RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 2/18/23 6:33 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 2/18/23 6:33 PM

Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I fell off practice for a while. Something derailed my on the cushion practice. I also have vowed to fix my life in 2023.

This involves basic stuff like keeping things tidy and being responsible. Meditating again and strategically taking psycheldics in the appropriate ways. My intention is to inhale a tiny amount of 5-meo-dmt, after I'm in the equanimity stage, and see what happens. I don't want to take big doses, because it's unwise for me at the moment. And I just plain don't want to. It makes more sense to just have the basic goal of practicing well. And later in my life I can open pandoras box if I want. 

My interest is rekindled by reading consiousness research on the subject. I'm also quite inspired by thinking about big picture, how there is life/death. Souls. An ocean of consiousness after death. A multiverese where the entire universe is you. Including all the God realms and suffering. I've long since integrated the terror of having consiousness being forced to exist in perpetuity and experience all the suffering an infinite number of times. And the terror of realizing there is only one "person" in the room. I am still a psychedelic virgin in a way, by only experiencing mostly the dark side of it, and a handful of random experiences. This is very promising A. I have integrated some of the unpleasant and B. The potential of experiencing the positive lay ahead. I will be reading both about negative and positive 5 meo experiences.

Despite quitting practice, I have found myself  experiencing many moments of mindfulness. Also synchronicity, things trying to get my life back on track.

I have a lot of work to do this year in the conventional sense. But I think my practice will benefit from being a little bit more laid back.

I've found a way to hack THC tolerance and increase it using CBN (canabinol). Its not psychoactive normally, but I have such sensitivity to THC, at first it actually got me quite altered. I took a mixture or CBN/THC which worked. Now I can take a small ammount THC and it's not overwhelming. These were the closest moments of formal mediation. And were very interesting and promising. Even after quitting like that it's really easy to experience non-self. I just shift my perspective a little and boom. Besides mediating high in bed, i would meditate walking around at work. It's sort of like "well, I guess I'll just experience no self right now" then something distracts me and pops me out, no problem. I just then instantly pop back in for a second. Since I wasn't formally mediating or had any goals it was just sort of experiencing it for experiences sake. I think that's a good approach going forward.

The message here is to be laid back. Later in life or in the year, if I fix those other issues in my life, I may be able to practice well with a more vigorous attitude, like I have in the past.

Im not gonna have a set formal time or meditiate every day. Some medition is better than none. I'll just try to experience the moment to the beat of my ability without trying to have a future oriented goal.

Just experience no-self. Experience all the little addictions that happen in the moment, which is a way to think of dukkha. <- This paragraph here. This is what I should journal about. Just practicing the basic techniques that I'm good at that help me experience the 3cs, as Daniel and the DhO say.

Idk, I guess thats all to say for now. I feel like o had more important stuff to say, added to the last paragraph. But I'll add it as I go, documenting my experiences practicing them.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 2/20/23 5:55 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 2/20/23 5:55 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
So from studying myself it seems I don't want to do sitting practice. And I don't have a nice space I would want to do walking practice in.

However at work I have noticed it can be easy some moments, days, hours to just rest in my bare experience at the moment.

I can see both how I still have maintained a shit load of benefits from practice, and also, conversely, how my lapse in practice has reduced other benefits and effects.

And I see how paradoxically, backing off of practice, let's me practice being in a more chilled, layed back attitude, which facilitate the latter, calming factors of awakening.

I see how sometimes My mind naturally wants to be all sped up, I can see the frame rates. And at other times how I feel a sort of peaceful sober contentment, that is like being on benzodiazapenes.

Further I can see how dealing with my problems in life, solve a lot more than just working on the 2nd and 3rd trainings, i.e. formal mediation skills. Because I was at a work site and I had to step out in tears. I work with a manipulative lady, who is Also very pleasant, which is extremely confusing for my personality. I'm soft and let people walk over me. I called my supervisor and started a paper trial. Working here 5 years that's the only time I had done that. It was a nightmare to do. And I felt conflicting parts of me telling me not to. Other parts telling me that I'm trapped if I don't. It was harrowing for a psychological trip. Another staff I talked to her about my problems with her. And a third staff, I got angry and hurt, and finally got her to understand me a bit more.

I have to deal with all the objects in the room on their terms first. Only then does the drunk state seem to appear.

I get into a flow state. Sometimes it comes in different flavors. Sometimes I also invoke god, and remeber how crazy the deeper reality is. I also just start to be peaceful, and do my job as best I can, without caring what others think of me. This not caring is a major piece to entering into a calm contemplative state at work.

I also did this thing where I try to match people's energy. Or feel them in the room near me. Well see where this goes this week.

I feel myself starting to get excited with expectations and I have to untrained myself to be so map and goal oriented.

I just have to deal with life on its terms each moment.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/2/23 10:56 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/2/23 10:22 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I cleaned my room in the proverbial Jordan Peterson sense. I deep cleaned the shit out of it. I can't tell you how much better I felt after. There is still the bathroom. My kitchen was also a mess. Like am I supposed to just walk around in equanimity when part of my mind is pissed I'm living in flith? I also slightly rearranged the room, which gives me a renewed sense of purpose and fights depression. I used to be a huge gamer but limit myself to a Nintnendo Switch since it's games suck (I'm being fascetious) and are for children. Yep. I bought me two new Metroid games for it. After listening to one of the Qualia Research dudes talk about quality fun, I realized it is some strange form of being slightly closer to god, as he said.

Something really forced me to try to loose weight in March. Carnivore, vegetable diet. Low starches. No seed oils or grains. I want to walk in there and impress my doctor with weight loss, but really with my ability to make shit happen. /end of diatribe.

Ok, this is another thing that is going to sound kind of "whats the big deal". I bought a touch screen laptop. I haven't had a properly functinong laptop in years. And I can do projects on it. And actually type! Like right now! Instead of all my other posts on the phone like a deranged cave man for cripes sakes...

I met this lady at work who kept smiling at me. Beauty is subjective, although I know some things are more objective. But this girl melted my heart and had the most beautiful face. If I could date a girl like that, it would make me feel so good about myself. I did think she wanted me to ask her out but my life is in no place to do that. And she cant see the fat under my clothes... I've never had a girlfriend before.

I hope this post paints a picture of some changes in my life. The initial thesis of this meditation log is to get my life togehter in 23'. And it is already 1/4th over. Unlike "gunning for stream entry", this forceful urgency is actually incredibly helpful and ass kicking, in this other realm of training in morality. 

To loop back, she is giving me the time off to help get my shit together. It's technically for insomnia/anxiety because "the man" needs a reason, legally, a reason I can't do my job 2 days a month. So now I get to call in for 2 days, for 5 months. I'm also intending to see a psychologist. A real, scary, classically trained one. Not the hippie kind's of seen. No, I won't tell them about meditation practice uncensored.

So far I mostly feel like I'm failing at the whole 23' project. I did notice some synchonicities happen to help me fight, attenuate or cease my addictions. WIthout getting too comlicated, I think some major pieces are - external world syncrhonicites, spirituality and harmony with the entire universe. - Being hard on myself and keep adding stuff to the list. Even if I fail, that sense of failure is helping me more than being coddled. - An internal relationship with the bigger spiritual picture. Bowing down to the sacred vastness, and trusting it. Or another side of it, the universe is like a giant loving mom. - My relationships with the people in my life, channeling that divine energy throuh me, and letting it inform these interactions with people. Also right thought. Not having mean psychopathic thoughts towards them, practicing love, not hate.

The Ohio train disaster really hit me hard. It made a lot of people really feel like we've lost our society. Regular people. Because if corporations have that much power, It means they are in control. I don't believe they are 100%, and that shit will fall appart for them hard. But, it won't be easy. It is possible to birth a golden age for the children in a generation or two. I've heard many people with more intersting perosnlaites or lives, such as Daniel, say that on one day they are hopeful, and the next they say "ah, fuck. we're all gonna die".

I want to be sane and calm, but when I work too much with this de facto corporate fascism, I start to feel dreadful. I think "how the fuck am I, a 31 year old, supposed to get my life together. To live a prosperous life, and start a family and buy a house in the country when Black Rock is deliberately fucking us out of it? Black Rock just being a specific example, on purpose. On top of that black budgets exist. And the last few years constant government push for "disclosure", which Greer said would happen. So corporations own the regular world, but who the fuck is the pimp who gets to decide where and what for, this fucked up anti gravity technology is used? What kind of insane world is this we live in? Everything is coming to a head. I can't even imagine what things will look like in 10 years.

I have my foot in at least two doors. The regular getting my shit together door, which is the room where the "real world" is, and another door that leads to everything coming to a head. The room most people either ignore or don't even know is there, or that they are in it!

Let's just wish me luck on the diet. Let's just start there.
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Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 3/3/23 8:10 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/3/23 8:05 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Am I wrong if I'm reading a lot of self-criticism into your last comment? Try to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. I also notice a lot of comparing and that's something to be aware of. We're all flawed beings, you know emoticon

I like your last sentence - one step, one thing, at a time!
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 12:32 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 12:32 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Oh yeah you do definitely sense self-criticism. If I say that "I'm a mess" or my life is a mess. It definitely has some validity, and I can react to it in various ways. It's become overwhelming latey, where I feel the mess. It feels so bad, and then I crumble!

I appreciate the reminder for self love. The last few days have been promising. And perhaps I've been  more self-loving.

And so far I've actually fixed my diet.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 1:20 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 1:20 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
My main focus right now should be "right-mind", "right-well being", "right-heart"". And an auxillary and equally important focus is the motivation project. I've been depressed by a strange paradox. That some part of me wants to live a good spiritual life, and practice every day, but another part of me does not want to. It is when I don't feel any motivation to meditate. Considering I've done retreats, and practiced religiously all most of 2021, and most of 2022, it kind of racks my brain: "How can I have wanted to meditate so much, but I can't get myself into gear right now?". And because I know how important it is, it's like some kind of conversation with god. Like I know the whole package is better off it I do this. I was put here to do this. And also I'm an animal-self, and a psycholgical, neurological being that has many different internal forces. It is a mystery. I allow this dichotomy of motivation-non-motivation to be a dance of god. The whole of existence is a mystery, why I am a soul and human is a mystery, and so is my apparent lack of motivation. So I can kind of bow down to the mystery. I can sort of chill out and just let it ride out. Sort of hacking synchonicity to lead me to having a far better meditation practice and life.

It's sort of working. For about 6ish weeks I was getting pretty depressed. I had a really good sit the other day. It was only 15 minutes but quality over quantity. As much as it pains me to say that. I want to be a "gung ho meditator". This is one of my little inner personalities. I literally feel sick in my body when I think about how short that sit was. But  the neat thing is, is that I can just see it as dukkha.

There are also the acute benefits of practice. If I do it more again, it will start to build and I will get better at it. This will help my life and job, and futher convince me to meditate more. It's also extremely restful in a way reading, gaming or videos are not. It's painful at times, but that pain helps me. I believe they call it "annealing" in recent consiousness research (QRI). I've been reading a lot from that website. The 90% of the math, science and computer stuff goes over my head, but it's been extremely helpful for everything I've described.

I remember back in 2015ish, I just thought it was some super fascinating blog by some hidden eccentric smart person. I was thrilled to read it, but now it's this giant nexus of research. This is the consiousness research I've always dreamed existed. It's actually been really grounding to hear or read about this stuff in such a context.

1. It is a huge validation for the culture of existing in a living, conscious universe. And 2. It grounds me in a sane, calming framework.

And there is a lot of basic wisdom I learn from there that sloughs off on me. I picked up to live my life as if I'm preparing for an upcoming psychedlic trip in two weeks. This refers back "right-heart". And in the spirit of other random wisdom, I learned that there are fields around people. And it's possible to positively vibe with them. Your physiology and biorhythoms synchronize with other people when you are near them and connecting with them.

One point of motivation is the equanimity state or ñana. It's really trippy and interesting. And it's a little healing pod. It's apparently neural annealing, which is sweet. Of all my skills or lacktherof I'm actually able to do this. It makes me really happy I have such a skill and can capitilize on it. As I should.

Another point is the 5-meo. When I'm in the right place, and in a state of equanimity, I will take a small dose. The fact I'm planning this is motivation enough to practice. It is amazing that it is described as being similar to jhana. If I can use it as a medititon aid that's awesome. I have been on medium to large doses of psychelics while much younger and in the dark night. I'm a little nervous with butterflies like a first date. I also tried 2 small doses of mushrooms last Fall, and it was very interesting. 

Another point is the consciousness research suggesting DMT entities are consiousness agents inside your field of awareness. It's actually a part of your own mind. A super advanced and intelligent part that also takes on a distinct personality. Again, this all feels very grounding. One of the only metaphysical insights I would bet on would be universal consciousness, which makes sense. There isn't proof for it yet, but there seems to be people who say that makes the most logical sense. But I would not have been able to bet on the actual existence of external DMT entities. To have some evidence that these things are part of your mind kind of makes me feel more grounded and sane, even though I've never taken smoked DMT.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 2:07 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/7/23 2:07 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Brief, meditation experience:

I was lying in bed, full attention. Relaxing and enjoying lying there. 
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But the main thing I'm documenting is that I sort of became a toroid. 

I can't tell if it was just vision, but I suspect space itself seemed to be morphing, and a subtle physical sensations somewhere. I know they describe this later in equanimity, but this must have been earlier. This wasn't occuring to the entire field, it was just happening in my face, in my visual area, where it feels like the vision is. It took a certain ammount of relaxation and equanimity for it to happen, I think.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/13/23 3:36 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/13/23 3:36 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I guess I'll finally spill the beans, which I've threatened to before. The only reason is because I finally have acted on fixing it. I've been addicted to "kratom" since about 2015. I originally got into it out of curiosity and for recreation. Which it worked for. When I was moving to Colorado for college, I was a mess, socially terrified, and about to live with strangers, and meet a ton of poeple. I had discovered a small amount of kratom worked for social anxiety. I can tell you that it helped me as training wheels for dealing with social situations. I quit over the summer in 2016 when I moved in with my brother over the summer. My brother died in November 2016, god rest his soul. For his funeral I had quit, three days before. And I had used low dose naltrexone to expidite the withdrawals...

Since graduating college, I don't really need it anymore. There may have been an argument for it helping when I first started my job. But now this is getting rediculous. I have to take a halarious ammount of dry plant matter to get to sleep. But my tolerance has been so boosted I now have insomnia. I have know iboga could work. I only waited until now to actually pull the trigger. I will have 5 days off to do it. I'm going to take a medium dose and see what it does to my tolerance. I also have some nasal spray, that has helped heroin users quit, which is also made out of iboga. You use a small dose each day, which is below the level of perception, and within weeks it can reduce tolerance. So I can hit it with both methods. If the medium dose doesn't totally reset my toleranece, I will try the nasal spray. If there is still some room for reducing tolerance, I will hit it with another medium dose. I'm not looking for a flood dose, or for a massive trip. I'm ok with a long duration medium trip. I will try a small ammount first, and investigate any feelings of euphoria and or fear that crop up. Knowing how I'm wired, it could easily go either way. By investigate, I mean literally, I will be meditating.

Another thing I can tell you is my kratom addiction fucks with my ability to meditate and thus the progress of insight. Not only that, the insomnia makes meditation worse... It's not black and white. As the kratom helped with social anxiety, the negative feelings kratom create can make good meditaiton objects. I have definitely mediated on the physical pain the kratom/level of tolerance causes... It's like when people meditate on the pain of physically sitting. It's meditation on hard more. I have no doubt if I clear this problem up, I will get to stream entry. I was able to make so much progress in my 2021 stint, in this new phase of my life. And reflecting on the first hurdles before 2015, which was my longer first streak of meditation with two retreats.

There is a bit of irony and dark humor that my brother overdosed on heroin, and could have been saved by iboga. Looking back I'm kicking myself for not having the forsight to get that together for him. This go around I did not save my brother and we, collectively, lost a soul. If my brother could cold turkey quit fucking heroin, I can do it with kratom, especially with these tools I have.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/18/23 4:56 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/18/23 4:56 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Contemplative:

I feel quite "back", now that I'm paying attention to this stuff again somewhat regularly. I find myself sort of dissolving suffering with equanimity. Paying attention to the room, the person I'm working with, my body, mind and thoughts, etc. I'm still not sitting regularly. I need to do this for my well being in general. Other things, I'm learning to just have my open heart "hippie" attitude back and online most of the time. It's said there will be two kinds of "good vibe engineers: in the futrure (and present). The people who just naturally embody good vibes. And people who get it from a mystical perspective. This idea of simply having "good vibes" is tremendous help. For work, meditation, life and working within the realm of the people vs. the corporate/government thing that's trying to take over. I'm no longer regularly in that realm, occasionally checking in, but when I do I remember to just exhale, feel good vibes, and move it through my body. I feel way better on these multipule fronts.

