there have to be someone that notices everything? Isn't it all phenomena arising. Why does there have to be someone noticing the breath? The breath is just there.

'Cause having a subject (me) and an object (it) is how your mind works. The goal of practice is to sort that stuff out, figure out how it really works, eventually to "get it" in a deep, non-intellectual way. That's the "Isn't all phenomena arising?" part, but that's the advanced, deeper part that has to be preceded by the work of your practice. There isn't a magic button that gets you "there" all at once.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george:
Thanks everyone for your words. Tim yes I feel like I have a better grasp intellectually of how to go about it but I'm still confused. I want to practice, I want to awaken.

I've been trying to do 30min everyday but its a struggle. Mostly doing Shamatha practice.

Okay, "I want to practice, I want to awaken," is the note I was missing in your first post. Obviously agnostic and Chris picked right up on it, because they're right, you're in a classic time-to-just-practice-anyway phase. 

This is sort of what we were joking about on your first thread--- looking forward to being fucked up together, lol. Your practice is a struggle right now, and feels fucked up. We all go through this, again and again. 30 minutes a day is plenty right now, clearly, so the first thing is to accept the state of your art and not push for more, or "better." Letting go of that urgency, accepting the path as a long haul, can be a surprising lightening-up in itself. Embracing your technique and simply doing it, coming back to it from waves of doubt, iteration by re-iteration, is the way forward, scary in its simplicity, very unspectacular. This is where your faith in the technique gets built, in doing it with no signs of fruits for a while. Give it time to work; there's a vast amount of reorientation going on in your brain and mind and heart at any given moment in your practice, and most of it is invisible most of the time. But something is ripening, with practice; in a way, part of the technique is what we do to not interfere with the ripening process, lol. So give yourself a break and accept a steady pace over some bumpy road for a while. You're covering ground just fine, keeping your eyes on the road and staying between the white lines.
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks guys again for your words. Makes me feel more optimistic. I don't feel fucked up emotionally, I just feel like my practice is dull and useless, boring. When practicing before I was having kriyas and feeling chakras, lots of wonderful things that made me feel like I was getting somewhere. I don't get any of the energetic stuff happening anymore and I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I take it this is normal? 
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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George, boring is where it's at. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Chris Marti:
George, boring is where it's at. 

lol, and amen to this. This is the Path T-shirt Slogan of the Week.
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok thanks guys I'll continue practicing and investigate boredom : )
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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George, HouseOnFire was recently dealing with boredom on the mat, and it sent me back to a thread called "Fun with Boredom" by Steph. 

Fun with Boredom - Discussion - www.dharmaoverground.org

She says:
Steph

I don't know about all y'all, but one of the hardest collection of sensations for me to slug through is the ones associated with boredom - even more so than overt anger, fear, sadness, and much of the other stuff generally considered unpleasant. When I get to a point in a sit where it seems boring or dull, sometimes I'll tune out/zone out and let the mind loops rip or just want to get up. But other times I feel more compelled to investigate it. And boredom is totally unboring under a microscope.


Really it's a very deep dive into subtle anger and restlessness. It feels like craving/aversion/clinging are having a temper tantrum at the edge of a cliff when you look closely. A pattern of push-pull between them. The areas of the heart, solar plexus, and gut all have these concentrations of tensions that feel like they push outward (like they're grasping forward) - part of that forward motion feeling that makes you feel like you want to get up. Then add to that, the glutes and backs of the legs have tension that seems like it's trying to propel the body up and forward. This can get really intense when you first focus in on it, which is why it makes ya feel like you need to get up immediately, especially when it's interspersed with a forward pulling tension in the gut. 

Mental formations do this thing where they seem to turn back away from themselves - the zone out. And kinda throughout the body there's a dull, cloudy feeling that when you look at more closely is actually a very subtle buzzing of anger. It's like this low level hum of anger that moves really slowly and seems dense until you zoom in and it starts to pixelate. Wild stuff.

Just some thoughts and something to look at next time you're bored on the cushion.
agnostic, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george:
I'm really sucking at being consistent with my practice.

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21635551


This is a link to my past experience so my practice is coming off the back of that.

my practice isn't consistent but it's different to before. I can't concentrate to save my life. I can't even note like I used to. Is it because I had 6 months off? I don't know. I feel like I had more motivation when I first started practicing. Before I was alert and aware now I'm dull and lost. 

i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

George

Believe it or not, this is a good sign! It means your practice is working and getting into some deeper areas of discomfort which you would rather avoid. Feeling alert and motivated is natural when practice is comfortable (i.e. stagnating) and feeling dull and lost is a natural reaction when your practice is uncomfortable (i.e. progressing). You need to give yourself a pat on the back! The trick is accept the problems for what they are (a sign of progress) and try to allow them to rest in awareness where they will slowly open up and dissolve. Even poor concentration can be marinated in awareness.
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Chris Marti, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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i fucking pissed off because before it was so emotionally taxing to sit yet I still practiced. Now when I'm feeling fine I'm not practicing.

Classic!

No pain, no motivation. But there are other reasons to practice:

1. What are you, really?
2. How is your experience put together?
3. What does it mean to be a human being?
4. Is there a better way to be (with family, friends, coworkers)
5. what causes our difficult and powerful emotions?

Get curious, and get going.

emoticon
george, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So i've changed it up yet again practice wise. Before where i spaced out and went into a mind loop now im getting more curious as to how i'm experiencing this moment and noting it. periodically checking into the body and noting emotional tone as well. It really isn't boring after all.

