Welp. Yeah.

This is how it starts. So I was pretty much born in what I call Innocence. Which would be in Richard's terminology: Living as a Rudimentary Animal Self without a Ego or Soul.

Actually I think everyone is born this way, it's only later in life that the Ego and Soul develop. NOT FOR ME! I never let that happen and thus for roughly 15 years I lived (with a full set of Instinctual Passions) withut an Ego and Soul.

Course, during this time I was slowly inching towards Self-Extinction, and so, due to a horrendous, dramatic and shaking accident I suddenly entered an Out-From-Control-Virtual-Freedom. It was thrilling. It was also the most enjoyable period of my life.

What's enjoyable about being Out-From-Control is that one is making veritable progress, one is moving towards something, the end is also in sight, which makes it thrilling. The whole thing is Finite.

After my Out-From-Control (prior to knowledge of Actualism, or maybe I did have knowledge of Actualism but didn't connect the dots) I called the period of moving towards something (the way I had basically lived my entire life): Sincerity (actually I don't remember what I called it or if I called it anything) or moving towards something, doing the finite task.

You see it's scary (I attempted to explain this stuff to other people, as well as explain to them why I deteriorated as a human being) for people to do this because they don't want: everything to end. They want to exist forever. But it scares people because: 1) You know it has a definite end, and, this is the first thing that you've done that you know has an end, furthermore since it is finite (temporally speaking), I think, it will be over in no time. 2) I forgot what my second point was.

Because people have usually done things with the idea in mind of doing them ever, doing something finite, inevitably is as good as done when you start it, because it's finite. This "Finite Task" is also scary because it will be the last thing you ever do. It's also scary for other reasons since you will more than likely be required to perform strange things (loosening attachments), I had to jeapordize my future. The odd part is that the only way my future would have been not ok is if I did not attempt the task, but if I did it, and screw up (my future), everything would have been ok, the "universe" would have taken care of anything.

But what if I did it, and stopped halfway through for fear of screwing up my future? Well that would have been FUCKING HORRIBLE?!?!!?

So as along as your sincere, the universe will take care of everything for you, no matter what "apparent" dangers, there may be. But if you aren't sincere, and try to be responsible, your world will fall apart. Maybe.

Where was I.

Anyways, the OFC Freedom lasted only a few months (best time of my life), although it felt a lot longer.

Why did it end you ask? Well it ended because I was going to become actually free...

BUT I CHICKENED OUT AT THE LAST SECOND BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF EXTINCTION (FUCK ME!) (AND I COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL THESE PROBLEMS THAT HAVE COME UP IN THE FOLLOWING YEARS)

Anyways in the following two years I lived like a normal person, which an inflamed amount of fear, I was balding, chronically anxious, had no friends. I lived like a normal person with an Ego and a Soul.

It was nothing short of a nightmare, and I was "bombarded" by these so called psychic waves. A phenomenon that I wasn't really used to because it was hard to find any peace during any time of the day.

I wasn't used to living like this, having never lived like this before (I think).

Anyways after around 2 years of this brutalness (though it seemed very long) I accidentally stumbled upon MCTB Enlightenment.

Which didn't really lessen my suffering at all.

Then a few months later I entered an In Control VF.

And then, a few days after that, I entered Innocence again.

And here I am.


I don't know if I'll update my practice at all, most of my effort (seemingly or maybe) goes into maintaing my state.

But I might occasionally update this journal-esque thread with my day-to-day experiences.

If you're curious as to what passion(s) I have that currently most inflamed, or the ones that my "being" takes residence in, it might be nurture or desire. My guess might be nurture. The other one might be anger, I'm often angry. I rarely experience anxiety, fear or sadness though, kind of.

Random Facts about me (adding to the data pool):

I am a virgin.

I've never had a girlfriend.

I've been considering the idea that the IC VF was nothing more than the "completion" of my Enlightenment. Because during the IC VF period I felt good literally all the time. Or at least there was a feeling of goodness with me. This might be that Enlightenment is not instantaneous but takes a while to happen (months?).

I've considered the idea that I'm not Enlightened at all, but rather what happened was that I shifted my "being" from Fear to Desire, which might be why I feel better. (Still have Ego and Soul?)

I used to be a Muslim.

I've never done any illicit drugs, but have been on anti-depressants, actually I'm supposed to be taking them now but I don't.

