Siavash's Log 9

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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 7/29/22 9:26 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 7/29/22 9:26 PM

Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
There has been a conflict going on. I get an impulse frequently, to record experiences, and another impulse to share, but each time immediately a question follows: Why. And then there is silence. Just silence. I guess the impulse hase more power than the rational mind. I've been trying to work with fear and insecurity, and the fear and insecurity wants to survive by these impulses.., let's do this, let's not do that.... I guess I am throwing a piece of bread to it to silence it, or whatever.
It reminds me of Ayn al-Quzat Hamadani's letter. He wrote something like:

I truely don't know that what I wrote is virtue or vice,
I wish, once for all, I would become an ignorant, so that I become free of myself,
If I write something in stillness or motion, I'd become extremely affliected with it,
If I write something in the path to God, I become afflicted too,
Whatever I write it wouldn't befit,
If I don't write it wouldn't befit,
If I say, it wouldn't befit,
If I stay queit, it wouldn't befit,
If I recount this, or not recount this, it wouldn't befit,
If I become silent, it wouldn't befit either.
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 7/30/22 12:10 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 I've been practicing for around two weeks, because my life got to a point that I noticed I won't be able to make any helpful decisions without helping my state of mind first. I've been doing audio recording, hoping that later I put them on text, but as I said above, there is a conflict there. And based on history, what is likely to happen is that, I'll forget about the recordings, and some years later I will accidentally find it, and think, why the hell I had recorded this shit, anyway. So I guess I'll write the things that I found important, because, it wins!

Been doing fire kasina, body/breath awareness and See-Hear-Feel combinations. First 4-5 days there was lots of sleepiness and long sleep, over 10 hours each time, once I slept for 17 hours. After about a week the tension in the body decreased, and there were some findings about emotions and etc. One thing I found helpful was that I get a tension in the body whenever there is a conflict in the view, or something happens that is different from my expectation, or I am exposed to a view that is different from my expected view. In the early part I thought the tension in the abdomen is mostly fear, but then I noticed it could be that it's fear and grief, because I noticed more tension in my neck and throat, and noticed tht usually the tension arises first in the neck, throat and back of the head, its lower part, and around the eyes sometimes, then it arises in the solar plexus and lower belly. So instead of focusing on the abdomen, I put the attention on the neck region, and that helped a lot with reducing tension in the whole breathing. Breathing became way easier. Then I remembered that when covid first hit and I got sick and hack difficulty breathing, I had noticed this, and I'd do it sometimes in bed at that period.
I noticed again and again, that relaxing the body is way important for me than trying to stabilize the attention or increasing the clarity or whatever, because I am aware of the whole body most of the time, and have no difficulty keeping the attention steady for good duration, but over efforting causes tension, and that prevents the body-mind from opening.

Noticing the beauty and stillness in the external visual object would easily bring equanimity and concentration, and I was surprised that I don't use this much, and it has been available for me for years, but I just forget it. Last few days I started listening to Rob Burbea's jhana retreat, not because I wanted to do jhanas, but because I was dissatisfied with everything, and wanted to have an anchor for the attention, and his voice is a good one for me. And I found loads of helpful points in his talks. I had heard and noticed all of them before, but some of them didn't resonate this much before. One thing he reminded was that if you can get piti, you can have access to the jhanas, and I was trying to get piti, thinking that it desn't arise, and may not arise, while it was all around, just wanting to be seen, and remembering that I had it easily on and off cushion. When you can't see it, you can't see it, simple.

I followed my plan successfuly with practice and with changing some destructive habits. It went relatively good. Then two days ago I noticed I am over efforting again, frequently wanting to have different result. I thought that the next day could be a difficult one especially because it was Friday, and important to me for my life situation. Yesterday (yesterday on calendar, for me it's all today, since the aversion to sleep arose again and I have stayed away these two days) I got some negativity, then forced myself to go forward and it was very good for some hours, then all hell broke loose. The self-sabotage dial went to 11, and self-worth dropping down. But it was interesting, as if one foot stands firm, I watched and let all the negativity to unfold, and I watched this other part that stayed firm, saying .. I don't care, I won't let you destroy all of it, I've done work for this for valid reasons... . Very interesting. Different emotions arose and passed with high intensity, weakness, strength, joy, grief, anger and frustration, and sometimes expressing them in bold ways, like the flood that yesterday killed all those people, it settled down after it killed them, and then there was stillness, with a crushed body. I had stopped practicing and had opened my computer after two weeks, but the piti and vibrations that had difficulty spreading, started to spread (Different though -- slower, wider, in larger areas, so a shift..). I watched the videos of the flood with a rational view, not getting emotional at all. But when the rain started becoming crazy here, then it changed. Each positive and negative vedana caused a cry, without becoming a fully formed emotion, the rational mind was not involved, it was pure energetic and emotional. Then letting go. The sun has come up, but the clouds are standing there, staring at its eyes, telling, we will give you water if you give us blood.
 
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 7/30/22 5:48 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1872 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
This sounds really good. I'm glad you are writing down the things that interest you. Even if we outgrow our current ideas, I feel that writing them down helps us understand things better now and helps make the progress happen. So sure, at some point we will look back from a new position, but it's good to honor the truth of where you are at now, the things you are thinking about now, the things you want to explore now...

Practice and development is always going to be messy. Especially if we are looking at it from the inside. It's funny, people outside of us don't usually see our internal troubles and challenges, to them it might just seem like were getting better and better through our practice...

But practice is always messy. That's just the way the human mind/heart grows. It can be really tempting to stand apart from our self an judge it by taking an extreme view (I'm doing great, or I'm doing awful) but real practice is both good and bad, easy and hard, fast and slow --- and there is no need to judge it. It is what it is. It's necessary that it is a big mess, we are tearing things down at the same time we are rebuilding things better.
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 7/30/22 7:21 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Hi Shargrol,
Thank you, this is encouraging.

In the last month or so, I got to work on my view of my self-worth, and how I handle uncertainty, based on some psychology content (Mark Douglas) that I found. And it was very eye-opening, and of course painful to notice. Before that, although I knew that there is issue with self-worth, but it wasn't clear to me how serious it is, and how a set of limiting beliefs are formed in my body-mind, and my habits and the energy trapped in them are formed around those limiting beliefs. Also because of not handling uncertainty well, and not seeing from a probabilistic lenz, I get to have certain expectations, and the expectations are determined based on those limiting beliefs that say I don't deserve this or that, and when the expectation is not met, it becomes painful, but also when things start going well, the expectations and the beliefs say that I don't deserve it, so this shouldn't be right, and there should be a problem, so I shift into a self-sabotaging mode, and cause that same problem that I had projected. This always keeps me in a prison, that I am not even aware of the prison, and I find other explanations for it. I remember when I left university, and didn't finish my grade, in the few years before that, I always felt guilty, very painfully, that I was very good at school but my siblings were not like that, I just couldn't accept that, and one day I found myself bringing all kinds of justifications about why it's better to not finish my grade, and not get that certificate, that I had passed most of the courses for it.
So the last month, I started investigating how these have formed my life. It seems that it has had positive effect and a course of improvement has started happening, however painful that it gets sometimes, which is okay. I see the exact same patterns in my family members, and a lot of things are getting clearer. So there may come more messiness, but that's okay too.
Thanks.
 
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 7/31/22 3:39 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday:
It seems that the body-mind has shifted to Equanimity territory. There is openness and spaciousness, tranquility, and a nice feeling sometimes in the body, that can be accessed easily when it's not there. The mental images of the head and face are clearer, and a lot of times in the center of attention. The mind is less inclined to practice, or pay attention, and there is more vibrations and energy currents, moving in a smooth and gentle way. Yesterday the lundar calendar was 29th of the month, and that might be relevant. Often around the 14th and 28th of the month, it gets emotionally difficult for me.
During a couple days in the last week I guess, I had a lot of repetitive numbers, frequently noticing them, then they were gone. Very interesting that after the intense emotions subsided last night and openness arose, I notice these numbers again frequently.

Another point that I found very helpful in Rob's talks, was the point he made about directionality, that instead of seeing the perceiving as if I am over here, paying attention to a sensation over there, see it in a receptive mode, like there is no directionality, and I just keep receiving sensation after sensation.
Another good point was mixing the breath with piti or sukha, or equanimity, and spreading those qualities to the space of the body as the breath spreads in that space.

Sunday:
I feel that not having equanimity with not having equanimity is one of the things that causes me a lot of trouble, and I keep forgetting it. I feel that faith would help to remember this easily. I wish neko is well whereever he is, his triad is helpful here: Faith, Patience, Curiosity.
There has been some sensations that I think are in the mid or high Eq territory. Beautiful violet and purple colors filling the visual space with eyes closed, that while flickering, contract into smaller and smaller circles, while other bright and dark lights and colors expand out into bigger circles, and slow energy currents in the body that feels like ice-water drops on the location, or like a joint melts down into pleasant sweet ice-water. Though it didn't stay long and there is slightly low mood after that. 
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 7/31/22 6:45 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1872 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
"I feel that not having equanimity with not having equanimity is one of the things that causes me a lot of trouble, and I keep forgetting it."<br /><br />

This is a very very good observation.<br /><br />

In a way, the stages of "Desire for Deliverance" and "Reobservation" are our training grounds for really learning to be equanimous with icky sensations, emotions, and thoughts. They are basically designed to give us opporunities to face the stupid aspects of our mind and NOT try to fix it. Instead we just need to let the crazy come up, love it, and learn to be equanimous with the apparent imperfections of these stages. It can be really helpful to remember these nanas and notice when they happen. It makes it much easer to see through all of the "worrying, planning, and wanting to avoid or escape" that is associated with Desire for Deliverance. It makes it much easier to see through "I have a My Problem(s) that I need to battle with in this moment"&nbsp; that is associated with Reobservation.<br /><br />

When you can see these nanas as nanas, it's much easier to say "okay crazy mind, do your crazy thing, I'm just going give up trying to fix you and I'm just going to follow along and watch what you do".&nbsp;<br /><br />

It's very common to go through a period where DforD and Reobs shows up for a while and then EQ shows up and it keeps going back and forth -- almost like our mind is training us to realize: "okay, if I don't fight these bad stages or try to push them away, then my reward is settling into EQ. But if I resist and hate one part of my mind with the other part of my mind, then I'm denied the relief of EQ. This is training me to love and accept all of my quirks and imperfections. This is training me to remember that mind problems come and go and that when I'm having a problem it's not the end of the world." emoticon<br /><br />

The difficult nanas really are our teachers.<br /> 
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 7/31/22 6:55 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thanks. Yes, it seems that the mind is working on this training. Learning that "It's okay to let go (which is relatively easy for me), and it's okay to stay in that letting go, and not run after the thing that I let it go (this usually is more difficult for me --Fear of insecurity).
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 8/1/22 10:11 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sunday:
Tension has arisen in the head in the last several hours, with more muscle contraction in the body. Last sit the bright flickering colors arose again, and there was some coolness/breeze spreading on the body, after that sleepiness has arisen, heavy feeling in the whole body, going to bed to practice or sleep.
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Monday:
My apartment looks north and doesn’t get much sunlight. Today I noticed a little spot that I can get direct sunlight into my eyes in the morning. Writing to remember to use it. (No starring at the sun obviously.)
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Practicing: striking the bell of the body-mind with a positive thought, and watching it resonate. Waves of vibration spreading from the centers in the back and legs.
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Remembered this from the audio notes on indecisiveness:
Each choice has discomfort with it, the problem is, you don’t want to accept the discomfort of any of the choices, so you end up experiencing the discomfort of all of the choices, and an extra discomfort for the indecisiveness. You need to accept, wholeheartedly, the discomfort of one of the choices, and go with it, and let whatever happens happen.
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Evening: A rise of energy and focus in the morning. After that it’s been very difficult to concentrate, I constantly forget to be mindful. Body very uncomfortable. Distracted myself with coding for some hours but then the mind lost that fuel too. Although the emotional state has been tranquil, maybe with the help of that sunlight.
There has been ongoing confusion, inability to decide whether to do concentration or insight practice. Ah, I wrote the problem and solution for the indecisiveness above. Accept the discomfort of one, and do that.
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 8/3/22 9:23 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Monday night:
It occurred to me that it’s not just the body that I need to relax and keep relaxed, it’s the whole experience and the whole space. Which translates as openness, spaciousness and intimacy with the rest of the experience as well, that each sensation from any sense gate, arises and passes effortlessly with lightness and clarity.
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Tuesday:
Rumi has a line, it’s one of his best. He says:

Do not say, “We have no admission to that King.” Dealings with the generous are not difficult.
(Translation by Reynold Alleyne Nicholson)

I find this very helpful in dealing with negative or unhelpful thoughts and emotions, or whatever actually. Having the attitude, to tell to that thing, come, I can take/have you, there is enough space here for all of us.
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It’s been a few hours that vibrations spread out along the spine and sometimes most of the body. The interesting part is that when a sensation, especially a thought-form has positive or negative vedana that feels emotional, that immediately causes these vibrations to spread.
Part of this explanation is maybe wrong, because I am not sure if it’s the thought, then the vibrations, or it’s the thought, then a pleasant/unpleasant physical sensation in the body and then vibration, or that sensation is not in the body directly, it’s a mental form of a bodily sensation, like if you think about how your back hurt some time ago.
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Wednesday:
Today I feel a difference in how habits manifest. I have less needs. After waking up when I first noticed it, it was a little surprising, and it gave some relief and confidence, and it has been like that. Less urges have arisen, and they have less impact on the system. Gosh, this music moves me. Today the practice has been being with the old friends and their music. The dominant quality has been peace for some hours.
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This whole day I haven’t had the energy to do any practice, not even informal. It seems impossible to gather the attention around one point and stay it there, or expand it and hold objects. After having that peace for some hours, the body-mind has started feeling exhausted. Then I wasn’t careful and accidentally injured my knee, and have difficulty with sitting and walking now. The way things appear, I think the next days will be tough I hope to get through it without any serious issue. I want to try Shinzen’s Do Nothing and see what happens.
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It’s the opposite of how it was earlier the day. The needs and urges have power and the system has difficulty not acting on them. I need to do certain things, but there is no interest in the mind to do them, and I need not to do certain things, and the attention is just falling toward them, and the body wants to follow that, as if there is no way out, and I’d die if I don’t do that. Tired.
In that other state of mind, I break one edge of the octagon of the habit pattern, and the octagon dissolves and doesn’t form again quickly, but in this state I break one edge, but it quickly fixes itself and stitches together another octagon, to the point that it makes it feel like it’s pointless to break any number of edges and they all will be replaced.