So there is a spacey, dullness. It's like a thick drape is layered on top of me that kind of numbs me. Mind is fairly quiet. 

I just realised also that the need to control my experience is not present, something that I now realise was present in the first post. Simply being curious and observing what's happening. No fighting. It's OK to be spacey.


george
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Motivation very low. Hoping that if I write something in here I'd trick myself into caring. 
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Of course you fucking care.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Of course you fucking care.

lol, amen. so the "trick" worked. Which means it wasn't a trick, it was a technique. Your log is part of your practice, an aspect of your meditation ecosystem, and the feedback loops through it are part of how you uncover your motivation. You can see it in one of my early exchanges up-thread with you, where I couldn't tell whether you were motivated or not, either, but George and Chris Marti could. 

Of course you fucking care. That's why we're here. 

you were HERE, about a month ago:
So i've changed it up yet again practice wise. Before where i spaced out and went into a mind loop now im getting more curious as to how i'm experiencing this moment and noting it. periodically checking into the body and noting emotional tone as well. It really isn't boring after all.

So there is a spacey, dullness. It's like a thick drape is layered on top of me that kind of numbs me. Mind is fairly quiet. 

I just realised also that the need to control my experience is not present, something that I now realise was present in the first post. Simply being curious and observing what's happening. No fighting. It's OK to be spacey.


Where are you at now?
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks guys. I guess I do care, there's just so much aversion to practicing. And yeah I guess I'm writing on here so that I can motivate myself somehow to push through. I'm spacing out quite a bit and fantasising a lot in my sits but I notice it. 
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Bringing awareness to aversion is the practice! Instead of trying to push through aversion (which leads to spacing out and fantasising), try exploring it instead. Where do you feel it in the body? What are the sensations like? What happens if you allow yourself to drop right into the center of the aversion?
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So tonight I decided to sit with this shit feeling. I wasn't sure what to do because I didn't want to space out and get all dull so I noted everything hard for 15 min until I saw some clarity. This heaviness just lifted and i was bright, alert, light. I know that's not going to happen all the time but it has shown me why I do this. 
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So tonight I decided to sit with this shit feeling. 

Amen. Sitting with this shit is a great description of what we do. The lightness, clarity, and radiance of accepted shit is always a surprise.
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Frustration, anger, impatience coming up. Where at the start I was experiencing a lot of love, wonder, joy now I feel like a shit human. Trying times. I tell myself that it's just the universe doing it's thing, don't be hard on yourself but when you don't even have the patience to talk to people it can get hard. Just trying to note my experience. Not much room for love and kindness. 
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I am grateful that I'm sitting through it though. I don't want to give up. I need to keep going.
Tim Farrington, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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George, this is classic dark night, dukkha nanas. Love and joy a distant memory, and it feels like we were probably fooling ourselves about that rainbow shit anyway. The shit human being is right here, all the time, in every direction, coloring everything, and everything we do as that shit human being only makes it worse. But doing nothing is impossible. Meanwhile, there are people in our life, and responsibilities to fulfill, and real things to get done. It seems like maybe the best we can do is hold our mud, off the mat. And on the mat, shit, and deeper shit.

I am grateful that I'm sitting through it though. I don't want to give up. I need to keep going.

Yeah. And what's there to go back to? What would it mean to stop? It's too late for that, the can of worms is open. My rules of thumb here are to truly realize that there is no hurry, here as much as anywhere, where there seems to be nothing to do, and every something seems to make it worse. You really are engaged in a process, the path is real, and this is where you're at. Trust what got you this far. There is an unimaginable amount of work going on in this phase where only the shit can be seen; you're letting go of stuff in the way that only misery can teach us to let go of it, like it's a hot stove. The first fruit is humility, we realize that the conquering hero is shit, that however this is going to get done, it's not because we're in control. And the second rule of thumb is related to the trust that lets you slow down and give this deep work the time it really takes: let go of fear. Trust what got you here. The worst has sort of happened, lol, it's shit humanity everywhere you look, and no shining light at the end of the tunnel visible. Accept that. This is what we were supposed to be most afraid of, shit, shit, and more shit, and no clue how to get out of it. So again, trust what got you here, let go of that blind urgency to escape and the useless fear of being in this, both of which only make it worse. You're right where you need to be, and you're sitting through it, and not giving up. Trust that, accept this. It really does come with the territory. A lot of old stuff is coming up for examination here, and being seen through as useless or worse. It feels like shit. It IS shit, lol. But this shit will burn, in the fire you're sitting in. What's left will be the unforeseeable creative response to what is. So trust what got you here, here above all. And hang in there, buddy.
​​​​​​​
george, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks Tim, your words mean the world.
​​​​​​​It makes a lot of sense. Whatever it is I need to sit and like you said burn it up. That's all I care about, I don't even care about stream entry. 
It's funny because at the start you think you're this amazing human that is doing this amazing thing now it's as if ok what am I doing wrong, shouldn't I be more loving with all the meditation I'm doing?
Anyway I've sat for an hour today & im going to sit again.

