Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 2:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Freya . 6/23/22 4:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 7:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Freya . 6/23/22 10:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 11:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Freya . 6/23/22 12:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 12:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 7:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 11:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/23/22 12:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 12:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/23/22 4:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 5:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/23/22 5:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 5:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 5:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 12:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/24/22 8:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 8:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 1:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/23/22 5:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 12:53 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 2:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 7:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/24/22 11:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/25/22 4:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/26/22 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/26/22 7:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/26/22 8:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Chris M 6/26/22 10:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/26/22 11:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Smiling Stone 6/27/22 11:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 george 6/27/22 4:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/27/22 6:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 george 6/27/22 6:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/27/22 8:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Papa Che Dusko 6/27/22 1:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/30/22 1:30 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Papa Che Dusko 6/30/22 2:57 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/30/22 3:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/30/22 4:39 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 2:49 AM
Created 8 Days ago at 6/23/22 2:18 AM

Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
In this log I will, for th purpose of seeing patterns in hindrances, report contextual data such as diet, medication, sleep, exercise, and hormones (feel free to skip that part of it's too much information). 

Got up early after about 6 hours of sleep. Remembered to take morning ADHD medication. Took time to set up altar with fresh flowers, water, light and three prostrations. Then worked for a couple of hours before breakfast (work I had procrastinated yesterday and that had to be done before the morning meeating today). Breakfast included healing food (fresh artichoke) but also some butter and rape seed oil. Lovely weather, breakfast outside, good mood in spite of probable pms. 

Short Kundalini Yoga session aiming at healing acute depression: https://youtu.be/UH7ATSiP2y4
It demanded lots of concentration from me, getting the mudra and the gaze right while chanting the mantra fast. For intention I chose Bodhicitta. Nice effect. 

Time to take ADHD medicine again and go to work. I remembered to take the medicines. I hypothesize that this will improve concentration, as it should. There will be a close to 30 minutes fast walk to work, mainly through the woods. 

Edited to add: during my walk to my work place, I did the Yi Rang, which is a simple but rich Tibetan antidepressant practice involving sympathetic joy and wishing all beings well (while also baking into it fresh air, daylight, leaving one's home, regularity, the throat chakra for intention, karma, etc.). I also listened to the dharma (a short section of Tantra Illuminated by Christopher Wallis) and incorporated some of my liberating movements (improvised, feels good for the energy body). 
Freya , modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 4:28 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 4:28 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 16 Join Date: 8/15/21 Recent Posts
Hi

My earlier message to you also disapeared for me too (I saw your message on the technical board). I've been reading your log, but I  can't find your Stream Entry experience on your logs. Would you mind posting it here? I've had quite a few experiences like yours and interested to hear about your perspective. 

Thank you 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 7:27 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 7:26 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Sure! No problem.

​​​​​​​Hi Freya and welcome to this forum! I hope you will like it here. 

My stream entry was reported in my second log, and the search engine here leaves a lot to be desired, so here’s a link: 
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/11357415#_com_liferay_message_boards_web_portlet_MBPortlet_message_13066184
I hope it works. Look for March 20th, 2019.

​​​​​​​Edited to add: It looks like you need to scroll up. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 7:41 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 7:36 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Contextual data:

During job meeting before noon there were energetic tinglings at the back/crown of my head, which seems to be a good sign for now. There was also spaciousness. When the ADHD medication wore off, the fading of focus and motivation was obvious. I took another pill (I'm suppused to take 2-4 per day, but lately I have mostly just taken one). It helped, for the purpose of work. 

Around noon I had some sweet fruit. That might backfire, we'll see. 

Worked some more. Now I'm on my way home and I'm taking my fourth pill of ADHD medication, the last one for the day. I'll see if that's helpful or too much. Walking home through woods. 

