Nice insight.

Just a clarification. I may have talked using those words before : "staying with the senses'. Although helpful to see it as action of forced 'staying' in the beginning to a degree, but ultimately there may be a linguistic trap here. The word 'staying' can subtly manifest into 'trying' to stay with the senses and that is actually the opposite of what one does when triggering recognition of apperception in my experience. With 'trying', the mind then selectively segregates the field of experience into 'parts' to pay attention to, when apperception has no segregating going on at all. The 'trying' aspect is the mind trying to grasp at some aspect /part of experience. Aaaaaah, apperception, I want to perceive you!

Apperception does not have that grasping quality, so to cultivate recognition of it, pure sense contact as it arises should be simply 'recognised' as it arises, rather than 'stayed' with. This word is less likely to lead the mind into 'trying', although it could....'trying to recognise' may occur. Being aware of the 'trying' overlay is useful as it arises.

Nick

Great perfection/Shikantaza/HAIETMOBA daily practice:

I find I get tired of this mindfulness a little less now and I can see the value of continuing to plow through the tired parts of the day with the same acceptance. It makes you reverent towards the power of habitual tendencies and to develop more dispassion for them. When doing this as a sitting practice I find that sitting with the vibrations as they get thicker and thicker the hindrances pull me in physical tension but let go almost like some external force is nudging me one way or another and I'm just looking at it instead of reacting to it. The labeling part of the noting is feeling more coarse now and I just want to drop it now and just see clearly with the senses what's there. I suppose "riding the wave" is a good metaphor.

When looking at thoughts it's like investigating the automatic senses and looking from that vantage point at thought habit tendencies. The feeling of "I" is very related to the thoughts for me. The practice relieves the stress via acceptance over anything that is there but the dispassion comes from finding the repetitive tensions annoying. If I eat enough but still get some cravings to eat more than I need to, I can also enjoy the pleasantness of feeling lighter and knowing that more fat will be burnt over night because I didn't indulge. I will notice at any uncomfortable sensations when I do fall off the wagon which is much better than judgment and guilt. It's always good to look at the pleasant ignored from the unpleasant and unpleasant ignored in the pleasant. There's more to the reality and desire and aversion is just zooming in on aspects and ignoring others.

I'm also losing a little weight because drinking water in place of just eating is often enough to kill the craving. When you're thirsty sometimes you can think you're hungry as well. This tactic is similar to the book The Power of Habit involving the habit cue. I learned to control nail biting by simply clipping my nails as soon as possible before I start gnawing on them. The habit tendency isn't gone but a healthy replacement ends the problem. If I drink water before I eat more carbs then the need to consume more carbs is greatly reduced.

There's also a subtle stress when the mindfulness lapses so getting in touch with the senses ASAP ends any papanca tendencies with mapping and meditation striving.

Shikantanza "do nothing" 1 hour: This is the practice I needed now. I think I have been repressing the thought process still too much with noting. By allowing all automatic thoughts and all natural senses without trying to add or subtract from anything from the experience was greatest relief for me so far. It was like watching a a kaleidescope of phenomena arise and passaway on its own. There is still a little bit of clinging left but that's because I haven't mastered this practice yet. The sense of self is retreating from the whole back of my head to just my top of the spine connected to my head.

Feeling great all day to day. The entire Shikantanza process is pervading my life. Aversion is down. Sanity is up. Thoughts (even bad ones) are okay. Everything seems okay. Tonight did another 1 hour of it. There was a pop in the back of the top part of my skull where time very briefly disappeared but I didn't get any bliss wave and I feel pretty good just like yesterday and today. My brain revved up some major 3rd eye pressure without any attempt to concentrate. Otherwise just more of the same which is just fine by me.

Shikantanza "Do nothing" practice: Allowing thoughts to naturally pass away along with everything else has been very powerful for me. I was house sitting recently and had nothing to do so I played a video game. You know when you suck at a level and you have to redo the entire level again and again? Normally that would cause agitation but by not repressing any thoughts (negative or positive) I could feel the tension like a muscle start to tense up but then I found it easy to get out of the way and let it let go automatically. There's nothing that needs to be "done". I've been allowing this to happen all day everyday and it feels like there's nothing for "me" to do. Desire seems so obvious now. I can just bring up images of something desirable and thinking about desirable details just creates increased desire. Then I think of some responsibility I'm procrastinating on and bring the desirable details of positive benefits of dealing with this responsibility and a new healthy desire replaces it. All that's left of the dukkka nanas is some chest anxiety or fear but it's much more attenuated now. Much of it is from thinking if there is anything more I should be doing. It's just more stuff that arises and passes away naturally.

2 hour vipassana noting: Trying to note and not stop thoughts was the goal for today. I got intermittent jhanas along with bright results in the retina, and the noting naturally dismantled the jhanas. The self definitely feels like thoughts. I will see an image of a future self and it feels totally fake. The self feels more like a dream than reality. I'm finding that gentler noting is the way to go and sometimes slower noting (like every 3-4 seconds) to really soak in the experience is helpful. I've also been doing some concentration practice on the sensations of the spine/neck/back of skull to zero in on the location of the self. It seems to loosen things up in that I'm able to notice my experience shake and vibrate with every heart beat, but I got strong 3rd eye pressures in the forehead that really distracted the practice. I need to relax the facial muscles a little more. Still the result is a nice warm vibrating feeling the mind with little stickiness.