I think it will really take off when I do get to finally hit hard equanimity this time around... It tends to be self-reinforcing. Knowing how good that state is for my mind and body, it motivates me to keep practicing. And it makes it easier to get there again, in the near term. It will also help to get my concentration up to get the ball rolling. 
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finding oneself, modified 1 Year ago at 3/22/23 4:00 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 3/22/23 4:00 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I have been semiregularly sitting again. I've been having some experiences with n,n-dmt. Sometimes I will sit for an unknown time, and then I will inhale the dmt, while still sitting. At this point I try to do a slightly stronger dose, relatively speaking.

But what I seem to have a lot of success with is lying in bed, meditating for a bit, then taking small amounts of it. At this point it can go several ways. Usually I get body effects, piti. It really helps with more jhana type meditaiton. It is what weed is supposed to be. I instantly feel my body relax. Sometimes it can get pretty weird and trippy. I have no intention of going deep with it, but I can already tell where these go. I felt an alien feeling hostile intelligence, it was the strongest yet. But the other day I felt more generally that my consiousness, my body, and the room are alive, and on top of that, some other element is alive, extending beyond the physical. Keep in mind these are really weak doses, and they go away fast.

There isn't really any deep experiences here. It basically just enhances my already developed sense of mysticism. The whole point is to just breifly experience it to get aquainted with the effcts. Later I will be doing the same thing with 5-meo, which is famous for being a unique non-dual psychedelic.
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finding oneself, modified 12 Months ago at 4/2/23 7:57 PM
Created 12 Months ago at 4/2/23 7:57 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I did it! I finally got to equanimity... I have a new phase of practice where I don't really time sits anymore. I can see there I have developed an unhealthy mindset, or perhaps one counter to practice. I have also continued to experiement with low dose psychedelics, in which my meditation practice is intertwined with, offering me some kind of ritual around which to meditate. Either formally, informally or whatever is appropriate at that moment, which is a definition of staying present. I just let the thing do what it naturally wants to do. I do do noting sometimes, or not. I notice the 3 Cs, or do more concentrationy type stuff.

I finally decided to try the 5-meo this weekend. My apparatis is a god send, because people easily "overdose" on this stuff. My target is just 1mg. If this stuff is apparently a nondual experience inducer, then it should be good for meditation. It definitely feels different than other psychedelics, like DMT or mushrooms, however, I havn't seen anything "nondual" yet. I think the idea here is just to practice equanimtiy before hand, then do it, and see what happens.

I did however manage to pull off an ok experience in psychedelic space at a slightly higher dose. It required getting to EQ first, it worked.
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finding oneself, modified 11 Months ago at 4/9/23 10:30 PM
Created 11 Months ago at 4/9/23 10:30 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
- My practice is to emulate the EQ state. I'm not sure how far I got, but I try to dissolve my sense of self, and to notice thoughts and space inside my head as non-self, and impermanant. Not so much dukkha. However this last sit, I do indeed naturally focus on dukkha, especially toward the beggining. But it was mostly nice as the sit progressed. Sitting comfortably on buckwheat and gravely type stuff.
At that point I began hitting my fiveMEO vape. The vibrations it produces are very smooth, compared to DMT, which are very coarse and fast,           energizing, getting very weird in content, very fast with dose. 5meo, doesn't seem to have that content. It seems to be a good state for EQ mediation and   prayer, and god.

- I was taking tiny doses, and then decided to make a liquid vape pen, which I can titrate small doses. I'm never going to take more than 1-5mg. With this method I'm taking less than a mg, and can kind of build up, slightly, before the effects fade. It's very weak. It's essentially motivation to practice and study the mind. Any stronger in the pen, it may be possible to over shot the intended dose, which I'm mindful of.

For those of you reading don't worry, I'm playing it safe. I don't necessarily recommend other people do what I do. I'm as cautious about psychedelics as Daniel writes about the dangers of meditation. My life has gotten way better since I've started doing this. I'm not sure how much this is all helping meditation, but it's at least helping on a relative level. I can see the 5-meo helping meditation if I manage to take 1mg, while being in heavy EQ. It could be very healing for the mind/body.

Previously I've intergrated the reality that there is only one reality/being, i.e. god, and that this ride goes on forever. There have been moments lying in bed, short of breath, freaked out. But I realized that's just an animal reacting to the gravity of the situation. It's harder to contend with the reality that life in is infinite and eternal. An atheiest/materialist death, is a pleasant one. It's nirvanna, and it's as if nothing ever existed. But I know that can't be true, becasue there never should have been any consiousness if true... I have a point here. I've had a lingering phobia of the psychedelic experience. The 5-meo doesn't serve that function. It's the DMT. I keep titrating small-medium ammounts and just abiding in the strangeness, uncomfortability, helplessness, and sometimes a small amount of pleasure. Then if I want, and find it wise, I can take just one more hit to propell me slightly further in, if I'm feeling particularly brave. All the while knowing it will end in minutes. I find myself reentering similar psychedelic space, or even different space, but similar in intensity, and feeling freaked out, but remaining equanamous on some level, staying level headed.

A fun idea, is after being more attained meditation-wise, is taking the plung and doing a full dose of n,n-DMT, to see what it's like. I fanticize about having my life together in 10 years, and having hit at least SE. Life is so interesting and rich, it excites me that I may get to see it some day. For some reason I'm more cautious about a "full" dose of 5-meo even 10 years later. I feel like that's what will happen when I die anyway. So i'm only gonna do it if I think I will fell ready to die. Very heavy stuff to think about.
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finding oneself, modified 11 Months ago at 4/14/23 9:08 PM
Created 11 Months ago at 4/14/23 9:08 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Now I confidently can say I did, and am continuing to reach EQ. I know for sure now. The first time I mentioned reaching there was combining methods, I was on a certain drug. But I got to EQ sober, multipule times. But the important thing seems to be this new phase in motivation and attitude. Genuinely not caring as much if I'm experiencing DN symptoms, not lusting for EQ, not wanting to get there. And not doubting my ability to get there when in the DN.

I've started timing sits with the indefinite timer, but I don't plan sits ahead of time. It seems this week I've been meditating at least every other day, in the sitting positon. And every day in bed before sleep.

There is also a new phase in consiousness in waking life. I'm able to just get into this or that stage, or attitude just walking around. Especially when I put my headphones in listneing to Shinzen. His voice is like a reminder to just abide in consiousness, flow, etc. Listeing long enough I get fatigued and tune out, like when you're driving and tune out. That's ok too. But the point is, I'm getting into these flow states again, like I used to. But less neuroticism and tension around getting them to happen. They can be like a bandaid for work stress. But now, I take it or leave it, and am greatful for when it's present.

Looking back the 5meo was a great idea. It's sort of linked with motivation. I know that it will be at the end of my sit if I want. It's an intersting experiment. I get to look forward to getting into really deep EQ, then trying it. So far I've only done it in lower EQ. Sometimes it clashes with meditation, sometimes it helps. But I feel like, either I got the dose wrong, or I failed to properly let go into the somatic feelings being produced, or mental effects. It's all a learning curve.

All that being said, I'm really starting to appreciate the meditation engine starting to fire back up to full strength. This is really fun. While the 5meo and it's prospects are fun and exciting, it's mostly about the EQ for me. I love being in EQ, and am greatful for the abilitiy to do that.
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finding oneself, modified 11 Months ago at 4/14/23 9:10 PM
Created 11 Months ago at 4/14/23 9:10 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I guess "being in the flow", at work, or on break, driving, etc, means investigation, using MCTB terminology. Shizen flow means impermanance. 

My experience is impermanance, and loosing my sense of self. And dukkha sometimes.
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finding oneself, modified 11 Months ago at 4/22/23 3:39 PM
Created 11 Months ago at 4/22/23 3:39 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm always finding helpful fixes, hacks or bandaids. After thinking about shinto (probably), video games like Micro$oft's "Ori" or anime with "spirits", like "Spirited Away", or more western mideaval ideas, I realized those beings walking around in cities and parks are spirits or souls.

Sometimes I'm able to keep calm and stay in a spontaneous social anxiety free state, just basking in the entire visual and somatic fields as I walk through the busy city. Other times I feel the beings there as gravity points sucking my attention and or causing me aversion.

If I remember that's just a soul inhabiting a realm, it helps. Obviously the happenings in consciousness is the observation of a soul directly, subjectively. This one.
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finding oneself, modified 10 Months ago at 5/28/23 10:57 PM
Created 10 Months ago at 5/28/23 10:57 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm still going forward. I'm not meditating as much as I had used to. I am however developing good habits in my life, step by step. 

There is one good meditaiton development. I'm reading small portions of MCTB and also podcasts, to keep up interest. And I have discovered myself inpromptu sitting in nature or green areas in the city I jog in. I get kind of burnt out by meditation and the goal. And I get burnt out by being in my appartment. And I have really been using a lot of downtime from work for entertiainment purposes. Basically the jog activates the appartment, as it's no longer a burden when I return. And having have meditated prior, that is taken care of. It feels really balanced.

  • But the improvement is just sitting there noticing what is happening right now. Because I'm not focused on the goal, it sometimes allows for better quality sits. If I can't do it, I can't do it. This seems to make broader equanimity, at all levels of ñanas or mind states.
I sat there in pain in the middle of my jog, sleep deprived. And I just noticed what I noticed. Sometimes I have the 7 factors as the backbone of the scaffolding keeping me on track. But really it's just staying in the moment, noticing the 3cs as best as I can. If I can't then I'm just mindful of that, because mindfulness preceeds investigation in the 7 factors, and you're supposed to use it as a general guide of skills that build on each other that you can climb over to the next, the previous supporting the next one.

Whats interesting is it worked. I felt way way way better, and continued with my jog. I healed some of the sleep deprivation sensations.

Other than that I usually do it in bed. And I've been doing it at work ocassionally. My concentration is way lower that when it was in the past. But this does sort of function as reinorcement to keep going. Knowing concentration will build later. And knowing this will help me with work.

"Just keep going as much as you can". I'm not designing it this way or doing it on purpose. This is metaphorically having my life be in desire for deliverance, but after the desperation. Where you just give up.

And as a side note, I've been working with very small puffs of 5-meo-DMT. It works as advertised. When in small doses it's not this grand nondual experience. But it does make sensations feel smoother, similar to the  equanimity, ñana but in a forceful way. But what's advertised in small doses is psychologically feeling more connected to the environment or people. You want to make the environment better and help people. Like normally kids bug me. Im meditating with my eyes closed, having took a drag like 5 minutes ago, still feeling its effects. And I feel the family and the kids walk by to look at this awesome tree. I feel their energy and I feel the love in the family. Like the love I felt when I was a kid. It made me really apprecaite them and wish them well, like a very smooth and friendly silent prayer or wellwishes going back to them. The prayer itself felt like it was the sensations of the family I was experiencing that were giving me the good feelings. So the experience of the family was itself the prayer and vice versa. I'm pretty sure this is an experince of nondual on some form. In any case, it's very postive.
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finding oneself, modified 9 Months ago at 6/4/23 8:54 PM
Created 9 Months ago at 6/4/23 8:54 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Synchronicty Journal and an apparent ESP phenomenon.

I was listening to an Aubrey Marcus podcast, very very dispassionately (not in the dharmic sense), and fairly tuned out. I was walking around a city. They were talking about rain and magical phenomenon. I hadn't realized until I was driving on the highway, all the way out of the city, that back during my walk, it started raining.

It was a sunny day with fat clouds. I was in the only spot that it rained, and it was a trickle, but they were FAT drops. The cloud was huge and moderately dark on the bottom. As I was walking around I even thought "hmm that looks like it might rain". 

The podcast wasn't just casually talking about rain and magic. It was overt and intnese. The guest is vetted by Aubrey. I think he's authentic. In any case, whereever this guy went for spiritual gatherings, it rained. Even Egypt. This is a very shit synopsis of the podcast. The main vibe I got is that the elements are alive, and consious, although much different than us. And there is a reason traditions make offerings and thanks to the elements, the earth, etc. These are very basic things. It's not a random god out of a pantheon, it's literally important to every civillization and species on this planet.

My personal take away on the way home was that, I can and should have more faith. In the 5 spirital faculties sense, and the training in morality sense. And the 3, errr, things? I'm not sure what they are called. The dharmakaya, as well as the heaveans and the physical reality. The three "kayas".

ESP

I was fanticising about joury duty, also very casually and dispassionately. Somehwere between an intense fantasy, and just regular background thinking. To be totally transparent I don't remember when I was thinking about it. It could literally be this week, or 8 weeks ago. But 1 to 6 weeks sounds about right.

Well guess what? I got a letter for it just now. What the fuck. I never got it in my life. I categorized it arbitratily, in some ways as "ESP", but it more just feels like being in the flow of life. In the pocket. Very similar to the moment realizing it had rained that day.

Mediation - Ill talk about this next post. It's going good. I feel a boon from the spiritual realm. And I feel it at work, in effect helping me. As distinct from the 3 cs. But Shinzen talks about a vertical path (to enlightenment), and a horizontal path (into the shamanic realm). But some people, like me, go at an angle. I feel it helping my life.
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finding oneself, modified 9 Months ago at 6/10/23 3:49 PM
Created 9 Months ago at 6/10/23 3:49 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I realized how I have turned  meditation into a fun machine, using 3 different techniques. 1, Trying to get to EQ, and experience the strangeness of it. 2, experincing intersting jhanic sensations, and 3, this very bad attitude of trying to get to SE.

I've since gotten away from these things in a positive way. What augments this is never timing sits, never caring how long I sit. Never caring about the posture, where I do it, ideal or shitty practice conditions.

To paraphrase Daniel, he described a progession of attitude. 1. "Oh my god, I'm gonna practice so I can get enlightend.". 2. "Ok, I'm going to now just sit here with what's happening.... so I can get enlightened!!!". 3, and finally just "I'm just going to sit here and experience what's happening (with the correct vipassana skillset, but sitting with the present nonetheless).

I noticed I'm actually happy to just sit with basic human sensations like I did before I crossed the A&P, and before I started to get traction post A&P. It's really nice just to notice my ass on the chair. Or notice, my feet. Or notice the room. Or how uncomfortable I feel in the room.

And because there's so much practice behind this, I notice the more complicated stuff too. Emotions, valence, craving/aversion/dullness, the three characteristics. Or not. I notice whatever is there and that is enough.

With how hard my life is it's a boon that I have this stuff in my life. I have a built in solution to everything I've been afraid of. Right here is a delicate balance of faith and wisdom. I do think I can cross SE, in my current state, my fucked up life,  being addicted to kratom.

I will actually point out one sit. Formal sit:

I was lying in bed in the middle of the day, feeling terrible. I sat with it in the most passive way, with no expectation for it to go away. Just basic attention to the sensations. And basic attention to the more complicated and subtle phenomena as my sit went on. This happening naturally, no pushing. Eventually it started to feel less unpleassant. Then finally I kept going and it began to distinctly feel like EQ... Which I found fascinating.

Because in the past I would work hard to get there. In this case, I just sat there, with whatever was happening. And I reached EQ, with way less effort or resolve. /end

The basic attitude can be applied to my random sits on benches, or walking around at work. I thought I had to fight really hard to get through the unpelasant body sensations I feel every day. Apparrently not. Having this new attitute, and having it day after day, marks a new phase of practice. The truely not giving a shit phase of practice. Stream entry? It will happen when it will happen.

I'm pretty sure I've been on SE's doorstep many times. If I can get there with a crazy mindset and a lot of effort, then I'm sure I can accomplish at least that and much more with this more mature seeming attitude.
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/8/23 12:43 AM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/8/23 12:43 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
It's been 3 months. Overall I think life is developing well. I had hair loss and started taking a topical for that, which is working. It was traumatic. More traumatic than existential crisis from realizing reality is infinite and eternal and only one thing.

also I think i have diabetes, so i switched to a carnivore diet. I havnt been able to get to the doctor yet. I feel WAY better on a cellular level. And on an organ level I don't feel good. Sometimes things hurt and sometimes I'm tired.

I feel happy I'm being forced to est healthy the rest of my life.. I'm a little overweight and want to loose it. I've always looked weird without a shirt. This time I know I'm going to loose the excess weight because I'm forced to. I'm excited actually....

Anyway, two pretty big dramatic things in my life.

I got into angello dilullo. Sort of My 2nd teacher besides daniel.

This medical problem sort of fucked up practice and also working out. I noticed I'm not inclined towards practicing at work as I'm suffering through this. More so I'm just tending to survival.

But since I have more energy sitting around on the weekends, I actually got to EQ today.

Overall I think a carnivore diet is actually helping meditation.
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/8/23 12:56 AM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/8/23 12:56 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
The way I get to EQ is way different now. Instead of strong determination and a harrowing journey through the DN, it's more boring seeming. More dull sometimes even.

To the point I'm surprised I even get to EQ that way.

I was sitting there, presumably already in EQ... but then i decided to lay down to let my legs reset... then i notived the "vibration" style was that of EQ....

but even more relevance is there is less desperation. As I got up to end the sit, I still felt connected to the eq stage for maybe an hour ...