Time to clean my apartment with help from housing support due to disabilty. I'll try to squeeze in some lunch there as well. Contractions due to stress, as I'm late for the appointment. Trying to take in the space and connect with the elements, as well as grounding myself in abll the senses (the fragrance from the woods especially). Yeah, that actually helps.
Freya , modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 10:47 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 10:47 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 16 Join Date: 8/15/21 Recent Posts
Thanks! I've been reading for ages, but have only posted once. 

Your log 2 stops at 2/20/19, although I can see the March links, they don't work for me. So I can't see it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 11:01 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 10:58 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Freya .
Thanks! I've been reading for ages, but have only posted once. 

Your log 2 stops at 2/20/19, although I can see the March links, they don't work for me. So I can't see it. 


Sorry to hear that! There’s a whole series of posts around that time and I think they should be read in context, so I’m afraid you will either have to wait for the technical solution or try changing from flat view to tree view. It’s up in your right corner on the screen, once you have opened the thread (it's within the thread) - very easy to miss. You probably have flat view now, so you need to click on tree view. I suspect that should fix the problem. So sorry for all the trouble!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 11:52 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 11:50 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
More contextual data:

It was my favorite housing support person, someone who adds energy rather than drains. That's a positive factor. 

On the negative side, I took my antidepressants too late and had lunch too late, in the midst of hurrying to clean the apartment and going through papers within the support time, and I also ate too fast.  That led to a sudden anxiety attack, the kind where the body shouts "If you don't stop and breathe RIGHT NOW, I will make you throw up, and you wouldn't like that now, would ya?" On the plus side: That's my favorite kind of anxiety, because it is so straightforward and can easily be transformed into pleasant streams of energy if I just surrender to it and lay down to let things disentangle. 


Some phenomenology:

So I lay down to let things disentangle, which was awesome. I could feel the nausea transform into pleasant energy waves and light.

Contextual data again: ... That is, until an alarm went off, after 15 minutes, and I realized that I was about to be too late for an appointment to pick up a secondhand bargain. This was the second time I was about to miss it, because I had one of those days yesterday where everything went wrong, so this time I called a cab and contacted the seller and let her know that I was on my way and would be a few minutes late - which was okay, thankfully. 


Practice:

So now I'm connecting with the external elements and my senses in a little park on the way home from that seller, with my feet in the water. I might as well let the disentangling happen here, at least part of it, enough for me to be able to walk home without risk of throwing up. 

...

Weird mix of thoughts about fleeing home (because of people and noice and bodily symptoms) and energy body opening up to spaciousness at the same time. Breathing is easy. Gaze is widened. Stomach ache and tics and other bodily tensions. Pleasant vedana from contact with the elements and some sensory input, unpleasant veda from some other input, all mixed up. 

...

When I connect with the outer elements, I also connect with the inner elements (dualistically speaking). That happens automatically. It's a way of tuning into different qualities. I think that for me the elements fill the role that the yiddam fills for tantric practicioners. It's much easier for me to relate to the elements and merge with them to feel the qualities "in me" than having to involve a persona. I'm not a very social person. The elements feel cleaner and more direct and less complicated. I feel like I have a good relationship with the elements. No unnecessary chitchatting there. 

I notice that some Tibetan everyday magick practices happen automatically. When I encounter happy beings I do the Yi Rang. When a child cries, I sing Om mani padme hung until they are happy again. 

...

More ease and spaciousness now. Just sitting here among the birds with my feet in the water. Will continue to do that for a while and then walk home, when the body says yes to that. It's a lovely weather. Doing metta on the birds and insects and the occasional dog. Not so actively on the people right now (they are scaring the birds and/or feeding them with bread that will make them sick).
Freya , modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:07 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:07 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 16 Join Date: 8/15/21 Recent Posts
Perfect thank you, the tree view totally sorted out the problem, I'll take a read later. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:32 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:32 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Freya .
Perfect thank you, the tree view totally sorted out the problem, I'll take a read later. 



