Log #1

So I started a new practice yesterday, to try and balance my seemingly unbalanced nadi's.

Chandra Bhedana Pranayama - Left Nostril Breathing - did about 5 minutes yesterday, and it seemed to set things in motion. Later when going for a walk I had to purge and this time it came up more from my right side, which hasn't happened before, so something's happening for sure. Waking up today things also felt a lot calmer than normal, so maybe I'm on to something.

Lot's of chock and fear type feelings have started subsiding last few days, and with it seems to come the ability for tears to flow more freely. Feels good to finally be able to let go of stuff. What an overwhelming burden it is to carry all of this.

Been working through stuff and things are sort of setteling. Feeling alot of tiredness lately, especially the last couple days. I've felt this deep heaviness when waking up, something I've not really felt much of before, but it feels really good, as if it's letting me rest really deeply.

Also had my first dream in where I'm loosing teeth, something I've heard is a common dream. Not sure what it means, if it means anything, but feels like some sign of normalcy at least.

I've also stopped therapy. It's been more stressful than helpful I feel, so I think I needed a break. Not sure if and when I'll be going back but it felt like the right choice atm.

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/t.htm

To dream that your teeth has fallen out and you try to refit them back into the mouth signifies a lack of self-confidence and embarrassment. You are afraid that others will know of your short-comings. If you acted calmly in your dream, then it may point to how can make the best out of any situation. You are able to rise above unfavorable circumstances.
Dreaming that there are teeth growing all over inside your mouth from the roof of your mouth to under your tongue means that you are on the defensive about something and may be a little overly aggressive about it.
If you dream that your teeth is broken or that it has been knocked out, then it means that you have misspoken about some matter. It is also refers to the consequences of your words and/or what you say about others.  
To dream that you are pulling teeth out of your mouth and it hurts refers to something that you do not want to do. If you dream of pulling teeth out of your mouth and it does not hurt, then it means that a situation was not as difficult or tedious as you had initially assumed.

I had a hunch that "existential" therapy would not be best for you, but didn't say anything. Sometimes you have to let people fail to not block them from learning something.

Thing about therapy is, most of the problems you would go to a therapist for originate from trauma of various sorts, and talk therapy is notoriously bad at fully curing trauma. Technically talk therapy can cure trauma, but the skill level it requires is bordering superhuman (like Milton Erickson).
While scientific evidence is still lacking to fully judge what is best, by all accounts the only reliably effective modalities of therapy for trauma incorporate elements of embodiment and intuitive sensing.
EMDR, somatic experiencing, bodywork dearmouring, internal family systems, MDMA-assisted psychotherapy, breathwork all have this in common.

Still is stressful AF tho, even if it is effective.

I was able to unblock my side nadis with EMDR btw. Thought you might find that useful.

I don't think it's as much about modality as it's about me trying too hard and burning out.

After dealing with some family issues and a lot of anger/hurt feelings last few days I think I'm on the verge of another black hole. I had my first one 2018 and I haven't had one since. It lasted for a good week and it was about the most unconfortable stuff I've had to face. Let's hope it's not as bad, but I'm assuming that's not the case.

Best wishes!!

Thanks! Turns out it wasn't.

After I posted I went into what I was feeling, and then it just went away. It was a very dark/sad feeling, but no black hole.

Instead today I'm getting my ass handed to me by re-obs. Feels like I'm going to go absolutely bonkers, but then absolutely nothing happens. I guess this is what's meant by the 'toothless dog with a ferocious bark.' Crazy, hahaha.

Have had a couple days in misery. This morning though I managed to release something and I went into high EQ, which was quite nice. I haven't had EQ in a good while. Nothing mindblowing, but probably among the most blissful states I've had so far.

Back to misery this afternoon, more stuff to uncover I suppose.

Have been feeling like my body/mind has been coming together more last few days. Like proper boundaries are coming back and I don't feel as inside out as I'm used to. Left side issues are getting better it seems and I feel kinda like the whole DN has been like a bad fever dream or something, like if the last four years have not really happened and I'm coming back to more of my old self again. Can't really say I've been in any of the DN stages last couple days either, which is a nice change. Guess I'll se what happens next. Feeling motivated to practice more, although I'm still tired/depressed. Going to get some excercise and meditate more today.

More DN stuff chugging along, I feel I make more and more emotional realizations and releases. Like it seems to go fast from one realization to another. General mood is much lighter than usual and a lot of warmth seems to come along as a side effect of releases/realizations.

I do meditate more often but not much happens in terms of insights, which is fine. It's mostly emotional, even in meditation, just letting it do what it needs. I think just getting consistant is good for now.

Consistency is everything. Meditation is a bit like swimming upstream... if you keep a good daily practice, you work your way upstream. But it takes a certain amount of time, maybe the first 3/4 of the sit, just to get to where you were the day before. It's only the last little bit of the sit where you gain a few inches past yesterday. But those inches add up when you string together days, months, years of consistent daily practice.

And obviously bigger jumps can happen with retreats where days of days of practice happen. 


Emotional stuff is insight, actually even deeper than thoughts. Thoughts basically exist to keep emotions at a safe distance and to take the edge off of them. A lot of meditation is about reconnecting with sensations and emotions and being able to experience them directly.

Interesting, ok. I guess I see it as separate for some reason. Thanks for the feedback.

Things are moving along slowly but surely. Intense experiences like freakouts and intense flashbacks are becoming further and further apart, things have slowed and calmed down significantly compared to only a few months ago. Partly due to willingness to meet whatever comes up, working through it, meditating, etc. but also due to me getting my supplement regiment back in order. Amazing how much simple suplementation of minerals and vitamins can change things. Been getting out more and interest in old hobbies have come back, more energy to do things... Things seem to be moving in a good direction.