I'm just walking around letting experience (including thoughts) arise and pass away. There's no real meditation. The only doing is making sure to pay attention to the senses while not stopping thoughts I'm also not allowing thoughts to proliferate so much that I check out of the present moment.

Just for fun I decided to do pure samadhi practice for an hour. I found that it was easy to stay with the breath and any cognitive interruptions didn't last long. It was like a teflon brain. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I got no jhana factors at all and I could tell the brain felt like it didn't need the practice and it just hurt my head with large 3rd eye pressure in the forehead. Even relaxing the tension while still practicing was painful (hello 3 characteristics!). The closest thing to a "jhana" now is simply doing the Shikantanza/Great perfection/HAIETMOBA (whatever you want to call it) practice and enjoying the vibrations in the senses. I can get the same results with quick light noting practice. Even those nice feelings are not something to attach to. They are starting to feel a little crude. It's almost like your brain likes basic table wine, but then when you try above average wine the basic won't do. I'm assuming when I try outstanding wine then the above average won't do either.

The next step is to keep presence in the senses all day and especially when on the computer, reading, working, and talking to people. I can still "checkout" and attach to thoughts in those activities so more clear seeing is needed to get back to reality.

Reading test with Shikantanza: I had a novel that I started some time ago that I didn't get very far into. I decided to pick it up again. There was a little avoidance but I just remembered how the present moment is just that, whether I'm reading or doing anything else and the aversion naturally came and went. Then I started. In the past I would use concentration practice to repress thoughts and try and read but of course repressing thoughts makes the reading very sterile and lifeless. At the time it seemed necessary to block out thoughts because the mind could go on a tangent which would also reduce the quality of the reading.

This time I just allowed thoughts to gently arise and pass away. This allowed more depth of understanding and more patience to look up unheard of vocabulary (I was reading a Patrick O'Brian novel with lots of nautical terms). When I did get caught up in thoughts it was usually when I read something that reminded me of myself or people I know (self-referencing). I allowed those thoughts to come and go but I didn't add to them so I was able to get back to it pretty quickly. Some aversion sometimes comes in because the mind likes to start something but not to finish it. Just letting that aversion come and go on its own relieves it. After about 1 1/2 hours I could feel the tiredness coming in. The aversion picks up and here I can see taking a break makes sense and then returning replenished I'm able to continue. The aversion I think comes from not accepting limitations but also not testing the limitations to see how much further one can go before one is truly tired. If one is throughly engrossed in an easy reading novel I can see them go on for hours reading but at the same time some difficult books can reward patience if one is willing to stick with it.

Next I want to apply the Shikantanza practice to actual intense studying and memorizing. In the past I would probably have to syke myself up and power through it despite the reactivity (very painful). Or study with no breaks and bash the self-image if I didn't continue farther. It'll be fund to try/not try while studying. To study without a goal would be valuable.

Note on old habits: I used feel sorry for myself a lot in the past and just recently I tried going in that same direction again. This time my tears were a lot less, the pain was less and the clouding of experience reduced. It lasted maybe 30 seconds and then I'm back to normal again. It seems freakish but at the same time quite healthy. This makes getting into a positive mood much easier. For those just starting on the practice after around 4-5 years (sooner if you do retreats) it really does get better.

Shikantanza: It's getting easier and easier to dwell in the senses. Some recent troubles with family members that recur regularly are now feeling less of a bother. I get less worked up. The drama is less engaging. I'm also noticing that fear and inhibition is starting to weaken in a more noticable way. I seem to care less and less what people think of me, and (even better) I care less and less what "I" think others think of me. In the past I could feel a harsh reactivity in the chest when thinking about the judgments of others and now I'm identifying less and less with it. The rest and elation is becoming less explosive and more normal. When I think about things I would like to achieve in the future, I'm more interested in what I'm doing about it now. I need less instant gratification.

Shikantanza: I think I had a turning point last night. I continued the practice as usual but I noticed that letting go is becoming much easier. I saw non-conceptually that 99% of my internal thinking and talk is about likes and dislikes even in indirect ways. By letting go of having to like or dislike anything it led to a jhana like experience except with no effort. The experience was so beautiful I was crying tears of joy with gratitude and relief. It was like the best clear indication of the three characterisitcs except with this practice there was nothing to do and nothing to achieve. Just let go. Unfortunately the experience was so overwhelmingly good that my brain wanted to conceptualize it and rehearse the results. Of course I let that go to and I want to keep letting go all day. I have to be careful because this letting go wasn't something that had to be done it was done all by itself simply by clear seeing. This was just a beautiful taste but the new habit has to take time to settle. The only real effort in this practice is to use willpower to keep seeing just for the sake of it. The concentration object (if I can even call it that) is just awareness or nothing. I didn't have to "concentrate" on it. It just happens on it's own. The last layers of fear and inhibition are starting to crack.

The experience is like AUTOMATICALLY letting go of something painful simply because it isn't necessary to function normally. The letting go also has a refreshing feeling of "there is nothing to need". Of course the "I" wants to feel like this all day but the "I" must be reminded that it is not needed to do this. There is also something deathlike in that I feel more and more accepting of death and imperfection in life. The near feeling before this nice experience is "I'm okay in just dying right here" except it's not suicidal but just deep acceptance that death is a natural part of life.

EDIT: This might be 4.2/4.3/4.4 Equanimity according to Daniel's Jhana/Nana table. At least the descriptions feel right.

