RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 2/18/23 6:33 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/18/23 6:33 PM

Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I fell off practice for a while. Something derailed my on the cushion practice. I also have vowed to fix my life in 2023.

This involves basic stuff like keeping things tidy and being responsible. Meditating again and strategically taking psycheldics in the appropriate ways. My intention is to inhale a tiny amount of 5-meo-dmt, after I'm in the equanimity stage, and see what happens. I don't want to take big doses, because it's unwise for me at the moment. And I just plain don't want to. It makes more sense to just have the basic goal of practicing well. And later in my life I can open pandoras box if I want. 

My interest is rekindled by reading consiousness research on the subject. I'm also quite inspired by thinking about big picture, how there is life/death. Souls. An ocean of consiousness after death. A multiverese where the entire universe is you. Including all the God realms and suffering. I've long since integrated the terror of having consiousness being forced to exist in perpetuity and experience all the suffering an infinite number of times. And the terror of realizing there is only one "person" in the room. I am still a psychedelic virgin in a way, by only experiencing mostly the dark side of it, and a handful of random experiences. This is very promising A. I have integrated some of the unpleasant and B. The potential of experiencing the positive lay ahead. I will be reading both about negative and positive 5 meo experiences.

Despite quitting practice, I have found myself  experiencing many moments of mindfulness. Also synchronicity, things trying to get my life back on track.

I have a lot of work to do this year in the conventional sense. But I think my practice will benefit from being a little bit more laid back.

I've found a way to hack THC tolerance and increase it using CBN (canabinol). Its not psychoactive normally, but I have such sensitivity to THC, at first it actually got me quite altered. I took a mixture or CBN/THC which worked. Now I can take a small ammount THC and it's not overwhelming. These were the closest moments of formal mediation. And were very interesting and promising. Even after quitting like that it's really easy to experience non-self. I just shift my perspective a little and boom. Besides mediating high in bed, i would meditate walking around at work. It's sort of like "well, I guess I'll just experience no self right now" then something distracts me and pops me out, no problem. I just then instantly pop back in for a second. Since I wasn't formally mediating or had any goals it was just sort of experiencing it for experiences sake. I think that's a good approach going forward.

The message here is to be laid back. Later in life or in the year, if I fix those other issues in my life, I may be able to practice well with a more vigorous attitude, like I have in the past.

Im not gonna have a set formal time or meditiate every day. Some medition is better than none. I'll just try to experience the moment to the beat of my ability without trying to have a future oriented goal.

Just experience no-self. Experience all the little addictions that happen in the moment, which is a way to think of dukkha. <- This paragraph here. This is what I should journal about. Just practicing the basic techniques that I'm good at that help me experience the 3cs, as Daniel and the DhO say.

Idk, I guess thats all to say for now. I feel like o had more important stuff to say, added to the last paragraph. But I'll add it as I go, documenting my experiences practicing them.
finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 2/20/23 5:55 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 2/20/23 5:55 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
So from studying myself it seems I don't want to do sitting practice. And I don't have a nice space I would want to do walking practice in.

However at work I have noticed it can be easy some moments, days, hours to just rest in my bare experience at the moment.

I can see both how I still have maintained a shit load of benefits from practice, and also, conversely, how my lapse in practice has reduced other benefits and effects.

And I see how paradoxically, backing off of practice, let's me practice being in a more chilled, layed back attitude, which facilitate the latter, calming factors of awakening.

I see how sometimes My mind naturally wants to be all sped up, I can see the frame rates. And at other times how I feel a sort of peaceful sober contentment, that is like being on benzodiazapenes.

Further I can see how dealing with my problems in life, solve a lot more than just working on the 2nd and 3rd trainings, i.e. formal mediation skills. Because I was at a work site and I had to step out in tears. I work with a manipulative lady, who is Also very pleasant, which is extremely confusing for my personality. I'm soft and let people walk over me. I called my supervisor and started a paper trial. Working here 5 years that's the only time I had done that. It was a nightmare to do. And I felt conflicting parts of me telling me not to. Other parts telling me that I'm trapped if I don't. It was harrowing for a psychological trip. Another staff I talked to her about my problems with her. And a third staff, I got angry and hurt, and finally got her to understand me a bit more.

I have to deal with all the objects in the room on their terms first. Only then does the drunk state seem to appear.