I was diagnosed with depression during the OFC period (don't ask).

The ending of my OFC and commencement of my period of being a normal person oddly coincided with me first hearing of (or reading on the internet) of Daniel M Ingram.

I believe I've taken the following medications: Lexapro, Pristiq, Lorazepamine, Prozac and Abilify.

I met with at least 6 different Mental Health professionals during or near my OFC period, two only once, two maybe once or twice (a few times?), and the other two on an ongoing basis.

I believe I'm involved with 3 mental health professionals now, one that I see on a regular basis, another one that I might see every once in a very long time.

I'm generally happy now, ironically.

I was a firm believer in Astrology during my OFC period, and was even hailed as a master, I translated parts of Chinese texts.

I did in fact do some Vipassana during my Innocence period and I reached the third Nana which in some interpretations of the Buddhaghosa's Visuddhimagga might mean that I'm a cula-sotappana destined for SE. But as far as I'm concerned it didn't do shit and had nothing to do with the process.

I don't drink, but have drank alchohol in the past.

I seem to have little sex desire.

I was oddly good with women during my period of being a normal person, they seemed to like me, =p.

My parents were Christian, but I'm not sure if God ever really played a large role in my life, I may believed in God. The first religion that I proudly adopted was Buddhism this occurred at an early age I believe.

I attempted suicide more than once during my OFC period, it seemed to imply the idea that I thought I would cease to exist after death.

Oddly enough I was not really religious during my OFC period. It was only after it ended I believe that I may have gotten back into Buddhism and attempted Vipassana.

i think you have a few major misconceptions about actualism/actual freedom. i suggest looking at the following couple of articles to try to rectify some of these misunderstandings:

http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/path1.htm
http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/path2.htm
http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/aprecisofactualfreedom.htm

maybe talk about what your practice is like rather than just using various labels for what your state is.

some places where i think you might have misunderstood



were you free of both ego and soul you wouldn't experience instinctual passion

also, how could you be described as innocent with instinctual passion?



as i understand it, out-from-control virtual freedom occurs due to "less" self, rather than "more" self as would be present in horrendous and dramatic circumstances. although here, i have no experience, and even if i did, couldn't say for sure that it would be impossible to get into an out-from control virtual freedom through something like this.




not sure what you're talking about here



again, i don't think out-from-control virtual freedom would be like that, from descriptions of others


as you described it, the brutalness and innocence were both without ego/soul but with instinctual passion, wouldn't they be the same?



but you are often angry+have those other emotions? this doesn't seem like virtual freedom

you may have all your terms severely mixed up, or something. my suggestion would be that you describe your day to day experience, what you want to change, and how you plan to change it.

forget the life history, if you are sincere focus on what you experience, what you want to change, and how you plan to change it, so that people can give you helpful advice on what you can do to achieve your goals. if not, consider what you might be missing

Hello.

Actually my understanding of Richard's model of "being" comes from this:

http://actualfreedom.com.au/richard/konradcorrespondence/pagefourteen.htm

"

The human animal – with its unique ability to think and reflect upon its own death – transforms this ‘reptilian brain’ rudimentary ‘self’ into being a feeling ‘me’ (as soul in the heart) and from this core of ‘being’ the ‘feeler’ then infiltrates into thought to become the ‘thinker’ ... a thinking ‘I’ (as ego in the head).

"

So my understanding is that "being" (in an ordinary person) is tripartite, there is a rudimentary animal self (formed by the swirling (I think Richard says eddying) of the instinctual passions) and this animal self creates a feeler (soul) in the heart and finally a thinker in the head.

So I meant that I had instinctual passions without the soul or ego. Correct if I'm wrong though, I'm actually sort of curious.




Again, I meant that I had instinctual passions but simply lacked the "parts" of an ego and soul. Innocence was just a term I used.




Oh no, believe me, it was the thrill of it that was part of the OFC Freedom. I'm fairly certain that to become OFC VF one would have to go through some drama in their life (an uprooting, so to speak). That is my idea anyways.




I was just emphasizing that there was a distinct end to the actualism process, extinction.




Oh no, I am absolutely sure that I was Out-From-Control (and I don't mean: raving lunatic, running around out of control). If there is one thing I'm sure of it is that in those brief few months that I lived, I lived in an Out-From-Control freedom, heading towards something.