I've also started doing some stretching thanks to Aeon's theory/discovery about the left side excess energy/scholiosis connection. Maybe it's time to start adhering to my chiropractors advice after all. :p

Had a good sit today with some interesting insights.
~40 minutes, felt like 20.

Started out frustrated, dfd stuff I guess. I usually don't sit for long in dfd but have had some good releases lately so they aren't as intense anymore. About halfway in I felt that slight drop into eq/peace that usually comes at around 15-20 minutes. I started focusing on the frustration and vibrations along with it. I decided to start counting the vibrations to sort of get a feel for the frequency of it. I counted really fast, maybe 5-7 hz, and by the time I got to 40 the vibrations just dissipated. Very interesting. Then things started to get uncomfortable, and I wanted to stop but decided to stick with it. A few thoughts and visions of where the frustration came from came, and I gained some good insight into it. Energy released out the top, left side channel and it was gone.

I feel like there might be more to learn/release from it, but that will have to come later.

Oh and also, I could really notice the importance of posture when meditating, how it helps energy flow. Very interesting. Very happy about the sit.

Did you try any mobility stuff to straighten out your spinal alignment?

Gotta admit yoga exercises makes a lot more sense to me, after seeing how unbalanced the kundalini of you leftie-tilters can get.

Yeah I'm doing exercises, not every day but I try to be more aware of my posture and how I sit, lay etc. I've also gotten slippers with cork heels on my left foot, as adviced by my old chiropractor.

Wise decision, friend. I know sticking to mobility isn't always easy. I skip it as much as possible, because, well, laziness I guess.

Have you been informed on how to use pillows to keep your spine as straight and comfortable as possible while sleeping?
It can really make a difference in progress, because tension can build while sleeping, especially if in a bad posture.

I have not.

If sidesleeping, this one is best: https://youtu.be/HNKCVuZmjHY

Back sleeping is a bit different, think they have a video for that too if you need it.

Your mileage may vary when you have scoliosis. Listen to your body, if anything hurts or is uncomfortable.
That said, sleeping position can make or break your overall physical healing in some cases, it's worth getting right.
Also just makes your day time life that much better from enhanced sleep quality.

That's a lot of pillows, lol.

Might try experimenting, but I don't think sleep position is really causing me any trouble.

So I had a slight change today so I figured I'd update a bit since it's been a while.

I've struggled with getting medication right. I was on Zoloft for a good 2 months, and it didn't work at all. I was having constant anxiety. Felt like an MDMA come up that never really stopped. So I changed to Lexapro and it's working better, at least in terms of side effects. I can't really say I'm seeing any positive effects yet, but it's only been about 6-7 weeks so hoping it changes soon.

As for the changes, it was very subtle. After a couple days of surprise depression and anxiety I had an explosion of excitement today, again mostly up my left side. And after there was a small ball of energy on my right side that went up into my head and then down again into my pelvis area.

I haven't had any energy flow at all in my right channel, so I'm sort of taking this as a confirmation that my issues indeed are related to the nadis.

I've also been into the Enneagram since my awakening and I've recently discovered my type after having it wrong for a couple years, which has helped and been a relief. Are people here into the Enneagram at all?

I recall that Satikaro and Tina Rasmussen are into the enneagram... might be interesting to you:

Santikaro | Cloud Mountain Retreat Center

Online Workshop: Buddhist Psychology and the Enneagram Part I | Tina Rasmussen - Innercraft (inner-craft.com)

Very interesting, thank you for sharing!

Depression continues. I feel like it might be another round of dissolution. Feeling sort of lost and confused, not much motivation to do anything but lie in bed, everything pretty much sucks. Also more jittery and nervous than I'm used to in dissolution so I don't know really. Usually it feels more calm. I very rarely get this depressed and if I do it doesn't usually last long. Anyways, hopefully it resolves soon cause this sucks.

Depression lifted a couple days ago after what I can only assume to be a breakthrough in re-obs. I felt like I was up against this impenetrable wall of assumptions and ideals about the process, which I have come upon a few times before, but this time I just sort of surrendered instead of pushing stronger against it and I feel like it dissolved something and that I gained some insight from it. I can't say I reached any deep EQ after but my mood is much better and I feel a lot calmer and was able to process some things later that was pretty freeing as well.

45 minute sit - 25 minute counting - 20 minute do nothing
I decided to try counting for a change. Have been looking for something new in my meditation for a while and saw this in another post recently and decided to try. I started counting in and out breaths, 1,1 - 2,2 etc. Then after a few counts of 20 I just started counting the out breaths only.
It worked surprisingly well. I went really deep really fast, faster than I've ever gone before. In only a few minutes I felt the ease and light eq that usually comes at around 20+ minutesit.
Another thing I noticed was that when counting, I was only referencing something internal in my mind, like only focusing internally, as opposed to regular life, or meditation before it. I'm not sure how to describe it really, but it was a very clear contrast to regular state of mind, even previous meditative states. I guess concentration was strong. Anyways it was a nice change of pace and was very nice and refreshing. Also to my surprise I was able to count without being distracted too. Only a couple times did I ever lose my count or wander.

About 20-25 minutes in I just sat and let whatever come. Some memories showed up of an semi old relationship, and I was able to gain some insight into it.

Glad I tried this technique, definitely going to stick with it for a while and see what it brings. Again very refreshing.

~40 minute mid day sit - counting
Continuing counting breaths. Had a hard time focusing today due to tiredness and continually fell off the count until I eventually just fell asleep. Felt refreshed coming out of it though so not for naught.

~30 minute evening sit - counting 15 min, focus on sensation 15 min
Counting went fine this time. Started out quiet, about halfway through some fear type feelings arose. Breathing increased in intensity with the fear so the counting did aswell. After only about 30 seconds or so it started calming down again and it felt like something dissolved.