Current practice is still developing more dispassion and disenchantment. I'm starting to get to what Nick was talking about in not zooming in to subjects. I feel like the 2 modes of "self" are credulity and incredulity. I'm incredulous to a "self" when I allow all the senses to be the foreground, and credulous to a self when I'm describing my experience or being lost in thoughts. The best description I can give is that when I notice the granular structure of my vision I feel more hemmed in like slightly 2 dimensional, and reality doesn't seem so real. The reality is hitting my senses in the present moment and is not distant at all and the feeling of expansiveness and reaching out in distance to the 3 dimensional sensual world is my conceptual self doing it's usual dwelling and searching for likes and dislikes. I'll just keep on with this Shikantanza practice because it's still yielding more insights. There's still a little more pain left when I start enjoying the present moment and the self wants to dwell on likes and dislikes as I try to reach out via projections. Of course I just let it go on it's own steam. I'm not sure if my practice is still too repressive. I feel less repressive than before though, which is encouraging. When I go for a jog and just be with my automatic senses my experience is a little "strobing" and "movie like" in my vision. There's also a feeling that I can just stay closer to thoughtless for longer periods of time. The elation of being just in the senses is getting more normal but still quite exquisite.

I went on vacation recently and it helped a lot. Getting out into nature helps to atrophy old day to day habits so when you come back you start making some changes. During long drives I listened to the Happiness Advantage by Achor and it helped out with one problem I had with the depletion of willpower for changing habits. I've been wanting to exercise more but always fail to do so. The example to change that scenario by Achor was to sleep in your gym clothes. The problem with willpower is that it drains but what I got from that famous willpower book was that you were supposed to strengthen it. The problem with that is while you're doing it what are you supposed to do in the meantime?

By sleeping in my gym clothes the path of least resistance is to go exercise as opposed to changing into other clothes. The author wanted to learn guitar but in order to do that he had to use his 20 second rule by removing the TV controller batteries and moving them 20 seconds away to make it painful to watch TV and then by putting the guitar and stand in the living room the path of least resistance was to practice guitar playing. I currently have added an RSS feeder program to news so I just open the program and quickly see the headlines and only read what I want to and it's saved a lot of time. I used to be addicted to reading tons of news I didn't need to. Make it easier to do the new habits by removing obstacles and add obstacles to old habits. One shouldn't have to rely on willpower alone.

On the meditation front I found a larger realization that the I really am just the senses and that the sense of I in the past was just concepts arising and passing away. It feels more natural and normal now to just be in the senses and then to pick and choose which arising thoughts are worth following and letting the rest just drop away. It's almost like my skull is feeling hollow of self while still feeling okay. The less "I" do about it the better.

EDIT: Shinzen Young's explanation on how the sense of self behind the eyes in equanimity is also conceptual is starting to make more sense now.

2 hours of Shikantanza/some noting "gones": Some of the last realization (which happened more with presence during daily life) is filtering into my meditation practice. Equanimity is starting to get boring. Even if mental interruptions and dispassion is handled easily my brain is seeking out more clarity by looking at the endings of thoughts in particular. When the thought ends I'm back into the senses with lots of presence. This is similar to what Eckhart Tolle says about viewing the pauses between thoughts. Yet it's better if the brain finds this true because it desires to relieve pain than to simply follow a meditation practice. Any prior mental talk about meditation gets dropped as well. The suffering is still there in equanimity but because it's much less than before it requires more consistent comparision between being lost in thoughts and being here now with all my senses. The constant comparison shows the brain the subtle pain that's there that should be let go of. Even though I feel damn good the small dark night reminders (old weakened mental habits returning etc.) tell the brain that more refinement is possible. It really is that question that Tarin used for his AF chart. "Do I want to think about this or be in the present moment?" Except this question is asked without words or concepts. It's just feeling subtle agitation while lost in thoughts and letting go into the senses over and over again and getting that little bit of relief over and over again.

There's definitely more of a shift that's becoming habit and being introduced into work. I find that dependent origination is easier to notice. When my brain is thinking about something really interesting the addictive part of the amygdala starts up and the mental talk/clinging gets revved up and the attention focus feels solid. Now that it's easier to let go more often my work patience has gone up a lot. The self referencing feels ridiculous and the brain can now see it isn't necessary to do that constantly. Rote work is becoming less boring. By being in the senses more the separation between me and the atmosphere feels a lot less. Sometimes when driving home it feels like I'm watching someone else's hand on the wheel. As soon as the brain starts getting caught up in thoughts I can detect the slight pain of likes or dislikes and it makes more sense to just come back to the natural senses. The most important part of this is that it's feeling more normal and not a mind state.

This particular quote from AEN's book is really helping me to get away from subtly manipulating thoughts. There's more room to allow thoughts without feeling guilt if there's a lot of thoughts. Less pain is good.

Where I am now with no self is that experiences and thoughts are known. This knowing doesn't have a substance or location. You can't grasp at it or conceptualize it. It just is. It's not solid. A thought of a "thinker" is just another thought. The "thinker" thought doesn't conceptualize other separate thoughts. It's just another thought. This is pretty fun, though there are deeper realizations.

