I have been meditating an average of an hour and a half every day for the past eighteen months.  I joined the Waking Up app, then after some progress I decided to make it a priority in my life.  I was recommended The Mind Illuminated and have listened to The Science of Enlightenment. 

I made some progress.  My life gradually started changing in real ways and felt like I was getting it.  I noticed that life was my meditation, and I stopped doing most of the things I had relied on for entertainment.  I felt equanimity and contentment - it was as though I no longer had bad days.  I didn't view going to work as unpleasant, regardless of the task, and I didn't get excited about the weekend... I felt impartial.  I also LOVED waiting for things - it was great having these impromptu sits in doctors offices, restaurants and barber shops.  

I had a brief but frightening health issue that has resulted in me changing my diet and lifestyle, which was formerly fairly physically active.  After a few months I feel like I have adapted to the changes, but yet I feel like I lost something - as though my meditation practice took a nosedive.  Now when I sit I feel frustrated that I can't focus as well - I remember how my practice was, and I feel wrapped up in comparison to previous experiences, and judgmental and fearful I won't be able to regain that which I had learned.  Just before writing this I had a 45 minute sit where I was lost in thought 80% of the time, felt it difficult to note, and ended it feeling lost and slightly saddened. 

I have looked for a teacher, but there don't seem to be any near me.  I was wondering if anyone had any insights they could share or books or techniques they could recommend.  It seems that even as I try to make this the focus of my life, I am struggling and feel that I am in need of fresh inspiration.  I am going to continue on this path for certain, and am not afraid of 'paying my dues', but I am feeling discouraged and would value any feedback you may have.

Please check out the MIDL system of practice.

midlmeditation.com
r/midlmeditation on reddit.

You can also join Stephen Procter's online classes to get a feel for the system. Ask him questions on reddit.

​​​​​​​I highly recommend him as a gifted teacher and a wonderful human being.

Sounds like you have some beliefs about how sitting "should" go, but meditation is much more about your relationship with what shows up during a sit, rather than how the sit goes. It's okay to get lost 1000 times during a sit if you come back from thought 1001 times. It's okay for it to be difficult to note, if you continue to note even that. And it's okay to feel lost and sad, if you feel lost and sad (and note it).

No matter how much people want it to be otherwise, meditation isn't about directly changing/manipulating your experience. Meditation isn't about denying your current reality or making it different than it is. It's about seeing things clearly and objectively and eventually in it's proper proportion.

The direct and honest expereince of living initimately with what shows up during the meditation --- that's what slowly transforms us.  We don't need to develop clever strategies to to change/alter what is showing up. We need to carve out part of the day to actually sit and experience what shows up, without manipulation or control. 

And after meditation practice is over, it's okay to think about the thoughts and feelings that showed up and consider what it all means. What kind of thoughts seem to recur? What are these thoughts suggesting you change in your life? Are these thoughts accurate or exaggerated? What kind of emotions seem to recur? What does it feel like to actually feel these feelings? Do these emotions remind you of other times when you felt this way? What are these emotions suggesting you change in your life? Are these emotions accurate or exaggerated?

The trick is to keep meditation separate from psychological analysis/life planning and psychological analysis/life planning separate from meditation. Meditation gives you the raw data/information and you need to focus on really experiencing what you are experiencing during meditaiton -- it's that simple. We need time to simply experience what the mind does, the mind leads the way. We don't need to change it, but we do need to experience it... and then interestingly the natural intelligence of the mind transforms us over time.

Psychological analysis and life planning is a normal part of adult life and it's good to spend some time doing it, without denying it or indulging/obessing about it. 

There are a lot of resources for thoughts and emotions... but it sort of matters what is showing up for you. That said, 99% of the time the answer is to simply experience and note what happens during a sit. Both thoughts and emotions want to be experienced, when they are fully experienced they have done their task.

​​​​​​​Hope this helps in some way.

Seems your concentration is to week. Use a kasina as a warm-up, where you stare at the kasina then close your eyes and stare at the negative image as long as you can. Do this for the first half of your meditation. If in the second half you are still too distracted you can use Kenneth Folk's style  out loud noting with eyes open. First noticing body, second = vedana (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral), third = Emotions, fourth = thoughts/ images.
So a quadruplett would sound like this, with eyes open and out loud e.g : warmth - pleasant - interest - practice thought.
another example: vibrations - neutral- fear - future thought.
or: itching - unpleasant - aversion - image.
If you do it like that you won't be distracted. As soon as your concentration gets better you can switch to silent noting whatever you want.