There's less clinging to EQ and certainly less fear of the DN, than was my baseline years ago.

I felt earlier than perhaps I'm actually closer to a real shot at SE than ever....

The reason is because how chill i felt... ive learned all the ñanas. And moving through them is just more practice i need. Also reframing SE as just "Awakening".... I can be awake NOW any way...

It's all just building all the circuitry as daniel says. And practicing all the skills. Then one day it all just sort of clicks.

I think one of my biggest obstacles was "trying" to get to EQ. And then feeling so awkward and clingy in the ñ11.j3 phase... like reality and mind is so slippery and weird. And I'm trying to keep all the variables afloat and try to be aware of all the right shit to make stream entry pop...

But I realized I can just chill... when I HAPPEN to be there and when it HAPPENS to be more intense (jhanic?), then I just abide in it on its own accord to learn it's lessons on its own terms. It's like a mix of 4th VJ attention, with the weirdness of VJ 3.

Literally I use the phrase "dark night attentional phase" or some variation. Or just a mental recognition of the concept non verbally. And it will remind me to synchronize with that weird way or attention being out of phase. And suddenly I can focus and understand my mind and experience and practice becomes functioning correctly.

The same principal applies to ñ11.j3.

Eventually it really just becomes just being bare awareness in the moment. A healthy mix of all these practices. Bare awareness being helped by Angelo DiLullos work.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 5 Months ago at 10/9/23 3:46 AM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/9/23 3:43 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 2680 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Try and follow Ingram's advice on noting/noticing 99% of the time , and rationalising the map of insight and pondering for 1% of the time. I like to think he talks about the whole day as I live my life and even when I sit. 

If pondering comes up UNPACK it! What are the body sensations associated with it? What is the feeling tone? What the mind image? What the thinking? What Realm is this? (Oh I desire SE to come! ... oh it's a Hungry Ghost Realm) oh! Unpack That! What is the body sensation associated with it? What is the feeling tone associated with it? What is the mind image associated with it? What is the mind state associated with it? And each aspect associated with it can become an object to also UNPACK! emoticon You see! No time for rationalising! No time you hear!!! emoticon Note/Notice instead so to Unpack and see your matter of fact experience. 

How fast? Dunno. That is stage dependent. Unpack that too! 

Btw if you see Angelo Dillulo kill Angelo Dillulo. If you see Daniel Ingram kill Daniel Ingram. If you see the Buddha kill the Buddha. emoticon of course by kill i mean UNPACK: body sensations , feeling tone, thinking, mind states, mind image ... associated with it. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes sending your way! emoticon 
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:06 PM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:06 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Papa Che. I LAUGHED at killing Angelo and Daniel. I get what you're saying tho. And the advice about noting 99% mapping 1% is great. All of it is helpful 
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:10 PM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:10 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Ever since I got health problems it torpedoed my athletic shit I do on the weekend, which is healthy, but I also do it to run from my problems. It sure had freed up a lot of time to meditate. Which is good. Whatever this problem is, is improving. The walking around EQ phase ended. But that's ok. 

I head great advice on a podcast about patterns of sensations in meditation, and life. All the way up to the patterns of sensation of the self...

Another great piece of advice wad learning how the jhanas help inform insight... like the equanimity from the 4th jhana is the same equanimity that gets you moving thru the DN...

And since I chanced into the 4th jhana, i get it. And I'm motivated to switch gears a bit. I'm starting to desire to hone my skills at concentration, aka centering 
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:13 PM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/18/23 8:13 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I forgot to mention meditation time is going up. For some odd fuckin reason I like to meditate for hour(s) after work. 1 hr to 90m +

?????

And I allegedly whipped up another synthetic toad venomous pod to smoalk.... I like to do it when I get to eq. God damn hippie (me). Im saying that joking of course and in the most light hearted way but I know it doesn't come thru text.
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/21/23 4:12 PM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/21/23 4:12 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I'm switching gears up a bit. The last two days I did kasina. LED. I put some candles up, just for ambiance and ritual. And I blindfold myself...

I have natural proclivity towards "seeing stuff". Even before my A&P I had visual snow. And I could get my mind to create light by using the mirror as a meditation object. But I had no idea what I was doing ...

But I haven't felt compelled to work with it directly... in the past I'd just get random visuals whenever. Later I found out I could synchronize the light to the body and pretend it's chi, and it makes am easier object.

So far I got good an noting. I got great at full body open awareness, on a good day. Those are my main techniques as far as I know.

Back when I tried kasina the first time it "unlocked" the center of my visual field, very very mildy. Within a day or two I noticed a thing in the center of my vision, more or less there any time i bothered to look.

My whole goal here is jusy to study the attentional field, especially the center. To see how it works. It is also an adjunct to moving thru the stages of insight. AND it helps tremendously with concentration.

In jist, its just a really interesting and fun sensory field to use to study the mind. It will help break up practice and get more milage out of it. Including better quality and maybe a little more quantity.

Kasina or otherwise I've noticed inherent motivation to sit increased tremendously. This is a good, positive trend 
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finding oneself, modified 5 Months ago at 10/24/23 7:51 PM
Created 5 Months ago at 10/24/23 7:46 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
I think what I've learned about my relationship with LED light practice is it seems to be a reminder to LOOK at the visual field. Thus far something like 99% of my cushion practice is somatic by default. When I'm still with my eyes closed its easy to not care much about sight.

So in a way vision practice is like training an entirely new sense field. Further yet. Is I'm better at looking at the whole field, not the center. And I already get crazy lights eyes closed... by default I don't like looking at the retinal burn image, I like just looking at the inner light... but that's the point. The LED is like free training wheels for the center... 

Via internal vision I have only seen the 3rd and 4th vipasana jhanas with any decent strength. So my goal along the way could be to stimulate the center of my visual field to see if I can get a dot/mandala thingy to appear.

Best Concentration Object

The hands... its absurdly easy to focus on them. They are absolutely brimming with static. In the past I changed into putting my hands in front of my face, eyes closed. And both feeling the static and seeing the light. Putting them in front of my face hacks it and makes it easy to merge them. Fetal position in bed....

We last night I did this on purpose... I thought why i didnt keep doing this sooner? It's like a free easy meditation object.

Breakthroughs

I noticed much more balance and ease at work... I also notice much more easily settling into medition when doing vipassana or zazen. Just bare awareness. I think I'm developing a little bit better baked in, deeper, equanimity.

Sometimes I hate talking about stream entry but I know I'm on the right course. 99% vipasanizing sensations. 99% 3 characteristics, 6 sense doors. This Is it. When I sit on the cushion I'm hitting the play button and just doing the experiment. 

Not even verbalizing it "3 charactetistics, 6 sense doors". No. I'm just sitting there on a cushion. But I'm not "just sitting there like an idiot" like the old fart monks warn against.

Really There are Two fronts I'm working on here... but plenty of overlap. And it's glorious. I'm pleased I have found a Concentration-only object I can use...
 
By default using the whole body as object works great for me...
 but the hands I can much more easily get to see what concentration experimenting is more like. There is also a bit of shizen in there... the scintilaing bubbles feelings. What shinsen calls impermanance.. plus with the light I can visualize chi. It's weird because it's the direct experience of feeling like a mysticsl or spiritual martial artist anime dude, dragon ball z maybe. Like it's literally possible subjectively. It's crazy... the seeing the vibrations visually part makes it way easier....

I don't have any structure or plan how much I do each of the techniques.... all I planre to do is practice well every day

● LED Kasina. And light behind eyes. Helps motivate me to practice longer and more variation.

● Hand vibrations, with or without visual vibrations. Helps build concentration. (Note to self, remember "centering")

● Noting, relentlessly. Later open awareness with more sporadic noted and gently teasing out sensate reality. Possibly self inquiry later in sit.

● Body as object/ open awareness. Body as anchor. Noting distractions.

●Just bare awareness and relaxation. Bare settling into the body mind. Imagine melting into bed at night. A nice soup of consciousness. 

Or any combination of the above or more. These are just what I seem to do lately.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 10/30/23 8:03 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 10/30/23 8:03 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Progress is not linear.

Part1. In March of 2021 I rebooted my practice. Within the first 2 weeks I had had new insights I've never had. Just from vipassana. But I also found TMI here, which parallel effects and discoveries while also super charging (3%) vipassana.

I practiced hard for a year. I can't remember I think I got to 400 hours of practice. I did a solo 2 day retreat. I fell off of practice for a few months in 2022.

In 2023 I found Angello Dillulo's work. Part 2.

It's sort of just an abiding non-duality. Strictly talking about awakening. 

I think so far there are two main developments ON cushion.

1. Practicing being in that nonconceptual state. It's just a field of colors and physical sensations. Part of the quality of this is thinking sort of "stops", or deadens, merely by just being part of the whole peaceful field.

This isn't a revelation, and it's something I could always access, at least a little. But the development here is it being more normal and more regular.

2. Number two is knowing how to use what technique when and where and mindfulness of the attention phase occurring at the moment.

It really helps to know how to focus my attention... its sort of like a light energy array. You can make the beam to all kinda of crazy things. So what is the mind body doing naturally at the moment? Ok, it's sort of vague and faded. So let my attention be that way. Or perhaps it's a complete chaotic jumbled mess. Perhaps just abide in it on its own terms... perhaps that doesn't work and I feel confused. Note/notice the confusion. So its still a chaotic jumbled mess. I'm still confused. And I'm just noticing confusion and feeling chaos but my attention still can't make sense of the chaos... ok. Perhaps do some concentration, or centering practice. Pick an object and just feel it. I can't go wrong with that.

Related to #2 is knowing when I'm practicing poorly or well. And knowing the overall motivational psychology of my practice the last few days or weeks. #2 is really just about meta-skills, about practice.

-----------------

Now outside of formal practice i have noticed two things. One of them is just being more equanimous and accepting of how I am being helpful to someone and my limitations. I basically hold my goal as the north star. And accept the moment as the proper way. It feels like I sort of relax into my body and the room. It's important to keep the room as frame here... some days I've done this multiple times, for like 3 days in a row. The litmus test here is my level of actual social anxiety, and level of self confidence.

The second thing is crazy. It's like #1 from above but in a social setting.... it's like letting my perceptual and locomotive apparatuses do what I imagine awakened perception and locomotion would do. It feels very real. One key thing is receptiveness, intimacy and openness (sensorially). The other key thing is spontaneity.... and the spontaneity goes for the passive part of perception too. It feels as is the other person is god, or a part of me........
 I honestly haven't spent much time writing about this or thinking about it. Its direct experience. 

When I do it, it feels as if my life is fulfilled..... I'm with the "other" and its profound and heart filling... it's amazing how much social meditation is sort of like a free lunch. Because it's an alive thinking breathing intelligent entity. That is you. It's a miracle this life is looking back at you. It's amazing.

I'm surprised how much I'm starting to sound like people Angelo DiLullo had had conversations with....to me it sounds a little hokey or corney until the moment I'm looking back at it (as my coworker talks to me).

I'm really having so much fun Journaling in this mediation log..

The above post I really brought attention to something I never would have otherwise (never so soon). The whole journal thing does help me get motivated. It keeps up fascination with meditation. On that note:

There is one final point I could shed light on... fasciantion can also become unwholesome. If you don't notice what it's trying to teach and what the sensation is made of. And more importantly notice the craving and aversion associated with it. Or distraction (ignorance) in some cases. 

As another commenter said "note(notice) 99% of the time. Map where you are 1%". He'll or maybe 0%. That would be 1 minutes every 1hr 40m...

I'm not that good but the lesson still holds water. As I echoed earlier, know how well or poorly my mediation quality is, in any given moment. This interweaves back with the nonduality thing I mentioned earlier. If my mind wants to "stop" and be peaceful and non conceptual, cool. That goes really well with the more left brain meta-skills of knowing what to do where. Sometimes I just do nothing.

I'm going to leave this entry here. While it really helps to get it all out, after too much it becomes more noise to signal...idk maybe i could write a private journal where I literally write anything and see what happens.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/24/23 9:43 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 11/24/23 9:26 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I've noticed more and more I can just dwell in the Anatta quality... I reflected on how different my experience is, compared to how it was 1 year ago during thanksgiving. On my drive 4 hours across the country, there is/was this feeling of freedom, of a lack of sense of self. The anatta quality has always been present in my practice to one degree or another. But it's been hard to keep up most of the time in daily life. But this was the main reflection on my drive out of state... that it's present a lot more of the time... It's still "work", as I'm not yet in the "stream of the dharma", but it's a lot easier work, it's easier to get there more often and more quickly... New Insight This is a weird one. So I noticed the sense of self diminished. I notice inside my head feels "empty"... It's pretty god damn self-evident... Anyway... I shifted the attention to the chest and it did not feel empty. It felt full... I'm not sure if I'm using english correctly or accurately here. And by no means do I understand emptiness totally yet... But I did, of course, notice the impermanance characteristic. The feeling of fullness in the chest was sort of like a warm feeling of love. Or ooey, gooeyness... I also extended this down into the belly. Butterflies. Anxiety? Not sure. But it sure felt like self... So here's the deal... I guess the way I experience anatta has to do with the "chakras". The space in the head is empty when I focus on it. It's like a giant empty void full of light, amidst a giant plop of physical sensations, that seems to be lacking the light, except within the hole in the head... So IDK. This section titled new insight is just my 2c, in english, about an experience I had. I'm guessing futher "paths" will elucidade this in real time, as I go down along the paths. Or maybe pre first path. IDK.

Practice Technique Continues to Unfold and Make More Sense

As I mentioned last post, all this stuff is sort of aligning. The last post I talked about how I can switch techniques. It's sort of a more active, meta explanation of how to do it.  But there is also this more passive aspect, that just automatically does helpful things in the moment. I.E. Just be aware, in a very ordinary type way. I thought I'd have more to say here, but currently it's hard to talk about. Something like this happened in a "sit" earlier today.

For instance I was physically exhausted from sleep deprivation but also had somewhat of the insight but and a very real need for practice. So I cuddled up with a night shade, ear plugs, and just lie there hugging a pillow... Normally I'd find it difficult to get what I need out of meditation, due to lack of extra bandwidth from less sleep. An feeling physically toxic. But here's the deal. I ended up getting into an equanimity state. Low EQ, with a small amount of equanimtiy feeling. But definitely the more cognitive aspect of having specific neutrality. A deep felt inner sense of equanimtiy. No push or pull, or avoiding sensations.

I was also feeling a seperate "tired". Which manifested as a general lack of motivation to practice, and especially and aversion to, and apparent inability, to apply effort.

I DID NOT know how to actually meditate correctly here or apply myself. But as I said above, I got to some form of low-eq, with the perceptual presence of specific neutrality, as well as a low level version of EQ. The low level I'm talking about was sort of just feeling mildly ok. The aformentioned insight bug from earlier was gone. And maybe 70% to 90% of the toxic feeling was gone! (from sleep deprivation)  The point is somehow the mind/body system intuitively figured out what to do to 'fix' the dukkha.

I think this is a key aspect for me to finish up the first cycle, and it perfectly compliments the meta-awareness of proper techniques in the moment. One of my biggest problems is thick dukkha, and what to do about it, and a seeming inability to do anything about it. Regular "dukkha-dukkha" as well as fundamental dukkha. But especially when both are present. Or even strong distraction and over stimulation from the environment. It's all slowly beggining to come together.

I'm also going to transfer to a less stressful position at work. It's still hard work. And important satistfying work. Same hours. But longer work days and more days off... So four, 10 hour, work days and 3 days off, weekly! Better friendly staff. And no B-personality disordered individuals. (Yes, I work with a psychopath)!
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 11/25/23 5:19 PM
Created 4 Months ago at 11/25/23 5:19 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Sounds really good Alex. It does seem like it is coming together. Hope you keep practicing gently and consistently!

One thing that really helped me at this stage was playing with "how little energy/effort does it take for the mind to be mindful?"

(Definitely feel free to disregard!)
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/25/23 9:53 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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"feel free to disregard" In this case no. emoticon Absolutely not! What you said was very simple, and just a nice basic pointer.

"how little energy/effort does it take for the mind to be mindful?"

Because this statement right here... This single statement could sum up my current entire stage of pracice.

Whether on the cushion or just in life in general. It seems all the equations of life are balancing out, the pushings and pullings. Sometimes it seems like everything is riding on this, and I "have to get it "right" ". Then a renuciate type desire for deliverance feeling pops up, where I just give up. A more mature version of DfD, or perhaps it ReOb. IDK... In any case, It's a very real feeling of defeat. And it's happened so many times, I just have basic equanimity for it. It doesn't mean it feels good. I'm sure this is classic cycle type stuff. And realistically I don't even map it to the stages of insight. It's sort of just my basic life. Off the cushion. It feel so natural, how could I map it?

This is exactly related to "how little effort does it take to be mindful"... It takes a lot of pressure off, knowing I'm defeated. All I have to do is practice basic awareness... It's pretty simple. Wakefulness is awake. Other forms of practice come and go, but at anytime this simple practice of just being mindful is always available. And even though all the other techniques are defeated it sure is a load off, that I just feel my body. And see my consciousness light up. Even if it's dull. It's an experiement. It can be done under any conditions, and it should.

