Hi guys,
I’ve been reading dharmaoverground for quite a while now. I want to share with you what im going through and maybe you can give me a hand. Ill try to make the long story short. (Im southamerican so im sorry if there are some grammatical mistakes!). Im 27 and started practicing zen at 18. I practiced for 5 years and then stopped. almost two years after that I started having what I call an “anti awakening” it was a whole process with different phases but it was mainly a sense of everything falling apart, everything breaking, obviously including myself, or mainly myself. Up to that, not much of a problem, but I had a CONSTANT feeling of groundless terror and panic and most of all an incredible SELF-AGGRESSIVE ENERGY (?) that I had no idea where it came from (although it was mine, internal). It was like opening the Pandora box of all the shit dark muddy sticky things together and directed towards one self. for looooong I thought I had gone psychotic (although I never had hearing or visual hallucinations), the only reason I knew I wasn’t is because nobody realized anything (and I have a strong social network), it is all purely internal. Since then I started practicing again and this year I have come to the US to do some more intense training. There are MANY things I can talk about the whole process. (ive been very very curious about it and has been my main focus since then as it pretty much covers my whole life and as it was completely out of anything I could possibly understand, imagine or whatever) but I want to go straight to what is going on now, that has been constant since 2008 but now is in its more “clean” “core” state and not full of thick smoke.
Everything is very energetic and psychological, although its located in parts of the body, mainly the chest, the neck and the head, when I go into it I don’t feel much of a physical thing. It’s a very intense energy that appears like a very intense contraction, like a tension, this is CONSTANT and wants to take over the whole space of my awareness. it usually climbs over the throat and neck covering everything as a big tension (but a strange tension quality, like a toxic tension, yes, yes this is already too “elaborate” but this is how it usually appears!). the sense is that the awareness is being cornered. and also mainly a sense of being “squeezed”. it sounds very strange but it’s like being “invaded”. “my” reaction to it is usually fear , disgust and depression. It constantly triggers a lot of shitty feelings and affects my whole “way of being” into feeling constantly ashamed, insecure, etc. I used to be a pretty brazen, cheerful, fearless and adventurous person and I don’t know where the hell all this comes from (a little detail, I studied psychotherapy and have done different kinds of therapy since im 15, so have been covering that area). I’ve investigate it a lot and have done several things: I have just been with it, feeling it, I have tried to lower any kind of resistance from “my part”, surrender, I have tried to go to the source, I have been there very aware of every time it triggered a shitty feeling or thought. I have worked with “my” reactions to “it”, trying to go to the place where I would have no aversion or whatever to it (this would work better on the cushion but not off it). and for four years, nothing.
I feel regularly in an altered sate of consciousness. the only thing that has maintained intact is my awareness, im very aware of the whole thing (and still, any realization, such as how a core unflavored “experience” that is always there and seems to take the form of whatever arises hasn’t change a bit of the whole thing and I still feel like shit almost all day long). I have recently started doing noting practice and if im constantly noting it, what usually happens is that “I” don’t react so much to “it”. but the energetic crap is there constantly, and it seems to defile impermanence!!! haha, im joking here but it is VERY STRANGE, VERY. Its something internal but behaves as an “external” object. in the sense that you know when you note anything arising (thought, emotion) it usually cuts it. but if you note the hearing of a horn, the sound doesn’t vanishes. this is the same but with an internal “energy”. One of the things that Im mostly in wonder is that the feeling tone is very different from whatever I ever experienced before starting all this process. its like a sense of intoxication, disgust, and panic. And meditating is not the problem, because there I can just “be” with it, and no matter how horrible it gets, practice is the space where that can be “hold”, to put it in a way. The problem is that it affects my total life constantly. I became completely fearful, self conscious and blocked. for example, something very, very strange that usually happens is that when a pleasurable thought or feeling arises immediately afterwards arises a kind of “felling/energy” that “negates”, “kills” the last experience, like if I would not be permitted to have “positive experiences” (this did never happen to me until I started all this process). What the heck?!?!?!? And its not that “I” have a problem with “it”, its “it that has a problem with “me”, bringing a lot of aggression towards “myself” (and ive been doing a lot of “taking “me” out of the way” practice, but nothing). That’s why I think the experience is kind of psychotic, but its all in a very energetic level, without thoughts, or voices or anything (it could be the whole fucking personal and collective shadow that decided to take a long vacation in “my house”). But it has a very psychological tone to it. I can give you more details of the experience and how I have related to it. This “short” story didn’t finish being that “short”!
Thank you very much for the AWESOME site you have all created here, it’s very, very inspiring!

p.