"I also LOVED waiting for things - it was great having these impromptu sits in doctors offices, restaurants and barber shops.  "

Reminds me of my prolonged A&P phase back in 2010 I loved meditation in all situations. Was great! I even meditated during a tooth root operation. Even when the local anesthetic was fading away and I could feel the pain kicking in The dentist noticed my facial expression changing so she asked "can you feel the pain?!" I said yes She said "please say something as I'm cutting into your jaw bone now!!!"  

Anyway, as others mentioned these stages change as we "progress". Dissolution is a next stage. Fear. Misery and Disgust. Desire for Deliverance. Re observation. All these need to be seen for what they are. 

one can chance into Equanimity for a bit but if these DN stages have t been seen one will slide back into DN until the thing was seen for what it is. 

All this is for pre SE practice.

In my experience it helped to practice with open eyes fixed on a small object 1.5-2 meters away and note aloud as though by Kenneth Folk. 

Use the voice in case stuff is difficult or utterly unpleasant. Basically speak out loud notes even if needing to cry while doing it. Note the crying sensations too. You do this only during the sit 45-60 minutes. After such a sit give yourself a "well done" slap on your shoulder. 

Btw this is what helped me and might be too much for some. Shargrol suggested a milder way to go about this rather than plowing through it the way I did it. People get burned out if they push too hard. Don't be a hero. Be smart. 

I will post a video demoing my sorry little ars doing this sort of meditation with eyes gently focused on a object (for concentration) while at the same time noting aloud. 

Here is the video demo 
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https://youtu.be/9FeajWRJcXA?si=qla0eTItX1ADLl96

I like your descriptions of equanimity and of mediation in life. It can be so great to be asked to wait! 

You say that your sits have taken a turn for the worse and though you don't specifically mention what has happened to your equanimity, it sounds like both the quality of your sits and your equanimity are down. As a guess, and I could be totally off base, it sounds like your equanimity was at least partially the result of really good concentration. I find that concentration fluctuates on both long and short time scales and so equanimity that comes from concentration also fluctuates. It can seem a bit like the weather. Also, as concentration is easier from a starting point of equanimity, there can be a virtuous cycle. So your concentration may be down because your equiminity is down AND your equanimity may be down because your concentration is down.

But equanimity can also come from insight, and equanimity that comes from insight tends to stick. It is much less prone to fluctuation. It's knowledge, like knowing how to drive or how to do math so it is basically permanent. That means that, if you have more insight-based equanimity, you can have a baseline from which a return to concentration can be easier. 

If that makes sense to you (if it fits) then perhaps there could be some benefit in adjusting your practice balance to include more insight work or a new avenue of insight work (for example, insight into emptiness, such as described in Seeing That Frees by Rob Burbea). 

If it doesn't fit, just disregard it. 

You might also want to say more about what goes on in your sits so people can get a better idea of what might be going on. 

There is a lot of agreement that is a standard pattern. It is also worth mentioning that it is one among various standard patterns of medication progress and not all of these include a dark night. I personally wish that I had known earlier that not everyone has the same set of experiences. 

Indeed. Just to add; 

When my lovely "whole body Shamatha" meditation got ugly I knew nothing about DN or noting or Ingram. 
I just struggled to understand why after 3 years of being a very good meditator I now couldn't mediate anymore nor concentrate nor feel good?!! I did not invite DN or the Insight stages. They just happened. Thanks to a friend who pointed me to Ingrams book did I get some clarity on what was going on. 

Methods are methods. What happens in our experience, no matter the mediation method, is what counts. That's what's unfolding and we work with it. 

might not be want we desired or planed or aspired for but that's the only thing served so we deal with that. 

But yes, not all folks get the typical DN ugliness nor the insight stages unfolding in a linear way. I'm no expert that's for sure.  

Oh man, I'm going through this right now myself, so I really sympathize and have some tips that might be helpful:

1. Ajahn Geoff talks about this issue. (Unfortunately I don't remember in which recordings.) He recommends thinking about how good your meditation used to be as if it's moldy. It's old, gone. Think only about now. He also points out that you don't learn as much during your good meditation sessions as in your bad ones. So take this opportunity to learn about your defilements and your mind. There are so many techniques you can try depending on what's going on. It might help to "make your mind like earth," i.e. let it become indifferent and unmoved by any thought that's thrown on it. He also mentions that when, for instance, anxiety is really high, your body has been hijacked, and the best thing to do is to make the breath as comfortable as possible and feel it throughout the body.