Dear boy, in the other states of mind, you do certain other activities. Do them. That will change how you feel and perceive. Second, remember how you feel in those states, and strike the body-mind bell with a remembrance of that, and you know that it will resonate and fill your whole experience.
And you can go to bed. I assure you, you can get up, and nothing would be lost.
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Thursday:
Could go to bed and sleep. The body feels sick. It feels that only this room or house is real, and the rest of it doesn’t exist, or is just a faint dreamy thought, which is true. Ah, now that I paid attention to it, this all feels like a dream. This is very familiar. It’s like those realm dreams, dead city, like I am the only alive thing. I don’t remember when exactly, but I used to have this feeling a lot. It’s interesting how the mind spreads the sense of alive-ness into objects. Obviously the family and friends feel less dead than the rest. Oh, it occurred to me now, that probably I have gotten this dead city feeling from Sadegh Hedayat’s The Blind Owl. I still feel icky when remembering it. It’s a weird mix. That much beauty and that much bitterness is gathered in one person.
I think the transition from that dream space to this dream space hasn’t happened fully, and I still see it as a somewhat dreamy space. This happens when there is too much sleepiness. 
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 8/4/22 6:16 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 8/4/22 6:16 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1872 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
There is a very amazing phase of practice when the body-mind becomes a bubbling pot, slowly loosening up, slowly off gassing old toxic habits -- but it is a time of big body-mind change and can be exhausting.

The trick is to keep the simmer going, without letting the pot boil over or turn cold.  It's a trial and error process, no one gets it perfect. But we get glimpses at how nice it will be when our old "big" habits of shame and repression and fear of insecurity and anger and rage become softened, like bones and cartiledge in the soup broth that gets softened by the slow boil.  

After everything gets softened and dissolved, we still feel shame and repression and fear of insecurity and anger and rage... but it is much softer and more human experience. Not the same as the "big" experiences that we had before everything was gently simmered.

​​​​​​​I wish you a gentle simmer!
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 8/4/22 6:23 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you.
Yes I need to be careful about the "boil over or turn cold". That's my weak point.
​​​​​​​The vibrations started spreading as I read your post!
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Siavash ', modified 4 Months ago at 8/5/22 9:37 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
I was feeling very down, just dark and off, tried a few techniques, it didn’t work, then started listening to Rob, it made it a little better, then based on something that he said, this idea came to the mind: I have a desire for something that I want to do it no matter what, but there are many other thoughts, urges and impulses that are against that desire, so I decide to see them as two currents, one is the desire, the other is those urges and thoughts, and imagine that the current of urges has no way to touch the desire, it’s impossible for it to touch it. Like two pipes that are parallel, but are completely separate from each other. Although the water inside them moves close and parallel to each other, they have no way of touching each other. So I just watch these two currents move, without touching each other.
Thanks to Rob, and thanks to Shinzen for his analogy of the currents that ghostly move through each other without touching each other. That’s how it feels sometimes with people, like there is no possibility of connection.
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The music grabbed me and took me with it for some hours, thank goodness, because it’s the only thing that makes it easier to go through the situation, without causing any problem. It became very tender and intimate, like how it was in high school as if the music tears me apart, or I am the instrument, the body is the strings and the mind is the frets, and the whole being vibrates and resonates with it.
Today the murk has more depth. Previously this would happen, and also I could increase its depth by looking farther and deeper into the space, but it’s been some months that it wasn’t accessible. One or more bright dots form in the center which gives the sense of more depth.
Playing with the murk. Also, eyes open, focusing on the boundaries of sensations, where one form ends and another form begins.
Focusing on the boundaries makes it easier to notice the stillness, also stillness in the movements, and increases equanimity and spaciousness.
The trick for deepening the murk that I had forgotten: Soften the directionality of looking, and the origin of the arrow of attention. Receive the sensations as they color and fill the space.
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Friday:
I guess in bed I focus on the color statics. Then in a strange dream, I woke up, started flying, and it became super vivid. Then came back to bed, the murk was the size of the room and full of lights and melting colors, and sketches. I focused on the sketches and colored them, they became 3D, and I flew out again and these sketches had become the buildings of that space. The next time, while awake, tried it again, but it didn’t work, and I noticed that I am over-efforting, so it was expected to not work. Before flying, in the dream with family, I didn't know if my grandfather has died or is alive and felt embarrassed about it. Probably related to the feeling of guilt, that when several of close relatives were dying in recent years, I didn't go to visit them, just couldn't do it.
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When self-doubt and fear of failure arises, it shrinks the space. Makes me forget the big picture, lessens the presence of the bigger desire, and makes the mind busy with smaller issues, but those smaller issues fill the space, since the space is smaller, there is not much space for other things. Expanding the space works sometimes, but I find it’s better to bring that bigger desire in the context of the big picture. It more easily puts everything into its place and expands the mind.
I was trying to focus on the sensation's boundary, but because of bodily pain, I couldn’t stay in any posture for more than a minute. So I started focusing on the boundaries of the pain while being aware of the bigger space, it made the pain spread to more locations, but I could stay still by doing that.
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Two things to remember:
First: I need to construct hope sometimes. An easier way for it is to focus on the external space and expand it and notice the openness and stillness.
Second: When a desire arises, notice how much space it occupies, where is its boundaries, and how that changes. 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/8/22 3:41 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday:
Practicing: Noticing sensations arising as space, and expanding, contracting and disappearing as space, and the quiet stillness that is contained in and around it, and relaxing the subtle tension in the head and neck that arises when focusing.
Again, sleepiness is predominant after a few days of less need for sleep.

Doing the practice above, the mind has become very still and quiet.
I feel that the changes that have happened in the energy and energetics in the body-mind in these few years, it has started to change some of my interests, or the type of vedana that I get from certain inputs. I wouldn’t eat pepper, now I love it and use it with everything, I can eat it like a chocolate now. Or certain things that would give me disgust, now I often don’t get that disgust. I am not sure why I think it’s related to energetics, but that feels closer than anything else.
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There was a dream, I was with a friend, beside some military base, and they were chasing us. Clear fear stage. Glad to have this. It usually comes with some shifts in the body. It’s a sign of progress. Later I realized that the friend was a reflection of me. The mind had separated me into two parts, to make that situation in the dream tolerable. First they were chasing my friend, then I noticed they are after me. The mind had put that part of me that caused me fear into my friend.
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Sunday:
Since last night it feels that my heart is extended to my throat and head. It beats in my throat and between my ears. Uncomfortable dreams, with partial flying.
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I noticed pain in my teeth now, which is a result of clenching my teeth, and I had not noticed it at all. This is one of the usual occurrences of the fear stage, both in sleep and wakefulness. Also the body temperature is high, with constant sweating.
Last night some strongly painful sharp burning at the sacrum, and similar one in toes in bed, that caused the whole body to jump up, until I set the intention to stay still and could stay still.
Practice with a M.Taft video. Stillness and spaciousness arose, and body temperature decreased.
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There is tranquility, quietness, and a positive valence in most of the sensations.

To ponder about: The relationship between the thing that comes from the outside, like a noise, a mosquito, a thief, a guest, an incoming call or email, and how often I would see them as a threat (and often I prefer to keep the doors closed), to the perception of doors and windows that I had in childhood around the age of 3-6, that I would have fear of a thief or a wolf coming from the door, or an imaginary animal crawling down from the wall and entering from the window.
Reminded me of the movie Others.
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Monday:
More uncomfortable dreams. Painful energetics in bed, with lots of electric shock, but somehow it didn’t move the body at all. It was interesting.
Been thinking about how a seed of desire creates a whole world. One simple desire. And interesting that if you cut that desire, that whole world would go away. But I don’t have any conclusion about determinism. We say that if you do this, that would happen, but there is no certainty that there is “an if” in the first place. Anyway, if we go with the free will, then it’s interesting how things could be avoided by just not watering the seed of desire, or things would be created by putting a seed of desire there and nourishing it.
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/9/22 12:31 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday:
A strong headache arose, probably because of the changes today that created an urgency, and it got stronger and more stable. I tried a few things but it didn’t help. Then I started imagining that someone else has all my problems, with several more problems and this headache, and I just take their headache. And I noticed the mind is playing tricks, that if I do this, it’ll start feeling good. So I take that pain with the assumption that it will stay for hours and days.
A voice is saying in the back of the mind: Who are you trying to fool?
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I guess the emotional pain decreased but the physical has increased again, affecting the rest of the body. I was listening to Rob, I noticed that I perceive the sensations arising and passing with high clarity, but I don’t get what he is saying. It didn’t stick to memory.
The sensations shift from painful to mild pleasant. Focusing on one spot neutralizes it, then it arises in another spot. I should take this one to bed, and play with it there.
I come more and more to the conclusion, that writing is not about reading it later. Same as playing music, it’s an act of releasing, letting something out.
I should bury the rest of it. I guess I understand you Sadegh Hedayat.
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Tuesday:
Focused on the body in bed, the pain increased and spread more, but somehow it also had a positive valence with it. It didn’t bother me until it went away and I fell asleep. Because the knee still has problems, each time the body moves in sleep, I become aware of it, to not let sudden movements.

A wise man once said: Hope is not a good strategy.
I should separate the two, to have faith in myself, but not hope that the universe with play the way I like.
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/10/22 7:37 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Wednesday:
Focusing on the murk. More depth in the murk, and it expands more easily, with bright and dark dots in its center. Nada sound is loud and spacious. Tried to fill the murk and the rest of the space with the nada sound. Energy currents were more active in the solar plexus and chest and neck.
Some intense electric shocks in the legs arose from the long toes. These ones with this intensity only arise in bed, but this is the second time I think that they arise while sitting, which probably means there is less tension in the body compared to before.
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A vivid fear dream. In a gathering with family and relatives at night in an open space, a very nice and relaxed environment, I wanted to start flying because I thought it was an open space and suitable for flying, but suddenly jets started bombing and shooting us. It took a second to get it, that this is a serious situation, some or all of us will die, let’s do something, so I started running toward the people and shouting that run to the basements, but then I was surrounded by tanks that wanted to defend the city, not seeing or caring that it’s about to run over me, and I woke up, with heavy feelings in the body and the heart pumping hard. Some seconds later I noticed lights and shadows dancing in the space, which is part of the setup for vivid dreams. Interestingly, this time it wasn’t about me, it was about “us”.
Oh, I remembered the previous dreams, where I was yelling and crying out of frustration, and complaining to the people around me that you don’t understand it. I thought that they don’t understand my needs, and by trying to help me, they just cause me more trouble, I also felt guilty for doing that because I knew that I am hurting them, but that other pain was bigger than the pain of guilt.
I had focused on the nada sound and the space, and that seems to have opened the space.
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Many other uncomfortable dreams, but now I don’t remember any of them. I made a decision yesterday to go back to working as a coder, and it seems that it has created chaos.
This was the last thing that I wanted to do, and I wanted to avoid it, but it didn’t happen, though I notice less resistance compared to what I expected. It seems there is more acceptance and letting go. Probably one factor is that this time it’s very clear that I am doing this because of myself. Previously there was always someone else that I had to support, and that made it more complicated. Second, I think it’s clearer now, that I don’t have much problem with the activities themselves, it’s the fear of failure, fear of insecurity and disapproval, guilt, etc that makes it uncomfortable. Another factor is that I think the rate of times that I have equanimity with not having equanimity has increased. Although this is how I feel now, it may be different later. The dream this morning reminded me that “urgency” can mean very different things.
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/10/22 2:30 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Wednesday night:
Again the body temperature has been high with constant sweating. There has been despair and sadness in the last few hours. This idea came to mind, that when there is an intense emotion, I try this:
Put the attention on the central area from the abdomen to the crown, and communicate with that area. Notice its feel and image sensations, and ask it: “What’s going on my dear, how do you feel? What bothers you?”, but don’t expect answers, just hold it with compassion and understanding and be present for it.
Based on whatever right or wrong mapping that I have in mind, this is a clear shift from fear to misery, where the despair-sadness becomes predominant. The face has a sad expression with eyes looking down, and the face image becomes solid and is often present in the attention. The energy decreases and there is fatigue in the body, that sometimes when it becomes more intense, there is bodily pain, especially in the arms, similar to flu. And frequently there are involuntary sighs. Also, the mind becomes quiet, and the main thought-form is the images of the face.
In the last few years, I have been in this territory much longer than the other ones, but it has occurred less in the last weeks and months.