Lots of love to you and the community, thanks.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george
It's funny because at the start you think you're this amazing human that is doing this amazing thing

Some people spend decades there ... welcome to real practice emoticon
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Feeling ok. Was fairly spacey in tonight's sit but I still sat for an hour. I try to note my way through it but get caught up in fantasy. Just going to keep going.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Feeling terrible. I want to throw up. Yuk
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

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Yup, that's your system detoxing. Hang in there, it passes. Don't fight it - the more you can accept it as a necessary cleansing process, the faster it will pass.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah, far out. All weekend I've been feeling it and anger, frustration, zero tolerance for anything. Is everything shit because my happiness is based on a condition? 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Without knowing your specifics, if I had to guess, I would guess that everything is shit because you've been repressing anger for a long time and now you're really starting to feel it. If that's the case, it's a totally normal reaction/process.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah ok, wow. thanks George!
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok I haven't slept much at all, very light sleep. Body felt really agitated before but I'm feeling ok now. I don't want to end up in a hospital again, I'm thinking I'll skip practice today. I don't know if I should push my body further than this. 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Sounds like a good decision. It's really important to respect your limits (which obviously can only be found by pushing a little past them). It's a marathon not a sprint. There's only a finite amount of dukkha bottled up inside you and it's a process of letting the pressure out little by little. Taking care of yourself is essential to this whole process - sleep, rest, diet, exercise, grounding activities, non-stressful relationships, therapy etc.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks George. I managed to get a little more sleep in and I feel good now. I still have an appetite which is a good sign too. I'm going to sit tonight out and just rest. Thanks again.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi guys I have a few questions regarding the practice. I was always under the impression that you had to push through this stage? Obviously not. Can you still make progress if you have a day off and then go back into it?
Also with time will I be able withstand the pain with greater ease so that I can continue practicing etc?
Last one, with consistent practice, even when taking a few days off if it gets tough does positive behaviour change still happen? 
Thanks again guys, lots of love.

George
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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hi George,

I was always under the impression that you had to push through this stage? Obviously not. Can you still make progress if you have a day off and then go back into it?

Absolutely, yes, on the day off being fine. Do something fun and renewing for you, give your poor ass-busting self a genuine holiday, as free and easy as possible.

"Pushing through" is a finely calibrated thing in practice. Think of hatha yoga, you're in a posture and you find the place where your body feels the tension of the pose. That was pushing, to get in touch with that tension. Now, if you push harder at that point, it's going to start to hurt, and may even do damage. So the "pushing through" is actually pushing to, using your own effort to find the precise point where your own effort can not doing anything more except harm. Recognizing that point in your practice, and learning to live with the tension you have found, in whatever form it takes, is the key. Physically, your body solves that tension, in its own ways and at its own pace: there are releases, tiny visceral learnings, discoveries of unsuspected ways you've been holding on tight. Likewise in meditation. You have come into contact now with a powerful, undeniable stratum of yourself, and created through your practice a tension that is uncomfortable to live with, and that, if you push harder, turns into real suffering. As George said, it's a marathon, not a sprint. And in a marathon, if you have to walk for a while, or even stop, well, that's just the way it is. (Remember, the original Greek messenger who ran from Marathon pushed through, delivered his message, and dropped down dead. We're trying to avoid that in this marathon.) Have some water and an orange. Sit in the shade. Change t-shirts. The course to run will still be there tomorrow. The nature of existence is not going anywhere. One of my main spiritual rules of thumb is "as much as I can stand." The humility that comes with actually being honest and accurate where there are limits to what we can stand will save you a lot of the pain of fooling yourself, and even hurting yourself, trying to conform to some image of some meditation superman no one was ever meant to be anyway.

Also with time will I be able withstand the pain with greater ease so that I can continue practicing etc?

Your relationship to the pain will change; what you see AS pain will even change. There are certain times that are simply going be to crunches by the nature of what is coming to consciousness, stuff that appalls us maybe, or scares us, or seems to render the whole thing null and void. The more you can do the paradoxical move of neither backing off nor trying to push past, the more calibrated your capacity to simply hold the sustainable tension and let your entire body-mind system work within a large degree of total mystery (to the self that would prefer control here) to discover a better way of living with this apparently unbearable and unreleasable grip of shit, the better you'll be able to practice through such times. It's trusting your practice, trusting your path, letting your technique work.

Last one, with consistent practice, even when taking a few days off if it gets tough does positive behaviour change still happen? 

Hell yes. In fact, in your case right now, the few days off ARE a positive behavior change, lol.

Hang in there, George.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi Tim,

Thanks for your words. I have a bad habit of forcing things. I have to let go of what might be and just do what I can, letting the practice take its own course.
It's just that everyone is talking about stream entry and I want to see what it's all about! Haha. Anyway I'm about to pass out. Thank you!!
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah "stream entry" doesn't solve anything by itself. Actually if you force through it then it can make things worse. Much better to tread your own path at your own pace. emoticon

You could even think of practice as "learning how to be yourself". If you're somebody that's used to pushing themself too hard (which is basically most of us in modern life lol) then that means practice is the one place where you don't have to push yourself, where you can simply hang out and learn what it really feels like to be you without trying to get something out of it ... and yeah, lots of us learn this lesson the hard way! emoticon
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yeah "stream entry" doesn't solve anything by itself. Actually if you force through it then it can make things worse. 

This is an interesting comment that I think would benefit from elaboration:

1. How do you know this - is it your experience?
2. What do we tell all those people who've practice long and diligently to get stream entry? Do you think they would agree with you?
3. What does "make things worse" entail, exactly?

Curious...
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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1. It depends how you define stream entry! I had certain cessation/fruition-type events (described here) which seemed to match those described in MCTB paths in some respects. Personally I think of them as progressive loosening of the first fetter (self-identity view) rather than "technical paths" (if indeed that's what they were). These experiences provided deep insights into the nature of self, space, consciousness, time and seeking. They fundamentally changed my relationship to my experience so that suffering has been greatly reduced. I feel like I've seen through the fabrication of self-identity in a pretty fundamental way, which would point to sotapanna, however I can't be sure since I don't know what I don't know! So, possibly SE, possibly not.