Oh yay! I’m pretty content with having found that solution on my own. I have no idea why it works and no idea how I got the idea. It just struck me that it might do the trick. Programming works in mysterious ways, just like life in general. Gotta find the hacks.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:48 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:48 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Yeah? That thread clearly shows that I came up with the idea. That's why I reported it already in my post about the problem. I changed to tree view because I wanted to read Freya's post. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 1:01 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 12:51 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I just wanted for someone to solve it technically so that people won't have to change to tree view just because they want to read invisible posts. I never learned programming but I have no difficulties finding user hacks. 
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Chris M, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 4:57 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 4:57 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 4421 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Yeah? That thread clearly shows that I came up with the idea.

Linda, did you think I was disagreeing with you?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:08 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:08 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Some schamanic dance, or whatever it is, before supper. Both lunch and supper were consistent with a low histamine auto-immune paleo diet. About half an hour of yoga after supper. Much more space in the body now, flexibility and lightness. Stayed in shavasana for about 25 minutes after the yoga session. Went through very light bit clearly recognizable versions of all the formed jhanas. Got into something that started to morph into the first formless realm, without getting entirely formless, but then jhanic factors started to dissolve. Loud nada sound now, easy breathing, bliss. Yay! However, I have developed allergic rashes, possibly from the yoga mat (I used one made of wool). That's curious. Oh well, they don't really bother me. Oh, that's right, full ADHD medication tends to increase my sensitivities. I believe it's worth that price. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:14 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:14 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Chris M
Yeah? That thread clearly shows that I came up with the idea.

Linda, did you think I was disagreeing with you?

No, not at all, but I wondered why you posted the link. It seemed like you implied that the thread showed where I got the idea, but it didn’t, so I was a bit confused. That's all. What did you mean? emoticon
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Chris M, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:21 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:21 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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I meant to show that you came up with the idea on your own - posted smiley and all.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:35 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:30 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Oh. Well, that was nice! Thanks! 

You need to put in more context in communication with me, lol. Smileys don't really say much, as people smile for so many different reasons. At least that's my impression. Autistic over here. 

Sorry for not seeing that you were being so kind! 

Edited to add: When there is so little contextual information around something, it tends to make me uncomfortable, because I can't see what the point is, and that makes me consider all possible alternatives from earlier experiences, many of which weren't nice at all. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:50 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/23/22 5:48 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Sorry about that! It's a very old survival strategy, deeply ingrained, too often well needed, and not yet disentangled. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 12:40 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 12:40 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Thankyou Chris for explaining what you meant so that I could see that pattern for what it is! That's very healing. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 12:53 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 12:53 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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I had too much energy to sleep until very late (or early, depending on how you see it), and so I got hungry and ate some coconut (dried), which is supposedly okay with the elimination diet. It didn't agree with me at all. My tongue felt like fire and the rashes got worse. So now I have a hangover from the (pseudo-?)allergic reaction and from lack of sleep. There were thoughts that I probably shouldn't take the ADHD medicine, but instead let my body rest, but then I remembered that thoughts like that are what have made me take too little medication, which certainly hasn't worked well. My body is incompatible with itself. No wonder I'm struggling with hindrances. 

Took medication, aiming at getting out in my little garden. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 2:09 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 6/24/22 2:09 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Tulsi tea in the garden, medication, several chapters of Tim's book, and watching my cat sleep peacefully in the hammock, made the hangover go away completely. It really can be that transient. It's Midsummer Eve in Sweden, so I'm free from work (we are efficient about holidays in Sweden, so we even move the summer solstice to a Friday in order not to ruin the work week too much). I plan to spend the day alone, doing yoga and meditating at a forest lake. 

Conclusions so far: I need to stop expecting meditation to fix my life and instead fix my life in order to get meditation to work. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 7:44 AM
Created 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 7:44 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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About 70-80 minutes of reclining meditation, just allowing the breath to be pleasant and letting the focus be wide. Definitely jhanic territory, but with vague contours. I think I glided back and forth between the first three jhanas. Strong and lingering afterglow. 