The pressure of not knowing what to do with this life, or how to do it. This is decades long stuff... Almost 13 years since the A&P. But even before that. Crazy childhood, and working all that stuff out. In fact after A&P, all my anxiety came rushing, flooding out of my subconscious. It's crazy to think there may actually be a conclusion to this on the horizion. Meaning, psychological well being. Psychological health. And just a general, and very deep level of peace.

This last statement helps show me there is simply just basic peace to be found. Yeah, I'm sure "awakening" may happen at some point. But this is an even simpler framework in my mind. Just basically being ok. Oh, and also learning how to be more moral. I didn't research it too much, but I DO know that being moral reduces the hindrances, and it makes one feel more peaceful. Yep. Just basic stuff like this.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/25/23 9:55 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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The one thing I think I can  do better is more of a daily practice... What's helping lately is not timing it. I'm not a very left brain person. So I'm working with not having a structure, and it seems to help. But a problem from this is not having formal sits daily. But a simple solution may be to scheule two "10 minute sits" daily... Where I don't use a timer. A timerless "10 minute" sit is an experiment. Because I know with supposed volition, I'm not goint to be able to stop the sit at 10 minutes. The problem with using a timer is I feel time pressure. Even if I note it, it doesn't feel natural. I'm just realizing that the helpful part of starting the meditation timer is the ritual of it. It makes it feel official. But this is an easy fix. All I need is some object. Like a talisman, or something. I pull the object and I set it down. And this begins my formal sit. I mean I guess that's what a ringing bowl is for... But I have this meditation dog. It's a stature of a monk meditating, but it has a domesticated dog's head. It's silly... I think I'll plop that thing down and it will signal the start of the sit. A little silly, but that may be even helpful. It's a paradox. It's an official meditation start button, but it also intrinsically makes me feel lighter and goofy. So it makes me feel serious and goofy? IDK. I guess I'll try it.

IDK. I know I'll get this to work. The whole meditation thing is studying the mind. And working with formal resoultions or rituals or daily practice is an extention of the study of the mind into the external work. It's really sort of external variables that help me be a better inner-consciousness scientist better.

IDK what will or wont work, but I know having a creative attitude works.
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 11/26/23 6:22 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 11/26/23 6:22 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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this all sounds good.

Yes, consistant daily practice is really the only thing that matters. At this stage of practice, it is sort of like swimming upstream. If you don't keep swimming upstream, you'll drift back downstream...and if you try swimming really fast to get to SE as fast as possible, then you'll just become exhausted and unable to swim upstream and you'll drift downstream. So it takes a humble kind of consistency, not being lazy and not being a hero, just simply sitting each day.

It's cool to use ritual and a little bit of woo-woo magic and have fun. Your playful attitude is exactly right! emoticon There is no rule that practice needs to be difficult or boring. Your statue reminded me of this: Just like you need to take a dog out for a walk each day so that it can get exercise and poop, you need to sit each day so that you can meditate a little past where you were yesterday and make gradual progress so that eventually you can SE/pop! emoticon 

As far as mapping goes, the "I need to get this right" is very desire for deliverance. This is when you see your mind developing strategies for life and practice, make plans, analyze the past and try to predict the future, and generally try to find some clever way to make progress. These thoughts can/could/should be noted: "planning thoughts" "manipulation thoughts" "strategy thoughts" "future thinking" "remembering the past" "gaming the meditation" "progress thoughts" etc. (Make up your own names for the categories of thought that happen for you.) Your attitude should be "aha mind, I see what you are doing! you are worried and you are doing anything except being mindful of this simple moment. No problem mind, you can keep worrying all you want, but I'm going to study what you are doing and make notes about the body sensations, emotions, and categories of thought that are occuring -- that way I will continue to develop momentary concentration, better understand my own mind, and use the desire for deliverance nana as fuel for making progress!"

The feeling of defeat, futility, impossible-ness, doom, failure, inadequacy is very reobservation. It's important to remember the body sensations, emotions, and categories of thought associated with reobservation because paradoxically IT IS A GOOD SIGN! emoticon What reobservation is trying to teach you is that all of your clever desire for deliverance planning is not the answer. The only thing that matters is momentary mindfulness. And reobservation gives you a test: can you feel defeat in your body and still keep sitting? It's just little sensations in the body... but are you going to turn them into a big emotional and intellectual problem? Reobservation is sort of like a gate keeper that only lets worthy meditators through the gate. You have to let your egotism die and become very simple. Then reobservation is less of a challenge. Eventually reobservation becomes more physical than thoughts/emotions and it just feels like a plane flying through turbulance. It's a very bizzare nana when fully experienced, kinda scary but kinda exhilarating too. emoticon

You don't want to waste the progress you have made so far, so treat meditation like anything else that's important for your life. Decide how much time you need and mark it on you calendar/planner and PROTECT THE TIME. Be smart and figure out a way to schedule your day for all the important things and be renunciate about the less important things. This is the kind of renunciation lay meditators need to have -- we have life obligations, but we also need to renounce distractions so that we have time to practice. You can make a lot of progress at home if you practice consistently.

It's just like lifting weights in a gym, if you don't do it regularly... well, you'll get exercise which is good, but you won't "build" strength because the body isn't being challenged frequently enough. To make progress in the gym you need frequent training with good recovery in between. Same thing with meditating. You need consistent daily practice and good recovery (life responsibilities done, as sober/drug-free as possible, not a lot of meaningless entertainment, and a good nights sleep) in between so that you are ready to sit the next day.

Hope this helps in some way, definitely take what is good and discard the rest. Straight ahead to SE! emoticon
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/26/23 7:17 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Those swimming and dog walking analogies help... Also, pointing out what thought processes are related to what DN specific stage, is both interesting and helpful.

I DO need to keep up a daily practice. I was about to not sit but I checked into the DhO and it reminded me to sit... Which I'm sharing in the next post.

"Straight ahead to SE!" LOL
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/26/23 7:28 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Sit: "22minutes"

I began by sitting down on the couch with one leg stuck out, in a more or less comfortable position... I just did basic wide open attention meditation. Eyes closed at first. It was easy enough to settle in. It was a pretty basic feeling into the body, and visual field, as well as ambient sounds and tenitus. This was a sit with basic mindfulness in mind, or nonduality in mind. I did noting here and there when it naturally was needed. Also sometimes I feel all sorts of different weird novel flavors of body sensation, and I was trying to peg it. I settled on natural materials describing it. Somewhere between sea coral (the mineral part), and cartelage. Don't ask me why I describe it like that. First I settled on styrofoam so I switched to a more natrual materials description because it seemed more intuitive. This part lasted 30 seconds, trying to describe it.

Mood wise I was depressed a little before the sit. As soon as I sat down I felt restless and anxious. But really my anchor is basic mindfulness. And at this point it's "anatta". I just settle in to anatta. By the end of this section of the sit I was feeling much better. And only in like 5 to 6 minutes.

I didn't sleep well last night and kept getting sleepy. Which was fine at first. I was just mindful of it. So later I just switched to eyes open. It's the same meditation as before but now I'm sitting in a room. I really made sure to see the room, and feel what it's like to be in a room... It was at this point I started to realize how much better I felt. I had about 8 minutes left on my timer. So I decide I'm going to take my meditation into an active meditation. I'm going to clean my room in as pure a basic nondual state as possible. It worked reasonably well. I've practiced this a ton informally at work, etc... The goal wasn't to perpetually be in the nondual seeming and/or anatta state. It was just to be mindful. So it is a victory every time I get into a long string of thoughts and wake up from it. I even noticed what the string was about and how it felt. It feels like space sort of gets sucked into the head or something. 

With practice thoughts, where I'm strategizing or thinking about practice, it doesn't feel the same as random thoughts. It has an emotional feeling of a strong will. And it doesn't feel as fucked up emerging from a practice thought, as it doesn't thinking about random inane things.

If I wasn't so sleepy, I would have finished the sit on the cushion. But it was productive in both phases of the sit. I labeled it 22 minutes, but that was what the timer was. It was probably 35 minutes. After cleaning the house I took the trash and recycling out which was a joy to do in this sort of mindfulness... I also tripped out stairing at a hung picture of my deceased brother. That part was interesting. It was sad for the first minute or so. But I realized how much it helps to look at it. I ought to stair at it every day to wring out the trauma.

Alright, that's it for today.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/27/23 7:01 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Sit, 22m. Reclined on Couch

Pre-Meditative Context: An insane, stress filled, and yet magical day. Detailed in next post.

Sit: The main technique was seeing non-self. The main technique that developed naturally was nondual vison practice. Also, just feeling the whole body, and vision, as well as sounds. It started off eyes closed. It was insanely hard to concentrate due to the day at hand. But given the general context of developmental progress, it was amazing how much quicker my mind is at coming back. "Waking up". It would go from spiralling and being embeded in it, to becoming aware that I'm spiraling (still embeded). To disembeding. And to a less chaotic somatic experience. It would go around like this. When I opened my eyes, I had already progessed on the spiraling. But it was also by default easier to notice thoughts. Feeling more spacious with my eyes open. The sort of later stage practice of "catching" thoughts. Being aware of them, immediately after they happen. Or instantaneously. I associate this type of practice with 4th vipassana jhana practice. But in this case, it was the fruits of my labor from being in that ñana. But with the benefit of now doing it regularly in any ñana. At one point I just felt so peaceful. As if I'm in the 4th vipassana ñana. 
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/27/23 7:36 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Synchronicities

Basically the past few chapters have conspired to get me to a new place in life. In general, when I was in the prodromal ñanas, 1-3, going into my peak experience (A&P), and years of A&P and the Dark Night, I would have a lot of "magical" experiences. Many synchronicities... When the A&P event happened it felt like a giant synchonicity and I called it one. This is the set up for where I'm at now. Because now that I'm 10 years older (some of) the synchronicities feel a lot more "adult". Or a lot more active. As if it's conspiring to get me somehwere or helping me.

I don't want to get too much into it but it really feels like something in life is pushing me in this new direction. Something else is threatening it. I want to work at this other department. The supervisor there likes me, and wants me to work there. And one former supervisor and the 2nd in command manager support me and want me to work there. As well as my current supervisor. But like I said, something threatens it.

Another long story short, this department I work in is ran very poorly and it's sad to see. It used to run beatifully. What's sad is I'm the only long term employee who apparenly can still find love for the job. It's just sad. What a profound waste. That's why I want to jump ship. I work at blood mobiles currently. I'd like to trasnfer and collect platelets at a center. I was never ready for the weird and long hours, but I am now. I think I realize how the centers run how the mobiles used to run, pre 2020. The Red Cross cheaply had all their nurses bought out, or retire (99% of them). 

A boring rant about work.

Im pretty sure blood mobiles opperate relatively shittily nation wide. There is a real national blood shortage. Not the regular seasonal ones. I think the reason is because the Red Cross has such an insane turn over rate, and a staffing shortage, that donors no longer want to wait such excessive times and get stuck in their arm with a new staff who has no idea what they are doing. (I don't blame them anyway). I don't understand business but with the whole economic world order constantly shifting to a two tiered system, methinks Red Cross exces would like to emulate their for-profit counter parts in the corporate sector. Like, how the fuck were you guys able to pay all those nurses money, and now you're obsessed with cutting costs? The price of blood didn't drop. And you save all this money with techs. I don't understand how they couldn't just pay us a living wage, and it would actually keep staff, which would actually keep donors. I just don't understand how this works.

This is the first time I actually specifically spelled out where I work, but it's not that hard to deduce. This will get burried in posts anyway, and it's not like it matters anyway. I'm always a little shy about disclosing that.

In anycase, the donor centers have a better staff to donor ratio. To be fair, they are short staffed a bit too. But when they lack staff the cancel appointments, wich means the staff can actually do all the work safely. (They cancel WHOLE BLOOD appointments). This is the secret to why donor centers run better. I think donor center Directors don't have higher ups breahting down their necks because they still make platelet goal. Platelets are lucrative,  and make the biomedical branch many times more profits than whole blood. As far as the execs, an internet article facetiously retired to the Red Cross executive branch as the "AT&T Retirement Program". Anything beyond my worker bee stuff is speculating. But my supervisor spilled the beans, apparently the entire state of Michigan (Blood Mobiles), is 2.2 MILLION dollars, under budget. And they can't pay us? Or at the very fucking least buy us new equipment. Can you imagine how much more money they'd make if we operated smoothly? When I started we had 200 nurses/techs. Now we have THIRTY. For the entire southeastern Michigan. For fucks sakes.

Conclusion

If I am able to change departments it will be for real a cosmic hail mary... I cast the I Ching, originally, about a month ago and it told me about Enthusiam. And it said sucess if I keep my course...

After the confusion and uncertainty of today, I asked if it's still possible. It literally told me "You are the best person for this job."

O.o  <- Me

I normally don't like sharing synchonicites while stuff like this is still cooking. But I during my sit, I had tears of love I forgot to write about. "Sucess if you keep your course" It means get out of your way and let yourself be part of the cosmic dance. I know how synchronicites can look from the outside. So I try to temper it in the inside. But sometimes the synchonticites sure are "appauling" as Ram Dass once halariously said on tape.
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Bahiya Baby, modified 4 Months ago at 11/27/23 8:32 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Nice... I love the I ching !!

Best of luck with the job stuff
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/27/23 8:34 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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@bahiyababylol emoticon Thanks
shargrol, modified 4 Months ago at 11/28/23 5:33 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 11/28/23 5:33 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Another I Ching fan here. emoticon

Loved the use of the word prodromal for Nanas 1-3! Perfect.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/28/23 6:32 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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shargrol Another I Ching fan here. emoticon
LOL
Loved the use of the word prodromal for Nanas 1-3! Perfect.
LOL. It's from Daniel.. I had no idea what "prodromal" meant until I heard him refer to them, as that. I think it's great too.
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finding oneself, modified 4 Months ago at 11/28/23 6:48 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Medi' Sesh (said facetiously). 22m

The session was way longer, but my timer was for 22 minutes. I continued to lay there 45 minutes to 50 minutes, but meditation got real sloppy and non existant at times.

The 22 minutes:

It started as similar chaos as yesterday. Except far less somatic. The chaos was seemingly more mental. There was a lot of jaw tension and chewing, and getting absorbed in the mind. I was aware I was doing this. I was aware why. It felt like a refuge. And I figured out how to stop it. It was weird when I did.

It felt very uncomfrortable to just give in to SUDDEN 100% mindfulness. It felt super weird. It was weird, the dukkha was palpabale. But the resistance was gone. So Resitance x pain = suffering... Well there was just pain. There was no more crazy absorbed-mind-refuge. And it disipated over like two or three minutes. It was really weird...

Also the visualizations were insane. First just crazy color and spave fluxes. But then literal images. A bunch of crazy stuff. As if I was tripping. It would be like tripping on datura, if datura didn't make you insane. Non-psychedelic images. Photo-realistic ones... /end

Reflecting:

I was reflecting that maybe the stage I'm going through right now makes concentration go up between medi' seshs...

Seriosuly. The amount of times off the cushie cush that I can abide in anatta is insane lately. The ol' neural circuitry seems to really be coming online. I've also stopped giving a turkey if I get stream entry. I still give a turkey, but I don't obsess about it. And I think it's really possible with the ammounts of times I give way to just dwelling in anatta. 

I think the craziest part of the session was the post mind noise phase. Phase 1 was mind noise. Phase 2 was stopping it and being in peaceful silence. Which was uncomfrotable. Phase 3 was REALLY uncomfortable. Phase 3 was making anatta basically temporally slam into the other side of the mind noise.

It went from crazy Default Mode Network mind absorbtion, to suddenly having my self destroyed. Normally it's not so jarring when I'm in a more regual mode. But I swung from extremes. 

I'm actually thrilled to get to be finally uncomfortable with anatta again. It used to be crazy and terrifying. But anatta became normalized, and later became a refuge. I would only be fleetingly creeped out by it philisophically. Or ocassionally when I get into the Equanimity "dark night", the creepy, trippy, EQ phase. I believe this points to working with something more fundamental than usual. I think it's also from the consitency of me dwelling in anatta. 

It's so easy. This whole time. "notice the 3 Cs". My instruction should have just been "notice the 1 C (anatta)". The other ones show themselves anyway.

I feel like this is almost cheating. Meditation is easier. And doing it between sits make it continous, more or less. "Straight to stream entry".

I'm a little nervous about it. Like I'm asking some girl out. I think I'm getting nervous because it feels like it actually could happen. O.o (nervously pulls colar).

Job

Yeah I don't think I'm going to get the job soon. But I WILL get it. I think that's what the message is. Life will get me there. It will just be more of a crazy winding path.
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Bahiya Baby, modified 4 Months ago at 11/29/23 9:45 AM
Created 4 Months ago at 11/29/23 9:41 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 412 Join Date: 5/26/23 Recent Posts
Some interesting stuff here. 