Huberman says that the important function of dopamine is that it moves us and makes us pursue things, and certain things release more dopamine than others. The interesting thing is that in this state, things that would release a high amount of dopamine and create that good feeling don’t work. For instance, anticipating novelty is one of those items, but in this state, it’s like meh, who cares. I should ask him.

If the views are what shape our world, and we have many views about many things, I wonder which one changes that creates a different mind-state. Is it the view of the world, self, time, space, body, social relationships, view of security, view of goodness, or what? Or the shift in the mind-state alters the views? Or a mix of both? Or is it about light and luminosity? Because certainly the brightness and vibrancy of sensations change from one mind-state to another. And probably one is the rate of change, which should affect the perception of time and space. Or is that there is a factor of alive-ness, and in each mind-state, we perceive the world as more alive or more dead? In a joyful state of mind, if you look at a tree, you perceive it as more alive and vibrant than looking at it in a depressed state of mind. Or is it related to power hierarchies? In one state, you perceive power hierarchies more clearly and put yourself in that hierarchy and the world becomes more defined, in another state you perceive it as a flat gray mix, and it’s not that defined and clear.

If I try to find a definition for hope, it would be something like:
You know what you like and what gives you good feelings, at least at the feeling level. You have an extended perception of time and space. And you anticipate that what will fill that extended time and space, are things that would give you those good feelings.

Now, if we remove any of these items (Knowing what you like, the extended perception of time and space, and anticipation of filling item 2 with instances of item 1), then hope would lose its definition. On the other hand, to construct hope, one should construct all 3 of these items.
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 8/10/22 2:34 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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How related are hope and desire do you think? I'd like to have hope, but if desire shows up...
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/10/22 3:07 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Chris M
How related are hope and desire do you think? I'd like to have hope, but if desire shows up...

Huh, I haven't thought about that!
It seems to me that as long as the desire doesn't break the structure that the hope creates, there wouldn't be any conflict, and the desire would be equanimized (Or fulfilled if it's aligned with the world one hopes for). But when the desire is stronger than the belief in an extended time that will have things one likes, then the desire should win, and crush the structure of hope. 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/10/22 8:24 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
About hope, it seems to me that in a “smaller” scale, each moment comes with an anticipation about the next moment(s), and what would be pleasant or unpleasant in the next moment(s). When the mind is in a greedy state, it anticipates for more pleasantness, when it’s in an aversive mode, it anticipate for more unpleasantness, but I am not sure about a depressive mode. Does it anticipate more unpleasantness, or the perceiving of pleasant/unpleasant is off to some extent? Needs investigation.
Interesting that as I started paying close attention to hope and anticipation in each moment, the sadness-despair decreased, almost gone. Or maybe is not related to that, who knows.
It seems that investigating anticipation in a moment by moment basis is a good way to work with mind-states. Makes it easier to understand how we create our world.
And the interesting thing is that a lot (or all?) of the pleasantness/unpleasantness depends on the view. Maybe not the initial vedana though. For example, if one has ringing in their ears and thinks that it’s an illness, they may perceive it as unpleasant, but if they think it’s a sign of strong concentration, they may perceive it as pleasant, so altering the view in this moment could change the perception of pleasant/unpleasant in the next moments.
As I was playing with expectation, and trying to see and accept the next moment as it comes without expectation, and asking why should I have or prefer any expectation, the feeling of sadness-despair disappeared, colors became more vibrant, and stillness and spaciousness arose.
And this creates a view, but no need to expect the next moment to conform with this view boy.
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Relaxed the body in bed, then intense electric shocks mixed with vibrations and painful tickling, from genitals and toes, then spread to the whole body, kept arising from different locations and filling almost the whole body, maybe not part of the face and head, some very bright dots and circles, as if makes its surrounding brighter. Fell asleep, then woke up in dream, noticed I am moving in the room, and the room is getting bigger, manifesting the house bigger and bigger. Hearing people talking in the house. Tried to go where they were or bring them to me, didn’t happen. Flew around in the house for some time. Tried to go out, couldn’t do, felt the drapes and windows, then moved out, early morning, then sun came out. very very bright, I thought I am staring at sun and hurting my eyes, closed my eyes, but still seeing it very bright. then it became a dark circle. Feeling its warmth in my face. Came back to bed once or more, and moved out again. Was aware and awake I don’t remember from when. Flew out again, to a place like the rooftop of the planet. Intended to land on it and be able to see myself. It happened and I saw my feet and legs landing on it and touching it. There was intense sexual feelings in the body, I don't remember where it started, with warm tingling and vibrations all over the body. On that place I got bored and tired, because there was pain at the sacrum and need to pee, also there was a kid with his mother and I didn't know what they want or what should I do with them. This thought arose that, this is first jhana, the vibration filled the whole body, but the sexual feeling didn’t spread that much. Then I thought okay thank you, I’ll do it later then, and got up to go to bathroom.
That nimita was a clear defined circle and the black one after that was circle too. That’s interesting to me. I never had a light that strong before.

Remembered that each time I came back to bed, the trick to speeding up the movements and making it fly was to focus on the vibrations in the body, or on the vibration of the color statics in the visual field.
 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/11/22 4:08 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday:
A few things that I remembered about the experience this morning:

The movement of vibrations and energy currents were upward, so the movement of the body was backward in the room and later inside the whole house that was manifested, as a result I had difficulty navigating inside the house, but in the later parts I could gain more control and move forward more easily.
There was this feeling that there is a soft cloth on the skin, and a wind blowing upward, and that caused sexual feelings as if the cloth was gently rubbing the body. Sometimes the wind felt stronger, like it moves the body parts upward. In the first part the electric shocks and tickling was so intense and painful that I thought the body may not be able to tolerate and pass out, it affected breathing and heart rate, I did whatever I could to stay still but once it made the whole body to jump up. So I intended to let the energy move out from the head, I fell asleep after that. The key thing that made it spread to the whole body was keeping the whole body relaxed, and tracking the subtle tension of paying attention that usually moves in the body, and relaxing that one, and keeping awareness on the bigger space. I was aware of two bodies simultaneously, one that was in bed and I knew it's in bed, one that was moving and flying in the space and I knew it's mind-made.
Somehow I feel a lot of confidence. It started last night before going to bed, but it seems the experience and the dream had noticeable effect on it. I guess the malleability of perception in it, and feeling it experientially that you can shape your world, at least to some extent. I don’t know.
I am going to a job interview a little later, and last night I was thinking that for an interview, I don't need despair and sadness, I need confidence, but the despair is what I have now. Maybe the body-mind tried to prepare itself for the interview! 
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 8/11/22 9:11 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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This is really good. One thing I wanted to point out is that when you turned your attention to the hope/anticipation that was occuring, it became FUEL for practice. (EDIT: in other words, instead of identifying with hope/anticipation you saw them as mind objects and you studied them as objects within mind.) So it's really interesting: all of our suffering/imperfections can actually help out our practice by showing what to pay attention to. This really is the secret to vipassina practice. 
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Sure sounds like you are experiencing jhana 2 (pleasure) and jhana 3 (soft cloth on skin). And all of this is very A&P of course.

It's important for Dark Night Yogis to not worry that a strong A&P is going to lead into a terrible Dark Night. The suffering that a Dark Night Yoga has already been through is pretty much as bad as it gets. What actually happens is that the Yogi is now able to put their attention well on all of the hindrances and poisons in the mind --- but to see them as things IN the mind, not the mind itself. Progress can become very fast, we start to see how the mind creates fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, and reobservation by "believing our emotions and thoughts". But actually, we are not our emotions and thoughts --- emotions and thoughts occur IN the mind. We are the mind that knows.

Hopefully having this context is helpful. It seemed important for me to say it since you seem to be having such strong A&P type experiences. 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/11/22 10:55 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you Shargrol. This is very helpful and encouraging.

One thing I wanted to point out is that when you turned your attention to the hope/anticipation that was occuring, it became FUEL for practice. (EDIT: in other words, instead of identifying with hope/anticipation you saw them as mind objects and you studied them as objects within mind.) So it's really interesting: all of our suffering/imperfections can actually help out our practice by showing what to pay attention to. This really is the secret to vipassina practice. 
Yes, this is exactly how it looked to me. And that there is no need to believe the views that shape this moment, or to believe the views that create expectations for the next moments. The views are arbitrary.

Sure sounds like you are experiencing jhana 2 (pleasure) and jhana 3 (soft cloth on skin). And all of this is very A&P of course.
I sometimes have these kinds of experiences, especially before the arising of painful energetics in the last couple of years, I used to have experiences that had jhanic qualities, but I never called them jhanas, because it wasn't experienced with the whole body and homogeneously. This one had that homogeneous full body spread, similar to the simile The Buddha uses. It left no room for doubt. And also the mind was malleable, setting an intention manifested quickly for a good portion of the experience.

It's important for Dark Night Yogis to not worry that a strong A&P is going to lead into a terrible Dark Night. The suffering that a Dark Night Yoga has already been through is pretty much as bad as it gets. What actually happens is that the Yogi is now able to put their attention well on all of the hindrances and poisons in the mind --- but to see them as things IN the mind, not the mind itself. Progress can become very fast, we start to see how the mind creates fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, and reobservation by "believing our emotions and thoughts". But actually, we are not our emotions and thoughts --- emotions and thoughts occur IN the mind. We are the mind that knows.

Hopefully having this context is helpful. It seemed important for me to say it since you seem to be having such strong A&P type experiences.

Fortunately I don't have worries about this. I think I've gone through so much that I can take it if it starts becoming too unpleasant. It may change later, but currently the attitude of the mind toward views, emotions and mind-states is mainly curiosity, to let them show how they create me and my world.

Thanks for your help.
 
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thursday night:
Today a few times sadness-despair arose but it was mild and in the background. Now there is calmness and confidence, and when comparing this with the despair one, the whole space is bigger now, but the space that the “me” occupies is smaller. Mental images of the body arise less, are less solid and there is less identification with it. In despair, the whole space is smaller, and the space that the “me” occupies is bigger, with more mental images of the body and face, the mental images become dense and stable and there is more identification with them. So I guess we can assign a number for the proportionality of the self to the world!
In the last 1-2 hours the whole experience feels more immediate.
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Friday:
Many repetitive numbers.
Interesting how this subtle tension keeps moving in the body as if it holds together the view of identity.
High clarity, but not many vibrations or energetics.
Usually, when there is confidence and satisfaction, it stays maximum for a couple of hours and almost always it turns into despair, but this time it has stayed longer. There is mild and subtle positive valence in almost all of the sensations, like the manifestation of each moment with its sensations has pleasantness built into it, and interestingly if I over effort just slightly, it feels like it contaminates this built-in immediacy and pleasantness and makes it less noticeable. While the space is relaxed and open, it makes the space tense and contracted.
I notice a subtle urge that creates tension, that the urge makes it feel like I should do something, while there is nothing to do and it’s time to rest. As long as I can equanimize that urge, the state of contentment continues, but when that urge wins and creates more tension and conflict, then the contentment turns into “negative” mind-states. And I guess the urge is there to protect the identity as if I’d lose my definition (identity) if I just be and not do anything. Because the identity is tied to praise and blame, either by myself or others, and by not doing anything, there is no praise and blame, so the identity feels threatened.
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I hesitate to write this, but I notice a difference in the experience. It seems that there is a knowing, or confidence, that no matter how unpleasant the experience gets, it’s possible to just relax the tension a little bit, let the space expand, and let the experience flow, and there is a relief in that knowing. And the way to do that is to be present at the exact moment when the experience arises, without having expectations about what should arise.
I think the eight worldly winds could be shortened to just two: praise and blame. Which should be related to the reward system in the mind (And the reward system of the brain?). And I guess that should be related to the symmetry and resonance between sensations and the identity view that create reward or punishment.
It seems that praise and blame, and the emotions that are directly related to that, pride/confidence on one side and shame/guilt on the other side, are the main forces that maintain the self-view.
Since yesterday a bright dot keeps arising, it’s a very bright white or yellow that quickly becomes black with a bright white/yellow border. Similar to the nimita yesterday, but smaller. Brighter than the usual ones.
Energetics: Itching and insect-crawling and sharp pains.
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Saturday:
It’s this urge, moment by moment, that I should do something, or I should be doing something, or I should be different, or it should be different, that creates tension and maintains the chain of views. A radical acceptance is needed.
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Did a few short sits with the eyes open and closed. It has been calm and quiet and uneventful. I’ll start a new job starting tomorrow and will go to the office. I have to find a new structure for the practice.
I start getting negative feelings about writing or sharing. I guess the guilt/shame patterns start operating! 
shargrol, modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 5:45 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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One thing to notice with praise and blame is there is a sense of urgency that goes along with it. In a way, the flavor (praise or blame) is almost less important than the urgency. It's this urgency that keeps us busy, defines us by activity, keeps samsara going.