A little while later I stopped counting to focus on sensations. What was most prevalent were sort of big bubbles of seemingly volatile energy moving underneath me and around my pelvis area. I think I know what it's related to but I'll have to investigate it more later.

~ 40 minute sit
Started off my sit kind of emotional and frustrated so decided to just sit with what was. At the same time I was semi blissful so just sitting with whatever was felt pretty good too. After a few minutes stuff started to relax and I just sat with the semi bliss/good feels for the rest of the sit. Not very eventful, peaceful and restorative. Came out feeling rested.

Big sense of dense gray joylessness today. One of my old exes added me on instagram yesterday which triggered some unresolved emotions, anger and disgust mainly and so I went into it and released some stuff. I think today I'm sort of feeling the after effects of it, or continuation perhaps.

Intresting enough I had a dream about her just the day before, weird synchronicity I guess.

Going to have some food and have a sit a bit later and see what unfolds.

~60 minute sit
Longer sit today. Counted breaths for the first 10-15 minutes, then investigated feelings and sensations for the remaining time. Not that much happened really, but at the end of the sit I could notice some stuff starting to come up. I think longer sits are a good thing atm to be able to uncover stuff.

~35 minute sit
Just had an interesting sit. It started out pretty intense. Not sure how to label the feelings entirely. Probably something akin to overwhelm or fear or just trauma energy perhaps. Sat with them and soon I could feel my body harden. Like my torso and head had this very hard energy in and around it. Tried to become more intimite with it and I could notice some fast vibrations happening. I counted the vibrations to a bout 50 and they dissapated. A pain shot up my back, and I had to tense my arms and back a bit and soon it too disappated.

My body now felt more open and the hardness went away. Some memories started popping up from around my first awakening period and I could gain some insight into them.

While the feelings of hardness and tension aren't new, this approach to dissolve them are new to me and is such a great learning experience. Feels good to find a "solution" to them as they've been a big source of suffering previously.

Overall quite the unpleasant sit, but insightful nonetheless. I was shooting for a 60 minute sit but decided to stop due to the intensity.

~40 minute sit
Bit restless to start, tried to center myself and then started counting. Counted for about half to 3/4 of the sit, then some anger and disgust from an old memory came up so for the rest of the sit I just sat with that. More pleasant sit than previous one for sure. Good concentration while counting. Feeling sort of dissolved and semi boundaryless coming out of it now, kind of a dark loving space.

Also I was wondering about my previous sit, that hardness, is that a quality of 3 characteristics?

Yes, the body armoring, resisting, contortions, or hardening feeling can be associated with the 3 Characteristics nana. It can also be a phase when it feels like ants crawling on the skin -- or a phase of some flowing and annoying but minor sensation. 

Indeed the way through 3C is to neither avoid nor indulge in the drama, but rather just simply get curious about how it actually feels. Pay more attention to the actual physical sensations rather than the meanings/interpretations of the sensations. Sometimes by intimately going >into< the sensations it will increase concentration and it's a gateway to a very precise A&P nana.

One trick is to use the idea of "what is the sensation behind the sensation?"  Imagine that each sensation is hiding or masking another sensation behind it and the the only way to see the hidden sensation is to fully and intimately experience the present sensation. This usually leads to a flow of sensations revealing sensations revealing sensations...

(But I think you already know all of this, sorry for all the babbling!   )

Not at all, I appreciate the feedback as I'm still pretty new to this. I don't have any real practice down yet, so I feel it's useful to know if I'm on the right track or not. Thanks shargrol!

Have just tried to be present with feelings today, no real concentration sit, just sitting with feelings. Been pretty intense. Anger and frustration mainly to begin with, later in the day more subtle stuff, having to contort into weird positions etc. Feeling much more calm after, might have a sit a bit later if the calm continues.

~30 minute sit - physical sensations
Had a sit. More 3C stuff, heavyness and hardness. Trying to be present helps but seems more tricky and contorty this time around, was not able to fully dissolve it.

It's nice though, using the physical sensations as an object of meditation. I'm noticing I can get really concentrated with it. Going to have to play more with it.

Another thing I noticed with it is a lot of anger, a real hatred for this state... not sure if it's related to 3C or if it's frustration with the hard physical stuff or just old stuff surfacing... Is this normal or just me?

The classic explanation for anger is that anger covers hurt. Try holding anger with love and caring, like holding an angry baby that's thrasing around... and see what happens. 

Re : What are the different styles of vipassana?

(As it was off topic in the other thread).
A.good.read.is jack kornfield's "living dharma".
The most famous are the Mahasi tradition (the noting practice), starting vipassana right away, and the Goenka style retreats which introduces you to vipassana through body scanning (which helps you discerning the "impermanent" characteristics of phenomena) after 3 and a half days of concentration on the breath at the nostrils.
In Burma and Thailand there are many other styles (pa-auk for example, going much deeper in concentration before switching to insight, and many sayadaws with their own tricks to develop insight).
Remember that vipassana is a way of seeing, not a technique.
Hope that helps
With metta
​​​​​​​smiling stone

Ah, sorry. I was under the impression that on/off topic rules were pretty relaxed here.

Thanks for the explanation, that clarifies things. I've heard of both noting and scanning but I've not tried either. I'll definitely check out Jack Kornfeild's book, I've seen a couple interviews with him. Anyways very helpful as I'm looking to broaden my currently very narrow practice. Anapana only atm, counting breaths.

~30 minute sit
 More 3C stuff. Could really notice the drama more now, but tried to focus on the breath or physical sensations. Lots of hard sensations in and up he back. Sharp pain in the solarplexus area.

Woke up today in a sort of vulnerable state. Realized after a bit that it was a childhood flashback so spent the day trying to resolve that. A while after working trhough some of it I decided to sit.