It's so easy. This whole time. "notice the 3 Cs". My instruction should have just been "notice the 1 C (anatta)". The other ones show themselves anyway.

Experiment with balancing the three and also experiment with feeling each one precisely. That being said... exploring anatta very deeply was a crucial part of my journey. (The three c's in general. They're so profound, so fundamental. They power the awakening machine. Yet it's so rare to see people talk about them. Most practices I've found efficacious from other traditions have aspects of the three c's but often not the full package.)

First path can have a sort of building the neurological connections for SE kind of feel to it. In later paths one tends to cycle through many full path cycles. First path can be much more up and down the path. 

I'm a little nervous about it. Like I'm asking some girl out. I think I'm getting nervous because it feels like it actually could happen. O.o (nervously pulls colar).

This is normal to feel. Don't stress. Progress steadily and it'll feel "right" when it happens.

So Resitance x pain = suffering.

Nice. Some great insight here emoticon
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finding oneself, modified 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 7:20 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 7:17 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
"So Resitance x pain = suffering."

Also another thing borrowed from another teacher. Shizen Young. I don't contemplate this often enough but it's a good reminder to. I guess I do sort of get it. But I haven't chewed it like maybe a koan. When sitting doing Dukkha meditation.
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@bahiyababy


I do think it's a good reminder to explore the other two Cs. For impermanance, the one I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing is walking around. Especially when I'm walking to an object. I look at it. And I watch the environment, 3d camera, shift, as I get there. It no longer appears as one fluid movement as my mind so ignorantly (not a bad thing) percevied as continuous. It's utterly fascinating watching the pseudo frames patched together as I approach the object. Or walking by a giant building and watching the building shift as I walk. It's insane.

As for dukkha, on the cushion it's invaluable. Dukkha was what propelled me into relatively Hard EQ. Definitely vipassana jhana. Cool stuff...

Also, as a general foundation, noticing dukkha in sits. If I think about it in the moment I refer to calling it "tension" or more commonly "resistance". I.E. dukkha is resistance. There is also a deep aspect of noticing how I bullshit. Like why I so often get absorbed in mind noise. It's apparently to distract from the discomfort of fundamental dukkha. 

Just now in my other 22 minute sit today I felt many sensations closer to dark night stuff. And as Michael Taft would say "the object turned to mush". The reason is because I had to take a medicine that made me feel bad. I wasn't sure if it would be "possible" to meditate like that. I noticed anatta was restricted. At least "anatta" in the deeper sense I describe above. But instead I resigned to the fact my object was mush. And instread, I just focused on the physical discomfort in the body. I thought "wow, it's gonna be impossible for the mind/body to "dissolve" these unpleasant physical sensastions and "push" to equanimity or peace. This was false. It worked. I didn't blow the unpleasant sensations appart totally, but they diminished...

I do think I was honestly being a little hyperbolic when I more or less said "get rid of or ignore the other 2 Cs". Really my thinking behind this is how easy and often I'm able to notice anatta... But I know there are almost infinite more seeming insights into "anatta" for me to discover. 

And that's the spirit. I'm excited to see all angles of Dukkha and Anicca. Like I said. When observing an object when I'm walking I directly, and literally "see" impermanance. And it is an exhillarating joy. II've been through so much trouble down the path. These days I see a lot of both excitement and peace on the horizion. And not just on the horizion. Right now. I'm living it. I'm really not that bothered by the dark night anymore, apparently. There was never a giant revalation. I just noticed it's slowly gone. Weird...

As for anatta I usually notice it in the head. And I always thought it was weird some people in my yoga class apparently felt their sense of self in the chest. I, somewhat dickishly, thought they were fooling themselves because it sound spiritual or something...

But here's the thing. I noticed the "emptiness" in the head. But my heart felt "full", of love. And my stomache feels more like a "self" than the head. Seriously. Energetically it may be more the seat of my apparent self right now, than the head. When I feel the stomache, I feel anxiety, butterflys. And I feel intense identification. But also when I do it, sometimes, and even know. I do feel detatchment from it. In any case. I have a lot of stuff to test now, from hashing out my response to what you said... Even in this last paragraph, it's my first time thinking about the seat of self being in the stomach. There's a ton of room for new fresh investigation into anatta in the other "chakras".
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Bahiya Baby, modified 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 7:27 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 7:27 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 412 Join Date: 5/26/23 Recent Posts
I do think I was honestly being a little hyperbolic when I more or less said "get rid of or ignore the other 2 Cs". Really my thinking behind this is how easy and often I'm able to notice anatta... But I know there are almost infinite more seeming insights into "anatta" for me to discover. 

One can notice the anatta of the other two c's being observed. Meditation can just kind of happen sometimes but still some days we have to help it along.  

I'm really not that bothered by the dark night anymore, apparently. There was never a giant revalation. I just noticed it's slowly gone.

Going through it a few times makes it easier to do. At later paths I found it often subtler but stranger. It can move through and act upon different facets of our life. 

As we move through stages and paths, the location and volume of our sense of self can shift and move around. Different energetic maps and ways of working with energy can come in and out of focus. 
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finding oneself, modified 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 8:02 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 11/29/23 8:00 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Bahiya Baby

Going through it a few times makes it easier to do. At later paths I found it often subtler but stranger. It can move through and act upon different facets of our life. 
"stranger" interesting. I can't wait to see what this means for me later down the line.



As we move through stages and paths, the location and volume of our sense of self can shift and move around. Different energetic maps and ways of working with energy can come in and out of focus. 

This sounds fascinating and makes total sense. It helps to hear it in such basic physical concepts. "Location" "volume". Again, I'm interested to see how all this plays out. I'm less and less simply wanting SE to fix suffering. And more and more I feel like I'm taking on a curiosity approach. I've always been naturally curious, about spirituality and anything really. But the suffering really overshadowed that, after the A&P hit.

Also one thing, I've never really had multipule discrete "dark nights" and A&Ps. As far as I can tell there was only one A&P event. The A&P afterglow lasted 3 weeks. And the chronic scary part lasted years. I think a year or two after the event was when I reached EQ... But really it felt my graviational center from 2011 to maybe 2022, has simply been the DN. Even during the 3 weeks of A&P I felt a lot of anxiety. As if I'm saying my gravitational center duing my A&P weeks, was still slighly biased toward fear... 

Even when I was in EQ it felt like, there is fear. The pressure and fear of attaining SE, to end the gravitational center of fear.

I guess intuivitely it feels like I've only ever been in one cycle. The pattern was Fear -> Neutral Indifference -> OKness. Not indifferent but Not quite mature equanimity.

Edit: I'm wondering if the answer is simply, yes. Different people have different amounts of A&P events, and cycles, in 1st path. In any case It doesn't matter a whole lot. But it's interesting listening to people talk about it on here. When it hasn't apparently been my experience.
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Chris M, modified 3 Months ago at 11/30/23 7:24 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 11/30/23 7:24 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
As we move through stages and paths, the location and volume of our sense of self can shift and move around.

In my experience. and at all stages and paths, the sense of self moves around and shifts on a moment-to-moment basis.
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Bahiya Baby, modified 3 Months ago at 11/30/23 7:42 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 11/30/23 7:40 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 412 Join Date: 5/26/23 Recent Posts
I agree that moment to moment the sense of self is in movement and if we're purely talking insight meditation, that's often the most important thing to see.

And my stomache feels more like a "self" than the head. Seriously. Energetically it may be more the seat of my apparent self right now


I suppose OP was discussing centring attention in different chakras and so on. I have found great variability in those kinds of practices as I have moved through stages and paths. Partly due to the volume of my awareness as I move through nanas and the style of identification I tend towards with different paths. 

These would be more macro tendencies in the location of attention than micro specificities. 

In early nanas it can be hard for me to move attention out of my head and into other nanas. In later nanas my attention can expand to include all chakras, my surroundings and whatever other energetic systems there are out there.

But obviously I didn't learn that stuff doing vipassana.
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finding oneself, modified 3 Months ago at 12/1/23 9:30 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/1/23 9:30 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
"I suppose OP was discussing centring attention in different chakras and so on." Just that one post yes. I get what you guys are saying. Normally I don't ever really work with the"chakras". As far as "anatta" goes, I 99% of the time just work with it generally, as applied to any sensations. For some reason it just struck me last week to riff on it from that perspective.

For instance, when you said: "As we move through stages and paths, the location and volume of our sense of self can shift and move around" I read it in the context of sort of 6 sense doors. Anything and anywhere.
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finding oneself, modified 3 Months ago at 12/1/23 9:47 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/1/23 9:38 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
Job

Interesting developments with my job. So November 1st I had an infamous incident with a supervisor. Normally when something like that happens, if they're gonna give you a write up they do it promptly. Well they never did. Until I applied for that other position. Two business days after Thanksgiving BOOM. Suddenly there is a "corrective action" for "insubordination" from almost 1 month ago. As my friend who already transfered said "Brian is cock blocking you".

This dude is literally doing it so I can't transfer for 6 months to a year. This same friend of mine predicts the mobile collections department is going to collapse next year. That's how bad our boss is. 

Anyway there is good news. Working with her, I was able to figure out how to file a greivance with the Union. They basically lied about the corrective action. They said "I refused to work" and I left early. But I was given permission to leave. The thing was the supervisor was angry with me for leaving, but gave me permission nonetheless. In anycase. It's not a refusal. 

I went over the document before I filed it and it was beautiful. It was a work of art. The best part the head manager, Brian, is on vacation for almost two weeks now! And the other manager is my friend, she trained me back when I was new. If there isn't a response in 10 days I win by default... But if we meet, it's seeming like I'm still going to win. Because the language on my corrective action is a lie. LOL

It's just been an insane stressful week and a rollercoaster. To cap stone this with this document sent in, feels pretty damn liberating. No pun intended.

...

I told my friend we realised the antichrist. I said "it is done", several times over. I also refered to today as "D-Day". It feels like a day of completion. It's like reverse dark night. I went through that shit to have a free A&P today. Entering the stream will be stepping into my friend's work place, LOL!

She also called my boss a "taint tugger". Which I then expressed how that is an auspcious sign. Why? Because of the "Taint Episode" of Angello Dillulo's conversations with ZDogg... I've been getting a lot from Angello. And their taint banter has essentially made "taints" a fucking synchonicity in my life now. Of all things. It's nice when synchs are warm and cuddelly instead of mind fuckey, or reality shattering. 
Finding-Oneself (Backup Account), modified 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 7:47 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/9/23 7:47 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 5 Join Date: 12/2/23 Recent Posts
Backup account of "finding-oneself"

12/07/2023 - Night Time

I took two different herbal pills (stacks) for sleep and some melatonin. I felt like I was mildly tripping. Including the dread. But I was 1000% more in control than real psychedeelics. it felt like my vision and visual sense of feel-sense, like 3d body feeling, was shaped like a bunch of different swirling, fluxing shapes… 

Now I was meditating the whole time I was doing this. Also, it really required constant mindfulness to feel ok. So it forced me to meditate better. Also, it didn’t feel like I was “meditating”... sort of… Because I was doing this thing where I was just dwelling in no-self. It was crazy. And it was easy. Like I learned to ice skate and could just do it effortlessly. 

It was crazy, moment after moment, there I was. Dwelling in this. The entire body, and field, and trip… It felt as pleasant and flowy as ice skating. (But there was still a sense of foreboding, and a feeling of having to keep it together.)

Well anyway, later in this some “thing” happened. A big “flash”. Including a white flash, literally. And a state-change. It hit me pretty hard, and was unavoidable. I couldn’t hide from it… The good thing here, was compared to other “near-misses” or crazy state changes, I sort of remained on target. I kept up meditating. I was on such solid non-self, like a dog on a pile of delicious shit, that I kep it going after whatever the fuck this was.

I think that was the actual accomplishment. But it did seem like more of a crazy “state-change” than all the others I had experienced.

12/08: The next day at work I noticed super improved confidence, just in life and work in general, but also cool knowing confidence that I can effortlessly maintain mindfulness, this day. In the moment. As it played out it waned as the day got slightly more stressful.

12/09/2023

I've been absorbing Angello DiLullo content. Including reading his book  and watching videos. It's so complementary to my initial path with MCTB. It really helps defend against progress-related shadow sides. It's got me into "just sitting". It's much easier to just not describe that. That's more in the spirit of it anyway. One day I will describe it, but not now.

Angello stuff is like Zen to me. Except it provides scafolding. And that scafolding connects with all the intricate technological and technical stuff in MCTB.

Like today I was able to do at least two one hour "sits" lying down in bed. And I was able to do them "just sitting" style. As appropriate, because I also automatically note some times. Etc. I'm never going to do a pure "just sitting" technique. It's always going to be mixed, a fair ammount.

I don't have too much phenomenology to report for these sits. Although they weren't vauge except when I was falling asleep. I remember being call and thinking "body bright", "mind lively and active". During sit 2 I sit down all hyped up from tea, and notice the body overflowing with energy and the mind racing. "Body excited" "mind, raching".... I also internally have an internal awareness in consciousness where my mind "points" at the mind. Or the mind ist just pointed to. Hyper mindfulness. Hmm... Reflecting on this I'm pleased to notice the ellusive 1st vipassana jhana. I think I realized I'm finally overtly grasping it's flavour. Wow, that's fucking awesome. <3 ...

Conclusion and contemplation: It's interesting I head different reflections of the "neural paths being carved to lay the ground work for stream entry" thing. Both on DhO, and in Awake, It's Your Turn (angello dilullo). It really does feel like that. Because of the quickly developing skill of perceiving the 3 three C's in the moment. Especially anatta, and anicca. And also today's sit where it seems like I'm becoming more intracately aware of attentional phases, I'm presently in. And many many more facets of what is required.

As a side note it really makes me much happier, I've never gotten stream entry yet. It really feels like I'm building the thing piece by piece. I "sat on the door of stream entry", many times. At least a half dozen. And for many hours possibly on retreat. I used to be sad I wasn't able to "tip into" stream entry. But if I think about it, I was just practicing the skill be what it's like to be on the doorstep,  or on the sidewalk even. I was practicing some of the last skills and stages. But all that other stuff needed some practice. I couldn't have told you what the 1st and 3rd vipassana jhanas were like back then. And the 2nd was just my memory of the A&P event. I know it sounds like I'm possibly doing some psychological trick on myself, and maybe I am. But it does feel this way.

I remeber Daniel saying how much trouble it would have saved him had he got to stream entry the 1st time. I can't say nor comment because I've never etnered the stream. Well see after what I think. But listening to Angello DiLullos and his guests, really opened my mind. This guy who got stream entry had a similar sort of optimism, as I do. He didn't wake up unil he was 50, and he started at 19. He said that his 19 year old self would be upset if told it would take him 30 years. But post SE he felt like this path, was actually perfect.

I'll sum it up in one statement. It feels like a video game. It feels like a calling. And it's this thing I'm working on that I can be "proud" of, in the healthy sense. It's something I'm building on the inside. Something built regarding consciousness itself. Or apparently with the 3 Cs, or the "sensate universe" etc. 

The first statement. It literally feels like a video game where I'm leveling the character up, and I can see all of his stat progressions. But it's hyperreal. Life is more real than before the A&P. And I suspect this trend will continue.
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Sha-Man! Geoffrey, modified 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 9:41 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 9:41 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 341 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
I think just sitting can be a good counterbalance to noting and the 3 characteristics. I found when I started meditation, I was going ham with effort, but I also didn't really know how to turn it off. Well, until I started to pick up just sitting, and it helped me differentiate between intention and things I was mistaken for a self doing. Now I can tune the amount of effort generally pretty well. But I think learning something like a shikintaza is a needed stepping stone to nailing down effortless 24/7 mindfulness.
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finding oneself, modified 3 Months ago at 12/16/23 4:00 PM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/16/23 3:58 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
"I think just sitting can be a good counterbalance to noting and the 3 characteristics. I found when I started meditation, I was going ham with effort, but I also didn't really know how to turn it off. Well, until I started to pick up just sitting, and it helped me differentiate between intention and things I was mistaken for a self doing. Now I can tune the amount of effort generally pretty well. But I think learning something like a shikintaza is a needed stepping stone to nailing down effortless 24/7 mindfulness."

I have a similar experience as you, but I still don't think I ever went super high effort compared to a lot of other folks here. I think my most practiced basic technique is sort of choicless awareness/6 sense doors, 3 charactersitics. And the runner up is sort of "skeletal noting". Off cushion my most practiced thing is just sort of being in a super fun effortless flow state. I super agree I'm gonna need to learn shikintaza. Actually since my last post I got a completely different understanding of it from reading the description of "natural meditation" in Awake, It's Your Turn. The reason I mentioned techniques above is because I was reading up on "fast noting" and "detailed noting". And I realized I need to work on this more. A lot more. Some of my best sits, quickly getting to EQ are doing this. Which I'm saying because I did my first long and detailed noting, last night, in a long time. I think I've very mildly learned how to do what shikintaza is supposed to do. After reading that, I realized how there's a ton of room for improvement here. (which I mean in a good way).
"It may be worth paying attention to this fact in your just sittings - notice how "you" don't have to do anything to see phenomena arise and disappear. You don't have to do anything to notice the 3c. You could imagine a form of "just sitting" style concentration where you don't have to do anything, you just let the breath appear in consciousness."