The process communicated to me that it was time to meditate, just like it used to do. Or maybe I listened, like I used to do.

Before that I was having a food reaction. It seems that seeds are off limit now. Elimination diet is needed again, like I was beginning to suspect. 

I just took my third ADHD pill (after the session). I started a couple of hours later than yesterday, so I won't take anymore today. 

No dullness during the session. There were distractions in the beginning, as I had just listened to a youtube video by Forrest Knutsson on the tranquil breath, and I was eager to comment. However, I chose to listen to the inner calling instead. I ended the meditation not because I lost motivation or got dull or distracted, but because the process told me that it was time to be physically active. 

To anyone with ADHD reading this and wondering about medication: it definitely helps with the practice, and those (like B Allen Wallace) who claim that anyone can be free from ADHD just by training their mind, they simply don't know what they are talking about. Maybe it is theoretically possible if you train enough, but I don't see that much training happening without help from medication. 

For context, I set up the altar properly today and I enjoyed doing it as a tribute to Bodhicitta. 
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Chris M, modified 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 8:02 AM
Created 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 8:02 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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I have a tendency, sometimes good, sometimes bad, to be very concise when I comment, so I'll add more context next time. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 8:22 AM
Created 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 8:22 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Thanks! Much appreciated. You know, you used to scare the crap out of me. You don't anymore. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 11:32 AM
Created 6 Days ago at 6/24/22 11:32 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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No lake today. I'm having Kundalini symptoms, and there's no way I'm going into any traffic. This was a bit unexpected. I should know by now that when I explicitly say that I miss them, they usually come back, but it surprises me every time. Anyway, they are welcome. I'll listen and learn. 

It's not bad really. I know that I need to surrender to it. As for now, it seems to want fasting and gentle yoga and silence and stillness and staying close to the ground, alone. When I obey, energy flows pleasantly. I can't really do much, but I don't need to. With Kundalini flowing, there is no such thing as being bored. Just touching the yoga mat with my palms without moving them is incredibly fascinating and fulfilling in a strange way. It's so tangible and apparently there, present and vivid, while at the same time totally nebulous. 

Easy breathing, loud nada sound. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 5 Days ago at 6/25/22 4:15 PM
Created 5 Days ago at 6/25/22 4:15 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Too little sleep followed by food reaction (peanut butter for sleep, actually recommended by a Lama; works like a charm, but right now it stagnates energy). Somewhat low. Period. Altar. Lots of rest and tulsi tea until I could retain food. Clean, healthy food. 

Shamatha and liberating dance, then shamatha again. Peaceful, nothing special.
Phase of embodied irritability and contracted fascia; stretching helped. 
Playing with singing bowls on body. Lots of stillness. Something (decentering?) is going on with the senses, but it's very subtle. The nada sound draws focus. Featherlight tingles in the face. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 6:10 AM
Created 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 6:10 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Contextual data:

I remembered to take enough medication yesterday, and so far I have done the same today, although I almost forgot to take the morning tablet of ADHD medication because I didn't feel foggy. I've had enough sleep, and I woke up early feeling fine. One of my cats was sleeping on my chest, which was sweet. He was keeping me warm. That was much needed, because I had been coldsweating for hours, sweating out the pms and all the excess water that comes with it. So definitely a hormonal change. I'm able to retain food now but I'm keeping it simple. The system seems to prefer very few ingredients at a time right now. No dairy, no grains, no starch, no seeds, no legumes except for sprouts for the time being. Some fruit seems to be okay, though, thankfully. I started the day slowly, with listening to some wisdom and having some tulsi tea in my little garden, accompanied by cats, and finished Tim's lovely book after making up the altar properly. Then when it got too hot out there, I went inside to practice. It feels like my physical body and energy body are rather in tune with each other today. 