I get into a flow state. Sometimes it comes in different flavors. Sometimes I also invoke god, and remeber how crazy the deeper reality is. I also just start to be peaceful, and do my job as best I can, without caring what others think of me. This not caring is a major piece to entering into a calm contemplative state at work.

I also did this thing where I try to match people's energy. Or feel them in the room near me. Well see where this goes this week.

I feel myself starting to get excited with expectations and I have to untrained myself to be so map and goal oriented.

I just have to deal with life on its terms each moment.
finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 3/2/23 10:56 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 3/2/23 10:22 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I cleaned my room in the proverbial Jordan Peterson sense. I deep cleaned the shit out of it. I can't tell you how much better I felt after. There is still the bathroom. My kitchen was also a mess. Like am I supposed to just walk around in equanimity when part of my mind is pissed I'm living in flith? I also slightly rearranged the room, which gives me a renewed sense of purpose and fights depression. I used to be a huge gamer but limit myself to a Nintnendo Switch since it's games suck (I'm being fascetious) and are for children. Yep. I bought me two new Metroid games for it. After listening to one of the Qualia Research dudes talk about quality fun, I realized it is some strange form of being slightly closer to god, as he said.

Something really forced me to try to loose weight in March. Carnivore, vegetable diet. Low starches. No seed oils or grains. I want to walk in there and impress my doctor with weight loss, but really with my ability to make shit happen. /end of diatribe.

Ok, this is another thing that is going to sound kind of "whats the big deal". I bought a touch screen laptop. I haven't had a properly functinong laptop in years. And I can do projects on it. And actually type! Like right now! Instead of all my other posts on the phone like a deranged cave man for cripes sakes...

I met this lady at work who kept smiling at me. Beauty is subjective, although I know some things are more objective. But this girl melted my heart and had the most beautiful face. If I could date a girl like that, it would make me feel so good about myself. I did think she wanted me to ask her out but my life is in no place to do that. And she cant see the fat under my clothes... I've never had a girlfriend before.

I hope this post paints a picture of some changes in my life. The initial thesis of this meditation log is to get my life togehter in 23'. And it is already 1/4th over. Unlike "gunning for stream entry", this forceful urgency is actually incredibly helpful and ass kicking, in this other realm of training in morality. 

To loop back, she is giving me the time off to help get my shit together. It's technically for insomnia/anxiety because "the man" needs a reason, legally, a reason I can't do my job 2 days a month. So now I get to call in for 2 days, for 5 months. I'm also intending to see a psychologist. A real, scary, classically trained one. Not the hippie kind's of seen. No, I won't tell them about meditation practice uncensored.

So far I mostly feel like I'm failing at the whole 23' project. I did notice some synchonicities happen to help me fight, attenuate or cease my addictions. WIthout getting too comlicated, I think some major pieces are - external world syncrhonicites, spirituality and harmony with the entire universe. - Being hard on myself and keep adding stuff to the list. Even if I fail, that sense of failure is helping me more than being coddled. - An internal relationship with the bigger spiritual picture. Bowing down to the sacred vastness, and trusting it. Or another side of it, the universe is like a giant loving mom. - My relationships with the people in my life, channeling that divine energy throuh me, and letting it inform these interactions with people. Also right thought. Not having mean psychopathic thoughts towards them, practicing love, not hate.

The Ohio train disaster really hit me hard. It made a lot of people really feel like we've lost our society. Regular people. Because if corporations have that much power, It means they are in control. I don't believe they are 100%, and that shit will fall appart for them hard. But, it won't be easy. It is possible to birth a golden age for the children in a generation or two. I've heard many people with more intersting perosnlaites or lives, such as Daniel, say that on one day they are hopeful, and the next they say "ah, fuck. we're all gonna die".

I want to be sane and calm, but when I work too much with this de facto corporate fascism, I start to feel dreadful. I think "how the fuck am I, a 31 year old, supposed to get my life together. To live a prosperous life, and start a family and buy a house in the country when Black Rock is deliberately fucking us out of it? Black Rock just being a specific example, on purpose. On top of that black budgets exist. And the last few years constant government push for "disclosure", which Greer said would happen. So corporations own the regular world, but who the fuck is the pimp who gets to decide where and what for, this fucked up anti gravity technology is used? What kind of insane world is this we live in? Everything is coming to a head. I can't even imagine what things will look like in 10 years.

I have my foot in at least two doors. The regular getting my shit together door, which is the room where the "real world" is, and another door that leads to everything coming to a head. The room most people either ignore or don't even know is there, or that they are in it!