~45 minute sit - anapana, counting
Counted for a good 15 minutes and when things calmed down I was able to go into more emotions related to the flashback, and an even earlier purely emotional memory. Took a break for 10 minutes then had a 15 minute sit. Was trying to get back into counting but this strong vibration was present so tried counting and being present to that and eventually that went away. Another break.

Continued to investigate the memory because there were more things to uncover based on how I was feeling. Was able to resolve it and more sharp pain and hardness emerged again, like previous days.

~40 minute sit
Immediately noticed some heavy feeling present on my right side so I spent most of the time trying to feel into it. I didn't set any time limit, just wanted to work through the emotion as it was distracting. I tried incorporating some counting but main focus was to resolve the emotion. It took a good while but after around 30 minutes things started to settle and I was able to go into the emotion fully.

~ 30 min sit
I feel like I'm in misery territory both my sits today. Started more restless this time. More stuff from the right side, volatile restless energy; like the rumbling from a thunderstorm. Tried to just be aware of the restless energy but it needed to be felt into, so I did and some shaking and contracting took place.

After my meditation yesterday some anger arose. It took me a while but I eventually sat down with it to investigate, after trying some other things that didn't resolve it. I asked myself where this was from, and I was instantly shown and it was obvious. It was from one of the memories I had worked with earlier in the day.

Later in the evening I felt very good and very relaxed. More relaxed than I've felt in years actually. The positive feelings weren't very intense, it was very subtle but I had some trouble sleeping due to it still. Perhaps a fear of letting go.


~ 15 minute sit
Started out counting. Within a minute a series of memories were grabbing my attention and I wasn't able to focus on counting as much. They were accompanied by some volatile energy and I ended up investigating the memories for the majority of the sit. I eventually gained some good insight into them and decided to end the sit there.

Isn't it fascinating how the mind/body works? I'm still amazed how odd bursts of feelings or thoughts can often be traced back to a sort of partially digested experience from earlier in the day, week, year, or lifetime. And it's wierd how the "negative" feeling or thought seems like it should just be ignored... but when you go into it, there is a tiny little piece of wisdom or relief from fully experiencing the negativity. Dukka truly is a teacher.

Shinzen talks about how meditators develop "a taste for purification" which sounds nice and light and clean, like developing a taste for wearing all white clothes and sitting in a big open room with a little bit of incense burning... but what he means is that dtators develop a new instinct for going into the dukka stuff because they know there is relief and wisdom on the other side.

It's sort of like intentionally going into an old abandoned horse stable and shoveling out all the old and rotting poop... and then going into the dirty laundry room that's filled with our dirty and stinking clothes... and going into a bathtub that becomes gray with all the dirt on our skin... and we don't even realize what happened, but we realize that now we're sitting in a big open room, wearing nice white clothes, and clean air is filling the space ---- all because we went into the completely opposite experience!

The only thing we need to do is balance our practice. Going at a pace that is maintainable. Taking time to recover. Not trying to rush and exaust ourself by cleaning the stable in one day. Not getting angry with ourself that we have our own particular horse stable to clean...

People tend to over-estimate what can be done in a day, week, or month... but they really under-estimate what can be done in three months, a year, and three years.

Yeah, I've actually noticed that the last few days, that I'm starting to develop a taste for it. It's definitely an acquired taste, but there's nothing else like it.

~ 25 minutes - anapana
Counted for a good 10 minutes without much distractions. A lot of restless energy coming up my left side during, never really settled so decided to investigate. More old memories came up and was able to sit with them for the rest of the sit until I gained insight. Good sit.

I've also started reading Jack Kornfeild's Living Dharma. So far I've read the Mahasi exercises and I'm slightly put off by it due it being so direct and all encompasing, which is probably a sign I should try it but I'm going to read through more first though to see if other techniques seem more fitting.

~ 20 minute sit
5 minute counting, then more mind content being worked through for the remainder of the sit.

~ 15 minute morning sit
Not much concentration, but some counting for a minute or two to center myself. Then investigating feelings/mind content as it was being unruly. Minor insights into things like shame and belonging. Then at the end a bigger realization into an early life experience. Good sit.


~ 20 minute mid day sit
Again, unruly mind (feels like fear or perhaps distust stage). More stuff related to the previous big realization, more insight.

Didn't feel like I got much concentration going in either sit, but still I feel sort of rested coming out of my last sit.

~ 20 minute lying meditation
Tried meditating lying down as I was having a hard time with concentration when sitting. Went a lot better but I could notice myself almost falling asleep. I would notice snoring happening at the end of it.
Decided to go to bed early and ended up having a good 12 hours of sleep.

~ 15 minute morning sit
Some counting to start with, then more mind content being seen and worked through. Disgust stage for sure last couple days. Gained some minor insight into a series of memories from a few years ago. Then bigger insights into an early life experience.

~ 15 minute mid day sit
More old stuff being investigated.

~ 15 minute afternoon sit
Tried to get concentration going but strong sensations were distracting. Investigated sensations instead and eventually began feeling into some strong disgust type sensations, shaking and flayling my arms like a madman.

~30 minute evening sit - anapana
Counted for a good 20+ minutes, was able to get some good concentration going. Some fear and frustration appeared so sat with that for a while until I decided to end the sit. Nice to get some concentration going for a change.

~ 25 minute morning sit
Odd sit. My cat kept distracting me to begin with so that threw me off a bit. Never really got going with either concentration or insight, but noticed a couple small things. Some insight around wanting meditation to be a certain way. Maybe it doesn't have to be comfortable? I'm not really afraid to get uncomfortable with meditation but I think I'm setting myself up for more suffering by wanting it more. Also some insights around family.

Mind felt kind of all over the place, there's this subtle intensity about it and it kind of feels like I'm on the verge of something, so going to try and sit a bit more today.

~ 15 minute continued morning sit
So I think I had what's described as a rapture. Had an incling that I was on the verge of something already last night and now it happened. Cool, first one. Seems it was just all about going into sensate experience fully.