Hi there paia rauten,

Great. Welcome.


So, to order this within a buddhist framework have you read Mahasi Saydaw' brief explanation of the Insight stages referred to here often as "Dark Night" and/or [url=http://web.mac.com/danielmingram/iWeb/Daniel%20Ingram's%20Dharma%20Blog/The%20Blook/740E1DCD-75A5-4859-8530-13214BE1BA33.html]Daniel Ingram's Chapter 25 "The Progress of Insight: Stages 5-10, The Dark Night"?


That is very helpful that you know this.

Good: in my opinion, isolating right now (and now and now...) is most useful. I heard the Dalai Lama say once something like, "If you want to know a person's past, look at them now. If you want to know their future, look at them now."

Ok. Do you do anything to relieve this physical tension and suspend its dominance over the mental faculty, such as swimming or gentle slow stretching with long, deep breathing?

Your phrase "everything is very energetic" is apt, and is an understanding which can be useful here and in regards to all thoughts and feelings. More on that later in practice.

Buddhism suggests that the mental faculty (also known as "the mind") can display (or be invaded by, to use your words) other thoughts, feelings, sensations and reactions: such as happiness, peace, calm, and so forth.

This is very useful: you have experienced the mental faculty being filled with other sensations (such as cheerfulness and adventurousness). Not everyone has this visceral knowledge.

Good to know. Perhaps it is worth working on happiness now and filling the mental faculty with an invasion of happiness.

If you sit in meditation and feel the energetics of "dark night" and, then, you switch and commit yourself to 20 minutes of something very gentle and kind (i.e., metta mediation, such as a mammal cleaning its newborn offspring, or hand-holding between friends) - how does that feel? Can you, over a few days, get to focusing on such imagery? (Just note whenever the mind goes elsewhere, including into dark night, then return to the image which generates thought-feelings of kindness and friendliness).

That your noting results in being less reactive to the material displaying across the mental faculty is excellent. Keep building on that.

This is just reification of the displays of the mental faculty. Physical exercise like swimming, yoga and intense bursts (20 super-sweaty minutes) of cardiovascular workouts is great for dissolving bodily manifestation of "dark night". You must do these things with pure intention for your commitment to advance through dark night (into equanimity) and with absolute gentleness for yourself, as you would provide for an infant. It is better to forgo intensity and choose gentleness in the beginning. Just be consistent about exercise and long, slow stretches with deep breathing. But do address the body: it will help the mind a great deal.

Sometimes a person so identifies with the images of "dark night" that they feel guilty for trying to leave it. You must realize that, in sincerely practicing (i.e., having pure intention), you are committing to rescue yourself from "dark night" just as you would rescue another suffering being if you saw them flounder. Your noting practice is already bearing good fruit in this endeavor.

Great. Some people take years to get a crystal clear idea of what thoughts and sensations are. You seem to know this well. So, now, little by little - even 5-minute sets throughout the day, focus the field of your mind ("the mental faculty") on an image that you know to be gentle kindness or innocent friendliness, something like that. This may feel like a diet in which the mind is not allowed to wallow in the refrigerator of dark night images - when you see dark night images, no matter how horrifying or whatnot, just use that image to directly and sincerely switch back to the kindly/gentle/friendly image.


The brain gets into a loop call HPA dysregulation (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis dysregulation). You can look into it online, but suffice it to say that stress begins to automate itself (giving rise to the feeling that the dark night is a permanent and external object) and you can re-regulate the brain through 1) exercise, 2) willingly changing the nature of what is displayed across the mental field (your mind, and this takes some practice and sincere persistent effort) after years of dark night imagery), 3) good sleep (get in bed well before 22:00, if you can) and 4) decent whole food/reduced caffeine. 5) meditation (like more of your noting!), 6) caring gently for self and others, 7) long slow deep breathing (engages parasympathetic nervous system, can override the sympathetic fight-flight system)

Seriously, the first thing I would do is go get on a treadmill for 20 minutes (or to a track) - or a low impact devise like a bike or elliptical machine - and wear yourself out for 20 minutes. Be kind to yourself (be proud of the effort you are making), be relaxed (even as you take the exercise to intensity), but push. Exercise is one of the fastest, best ways to change the brain. (It is a tool, not a cure-all.) Make your first fuel after the work-out healthy: like an egg and green tea.

Good luck!

Are you well informed of what the dark night is, and what stream-entry is? Have you read the book Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha?