Let's just wish me luck on the diet. Let's just start there.
Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 3/3/23 8:10 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 3/3/23 8:05 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 4689 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Am I wrong if I'm reading a lot of self-criticism into your last comment? Try to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. I also notice a lot of comparing and that's something to be aware of. We're all flawed beings, you know emoticon

I like your last sentence - one step, one thing, at a time!
finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 12:32 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 12:32 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Oh yeah you do definitely sense self-criticism. If I say that "I'm a mess" or my life is a mess. It definitely has some validity, and I can react to it in various ways. It's become overwhelming latey, where I feel the mess. It feels so bad, and then I crumble!

I appreciate the reminder for self love. The last few days have been promising. And perhaps I've been  more self-loving.

And so far I've actually fixed my diet.
finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 1:20 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 1:20 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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My main focus right now should be "right-mind", "right-well being", "right-heart"". And an auxillary and equally important focus is the motivation project. I've been depressed by a strange paradox. That some part of me wants to live a good spiritual life, and practice every day, but another part of me does not want to. It is when I don't feel any motivation to meditate. Considering I've done retreats, and practiced religiously all most of 2021, and most of 2022, it kind of racks my brain: "How can I have wanted to meditate so much, but I can't get myself into gear right now?". And because I know how important it is, it's like some kind of conversation with god. Like I know the whole package is better off it I do this. I was put here to do this. And also I'm an animal-self, and a psycholgical, neurological being that has many different internal forces. It is a mystery. I allow this dichotomy of motivation-non-motivation to be a dance of god. The whole of existence is a mystery, why I am a soul and human is a mystery, and so is my apparent lack of motivation. So I can kind of bow down to the mystery. I can sort of chill out and just let it ride out. Sort of hacking synchonicity to lead me to having a far better meditation practice and life.

It's sort of working. For about 6ish weeks I was getting pretty depressed. I had a really good sit the other day. It was only 15 minutes but quality over quantity. As much as it pains me to say that. I want to be a "gung ho meditator". This is one of my little inner personalities. I literally feel sick in my body when I think about how short that sit was. But  the neat thing is, is that I can just see it as dukkha.

There are also the acute benefits of practice. If I do it more again, it will start to build and I will get better at it. This will help my life and job, and futher convince me to meditate more. It's also extremely restful in a way reading, gaming or videos are not. It's painful at times, but that pain helps me. I believe they call it "annealing" in recent consiousness research (QRI). I've been reading a lot from that website. The 90% of the math, science and computer stuff goes over my head, but it's been extremely helpful for everything I've described.

I remember back in 2015ish, I just thought it was some super fascinating blog by some hidden eccentric smart person. I was thrilled to read it, but now it's this giant nexus of research. This is the consiousness research I've always dreamed existed. It's actually been really grounding to hear or read about this stuff in such a context.

1. It is a huge validation for the culture of existing in a living, conscious universe. And 2. It grounds me in a sane, calming framework.

And there is a lot of basic wisdom I learn from there that sloughs off on me. I picked up to live my life as if I'm preparing for an upcoming psychedlic trip in two weeks. This refers back "right-heart". And in the spirit of other random wisdom, I learned that there are fields around people. And it's possible to positively vibe with them. Your physiology and biorhythoms synchronize with other people when you are near them and connecting with them.

One point of motivation is the equanimity state or ñana. It's really trippy and interesting. And it's a little healing pod. It's apparently neural annealing, which is sweet. Of all my skills or lacktherof I'm actually able to do this. It makes me really happy I have such a skill and can capitilize on it. As I should.

Another point is the 5-meo. When I'm in the right place, and in a state of equanimity, I will take a small dose. The fact I'm planning this is motivation enough to practice. It is amazing that it is described as being similar to jhana. If I can use it as a medititon aid that's awesome. I have been on medium to large doses of psychelics while much younger and in the dark night. I'm a little nervous with butterflies like a first date. I also tried 2 small doses of mushrooms last Fall, and it was very interesting. 