Some of these events initially proved quite destabilizing, which I attribute to the fact that I was pushing myself very hard with an insight-heavy, absorption-light approach. Temporarily there were times where I felt like things were worse (without messing up my life thankfully), but over time as I integrated the insights then things definitely got much better. I feel that if I had pushed even harder then the destabilization would have been worse. So, from wherever I stand, my advice is to err on the side of caution if you are prone to pushing yourself hard. Of course that’s easier to say in hindsight than when you are hungry to make progress! I’m definitely not saying that SE-type events don’t change anything. There are a bunch of changes involved in getting there and then the event itself has profound after-effects. It's just that from my experience I think it’s wrong to expect it to solve your personality issues, and if you are pushing too hard then the energetic after-effects could actually amplify them, at least temporarily.

2. For all those practicing diligently for SE-type events – go for it, it’s 100% worth it! However don’t expect it to solve your personality problems/issues by itself​​​​​​​. (As for those who did get SE, I don't know if they would agree with me ... did anyone have immediate resolution of a personality issue upon SE?) There seems to be something of a trade-off between speed and stability. Going slower seems to make for a smoother ride and the insights easier to integrate, but you run the the risk of losing momentum and motivation if it takes too long. Going faster keeps the motivation up because you see continual changes happening, but you run the risk of more instability when the big events hit. However I think that for me, having more insight made it easier to work on my stuff. So my advice if you’re inclined to push is find your limits and stick within them. And the further down the path you go, the less that pushing helps anyway and it becomes more about acceptance and letting go (and maybe it should be that way from the start lol).

3. There were two major things that happened to me which seemed to make things worse temporarily. Somewhere around “technical 3rd” (which I think of as pre-sotopanna) I was pushing hard on nonduality and started having depersonalization experiences. The first one felt psychotic, but they got easier over time and eventually vanished. I attribute them to the fact that I was too much in my head and not aware enough of my body. When “technical 4th” hit I had a strong release of energy and a narcissistic blowup on here. Thankfully the community was supportive and that was the gateway for me to really start addressing my narcissism from the ground up. Again, I’m not making strong claims to technical paths or otherwise here, just giving my experience of what can happen along various stages of progression and making guesses to align with maps. Sorry about the long personal post in your log George, but hopefully it might be helpful!

EDIT: I should add, the events of "technical SE" and "technical 2nd" weren't destabilizing, although it was after that I started to become more
aware of my narcissism.
 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi George, it's totally fine. Thanks for giving us your insight! I was under the impression that stream entry would allow you to experience suffering with more equanimity? Personality is I thought, something you would always have to work on?
At the beginning of my whole log I said I wanted to develop a shamatha practice so that it would make things easier. Curiousity has got the better of me and I'm back on the insight wagon. To be honest I just sit for an hour without doing anything sometimes and stuff happens. Kinda zen style. I don't get it, it just does it all by itself.
I'm sitting tonight out again, I didn't sleep well last night either but mood is substantially better. Hopefully tonight I get some zZzZz. 

george
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Yes, "insight events" generally allow you to experience pain with more equanimity, so less suffering. However they also tend to open up deeper issues, so more pain! Eventually you get to the “core wound” and after that the pain starts to get more refined. On balance the suffering is still reducing, it just doesn't happen in the linear way you might expect. Hence Bill Hamilton’s classic one-liner: 'Suffering less; noticing it more.' The first two of Shinzen Young’s four formulas also encapsulate it:

Suffering = Discomfort x Resistance

Purification = Discomfort x Equanimity

Frustration = Pleasure x Resistance

Fulfillment = Pleasure x Equanimity

Yes, personality issues are something you will always have to work on. It’s called being a human being! The further you go down the path, the more you realize how much of your suffering is generated by the unconscious operation of psychological defense mechanisms, resulting in fixed reactive patterns. Someone else maybe said ‘awakening is the last thing you want it to be’, meaning there is always some part of your life that you want to protect from your practice, and that’s where the most suffering is generated.

I’m a big fan of open awareness practice and just seeing what bubbles up. It’s all basically happening by itself anyway, so the sooner you give up the illusion of control the better!

There’s always an interplay between samatha and vipassana. Ajahn Chah I think said it’s like 'two ends of the same stick, if you pull from one end the other end invariably moves'. Absorption is very healing and a good place from which to generate deeper insights. But when absorption stops going deeper then you need to apply insight itself to the hindrances.
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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In my humble opinion, it's a mistake to expect psychological changes to occur while getting stream-entry (very first cessation, fruition). Having that expectation is very likely to cause confusion and frustration. The path of insight is about awakening to how the mind processes signals from our senses, and the profound nature of how those processes form our moment-to-moment experience. Yes, it certainly touches on personality and psychology, but that is by-product, not the main purpose or prospect.

George S., thank you for your detailed reply, which reinforces the paragraph above.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
I'm so arrogant, it astounds me. I try to impress people all the time. I'm an asshole. I Fucken complain all the time. I'd like to shut the fuck up. 

​​​​​​​I've slept well but still tired. Going to sit tomorrow. 
Tim Farrington, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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lol, george, you may be an asshole, but you're a really decent fucking asshole, and working on it, and sort of lovable about it. To become aware of the vast sea of our arrogance and ass-holiness, to dip a toe of self-consciousness into that water, is the first chilly sense of what can eventually ripen through humiliation into humility, the best of realistic self-consciousness. I speak as someone who had to be swallowed by a giant fish at the bottom of that asshole sea and eventually vomited up on the shore.  It's worth the trip, to risk sounding like an arrogant asshole, lol. (I should shut the fuck up.)
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok I think I need to just relax and understand that this stuff is going to come up and not identify with it. I think I also need to see a therapist & do some exercise. I've been a bit of a couch potato.
Martin, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george
Ok I think I need to just relax and understand that this stuff is going to come up and not identify with it. I think I also need to see a therapist & do some exercise. I've been a bit of a couch potato.