Hello Paia,

You’re really going through a rough period, aren’t you?! I can tell that you’ve put a lot of time and energy into all of this – investigating, thinking, observing, and attempting to solve issues pertaining to this problem of yours. It sounds exhausting, and I really hope you are able to experience some relief in the very near future.

So, you started practicing Zen at age 18, did so for 5 years, and then this unfortunate spell began about a couple years later. If my math is correct, you’re saying this started when you were about 25, and has been ailing you persistently for two years or so. Is that right?

Was anything else happening when you were 25? What’s different about your life now as opposed to before the onset of this problem (if anything)?

Has this thing really been happening constantly for two whole years? If not, when were the breaks? How long did they last? What were they like? Etc, etc.

I think Katy’s advice regarding exercise, and “self-care” in general (which is important), is really good. Since there is a strong physiological component to what you’re experiencing, it can be very helpful to change what you’re doing with your body. It’s not just about expending pent-up energy, but allowing the body to start using the energy differently, and in ways that have the potential to continue long after any physical practice (like exercise) is done.

You said that you’ve tried many of the practices that people normally use to resolve this issue. I don’t doubt that. As far as practice advice goes, I don’t know that I would recommend anything new, per se. If what you’re dealing with is really Dark Night stuff, moving through it is going to involve practicing a lot of acceptance and gentle attention. This doesn’t mean results will come right away, but what’s the alternative? I think you know that trying to push it away won’t help, and that trying to grasp at distractions won’t help either. It’s too strong to simply repress and ignore. There’s no other option than to include mindfulness and acceptance in whatever it is you’re going to try. Don’t give up on cultivating these two all-too-important mental qualities!

Lastly, what are you leaning toward in terms of you will likely be doing on retreat? I know you’re asking for help, but I wonder if you already have an idea of how you’d like to go about your practice from here. What do you think/hope will work?

[DISCLOSURE: I’m currently working toward an MA in counseling psychology, with the hopes of working as a professional counselor after another year or so of training.]

-Jackson

Hi Guys!
Thank you very much for all your advices!

Bruno: I am aware of the dark night and I have read Daniels book. I felt very, very identified with pretty much of what he wrote about the dark night.
Im also aware about what stream entry is and im trying to point in that direction, yes.

Katy:
thank you very much for all your advices. I have been doing yoga and regular exercise since im 17. I used to practice everyday and was one of the things I enjoyed the most. Since all this started, doing exercise has become very difficult. Mainly because contacting my body stirs up all this negative emotions. Ive tried running, doing weights and doing more dynamic kind of yoga but I don’t last long because my whole body starts bringing a weird “blockage”. I have continued to do gentle stretches which I used to absolutely love and be able to do for hours and now is more something I do to keep me moving but hasn’t proved to change much of the whole scene.
I have also changed my diet.
I haven’t done metta practice continuously. I may have done it in some sittings but it usually brings a lot of resistance. Maybe I should give it some continuity to see how it goes?
Noting is something that ive just started practicing. I see its good to bring some objectivity and unstuck me from whats going on.
I didn’t know about the brain loop, im going to check it out.

Jackson: Hi!
About what else was happening during that time. some major factors was that I was working in several “marginal” fields: as a therapeutic companion with people with psychosis and several mental issues, in a prison, and in a mental hospital for people with low income. I was also studying and teaching in the university. My working environment was very unhealthy, paranoid and aggressive, and that played a huge role in the whole thing.
In terms of how is my life different from before. Uf, A LOT!! I used to be this kind of person that would talk in front of 400 people in class without blinking, that wouldn’t understand how people were afraid of exams. I used to be very gifted with communication and “creative thinking”, very joyful and social. Now going to the post office is a whole deal and its very difficult for me to communicate with somebody without feeling horrible, for example.

I have practiced a LOT of gentleness and taking care with this whole thing, I don’t have much other option!

Im looking forward to continue my noting practice to see if I can get some equanimity! Something that became very clear is how “being” has a lot to do with all this suffering. There is a sense of being that plays a big role. I feel it as resistance, I feel it as a social identity, I feel it as tension in the body (mainly the upper part). But somehow I haven’t yet found a technique that could deal with the whole thing (maybe noting now that I’ve started). I have been used to pretty much “be” with what arises, and as I felt the sense of “being” very strongly, I would just feel it, without any “outcome”.

Thanks for the additional details, Paia.

It’s hard to say whether or not what you’re going through is directly related to insight development in terms of the Progress of Insight or any such path. It might be, and it might not.