Another point is the consciousness research suggesting DMT entities are consiousness agents inside your field of awareness. It's actually a part of your own mind. A super advanced and intelligent part that also takes on a distinct personality. Again, this all feels very grounding. One of the only metaphysical insights I would bet on would be universal consciousness, which makes sense. There isn't proof for it yet, but there seems to be people who say that makes the most logical sense. But I would not have been able to bet on the actual existence of external DMT entities. To have some evidence that these things are part of your mind kind of makes me feel more grounded and sane, even though I've never taken smoked DMT.
finding-oneself *, modified 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 2:07 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 3/7/23 2:07 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Brief, meditation experience:

I was lying in bed, full attention. Relaxing and enjoying lying there. 
But the main thing I'm documenting is that I sort of became a toroid. 

I can't tell if it was just vision, but I suspect space itself seemed to be morphing, and a subtle physical sensations somewhere. I know they describe this later in equanimity, but this must have been earlier. This wasn't occuring to the entire field, it was just happening in my face, in my visual area, where it feels like the vision is. It took a certain ammount of relaxation and equanimity for it to happen, I think.
finding-oneself *, modified 2 Months ago at 3/13/23 3:36 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/13/23 3:36 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I guess I'll finally spill the beans, which I've threatened to before. The only reason is because I finally have acted on fixing it. I've been addicted to "kratom" since about 2015. I originally got into it out of curiosity and for recreation. Which it worked for. When I was moving to Colorado for college, I was a mess, socially terrified, and about to live with strangers, and meet a ton of poeple. I had discovered a small amount of kratom worked for social anxiety. I can tell you that it helped me as training wheels for dealing with social situations. I quit over the summer in 2016 when I moved in with my brother over the summer. My brother died in November 2016, god rest his soul. For his funeral I had quit, three days before. And I had used low dose naltrexone to expidite the withdrawals...

Since graduating college, I don't really need it anymore. There may have been an argument for it helping when I first started my job. But now this is getting rediculous. I have to take a halarious ammount of dry plant matter to get to sleep. But my tolerance has been so boosted I now have insomnia. I have know iboga could work. I only waited until now to actually pull the trigger. I will have 5 days off to do it. I'm going to take a medium dose and see what it does to my tolerance. I also have some nasal spray, that has helped heroin users quit, which is also made out of iboga. You use a small dose each day, which is below the level of perception, and within weeks it can reduce tolerance. So I can hit it with both methods. If the medium dose doesn't totally reset my toleranece, I will try the nasal spray. If there is still some room for reducing tolerance, I will hit it with another medium dose. I'm not looking for a flood dose, or for a massive trip. I'm ok with a long duration medium trip. I will try a small ammount first, and investigate any feelings of euphoria and or fear that crop up. Knowing how I'm wired, it could easily go either way. By investigate, I mean literally, I will be meditating.

Another thing I can tell you is my kratom addiction fucks with my ability to meditate and thus the progress of insight. Not only that, the insomnia makes meditation worse... It's not black and white. As the kratom helped with social anxiety, the negative feelings kratom create can make good meditaiton objects. I have definitely mediated on the physical pain the kratom/level of tolerance causes... It's like when people meditate on the pain of physically sitting. It's meditation on hard more. I have no doubt if I clear this problem up, I will get to stream entry. I was able to make so much progress in my 2021 stint, in this new phase of my life. And reflecting on the first hurdles before 2015, which was my longer first streak of meditation with two retreats.

There is a bit of irony and dark humor that my brother overdosed on heroin, and could have been saved by iboga. Looking back I'm kicking myself for not having the forsight to get that together for him. This go around I did not save my brother and we, collectively, lost a soul. If my brother could cold turkey quit fucking heroin, I can do it with kratom, especially with these tools I have.
finding-oneself *, modified 2 Months ago at 3/18/23 4:56 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/18/23 4:56 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I feel quite "back", now that I'm paying attention to this stuff again somewhat regularly. I find myself sort of dissolving suffering with equanimity. Paying attention to the room, the person I'm working with, my body, mind and thoughts, etc. I'm still not sitting regularly. I need to do this for my well being in general. Other things, I'm learning to just have my open heart "hippie" attitude back and online most of the time. It's said there will be two kinds of "good vibe engineers: in the futrure (and present). The people who just naturally embody good vibes. And people who get it from a mystical perspective. This idea of simply having "good vibes" is tremendous help. For work, meditation, life and working within the realm of the people vs. the corporate/government thing that's trying to take over. I'm no longer regularly in that realm, occasionally checking in, but when I do I remember to just exhale, feel good vibes, and move it through my body. I feel way better on these multipule fronts.