No during the "normal" period I lived with an Ego and Soul. But yes you're right theoretically they should be the same. It wasn't really that way though. During the "innocence" period my life was: ok. During the "normal" period it was: horrible.

During the OFC period: it was mountains better than anything. Kind of.




Indeed, I'm not VF as of now. But as far I'm concerned being VF meant always feeling good. I always felt good. So I called myself VF. I may have been angry, but I felt good. I don't know, it's weird, maybe. lawl, anyways.

Yeah I'm not really practicing as of now, just would like to have this state that I'm in become stable. I'm ostensibly happy as of now and don't really feel sad. It's good to feel happy, average or normal.

lulz

well, having not experienced VF or OFC VF, i can't really help you... although if you aren't practicing i'm not sure what help you are looking for. also i don't really trust "myself" with not just projecting stuff onto what other people are saying. i should probably just stick to my practice thread. so seeya!

I think it will be helpful if you were to give explicit phenomenological descriptions of the various experiences you had. Up for it?

YES Sure.

Ok so I was born. I pretty much lived like a normal kid, but I started complaining about depression. I distinctly remember this feeling, it was a horrible, (existential?), sadness that just surrounded me.

Really painful. It was pretty saddening, painful. I often complained about it actually. Anyways years later, I started complaining about something else, ANXIETY (DDDDDd).

That never really left me either, a sort of free-floating-anxiety. Very annoying. So my day-to-day experience of life was pretty painful/unsatisfying. On the one hand I'm sad (although the sadness aspect seemed to peter out and then sort of became lack of emotion, which I think is described as an aspect of depression) and I'm always experiencing anxiety, very annoying.

So anyways I basically caused this whole mess to occur (I think I subconsciously wanted it deep down inside) and the fear, anxiety and depression just multiplied. It was horrifying. I felt kind of dirty (unclean mentally).

There was much anxiety, fear, a sort of gray lack of emotion during this period, some anger, pain, anhedonia (plenty of that).

I was probably sad too.

To be honest I don't really remember much of what I felt during this period. The only feeling I can recall is a sense of contentment admist the chaost. But I DID mercilessly complain about the above emotions so I assume I experienced them. I don't really remember feeling sad at anyone point, but I probably complained about it so I assume that I might have. I also complained about a grey lack of emotion, which a pretty large symptom of depression as I understand it, I also complained about an inability to masturbate. The irony was that I still did, just not as often.

This is distinctly different from the other time period wherein I can remember what I felt, mainly a free-floating sense of anxiety, maybe some shame at who I was etc. I don't really think highly of myself back then, but then again I remember factually what I was (but maybe I'm wrong).


The "normal" period was also dominated by a horrible grey lack of emotion. So I was never really sad at any one point. BUT I was always anxious, ALL THE TIME, and to EXTREME DEGREES. It sort of felt like, scraping the bottom of a dirty metal pan.

The Enlightenment period didn't really change the way how I felt at all. Although it did generate a flittery feeling, but mainly because I kept thinking about it.

The IC VF period was cool, I basically just felt good.

Now I just feel neutral, with a hint of feeling good. But mostly I am just normal.


Do you maybe just want to ask specific questions about certain time periods? Otherwise I'll just be spitting answers (maybe). lawl

:-D

Could you describe the part that you call out-from-control VF?

Also, what else was characteristic of the part you call in-control VF apart from feeling good?

And, what about the enlightenment period?

Yes, that was a relatively intense period. It was thrilling, for lack of a better term. I mean so much stuff was going on, so much.

But yet amidst all of it, there was this feeling of a home base, amidst the chaos. Amidst the chaos I was ok. It was also a very interesting time period, I mean it was filled with a lot of stuff, and packed into a short period of time too.

That's really as much as I can say, I really don't remember much of how I felt. I did complain a lot about sadness, depression and anxiety etc. But I don't really remember experiencing those. But since I did complain about it I do assume (maybe) that I did.

But I really liked that time period (in hind sight), I liked the people that I knew, the place where I was. I don't know if I liked myself, but I was like. I was moving towards something.

I don't really know if I was aware of it at the time. But there was this feeling of contentment. For lack of a better word.

But it was the real deal (I think), and you know happiness based on the real deal, there are no ifs and buts because it's the real deal. It was a solidly based happiness. So to speak.

I don't know, whatever, lawl.