Yes, this is really good stuff. There is a lot of fertile ground here for me in experimenting with attention/effort and how that works. Also specifically realted to more "concentrationy" style meditation. I have come to really appreciate the descriptions of the 4 attentional modes, and "attention phase harmony", describing the jhanas/ vipassana-jhanas, one through four. I'm super duper curious about how the jhanas work. And how attention works in slightly wet vipassana.
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Sha-Man! Geoffrey, modified 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 9:48 AM
Created 3 Months ago at 12/10/23 9:48 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 341 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
It may be worth paying attention to this fact in your just sittings - notice how "you" don't have to do anything to see phenomena arise and disappear. You don't have to do anything to notice the 3c. You could imagine a form of "just sitting" style concentration where you don't have to do anything, you just let the breath appear in consciousness.
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 12/31/23 10:17 PM
Created 2 Months ago at 12/31/23 10:13 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
This is a mainline meditation log, session, entry. But first a "development" as of late. The development is encapsulated by the fact that I accidentally showed up 1 hour early to work, and was able to deeply meditate, which promted me to have a better day, where I'm more in the flow-state of not having a self.

I remember sitting there in my car, restless, and I was like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shit. There is no difference between the present moment during PERFECT meditation conditions (silent at home), or feeling restless before work in my car. I was also like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  shiiit, might as well just be in jhana. What proceeded was sitting in the lessons of 4th vipassana jhana. I got into a state where it felt like my head space was in high EQ, but I couldn't literally have been in high EQ, since it was only 10-15m in to the sit. Anyway, the overall lesson is I can chill in the present moment. ALL present moments... The second lesson is the lesson on being in a selfless flow state. Or other variations of said theme.  The third lesson is learning how to just chill, sit back, and steep in the hot tub sensations of what Shizen calles "impermanace", vibrations. Or alternative steep in the hot tub sensations of jhana. Either way, they are essentially the same to me, they condition the mind in the same way right now. So anyway, yeah. Lessons 1 - 3. And then I'm going to get into the meditation today, which I had applied them to. But I'll continue about one of the lessons.

Over the months and weeks I realized how big of an effect this "not having a self inside the head", has been effecting life and practice. I'd also been a little bummed I wasn't able to reach true EQ territory as of late. Not for a lack of skill, for a lack of motivation inside the body/mind. So if I can't get the momentum to get there, I'll cheat it and just circumvent it and "spacially" be there already...

But if I'm changing my baseline by dwelling inside the high EQ spacial mode, what would happen when I ACTUALLY get there? Well I did it today

High EQ Sit

Duration: 90 Minutes

Beggining: Restless. The last week I was really sick and couldn't properly meditate. I felt like I had a pent up, backed up, several weeks log of needing more formal meditation. I failed again and again today. I was almost falling asleep and knew I wouldn't be able to meditate properly. Luckily by like 9:00pm, all the energies aligned and it was time. But whenever I don't meditate for a while the slovenly lack of motivation is a huge barrier. I did not want to be on the cushion. I knew it felt good, though, to be in the present moment. I felt a mix of both "smoothness", calmness and also restlessness, aversion, dukkha. Of course the dukkha, properly perceived, makes great rocket fuel for concentration. 

Technique: I was noting all sorts of stuff. Especially core things. Trying to be equanamous. THen switching to just noticing. While noting ocassionally. (The whole time having no-self as 11th nana, base technique).

Middle: Slowly I transitioned into EQ. IDK how long it took to get there. Probably 30 minutes to get to low EQ. I remember the transition and the "chunky" phase. It was a different chunkiness than before. Since my dark nights are different these days. It's basically a more intense version of the smoothness/calmness vs. restlesness/aversion, mentioned above. That's why sometimes the nana map is confusing. Like how the fuck did it feel like I'm in equanimity as soon as I sat down? To give context, my earlier dark nights felt like labored breathing, and massive ammounts of phsical anxiety. Low EQ would initiate with the feelings of smoothness and calmness. Or at the very least just calmness. Or a lack of negative stimuli. As I entered EQ, I had that no-self/chakra thought. Meaning, remembering to be aware of how the process of unfoldment of non-self happens inside the abdomen, not just head. Because for me, the sticking spot is inside the adrenaline filled belly. Not inside the head. When I had this thought, I had the ear thing happen. The third ear thing. What happens is a transition of the audio of the tinitus, its a tone shift. And between the tone shift is the deafening thing, where the air feels like it gets sucked out of the room, and sound is quieter for a second. It's really weird. I took it as a sign the line of thinking as a practice tip is correct. What happened next was crazy. I said "just stay with it". Meaning, stay with the sound dampening/tone change, and stay with the abdomen. "Don't worry, you can't fuck it up. Don't be afraid of the sound thing. Just stay with the abdomen. The ringing will go back to normal in a second". But it didn't. What happened was a recurring sound dampening/tone change, a way bigger one this time (it has a somatic, synathesia element to it), it felt like a big thud inside me. It scared me. And I had an adrenaline dump.

Late: I knew I was in EQ, and it was getting time for a postural change. I sat up and drank my iced yerba mate, it was so fucking good. The chilness of drinking it just made me go deeper into EQ, and loosen up a bit. Being off the cushion and feeling less formal made me drop the effort entirely.

Next I transitioned into the couch posture, laying back. I transitioned gradually, more and more, into classic 4th jhana territory. I entered the slipery mind phase. It was some of the best high EQ sitting I've ever had. I entered the classic slippery mind, feeling like you're going to go insane phase. I noticed/noted it. But I wasn't as afraid. 

Also my fear of "loosing" EQ is gone. It's always been erroneos. I've never "lost" it. Also, the fear of slippery mind/ the fear of being able to effectively dwell in the weird open/expansive "inside the head" stage of EQ. Where it feels like there is a giant hole in the head/no-self. Well, because I've been practicing this in all nanas, for months now, i've shifted my baseline closer to how the mind feels in the 4th jhana. So it was so natural. It's not as "slippery" in the sense it feels like I will loose it. But it just feels like a more natural version of it. More self-perpetuating. Also I applied on of the lessons from "show up to work early and do jhana in the car day". When I was sitting in high EQ, I said. "Well ok, I'm im jhana, this is jhana, it's not out of reach anymore or mystical, or unatainable. Just pretend like you're in the car again. This is it. Just sit back and steep in the jhana hot tub. AHHHH emoticon" lol

The one part I did run up against a wall was fear of actually finishing 1st path. I viscerally felt it, many times. For maybe 10 to 20 minutes on and off. It was fascinating. Within 2 hours it's amazing how I can go from craving nibanna and pouting about it, to being afraid of feeling like I'm on it's door step. (I was. And am).

This is what I hate about these detailed phenomenology logs. It takes way too long to write it out. And is never enought detail. I need to write another 20 paragraphs. But it takes too much energy to rememeber everything relevant that happened during this sit. But yes, I am gaining skill at this. And I will enter the stream. It's inevitable at this point. I just need to keep doing all the stuff I've been writing about here the last three years, now, since I've rebooted practice.

It's been almost 13 years since I crossed the A&P. And I'm almost 33, the Jesus age. Time to do this shit.

I'm not so worried about having crazy concentration every day now to get to EQ jhana every day. I think the fact I practice the head space of EQ almost every day is a huge fail safe. This is working. But the accelerant and catalyst is the fact I can and do get to physical EQ, aka 4th vipassana jhana. If I actually can do this multipule days in a row, sometimes. I think that's more than enough. Wish me luck. 
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 1/1/24 7:03 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Sounds good. Those feelings of fear around SE actually being possible in the near future is a good sign. 

Don't worry too much about perfecting EQ. Even "maintaining" can be a bit of an ego/status thing. Just enjoy getting good at chilling in the moment and don't worry if your mind or your life creates some kind of momentary busyiness, be chill with being unchill too.  Profound EQ, the kind of EQ that leads to SE, is EQ with everything, even things that don't seem classically EQ. In a way, EQ isn't something you do, it's more like something you don't do. emoticon 

Same thing with SE. It's really isn't something you do. SE is like a sun burning up it's fuel and collapsing into a black hole. Or like a satellite using up it's momentum and being pulled down out of orbit. You basically calm/exhaust the doing urge and then on a sit when you're not doing much in particular, you fall into a hole and land back in the spot where you were already sitting.

Nothing complicated about it, just getting good at the basics of chilling or "experiencing this moment intimately without resistance or manipulation" or "allowing the full experience of this moment without greed, aversion, or indifference."

Best wishes for your chillin'! emoticon
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/14/24 2:17 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Hi Shargrol. A few days after you responded I was contemplating, or more accurately, experiencing "chilling". Sort of working with the universal quality of equanimity regardless of meditating or not, regardless of being in the EQ ñana or not.

Sometimes reducing it to one simple English word is extremely helpful. Just "be chill".

I was rereading the "shargrol post compilation blog". Anytime I saw the word "maintining" I made sure to understand it.

Part of my life narrative/meditation path does indeed seem to be maintaining.

For a few days I was getting into EQ vipassana jhana. But wasn't able to get back. 

It's just the ebbs and flows of the practice. The vipassana jhanas are nice and sure do lube up the practice. But I need to keep the roots of the practice in the back of my mind. Bare senate awareness 

One thing that helped was reading about being equanimous with whether a vipassana jhana is present or not. Dwelling and soaking in it unconditionally when it is present. And when I start to notice it fading, just observe and study it. Keep being chill.
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/17/24 10:58 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I've noticed a trend in Practice.

The paranoia and drama around having to maintain equanimity and progress falling away, as I simultaneously get better at "getting to" and dwelling in the EQ ñana. This coincides with more confidence through repetition that I can get there.

I surprise myself I'm able to keep getting back go it. I clearly have developed some level of skill now but I feel like an imposter.

But the main surprise and trend of note is now shifting to just "wanting" to meditate more. In quotes because I'll do it, when my animal-mind wants to do something else, for instance. Or the motivation behind intending to sit is very boring and matter of fact. 

Kenneth Folk talks about a phase right before stream entry where the meditator just sits every day, very naturally. He asks them they say "well, there's nothing I'd rather do". And in this stage their sitting time naturally goes up.

The "matter of fact" thing is like: It's the evening after work, and nothing really brings me much satisfaction, even medition, but I know meditation is just the pragmatic thing to do at the moment.

This is all besides thr point when it comes back to the quality of equanimity. I.E. just being "chill".

Now, on that note I have recalled the two different versions of higher equanimity.

1 - The wave-like, altered state of consciousness. Jhanic. Smooth feeling sensations. Varying levels of all these qualities and more.

And

2 - The "normal" version. So normal it seems indistinct from regular life. Sometimes it feels like you're not meditating, or very dull.

I associate #2 with the principle of being chill... I don't have to weight #1 as much. And in turn it makes me more chill...

One very trippy insight I got when I accidentally got high eating raw weed flowers for the nutrients. I vividly recalled Daniel saying "you have do synchronize with a sensation and the disappear" a very different skill than vipassana subject/object mediation. When I was high it was absolutely crazy to ponder. More like A&P-like consciousness. It's an A&P insight into the higher ñanas, from its perspective.
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Bahiya Baby, modified 2 Months ago at 1/17/24 11:47 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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The A&P is itself a very significant insight and points to something very important. It's in the name. 

Really grokking that things arise AND pass away was important for me in later stages of practice. 

Note: arise AND pass away... not arise THEN pass away. It's happening contigously. Seeing that, I believe, for whatever reason, fuels the astonishment of the A&P experience. 

​​​​​​​It's utterly baffling.
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Sha-Man! Geoffrey, modified 2 Months ago at 1/18/24 4:20 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I've found personally all sorts of states of consciousness come up - normal, more dark nighty stuff, dreamy, cotton bally, formless, wavey sensations, etc etc. Just stick with things as they come up. Eventually they flip over to the other side, and it feels like a relief when they do. 
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Sha-Man! Geoffrey, modified 2 Months ago at 1/18/24 6:01 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I will add, people make a big fuss about low and high equanimity and I have not found that to be a particularly used thing in my own practice 
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 1/18/24 6:56 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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It's interesting, "maintaining" is also what Heavenly Gods (Devas) do in the god realm and it's associated with pride. Conversely, imposter syndrome and feeling inferior but striving to "achieve" more is also what the Powerful Gods (Asuras) do in the powerful god realm. While working through EQ it's very common to alternate to alternate between have-it-and-want-to-keep-it (Deva) and lost-it-and-want-to-achieve-it (Asura). This is all just different language for the same dynamic, but sometimes having this mythic-poetic language is helpful for noticing these dynamics in meditation. 

People often get "high EQ" wrong and assume its a perfection of spacious, clear, still, calm EQ. 

"...The odd thing about High Equanimity is that most of the time you don’t notice you are in it. In fact, not noticing that you are in it is part of its hallmark. It can feel so normal that it might feel like terrible practice, if we were even thinking about such things, which is not nearly as likely in actual High Equanimity.

... When High Equanimity happens, it seems so ordinary that we may try to make it into something extraordinary. If we are attached to ideals about how amazing, blazing, bright, dramatic, powerful, sensational, and thrilling practice is supposed to be, we may keep seeking those qualities and prevent ourselves from being with the very ordinary-feeling but clearly extraordinary stage of High Equanimity.

High Equanimity can happen in many unexpected situations, such as walking to the bathroom after a sit, or just doing ordinary things like watching TV, as you lie down for a nap, daydreaming, brushing teeth, or during formal practice, though at that point practice is unlikely to feel much like practice or anything special or unusual. It can feel pretty boring, like we no longer care at all if we awaken, practice, or anything like that. Attempts to fake it are common if people know the map theory, but the real deal just shows up and pervades quietly on its own.
​​​​​​​

It is quite common to experience High Equanimity during walking practice, as most people mistakenly believe that walking practice is not as important as sitting, so they let the pressure off, which in this case is good. This phase may be very quick, just a few minutes or even a few seconds, but if we have set up our practice well, that is all it may need. "


11. Equanimity – MCTB.org
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/18/24 8:40 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Thank you  guys. You all touched on different helpful aspects... as far as high EQ I don't think (I could be wrong tho) I ever got there yet. I think my cutting edge is "high mastery". And usually when I know I get out past the DN, it's when the "chunky" phase is gone, which I label "low EQ".

I think I get sloppy with my writing sometimes. If I control + F'd this page I bet I'd find me saying it. "Higher EQ" when I uses it means "past the chunky phase, up to my cutting edge". But since others read this sometimes I need to shore up language usage a tidy bit 

But the actual high EQ descriptors from MCTB, help. Just for knowledge sake but also to have less of these mental neurosis come up around when I touch my cutting edge. Regardless "note and notice it" helps. Theory Is also invaluable support.
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/20/24 10:37 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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So far, I think I've been understanding how I need to just keel being chill. Keep practicing. Rereading the shargrol compilation page. In there, there are many things that make more sense, that I'm learning how to do now. 

"[At some point ] just keep practicing (in a non forceful way), it's only a matter of time".

Thats really how it feels sometimes. Theres a lot of little psychological, experiential, LEARNING journies I go on. Burning out my belief that I think there is some thing I can DO or have to do, to make this happen. Etc etc.

I'm practicing every day. And my practice time has sort of naturally gone up and maybe platue around 45m average.

I'm seeing of more of a benefit from do nothing meditation.

It's not that I go out of my way to do that, but I'm seeing that, more and more, it's just what I'm going to naturally do sometimes as whatever this is, burns itself out.

conversely it's healthy to "push" to get to more pleasant feeling EQ... the need for getting into pleasant EQ is pragmatic. It's healing. Ive experienced a lot of stress the last year. I even found 3 Grey hairs. Being in EQ is like the consciousness version of the natural shaking animals do to slough off trauma. Additionally this conditions the mine for SE.

As does the do nothing. I really am noticing more that sometimes I just sit with no expectations or intentions. Even if it's sloppy or I get dreamy or fall asleep. Even if I wander in thought. More and more I'm conditioning a deeper, simpler, quality of equanimity. The mind quality not the ñana.

one other thing is exploring the earlier ñanas. I don't necessarily know how to systematically do this, but I'm trying. I used to just mean 1-3, but I'm including 4 in there now. After realizing what instantaneous arising/passing of sensations in the moment can mean 

it's all good

[Edit]

I was thinking about the term "cutting edge", which is usually meant to mean, highest ñana, at least pre-SE. And I realized there are these other axioms of different edges.

Like the motivation or lack thereof. A curious axiom. The weirdest part is also not wanting to meditate by doing it anyway, like a robot. But yet still doing the practice well, to ok...