Practice so far:

Yin yoga (which for me is very meditative; I can feel the rhythm of the attentional system and how things move around in the body on different planes).

A brief session of gentle yoga aiming at creating space in the body

20 minutes of sitting in one version of seiza posture, balancing at the edge of first jhana, noticing hindrances come and go and how subtle differences make the change. I got to first jhana by tuning into the silence interspersed in the nada sound, or the stillness interspersed with mind movement. I played with noticing how I constructed a center from which that space came even though there is no such center or space, and with letting it spread. Delicate balancing.

10-15 minutes of mindful movement mixing yoga and stretching with flowy spontaneous movement and making sure that it involved enough of the kinds of movement that makes the lymph flow. 

20 minutes of sitting in another version of seiza posture, once again balancing at the edge of first jhana, but this time using some very gentle pranayama. First I let the breath be slow and light and the gap between outbreath and inbreath long enough to feel a subtle pang in the heart as it demanded an inbreath, surfing on that spike of aliveness coming into being. After doing that a while, I changed to dividing the outbreath into two parts and the inbreath into two parts and synching that with a movement from mind to heart, from heart to belly, from belly to heart, and from heart to mind (temporarily assuming that the mind resides somewhere in the head region, which is a very non-Tibetan outlook). After doing that for a while, I just let the breath be subtle and pleasant. 

Some gentle movements to take care of the body.

Then lunch and now digesting the food while reclining, tuning into the stillness as well as the energy flow. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 7:56 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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... finished Tim's lovely book...

Tim Farrington? I'm curious - which book of Tim's? I've only read "A Hell of Mercy."
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 8:17 AM
Created 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 8:15 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Yeah. The California Book of the Dead. It's the fourth book by him that I've read. I haven't read A Hell of Mercy yet, but I have ordered it. I have read the monk trilogy before and can warmly recommend them. I'm bringing Slow Work to the lake now. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 10:51 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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I don't want to read more of Tim's books just yet. I miss Tim and I'm worried about Tim. I've reached out to him several times in the past few months and have not heard back, which makes my heart hurt because he was, when he was active here, smart, eloquent, entertaining, engaging, ethically aware, and yet fragile.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 11:19 AM
Created 4 Days ago at 6/26/22 11:19 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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I miss him too, very much. Don't take it personally that he doesn't respond. He can't. There is a pulse to his aliveness, and the outbreath and the pause after it are very long. I have been waiting for that inbreath for quite some time now. 

I know that he is alive, because I have him on messenger and send little messages now and then. Today is a good day. Not only did he at some point connect to internet with some device, but he also read his messages. He knows that I do that to check if he's alive, and that's the amount of communication that he can manage. 
george, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 4:42 AM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 4:42 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

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Hey Linda : ) I'm reading through your log and I like the way you approach things with a gentleness. I also like how you incorporate physical movement into your practice too! Do you do this when you're experiencing dukkha nana type stuff or do you do it just for the enjoyment of it? Thanks 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 6:02 AM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 6:02 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Thankyou for your kind words!

I'd say that I do it because I can't do it any other way. It's a constant balancing act to make anything work at all, living with a minority neuro-wiring and a variety of weird sensitivities and with the responsibilities of a householder, so I have to be kind to my bodymind. If I could go about it more gung-ho without things falling apart, or at least had the energy to do it without having to take all these measures to muster up the motivation to even get out of bed some days, I probably would.