Okay my Shikantanza practice has been changed with ruthless dependent origination reminders thoughout the day and during meditation. When sitting and doing nothing it's easier to get a handle on the vibrations in the senses and especially on the skin. When clinging/stress appears I just look at that as a sign that deep down the body believes in an inherent self. By understanding universal impermanence and letting go it's almost like instant relief and jhana factors start to rev up. The body sense appears to focus here and there while other parts of the body seem to disappear while the focus is somewhere else. In my sittings I'm feeling tingling sensations deeper in the throat and the back of the head. The sense of self appears to be a little version of me mimicking meditation while I meditate and is mimicking what I do throughout the day. This is definitely like the Wizard of Oz and pulling back the curtain. Similar to stories of the Buddha the brain assulted me with violent and super lusty female sexual images and movements doing it to me every which way and I just barely saw through them and didn't get lost in them. Psycho people were trying to shoot me with ridiculously scary smiles. Wow that was hard! You have to let go of everything. The Amygdala is packed with shit, lust, and over the top fears. That was almost overwhelming at times What's cool though is that there's more hope now that sexual desire and paranoid fears can be overcome with more practice. I can also see that with diligent mindfulness dieting might be more doable. You have to feel the aversion and craving and start letting go ASAP before the action takes place.

There was a point where the mind felt like it went into overdrive and the sense of self started to shrink like a collapsing star. Unfortunately there was some fear residue and the self narrowed to a singularity but didn't completely collapse. Seems like a near miss. Still I feel like I have replaced my butter knife with an exacto knife so I'll be continuing with this practice.

I've definitely seen why the realization is necessary to be used as a reminder. As the peak experiences of concentration and mindfulness fade it's necessary to remind the mind when it clings that the impermanent nature hasn't suddenly gotten solid. It's like a little check that can be done that throws you back into a effortless mindfulness. As this is done the thoughts arise and pass away and can be clearly seen to not be a self. Also today I noticed that clinging is like layers. As you let go of different kinds of clinging the experience improves. I noticed that clinging to thoughts about meditation was something I could let go of and the ease and the effort to keep mindfulness during work improved. The senses get a little quiet or sleepy when it happens so I can see how the lights can go out when you let go of everything.

When practicing Shikantanza it's clear the impermanence side of things and letting go when there's clinging is also clear. The problem is no self. I find that there is endless commentary even in a subtle ninja creeping way. I'm good at mindfulness for the most part but the weakness is THOUGHTS. So I found some more techniques that will help me parse out the ME inside into more dependent origination.

This talk was very helpful in shining a light into the murkiness of thoughts. They are so fast and there are so many types.

Andrea Fella - Working with thinking and thoughts in meditation

Basically I will focus on this foundation of mindfulness to hopefully penetrate further. The preliminary step is to just count the thoughts as they occur (including thinking about the practice or thinking there are no thoughts) and as the clarity of which type of thoughts appear I'm going to label them. Eg. Sub-vocal (talking to myself or other repetitive commentary on anything, seeing (for projections), hearing (audio thoughts). If there are any rememberances of taste or smells (quite rare for me) I'll note them too. I also want to note my emotional reactions to the thoughts because that's often how they manifest for me and locate them on the body. Some craving or aversion starts up and quickly thoughts move around them but sometimes it's so quick that it's only the thoughts I'm noticing first.

I think I'm getting back to normal again. I'm finding it hard to get more meditation in because I'm changing jobs and things are getting busy. The best part of the last few days is that reactivity is being seen more clearly. It's like dependent origination but basically the amygdala is blowing air into a thought bubble balloon that checks you out of reality. So I let go but I'm not in any mental state. I'm just normal. I just keep letting go and getting on with my day and activities. The mental desire and aversion is feeling more obsolete like it is just getting in the way with fear or useless distractions related to desire. If the reactivity is not intellegent enough to make good decisions it's because it's more equipped to a different lifestyle than in the concrete jungle. If I need to take risks then too much fear is just getting in the way.

The only change recently is that when reading my mind was very quiet on its own. Like "graveyeard quiet". It coincides with letting go. With attachment the brain is noisy and with letting go it's less noisy.

Just re-reading an article on the AEN blog which I didn't fully understand before but I do now, in regards to thoughts. BTW I recommend reading all of it:

Dialectic of reflection and presence







My experience of the above even while typing and thinking is that it's like the thought bubble fills in the gap of a lack of mindfulness. That's why it's hard to do because it's about maintaining it all the time but at the same time not blowing tons of energy with noting or fabricated concentration. Thinking while mindful feels so different than thinking without mindfulness.

So this connects the noters and non-noters with the same prescription to be present to all phenomena. As soon as the practice is objectified and attached to it's just another divide being created.



In the meantime if it's hard to keep being present during thoughts because of the speed of mental activity in work or other emotionally turbulent situations then proceed as follows:



Yet cognitive therapy will still have a sense of separation so one should keep going in the practice while not avoiding responsibilities:



And I can stay present in all this typing. I don't have to "own" the knowledge. The confidence comes from doing which is similar to the jhana factors in dealing with laziness & doubt.

Okay so I tried the new approach to let go of the past thoughts, future thoughts and even the present projections in a 2 hour meditation. I felt very good after this. Whatever negative mood I was in vanished. By squeezing myself down to the present moment as close as I could the mental formations were very jumpy and obvious to note. The jhanas didn't really appear and could barely start but that was okay. The concentration was enormous anyways. I could see how my mind was quickly (and quietly) moving into subtle thoughts on progress and analysis along with the usual interruptions. My eyes were open and some of my senses like vision and hearing were very clear. Any ear worms (which I get lots) vanished during this practice. To expand on the practice I started noting the aggregates I understand and I did this at a much slower pace. Just allowing the commentary to be there and to remind myself that the thoughts aren't a "me" which removes the stickiness of clinging.

With Tommy's suggestion I'll look into dependent origination in further detail and Greg Goode's Direct Path user guide which looks really meaty.