If it is practice related, I do have two more suggestions that may be of value. Though, there’s no guarantee that either will work. And if they do, there’s no guarantee they will work quickly.

Sometimes just noticing (“noting”) something and letting it go isn’t enough for it really untangle. I’m not sure why, but some issues are more complicated, and if they don’t really get dismantled they just keep returning.

One technique that works for some people is to investigate a little deeper, while keeping the noting going. This can be done by noting different aspects of the phenomenon, especially in light of the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. Here’s one interpretation that works for me…

1.) Note the “Form” – hard/soft, warm/cold, dull/sharp, heavy/light, etc., as well as shape, size, color… anything that comes up.

2.) Note the “Feelings” – first, primary feeling tone: pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Then, more complex emotions that arise with the phenomenon (sadness, grief, frustration, depression, anxiety, fear, excitement, etc.).

3.) Note the “Thoughts” – both talking (words, phrases, stories) and images (pictures, scenes, memories, visions).

4.) Note the “Response” – that is, what are you doing with your body and mind to respond to this situation? Is there grasping, aversion, delusion, acceptance, equanimity, etc.? What are you doing about it? Is it helping? Is what you’re doing in line with the Dharma as you understand it? What about the Four Noble Truths? Is there craving, and is there suffering? What about letting go, or peace?

You can cycle through this kind of investigation over and over again if you’d like. There’s something about this process that really untangles some deeply ingrained patterns. It helps us to dig deeper than we otherwise would.

Like I said, it might help and it might not. But it’s worth a shot, right? I hope so, at least.

The last suggestion I have is to try what I refer to as the "Guest House Practice". Have you read Rumi's poem "Guest House"?

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

Sometimes we have to take a more active role in acceptance, rather than just trying to passively witness. The latter can turn into indifference, which is the "near enemy" of equanimity. Equanimity says, "This too, this too."

So, for the Guest House Practice, you name each expression that meets your consciousness - ever phenomenal appearance - as though it is your good friend coming for a visit. E.g. "Hello, fear. Welcome. Stay as long as you like. I'll listen to your story." Each thing that comes up is greeted, and allowed to stay. You listen, and even empathize if you want to; e.g. "Yes, it is scary out there. Yes, this pain is truly awful. Thank you for sharing."

This practice got me out of some really sticky spots during the Dark Night leading up to stream entry. I used to do this while taking walks on a nature trail by my home. Nothing was better at ushering in the Equanimity stage, in my experience. So, you may want to try this as well.

Best of luck to you, Paia!
-Jackson

Hey paia,

When you mentioned 'being' you reminded me of this exercise. Does it do anything for you? When I have been able to do it it has been very conducive to well-being. Try doing it while reading it.


[link]

[1] To give it a little context: the goal of this exercise is to 'be' naivete, which is a way of 'being' conducive to looking at the world without looking for any outcomes:

Hi again paia rauten,

Wonderful. I suppose the reward itself forms the impulse to keep doing noting, yes?

Some people on DhO have referred to a "resistance to being here". Do you feel a resistance to being here? It sounds like you have left some of the difficult working environments; it the resistance lingering when it no longer needs to?

Does the mental faculty have this power over consciousness, over your pure sense of touch, your pure sense of smell, your pure sense of tasting a meal, your pure sense of seeing sunshine? How does a dark night thought display in the mental faculty while watching sun rise or sun set? How is touch without any concern for whatever thoughts form? How is sight without regard to the stream of thoughts that come and go? How is taste, just taste? How is smell?

Best wishes,
Katy

and what is ? This is can be a rich source of insight.

Hi Guys!
Lots of wonderful technique advices. Im going to try them and let you know how they work.
I love Rumi! wonderful poem!

somehow, what i find difficult about what im going through now, is that it has a different "behavior" to anything i've encountered before and how i could deal with it. If i felt shitty, some metta, or walking outside, or connecting to some sort of well being immediately changed the scene. this doesnt seem to care a shit of whatever i do, puf!! Fortunately I have never lost my curiosity and still believe there can be some gold out of this crap.

when i mean resistance is resistance to the experience (but in a very very subtle way). its a sense of an invisible wall where everything crashes to.
and the sense of being, in a very basic level, is a sense of being here. when it gets more "sophisticated" it appears as a sense of being in here in such and such a way, and in an even more sophisticated level, as an identity.

no, my senses, in a pure level, are not altered by the dark night, its like awareness in a way. but they appear very very mixed with it. i know the pure basic experience is still there, but there is a very big and noisy layer of crap around it.