~40 minute evening lying meditation
Anapana for about 40 minutes. Very good concentration, not much distracion. Noted subtle hints of fear or hypervigilance and hightened heartrate. Asked where this was from and some dark energy shot up through my body and the tension sort of released.

~20 minute morning meditation
10 minute counting, then some fear came up. Labeling helped take a lot of the energy out of it, but more investigation is needed.

2x15 minutes mid day sits
More investigation into the fear from previous sit. Eventually gained insight into it.

~20 minute evening sit
Was pretty tired. Hard time focusing. Not much of note.

Morning spent investigating feelings and inquiring beliefs around them. 15 minute sit with just investigating, mind very agitated. More emotional purging during the day.

Also increased my medication yesterday. Hopefully it won't unsettle me too much but I expect the next few days will be somewhat unsettling.

~20 minute evening sit
Very interesting sit. Descent anapana concentration for 10-15 minutes. Then at the end I just started focusing on the top of my head and ears and I feel like something sort of released. I've sort of been unconciously surpressing my hearing due to some auditory hallucinations I had for a good while when I had my awakening, and now I just went full attention on hearing for a couple seconds and this anxious energy that has been causing a lot of suffering for a long time seems to have just released up above my head. It's like this previously fragmented 360° ball around me is now back together again.

Maan I'm so happy I'm crying, what a relief

~20 minute evening sit #2
Just enjoying concentration. My body/mind feels whole again, and concentration is so much better and more enjoyable. End of sit a memory popped up with some insight.

~20 minute morning sit
Good concentration morning sit for a change. Previous morning sits have usually been very restless and agitated. Today I was able to get pretty good concentration going from the start. 10 minutes of good concentration. Body felt partly almost detached from my mind and was subtly trembly. Then investigated some memories that came up. Anger, shame, disgust, fear, self hatred and some laughing at the silliness of how it's affecting me still today. Good sit.

~30 minute mid day sit
Trying to get the hang of 3rd jhana concentration. It really is like sitting in the middle of a donut, but the donut itself is made of almost no solidity, so it's like I have to just hold it very gently and broadly with my attention. Took me a good 30 minutes and I was feeling I was on the verge of 4th, the space was sort of filling with something but something in me was scared of letting go more. Will have to investigate more later.

Pointers very welcome

Being with the third like that is great practice. Don't try to rush out of it. Give it time. Let it do it's off kilter thing. 

Thanks, will try to apply.

~20 minute mid day sit #2
Continuing 3rd jhana practice. Was able to get a bit more concentrated now by relaxing into it more. Still though a bit jittery and nervous. Sensations of being huge came up, but not like they usually do, rather they came up, and dissolved a few rounds, moved around a lot, then just dissapated. Usually when I have these they just stay for a good while and then goes away. Then there was this trying to cling to something, something solid, anything, and also this realization that there was nothing to cling to, which was helping me let go. General sense of bodily dysphoria.

Who or what knows that there is fear of letting go? What happens if you continually and consistently try to find what observes the fear for a while?

Will try it my next sit, thanks.

There can be a stillness to third. First is quite exciting, and in second you have a welling-up but, in third, that stops, and you can be just soaking in the sukha, with no movement and no intentionality. The transition to this stillness in third can have aspects of surrender, but also of being safe at home with nothing that needs to be done.  

Interesting, thank you.

Couple morning sits á 15 min.
Felt this nervous giddyness waking up this morning. Spent some time trying to investigate, guess it's more rapture. Feels unpleasant though as it feels pretty unstable, on the other hand my mood was noticably better than normal mornings so that's something. Not able to get any concentration going. Guess the medication increase is starting to give effect.

10 and 30 minute mid day/afternoon sits
Had a 10 minute sit mid day today with just esentially feeling into emotions. Afterwards, while watching a movie, I continued to inquire into aversions after reading the thread started by Callum and came to some good insight.

30 minute sit later in the afternoon. Started with some ok concentration. After about 10 minutes I fell into this memory with fear and anxiousness. After sitting with it and gaining some insight I felt like stopping the sit, but I decided to perservere and I'm glad I did. I started concentration again and soon fell into EQ and this dark bliss. I continued concentration for a good 10 minutes and things were just evolving and opening up and became more and more blissful.

Sat some more and felt like I was dipped in a river and a sort of rapture occured. Almost overwhelming.

~20 minute morning sit
Anapana 10 minutes, bit restless to start, then open, spaceous, some slight rapture in my belly. Very nice. Then a memory needed some attention so inquired and investigated it for the rest.

~15 minute afternoon sit
Tried getting anapana going. Went so-so. Ok, for maybe 5-10 minutes, mind was preoccupied with memories and felt generally pretty unruly through the entire sit. Investigated and inquired. Then a friend came to mind and I just went "send her love", and it felt like this big energy bubble from my heart just blew open. Encompassed my entire body. Tried remembering the metta stuff but couldn't really. Still pleasant. Might have to try to remember it and make it into practice.

~15 minute evening sit
Just sitting with sensations and emotions. Feeling into, surrendering, melting.

Really noticing how disgust is a sticking point for me. I get either dissosiative or flighty rather than sitting and investigating/inquiring. Now that I just sat with it for a while I could notice there's some depth and wisdom to it.

Yeah, the nice thing about disgust is that it can have a core of appropriate outrage/self-protection.

Obviously a lot of human disgust is people going around and being nasty to each other ("I'm not the problem, you're the problem!" "My side is right, your side is wrong.") but when the raw emotionality gets turn down, then there is a more humane kind of disgust which is more like "life is so hard and even when we try our best, we still make mistakes and there is no way around it...". It's a kind of a world-weary, back to basics, kind of disgust. 