I'm still continuing with the above practice and just switching between methods when I need to. Basically I just let go of mental preoccupation over unimportant thoughts and relax in awareness. When I get caught up I remind myself whether being caught is a "self", which of course it isn't. I try to see how my sense of time decreases as I let go. I sometimes go back to noting but I don't do it out loud and often don't use subvocalization or pictures of words. As soon as I feel any clinging or squeezing I just let go and surrender. I also let go faster because during meditation the body likes to move lots and the senses and desire/aversion components quickly want to zoom in on something.

Yesterday for the first time I meditated all evening. There were other things I could do but I just didn't want to do anything. When my brain is not zooming on anything my facial and cranial muscles are relaxed with no object to focus on. It's just relief. I didn't even get any jhanas but that was just dandy.

Well I've changed from what I was like only a few months ago. I've just tried a basic concentration practice and found it easy to follow the instructions but I can't seem to get beyond the 1st jhana and even when that happens it's very light and my chest feels yucky and irritated. My arms can feel this way as well. With mindfulness I find that I just don't need jhanas and this means any attempt at classical cessation will have to be let go of since it needs deep samadhi to fade the senses. Even this 1st jhana I cultivated today, the left overs of this is slightly unpleasant and even remind me of when I loved the 4th jhana but could tell that I wasn't benefiting from it as much as I should have. It feels like the opposite of letting go. I just want to let go further and make it the only practice. I just want to sit there and do nothing.

Yet paradoxally I feel better than I have before. Even when dealing with difficult people and their judgmentalness I can tolerate it better than before. My presence sometimes softens their stance when I just take the instructions or corrections and just get on with the work. I sometimes feel like giving up on work but I just let that thought go and by the end of the day I feel totally different as my learning at work continues. Much of my improvement comes from disidentifying from any experience as a self and letting go to the point where the zooming in of my craving and aversion functions retreats back into my skull like a turtle back into it's shell. It's like I'm getting on with the day but brow is relaxed and there's no object to leap towards. This allows me to create more dispassion that I can continue to develop. I still have some food cravings that I indulge in but when I'm sitting in the restaurant I feel like "what the fuck I'm I doing here? Enough already! All you can eat is stupid!"

My experience is telling me "fuck cessation" and "direct path all the way baby!"

I guess if I keep declinging from all experiences as "self" that's all that matters. Even questions like HAIETMOBA and "Who am I?" felt overly compounded sometime ago. Real concentration to me feels like thoughts have to be allowed in and any manipulation or solidfying is terrible. I'm also enjoying having normal sleep without jhana after affects keeping me awake.

I don't know if anyone has gone through this and feels this is bad practice or good practice. I would appreciate some feedback.

With a little help from The Direct Path from Greg Goode (Mind chapter) I got back to the "I AM" stage but this time it's more of a habit and less disassociative. It feels really good. I just basically brought the answers to the HAIETMOBA and "Who am I?" questions back but I didn't ask them. I just move to the answers. Throughout the day I found myself wanting to listen to people more and dig into the details without craving or aversion. The elation wasn't as big as in the past because it feels more normal and even more restful and nonchalant. I'm going to have to dig into this and keep being in my body and senses and letting go as the days go on. There's of course a tendency to attribute consciousness (the thing that stuff happens to that you can't detect :grin as a big self and I want to avoid pushing expectations on the "Self" to make arisings better. Choices/attention/mindstates are all known to the consciousness.

Desire test: For the past few days I've eaten mainly fruits at lunch to improve my diet. The result was the usual cravings for fat and carbs. The feeling of desire has the way of taking you into thought bubbles and your body is already starting to move to the restaurant. Smells at work from other people's lunch pull you away again. By basically forcing myself to eat my lunch required some effort but once I got into it I felt full and perfecly okay because I wasn't bloated with greasy foods. I also brought a book along so I could get into something else.

Aversion test: Because I have to get up earlier to work my morning exercise routine got smashed to pieces. I forced myself to get back in the saddle by not using lack of time as an excuse. Even 20 min of exercise is better than nothing. I focussed on the aversion which appeared as cringing in the face and body. I relaxed it and continued noticing the exercise and tired feelings in the body change and move. In the end I can see how jhana factors are similar in mindfulness except it only took a few seconds to get rid of laziness and doubt. When trying to finish books that you have abandoned due to laziness. I also just stay with reading the words (no matter how slow) with no skipping until the story starts grabbing me again. It results in the same jhana factors. The speed of the reading starts increasing and you are in there again. If you finish a chapter and feel the laziness to start another one, you continue doing the same thing.

I'm going to focus on aversion now and add more aversive (but useful activities) to the day.

The day before yesterday was great in that I could see myself disliking craving and aversion and letting go of both. It required constant mindfulness with an attitude of being ready for the next reaction. When the thought bubbles drop it's like it wasn't a self and then I can just enjoy the senses. Then yesterday it was more of the dark night and old habits returning. I'm really having trouble with aversion. I still like to stay comfortable in old habits even if it isn't the right thing.

I decided to try some noting for a couple of hours. It got to the point that when anger on thinking about the past or possible future could just be noted and let go of. The relief is paying attention to the senses. I think I went into the first jhana but I didn't add anything to it. The more mindfulness and concentration the more the mental assertions and possible scenarios seem ridiculous and neurotic.