We feel like we need to do something in this moment... or else something bad will happen. (We need to keep this praise otherwise it will go away? We need to avoid/fight this blame otherwise it will stay?) But actually praise and blame has already happened. Nothing more needs to be done. 

Calmness and ease often feels threatening. It feels like we're dropping our defenses or losing our identity. But over time we get more and more used to slowing down... and what a relief! Wow, not everything need fixing right now. In fact, maybe it's best to just see what happens instead of trying to urgently anticipate and urgently fix... 

Soon we really start seeing: Wow, we've driven ourselves to madness and exhaustion for so long... and wow, I can just stop. wow. 

It's pretty common that there is a warm soft crying and sleepiness that occurs when we slow down. That's the body finally letting go and accepting the calmness.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 6:26 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 6:35 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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That urgency feels like a contraction. 
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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shargrol
One thing to notice with praise and blame is there is a sense of urgency that goes along with it. In a way, the flavor (praise or blame) is almost less important than the urgency. It's this urgency that keeps us busy, defines us by activity, keeps samsara going.

We feel like we need to do something in this moment... or else something bad will happen. (We need to keep this praise otherwise it will go away? We need to avoid/fight this blame otherwise it will stay?) But actually praise and blame has already happened. Nothing more needs to be done. 
Gold!
Yes, I noticed the urgency, and the praise and blame, but I didn't notice their relationship. Thank you for pointing that out. Very helpful.


shargrol
Soon we really start seeing: Wow, we've driven ourselves to madness and exhaustion for so long... and wow, I can just stop. wow. 

This made me laugh! Yes, what a relief when/if the insanity stops!


Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
That urgency feels like a contraction. 

Yes, for me, a muscle contraction that keeps moving in the body. It's more in the fascia, though often it feels in the bones. Paying attention often creates that contraction too.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 7:53 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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I have noticed it in the fascia too. My fascia contracts regularly, in the dukkha ñana territory. And in the face and around the heart and basically everywhere. A whole lot of clenching. It's like the body assumes poses and thinks that it is the pose. 
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Yeah. I think each mind-state, or should we say, each nana, affects parts of the body more that the other parts, and causes more contraction in those parts.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 8:28 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 6847 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Maybe. I have noticed tensions in specific chakras. Before stream entry I would have strong gross vibrations in my throat every time I was in reobservation. 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 2:09 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/13/22 12:41 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Saturday night:
While practicing in bed, the breath and heart rate stayed coarse for longer. At some point intense tickling and electric shocks started arising, then while I was falling asleep, it became the whole body, with softening of the boundaries. Then, pleasant sensations arose, mostly from the perineum and thighs, and a mix of pleasant and painful kept filling the body. From what I remember, pleasant ones arose in a spot and spread in a circular area around that point, and painful ones spread in a linear area.

I sleep on the floor, but for some minutes I felt that I am about to fall, as if I am on a bed and far from the floor, which is the fear that I had for some time in middle school, a boarding school that I had to sleep on a 3-store bed and I had that fear. The body kept contracting to keep itself steady, and when the energetics became intense, it caused wild contractions that I noticed parts of pelvis and lower back are not on the ground anymore.
Interesting that the energetics caused a lot more pain in the right knee that is injured.

Later uncomfortable dreams, water leaking, uncertainty, etc. Then I woke up. The next dream became more uncomfortable. Clearly, it was my childhood self. I had gone to parts of my hometown that I had feared in childhood to go there because the people there didn’t look very good to my eye at that age. My form was current form but it was those fears and views. Riding a bicycle that I think had only one wheel and no handlebar, and heard those people ridiculing and threatening me. Then it was night and dark, and I was riding it on a freeway with super big trucks on the road, but I was hit by a door when it was opening, A giant metal door, maybe 100*100 feet, but I somehow got on it, and rode it, then found myself inside a truck, lying there in weakness and despair, and thinking that this thing will stop somewhere, and maybe someone comes here and opens this door and see that there is someone here, I may die or stay alive and be found by someone, but too tired to care about it.

When waking up, there was so much sleepiness, and burning in the eyes that I couldn’t keep the eyes open. I think there is another factor too that may cause this. The sleepiness went away but the eyes still burn.

After almost 3 years of working from home, now I don’t know how my body-mind will react to going to the office, but it’s time for a change. I have to sacrifice some of my needs and interests, to cover the other needs, and there is no going around that. There is some grief.

-- Edit:
Remembered this, something happened last night in bed that was very interesting. I was awake and had focused on the body, but I noticed the dream body arising, and I felt both clearly. My hands were on the ground, but I noticed that these other hands rose and scratched my face. Then there was some noise, and still the hands were on the ground, but these other hands rose again and pushed the ear plugs into the ears and I felt it in my ears. It was very interesting, how the mind fabricates the body. At first I thought it's the physical hands, but then noticed them on the ground.
 
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/19/22 10:48 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/19/22 10:48 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
After relaxing the body in bed, a very painful energetic in the genitals felt like cutting the body with a very hot knife, and the whole body jumped up. I had to ask it to be a little kind and gentle to this body.
Disturbing mental images after getting up, like images of the body bleeding.
-------

Monday night:
Woke up this morning with pain in my teeth, there were ongoing teeth clenching, which continued during the day with other tensions in the body. I don’t know if it’s related to sleep deprivation, or the difficulties of going to the office, or other factors. There has been tension and contraction in the head that sometimes turn into vibrations, also sometimes energetic pain in the ears, and a feeling in the toes as if something is stuck there. It could be the 8th nana, but whatever.
Last night the energetics started with one very strong tickling and electric shock that shot from the genitals and pierced through the central line upward, then there were pleasant sensations spreading, but I fell asleep quickly. I was seeing the new colleagues in the room that were talking, while I perceived myself as being in bed, also there were some vague sensations of the dream body.
Previously most of the electric shocks and tickling would be in the left side of the body, especially the left leg, in recent weeks it’s mostly in the right side and right leg, and if I remember correctly, when the pleasant ones arise, left side has more pleasantness than the right side. probably because I am a lefty (both with the hands and legs), it’s going from left to right!
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Wednesday:
The first round in bed, only a couple of sensations that felt like cold water wanting to move in the joints, that felt strong, after that I don’t remember much happening, and fell asleep.
Oh no, before falling asleep, there was a sudden thing, that sometimes happens, it’s like there is an abrupt shift in the experience, with some intensity in the head region, and the color statics in the murk lose all colors except black and white and becomes like tv snow, then it shifts back to usual. After that, usually, the body-mind becomes calm and tranquil. I heard some bee noise too before that.
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Part of me thinks and feels that everything is about symmetry. Where/when there is more symmetry, there is beauty, joy, and peace, and when/where there is less symmetry, there is pain and suffering but it can also be pleasure, because it seems to me that pleasure and pain are two ends of one axis, and having pleasure does not necessarily mean more symmetry.
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During the day there was some energetics like ice melting in a joint, and energy currents along the spine, also sometimes a distortion in the space, as if parts of the body and space fell away for a moment. This happened a few times in bed last night, feeling that I dropped into my bed, or part of the space dropped away or maybe a different change, it wasn’t clear. Still struggling with the new routine and lack of sleep, but today and yesterday I had better clarity and performance, probably because I let sunlight into my eyes in the morning.
Although the mind has been calm and confident, the body often has tension and lots of contractions. Could be a mix of sleep deprivation and a state/stage thing.
There has been intense itching in the whole body that turns into pain and burning and has caused rashes in the body. I think part of it is chemical, due to changes, part of it is because of sunlight, and part of it is state/stage related.
There is more energetic untangling happening on the right side of the body. Frequently there are currents in the right leg like cool water moving, and hard pain in the right toes.
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Thursday:
Last night in bed, very few energetics, and it quickly became spacious, with bright dots arising and moving farther away from the head before turning into a black dot.
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Friday:
Been some hours that there is an urge to feel sensations with higher clarity and notice their pleasantness. Tried to practice in bed, some strong energy currents at the base of the spine, left elbow, and knee and pleasant sensations spreading from the perineum, there was waviness in the perception of the body and space, 1-2 times it felt like the body dropped into the bed, then like it’s lying on waves and moving up and down with it.
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Last night the itching had become burning in parts of the body, today it has subsided, and the worst part of it with rashes in the lower arms are almost gone. Had a long sleep of over 12 hours, but the body still needs to sleep. The bright violet lights arise in the last 1-2 hours, it could be because of sleepiness, or because of moving away from the current state/stage that created the itches/burning/tensions.

For the past 5 days, I could stay disciplined with going to the office and sleeping and the rest of it. I did better than I expected. It seems that it has become easier to let go, to let go of the desire to stay awake, to let go of the desire to sleep, and many other desires, and that has helped with the discipline. Overall, it seems easier than I expected to expand my comfort zone.
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 8/19/22 11:13 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/19/22 11:13 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 4595 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Nice report!
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/19/22 11:31 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thanks Chris!
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:27 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:27 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Friday night:
There is a mild pleasant valence in the sensations, and a subtle sense of movement in the visual space, like it expands and contracts or moves up and down with the movements of the breath. Once there was a nice coolness on the tailbone, which usually is a sign of a shift.
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Saturday:
Practicing in bed, the painful energetics didn’t have that shooting form, they only moved less than an inch each time and just vibrated in their origin, most of it quickly gained mild pleasantness. Only once there was a strong one in the left thigh that startled the body and caused beating at the base of the spine. Overall it felt like there is a container of coolness and lightness and the energy body arises as vibrations in that container. There was a subtle sense of movement like the bed was on the water. Once I felt a strong coolness, more painful than pleasant, on the right knee, but I perceived it as if the body is in a different posture, and when I noticed it was not in that posture, I had to map that sensation to that location in the leg in its current posture, well, not I, however that it gets mapped! It was a clear example of how the perception of the body is fabricated by the mind.
I feel that the body-mind wants to experiment with the movement and flying in wakefulness, but something is pulling back. More letting go should happen first.
Still, there is teeth clenching, not as strong as before though.
In the last few hours I’ve experienced a subtle feeling a few times, that if I want to put it into words it would be something like: As if the space is a shirt that I am wearing, and for a moment or two a discomfort arises as if I am taking off that shirt, but it gets back into its place again and the discomfort stops.
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In the second round in bed, I tried to relax the body, and remind it that there is no reason to contract itself, I won’t fall, because the subtle tension kept arising again and again, and the recognition was interesting that there is no way to fall, the room and its surrounding is big enough! Many dreams, some of them vivid. In one I had focused on the sky and it turned into flying, but then noticed someone is poking me in my neck and that woke me up, it was a strong energetic in the neck. In the last one before getting up, at first I was watching the dream as a third-person observer, which I don’t remember having before and I am always inside the dream, but in the later part, I became a participant, trying to defend myself. It was a gunfight and I only had a knife.
In the earlier dreams and practice, there was an intense pleasure in the body that later became sexual, I guess that woke me up because I was worried it lead to orgasm and I wanted to get up. It was the same pattern as before like a soft cloth is on the body and a force like a wind pushes that upward and rubs the body.
For a few days, there was strong itching in the left elbow, now it’s gone and similar itching has arisen in the right elbow. Yesterday the electric shocks and vibrations were more active on the left side. Today the overall itching is intensified. Today there is anxiety, probably because I am waiting to get the new rate for house rent, and hoping that it won’t be more than 35%!
A family member is having a hard time, again, and during a dream that I was with them, while the dream was happening I had awareness of the dream, and I was wishing well for them, and hoping that these wishes with the channel of the dreams could have a positive effect on them!

As always, the thing that bothers me the most is the uncertainty. I should make this a priority in my practice.
The anxiety is gone, and there is sadness-despair. Today I notice a clear decrease in my equanimity and my tolerance for mental-emotional discomfort. Now I hear a neighbor arguing with her son, and their negative energy is like suffocating me. Again, it's all about symmetry!
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:36 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:36 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 4595 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
As always, the thing that bothers me the most is the uncertainty. I should make this a priority in my practice.

​​​​​​​Yes, uncertainty is what we must learn to live with. Trying to keep things certain (even-keel, feeling nice, happy, not upset, not painful, not troublesome) is extremely taxing and draining of energy. Those of us who have these tendencies (basically everyone) have to get past this hurdle. I suggest being consistent and gentle about it but notice how the mind automatically wants this kind of refuge. It prefers avoidance, which is unskillful, and as opposed to a meaningful examination of the immediate "problem," which is more skillful.
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:54 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 11:54 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thanks Chris. Helpful.