I think it will really take off when I do get to finally hit hard equanimity this time around... It tends to be self-reinforcing. Knowing how good that state is for my mind and body, it motivates me to keep practicing. And it makes it easier to get there again, in the near term. It will also help to get my concentration up to get the ball rolling. 
finding-oneself *, modified 2 Months ago at 3/22/23 4:00 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 3/22/23 4:00 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I have been semiregularly sitting again. I've been having some experiences with n,n-dmt. Sometimes I will sit for an unknown time, and then I will inhale the dmt, while still sitting. At this point I try to do a slightly stronger dose, relatively speaking.

But what I seem to have a lot of success with is lying in bed, meditating for a bit, then taking small amounts of it. At this point it can go several ways. Usually I get body effects, piti. It really helps with more jhana type meditaiton. It is what weed is supposed to be. I instantly feel my body relax. Sometimes it can get pretty weird and trippy. I have no intention of going deep with it, but I can already tell where these go. I felt an alien feeling hostile intelligence, it was the strongest yet. But the other day I felt more generally that my consiousness, my body, and the room are alive, and on top of that, some other element is alive, extending beyond the physical. Keep in mind these are really weak doses, and they go away fast.

There isn't really any deep experiences here. It basically just enhances my already developed sense of mysticism. The whole point is to just breifly experience it to get aquainted with the effcts. Later I will be doing the same thing with 5-meo, which is famous for being a unique non-dual psychedelic.
finding-oneself *, modified 2 Months ago at 4/2/23 7:57 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 4/2/23 7:57 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I did it! I finally got to equanimity... I have a new phase of practice where I don't really time sits anymore. I can see there I have developed an unhealthy mindset, or perhaps one counter to practice. I have also continued to experiement with low dose psychedelics, in which my meditation practice is intertwined with, offering me some kind of ritual around which to meditate. Either formally, informally or whatever is appropriate at that moment, which is a definition of staying present. I just let the thing do what it naturally wants to do. I do do noting sometimes, or not. I notice the 3 Cs, or do more concentrationy type stuff.

I finally decided to try the 5-meo this weekend. My apparatis is a god send, because people easily "overdose" on this stuff. My target is just 1mg. If this stuff is apparently a nondual experience inducer, then it should be good for meditation. It definitely feels different than other psychedelics, like DMT or mushrooms, however, I havn't seen anything "nondual" yet. I think the idea here is just to practice equanimtiy before hand, then do it, and see what happens.

I did however manage to pull off an ok experience in psychedelic space at a slightly higher dose. It required getting to EQ first, it worked.
finding-oneself *, modified 1 Month ago at 4/9/23 10:30 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/9/23 10:30 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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- My practice is to emulate the EQ state. I'm not sure how far I got, but I try to dissolve my sense of self, and to notice thoughts and space inside my head as non-self, and impermanant. Not so much dukkha. However this last sit, I do indeed naturally focus on dukkha, especially toward the beggining. But it was mostly nice as the sit progressed. Sitting comfortably on buckwheat and gravely type stuff.
At that point I began hitting my fiveMEO vape. The vibrations it produces are very smooth, compared to DMT, which are very coarse and fast,           energizing, getting very weird in content, very fast with dose. 5meo, doesn't seem to have that content. It seems to be a good state for EQ mediation and   prayer, and god.

- I was taking tiny doses, and then decided to make a liquid vape pen, which I can titrate small doses. I'm never going to take more than 1-5mg. With this method I'm taking less than a mg, and can kind of build up, slightly, before the effects fade. It's very weak. It's essentially motivation to practice and study the mind. Any stronger in the pen, it may be possible to over shot the intended dose, which I'm mindful of.

For those of you reading don't worry, I'm playing it safe. I don't necessarily recommend other people do what I do. I'm as cautious about psychedelics as Daniel writes about the dangers of meditation. My life has gotten way better since I've started doing this. I'm not sure how much this is all helping meditation, but it's at least helping on a relative level. I can see the 5-meo helping meditation if I manage to take 1mg, while being in heavy EQ. It could be very healing for the mind/body.