In terms of reliable short- and medium-term effectiveness for garden variety mental health issues, few things give more bang for your buck than exercise, and particularly regular aerobic exercise. It is a miracle drug that many leave sitting on the shelf. It is also useful in both brightening and claiming the mind, which are great aids to both mindfulness and concentration.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I wrote a whole bunch just then but I'm just going to say thank you Tim. I wonder how you, George S and others find the time and patience to reply to my shitty log. You guys must have gone through it all yourself! Your words really lift my spirits. Thanks
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Welcome to the asshole club! emoticon

You can relax george - you're not the first person who likes to impress people and complain. emoticon

Acknowledging it is a really big step forward. 
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Been sitting the last 2 days and I'm going to sit tonight. Mood is low, I'm agitated. Sleep is light. Fucken shit human. Work is mostly enjoyable though, if I didn't have that I'd be in trouble. I can wake up for work and can't wait to get stuck into it. I think it's an escape and lots of joy comes when I complete a project.
edit : Tonight I sat for an hour. It was unpleasant, noting body sensations, images, mental talk, questioning, awareness shifting from object to object, searching, scanning. Pain in the body, tension in the shoulder blade area.

george
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Stuff has come up. Old flame. Regret, frustration, anger, confusion. I'm 34 years old, The longest I've been in a relationship is 6 months. When I was 19 I really liked this girl (lots of girls) and I remember always getting pleasant sensations in the body when thinking of her BUT upon seeing her sometimes they weren't there. I was confused, I wanted to love someone but felt like I couldn't because shouldn't I be feeling pleasantness within my body all the time? This girls face comes into my head and I get that old feeling of confusion, pleasant young innocent love, but an unpleasantness because I believe I can never have that love. Especially now because I'm not that youthful good looking George I used to be. 
Despite this crap, I'm either becoming more confident or I'm a confident asshole. I'm not sure. I feel like if I think something bad of someone then I'm an asshole? We all make judgments though?
Im really sorry, my log has turned into a therapy session. I don't know how else to do this. I wanted to explore this in my sit tonight as it came up during the day at work. Still feeling out the sensations within the body. I feel like I can already take on more in my practice though.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ouch, the one that got away, hurts the most every time. Some people even say the Buddha had an old flame who broke his heart, leading to dissatisfaction with wife and abandoning family.

Don't worry, a lot of problems in meditation turn out to be caused by psychological defense mechanisms ... and we all have them. Therapy + meditation is a great combo and you may well need the support of a therapist. Therapy is great because you get all the attention, but that’s really just what you needed from your parents. The goal of therapy imo is that you learn to give yourself the attention you need (which is what you do in meditation) so that you can finally grow up. Not the narcissistic ‘ain’t I great’ kind of attention, but the heartfelt attention of ‘oh wow I never really knew how fucking bad I was hurting until now’. Because a strange thing happens when you start to truly feel and accept that pain, anger and grief ... it starts to turn into gold.

So here’s my 2c. True love for another can only really happen to the extent that you truly love yourself. And people learn to love themselves to the extent that their parents truly loved them. Not the official story, but what really happened and how they really felt about you. Not blaming them, because this was just a function of how their parents felt about them, but simply allowing yourself to feel what it wasn’t safe for you to feel at the time. So, if you have problems in this department (which many of us do) and want to address them, then it’s time to start connecting with your inner child. I strongly recommend two excellent books to start: The Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller and Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. But the warning again - this process can bring up some seriously powerful stuff. It’s totally worth it and necessary, but you will probably need some external support to get through it.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks George s. I've done inner child work for over a year before with a great therapist with a lot of somatic work. I wouldn't mind doing more of it but despite me feeling low and shitty I'm confident I can get through this atm. I feel like I'm breaking down barriers, I don't know if it's happening but I just feel confident I can do it. Confidently confused. 
The emotions just don't feel as intense as they did before. I know this is present moment though, so it all may change
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Great! emoticon

Confidently confused is a good place to be ...

​​​​​​​No Ajahn Chah

49. If your mind tries to tell you it has already attained the level of sotapanna, go and bow to a sotapanna. He’ll tell you himself it’s all uncertain. If you meet a sakadagami, go and pay respects to him. When he sees you, he’ll simply say, "Not a sure thing!" If there’s an anagami, go and bow to him. He’ll tell you only one thing, "Uncertain!" If you meet even an arahant, go and bow to him. He’ll tell you even more firmly, "It’s all even more uncertain!" You’ll hear the words of the Noble Ones: "Everything is uncertain. Don’t cling to anything!"

​​​​​​​
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks George s. Currently revelling in the shit. The body tensing up, noticing it and releasing. 
Trying to be precise with sensations. Where exactly are they occurring, why are they unpleasant? 
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 1555 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
Good. Shit is the shit! As long as you are feeling pain you are not deluding yourself. emoticon

Why is it unpleasant? Resistance, pure and simple ...
​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​Sallatha Sutta: The Arrow (SN 36.6)

"Monks, an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person feels feelings of pleasure, feelings of pain, feelings of neither-pleasure-nor-pain. A well-instructed disciple of the noble ones also feels feelings of pleasure, feelings of pain, feelings of neither-pleasure-nor-pain. So what difference, what distinction, what distinguishing factor is there between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person?"