I suggest being consistent and gentle about it but notice how the mind automatically wants this kind of refuge.

Yes, this is the way to go, but since it's not easy, the mind tends to fall into avoidance or rebellious patterns, but I have to practice gentle consistency.

And there isn't always a problem, but the mind tends to turn a non-problem into a problem.

One thing that often bothers me about the uncertainty, is that I don't know how I will be judged (by myself and others), and often I don't have equanimity with that not-knowing.
 
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 12:27 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 12:27 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 4595 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Siavash, uncertainty was a huge issue for me, too. It takes time and gentle practice. 
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Dream Walker, modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 1:28 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 1:28 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1478 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
Be uncertain of your uncertainty,  Be doubtful of your doubt.
​​​​​​​~D
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 1:31 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 8/20/22 1:31 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Hi Dream Walker!

Great point, very helpful, thank you!
I'll take it as a practice.​​​​​​​
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 8/26/22 7:11 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
Interesting that last night in bed there wasn’t any shooting energetics. A couple of times they startled the body but that was a different kind. Mostly it was calm and cool and gentle. Woke up with jaw clenching and pressure in the head and face.
Once in bed, a strong pain arose in the middle of the spine, and it has stayed since then and keeps arising. There has been a positive valence in the body during the day as if I know that there is a source of pleasure in the body and I can tap into it. There was a similar feeling during the practice in bed, which led to some pleasantness.
-------

Monday:
Practice in bed started with strong burning in the right toes. Relaxed the body, and there was a mix of soft pleasant vibrations and coolness and breeze after that. Then some intense energetics arose in the thighs, base of the spine, and abdomen, that caused vibration and coolness to spread, then there was one very strong, that felt like a mix of heat and coldness arose, and moved out of the body from the left thigh as a flame. This is how I felt it exactly, and it was interesting that I felt that something arose inside the thigh, and moved out of the body. Some doors are opening.
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Tuesday:
Last night in bed energetics started with high intensity and became more intense for around half an hour or so. It was mostly electric shocks and tickling shooting from the genitals, then became different kinds of energy currents moving and shooting. First, it was very painful, but as time passed, it moved toward pleasantness, and later it was coolness and soft pleasant vibrations that felt like an opening. There were some dream experiences like meditation in dreams and probably flying, but I forgot all of it after getting up. Now that I wrote this, a vague recollection of the dreams came to mind.
During the day there has been arising of soft vibrations from the hips and pelvis.
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Wednesday:
Last night the practice in bed and sleep/dream was almost the same as the previous night, and the experience today also was similar to yesterday. Yesterday in the office it happened a few times that the field of experience became spacious, probably partly due to sleepiness, and it felt that my location in the space gets smaller and smaller and vaguely defined, that the experience leaned toward a unified field of spaciousness, but there was a very small point around my head that still had directionality in it, that I liked to not have that point and have it be just that unified filed. Then it went back to the usual form.
Since yesterday the itching has become strong again.
Although in these two weeks I become very tired every day, I am glad that the new situation forces me to sleep early at night and get up early in the morning, and be able to experience the sunlight and the morning time. This routine is a big change for me, and it has side effects on my concentration and clarity, but it’s worth it, and it will get better after a few more weeks.
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Thursday:
Last night the practice in bed was also similar to the previous two nights. Tonight there is fatigue and bodily pain, it could be covid since a few colleagues had it last week, or just tiredness mixed with energetics.
It’s been a few days that there are vibrations arising in the left side of the body. Today it also arises in the head. Some of the energetics that usually arises when practicing in bed, today arose while working at the office when focusing on a work subject.
I don’t know if it’s related to energetic untangling or what, but since the last 1-2 weeks or so, I feel that a sense of pleasantness in the body is almost always accessible if I decide to tune into it. Previously it wasn’t like that, and I would often have difficulty finding pleasantness, even after focusing on restfulness for one or more sessions.
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Friday:
Forgot to write this last night:
The last two nights there was a new flavor of energetics, usually, it feels like the sensations arise from/in the body, but these ones felt like an external object comes into contact with the body and touches it and causes the sensation. They were the strongest and I had a hard time keeping the body still. Today it once happened like that in the office, but it was mild. Also, there has been a sense of movement in the space, like there is a wind and wind moves the visual space. Huh, this hadn’t occurred to me before, I like the analogy of wind and space.
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There seems to be a sickness in the body, the fatigue and bodily pain didn’t go away after getting up, but it could be related to other things. It was interesting that last night in bed I fell asleep in less than a few minutes and don’t remember much. I start to remember when I write about it! And now some images arise. Yes, before falling asleep there were mental images of colleagues and other people that I know, after recognizing their images, they would turn toward me, and they had an evil face, but it would go away quickly. Today the experience looks somewhat like a dream. Like the images arise but I don’t hear the sounds and there is just humming. Probably more sleep is needed.
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Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago at 9/2/22 1:55 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 9/2/22 1:34 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Sunday:
Last night it took a while to fall asleep, and it was interesting that despite having the whole body relaxed, there were very few energetics, definitely no intense sensations.
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On my way home on the bus, I closed my eyes and started practicing. The bus was full, with no empty space I couldn’t even see the windows, but it was very interesting that the moment I started practicing, I noticed there is no boundaries for the bus in the mental image space, it appeared like I am in an open space and my surrounding is empty, or maybe there were just one or two people, and as the bus was moving, I didn’t perceive movement in the mental visual field, it was just a relaxed open space.

Although I still make simple mistakes because of sleep deprivation and lack of concentration, today I had a better performance.
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Tuesday:
Last night in bed the energetics started with high intensity and it stayed like that until I fell asleep.
Not having enough sleep is causing mental and bodily challenges.

A few days ago there was a dream. It was a retreat and Rob Burbea was the teacher. A guy, around the age of 60 went to the front to ask a question, but he was uncomfortable, Rob asked him the reason, and he said my question is not worth your time, and Rob started talking about why the guy thought that way and saying that it’s not true, but the guy was still uncomfortable, couldn’t face Rob, and kept saying that other people, even the ones who are considered socially less (I don’t remember who they were), are more important.
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Last night the energetics were relatively strong and mostly painful until I fell asleep, but I had a good sleep. Today while coming back from the office I tried to practice, but I was tired and let go of it.
The main undefined variables related to the new job and my house became defined this week. I am curious to see how it will affect this body-mind.
Last night in bed there was hard pain in the right foot like it was under heavy pressure. Tonight there is a similar feeling in both hands.
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Thursday:
Last night the energetics started very painfully, but the body stayed equanimous. Once an energy current moved from the base of the spine into the hips and that released the energy and I moved to sleep after that. I had higher confidence today.
Many times today I noticed a feeling of heat in my left fingers, and tonight there is hard pain in the right foot with burning occasionally. I tried to do a sit but didn’t have the energy. I’ll leave it for bed.
After the work in the last 3 weeks, I notice that part of me starts getting interested in coding again. I had some difficulties, like not having good concentration, forgetting things, and making simple mistakes, but in the last few days, I notice some of the skills or abilities are coming back.

It happens again tonight, that mental images arose of people that I know, after I recognize them, I notice their face or I notice they turn toward me, and their face is the face of a demon or evil being, sometimes having creepy laughter.
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Friday:
Today I felt sick after waking up, similar to the last weekend but a little more severe, but I guessed that it was related to sleep deprivation, and there was still heaviness in the eyes. I slept again in the afternoon, and after waking up, it seems the sick feeling has subsided. There was an uncomfortable fear dream, one of my common fear dreams.

And I love the smell in the air and the color tone in the space. It’s telling that the summer is over, and autumn is coming, the king of the seasons!
Among the seasons, I think the autumn is closest to death. It has a quietness to it like everything stops, and there is no movement.
I feel that I am recently more aware of the fact that I, and we are not going to stay here. Death is in the corner, and it can come any time it wants, and it’s just a temporary stay, and it’s better to take it lightly since it’s already ending.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/8/22 12:48 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 9/8/22 12:42 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Sunday:
Last night in bed as I relaxed the body there were a few intense and painful energetics shooting in the body, after that there was very few energetics, and for a while, there weren’t any specific sensations other than the touch sensations with the bed, then some soft vibrations arose with coolness, and continued like that for a while, the vibrations were spreading to different parts feeling like it’s opening and dissolving those parts. I don’t know if I was awake or asleep, because it felt that 30-40 minutes has passed, but when I got up, 2 hours had passed. After that, I had only 2-3 hours to sleep, and I got into a flying dream. I was aware of the dream and did some experiments with it, but I forgot them after getting up. Similar vibrations have been arising during the day.
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Wednesday:
Today morning just after getting up, hives appeared in the body with very intense itching and burning. Like the previous time, the rashes and the strongest itching were in locations that have energetic shootings. Maybe in treating hives in medicine, they need to pay attention to the energy! Since I didn’t scratch, its intensity went away after half an hour, but a moderate itching stayed on the whole body. Today my concentration at work was a little better than the previous days, it felt a little bit like how it was before covid.

Still, there is heat in the left fingers. Today a few times coldness arose in the base of the spine and right knee. I am expecting a shift in the energetics in the next few days and weeks, but I don’t know how it will be.
Last night the energetics started with a few intensely painful tickling and electric shocks, then there was one of those abrupt shifts that the color statics in the murk become only black and white with an energetic release in the head, and after that, it became all quiet.
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Thursday:
I finished the 4th week of my new job, and 4 weeks sleeping and going to work the same way most people do. It was around 15 years that I was not able to do this for this long. Part of it was because I wasn’t willing to accept its discomfort, and part of it was because I didn’t know how to do it and didn’t have enough equanimity and emotional resilience to handle the discomforts and conflicts between desires. I am satisfied with it, it was better than my expectations. My memory, concentration, and performance could be better if I had a less strict routine, but that's secondary, and it’s already getting better, and I am learning (and remembering) ways to use my resources more efficiently. 
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 9/8/22 6:34 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 9/8/22 6:34 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1872 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Congratulations Siavash! 4 weeks of successfully creating a new habit is a big deal!!
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/8/22 7:42 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Thank you Shargrol, I am grateful for your help.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/9/22 3:00 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 9/9/22 1:03 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 1596 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
Friday:
Feeling like the body wants to fly, a sense of subtle movement between the body and space.
The murk has changed in the last hour, there are bright lights and colors, violet, purple and white. I liked to do a sit, but I am dozing off. I’ll try to stay awake in bed and do some practice.
Today the numbers have more repetition. And intentions seem to have more power, which sometimes kind of freaks me out.
I listened to part of this interview that Daniel and Andrés Gómez Emilsson from qualia participated. It was very interesting that a lot of what Andrés explained about symmetry, is pretty much what I think and feel about symmetry.
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Again, this weekend, similar to the last 2 or 3 weekends the body feels sick, with pain and fatigue, and sleepiness. Previously I thought it was only tiredness and recovering from sleep deprivation, but it occurred to me that there is recovering from other imbalances. It is the same pattern that happened a year ago when I was in my hometown, feeling sleepy and sick which is very similar to covid or flu, but it could be none of those, and it’s interesting that some of the body-mind functions seem to be recovering faster than the others. But who knows, I am suspicious of any procedure that is not reproducible, and testing it wouldn't give predictable results, so I don’t have much trust in how the current medicine works for certain problems.

The last week I tried to use my time more efficiently and I had close to enough sleep each day, but it’s interesting that it’s 3-4 days now that I feel sleepy almost all the time, and it affects my voice (which I like BTW). So I think this sleepiness is not related to the recent days, it’s recovering from the imbalances in the previous years.
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In recent weeks and months, what I notice a lot, which makes a big difference in how I navigate life, is that there are other options. When difficulties arise, or there is an uncomfortable emotion, it doesn’t look like, as it did before, that that is the way things are. Besides that, there is a little space, which makes it possible to stop and think that this is not the only option, things could be in a different way, or I can perceive them in a different way, or I can act in a different way. It doesn’t look significant at first maybe, but it makes a big difference. Without that little space and the possibility of other options, it’s like you are in a prison, it has a door, but you think that the door is locked and you can’t do anything about it, so you don’t do anything about “leaving” that prison. But with that little space, you are in that prison and you know that there is a door, but you know that you can push the door and it will, or at least, it may open. I’d say it’s two very different ways of living.

Last weekend I was uncomfortable because I was constantly worried that the weekend is ending, and I have to wait until the next weekend to have some rest. But today there was much better tranquility and contentment, and having contentment didn’t lead to despair. Now I notice a mild sense of despair arising for a moment, but vanishing quickly, and that’s okay. For some time today there was a deep sense of satisfaction, like things are okay the way they are.

-- Edit:
Actually it feels that the contentment/satisfaction, and a pleasant valence, or nice-ness is built into all sensations. Sometimes it's like that, and sometimes it takes shifting the view a little bit, and it becomes available.

-- Edit 2:
It's interesting, today I wanted to do sitting practice, and several times I wanted to start doing it, but didn't, because it feels like "it's okay, why bother..., or there is no need to want anything other than what is". I don't want to give it any good or bad judgment though, just waiting to see what comes next.