Having said that, I do believe that learning to take care of oneself is an important part of the path (if not in the waking up, which it might very well be too in some sense, then at least in the growing up part). I want my practice to benefit all beings, and I think it's important to remember that I'm a being too. If we all neglect ourselves in caring for other beings, in the end no beings will truly benefit. I often find myself devoted to inspiring others to take care of themselves, in my job and outside of it, so it makes me happy that you seem to find something inspiring in it. At the same time, I also fall back into judging myself for being too soft, lazy and a bit of a failure, so thankyou for reminding me that there's something skillful in it! 
george, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 6:13 AM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 6:13 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 395 Join Date: 9/8/20 Recent Posts
It's very skilful I think and graceful. I totally agree on the looking after the body/mind, I just have this bad habit of pushing myself a bit too much at times : / it's refreshing to see people taking different approaches, I can relax some what, Thank you.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 8:16 AM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 8:15 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I had been planning to do another formal sit in the evening yesterday, but I lost my keys and it took me some extra time to get into my home and then I was too tired. I also didn't do any formal sit this morning or during the day so far because I went looking for my keys (which took quite some time without a car) and had to make several calls, and now it's time to get ready for work. Additionally, I have cheated with that elimination diet, because I can't deal with loosing my keys while practically starving, so I have eaten some peanut butter which I know that I can at least retain. I have taken my medication and I have connected with the elements in nature (since I had to look for my keys there anyway). I have slept decently. 

It feels like the energies are with me today, in spite of all the mess. I can feel them flow through my body, and there are pleasant tingles and spaciousness and nada sound and easy breathing. It would have been awesome to just immerse myself in meditation right now, for hours, but I can't. Duty calls. Instead I'll squeeze in a short sit now and more when I can, and I'll also try to remain mindful while working (I can't afford to lose any more keys, so that's essential). 
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Smiling Stone, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 11:35 AM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 11:35 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 262 Join Date: 5/10/16 Recent Posts
Yep, I also miss Tim !
Sending him love, right here...
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 1:15 PM
Created 3 Days ago at 6/27/22 1:14 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 2451 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
I haven't read any of his books. I'm waiting for this new book of his to come out! (I fantasise about him gone underground to write his new book, called Follow The Music) 

I keep shooting him an email every so often. Got only one reply but none afterwards. I did tell him it's ok not to answer my emails, as long he reads them. But my emails are boring. About me tending to my sick kid and me changing tons of diapers, and making sure my youngest doesn't pull our dog's and cat's tails and such. 

Yes, best wishes to Tim! 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Day ago at 6/30/22 1:30 AM
Created 1 Day ago at 6/30/22 1:30 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I have had a bad few days, practicewise. A bad spiral. It started with some solidarity eating outside of my diet. For some time now I have been supporting a friend in taking her gluten intolerance seriously and made sure that staying away from gluten is easy at least at the get-togethers that I'm responsible for at work. Like me, she has difficulties with executive functioning, and I know how challenging that can be. In order for her to accept the "extra trouble", I've had gluten-free sandwhiches as well. So ironically, I have been neglecting my own diet for the sake of supperting hers. It has helped, and it's wonderful to see. However, it's probably time for me to let her diet stand on its own feet now. Apparently she has now started to keep a strict diet at home as well, and she looks so much healthier. Anyway, I did have some sandwhiches this Monday. One sandwhich led to two more (they are so small and so darn tasty). It's fibers and sourdough in them and I topped the dairy with vegetables, but that didn't help (sourdough is actually really bad if you have histamine intolerance). And then I tasted a small amount of Italian soft drink with orange juice in it (which is outside my diet) and sugar (obviously not good, even though it's a soft drink with less sugar). So then I got drowsy in the evening, missed both yoga and evening meditation, and...

The next day I woke up late, feeling like something the cat had dragged in. It took quite a while to get in shape for anything. I had housing support in the afternoon so I had to take care of chores in my home while the support was there. I also had work to do, so then I had to priorotize that in the evening, with the little energy I had left. I did a 20 minutes sit which was awesome, but obviously too short, and I neglected the yoga again, making excuses for postponing it until it was too late and I had to sleep.