"For us, lord, the teachings have the Blessed One as their root, their guide, & their arbitrator. It would be good if the Blessed One himself would explicate the meaning of this statement. Having heard it from the Blessed One, the monks will remember it."

"In that case, monks, listen & pay close attention. I will speak."

​​​​​​​"As you say, lord," the monks responded.

The Blessed One said, "When touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, were to shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pains of two arrows; in the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental."

As he is touched by that painful feeling, he is resistant. Any resistance-obsession with regard to that painful feeling obsesses him. Touched by that painful feeling, he delights in sensual pleasure. Why is that? Because the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person does not discern any escape from painful feeling aside from sensual pleasure. As he is delighting in sensual pleasure, any passion-obsession with regard to that feeling of pleasure obsesses him. He does not discern, as it actually is present, the origination, passing away, allure, drawback, or escape from that feeling. As he does not discern the origination, passing away, allure, drawback, or escape from that feeling, then any ignorance-obsession with regard to that feeling of neither-pleasure-nor-pain obsesses him."

​​​​​​​Sensing a feeling of pleasure, he senses it as though joined with it. Sensing a feeling of pain, he senses it as though joined with it. Sensing a feeling of neither-pleasure-nor-pain, he senses it as though joined with it. This is called an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person joined with birth, aging, & death; with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. He is joined, I tell you, with suffering & stress."

Now, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones, when touched with a feeling of pain, does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat his breast or become distraught. So he feels one pain: physical, but not mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, did not shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pain of only one arrow. In the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones does not sorrow, grieve, or lament, does not beat his breast or become distraught. He feels one pain: physical, but not mental."

As he is touched by that painful feeling, he is not resistant. No resistance-obsession with regard to that painful feeling obsesses him. Touched by that painful feeling, he does not delight in sensual pleasure. Why is that? Because the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones discerns an escape from painful feeling aside from sensual pleasure. As he is not delighting in sensual pleasure, no passion-obsession with regard to that feeling of pleasure obsesses him. He discerns, as it actually is present, the origination, passing away, allure, drawback, and escape from that feeling. As he discerns the origination, passing away, allure, drawback, and escape from that feeling, no ignorance-obsession with regard to that feeling of neither-pleasure-nor-pain obsesses him."

Sensing a feeling of pleasure, he senses it disjoined from it. Sensing a feeling of pain, he senses it disjoined from it. Sensing a feeling of neither-pleasure-nor-pain, he senses it disjoined from it. This is called a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones disjoined from birth, aging, & death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. He is disjoined, I tell you, from suffering & stress."

This is the difference, this the distinction, this the distinguishing factor between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person."

​​​​​​​The discerning person, learned,
doesn't sense a (mental) feeling of pleasure or pain:
This is the difference in skillfulness
between the sage & the person run-of-the-mill.

For a learned person
who has fathomed the Dhamma,
clearly seeing this world & the next,
desirable things don't charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.


His acceptance
& rejection are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.

Knowing the dustless, sorrowless state,
he discerns rightly,
has gone, beyond becoming,
​​​​​​​to the Further Shore.​​
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
It's 2:35am, can't sleep. I'd be a mess if it wasn't for George S others and this whole community. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

​​​​​​​george.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
So what's the origin of resistance? This is dependent origination? I'm going to do some reading tonight.

haha, I thought if I understood dependent origin It would help, there's that aversion and resistance. basically there's nothing I can do except wait and practice. 

Thanks George s
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
I've been practicing fairly consistently. Noting my experience, I've set the intention to do it more in daily life too. I want to really awaken. frustration, anger, impatience, questioning, judging coming up.
Tonight I sat and just put awareness into the visual thought stream. I find this practice interesting but very tricky, easy to get lost for me. I like looking at vague images that come up within the mind, the mind then questions what it is and makes sense of it with an image the mind can identify with. Memory, etc. thanks 

​​​​​​​George 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Tonight I sat and just put awareness into the visual thought stream. I find this practice interesting but very tricky, easy to get lost for me.

Hey George,
You may find this helpful for not getting lost when focusing on mental images:

Hold the mental images of the room (The space your are in and/or its surrounding) in awareness. If there isn't any other mental image of thoughts, just keep the attention on the mental images of the room. If a thought in the form of mental image arises, notice in which part of the space of the room you are seeing that image. You can do it with eyes open too, by holding awareness of the whole room in the mind, and noticing images in the space of the room.

Please ignore it if it's not helpful.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hi siavash! Thanks so much for the advice! to be honest my practice is really just doing whatever it is that comes up. I try not to try to much. The only effort I put in is to make myself sit even when I don't want to and note. I will try your technique though and see if it gels. Thank you!

​​​​​​​george.
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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When am I going to learn to be humble? When am I going to learn to not force my way through my practice and this life? When will I let go of expectation? Where is my faith? No wonder I'm frustrated and angry. I've got no patience. Then I wonder why I'm an asshole.

​​​​​​​george
george, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Ok I'm not confidentially confused anymore. I'm just plain old confused and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or what's happening, I'm lost. Lots of doubt about the practice.

I'm going to practice anyway. 

​​​​​​​george
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

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That's the spirit! emoticon​​​​​​​
Sam Gentile, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 1029 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
george
Ok I'm not confidentially confused anymore. I'm just plain old confused and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or what's happening, I'm lost. Lots of doubt about the practice.