Nice reminder of the three characteristics:

3 Characteristics Guided Meditation

I'm reading Namkhai Norbu's Cycle of Day and night and it's helping my Shikatanza practice greatly. With Rigpa I feel I'm tampering with thoughts not at all. I just let them drop and enjoy the presence. When I look at a commercial with an interesting useless product I just let it go and look at the senses as reality and the thoughts as illusion and also not a self. The seeing without a seer (etc) is becoming more possible. It's easier to distinguish thinking based on likes and dislikes versus straight thinking. One doesn't have to prevent likes or dislikes but just understand them based on the 3 characteristics. Also practice related thoughts can be treated the same way.

The Cycle of Day and Night has a good quote I think is quite helpful:



This helps by allowing the mind to wander but when the mind understands that it's wandered off you're already back. No need to fabricate a "pay attention" meme. Just keep looking at the 3 characteristics and let go.

I'm starting to clear up my sense of "I". Ironically with Dzogchen practice, the subtlety of awareness makes it easier to drop it quickly, but has now tempted me with renewed noting practice. Nick's post on the Khemaka Sutta is just what I need. With letting the sense of self arise and pass away I was still looking for no-self (which doesn't make any sense) and manipulating my experience to suss out insight. By using the basic noting "urge", "aversion", "desire" I could start breaking down what feels like the self. What surprised me was that some of the feelings of self often didn't have a self involved. For example I would see a person flashed in a mental projection and it wasn't me or anyone I knew. Other times it was obviously vedana related things like desire or aversion. Sometimes that desire or aversion would be covered up by quick mental stories, scenarios and especially rehearsing to protect the self in future conversations that might never happen. By zeroing in on the self and breaking it down I could see that sweeping around like spotlight with intention on finding a self that vibrates has it's downside. The mere search or intention to pay attention could solidify a self due to aversion or desire related to insight outcomes. By doing this practice I could tell I still needed concentration because it took quite a bit to keep at it and the third eye pressure would come up again. I was probably going up the nanas but without that interest I had in the past. In truth I feel better than I did when I was playing with equanimity of formations and thought it was so fantastic.

By also reading some more of Strength to Awaken by Rob McNamara and his insight into how the ego wants to keep you in the comfort zone I can now see how to break that. By finding something aversive (exercise:grin I can keep the noting from the meditation session and bring it out during the day. Basically if the ego doesn't want to do something but you are noting anything that feels like a self and you let the desire or aversion pass away on it's own the relief is enough for you to get on the wagon again as long as you are paying attention to details of what's going on. During exercise you just keep attention on the details of the burn and pain like an interested scientist as opposed to an ego that just wants comfort. I remember what exercise used to be with lots of highs and crashes with pride falling. It ruins the experience yet if I tune into exercise as it is and less as a goal oriented thing where I imagine a fitter self in futuristic projections, the mental stress is far less.

I'm in the middle of The Direct Path of Realization by Analayo and mulling some helpful quotes:

Had a good exercise this morning. The complacency stops when I stop thinking about complacency and stop thinking about results.

I have been mulling throughout the day on how dependent my consciousness is to objects and sense perceptions. It's still sinking in as I plow through my Great discourse on causation book.

I continued my meditation tonight (2 hours) and decided to merge Rigpa with noting but without labels. I guess this would be like bare attention with noting. I started hitting jhanas again (I haven't done this since last summer) and didn't feel the nausea or extreme boredom as I have recently. I shot up to the 3rd jhana with noting and slammed hard into the 4th jhana. I saw strong circular colourful objects like Christmas ornaments in front of me (pretty interesting and useless). The noting wasn't entirely consistent but it didn't stop for too long either. I never really got lost in absorption. In the 4th jhana my clarity of senses was all pervasive. Quiet mind and clear senses. This seems to be a wall for me as vibrations thin out and are hard to penetrate but I did manage to let go more than I have before. As soon as stories appeared regarding enlightenment or any neurotic analysis I started labeling again and more importantly LETTING GO! Noting to me is just more of reminding the mind "Do I KNOW what is happening now?" I started feeling better and got more out of this equanimity. Chasing desires and stories about enlightenment is annoying. LOL! What I also noted is disatisfaction with my mastery of thoughts. The thinking part of my mind doesn't seem as mastered as all other phenomena. The sense of self is still tied to thoughts and I can tell I haven't had any experiences like others have had where the self is just gone. I also need to revisit labeling different thought forms as Fella describes in my older posts. Just break it down. My next goal is to do just that when I get to equanimity. I may have to go beyond 2 hours though.

Still I'm pretty happy.

I only managed 2 hours again this sit. I focused on thought formations and also the sense of "I" as it manifested. I was probably in the 2nd jhana most of the sit but the clarity was good. I remembered earlier posts from Tommy M and a talk by Andrea Fella in this thread and just noted how the thoughts appeared and the sense of "I". The sense of "I" seems to appear only when lost in stories and especially about likes and dislikes. The fact that all this happens and is known by consciousness means there can't be two selves (consciousness and thinking). The feeling of separation is the difficult knot to untie because I think it's based on not letting go enough. Clinging seems to be the sense of self, therefore this clinging is repeatedly going on even when I don't think it is. Treating it like just another sensation is something I'll have to continually work on all day to make it sink in. "One sensation cannot sense another". Taking a shower this morning I was annoyed with mental stories and I just let go and took in all the details of the water on my skin and sounds and still keep letting go. Now I know why this sense of self feels permanent. It's because in weak concentration it keeps coming back like a bad horror movie ending.

I had a strange 3 hour sit yesterday. I continued noting without labels (though I did some where it felt necessary) and I just stayed noticing the 3 characteristics during thinking and anything else. I would get lost in thoughts but come back with no jolt or analysis and the relief was a little better than what I'm used to. I didn't even go into a jhana of any kind I could tell. The only difference is the noting I'm doing I'm emphasizing the consciousness knowing aspect of each experience.