And it feels good to have appropriate disgust... it's mildly inspiring to see the limits of things... which is why it leads to renewed sense of hope and planning and "solve my life" thinking in the next stage of Desire for Deliverance... 

Appropriate outrage is a good word for it. I felt this sort of giving up/great relief/rest after going through it last night.

~20 minute morning meditation
Anapana. Noticed breath was much calmer than normal. Usually very shallow and faster, but now it was deep and calm. Mind wasn't necessarily that calm, but concentration was easier than usual. Probably due to yesterdays investigation into disgust. A lot of muscle twitching. Slight rapturous feelings towards the end.

~20 minute afternoon meditation
Some anapana, but mostly invastigating/inquiring into more disgust.

~20 minute evening meditation
Anapana, good steady concentration. Not much of note.

~20 minute morning meditation
Anapana. Bit restless, memories needed attention. Realizations into not-enoughness, very liberating.

2x15 minute mid day meditations
More investigation into memories popping up. Restless mind. Descent concentration but mostly investigation.

Been thinking a bit on sit length. What do you guys think gives most benefit? I tend to do several short sits during the day, but maybe fewer longer sits are generally more beneficial? What are peoples experiences?

I had a few general rules...

Sit for an hour (for me, I only felt like I was reaching my cutting edge after about 45 minutes of sitting and then the next 10 minutes where where the new changed happened. Some people can do it in 30 minute, but that was too short for me.)

Sit every day and definitely don't miss two days in a row. 

If I'm sleepy and nod off, keep sitting. But if I nod off three times, quit and go to sleep.

If I'm really being retraumatized by something, experiencing it but not really with a strong enough mind, then I can quit. No sense banging my head against the wall if the wall isn't getting any softer.

Interesting, ok.

And what do you mean by cutting edge and change here? New territory/insight?

I'm asking because I'm not really sure what to aim for with my sits. I obviously gain insight and concentration but I'm wondering if I could be doing more/get more out of it somehow.

~30 minute evening sit
Body/mind felt strong and stable. There were restlessness in the mind but sort of the base of it all felt really strong and stable. A lot was happening in mind and it felt like it went by really fast. At the end when I had gained insight and released what was there things felt just big and open.

Yeah, this stuff is hard to talk about since it is so personal. A good metaphor would be like talking about what makes a good workout when you go to the gym? Well, you want to be challenged, but not overly worn out, and definitely not injured. You want it to be hard, but sustainable. And you want to feel like you are stronger as you go through your day outside of the gym.

Sort of the same thing with meditation. You want to go >into< the dukka sensations that bubble up, but you don't want to just abuse yourself or retraumatize yourself. You want to have insights into the way that the mind unnecessarily creates suffering when it gets to clingy or judgey or does too much comparison with others.... and you want to have insights into the way that accepting and being intimate with what arises creates a kind of purification and release. And you want to feel like you are more mentally resilient when normal life shit happens outside of the meditation.

Really only you can decide how much is enough and if what you are doing is working. In general, it's good to reflect on how the past ~two weeks have been going every ~week or so. You don't want to second guess yourself all the time, but you also don't want to just get in a unthinking rut. But you should feel like you're learning new stuff every couple weeks, for sure. If not, definitely ask questions!

When I used to work with a teacher, I would meet every two weeks. This would give me long enough to really try to work on practice, but was also frequent enough that I wouldn't wallow in my mistakes for too long. 

I know this is general, but I hope the basic ideas are helpful.

 

Yeah for sure, that helps, thank you. I think I'm on a good track then. Still learning and having new insight and experiences and I'm definitely on that edge of challenging myself without overdoing it.

I haven't really been able to properly meditate since my awakening until now that I'm getting my medication right (previous medication I think did more damage than good), so it feels good to finally be able to explore this new territory properly. I was never really outside 1st Jhana before my awakening, and didn't really have any ambition to either. It was more of a chore than anything. Now I'm actually looking forward to it.

Again thanks shargrol, your feedback is invaluable.

~20 minute morning sit
Focused mostly on sensation and mind stuff. Old repressed memories unlocked and insight into them. Also some insight into family stuff, and I could feel my heart open up. Weirdly though it opens out to the left, again left side open type stuff. It's so frustrating!! Why is it like this? What's wrong with me? It makes feeling and emotion so odd and just difficult. Entirely off kilter. Like a curse.

At the end I could also note the craving for the sit to end. Nice to catch it before it runs me. But then paradoxically, when I get back to doing stuff, I crave getting back to meditation. Suppose it's just an aversion to whatever is atm.

~20 minute mid day sit
Just feeling into sensations. Some fear to begin with, then despair, giving up, hopelessness, tiredness, then some slight rapture and more fear.

Ended up just lying in bed a good period after the sit, feeling into the sort of depressive sensations. Felt restful and ended up bottoming out in some insight.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Planned to do a longer sit, but ended up not. I think going in with the mindset of a longer sit helped prime me for not wanting to give up so soon, so ended up giving me better internal focus.

Made a lot of good insight. Sat mostly with mind content, inquiring into memories.

~20 minute evening sit
Not much of note. Thick restless energy bubbling up and eventually settling, letting it do its thing.

Feelings from mid day sit has persisted entire day, general sense of darkness and dark emotions, tiredness, giving up, meaninglessness. Actually feels pretty nice and chill, not the typical anxiousness with it.

~20 minute morning/mid day sit
Started out focusing on sensations. Strong sensations of fear or surprise has been shooting up my left side so decided to investigate. Soon some memories from a previous romantic relationship came up. It was a short but very intense relationship and it was also abusive so I think my mind has sort of blocked of a lot of it; it's not usual for memories from it to pop up like that. Anyways, I made some good insights and decided to end the sit with that.

~15 minute afternoon sit
More of the same, a bit more steady concentration this time. Also more bliss and openness after the release of the previous sit. Noticed that I have a real fear about settling down. As if something bad will happen if I completely relax and let my guard down. But at least I'm able to let my guard down now as opposed to before where I wasn't even aware of the sort of dichotomy.