George, doubt is a destroyer hinderance that can subvert your whole practice. For me, I had years of doubt until i had my 2nd A+P and then I developed Unshakable Faith which the texts talk about. Can you look at your life or practice and see anything you can place strong faith in it. Are you working withh a teacher?

I'm going to practice anyway. 

That's exactly what to do. No matter what, keep practicing.

​​​​​​​george
george, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Hey Sam thanks for your message. I don't have a teacher at the moment. The doubt isn't as bad as before though. My faith is getting stronger but there are times when I'm completely lost. That's when I just say to myself, ok so nothing is happening, I never had an A&P, nothing has ever happened but I'm going to try anyway. If I have to, I'll start from the start. Each time I go through that doubt and then become content with "nothing happening" I feel like something opens up. Ultimately I have to go through this alone, yeah I can get advice and encouragement, but you have to grow that deep understanding and faith yourself which takes time.

Gee that sounds good when I read that again. Didn't come from me though.

​​​​​​​george.
George S, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I think you underestimate yourself George. What you expressed to Siavash the other day was authentic and powerful. 
Sam Gentile, modified 28 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george
Hey Sam thanks for your message. I don't have a teacher at the moment. The doubt isn't as bad as before though. My faith is getting stronger but there are times when I'm completely lost. That's when I just say to myself, ok so nothing is happening, I never had an A&P, nothing has ever happened but I'm going to try anyway. If I have to, I'll start from the start. Each time I go through that doubt and then become content with "nothing happening" I feel like something opens up. Ultimately I have to go through this alone, yeah I can get advice and encouragement, but you have to grow that deep understanding and faith yourself which takes time.


George, do you want a teacher? I can recomend  a really good one. Nothing happening? I said that for 8 years, cam here, switched my practice to fast noting and within a year had 2 A+Ps. Maybe you just need the right kind of practice. Send me email at mscoree42@gmail.com if you want me to recomend a teacher.
​​​​​​​

Gee that sounds good when I read that again. Didn't come from me though.

​​​​​​​george.
george, modified 29 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks George s. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and give myself a pat on the back too : ) lots of learning, hahaha. 

Just Gods puppet.
​​​​​​​
George
george, modified 26 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I've been sitting as usual, sometimes 1hr, 45mins or 30 mins. My sits are unpleasant, the body feels heavy & irritated, hard to sit still. Mind is clear at the start but then goes into a weird, spaced out kinda state, noting slows down a lot. Emotions are not as intense. Can anyone explain why it was so intense at the start and now things have died off substantially? Is it because the Shakti was awakening in the body? Sits are still unpleasant and I can see how unpleasant impatience, irritation, frustration and anger can be. Especially impatience, I feel like it contorts my body. I have a day off every week. Thanks 

​​​​​​​George 
Martin, modified 26 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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I went through a very long period in which impatience came up in every sit. Eventually, I came to greet it like a friend ("Oh, impatience, there you are! What took you so long today?") It's just what the mind does sometimes. It's a function of our minds, and worth exploring. What exactly is it? What are the components. How does it change over a period of, say, five minutes? How does it change over a period of, say, five seconds? If you have a consistent object that comes up nearly every sit, you are like a scientist who has a consistent supply of samples. Lucky scientist!
george, modified 26 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Thanks Martin, maybe one day I'll get there! Right now its destroying my interpersonal skills. 

I love it when people say why are you so angry and upset? I just want to fucking explode. I want to ask them "are you a fucking human?"
George S, modified 25 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Hey George!

I think that you will probably make faster progress working on your anger in daily life. It has certainly been that way for me. The book Wake Up To Your Life is a great manual for addressing all kinds of reactive emotions in a Buddhist context (chapters 5 and 6), with lots of practical meditation exercises. There was a very fruitful period for me where my meditation consisted almost exclusively of reviewing incidents where I had blown up or gotten triggered during the day! I still find myself reaching for it from time to time :-)

The other thing that really helped me was the inner child work. I know you've  already done some, but you may get some more mileage out of it. The Homecoming book also has some practical mediation exercises to connect with your inner child. That really helped me to start releasing the root cause of the anger - the toxic shame and guilt due to emotional neglect/abuse growing up. 

That was really the progression for me:

1. Becoming more aware of irritation/anger in mediation.
​​​​​​​2. Working on reactive anger in daily life using WUTYL.
3. Working on the root causes of anger doing inner child work.

It's been painful and is still ongoing, but liberating and transformative. I wouldn't go back for the world.
​​​​​​​
All the best,
George S
Martin, modified 25 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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george
Thanks Martin, maybe one day I'll get there! Right now its destroying my interpersonal skills. 

I love it when people say why are you so angry and upset? I just want to fucking explode. I want to ask them "are you a fucking human?"


I see. Off the cushion is more tricky. I am more likely to suffer from fear, which I consider to be the other side of the anger coin, but sometimes it's the anger that I see. There again, I get some benefit from watching it change. If I'm in a state where I get angry every time that I think of a situation, I can reasonably predict (based on experience) that there will come a time when thinking of the experience no longer makes me mad. I've seen it take as long as about five years for the anger to die down, but it is often (for day-to-day slights) as little as a week or a month. With this in mind, I can think about my anger like a blister, or a cold, or a sprain, or a broken bone. It's a drag, but it's a temporary drag. Of course, that doesn't help in the moment when the anger first comes up, but it helps me not to get too freaked out when it resurfaces. In any case, I completely agree that being angry and upset is a big part of the human experience. 
George S, modified 25 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Oh sorry for jumping ahead of you Martin. In my eagerness to respond, I overlooked the fact that george was actually replying to you!
Martin, modified 25 Days ago.