Another axiom is just sitting there with really no intent. So called "do nothing" meditation. I even hate labeling it.

I find do-nothing easier than concentration. The problem with a deliberate centering is my mindset. Effortfulness, its off putting. This is the opposite problem of laxity. I experience laxity and overstimulstion with concentration. 
I noticed that, If reframe the word concentration, it literally means the same thing as centering. Concentration, like an herbal concentrate. Take all your consciousness energy and concentrate it into a potent energy ball. Or in J4, the entire full field gets concentrated and smoothened. ♡

By far, the most important axiom to work with is the calm dwelling sort of one, with no effort. However we want to describe it. This is the cutting edge of one's ability to just be chill. This axiom is related to concentration, as well as the doing nothing. Vipassana wise it's related to the EQ ñana, and the quality of equanimity.

All that being said, there ironically isn't anything to say or do. As I mentioned before it's likely only a matter of timing now. I just keep practicing and all this stuff unravels... It DOES feel fractal-like. Looking back, all the processes of getting my life together. "The house cleaning phase" of the stages... I feel like I've been in a half dozen mini-house cleaning phases. One of the final phases of the fractal is learning to just be calm. There isn't anything I can do here, I can't force it. And it's pretty boring. Look I've been in all the mini-phases of the EQ ñana except high EQ. Ive seen the mixture of ok sensations, and bad lumps of reobservation. Ive experienced a breakthrough out of reobservation. Ad well as a gradual transition. I've experienced the middle phase of EQ, where things start to melt together and become a vipassana-jhana. Ive felt the equanimity there. Ive spent a reasonable amount of time in the mini-dark night of the EQ ñana. Ñana 11.11.reObservation. I'm trying to get to 11.11.11. Presumably which can be either trippy and jhanic or normal and even boring. The fact that high EQ can and/or should be boring, I feel like, will help make it more tolerable to just do the sometimes boring work.
shargrol, modified 2 Months ago at 1/21/24 6:31 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Really well understood and nicely said.

Yes, after a certain point, the pressure is off. You know that only an ongoing practice will create conditions for further insights (and SE), yet you also know there is nothing you can do to force insights (or SE). So it's just like the old saying, "the harder I work, the luckier I am" -- except in this case it's more "the more simply I practice, the more insights naturally happen." emoticon

By the way, this also relates to the third fetter. We get attached to rites and rituals when we think there is some clever and formulatic way to get enlightened besides good, consistent, non-heroic meditation practice. But when we realize that the only thing that works is personal practice, then a lot of the superficial aspects of a religious system become less relevant/imporant. 
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/21/24 4:44 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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@shargrol

Thanks for the reinforcement. Also, interesting connection to the third fetter. emoticon
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/21/24 5:37 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Ok, so today I had one of my most novel experiences (not powerful or profound, simply novel and different). It was during the third sit. Let me document them in order though. It was two sits, sitting reclined on my couch, 55m & 49m, repecively and the thrid was 35m. 

Sits one and two was more or less experimenting with low effort practice. Also, deliberately, on the couch, to make relaxation easier, and more thourough. I was alternating doing stuff, like taking a dump, and reading dharma stuff, between sits. Nothing crazy happned during the first two sits, just good basic practice.

On the toilet reading dharma, contemplating stuff, I decided I want to get to the 4th vipassana jhana, like the nice wet version. I want to soak in it and feel good. Why? I don't know. Why not? The problem is, I've never really intended to do that. It just sort of happened. 

Well in any case, I sat down. The third sit, on the cushion. I will say this, right off the bat. I had the confidence and believed, it is more possible due to the fact I already sat damn near two hours, also read dhama, and took a couple shits... I thought "welp. I have momentum so it should, theoretically be possible, no? 

Well I didn't get to 4th jhana. No. But what did happen? Some other weird, altered state of consciousness. It was similar to the 4th vipassana jhana in a way, but was more relagated to the head, type area. I'll try to document the sit sequentially, phenomenologically:

Sit: It began as a normal sit. One thing was different though within 60 seconds, I felt tingling on my chest. On my skin. Like really nice. Usually it's not in the torso. And even more rare is it's not on it. I continued and I began with the breath in the nostril type region. When it got uncomfortable I switched. Like I said I just did mostly, just sitting, earlier. But now I was noting my ass off. At some point I slowed the noting. And finally, what caused this thing, was I dwelled on the sounds.. 1. The heating. 2. Breath. 3. Inner ear ringing, and crucially, #4, the sound of the mind. Also, and this is even more key, I deliberaly muted it a bit. I made the mind more quiet.

Then there was a space shift. It felt like I was in my face. For the most part. I was sort of grooving with the breathing, and moving my body even. And the breath began sort of pushing my seat of consciousness up more into my head, sort of. It's hard to describe. As I continued I realized this was working. I had entered some state that was like vipassana-jhana 4, but not it exactly. My goal was to feel nice, condition the mind more, and heal the body. I would count this as that... So I didn't just accomplish my goal, I explored new territory. Inside the state, inside my head, it felt like I was under water.

Some thoughts: The whole time I have a usual form of varrying levels of physical anxiety inside my belly. Somewhere between butterfly type sensations, and anxiety. Mildy unpleasant and/or iritating... Also, (it's always embarassing to bring up), I was feeling my usual, partial, kratom withdrawals, I feel sometimes, depending on the doses I've taken recently. (It's an opoid leaf, I take every day, and intned to quit. I'm phyically addicted to it).

So here is the thing. This happened while both feeling the anxiety and withdrawals. I've also felt both of these inside the 4th vipassana-jhana. It sort of feels like vj-4 is like an overlay of sensassions over the entire field. It changes some layer of it. Like I have wrote before I never experienced #'s 1 or 2. (It seems like I may have experienced 3 just now (intense enough to actually consider it)), and I associate the constant low level tinglings in my arms and feet with j1/j2. I noticed that I can still feel it when im in vj-4, but it's sort of under (or something), the field of smoothness. It's weird. So my point is, it's possible to have enough equanimity with the bad circumstantial sensations, and still have some sort of pleasant altered state of consciousness arise.

To me it sounds like a partial vj-3. Because I didn't noticed any "bliss". I'm not even sure if it was that. I'm more confident I experienced vj-4, but still it's a question mark. I call it that because it makes sense, but it's subject to change. 

In sum, I'm happy I was able to set a real resolve/intention to make something happen. In a healthy way that actually worked. Because I know being forceful wont get this shit to happen. My goal is wholesome, I just need rest. And I want to heal the body/mind.

So now I have three working basic goals. One, stream entry. Two, being calm, learning the deep skill of equanimity. And Three, entering these healing states, on the cushion, to make my life better. 

Entering them feels "spiritual" too, in the conventional sense. Like I'm more able to connect with my entire purpose in this universe. Connect to an alive intelligence, and pray to it.

[edit]: Wow, holy fuck. Did I underestimate my daily average time. I've meditated multipule hours most days the last 7 days. The only day I didn't was one day I only did 20 minutes, presumably becasue of work. Looking back, I don't see how I fit all this time in, but I guess because after work, I feel like shit and proverbially shrug, and say, "why the fuck not", after which, I inevitably feel a little better. :| lol : )

[Edit 2]: Reflecting, looking back, I think the mores important take away is the "stilling" of the mind. As I have continued to work more with "nondual", type meditations, I've naturally gained skill in stilling the mind. But this wasn't an intentional result. This was the first time I had applied it when I was quietly sitting.

The famous/classic,  "Ian And (user)" thread on jhana, discusses stilling the mind. So back then I tried it, but it's a decade later. I actually got a little milage out of it ♡

[Edit 3]: I was going back rereading my thread to see anything helpful. 

"how little energy/effort does it take for the mind to be mindful
?"

I'm storing it here to reference back. I wasn't ready for it, one month ago. On paper I have some aversion to the idea of practicing it. But I want it in my back pocket. When I'm sitting there. Calm. Or calm AND bored. I want to do this. Or at work tomorrow (no aversion to in daily life though).

I wasn't at the stage per se, last month. But now I'm developing slightly deeper equanimity. I feel like this is on similar wavelength with the stilling the mind technique.

A scary prospect to me is combining the techniques. How little effort does it take to still the mind. Why scary? I'm still weaning off of "the pressure" to practice right. Also, it feels simultaneously cool, and uncomfortable and weird to still the mind and experience this sort of "nondual". Or "nonjewel" as the British say ♡
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finding oneself, modified 2 Months ago at 1/24/24 10:10 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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The last two days I have had really fucking sleepy sits. It’s weird how the mind gets when you’re sort of drifting off into dream land. Any mind is weird like that. Like regular discursive thought mind. But meditation mind is really really weird, when I’m half falling asleep but definitely awake. It’s weird, sometimes it seems like I’m not meditating, or its’ not meditation. Sometimes consciousness is slipping into this more dull/ simultaneously weird/dreamy state. Slippery too. 


Like non meditation mind will have these weird motions in thought, and automatically continue on in these weird consciousness alleys, journeys and fragments. The meditation version is the same, except it thinks its meditating. I know what it feels like, and I know what I’m trying to get at. But I cant bring it back. Yesterday I believe I had one sit like this. Boy, I didn’t really want to sit either.


Sits Today: Total time 90m


Sit 1 I did not want to sit at all. I reclined on the couch and started practicing. And I got into the above aforementioned state. Then at some point I woke myself out of it. Now I was half in, half out of the state. Definitely back from the dream land. Awake now, and groggy. It was at this point I continued, reflecting back on being in that fucking weird state. 24 minutes


Sit 2, was no less not wanting to sit. I sat on the hard cushion this time. I really didnt want to sit for like 20 to 30 minutes. Then I didn’t care. Then I started getting hard physical pain. And equanimity to it. I did a lot of sitting after 20 minutes with my eyes open. This was truly do-nothing meditation. As far as I know. Still a lot of work to improve “do-nothing” though. Eventually I decided I’m going to incline to a more jhanic sit. I worked with the energy. And I also worked on stilling the mind. I worked on noticing sound. At some point I reclined on the ground for the last 5 to 10 minutes. I finally felt like I was ok. It is one hour later now? How the fuck did I do a not wanting to sit, sit, and come out being ok sitting, then being ok in general?


Stressful Social Situations Lately



I’ve noticed a theme the past two days. Painful social situations teaching me a lesson. Or just being outright stressful, with no seeming lesson. Or situations arising to show me how to help people. 


Case 1. I was working my blood drive at a warehouse, we were set up in their employee meeting room. To get in we have to go through a locked security door. These doors go against everything in my personality. There was this guy standing on the other side, trying to go the opposite way. He let me in but was all butt hurt about it. o.O It stressed me out the entire day, and going into today.


Case 2. Lady was off. I sensed her hostile energy toward me. Finally when I go to take her blood she basically tells me shes scared and had a bad experience the last time, but not in a very adult way. I feel a lot of pressure, I get the blood draw good though luckily. And I realize my job is to coddle people way older than me. I remember my one coworkers attitude. Shes self described “the most ghetto person working at the red cross”, MEANING, when an angry karen is yelling at her, she will always win. But also I’ve seen her sweet side. She coddled the donor with a motherly babying voice.


Case 3. 80 year old lady with recent shortness of breath tries to donate. I have to call the support center, and the regional doc. When it’s done, I try to let her down gently, that she can’t donate. She is respectful of me but expresses sadness, and fundamental upset, repeating “it’s not ok”. I try to teach her a bigger picture perspective, and she doesn’t get it. I realize after that some people, the only way I’m going to help them, is to just listen. It reminds me of this one time this guy on dialysis tried to donate. That day coworker was like “people are crazy”,


On this topic and more I’ve noticed myself just feeling my body at work. I’ve also noticed “reality being shredded” in the negative sense, but it’s ok. Watching patches of reality shutter at the urinal taking a pisser, is actually entertaining.


I also was reading Geoffreys meditation log and appreciating the fact he always just sits and whatever happens happens. I was really chewing on that fact. Especially considering all the interesting experiences therein.

Edit: I should add, some of the social stess I feel, I am able to own it, and let it do what it needs to do by feeling my body. As I wrote initially above, it is the ebodied act of feeling the body. Its like Daniel Ingrams technique, "thoughts in the room". Except the room is your body. And the thoughts is the stress. The stress can be there by itself, or it can be related to social situations.

The stress is a distillation of all of the fears, failings and paranoia of the past. In the present there is no longer a source or story for it. It's just THERE. There is however more of a tendency for the mind to define the stress as fear for the future.

Basically anytime I feel the stress, I apply the basic feel the body technique. And I do it from the perspective of understanding the Buddha's teaching on dukkha. The truth will set you free. The stress turns into vibrations, instantaneously, and I'm free. It still hurts, but shinzens formula is Pain × resistance = suffering². The square was added to be cutsie. 

So my main technique during this shit show of my work life is feeling the body. Thoughts in the room is the next level. Actually it's the third level. Just the room is the second level. If I can embody myself good, then feel the room, if I can do that, then notice thoughts in the room/body.

But this just begins to get overly complicated. I could add others levels, and thats fine. It's just the main thing is A. Dealing with the stress and B. Helping people.

So A. Is being embodied and B. Is being in the room. (I hate being in the room)(vulnerable and scary sometimes). Feeling being in the body is actually safe mostly.

But the stress is the killer. Besides the sleepy meditations, the body stress has been the second challenge this week. I just need more sleep and need to keep being embodied ♡
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Sha-Man! Geoffrey, modified 1 Month ago at 2/1/24 6:53 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 2/1/24 6:52 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 341 Join Date: 10/30/23 Recent Posts
The last two days I have had really fucking sleepy sits. It’s weird how the mind gets when you’re sort of drifting off into dream land. Any mind is weird like that. Like regular discursive thought mind. But meditation mind is really really weird, when I’m half falling asleep but definitely awake. It’s weird, sometimes it seems like I’m not meditating, or its’ not meditation. Sometimes consciousness is slipping into this more dull/ simultaneously weird/dreamy state. Slippery too. 

Enjoy the bizarreness! I found these kinds of sits quiet weird and fun.

Still a lot of work to improve “do-nothing” though.

Hmmm..... work more to do less you say?

I’ve noticed a theme the past two days. Painful social situations teaching me a lesson. Or just being outright stressful, with no seeming lesson. Or situations arising to show me how to help people. 

Here's a lesson. Where did the past go? How are these things effecting you right now in this very instance? When you're dealing with one of these folks, can you feel the present slip away just as fast as it arrives?

Case 3. 80 year old lady with recent shortness of breath tries to donate. I have to call the support center, and the regional doc. When it’s done, I try to let her down gently, that she can’t donate. She is respectful of me but expresses sadness, and fundamental upset, repeating “it’s not ok”. I try to teach her a bigger picture perspective, and she doesn’t get it. I realize after that some people, the only way I’m going to help them, is to just listen. It reminds me of this one time this guy on dialysis tried to donate.

Did you let her know the official Red cross policy of "trying not to kill old people"? emoticon

I also was reading Geoffreys meditation log and appreciating the fact he always just sits and whatever happens happens. I was really chewing on that fact. Especially considering all the interesting experiences therein.

emoticon

The stress is a distillation of all of the fears, failings and paranoia of the past. In the present there is no longer a source or story for it. It's just THERE. There is however more of a tendency for the mind to define the stress as fear for the future.

Try looking for gaps in it throughout your day. As you get more and more used seeing the gaps, when it does come up try combining with the "slipperiness of the present" stuff from above, and realize when you are in the heat of it, it too is slippery and won't last.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago at 1/31/24 4:37 PM
Created 1 Month ago at 1/31/24 4:36 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I know "non-heroic" is mentioned a lot around here, however at some stage biting into the stick while the operation is ongoing without the anesthetic is a good way to go about this. And I say "at times". There will/could be a time when Re-observation will suck so bad one will feel as if going insane, and in such a place one could give up and get up from the practice. At this time "leaning into" the unpleasant experience is of benefit. If necessary NOTE ALOUD, and KEEP at it until the timer chimes in! emoticon KNOW that you are sitting there only until the end of the session. Its OK emoticon Nothing bad will happen. Im talking daily 1-3 times pracice here. NOT intensive retreats! If on a retreat then sure, take it easy.

BTW, in my experience there is only ONE such really bad sit that after its been seen as a matter-of-fact experience, stuff moves naturally into equanimity nana. Dan Ingram mentions many times in his book "acceptance" emoticon Yes, it sucks, and its sad, and its disgusting, and its scary (fearful), and I just want all this to come to and end and just stop! , and I can't concentrate clearly anymore ... emoticon yes, its ok. Acceptance of all matter-of-fact experience. Note it. Gently but consistently and aloud if it helps go on without stopping such a fruitful session.

Of course, ignore what I say if it doesn't resonate with you. 

Best wishes! 
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finding oneself, modified 1 Month ago at 2/10/24 10:27 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 2/10/24 10:27 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Papa, Geoffrey. Thank you.
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finding oneself, modified 1 Month ago at 2/21/24 1:21 PM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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I just want to make a quick update, I'm at work on break right now. I don't have much motivation to post or response lately apparently, and whenever I do I get proverbial connection issues... in any case something is different lately.