~35 minute evening sit
Started off good. Good concentration, anapana with some investigation. Got into a good concentrated open space and started slowly noting whatever was there. Boredom, wanting to quit, pain in my butt where I was sitting... Then this hard mind edge/pressure I was having a hard time finding a word for. Sat with it for a while and eventually recognized it as "fear of what's next". Then the whole sort of focused space collapsed and fell apart in a big stretch and a sigh. Sat for another 5 minutes and decided to end the sit.

Quote from /r/streamentry that I felt hit hard:


Perhaps a bit simplified but I find it definitely rings true in many cases.

2x 10 minute morning meditations
Felt really spaced out waking up today after having some really wild dreams. Took my vitamins and minerals on an empty stomach this morning and that was a misstake. Started getting really nauseous halfway through so went to eat and drink something. Even though the sit was short and distracted, I made some really good unexpected insight.

~30 minute evening meditation
Spent most of it just focusing on sensations. Usually when I feel spaced out like this I have a hard time sitting for longer but this sit I realized "I can sit with this for a while" and this large ball of energy just dissapated out in front of me. Focused on some energy on my left side. So fed up trying to figure that out, yet here I am. Anyways something seems to release at the end of the sit so at least something's happening.

~15 minute morning meditation
Made some insight into a fear aversion prior to the sit so when I started the sit it went pretty good. I decided mid sit to instead of just being aware of the breath I would note “rising” and “falling” of the breath. Almost instantly I got very concentrated and I experienced a calm that just made my head fall and whole body just sink together. It was like I was drunk on concentration. It wasn’t necessarily that blissful, just very very calm and nice. I think it was due to a combination of the pre meditation insight and the new noting of the breath.

Been feeling lethargic lately, probably due to medication increase. Increase has actually been less unsettling than I would have thought, been able to meditate very well and have gotten into a good routine with it. Been averaging 1h20m/day last two weeks according to my insight timer (pats on back). Would like to do fewer but longer sits in the future but seeing as I haven't had a routine at all last few years I think I'm doing pretty good.

~10 minute morning sit
Investigated some memories. Same memories came up yesterday evening. Made some insight but sitting was too triggering so quit early.

~20 minute afternoon sit
After making some insight into previous sits memories during the day I decided to have a new sit as I wasn’t as triggered. Went well, 5 minutes of settling and anapana, and then some other memories popped up from an old black hole. Made some good insight.

~20 minute evening sit
Focusing mostly broadly on sensations. Some memories popping up and a lot of energy moving around in connection to them. Felt focused, very dark space, yet at times also blissful.

~20 minute evening sit #2
Just sitting with whatever arises. Made some what I feel are real important insights into past.

Woke up this morning with heavy pressure pain around my pelvis. Left side stuff. Had to really feel into it to get it to release. Sadness/despair type feelings.

~10 minute morning sit
Sit was both restless and blissful. Big open space in torso. Cut it short due to being triggered, continued investigating while distracted with other stuff, which is easier sometimes, rather than just facing it straight on.

Been feeling this intensity after the left side stuff this morning. Not sure if it’s kundalini or just medication acting up but it has my eyes bulging and my jaw clenched.

Bit of family turmoil had me in despair for a couple hours. Despair like I haven't felt in a while. Usually when things of this sort happens I tend to freak out, but now I was more calm and hopeless, which in itself is HOPEFUL because it's a lot better than freaking out.

Tried to have a longer sit earlier but felt too depressed. Just layed in bed trying to be present.

Sorry if it's a bit all over the place, I try to write down stuff throughout the day.

Squeezed in a late night 30 minute sit to get some concentration going today. Felt more distracted in thought than usual, but eventually got going. Very wide and dark feeling. Tried to focus as wide as I possibly could and everything just opened up like fawning a book open. Not much more of note than that. Glad i sat though.

Today marks 21 days of sitting in a row. 3 weeks! Things are settling more and more and I feel insight is getting progressively deeper and easier to see.

~10 minute morning sit
Sat focusing on breath for the most part. Some memories and worry/fear. Ok concentration. Calmer than normal morning sits. Good first of the day sit.

~10 minute mid day sit
Some good insight, making some connections between memories I hadn’t seen before.

~20 minute mid day sit
More memories and connections being made. Trying to note things as seeing and meditation related stuff. Also noticing this restless energy wanting the sit to be over, more and more in my sits. Strong aversion to being uncomfortable.

~10 minute evening sit
More past emotional insight. Core wound family stuff, that tend to very much affect me in the prestent, ie. very important realization. Taking some time after to integrate it more.

~20 minute late evening sit
Just a great sit. Felt like 10 minutes. Concentrated, slight investigation and noting/noticing. Trying to just get intimate with experience, and trying to notice how I manipulate experience; aversion, seeking etc.. Clear 4th Jhana, slightly blissful.

Been dealing with re-obs all day. Just like a compound feeling of stress, panic and agitation. Like a constant tension shooting up my back, shoulders and jaw. Tried investigating and inquiring, lots of different memories coming up and bringing some insight and relief but it’s not going entirely. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tried relaxing into it more and there was a lot of sadness and despair underneath. Guess that was the key. Just relaxing. I was expecting something more clear ideal type thoughts and imagery to appear, but guess not.

Had a couple sits, trying to get the hang of the Mahasi noting. Noticing more and more that I do small movements to adjust my posture etc. and I catch myself not noting it after the fact. Realizing this will require some practice.

19-01-2024
Didn’t write anything down throughout the day. Was having a lot of fear coming up, and dealt with that.
Had some short sits throughout the day though. Good 30m sit in the evening, good concentration, and went into some memories and gained insight.