-- Edit 3:
It's maybe 2 days that I sometimes have a strange feeling, that I don't have to always accompany this body, I can leave it where it is and walk away somewhere else. The walking or moving to somewhere else isn't the predominant part of it, but the sense that I don't have to be tied to this body. Don't know what it is, it just seems strange and interesting.
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Chris M, modified 2 Months ago at 9/9/22 6:48 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 9/9/22 6:48 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 4595 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Siavash, are you aware that mind has no location? It reflects what come to it but it's essence is not that.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/9/22 9:21 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Chris, I just use these words in a conventional way, but I don't know what mind is. Is it even possible to define what mind is?

I don't think that mind can have location, because it would mean that it's fixed in space in a "moment", but space seems illusory to me. So I don't know how something can be without space and location, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to attribute any space or location to mind, so it's a big "don't know" for me.
 
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Chris M, modified 2 Months ago at 9/10/22 9:36 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Is it even possible to define what mind is?

​​​​​​​This is probably best done by defining what mind is not  emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/10/22 9:48 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Chris M
Is it even possible to define what mind is?

​​​​​​​This is probably best done by defining what mind is not  emoticon


Yes, exactly. The same way if we want to define what God is. We only could say what God is not, and does not. 
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/15/22 12:09 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday:

I remembered now that Huberman often talks about delayed gratification and how it balances dopamine levels. I notice a powerful effect, that when something happens or I do something that I would normally like and get a positive feeling for it, I practice being equanimous with that, so the moment that the positive feeling starts to arise, I stay flat (I am looking for a good term for this), or quiet, and don’t take it personally, and if the mind is about to get busy about it, I just say to myself “it just happened, or something happened, let’s be grateful”, and it seems that this protects the mind from being poisoned by the positive feeling and identification around it, makes it easier to do that behavior again that had created the positive feeling.

On these two days, I had higher energy than all the days in the last month. Also, there was a positive valence, and feeling sexual tone in sensations sometimes. I think I had a flying dream but I don’t remember. During the day several times energy currents started moving, and there has been soft vibrations sometimes like part of the body starts dissolving. I forgot why I wrote this and the main thing that I had in mind, fuck it.

I miss you Tim.

One thing I notice, which is interesting is that I try to do a lot in a short amount of time these days, most times there isn’t much resistance, but when there is noticeable resistance, the resistance justifies itself by something like “I wouldn’t do this, this is not how I used to be”. So the identity of the past tries to replace the identity of now as a form of resistance.
Tonight I didn’t want to write here, but I did, the reason I think is that the body-mind wants to release energy, so it finds a way to do it, and this is one of the many.

Last night in bed the energetics started with high intensity. A very painful shooting from the genitals, feeling like a wire charged by electricity entered from the genitals and moved up to the abdomen, then a similar one in the sacrum, then the left foot started shaking because of the energy moving there. Then similar to the one that I had a few weeks ago, an intense set of sensations arose in the left thigh, and I felt that something moved out of the left thigh, and that released the energy and it became quiet after that.
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Tuesday morning:
I woke up earlier today, at 4:44. There is a subtle but pervasive sense of joy in the experience, and goosebumpy vibrations initiating from the center of the neck toward the above and below.
My memory still sucks, but I feel my concentration and creativity and speed start to come back.
It’s the state where any hint of emotionality, especially positive ones, fills the body with vibrations.
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Today the vibrations continued for a while, especially in the head, then in the afternoon some energetics arose in the thighs and genitals, then a strong throbbing/beating arose in the right side of the head, and stayed for a few minutes. I don’t remember having this kind of sensation in my head. It would be interesting to have the vibrations spread more deeply in the head.
Also, the energetic itching has intensified since yesterday. Now it feels like burning in the left side of the navel and left arm. I think there is another round of untangling happening on the left side of the body. Writing about the left side caused vibrations arising from the left thigh and spread upward to the middle back and chest.
Today for a good portion of the day, the main mind-state was contentment, and several times I noticed that feelings like despair, anger, and frustration arise briefly, then go away and arise again. Fortunately, I remembered that I don’t need to subscribe to the view that is attached to these feelings, and just let it come and go parallel to other things, and after a while, they stopped arising. These all made it clearer that most of these positive and negative states are related to how I judge myself, and how I think other people judge me. So both positive and negative have an attachment to the identity. I need to work on that.
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Wednesday:
It’s interesting how the memory has a layered structure. I feel that I remember that I had a dream today, it was probably flying or a realm experience that I had woken up in the dream, but I don’t remember anything about its content. Like a message format that has metadata or headers and its body, there seems to be a similar structure.
Once there was a release in the head before falling asleep, and the murk became black and white.
Today I had lower concentration/clarity for part of the day, and that caused tension in the head because there was over-efforting.
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Thursday:
I fell asleep quickly last night. Again I have a similar feeling about the dreams but I don’t remember anything. There was a few strong energetics in the beginning, then gone. The system tries to adapt to the routine, so I can’t keep myself awake to practice.
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For the previous 4 weeks I used online taxis when going to the office because I couldn’t find enough time to use public transportation, but this week I went by bus the whole week, and I was in the office earlier than the previous weeks. I wouldn’t believe that I could do it, but to my surprise, it happened. But it doesn’t leave me any time for practice. I’ve tried to practice while I am on the bus but didn’t have much success.
This week I felt much better than the previous weeks.
Today the soft vibrations keep arising frequently in the body, especially in its left side.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/16/22 2:01 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday:

I tried to do some sitting practice last night, but I kept falling asleep. Then in bed, there were lots of energetic painful shootings that caused difficulty with breathing and I had to take deep breaths, also there was pleasant coolness spreading to parts of the body. There was a dream with a big dog, it started like the usual fear dreams, but I noticed that I don’t have fear, there is only a subtle urge that I can let go of, and the dog looked very nice, so I let the dog come close, and started touching it. Then in another dream, that was the first of this kind as far as I remember, I had some properties, and in a gathering probably with family members, I told them that after I die, only these people can have a share in those properties, and I knew that others won’t like it.
Had a hard time getting up. There is that heavy sleepiness in the body. It’s like a pervasive numbness and pain in the whole body. Sometimes the numbness increases in one part, and sometimes after that, it turns to vibrations. Like usual, it feels that the skin is a few sizes smaller than the body. Also, there was intense hunger when getting up which was expected as another part of the healing from the imbalances.
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During the week the predominant mind-state was contentment, which sometimes was in the background and sometimes was more noticeable and had a mildly joyful feel to it. Today there is a mild dissatisfaction. Other than the sleepiness that causes a few flavors of discomfort in the body, there is also a mild worry that I don’t have enough time this weekend to rest. Today the space is not as expanded and spacious as yesterday. I am not sure about the sense of time though.
Although there is enough acceptance, that these differences don’t bother much, I can’t not notice the difference. And one main difference is the facial expression and its mental image, which has a contractedness.
Since the last two days, the left long toe has been active again energetically, and it still feels sometimes that it’s plugged into a low voltage power outlet.
Today I didn’t have the energy to do the housework, laundry, washing dishes, etc, and wanted to leave it for tomorrow, which can give rise to negativity, then it occurred to me that let’s divide and conquer and subdivide until I do conquer, and that helped me do them. It gave hope that things could be done in not so good conditions, if I stop thinking about them, and just do it little by little. I need to remind myself hundreds of times until it becomes habitual.
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Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago at 9/17/22 1:16 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Saturday:
I thought that probably fire kasina could help move me out of this sleepiness state quickly, so I lit a candle and want to see how it goes.
Again, I notice that it’s the view that creates a positive or negative experience. I notice there is a view in my current experience, that because of some health difficulties, it feels like I should be worried or sad because of those difficulties and I should not feel good. But I don’t need to subscribe to that view. I can be satisfied when there is or there isn’t a problem or difficulty.
The flame is so beautiful!
Looking at the flame feels like time stops.
Today there is that quietness and tender sadness of autumn in the air.
One thing I kept forgetting for days, is that it’s about ten days that when I have the energetics in bed, some of them, which are usually quite strong, feel like an external hand or object pinches the body, I think all of it was around the pelvis and lower abdomen.
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It seems that brief fire kasina had some effect. In bed, it started with two painful shootings from the left long toe and genitals, then it was relatively quiet. I got into a flying dream, and I woke up in the middle of and noticed that there is intense sexual pleasure in the lower body similar to the previous ones like there is a soft cloth that is rubbing the body, but this time it was familiar enough and I didn’t worry about it, so I let it happen. I forgot the content of the flying, and when I came back to bed, I tried to fly again but it didn’t happen. Today the sleepiness is mild, but there is numbness in the fingers. Sometimes the numbness causes worry.
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The sleepiness is mostly gone, but the numbness remains. They usually arise together, but this time the numbness is more noticeable, so I don’t know if there is something else that’s causing it.
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Siavash ', modified 22 Days ago at 11/11/22 2:18 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday November 11, 2022, 11:17 PM

No place to stand?

Recently a lot has happened where I live and that has shifted priorities. I didn’t have much interest in writing, and I couldn’t make time to practice, things were happening fast, with high intensity. I guess as a result of the new situation, I’ve started having anxiety attacks again. It’s been some time that I had recovered from that, and the amount of tension in my body was not problematic, now it has become a problem again. The interesting part is that often my mind is calm and quiet, but the body is in a different state. What I think seems to be the key issue, is that the body has fear of not having a place to stand. Previously it has happened many times, both in sitting and reclining practice, that for a moment I notice that I start to float or get away from the body, but there is a quick fear reaction and I snap back into the body. Or I feel for a moment that the ground is being taken away from under me, and then a quick fear reaction. Probably it has roots in my childhoods. Once when I was 5-6 years old and we were in our family village playing with other kids on a rooftop that had several holes (those holes were there to provide light), while I was running, I didn’t see the hole and both my legs went into the hole. Fortunately my brother and my cousin caught me immediately. I think 1-2 other ones had happened but that one is clearly remembered. Also there was fear of falling when working on carpets, with big carpets sometimes we would work 4-6 feet above the ground on a narrow place, and usually walking (and sometimes sitting) there would be a challenge.

I wonder if there is a connection between them and the kind of tensions that I am experiencing. While I am sitting, often the body keeps tensing, and can not relax because it has fear of falling. Similar when I am in bed for keeping my head on the pillow. And while walking, a lot of times I feel that my feet are smaller that what they should be and they can not keep me balanced!

In the last several days I have tried to be mindful as much as I can, and relax the body, and I did a few short fire kasina sessions, and it’s two days now that there is a lot of energy currents and electric shocks in the body, and tingles and vibrations around the most tense areas. It's not easy to relax the tension, and a lot of times it doesn't seem possible, because it seems to be in the deep fascia and I don't seem to have control over it.

Often there is more tension in the neck and lower abdomen, but I think there is a distortion with the earth element that is causing the main fear.

Any suggestions?
Thanks.
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Pepe ·, modified 22 Days ago at 11/11/22 6:45 PM
Created 22 Days ago at 11/11/22 6:24 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Hi Siavash,

Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you was dealing with all the recent social strife there. Not easy times for sure. Sometimes in my underdeveloped country we boast about knowing how to live in constant uncertainty due to social and financial struggles, but to be honest we are just naturalizing the adding of another layer of anxiety to life. Like the story of a frog in hot water. 

I wish I had something to help you, but being no expert I probably would do more harm than good. 

Hope others chime in, best wishes!
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Siavash ', modified 22 Days ago at 11/11/22 7:04 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Hi dear Pepe,
Thank you for your care and kindness and your wish to help.

I think the recent events were just the trigger, and I think the main cause should be something else, probably the fundamental sense of insecurity. Or maybe my mindfulness has decreased and that has contributed to the return of tensions and insecirity in its somatic sense.  I've had big positive changes in terms of some habits, my daily work and sleep routines and I am in a much better financial situation compared to a few months ago, but none of that seem to be helping the body! emoticon
There is a need for spaciousness. Although the mind is quiet a lot of times, but it's contracted, and trying to notice space doesn't give rise to the spaciousness.
​​​​​​​Thanks!
 
shargrol, modified 22 Days ago at 11/12/22 6:50 AM
Created 22 Days ago at 11/12/22 6:50 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Believe it or not, this actually sounds good to me. 

It's very common to have a positive change in life or insight that makes things better for a while, but then for things to go bad again. It can be very easy to fall into negative thinking about it, but usually there is something new going on: the mind is ready to look at old trauma and release it.

The symbol for earth element is a yellow multi-faceted jewel. Each facet of the jewel reflects a different worldview, some positive some negative, and the jewel keeps moving and showing changing worldviews. When earth is unbalanced, it feels like the mind is trying to grab on to some form of certainty, but things keep changing. If the mind desparately tries to grab and hold to things, then we become enprisioned in negativity and fear --- like an earthquake burying us where we can't move or escape...