When it was time for the RtS class at 2:30 in the morning, I was too tired, so I decided to sleep instead (the classes are recorded so it's okay to miss the live teaching a fee times, but it's very rare for me to miss a live class).  I managed to stay aware while falling asleep, for a while. Then I had a great workday, got lots of things done, but somehow I forgot to take as much ADHD medication as I'm supposed to, and then my judgement slipped and I had some dairy and sugar, and then I got so drowsy that I fell asleep on the yoga mat (thankfully it was at least after the yoga, so I didn't neglect that). It took hours before I managed to get myself into the bed. 

So this morning I woke up feeling like something the cat had dragged in again, with lots of bodily pain, but I've had enough of it, so I dragged myself out of bed early and took my medicine, did some yoga and cooked an artichoke (helps with histamine intolerance) and some tulsi tea (the same). I'm breaking the bad spiral here. 

I remember that somewhere in this I had an afternoon nap with conscious sleeping. I seems most likely that it was on the Monday before I got to work and had those darn sandwhiches. 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 23 Hours ago at 6/30/22 2:57 AM
Created 23 Hours ago at 6/30/22 2:57 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 2451 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Must be terrible not being able to drink and eat whatever you feel like. I don't think I have anything that makes me sick. Well, too much alcohol and even a little hash can make me sick. 

As of late I'm enjoying a couple of glasses of red wine I the evening. Get up with a slight heavy head but have no issues practicing walking for 35-45 minutes later in the day. But I can imagine how bad it would be to meditate the next day  if I drank a whole bottle! 

​​​​​​​Best wishes L! 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 22 Hours ago at 6/30/22 3:45 AM
Created 23 Hours ago at 6/30/22 3:18 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Thanks Papa Che! Yeah, well, small actions have huge consequences for me, so I need to keep on my toes. 

At least the chain of dependent origination works with positive spirals too (I've heard there's a different name for that, but I think dependent origination is a good name for all of it, as long as karma is still happening). One gentle and really brief yoga session led to another longer session (still gentle and not that long, but it was what I could manage to fit in before work) and a brief body scan. 

I forgot to mention that I started the morning with the altar routine. 

On my way to work now through the woods, persistently shifting from heaviness and pain to spacious appreciation of the oneness with the elements beyond the boundaries of this body but including it. Hah, it really does work. Small actions, huge consequences there as well. Doing the Yi Rang too. 

Edited to add: there are theories about autism that suggest that autistic people have increased brain plasticity. That might explain why small actions leave so strong imprints for me. Together with the impulsivity of ADHD, that's a tough nut to crack. I can see why a tradition of collective renunciation can be helpful. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 9 Hours ago at 6/30/22 4:39 PM
Created 9 Hours ago at 6/30/22 4:39 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 15

Posts: 6434 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Contextual data:

Took all medications today and ate okay (some sweet fruit and strong pepper might backfire). Started the day with yoga and walked to and from work through the woods. Effective work day, physically active. Then housecleaning and laundry (6 machines). My favorite housing support person helped with the housecleaning, so no excess energy drain there. Still body pain from yesterday. 

Evening practice:

20 minutes sit (seiza)
15 minutes yoga for neck, shoulders and upper back
20 minutes sit (seiza, but the last few minutes I had to lay down on a bolster due to intense knee pain)
15 minutes yoga for the hips
20 minues sit (easy meditation pose, switched to crosslegged during the last few minutes)
15 minutes yoga for lower back pain

In the sits I did shamatha with wide focus. In all three sits I balanced on the threshold to first jhana, except for the last few minutes of them due to pain. First jhana is an excellent biofeedback system for noticing hindrances and nipping them in the bud. 

Alternating between sitting and mindfully doing gentle yoga feels heavenly. Both practices enhance each other. Meditation also feels heavenly after a busy and physically active day. It reminds me a bit of a fun exercise we used to do in swimming school when I was a little kid: running around and around in the pool, all of us, to make the water flow round and round, and then lay down and float and find ourselves floating round and round. A day with lots of motion makes the mind flow so pleasantly (energetically) until it settles in relative stillness. It feels like floating in a gentle stream. 

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