More or less. Whenever Im in a good mood and all things are lining up, it's as if, more or less, I'm done. It doesn't matter if I enter the stream anymore. I know it is an inevitability. Im sort of already there.

The system wants to be awake. And it Is and/or will be.

Also its pretty fucking easy and standard to get to equanimity multiple times a week.

Also I'm going to quit kratom. Within weeks of the last side effects going away, awakening will happen quickly.

Also via Chris Langan. I now have a PERSONAL connection with God.

My path to stream entry, now involves all three motivations. 1. One's own suffering. 2. The seeking of truth (studying consciousness for fun). And 3. "Devotion", or the love of god, life, the path and dharma. And literally anything.
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Chris M, modified 1 Month ago at 2/22/24 7:45 AM
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RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Stay in touch, and keep us in your information loop!
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finding oneself, modified 1 Month ago at 2/22/24 11:07 AM
Created 1 Month ago at 2/22/24 11:07 AM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
On break again. 

... 

Thanks Chris. And I will.

...

On the personal relationship with God thing. That's what got me to this point.

I realized God doesn't have to be this mysterious alien construct thing. And I really SHOULD have a personal relationship with "it". Even there. I'm trying to transition to saying "him". Idk. Whatever works. 

Back to my old young hippie days after my A&P. I liked and embraced the idea of cosmic love. 

Basically the thing is, this is it. Eyes closed laying down at night. Light behind eye lids. 1st person experience of being an Alive sentient consciousness and body. The light Is God. My sentience is God. I felt alive. And I felt knowing. It's not complicated. My mind and intelligence is the guy. It's just a form of it. But this is only like week two of experimenting with the personal relationship with god. I know it will progress.

At one point I prayed to god and said "please help me quit kratom". Then the next day I was taking steps to quit. 

Oh also the idea of quitting had given me so much confidence. Both to enter the stream. And to fix my life. Etc.

I have a work drama update too lateremoticon
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finding oneself, modified 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 4:50 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 4:50 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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This is post is going to have more story content, because it's magical. Not even in the "magick" sense. Just the beauty of life. But also magick with a k, I suppose.

Work - So as it turns out, my supervisor never filed the paper work. My supervisor is like this blue colar dude from New York, a pool player, comes in swearing like a sailor, reaking of booze the next day (he plays pool at night at the bar). God love him. I was meant to meet this man. He reminds me of my brother (heroin using, gourmet chef, convict, FBI raided brother(deceased)). My friend said "It's crazy, there is never a supervsor like that". Also one day I saw a buddha statue in his car and the bhagavad gita. He's Indian. I didn't bring any of this up because it's like, it's part of his culture he grew up with. And for me it's spiritual tech. Nonetheless, auspicious. Anywho... He didn't file the paperwork to protect me. And I told him I'm worried that if I transfer, he will get in trouble. But he's like "fuck it, I can't get in trouble, I'm leavng soon." The last two days have been confusing. I told my friend what was asked of me and what was going on and she's like "wow thats confusing. So what are you supposed to do?" I didn't know. My supervisor is a great and crazy human, but he sent me on a crazy goose chase. I told my friend it's like a crazy DMT carvinal trip, all up in my face. But after 5 phone calls, in two days, to three different people, it's out of my hands now. I figured out what to do and say and the deed is done. I should be able to transfer after my supervisor talks to the "recruting" department.

God damn kratom addiciton - Welp. I've ordered a microdose formulation of an alleged substance from nature that effects addiciton and the opioid system. It's supposed to freshen and heal my fucked with, endorphoin receptors. (and nicotine, hello noortopic nictoine!) The nicotine is just a bonus, I used it like caffeine. Anyway, I take 4-6 sprays each day, 3-5 days a week. It has reverse tolerance to some extend, but also, I don't want to build up a tolerance, paradoxically. I've never experienced reverse tolerance with any substance, so I doubt the former. Anyway, it does indeed feel like it's working. I've been smiling a lot, as an inadvertant meditative practice, at work. I have a crush on this hippie girl online who sells "ceremonial cacao". I got some some pragmatic hardcore meditator in me, and I also got some sterotypical new-age adjacent, hippie in me. I copy her smiling, unconsciously. I theorize it's not a dopamine chase type smile. but a spiritual one. Whatever the fuck that means. This last part is kind of embarassing but it's real, and relevant. It's dharma transmission through some random person. But also it's a positive symptom of the changes in my system by virtue of the herb.

It's too early to make any sweeping conclusions on this front, but it's a good sign. My plan is to get 10 grams of the raw bark, and use 5 grams over like 3 days. This will be enough to reset my tolerance. If needed, I will do a second session. With my new job, all I have to do is take 2 days off and I get a whole 7 days off in a row. And Other times you just get 5 days off randomly. Ill take one day to "detox", no kratom. Take a sleeping pill. Then days 2 - 4 I'll take small doses of iboga bark.

I've quit kratom at least two times, since I started. One for three months. And I used naltrexone to speed up the detox. But my consumption has increased many times. And I just don't want to do it again. And it's not conducive with work. And why would I even do that when their is another option? Also, it saves the months of recovery afterwords. I would like nature, exogenous nature, to clean and heal my system. I really don't think I'm damaged or dirty, in any way. I've never been afraid of physical toxicity of kratom. I even assume it has secondary physical benefits. Speaken lilke a true hippie. That's not to  say  I don't abuse it. I sure have. If I used 1/3 of the ammount I used, then it wouldn't be as bad. But I have taken more than is needed. It did, however, act as a safe anxyolitic. It helped me learn to socialize in college. And helped on the job. Ok, misson accomplished. TIme to quit. 

Part of the process is to record my dosages, and taper. None of this is set in stone, but I do have my intention. If I can do it with just the microdoses, I'll do it that way. But I may still do the "small" doses, later.

Meditation - Yes, it's going good. Not much to report. But as I've said above, it's extremely promissing. I have noticed I'm getting more into those aformentioned meditative states, at work, more effortlessly. With the new smiling phenomenon added. It's only been 1 week since I got the stuff, and I've only taken it 4 and a half days. Things should improve. Also, my dreams have been insane. But this goes back like 3 or 4 weeks. I have a somwhat subconscious intention to work with dreams, and remember them more. It seems like it's working. 

Also I haven't had any major upwellings of my "personal relationship with god". But it's another facet to work on. 

Apaulling Synchronicity - As Ram Dass said. I ordered "Advanced Magic for Begginners". Why? IDK, it's a classic in these circles, and I figured I ought to get it. And see wat's up. So last night I got it, in the mail, direct order from Aeon publishing. Normally I order Amazon but said fuck it. So I'm stairing at this cover, sort of subconsciously contemplating the pineapple grenade. My mind didn't directly say this, but infered it "I wonder if there is a synchronicity with this pineapple grenade?". Another way of putting it, is that I was thinking symbolically. Like "I wonder what in the univerese, this pineapple grenade is, wat's the symbolism?"... etc, etc.

Ok, so fucking today, at work, we are set up at a POLICE FORESICS LAB. Of all places. That's what I like about the blood mobiles, we go to all these places that are weird as shit, and cool. So I noticed in the halls all kinds of cool shit. This one cabinet with interesting chemistry nik naks, some thing about gene transferase, and PCR tests. Another guy has a sticker that says "I love guns" or some shit. But that same office door, there is a little platform attacted to the wall. And on that platform is, I shit you not, a god damn PINEAPPLE grenade that says "Complaint department, please take a number" And arrow pointing at the fucking pineapple grenade with a "#1" on the detonating pin. I've intentionally called it specifically a "pineapple" grenade, before it every time, for comedic reasons. It's mildly pleasing to me. I'll try to add the photo.

Look, idk what it means. But it all makes me feel safe, loved and happy. And confident we got this. Or I'm going in the right direction, as of late.

I made a wish about January 2023 that "23" will be the year I fix my life. Well, apparenly it's hitting now, maybe. Also I was born on the year of the goat. And am a taurus if it's relevent. Both cloven hooved demon aminals. A basic google search says that year of the goats will do alright this year, so we will see. We will see. 
Martin, modified 27 Days ago at 3/1/24 12:11 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 3/1/24 12:11 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 746 Join Date: 4/25/20 Recent Posts
Keep in mind that addiction recovery groups work for many people. They worked for me. A lot of people like the 12-step model, and it is usually really accessible for people who have a personal relationship with God. Other good options are Lifering, which works well for people who find the 12-step model overly religious, and SMART Recovery, which, although they don't consciously know it, is remarkably Buddhist. 
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finding oneself, modified 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 4:56 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 4:56 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts

​​​​​​​
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finding oneself, modified 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:21 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:21 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
If scrolling all the way down and immeditaely seeing a giant pineapple grenade is a little jarring, it's not just because I like pineapple grenades, it's because I suck at forum post editing. It's part of the previous post.
shargrol, modified 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:31 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:31 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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Might be time to contact your HGA emoticon
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finding oneself, modified 26 Days ago at 3/2/24 4:28 PM
Created 26 Days ago at 3/2/24 4:28 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
shargrol
Might be time to contact your HGA emoticon
I was laughing loudly when I read this at the time. It's the perfect response! It made me pick up the book on a random thursday night. It's remarkable how pertinant the stuff in the book is. Also, it says to make a magic journal. Coincidentally I bought three journals for meditation, etc, the week before.

Yeah, time to contact the holy guardian angel, lol
‎ ‎Nihila, modified 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:52 PM
Created 27 Days ago at 2/29/24 5:52 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 309 Join Date: 1/19/23 Recent Posts
Best of luck with the withdrawal. I first came across it back in 2009 and was surprised by the similarities to heavier opiates, it's no joke.
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finding oneself, modified 25 Days ago at 3/2/24 4:32 PM
Created 25 Days ago at 3/2/24 4:31 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

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@nihila Thanks. You and shargrol replied almost immediately after. Sometimes the social aspects of this, I'm scared to share sometimes. But the immediate support was super helpful for this suffering human being at the time.

​​​​​​​@martin Thanks for the support also.
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finding oneself, modified 19 Days ago at 3/9/24 1:15 PM
Created 19 Days ago at 3/9/24 1:15 PM

RE: Alex's Practice Log 3 (Finding-Oneself)

Posts: 356 Join Date: 1/7/14 Recent Posts
It's been over a week since the pineapple grenade synchonictiy and it has faded. But objectively it was one of the most insane synchonicities ever. Subjectively though, it wasn't that a big a deal, on an emotional level. But again, the main take away is keep going. Contact ur gaurdian angel. Keep meditating. Keep working with god. Almost a cosmic "atta boy" from space daddy. I already have a healthy ammount of "faith", but this doesn't hurt. It's a good reminder from early practice, after the initial washing out of doubt, after the A&P event. This is a reminder to read the "wisdom" chapters, on the five spiritual faculties.

Ok, let's talk meditation. One thing that I "take for granted", in a positve/neutral way is that I don't make a distinction between "concentration" and "insight". I mean pragmatically speaking. Pragmatically I know I'm laying the ground work for both. I only set out to do three things. 1. Releive suffering. 2. Study consciousness and 3. A holy/sacred reverance for existince. Prayer through being. In that order from most to least. This part is a reminder to re-read my highlights from The Mind Illuminated

Practice wise I have noticed the trend lately to be more in the moment, or possibly "do-nothing" meditation, rather than goal oriented. To get even more specific I've noticed this sort of "calm" wash over me, as I notice the visual snow im my visual center, or notice the entire field. I.E. Instantaneously noticing a visual and/or spacial object -> which leads to calming - > which leads to a brief non-dual perception. Meaning the objects are just what they are. And maybe the narrative-mind stops for a bit, and I'm just "in the moment". It's very peaceful and calm. This phenomenon happens ramdonly, ocassionally, at work. When nothing is happening, and I'm standing or sitting there looking at a spot.

Of course, this isn't anything new. And i've seen this, and hundreds of different forms of it, throughout my practice. However it's another trend. And it fits in to the 3 intentions. Specifically through intention #2 "to study consciousness". Because I find myself later, taking this to the cushion. Specifically the "calming" part. 

Now segweying to on the cushion practice as of late. And rerouting the exact same experience through the "first intention", "alleviating suffering.

One thing that may happen is it gets all calm, and I get either bored, or agitated, or any manner of reactions. Or let's say I sit down, and am pissed off with the entire paradigm of "trying to get somewhere" or "attain stream entry", which is tangentially related to "note everything". The noting practice in this  paradigm offends my sense of intelligence. For instance, say I sit down and notice consciousness, my body, the phenomenon within, I internally move towards noting. I may or may not start noting things. But here's the punchline. I go "are you fucking serious? You want me to note, "vision", "touch of cloth".... etc etc.... esentially any obvious physical sensations. It's like "No fucking shit."  " I know I feel my body, how god damn obvious can it be". I feel like it's such a waste to invest so much bandwidth and attention into all this obvious stuff.

 But this is the REAL punchline. I suddenly get a beautiful synthesis of a form of noting + choiceless awareness + a whole field equanimity type of expetience. And also, this is the main thing, a deep understanding of the dukkha characteristic. Because that is what is causing this whole process. Years of trying to "get SE". Years of paying attention. Maybe 10% of my bandwidth collectively invested in the "noting" technique.

Well suddenly its a reworking of all bandwidth. A reworking of all my strengths and weaknesses, to give me the most powerful use of resources, in the moment.

An example of the phenomenology would be like, I sit down. I suddenly become vividly aware of reality. There is a knowing of what things I'm noticing and how much intenstiy, or lackthereof. There will be a certain reconfiguration, where attention will get concentrationy. The body as object, will be hone in one. Vision and hearing. And an integration of those. A certain checking in with so called "attention phase harmony". But here's where the notes come it. So far the physical stuff will be matter-of-factly presenting. Then the more ephemeral stuff will be noted. 

It saves so much exhaustion over silly noting. Like, I will note/notice thoughts. I'll notice how the body feels, simultaneously while I note the thought occuring in that same moment. Just as important and core, I will notice the fundamental substance of dukkha, behind all this, and animating it all. The dukkha being what shargrol calls "pre-emotions" or "Urges". IDK, I don't really label it. I just feel it. If the 3cs are connected, it's a huge and powerful force, just like the obvious lack of a self inside the light-filled head (or darkness, when eyes are closed). It really helps practice. It cuts through everything.

So far, at this level, the main things I note are thoughts, and emtions, and "core-processes", to a lesser extent, and in that decending order. The neat thing is that the "dukkha" (the C), isn't noted. It's just there inside all this stuff. Very important. It's also extremely relevant I've been able to use this as a spring board at work. It's pretty natural for me to notice the whispy thought, inside the big physical body, walking around. I'll note it sometimes too. But when at work, I usually don't note it.

Working with the "room" could be a whole other post. But I have't had any breakthroughs here, in this same regard described above. 

One former skill I need to remember/bring to the cushion/bring to walking around life, is simply feeling the body. But as of the time I'm writing this post, I've already begun doing this, for weeks. It's funny how all these techniques swirl around, come and go. But some things, eventually just become hard wired skills. Second nature. Feeling the body (enteroception) hasn't become necessarily hard wired yet. But after realizing I had used to do this consistenly as a core practice, and it wanned, I had realized it is indeed second nature. Like if you learned piano, get good. And forget to practice for a while. You may jump back in at your leisure. This paragraph here, take it with a grain of salt. I'm doing my best to explain it in english. To describe my own consciousness and experience. With my current level of consciousness, memory, while doing a dozen other things to survive in the physical world. This last paragraph is a detour, and isn't really necessarily about the tehcnique, or lackthereof. It's about the entire process.

For instance. I think I got so good at noticing the "no-self" characteristic, walking around. That it would be my default go to "destressor". Whearas it used to just be "feeling the body". Feeling the body, whether there just happene to bense of self or not, in that given moment. But it's really nice because I'll naturally waffle around with these difference techniques. Moved by the primary intention, #1, to alleviate suffering. So overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, the body/mind does it's best to just help this human-animal navigate living in an imperfect environment.

 The take away here, is I'll slowly learn to do more and more of these things at a deeper, unconscious, or built-in level. Obviously stream entry would sort of set a lot of these things in. And later paths. The second take away is I can learn to do these things consciously. I can pick to do "feel the body" meditaiton. If I'm doing that good, I can simultaneously incorporate feeling like I don't have a self, inside the head. If it helps. I could also just thing the magic words "ok, be in a flow state". And suddenly, I'm whipping together all the equipment I need at work, in a fun playful, and automatic way. There s overelap between all these things, and more. I could also harken back to the start of this post. Being in a non-dual state. Where primordial child consciousness is just there. It's quiet. It's god looking through my eyes. Just a caveat, this last one, I know the least about. But I can tell how simple it is, at the same time.

I know at the start I equated the "calm" thing with the "no-dual" thing. They are similar and have overlap. But I think what I was describing, at work, is getting into an automatic calm, concentration state. But I'm still working all this out.

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