But when the KNOWING MIND is strong, the jewel can spin and reveal many different facets but the mind-which-knows does not change. So earth is all about balancing in the midst of change. The balanced mind isn't still, it is the body of a surfer riding a big choppy wave, intimatily connected with the scary wave but still balancing... even loving the wave because the wave brings out the surfer's best performance.

A lot of "memory" is in the body, yes it can feel like it is in the muscles or facia. When the mind begins to be healthy, these old experience seem to "leak out" of the body and into experience. Sometimes the mind is calm but the body is intense, sometimes the thoughts/emotions are intense but the body is calm --- either way, what is important to notice is that it is not related to present reality. The mind might be calm and the life situation is relatively safe and okay... but the body can be vibrating or exploding with sensations. This is more purification. 

The hardest thing can be to simply trust in the process. These body sensations (or emotions/thoughts) >could< re-trigger old trauma, but if the knowing mind is strong, then this is really more like "digesting" old trauma.

One of the things that can help is remembering "the past is past, this is now" and when the challenging anxiety/thoughts/emotions/sensations arise, gently keep them in mind along with something that is clearly in the present moment. It often helps to focus on a sensation low in the body, like the feel of feel on the floor or the weight or "entire heavy mass" of the body, or how the arms just simply hang from the shoulders. During sitting practice, I like to keep the feeling of my butt on the cushion in my awareness. But the point is, find a balance between experiencing all the releasing sensations from the past and the normal everyday sensations of the present moment. Sort of "one foot in the past, one foot in the present" idea.

It's okay to feel the fear reaction. Basically your body is wondering "should I still be afraid?" and your job is to welcome that fear and say "thats okay fear, I understand you are afraid based on past experiences, but there is no reason to be afraid now." Same thing with feeling out of balance or afraid of falling. "Its okay, I understand, but you are okay now."

The child wants a solid place to stand (which is appropriate for a child, they need that), but you are healing the child and having it learn a new adult skill: learning to balance as the place to stand keeps changing. It's more like a dance. At first balancing is tiring and needs practice, but soon it becomes natural --- it feels like how you were meant to live! 

"It's not easy to relax the tension, and a lot of times it doesn't seem possible, because it seems to be in the deep fascia and I don't seem to have control over it. Often there is more tension in the neck and lower abdomen, but I think there is a distortion with the earth element that is causing the main fear."

Don't worry too much about relaxing the tension or having control... allow yourself to feel the sensations of the tension (not the idea or worry about the tension, but the sensations of the tension itself) while also maintaining awareness of something more present like the floor or your cushion. Allow the sensations in the deep fascia to be felt and imagine that these are the impurities bubbling to the surface as part of the purification process. If you can learn to love the purfication process, it's helpful, but it's a bittersweet taste that takes a while to truly appreciate.

​​​​​​​Hope this is helpful in some way!
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Siavash ', modified 21 Days ago at 11/12/22 3:39 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Shargrol.
This was very helpful.

As I read it, it translated into my body as "It's okay, your are okay!", and my head and neck that were the most tense areas, filled with vibrations, and keeps spreading vibrations to the whole body!

Interesting, as always, how a shift in the view changes the whole experience!
Thank you!
shargrol, modified 21 Days ago at 11/13/22 6:56 AM
Created 21 Days ago at 11/13/22 6:56 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Nice! emoticon
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Siavash ', modified 17 Days ago at 11/16/22 12:53 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Monday November 14, 2022, 7:36 AM
​​​​​​​
At work, we have daily standup meetings (although we do it seated!), in the last 10 days or so it has become a big challenge for me. Other than the tension that I’ve had almost all the time, when the time comes for the meeting, my body starts shaking, it becomes difficult to breathe, my voice is shaking and it’s as hell to talk just for a few seconds. But yesterday, although there was more tension in the body compared to the previous day, and I was afraid of talking, but I didn’t have any problem, and as I was talking, I was thinking, when these attacks want to come? So I talked longer than usual to see if anything happens, but fortunately it went okay.
After going to bed at night, the body was able to relax after several weeks, and there were intense energetic pains in most of the energetic centers, with vibrations in the head.
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10:26 PM
Today in daily meeting although there was a lot of tension in the body with shakiness, but I could talk with relatively less problem. A good portion of the time there has been relaxation in the body (except for the head and neck), with these new energetic pains and currents. It seems that the energetics had a shift. There has been contentment and equanimity, which at times was pervasive and kind of strong, and feel like I want to do something to let it out, play music or dance or other physical activities. The energetics have a sharp burning and stabbing flavor, and it seems there has been an opening in the back. There are movements in the back like an insect is walking.
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Tuesday November 15, 2022, 9:47 AM

I had an interesting dream, that my size would become much smaller, and I could fly, also I could make other objects fly, and a few times I could do it with other people and they started flying too, after becoming very small object. All flying objects were spinning in the air, which is probably A&P territory.
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Wednesday November 16, 2022, 7:13 AM

Yesterday, for the first time in the last 3 months I overslept and was late at work, and it felt quite negative. Today I woke up earlier, and the feeling is much much better. I prefer this new way of living and don’t like to go back to being a night owl. Last night in bed the energetics were intense, mix of pleasant and painful, and there are still vibrations and insect-crawling in the energetic points.
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10:21 PM
Today there was less tension in the body, and I had and higher performance. There has been high energetic activity in the body, and once at work I noticed that something popped open in the head, and vibrations started spreading there for 10-20 minutes, also there was pleasant coolness spreading over the body, and visual field was vibrating. Now that I wrote this, it started again, energy currents, vibrations and coolness spreads over the body and head.
I did a short sit focused on the body, that led the more vibrations and coolness and mild sexual feelings, then sleepiness. The sleepiness has been present most of the time in these 3 days. 
shargrol, modified 17 Days ago at 11/16/22 4:33 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Nice, so now you are experiencing the dark night nanas but with a higher level of awareness/centered-ness. Especially those feelings of coolness, those are the classic experiences of a dark night yogi that is no longer fighting the dark night. It shows up as a cool numbness, almost like a cool breeze or a fan is blowing on the skin.
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Siavash ', modified 17 Days ago at 11/16/22 9:21 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thanks Shargrol.

Yes, it feels exactly like "a cool breeze or a fan is blowing on the skin". Although I had coolness and breeze on the skin in the early years of practice as a recurrent thing, though it was mainly in my hands and feet at that time. Recent ones is mainly on the neck and head.
​​​​​​​Thanks.  
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Siavash ', modified 15 Days ago at 11/18/22 10:41 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thursday November 17, 2022, 10:23 AM

Today I have been very sleepy, I had a hard time keeping myself awake at work, and because of sleepiness, there is numbness in the limps if I don’t move them for some time. There is less energetic activity compared to yesterday, but sometimes the vibrations and energy currents arise and spread. Like yesterday, sometimes for a few moments it feels like the ground and space is wavy. When I close my eyes or tune to the restfulness in the body, there is a pleasant relaxation, it feels mild but it’s very nice and relaxed. At the moment, the entirety of the experience and sensations manifests, radiates contentment. The mind is quiet. The body-mind likes to do the movements slowly, and be more present with the sensations, and sometimes enjoy that.

Interestingly, when I think of myself, often, unlike most times, the mental image of my face is not present (or it’s so vague that it’s almost absent), and that makes it harder to think that this body is connected to a “me”, but when I bring the mental image of the face, a/the “me” connects to the body.

Friday November 18, 2022, 11:22 PM

Last night I was locked in an unusual sleepiness. Because of weekend I wanted to sleep later and do some practice, but I became sleepier and fell asleep around 12 am, for the next 10 hours I kept trying to have a few minutes to smoke a cigarette and do a few minutes of practice, but I kept falling asleep. I’d light a cigarette, then wake up and notice that it’s burning my hair, or it has fallen on the ground, finally I could get up and go to bed, and slept til night! I still feel sleepy!
This much amount and degree of sleepiness, makes me think that there has been a shift in the bigger arc of development. (3 weeks of intense muscle tension, followed by a week of feeling sleepy all the time despite having ‘enough’ sleep.)

Saturday November 19, 2022, 7:11 AM

I tried to do some sitting practice, but it was mostly sleepiness and falling asleep. For some minutes there was vibrations and energy currents and pleasant coolness/breeze spreading over the body.
There is bright violet light flickering in front of the eyes (open or closed), which is usually one of the components of this sleepy state.
 
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Chris M, modified 15 Days ago at 11/19/22 7:43 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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It makes me happy to see you posting again, Siavash. 
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Siavash ', modified 15 Days ago at 11/19/22 8:08 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Thank you Chris, thank you _/\_ .
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Siavash ', modified 11 Days ago at 11/22/22 10:29 AM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Sunday, November 20, 2022, 6:11 AM

Because of the long sleep in the last two days, I couldn’t sleep well, but I had an interesting flying dream. I fell asleep for some minutes, then I noticed I am in the air in my room beside the window. I don’t know if I had awareness, because it seems that the type of awareness in asleep is different from wakefulness? I wanted to go out of the window, but as usual, I thought that I’d have difficulty getting out, and when I got closer to the window, I noticed the experience is getting thicker and I can’t move easily. Then, a neat trick came to mind. I thought let’s imagine that I am on the other side of the window, and I did that, immediately I was there and flying freely! Then I used it for moving between the buildings or flying to higher altitudes, and each time it worked. It was fun. Another interesting part was that I was flying above the university that I was there ages ago, and I was thinking, man, I should go back there to continue my studies, even if I study in a different field for just the fun of it! And the next scene I was in a classroom at another university with a few old friends, and I had enrolled to study fine arts and music! This going back to school and learning music is not resolved yet.

Another interesting part was that I was flying over a skyscraper inside the university, but I didn’t have enough power to go above it, so I was using my feet to walk on it while flying, and because I knew it was a dream, it felt normal that my feet would go inside the walls, but at the end, I could go above that, and that was different from the previous flying dreams.

7:41 PM
Although today I had less than 1-2 hours of sleep, today I didn’t feel sleepy. My energy level was high, but there was a lot of anger, not for any specific reason, but little things trigger anger. And there was lots of muscle tension. It makes me think that this has been a transition from the 6th nana (the first 3 weeks) to the 7th (the last week of sleepiness and feeling sick) to the 8th nana (today with the higher energy and anger). It’s been a few hours that there is itching in the energetic points, I’d usually map that as a part of the 8th nana. After coming home, the head has frequent vibrations.
Today there is much higher tension in the head and neck, and sometimes it’s mixed with a kind of vibration like the neck is connected to a vibrator.

Monday, November 21, 2022, 8:59 PM

Today that heightened energy and feelings of anger and being tense, were mostly gone, and there was sleepiness and fatigue, although the head and neck were tense. Since the evening the tension has increased. Last night in bed the energetics were stronger than before, causing movements in the body. Today a few times similar ones occurred, like intense throbbing in the hips. Once at work, something caused me to notice a feeling of not belonging, and I tried to bring memories to mind that would give me that feeling in the past, mainly in childhood, like others have fun and I can’t be part of that. As I tried to bring different images and memories to mind with that theme, the head and neck became tenser and turned into a headache, that is still present.

Tuesday, November 22, 2022, 7:38 PM

I usually try to practice during my commute to work, but often I am not satisfied with its level of mindfulness. Today I changed the technique, and used non-stop mental labels, like one label per second while noting body parts, e.g head head head head arm arm arm…, and it was much better. After several minutes I notice a reduction of tension in the body, especially in the abdomen, and I had less tension during the day.
Last night and today there has been intense energetics, some of it like a mixture of hot water and ice water touching the body. Sometimes for a few moments, things are not solid, as if a wind is blowing that moves the space. In the last few hours, a feeling of despair arises frequently that stays for a few seconds before passing away.
I've been feeling sleepy all day long. 
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Siavash ', modified 8 Days ago at 11/25/22 11:30 PM
Created 8 Days ago at 11/25/22 8:38 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Wednesday, November 23, 2022, 7:13 AM

I had a clear flying dream but I can’t remember it yet. I came to bed after it and tried to do it again but it didn’t happen.

4:28 PM
Today there is too much tension in the body that I couldn’t continue working and came home early. Also I’ve been feeling very sleepy. Constant headache because of the tensions. During daily meeting, I tried all that I knew to calm the body, so I could talk, but my whole body started shaking. I guess this is the pattern, that after having something good, another round of these difficulties arises. For a few days I was satisfied about some work and family situations.

Thursday, November 24, 2022, 11:31 PM

Today the early part of the day was tough. Although I had a long sleep, I had a lot of difficulty with getting up. The body was very tense with shaking and sweating and flu symptoms, and I was afraid about talking in our daily meeting, but to my surprise, I had no difficulty talking today, none. After the meeting I noticed that the tension decreased, and the rest of the day was much easier. Since the evening there has been a desire to experience the sensations more fully or closely.

Friday, November 25, 2022, 3:54 AM

I did a sit, for a few minutes there was vibrations and energy currents, then I became very sleepy.
For the next few hours I tried to practice with eyes open to have a better chance with sleepiness, but it didn’t help.