INDEED yes. Actually it really was just a warm good feeling that accompanied all the time. Very fun. Ummmm, a little backstory: for about two years I basically had no friends. But during the very end of the E period and during VF I had several friends, I was relatively confident, happy, extroverted. Yeah. I felt good. I think the defining characteristic was that I felt good all the time.

I was angry, I would cry (didn't really feel sad), I was desperate though (for a girlfriend). But I always felt good. It would be like, at the core having this sort of calm (that was the other thing too I didn't experience chronic anxiety), warm, good feeling. And then layered on top might be anger, frustration, whathaveyou. Other times I might only experience the good feeling.

Actually for the most part I felt good quite a lot but then the VF deteriorated. So I didn't feel good as intensely.




YES, I'm slightly in doubt that I attained Enlightenment But basically I felt basically the same as I did during my normal period. I just became more subtle, so to speak, lawl.

There was this jittery feeling that accompanied me. I also think that I sort of possessed a sharp wit at this point. I think I was interesting person during this time period.

Over the few months that I was like this I believe I slowly but surely shifted to Desire (the insinctual passion) from Fear.

Do you consider it possible that you have misdiagnosed your experiences in some way?

For example, I would not consider in-control VF to be a period of feeling good, as there are many times in life for most people that are characterized by long stretches of feeling good.

Yes. The only experience that I don't think I have misdiagnosed, or rather I feel more strongly about is the OFC VF period. But I could be wrong. Lawl. lulz

Apart from issues of what you may have attained in the past, what kind of practice do you have now? If you have none, what kind of practice are you interested in pursuing in the future?

I don't really have a practice. My interest mainly lies in seeing what might happen as well as being as happy as possible. Maintaining the way I am, so to speak. But I might have lost it. So, whatever.

As HAIETMOBA is very useful, I would recommend practicing that during the day.

I think that evaluating your past experiences is not likely to be helpful, simply because you aren't having those experiences anymore.

Please do post and let us know how HAIETMOBA (or any other practice you decide to start instead) goes.

Troll Alert.

I had my doubts as well but gave James some room to move as who knows if he hasn't had these experiences. If one may so be inclined to think James is a troll, check his past posts. If James is really having these experiences, then he should keep posting. Either way, his past actions should condition the way we now perceive what he is saying. If he sticks around and makes sense then perhaps we don't have to be suspicious anymore.


Nick

Well. New Update.

I believe in an effort to be completely honest with you guys, that I have lost what is called (what I call) Innocence. Very unfortunate, for me. It happened during a therapy session. It seems that Social Conditioning has thus rebuilt by Ego and Soul (ugh).

Actually the situation was extremely hilarious. You see at the time I had told a couple of people that: "I felt good all the time" (I didn't necessarily say it like that). My only complaint is that I didn't have a girlfriend (inflamed passion of Desire). I would talk about this often.

So I go to this therapist. We discuss the girlfriend thing for a bit. Then afterwards she says something like (this is my assumption of her hidden meaning):

"Usually in psychology we like to work out issues, or have someone find out something about themselves, like they might say: I have a drinking problem, or I get nervous in front of a lot of people, or blah blah blah etc."

In other words she was fishing for an issue. Irony is that: I had no issues.

I literally told her something like: "Well, I used to experience anxiety a lot before, but now I don't."

Then we talked about that.

Then I said something like: "I used to be sad before, but now I don't feel that way anymore."

Then we talked about that.

BUT THEN SHE ASKED AGAIN. And, I didn't want to seem too cocky, but the big irony is that I really didn't have any problems. So I told her that I experience anger often.

Well, anyways. I'm not sure at what point I actually regained my Ego and Soul.

But I walked out there fully conditioned again.

Point in place: AVOIDS THE SOCIAL CONDITIONINGS AT ALL COSTS.



It is now like 2 PM here. I will now go eat breakfast. I will probably have to tell my therapist off in order to loose the conditioning.

In the meantime: I will be practicing HAIETMOBA. And will probably let you know how that goes.

Yes, let us know how HAIETMOBA goes.

This actually happened.

Today I was lying in bed, not really taking nap. When I applied the "nipping it in the bud" method, which is essentially just noticing that I'm not feeling good or that something is bothering me, then realizing that that's stupid, and then feeling good again.