2. In Arahattamagga, Ajahn Maha Boowa (who was reputed to be an arahant) says that when he went through the exact same thing, he decided to stick to a mantra (which for him was "Buddho") no matter what, to really solidify his focus.

3. For me, personally, it helped to get back to the very basics. I mean not even meditation, but rereading some stuff that had motivated me to meditate in the first place. It helped put my mind into a calmer headspace.

Hi, these are the tools I use on cushion:

1.  Ask yourself, aloud if needed: "What will be my next thought?"
2.  Dive into the sensoriality of the endings of visual/aural/physical phenomena, flow with it and rest when things get open/still. Feel the pushing/pulling prior to the arising of phenomena
3.  Keep your gaze open 180º degrees (off cushion too, in particular walking down the street or at the park)
4.  As a last resource tool, in-breath only 90% of the usual Oxygen intake, after a few cycles the body notes something odd about it and orders the mind to focus on the breath. This has a learning curve

Hope this give you some ideas to try out!

The only thing that matters is that you return to being present. All the rest is just tricks to foil the process of noticing that one thing - tricks to get lost in and avoid being present, in the right now. Just keep coming back, again and again, and again. 

I attended a meditation session online and read over his stuff and you are right... truly a remarkable person.  Seems like I don't have to worry about finding an accessible teacher anymore.  Thank you so much!  

Thank you for the advice.  Compartmentalizing self-analysis and sitting seems like wise advice I have never considered.  

That is good advice.  And the irony of "wanting" to learn the tricks to no longer "want" hasn't escaped me either.  I appreciate your insight.

I find that my diet has a very large effect on my practice, so my first thought is that it might be due to the changes in diet.

Also the mood I start out in affects meditation too, so if you health situation is giving you stress or making you unhappy that could have an effect too. Stress and fatigue are among the biggest obstacles to concentration.

You might have unresolved emotions related to your health situation - thoughts and emotions that are just about to bubble up from the unconscious often cause difficulty concentrating and difficulty in sitting for a full session.

For recommended techniques I suggest this:
https://ncu9nc.blogspot.com/2020/08/preparing-for-meditation-with.html

If you have difficulty sitting, you could try walking meditation or mindfulness in daily life.
https://ncu9nc.blogspot.com/2023/07/practicing-mindfulness-in-daily-life.html

I didn't know this at all... I thought it would never leave, this refreshing new take on life.  I will explore insight.  Thank you for teaching me there is a difference. 


Technique wise, I start off with The Mind Illuminated methods for a few weeks until I feel frustrated that I'm bad at concentration, return to the and Sam Harris and Shinzen Young stuff.  I feel most comfortable using the bodily energy as my object of meditation, but keep reading about how in order to develop concentration, you have to focus on the breath.  I'm sure this all sounds rather wishy washy and ignorant, but I have really been in the dark for a long while, and sitting more hasn't made any of it better.  I think a thought, then I beat myself up for thinking it with more thoughts.  The thoughts have grown stickier somehow, and I seem to be more judgmental of myself for having them.  My mindfulness also pales in comparison to what it was.  

It may also be significant that I was attending Yoga class twice a week prior to the medical issue, which correlated with the dropoff in attention/mindfulness/equanimity.  

Lately I have been annoyed that mind wandering is so pervasive.  I feel like all the progress I made went away and now my life is back to being attachment oriented.  As you suspected, equinimity waned - though thankfully not entirely.  I just notice feeling relived the work week had ended last Friday, and feeling a bit blue on Sunday night before work.  For a time, that totally went away, and I thought that would never end.

But as others have said, things wax and wane, and paying attention to what correlates with these fluxuations can be very valuable.  

I am grateful for all of the kindness everyone here has shown.  I am truly moved by the compassion.

Well...

'trick' nº 1 is Kenneth Folk's tool to bring you back to being present
'trick' nº 2 is Shinzen Young's GONE noting
'trick' nº 3 is Meido Moore's (Rinzai Zen) tool to keep you being present
'trick' nº 4 is Taoist's and Advaita's method to deepen the concentration

So, saying that's just tricks, you are insulting those teachers and traditions

At times none of the suggested methods/tools to improve the concentration, will help. As stuff is impermanent this can be expected. 

So what to do in such times? 

One can try to look at the mind-experience from two different vantage points; 

1. One can think of it in terms of the 6 Realms and ask oneself "where is this mind-experience now?". It's not in the God Realm as I'm struggling to get concentrated and experience joy/rapture/bliss/equanimity, which gods/devas have readily available. 