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You, me, not so much difference there. I take it that, by and large, we are all just replying to the borg collective :-) 
george, modified 24 Days ago.

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Hi guys, thank you to you both. I think doing more inner child work with a therapist is needed, I did it before but the anger wasn't there in full force where now it is, it's ripe to come out. I've been looking for a therapist that's local. I need it desperately. Anger is anger, I'm just hurting people and that's what's getting me down. I'm reacting to the anger and I don't want to anymore.
Maybe if I apply the 3 characteristics to it then it would help? Actively go through the 3cs in my head while looking at the anger and whatever else comes up. Thoughts guys?
On another note I have got in touch with a therapist that practices within the insight tradition. Lots of love

george
george, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Martin, I had to look up what borg collective meant. When I saw it though I laughed out loud. Thanks! 
george s, I'm going to order wake up to your life. Thanks again.
George S, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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What you are aiming for us to have a "pure" experience of anger ... without reacting. That's really hard to do in the moment, because the reaction happens less than a second after the anger arises. So you start practicing in meditation - pick an incident where you got angry and replay it in your head. Notice what it was that triggered you and really focus on the feeling of anger starting to spread though your body, and then the reaction that followed ('I don't like this feeling, I want to fucking kill that person!')

At first it's all jumbled together and happens quickly, like the incident itself. But as you keep replaying it, giving yourself more and more time to feel the physical experience of anger, the reaction point starts to get delayed. This is the time when you are allowed to feel as angry as you want - with no self-judgement about being a bad person for getting angry - so go for it! Luxuriate in that pure physical experience of rage, without having to think about, just noticing how the energy explodes and travels throughout your body.

This might sound like you're making the problem worse, but as you keep practicing like this a strange thing starts to happen ... the feelings of anger peak and then pass, without there being any reaction at all. That's it - you've just had your first pure non-reactive experience of anger!

What's left afterwards is interesting as well. It's a kind of pristine clarity about the situation. That's called the "liberated" form of anger. (Think how accurate you can be in your attack on someone when you are angry.)

The point is not to "get rid of anger" - it's an important signal that your boundaries are being breached. The point is to experience the anger without reacting, and then to use that clarity to establish your boundaries more effectively. Angry people tend not to have clear boundaries, so they just let anyone or anything in to annoy them.

I hope that helps. Chapters 5 & 6 of WUTYL explain it all in much more detail.
george, modified 24 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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Awesome, thanks George s. Exactly what I'm looking for, thanks for explaining it to me!!

​​​​​​​george 
george, modified 19 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

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So I'm still experiencing anger, impatience, arrogance but I'm able to stay with it more. There is less push and pull. It's hard and taxing, I'm getting very tired but I'm not getting angry because I'm angry. I'm accepting the anger and feeling it out. The mind is reacting to the anger, lots of swearing and hating on people but I'm not projecting it onto others. When I'm really triggered I just go to my room and sit. The therapist I was talking about didn't work out but I've found another one and will contact her soon. I already feel like a super hero, I'm so proud of myself. I know pride is looked down upon but there's a glimmer of hope in it all. Thanks everyone 

PS. I think the arrogance is there but I'd say I'm more opinionated now too. I feel like I don't have to impress anyone as much so I'm more open. Don't get me wrong I can still see that I am trying to impress people but I'm more open with my thoughts because Im just not bothered as much by other people's opinions of me. I have to work on compassion definitely. My opinion though i feel is strongly backed up by the truth and by the teaching and direct experience. There's a strong faith that the teaching is everything and it will get me through and that it's always right. It's not me or any other other individual that is in the right it's the teaching the truth that's unwavering. I just choose to follow it & have faith in it.

The teaching carries you, as the faith grows, my trust grows and so does the ability to stay with unpleasant states. It's really beautiful
George S, modified 18 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 1555 Join Date: 2/26/19 Recent Posts
No, you should feel proud about doing this George. It's a big step :-) Congratulations! Can I remind you that a month ago you were saying you didn't care about anything!!

It is tiring and that's a sign that it's working, because you are going against a lifetimes's conditioning.

Arrogance is an "offensive" form of anger (as opposed to the defensive form of anger where you are reacting to a perceived threat or attack). With arrogance you are pre-emptively looking to establish a position which you hope other people will be too scared to attack. But it's coming from the same place of a feeling of inner weakness, a feeling that something needs to be defended. Try to find that place physically inside you, the place where you feel the attack is directed or which needs to be defended (for me it's in the belly, which is the same place the anger comes from surprise surprise). Try to have a full experience of it and notice how empty it really is ... there's literally nothing there to defend! The more you can connect with that feeling of inner emptiness (which actually feels very pleasant and relaxing in and of itself), the less need you will feel to defend yourself.

I wouldn't worry about feeling that you have to work on compassion. Compassion comes naturally as you connect with your own pain and figure out how to experience and release it.
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george, modified 18 Days ago.

RE: George practice log.

Posts: 58 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
Nice, thanks George s. My anger mostly happens in the chest. I feel it out as much as possible but I get retriggered quiet a bit and it gets really difficult so I just give myself some time out. I'll explore arrogance when it arises in more detail and try to pin point where it's coming from. But yeah I can already see the compassion coming. Dealing with anger is fucking hard, no wonder people all lash out. When I see it in others I'll note it too and then feel it out in myself. That's how I'm practicing. I've tried to bring it up myself but I actually start to feel either guilt or remorse, so I feel that out instead.

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