Saturday, November 26, 2022, 12:15 AM

I had less sleep than what I wanted and I got up with a low mood, but a little later I noticed a sense of relaxation arising, and an urge to listen to music. I played a few favorites, and for a few hours as I listened to it, the body kept having goosebumpy vibrations, spreading from lower spine and neck, and there was positive feelings and some relaxation. Later the tension has increased again especially in the head and neck.

5:57 AM
Did some formal and informal practice, there was vibrations and energetics in the head for some time, also there was increased tension in the temples, like the head is stuck between two brick walls and they are pressing it. Recently, other than the tension that is there always in the head and neck, sometimes there is other energetics like pulsation around my eyes. Later did a sit just resting in silence, after some minutes I got attacked by the sleepiness, and now the whole body is in discomfort because of the sleepiness.

This weekend I had less procrastination for doing the week preparation (food, cloths and etc), because I’ve noticed that all that creates the negative feelings of procrastination and its worries, is the thoughts related to doing or not doing the work, but if I just start the work, without having any opinion about it, it just does itself, and there is no negativity. Always the biggest problem with procrastination was that, I thought I should first solve it mentally and emotionally that I am okay with doing the thing or starting it, so that I could start, but that was wrong. The way to solve the mental and emotional part, at least for me, is that I shouldn’t let the thought-loops and story-telling start, and if it's started, ignore it, and assume that it’s in a parallel reality that is not affecting the work doing itself.

7:19 AM
Did a sit focused on the body and the color statics in the murk. Although the body is very sleepy, but some energetics arose, a very strong pain in the left toes that startled the body, coldness in several energetic points, and then vibrations have arisen, that still keep arising after the sit. I need to increase the practice doze to let the energy circulate more. During the practice yesterday and today there was strong pain in the sacrum, I haven’t had that for quite a while. It seems to me that as long as there is the blockages in that area, the energy can not flow freely, but the funny thing is that trying to make it flow only results in more blockages. Surrender is needed.

-- Edit:
I had forgotten my mapping! It seems,.. after the 8th, comes the increased attempt and practice, and "figuring out", trying, foolishly, to find tricks!
 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 8 Days ago at 11/26/22 9:00 AM
Created 8 Days ago at 11/26/22 9:00 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

Posts: 6847 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Since the evening there has been a desire to experience the sensations more fully or closely.

Good!

This weekend I had less procrastination for doing the week preparation (food, cloths and etc), because I’ve noticed that all that creates the negative feelings of procrastination and its worries, is the thoughts related to doing or not doing the work, but if I just start the work, without having any opinion about it, it just does itself, and there is no negativity. Always the biggest problem with procrastination was that, I thought I should first solve it mentally and emotionally that I am okay with doing the thing or starting it, so that I could start, but that was wrong. The way to solve the mental and emotional part, at least for me, is that I shouldn’t let the thought-loops and story-telling start, and if it's started, ignore it, and assume that it’s in a parallel reality that is not affecting the work doing itself.

This is wise. I wish I would be more prone to applying this as well. I have figured this out many times and yet I still get stuck again and again because it lures me in. Stay strong! The parallell reality part of it is new to me. I’ll give it a try. Thanks for sharing!
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Siavash ', modified 7 Days ago at 11/26/22 11:13 AM
Created 7 Days ago at 11/26/22 11:13 AM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Thank you Linda.

Yes, I keep forgetting it too, or not applying it, it needs practice! But I'd say there has been improvements, so it's working. Now I am worried about washing yesterday's or worst last week's dishes, previously I'd be worried about washing dishes from months ago, or throwing the dishes away!
 
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Siavash ', modified 6 Days ago at 11/27/22 12:51 PM
Created 6 Days ago at 11/27/22 12:45 PM

RE: Siavash's Log 9

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 Saturday, November 26, 2022, 8:53 AM

Using visuals, and the space around it as the focus object. It has the effect of calming the body-mind, though the problem is, I habitually tense the base of my head when focusing on a visual object, which causes tension in the whole head and neck. Need to keep that in awareness with the main object.

9:18 PM
Today getting up from bed was torture. After I woke up, there was so much sleepiness, but I couldn’t fall asleep, and that created a unique kind of pain.
There is a chemical imbalance, more than what I’d expect, and that has created lots of discomfort, but also there is vibration around the spine and stronger coldness in the energetic centers including the base of the spine. That’s usually a sign of change. I can’t hide that I want to get rid of these tensions!
Also, there is energetic pain in the fingers and toes. Usually, I have electric shocks spreading from the toes upward, but these few days I didn’t have much of that. It seems now that the energy wants to flow outwards, but it encounters blocks and creates pain.
Another new one is a sharp pain in the left side of the navel, that sometimes turns into a burning. I’ve had currents on the right side of the navel, but none on the left side, probably there are more blockages there.

Sunday, November 27, 2022, 7:17 AM

I was in bed for 2-3 hours and had a flying dream. I was in a room, and a guy was sitting on the other side, I started rising up in the air, I thought that the guy is one of my friends, but he looked like a famous actor, I thought, just for the fun of it and to see his reaction, I want to do an experiment, I moved higher and higher, and I wanted to make him think that as I am moving higher, he sees my body larger and larger, Then I noticed coldness in my skull as if it’s raining. It was the coldness that, as far as I know, for the first time had spread to my head, but the mind generated some imagery as if it was raining, and the guy turned to the image of my friend that had slept in the rooftop under the rain.
Compared to before, there is lesser tension in the head, but more tension in the abdomen. Vibrations keep arising, and sometimes small points of burning along the central line in the abdomen. The energy seems to be shifted. A mix of burning and coldness at the sacrum. Electric-flavored vibrations are back in the toes.
When practicing in bed, there was more activity in the head. An interesting sensation that felt like a liquid current is moving inside the eyes startled the body.
My eyes don’t feel sleepy, and the mind is alert, but the body has that heavy feeling of sleepiness, like the whole fascia is in pain.

8:52 PM
Since the afternoon there is a decrease in tension and sleepiness. I tried to focus on the earth and sky whenever I could, don’t know if it had any effect. The body temperature was high today, with heat in my hands sometimes. Last few hours there is positive valence, increased clarity, and a sense of satisfaction.
I did a sit now and became very sleepy again. There were energy currents in the throat center, this has arisen since the evening.
I did something today that I am not sure was okay or not okay. I wish to have the awareness, to be aware of the motives for my actions, and not do things for the wrong reasons.

Thanks to Steve James, Guru Viking, I saw an interview on his channel with Damo Mitchell, and I loved it. He seems to be a real deal in the energy work, I think I’ll find loads of helpful stuff in his material. 
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Siavash ', modified 2 Days ago at 12/1/22 3:44 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Monday, November 28, 2022, 7:21 AM

Last night I did a guided sit with a video from Dame, then as he had suggested there, I focused on the throat center and the upper back in bed, to release the tension there. There were some new kinds of energetics and pains in the head and ears, felt like something is trying to move out of the head from all directions, and some burning and vibrations in the abdomen and legs. Later an intense electric shock from the toes upward, and then I was gone into sleep.
I didn’t know before, that how I put my hands, affects the energy directly. I often put my palms over my thighs, and that creates intense energetics there. It seems that the palms direct the energy to that point.

11:53 PM
Today there were different degrees of tension. In the daily meeting, I only could talk by manipulating my breath. The temperature has been high, with sometimes heat along the spine and hands, and burning around the navel. Since yesterday sometimes there is dizziness, like the ground/space is not stable.

Thursday, December 1, 2022, 1:00 AM

These two days I did some guided practice from Damo’s channel, also I tried to follow his advice to relax the body and let the energy go down the body, and overall I had lesser tension. Yesterday I had anger for several hours, and I liked to break something. Since two days ago I have had some burning and stinging in the throat and chest, probably flu or covid, or maybe because energy has moved lower to the chest, who knows. It’s pretty much like what I had when I got sick after the first covid. Today there was much more burning and stinging, also bodily aches and pains and fatigue, with a kind of restlessness, especially when doing mental work I’d get frustrated quickly. Last 1-2 hours I did a few guided practices with Damo’s videos to let the energy down and out of the body, and there is more relaxation. After doing the first round, there was a field of electric vibrations around the body, and after that load of vibrations and energetics, mostly in the lower part of the body, or moving down in the body. The tension in the head has decreased a great deal, but there is stronger tension and constriction in the throat. While doing the practice, a set of sensations arose a few times, with the throat being in the center of awareness, and I felt I want to laugh and cry. Energy currents moved around the base of the spine and perineum, but mostly it didn’t have pain. Toward the end a few times I noticed that the movement of my hands created heat and vibration and moved it downward.
The helpful exercise has been these two: relaxing the throat and upper back, and pausing the breath after the out-breath, but not by holding it, just not breathing for a few moments.
Tonight a sense of restlessness arose that was very uncomfortable, but after I started this guided practice, it mostly went away.

9:41 PM
Today after going to the office I started feeling sick, with severe pain all over the body, low energy and lack of concentration, and sleepiness, and I had to come home early. There has been high tension in the head and throat, causing headaches and pain in the throat and top of the head.
Although the kind of tension today is different from the one I had for several weeks. The back of the head and neck are relatively relaxed.

Friday, December 2, 2022, 12:57 AM

I did another guided practice with Damo’s videos, for letting the energy down and out. There were vibrations for part of it, but I had less relaxation and flow compared to the previous one yesterday, but I guess it is not an issue. After that, the constriction in the throat has lessened, and there is some pressure between the eyes above the nose, and in the neck.
Yesterday I had done the breathing and tapping exercises first, and that created more flow in the energy.
Today there has been mild pain around the navel, and mild burning in the chest center.
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Siavash ', modified 12 Hours ago at 12/3/22 9:56 PM
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RE: Siavash's Log 9

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Friday, December 2, 2022, 4:20 AM

I did another guided practice with Damo, although I became very sleepy, falling asleep frequently, but after that the tension has decreased, and the pain in the throat is mild now.

8:01 PM
I had a long sleep with many dreams that I forgot most of it. I guess the energy had moved upward and I had flying dreams. Once I was gliding on a very narrow bridge very high up in the sky and part of the bridge was not there, then I was flying over a lake. For some time in the last 1-3 years I had this dream frequently, but I didn’t have it for quite a while. Several times I woke up and noticed that I have headache and head pressure, and after waking up I still have headache, but the pain in the throat and top of the head is gone, now it’s in the front part above the forehead, and a little bit in the temples.
Similar to the previous weeks, as Ilistened to music, the body filled with vibrations, mostly coming from the neck center. The body moves with the music, I guess it moves the energy and the energy moves the body.
While flying over the lake, my bladder was complaining and I woke up and noticed the visual field is vibrating with lights and shadows. I thought I should be able to intend and create similar experiences, and I tried but it didn’t happens and I fell asleep.

11:39 PM
There seems to be more movements in the energy. I guess there is downward movements, but how could I be sure! Frequently vibrations arise in the head and neck and sometimes spreads to the whole body, and some mild pain arise below the navel. Once there was a sharp pain in the left side of the heart, then it disappeared, and some time later the muscles in front of the heart started throbbing wildly, then an energy current moved down toward the left leg, and then vibrations in the left leg. Also there is pain in the base of spine, and sometimes neutral currents there.
Most of the things that have any emotional tone cause vibrations in most of the body, it seems it all initiates from the spine.
Also there must have been a center point in the center of thighs, a lot of times vibrations arise from there.
Other ones, itching and burning in the perineum. Sometimes electric field around the body and itching with burning flavor. Earlier I did a guided sit with Damo.
And sometimes coolness or coldness arises, sometimes a little breeze, but mostly like a little cold water drops inside the body onto a location.
Also a lot of sickness symptoms, this pretty much looks like the first covid, low energy, bodily pain and fatigue and burning in the chest.
Haha, I guess I am writing because my fingers enjoy moving in harmonic ways. Some written black words on a white sheet, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? There is where the hidden secrets are! Always appealing!
I try to be open about the cause of symptoms in the body, so I thought maybe the pain and burning in the chest is due to the covid or flu, now I notice the same is arising in the upper arm. Clearly I don’t have a third lung in my arm!
Very interesting, now the burning has moved to the left thigh.

It feels very quiet today. I don’t know if it’s because I have less mental activity, or there is less noises outside. It feels like there is no world out there.
Today there is that bright violet (and sometimes purple) lights and colors in the visual field, that expand and contract as circular areas around a center. Also today I notice a lot more beauty in the visuals, especially if there is a artistic harmony there.

Sunday, December 4, 2022, 7:17 AM

Yesterday I woke up after a couple hours of sleep and couldn’t sleep after that, the energy was high and I was alert, with insanely increased sexual energy. Damo had a warning with one of the practices that it could create such effect. Gradually the pain increased in the body, especially in the head, base of spine and below the navel, to such extent that it would create difficulty with breathing. Later when I tried to sleep, it took some hours to fall asleep because of the discomfort. The very interesting thing was that, although I practice in bed for a while, but there almost no energetic sensations. I did one of Damo’s practices a few times, that he said it’s for ceiling the leakages in the energy, I don’t know if it was related to that or not. Today I woke up with the headache again, but now after taking a shower, it’s gone. Low mood.

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