So where am I? Oh maybe it's the Hungry Ghost Realm? Observing bodily sensation in the mouth, throat, belly reveals the sensations of hunger, not feeling full, need to fill up, need to bite into something, swallow it. Hands are slightly stiff and even the legs, being ready to grab on the pray/concentration and keep it to consume it. 

2. one could look at this mind-experience through Tonglen. Is this struggle only happening to me or do other beings also suffer from it? Oh, of course, countless beings suffer from it! 
"If there are beings around struggling with attaining concentration and feeling hopeless because of it, may their experience come to me, may I experience it in their stead without resistance, so they can feel at ease, and this way see their true nature and awaken."
Then imagine how the struggle and agony and helpless experience gets out of them into you and you see their faces being at east with a gentle smile. You now feel their experience of suffering without resisting it for their sake. You images them at ease again and then back and forth you experience their experience of suffering. Until you think it's enough. May all beings be free from suffering. May all awaken. May all be happy. 
Best is to always choose the experience that's actually happening to you rather than just generally sucking up suffering of others. 

This might be of benefit to some and not to others. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

Well then, I suppose I've insulted them, Pepe. Shame on me! 

The advice that everyone has given here is excellent. For some reason, this has turned into an unusually good collection of hints and pointers. Several of the other people who have commented are teachers but I'm not, so keep that in mind. 

From what you describe, it seems like you are in a good spot. You have had good results so far without a very strongly structured practice or retreats, which could indicate that you have a natural inclination towards this stuff. I had completely forgotten about this, but about ten years ago I asked a very senior teacher about why my sits, which had once been really interesting, had become so boring. He told me that my success to date had been beginner's luck and to keep on investigating boredom. I didn't really like the advice at the time but it was spot on. The only thing I wish he would have added is that it is very much worth keeping going because the results of doing so can be so wonderful that the early stuff pales in comparison. 

I will state the obvious and mention that there is no need to beat yourself up for what the mind does. The mind is a part of nature, doing natural things and you are just noticing more of it. What you are doing is insight. 

Although I have not worked with Stephen Procter as a teacher, I think he is excellent, so it is great to hear that you may keep going with him. There are also vast troves of teachings and techniques which are waiting to be explored when you are ready to do so. 

Keep going. 

What a wonderful way of looking at it... your insights help take away the sting all this 'selfing' and striving and view the bigger picture.  Tremendous!

Thank you for your kindness and encouragment.   Sometimes I forget that this is just the start of a lifelong process that will continue to unfold and change.  I listened to Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind and really responded to the point that one practices because it is wise and skillful, but also impossible in that you never 'win.'  You do it because it is what is best.  You don't 'get' anything - in fact it seems the point is to lose everything.  Reading my original post I see that I've lost sight of that.  Alan Watts spoke of the Golden Goodie that nascent seekers strive for, and I feel guilty of desiring such a monument to my practice.

I will continue to investigate, and am grateful for your advice.

 Thank you!  I will explore these links and consider the dietary aspect of all of this.  I ate healthier as byproduct of attending yoga class, but will resume again soon.

And yes, my health issue did bring up impermanence fears, both regarding the stability of my practice as well as the reality of death itself.  Adversity is a teacher, though, and I value your help here.

Yes!  Stephen Proctor teaches a neat way of suggesting you get mindful and then actively encourage the mind to wander in order to see where it wants to go.  It's a whole new non-judgmental approach I am really liking.  So much better than being surprised every time lol.

I will revist GONE noting... I dabbled but didn't delve in the technique when I read Five Ways to Know Yourself.

I love doing that!  I like to do it on my bike especially.

Wow... that really works.  Thank you!

Wow, man.  Seeing your mindfulness and the strength of your attention is really inspirational.  Many thanks.  I feel like a Jedi Knight if I note a tenth as much as you

Thank you for helping me normalize this experience.  I make a habit of telling myself, "I expect to see no progress today, or perhaps ever from this sit" prior to each meditation.  Stephen Proctor has been helpful in that he teaches to begin with relearning breathing, which I am already benefitting from after only a few days.
The week before I wrote this I tried doing Isha Kriya (which involved my dabbling with mantra,) but found it at odds with my practice as a whole.  I may give mantra another try, though... in a different context.   

Thanks to all of the kindness shown to me here, I am feeling far more inspired, so I thank you... all of you.  I have felt so isolated and it's been so wonderful to finally connect with people who understand and can speak of the path with such expertise and acumen.

Glad it helped.