20-01-2024
~20 minute morning sit
Started off anxious. More fear nana stuff. Hard time concentrating. Went with what was arising and tried staying with the sensations. Anxiousness eventually peaked and subsided a bit and concentration eventually went easier.

~20 minute morning sit #2
Better concentration this time. Hindrances like small fears coming up being investigated, inquired and noted. Like peeling the layers an onion. Nice peacful, restful sit for the most part.

~15 minutes sitting with shit & ~15 minutes laying meditation
Just sat with the fear sensations. Eventually did fully feel into it and it subsided.

Went to lay down to meditate. Some sexual imagery came up. I rarely have imagery other than memories come up, I believe due to fear and low level hypervigilance, so I assume it’s due to the fear subsiding. Tried mostly to focus on sensation, but they disappeared as soon as the imagery went, which was interesting to see, impermanence. I probably indulged a bit too much but it was nice to just indulge for a bit and investigate sensations and imagery.
I also don’t have much sex drive due to medication so it’s nice for it to happen.

Something else that came up was confidence and will to practice. From reading around I’ve gathered that most people err on the side of caution regarding practice, so I feel I could probably push it more than I have.

More fear stuff all afternoon. Then after integrating a lot of older fear stuff I seem to have landed in misery. And it’s actually a relief. The integration seems to have done something to my over active left side stuff, like it’s actually peaceful for once. And a lot of what I can only refer to as bubbles of overwhelm in my body have also gone. Even though I’m in misery I feel pretty content and relieved right now, so much so I'm actually crying.

I noticed a lot of neck tension has also released, I cracked my neck just after and I feel like a new man.

~35 minute morning sit
After the integration yesterday I feel like I had a really hard time getting concentrated this morning. Some old mind content coming up and being seen, but I also had pretty good focus on breath, noting rising, falling, noting mind content too... Yet no groove, not in the pocket, no bliss. A bit disappointed. Maybe I just have to get used to the new stuff. There was a lot of low level stress (disgust nana stuff), much more subtle than usual, yet more pervasive. Yeah, I think I have new stuff to learn to navigate, or just maybe just let it do its thing. It’s good though. My body/mind feels more whole than ever. Feeling more “normal”.

This is all good stuff. Yeah, it's a balance between "learning to navigate" and "letting it do it's thing". Basically, your goal is to have a high enough level of awareness that you can allow experience to do its thing, while having the ability to be mindful of it as it's occuring. So navigating is kinda like surfing it, you try to stay on top of the big wave but let the wave do it's thing. Don't try to change the wave. 

* Misery can be soft and comforting (in a sad way)
* Disgust can be sharp and motivating (but in an angry-ish way)
* Desire for deliverance is sometimes a moment of big hopes/optimism about "finally getting through it" and "finally fixing it" and lots of strategies/theories for how to navigate...

* But reobservation is always there to re-trigger us and blow up our plans/progress and make us feel like we don't know what we're doing...
**And ironically, when we just keep sitting and kind of give up... this acceptance leads to early EQ.

It's important to take the long view. These cycles of purification really do make a difference. We are getting healthier and more sane. We can handle a lot more stuff than we could in the past. The practice is working. And it's going to take multiple rounds of dark night to reobs to EQ to learn what we need to learn. 

All the times we don't practice well are clues to our deeper problems, so it's actually a good thing when things blow up a little, because it shows how we're trying to avoid stuff or we're greedy for "ideal" experiences or we're just kind of indifferent with what is happening. Problems are all clues about underlying aversion, greed, and indifference.

The most interesting thing is that developing a kind of respectful intimacy with whatever arises is the practice and the path and the result. The more we can just be with how things already are, the less resistance and suffering we experience, and the more we learn and the better we can adapt. In meditation practice, we don't really need to "fix" anything in the current moment, we just need to experience it and gather the raw data of sensations, emotions, and categories of thought... and trust that our natural, non-verbal intelligence will learn what it needs to learn. It really is a miraculous process, but unfortunately it's not one that we can control. (This frustrates our sense of self that wants to control and understand and "get things done".)

But how amazing that there is a way to clean up our life while doing in a safe space outside of our normal life!

A lot of the time, we simply need to notice how some sensations and emotions and categories of thought are confused (fused-with) old difficult memories. So we instinctually kind of avoid really feeling those sensations and emotions and thinking those categories of thought because they seem "bad" or overwhelming. But when we can finally just have the full experience of the sensations, emotions, and thoughts we feel such relief because "they just are what they are" and when we realize that we also viscerally realize "the past is just the past". (Of course it isn't easy to get there sometimes!)

So hopefully keep your gentle and consistent practice. When desire for deliverance or reobservation happens, just notice how sometimes we have big hopes and plans and other times we feel like nothing works and everythings a failure --- but those are just more sensations, emotions, and categories of thought. No need to be heroic just continue with a gentle and consistent practice and do the best you can. 

Also remember the curse of the meditator: "suffering less but noticing it more".   Sometimes the meditator feels like they are in a worse place, but all their friends and family see a person getting healthier and happier. So be gentle with yourself, too.

Thanks shargrol. Your input and feedback is appreciated as always.

~20 minute morning sit #2
Slightly better concentration, though mind and body felt tense.

~30 minute mid day sit
Much better concentration. Was better able to calm the mind and investigate different tensions. Felt like a lot of big bubbles around my body popped throughout as concentration got better and better. Not that I haven't experienced that before but it was much more pronounced this time around.
Was in misery nana and eventually asked “what if this state lasted forever?”, and realized, "yeah this isn't too bad" and it was like it open outwards to my sides like an oval balloon, turned from black and deep to white and hard and just cracked in the middle and fell to the sides. Then it came back while the stuff at the sides was still there. I asked again and nothing happened, guess I couldn’t fool it twice, damn. Some chest tension needed investigation aswell and it opened up stuff even more.