I did another 3 hour sit this morning. I went up through the jhanas I can do. I think touched on infinite space briefly but I'm still analyzing the 3Cs too much to absorb in them. By letting the thoughts go without fanfare or manipulation I'm starting to enjoy noting with only occasional labels. By sticking with my consciousness (knowing) as the guide I can see the small bits of striving and chasing that intensive labeling might conceal. The attempts to do MORE than just note are seen. By reminding myself of Bhante Gunaratana's instructions to be aware of when hinderances aren't present helps you to enjoy what can be ignored right now. He seems to concur that likes and dislikes are where the strength of the sense of self is from, so I could extrapolate that letting go is the only way to shrink interruptions. I still get lost in thoughts but it's less often. I also have more appreciation for concentration practice and how it supports good mind states. There is also a sense of wanting to let go of everything and just be like this.

Just keep going.

EDIT: I'm also keeping in mind not to make Dzogchen practice into a concentration practice. The impermanence has to be looked at.

Throughout the day I'm feeling good even when I normally should be frustrated (work related). By depersonalizing reactive thoughts it's like I'm "doing" even less. When I get caught up in thoughts and then turn to it as a sensation and watch it pass away it's like not-self.

I agree with Jake. Live life fully engaged.

Finished Analayo's Direct Path to Realization. (Thanks Ian!) This book was helpful in pointing out the 7 factors of awakening with good descriptions. I found that joy was something I wasn't getting into as much. It was more about letting hindrances go but these factors are a lot like jhana factors as follows:

Mindfulness leading to investigation leading to energy leading to joy leading to relaxation leading to concentration leading to equanimity. The joy is in noting when hindrances aren't there. The concentration helps to keep them at bay and calm the mind. It was also interesting in that the Buddha mentions these factors as to why people can forget well remembered information and remember other information with less effort.

The investigation is of the 5 aggregates: Matter, cognition, feeling, volition, consciousness.

With practice in daily life I can feel how manipulated volition is by pleasant and unpleasant sensations so I can definitely understand that aggregate as not self. Cognition needs to be tested by observation to avoid misinterpretation. It happens quickly after the memory is used to compare experiences so it can label objects. It's definitely more about experience and habit than a "me". Matter is obvious to me. Feeling is definitely out of control for me if it's based on external objects I can't control. Internally the mind throws all kinds of thoughts that create unwanted feeling (no self again). The difficulty for me is consciousness. I know that consciouness relies on an object but other than knocking myself out with cessation I'm not sure what a direct path version of experiencing impermanace of consciousness would be. Do I have to get into the ring with a boxer and get beaten unconscious?

My recent practice was pretty intense. I quickly moved up and down jhanas 1 to 4 and felt the letting go more deeply but also in a more violating way (probably a good sign). I had the dream of going towards a suffocating void. Hahahah! Resistance.

Yesterday morning on the bus I kept thinking about consciousness and it made sense to me to see what is "mine" in consciousness and what is "mine" in senses and of course they just work on their own. Some more relief came just from attention to what can't be controlled with senses and consciousness. There was also a slight move to let go of senses when I did this but just briefly, kind of like a dry heave.

1 hour meditation yesterday: I made a resolution to do as little as possible and to not even "let go" as Daniel would say in MCTB. The letting go happens on it's own, just get out of the way. Whatever emotions (positive or negative) I would just watch arise and pass away and it was like everything was just happening on it's own and it didn't matter what arose. Such a relief. The thought sensations that created any emotion just came and went like waves and any normal blocking of these experiences with analysis was not used so the experience was smooth instead of bumpy.

God it seems so good but it seems so far from being like this all the time.

1 1/2 hour meditation: Really sticking with the same practice as last time. Just see things as they are and when daydreams start just note them and watch them go and continue looking at the 3 Cs. This was a more painful result and I relaxed my facial muscles as the 3rd eye was getting too tight. I noticed that whenever any big problem arose in my mind to interfere with the concentration the mind went through dissatisfaction. It's pretty clear when thinking about likes and dislikes that there's nothing that I can obsessively think about and get permanent satisfaction. Nothing satisfies permanently. Mental arguments (even good ones) can leave an annoying residue in the mind. It's important to look at core values and to pick your battles. There was definitely some more dark night symptoms, though I've seen them before and they pose less of a problem than they did the first time. I was mainly looking at the changes in the visual field with eyes closed and noticing hearing at the same time (this is getting easier) and I would ask the question when an obsessive thought arose: Is this going to permanently make me happy? Of course NO is the answer and the thought would drop and I was back paying attention to the senses. It's almost like the senses are irritating white noise to the clinging aspect of mind but when that aspect is let go of there is peace. I would crack a smile when that happened.

Towards the end of the practice I started looking more at the aggregates (especially consciousness) and really trying to find a self in any of it. I can start to see the mind imputing a self onto vision yet vision by itself is just vision. I can see how this practice is helpful in that when you don't find a self it's a little bit of a realization but at the same time fleeting so repetition is necessary. My next practice will be to look for self in 5 aggregates with more detail.

1. Is this aggregate a self?
2. Does the self own this aggregate?
3. Is this aggregate inside a self?
4. Is the self inside the aggregate?


5 aggregates x 4 types of attachments = 20 forms of attachment (no wonder it's so hard).