My practice started out with Zen (including and especially Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind), and ultimately had to put it aside because it was so deliberately unclear. I found Theravada much more direct and helpful. They make no bones about the fact that we're here to eliminate our suffering and attain enlightenment, "Golden Goodie" or no. Ajahn Geoff talks about how, until nibbana, you can't get rid of desire; that the desire for enlightenment is good and the fuel for the path. The Buddha wasn't shy about making explicit that the goal is enlightenment. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

That said, it sounds like the desire for enlightenment or just progress in meditation in general was making you feel frustrated and discouraged, but that doesn't mean you should drop the desire for progress in meditation; rather that you expand your definition of what progress looks like. Getting better at handling a distracted mind is progress.

Also, Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha are supposed to be a refuge, not yet one more thing to make yourself feel bad about. Meditation isn't just about having a perfectly clear, calm mind; it's about reducing your suffering. If your mind is not calm, try thinking of that not as interrupting your progress to enlightenment but to have compassion for yourself and realize that there are things you can do to reduce your suffering.

It sounds like you're going through a rough time. Perhaps this is needless to say, but being judgmental of yourself for having thoughts definitely isn't going to help. Can you feel compassion for yourself instead?

Sometimes I think that the usual meditation teaching has it backwards. They say that we should focus on an object and return our attention to the object if the mind wanders. I find this somewhat punitive. Instead, maybe make the object more interesting and think whatever reassuring thoughts you need to quiet the mind, and then the mind will settle down and focus on the object on its own.

I mentioned one analogy for "taking off the velcro" of thoughts, as Ajahn Geoff puts it. (I quote Ajahn Geoff a LOT, I know. I listen to his recordings a lot and I find his talks incredibly helpful.) But there are others: you can think of your mind as the screen of a window: the wind (thoughts) blow through it, but the screen is not disturbed. Alternatively, you can try to make your mind like a broken gong: if something hits it, there's no reverberation. In other words: "Just be aware of things and leave it at that. Aware it’s there. And you find you can endure a lot of things you couldn’t otherwise."

What makes you think you're bad at concentration? Have you attained jhana?

To develop concentration, you don't have to focus on the breath. If bodily energy is a better point of focus for you, then that sounds good to me. That's actually precisely what Ajahn Geoff says the breath is.

I just came across one of the recordings by Ajahn Geoff that talks about regression in meditation, if you're curious: https://www.dhammatalks.org/Archive/y2009/091003%20Ups%20&%20Downs.mp3

I am learning to use downturns like this as means to explore needed areas of growth.  Through this experience, I hope to learn how to befriend my mind... care for it through positive reinforcement. 

Stephen Proctor has a neat solution to self critisism for mind wandering.  As per MIDL, I am currently working on establishing my mindfulness, then telling the mind, "OK, I'm settled now.  You go do whatever you like... I will just stay here and watch."  Then there's no letdown when the mind presents it's little show, and I expect rather than fear it, meaning I don't get swept up as easily.  It's actually become a lot more interesting rather than a source of frustration.   

No jhana.  Just glimpses of what is possible further along the path that I greedily chased.  I got sick, I got scared, and my concentration collapsed because it was based on impermanent conditions rather than insights.  
​​​​​​​
Thanks, I will definately check it out. 

I've often considered that all senses are essentially different modalities of touch at the end of the day.  Thanks for the encouragment!   

I just wanted to say a big heartfelt thank you to everyone who posted in this thread.  On my spiritual journey, I've often felt alone and isolated in the environment I find myself in, and while it hasn't been miserable, it has at times felt uncertain.   

I came here discouraged and mentally wounded, and have found a renewed perspective through your kind advice.  This glorious explosion of digital karuna has been beautiful to behold.   

I will continue on the path ahead, and will always remember the help I recieved from you kind souls.  Than you for being generous with your time, and I wanted you all to know how transformative this thread has been.   

Got it. Tbh, jhana was a game-changer for me. Meditation was an extremely difficult chore before, and an absolute delight after. I don't know why teachers don't explain this. Without jhana, there basically is no concentration. The words are often used synonymously.

Attaining jhana has nothing to do with skill in meditation but rather with putting yourself in a headspace or an emotional and physical state that's conducive to it. Jhana is a neurological phenomenon that some people just stumble upon, though I imagine it must also be possible to deliberately induce the first-time experience of it.

<3

Good man yourself!  
Keep sharing. Keep practicing. Be gentle to yourself. 

You could try find a local sangha maybe? I tried but never clicked with any but I know others had better experience. 

​​​​​​​I too am great full for the online sangha like this one.