Previously I've intergrated the reality that there is only one reality/being, i.e. god, and that this ride goes on forever. There have been moments lying in bed, short of breath, freaked out. But I realized that's just an animal reacting to the gravity of the situation. It's harder to contend with the reality that life in is infinite and eternal. An atheiest/materialist death, is a pleasant one. It's nirvanna, and it's as if nothing ever existed. But I know that can't be true, becasue there never should have been any consiousness if true... I have a point here. I've had a lingering phobia of the psychedelic experience. The 5-meo doesn't serve that function. It's the DMT. I keep titrating small-medium ammounts and just abiding in the strangeness, uncomfortability, helplessness, and sometimes a small amount of pleasure. Then if I want, and find it wise, I can take just one more hit to propell me slightly further in, if I'm feeling particularly brave. All the while knowing it will end in minutes. I find myself reentering similar psychedelic space, or even different space, but similar in intensity, and feeling freaked out, but remaining equanamous on some level, staying level headed.

A fun idea, is after being more attained meditation-wise, is taking the plung and doing a full dose of n,n-DMT, to see what it's like. I fanticize about having my life together in 10 years, and having hit at least SE. Life is so interesting and rich, it excites me that I may get to see it some day. For some reason I'm more cautious about a "full" dose of 5-meo even 10 years later. I feel like that's what will happen when I die anyway. So i'm only gonna do it if I think I will fell ready to die. Very heavy stuff to think about.
finding-oneself *, modified 1 Month ago at 4/14/23 9:08 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/14/23 9:08 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Now I confidently can say I did, and am continuing to reach EQ. I know for sure now. The first time I mentioned reaching there was combining methods, I was on a certain drug. But I got to EQ sober, multipule times. But the important thing seems to be this new phase in motivation and attitude. Genuinely not caring as much if I'm experiencing DN symptoms, not lusting for EQ, not wanting to get there. And not doubting my ability to get there when in the DN.

I've started timing sits with the indefinite timer, but I don't plan sits ahead of time. It seems this week I've been meditating at least every other day, in the sitting positon. And every day in bed before sleep.

There is also a new phase in consiousness in waking life. I'm able to just get into this or that stage, or attitude just walking around. Especially when I put my headphones in listneing to Shinzen. His voice is like a reminder to just abide in consiousness, flow, etc. Listeing long enough I get fatigued and tune out, like when you're driving and tune out. That's ok too. But the point is, I'm getting into these flow states again, like I used to. But less neuroticism and tension around getting them to happen. They can be like a bandaid for work stress. But now, I take it or leave it, and am greatful for when it's present.

Looking back the 5meo was a great idea. It's sort of linked with motivation. I know that it will be at the end of my sit if I want. It's an intersting experiment. I get to look forward to getting into really deep EQ, then trying it. So far I've only done it in lower EQ. Sometimes it clashes with meditation, sometimes it helps. But I feel like, either I got the dose wrong, or I failed to properly let go into the somatic feelings being produced, or mental effects. It's all a learning curve.

All that being said, I'm really starting to appreciate the meditation engine starting to fire back up to full strength. This is really fun. While the 5meo and it's prospects are fun and exciting, it's mostly about the EQ for me. I love being in EQ, and am greatful for the abilitiy to do that.
finding-oneself *, modified 1 Month ago at 4/14/23 9:10 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/14/23 9:10 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I guess "being in the flow", at work, or on break, driving, etc, means investigation, using MCTB terminology. Shizen flow means impermanance. 

My experience is impermanance, and loosing my sense of self. And dukkha sometimes.
finding-oneself *, modified 1 Month ago at 4/22/23 3:39 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 4/22/23 3:39 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm always finding helpful fixes, hacks or bandaids. After thinking about shinto (probably), video games like Micro$oft's "Ori" or anime with "spirits", like "Spirited Away", or more western mideaval ideas, I realized those beings walking around in cities and parks are spirits or souls.

Sometimes I'm able to keep calm and stay in a spontaneous social anxiety free state, just basking in the entire visual and somatic fields as I walk through the busy city. Other times I feel the beings there as gravity points sucking my attention and or causing me aversion.

If I remember that's just a soul inhabiting a realm, it helps. Obviously the happenings in consciousness is the observation of a soul directly, subjectively. This one.
finding-oneself *, modified 7 Days ago at 5/28/23 10:57 PM
Created 7 Days ago at 5/28/23 10:57 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm still going forward. I'm not meditating as much as I had used to. I am however developing good habits in my life, step by step. 

There is one good meditaiton development. I'm reading small portions of MCTB and also podcasts, to keep up interest. And I have discovered myself inpromptu sitting in nature or green areas in the city I jog in. I get kind of burnt out by meditation and the goal. And I get burnt out by being in my appartment. And I have really been using a lot of downtime from work for entertiainment purposes. Basically the jog activates the appartment, as it's no longer a burden when I return. And having have meditated prior, that is taken care of. It feels really balanced.