"

Once the specific moment of ceasing to feel good is pin-pointed, and the silliness of having such an incident as that (no matter what it is) take away one’s enjoyment and appreciation of this only moment of being alive is seen for what it is – usually some habitual reactive response – one is once more feeling good ... but with a pin-pointed cue to watch out for next time so as to not have that trigger off yet another bout of the same-old same-old.

"

http://actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/thismomentofbeingalive.htm


Anyways I was sort of semi-dreaming while practicing this and thus had some weird experiences (maybe, whatever). I would like to stress that, in all likelihood I probably was not dreaming, and that I probably could have, at any point just woken up/opened my eyes/maybe got up etc.

But then again I might have been dreaming since I don't remember more than half of the dream.

Anyways what happened at a certain point was:

A "client" leaves me and my boss (I think) with some stuff in a safe. The safe belongs to us. The safe also has actually conveniently replaced the door to my dorm room (and maybe my room) at the end of a hall. My boss leaves and instructs me to open the safe without the client's permission (the safe belongs to us). So I do that, I take out a large machine that takes photos and lock it onto the safe. It flashes. However, I'm not in the flash, so I guess it doesn't take a photo of me. This time it does it again however I step in front of it.

It takes a photo of me, but guess what. I'm wearing a suit, where my head is supposed to be however, there is ust a shadow. Or like a shadow covering my head. I open the safe (like a fridge, so I open the freezer) and literally shadow-substance comes out of the freezer (all chaotic) and enters my head.

I figure, this is enough. So I wake up. And I cannot move my body. I am paralyzed from the neck down. I can sort of twitch my head. But the rest of my body, I can't really move it. I try to move my hands, maybe they twitch, but they can't move.

Luckily however, this ends not long later.

-

So, I don't know what that was. Nor am I aware that the actualism method causes paralysis. Or if that even was paralysis. But, I suppose you'll encounter odd things along the path.

Meh. I can't help think that this is a troll post. (that was written out of annoyance)

But if you are really serious, why not apply the actualism method during WAKING hours where, you know, interactions with REAL people happen?



Perhaps you were having Sleep paralysis.

Hi Harry Potter.

I'm not really sure what definition of trolling you are using when referring to my postings. If you mean: Posting interesting weird things in day to day life.

Then I am definitely trolling.

If you mean: Posting with a bad attitude, or... I don't know.

But that anecdote did happen. It really all did happen, today too.

So at least I'm being factually accurate (unless you decide I'm not).

Trolling ... because you sound so weird. I can't know for sure, of course. I'd suggest you to read up on "actualist calenture" by searching for it in this very forum and the AF website. Newbies tend to get stuck in that a lot.

As for HAIETMOBA, all of the 476 words in your post above were detailing a semi-conscious experience which, again, lead me to think that you were trolling (there is much more to the actualism method than fooling around in your dreams) . Hence the addendum above that "if you are really serious" ....

Ok, I'll just say it outright then: I'm not trolling.

As for utilizing the method while interacting with other people, I see no reason to do that. My interactions with other people are completely fine. I have a lot of friends.

As I have already said before, my interest was primarily in maintaining the happiness that I already have. But I wouldn't mind not experiencing any suffering whatsoever.

As I have already said before I'm not one of those people that experience chronic anxiety, chronic depression, or chronic irritation or whatever. My mental life is pretty good.

And if you are one of those people then roll out the method and fix it, I wouldn't assume that it would take you long.


Anyways, why are you so adamant that I'm a troll? What leads you to believe that?



There is no need to copy Richard's langauge. Especially his habit of counting words.

Anyways I actually have read the AF website, so... I'm not ENTIRELY new to AF. I was around I believe when the first AF controversy occurred (I first encountered the DhO back in early 2009 when it was still a Wetpaint).

Really? What happened to all that libido you experienced in front of half the world's population?

"I am a virgin. I've never had a girlfriend."

and

"I was desperate though (for a girlfriend)"

and

"My only complaint is that I didn't have a girlfriend (inflamed passion of Desire). I would talk about this often."

and

"But women don't like me the way I am. They want... well I don't know what they want but whatever it is they want it's NOT me. *laughs* Wait, why am I even posting here?"

YES, that is all still true. I'm not very good with women.

I probably should have clarified, what I meant when I said that I have a lot of friends: Is that I have a lot of male friends.

You know, buddies, comrades, bros etc.

I don't have a lot of friends that are girls.

It is still true that I'm desperate for a girlfriend, though to a lesser extent.

Then your interactions with other people - male or female - are not "completely fine" and since the feeling of desperateness[1] still arises for you, HAIETMOBA is entirely appropriate to be applied in such interactions (or any other period where you are awake, and not dreaming).

[1] desperate - feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with

Mmmm, no, not really. They are completely fine. I'm naturally outgoing, friendly and humorous, which is why I have a lot of friends. My interactions with females are completely normal as well.

I don't see why you have to make such a big deal out of this.

Perhaps you are projecting your own "stuff" onto me.

Day 1:

HAIETMOBA stuff.

Results are instantaneous upon asking the question. I feel instantly better, or alternatively, feel less feeling.

I find that one may rush the question out of anxiety. One should refrain from doing that, but instead, ask it at a normal pace. This helps to curn the passion of Fear.

There is no verbal or mentally linguistic answer to the question. It seems that there is a very brief PCE whenever one asks it.

So far I cannot tell if permanent progress is being made. What I can say is that my situation instantly improves upon asking it.

don't worry about that, i used to worry a lot about that issue, eventually i realized that i've been making somewhat steady progress all along but it was just tough to realize. it's hard to compare baseline levels of stress from one stretch of time to another. it takes a little faith to keep yourself from worrying about this, but realize that the worry won't help you and the faith will.



if you make an effort to just look at all of the field of experience at once, widen your attention to its maximum, which is the same for me as asking haietmoba, then yea, that might be a really quick moment of PCE. the self kind of freaks out when that happens though so it's tough to maintain for more than that instant.

it's impossible for me to keep that wideness as full as it is just in the moment when i make the effort to widen, i've tried asking each moment again but this is pretty tiring for me, so either i'm doing it wrong and i could do it without being tired or i'm doing it right and meeting some serious self-resistance. i've done a bit of a trade of consistency for this total wideness and found a wideness of attention i can maintain more or less continuously, but if you find you can keep maximum wideness continuously then do that. sounds like you're doin it right, don't worry about long-term progress, it won't help.

also, don't forget about social identity investigation. what "role" do you feel yourself to have? what responsibilities? (no need to answer here, just something to investigate)

Sounds like a good reason to keep asking the question all throughout the day, no? I'd do it.

Day 2:

HAIETMOBAing

Asking the question, doesn't seem to disappoint.

I've been attemping the nipping in the bud thing:

"

It is really very, very simple (which is possibly why it has never been discovered before this): one felt good previously; one is not feeling good now; something happened to one to end that felicitous feeling; one finds out what happened; one sees how silly that is (no matter what it was); one is once more feeling good.

"

http://actualfreedom.com.au/sundry/frequentquestions/FAQ20a.htm

With limited success.

Might just stick to HAIETMOBA. Possibly because I feel like I'm just repressing feelings when I "nip them in the bud".


So far however: HAIETMOBA doesn't seem to increase the intensity of feelings, it does not seem to produce bliss, it seems to even the passions. For example: If there is too much Fear, but little Desire, it might even them.

"nip in the bud" just means - ask HAIETMOBA when you first start feeling a feeling, instead of letting it develop and get full-blown, first

Some Notes:

You don't feel the lack of feeling, as to feel takes a feeler, and in AF there is no feeler.

You do not eliminate the feeler, you realize that it had no actuality in the first place.


The actual world, is what it is, there is no use assigning extraneous characteristics to it, it is what it is. If you expect AF to be a constant 24/7 experience of unmediated clarity there you might be experiencing an ASC.

More stuff.

It seems there is now a slight resentment to asking the HAIETMOBA question.

My level of anxiety is now higher then before.

Seems as if HAIETMOBA has lost its efficacy.

Although to be honest, I haven't really been doing it.

perhaps instead of asking the question you can think of it as just paying attention to a certain part of what is going on in experience.

i couldn't get past the verbal nature of the question so i always ended up just ,mentally saying the words which was very tiring. try just paying exclusive attention to what you are smelling, tasting, hearing, seeing, thinking, and physically feeling (not emotion but physical sensation). the manner of your attention should be "still" in that you aren't reaching out or pushing away at bits of experience and "panoramic" in that you are looking at all of it at once. that's the type of attention that "haietmoba" creates, so if you are more comfortable paying attention in that way instead of asking the question, i think the effect would be the same.

also, it will keep becoming easier and easier if you try to do it as often as possible with a balanced amount of effort.