  • But the improvement is just sitting there noticing what is happening right now. Because I'm not focused on the goal, it sometimes allows for better quality sits. If I can't do it, I can't do it. This seems to make broader equanimity, at all levels of ñanas or mind states.
I sat there in pain in the middle of my jog, sleep deprived. And I just noticed what I noticed. Sometimes I have the 7 factors as the backbone of the scaffolding keeping me on track. But really it's just staying in the moment, noticing the 3cs as best as I can. If I can't then I'm just mindful of that, because mindfulness preceeds investigation in the 7 factors, and you're supposed to use it as a general guide of skills that build on each other that you can climb over to the next, the previous supporting the next one.

Whats interesting is it worked. I felt way way way better, and continued with my jog. I healed some of the sleep deprivation sensations.

Other than that I usually do it in bed. And I've been doing it at work ocassionally. My concentration is way lower that when it was in the past. But this does sort of function as reinorcement to keep going. Knowing concentration will build later. And knowing this will help me with work.

"Just keep going as much as you can". I'm not designing it this way or doing it on purpose. This is metaphorically having my life be in desire for deliverance, but after the desperation. Where you just give up.

And as a side note, I've been working with very small puffs of 5-meo-DMT. It works as advertised. When in small doses it's not this grand nondual experience. But it does make sensations feel smoother, similar to the  equanimity, ñana but in a forceful way. But what's advertised in small doses is psychologically feeling more connected to the environment or people. You want to make the environment better and help people. Like normally kids bug me. Im meditating with my eyes closed, having took a drag like 5 minutes ago, still feeling its effects. And I feel the family and the kids walk by to look at this awesome tree. I feel their energy and I feel the love in the family. Like the love I felt when I was a kid. It made me really apprecaite them and wish them well, like a very smooth and friendly silent prayer or wellwishes going back to them. The prayer itself felt like it was the sensations of the family I was experiencing that were giving me the good feelings. So the experience of the family was itself the prayer and vice versa. I'm pretty sure this is an experince of nondual on some form. In any case, it's very postive.
finding-oneself *, modified 15 Hours ago at 6/4/23 8:54 PM
Created 15 Hours ago at 6/4/23 8:54 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 280 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Synchronicty Journal and an apparent ESP phenomenon.

I was listening to an Aubrey Marcus podcast, very very dispassionately (not in the dharmic sense), and fairly tuned out. I was walking around a city. They were talking about rain and magical phenomenon. I hadn't realized until I was driving on the highway, all the way out of the city, that back during my walk, it started raining.

It was a sunny day with fat clouds. I was in the only spot that it rained, and it was a trickle, but they were FAT drops. The cloud was huge and moderately dark on the bottom. As I was walking around I even thought "hmm that looks like it might rain". 

The podcast wasn't just casually talking about rain and magic. It was overt and intnese. The guest is vetted by Aubrey. I think he's authentic. In any case, whereever this guy went for spiritual gatherings, it rained. Even Egypt. This is a very shit synopsis of the podcast. The main vibe I got is that the elements are alive, and consious, although much different than us. And there is a reason traditions make offerings and thanks to the elements, the earth, etc. These are very basic things. It's not a random god out of a pantheon, it's literally important to every civillization and species on this planet.

My personal take away on the way home was that, I can and should have more faith. In the 5 spirital faculties sense, and the training in morality sense. And the 3, errr, things? I'm not sure what they are called. The dharmakaya, as well as the heaveans and the physical reality. The three "kayas".


I was fanticising about joury duty, also very casually and dispassionately. Somehwere between an intense fantasy, and just regular background thinking. To be totally transparent I don't remember when I was thinking about it. It could literally be this week, or 8 weeks ago. But 1 to 6 weeks sounds about right.

Well guess what? I got a letter for it just now. What the fuck. I never got it in my life. I categorized it arbitratily, in some ways as "ESP", but it more just feels like being in the flow of life. In the pocket. Very similar to the moment realizing it had rained that day.

Mediation - Ill talk about this next post. It's going good. I feel a boon from the spiritual realm. And I feel it at work, in effect helping me. As distinct from the 3 cs. But Shinzen talks about a vertical path (to enlightenment), and a horizontal path (into the shamanic realm). But some people, like me, go at an angle. I feel it helping my life.