I was going through dukkha nanas (probably desire for deliverance) all this morning. Really shitty. It affected my work and memory and it felt like nothing satisfies. By the end of the day I felt better, go figure (anicca). I continued looking at thoughts and again the answer is shimmering senses and thoughts that naturally lose centre stage. On a more personal note I find that sexual stimulation is more like a choice now and much easier to control. Some women at work are SO enticing and until recently it was easy to get caught up in sexual papanca (mental proliferation). It was a perfect example of craving tying consciousness and object together. I walk past this woman and she's got PERFECT skin! Beautiful raven hair! My neck turned instantly like I discovered a long thought extinct species. She looked at me like this has happened to her 50 times a day. You just let go and get on with your life. It's pretty simple. If you think about something enjoyable or something fearful both craving and aversion increase intensity. I think what did it for me was disatisfaction in the lack of thinking about a more wholesome (I don't know if it's a good word) form of love. Just simply noting lust with total acceptance that it's there can prevent it from escalating. Also some of the really attractive women are so attuned to their attractiveness that their conceit ruins it. Attractive people don't have to be nice and are often imbeciles so all they have to do is say something totally stupid or politically correct to shatter the illusion. Also the fear of letting go of sexual arousal and turning impotent is just superstition. All I have to do is think....and it's back. Whoops there goes the mental clarity.

I felt coreless today. Really smooth experience. It's easy to see how a good portion of thoughts can be let go of. Looking at thoughts as "Is that a me?" helps loosen the clinging grip.

Today was interesting. Just paying attention to everything at once and life looks like a hologram including thoughts. The feeling of the continuity of mindfulness was delicious and has that similar thawing of tension I had when I first got equanimity.

I've been going through a big move recently and practice has suffered somewhat from it. I'm also getting into the samsara of the dating world. It's already throwing me for a loop. Some women are so smart and attractive I don't want to let them down. I always feel like I need more money and more status. Stuff like this will probably always test me. I've gotten some massive dark night symptoms where I want to crawl into bed and just die. As soon as I start noting everything I get better. It's seesawing back and forth. I just feel like shit part of the day and then feel better later on wondering why the fuss. Each time it happens though I feel the need to note what's happening in my senses and I'm being convinced that noting in intervals is more useful to me in reducing stress.

Most importantly: Once an emotional mood catches hold it takes a longer period of noting to reduce clinging.

I got much better results with consistent noting today. Even small reminders like "did I notice that?" or "did I truly see that?" for thoughts and senses can bring you back to reality. Noting thoughts is getting easier. It's like I'm okay being how I am and noting is just impassively seeing what that is. No more no less. Relief.

Something seems to be changing in me. As I note I find basically every daydream to be some small form of torture. The brain is naturally inclining to bare attention to the senses. There are times when noting thoughts there seems to be a flattening and tightness in the location of the self in the back of the head and it then disappears. Noting throughout the day seems to be weakening anger in a major way and it needs this acknowledgement of what's here. "Yes that's here." Self-pity and mild irritation are now noted with ease and even thinking about the practice doesn't cause pain either. It's like the brain just wants to get back to what's happening now even if it's mundane. The big test is when there's a big issue but otherwise it's okay.

I tried noting while listening to some exquisite classical music (Bach Gamba Sonatas - Casals) and the experience was extremely relaxing. When the mind wants to wander onto different topics the consistent noting keeps you on track. I haven't fallen in love with noting like I am now. Every note needs a dose of acceptance of what is to really soften negative mindstates. Noting while talking about the practice in my mind or just thinking about practice is like a reinforcement that demolishes doubt.

My latest meditation has been very different. By focusing on sanna and seeing how the mind Recognizes things I can zero in on suffering more accurately. It's like I don't do much with the meditation except pay attention to what's happening and just sit there and when stress comes in it's because of some memory of something good or bad and I can see how there's not enough wisdom and I have to deliberately think of the 3 Characteristics and it let's go on it's own. There's also an understanding now that I should be purposely seeing what causes stress for me and start seeing the obsession over details and how more detailed you go the more stress is created.

1 hour feeling tone practice: It definitely feels like hitting close to home. It's also very ephemeral. It also can help with the dark night in my opinion. When getting dukkha nanas, noting feeling tone brings you back to which recognitions/perceptions/thoughts that get you off track. I'm going to be continuing this for quite a while.

More feeling tone meditation 3 hours: Noted any discomfort in body and thoughts. Noted pleasant thoughts and sensations. Suffering disappears on its own as expected but understanding the perceptions that rest on feeling tone helps to keep the pleasant tones from running away with thoughts and the same for unpleasant thoughts. Watching feeling tones arise and pass away on their own without interruption is really important. Willpower is heavily affected by feeling tone when you're clinging to any of it. A good reminder that really illustrates no-self and the three characteristics:

Everything is an experience including meditation and thinking about meditation or thinking about anything or doing anything or craving anything or wanting to change anything on ad infinitum is just more ephemeral experiences.

Consistently reminding myself of this really hits home in an uncomfortable way. There is no self. It's as clear as it could possibly be. No self is not a thing it's the absence of finding something permanent let alone a permanent self. The search itself is empty of permanence and attachment to the search hurts as bad as any attachment. There is no searcher. It's just searching. Feeling a little discombobulated. Anatta is unsettling and freeing at the same time.

Questions for myself: "When I'm asking a question is it a questioner?" (Most likely it's anxiety.)

"Can I stop searching now?""Can I stop chasing my tail?" (Waves white flag)

I don't feel like doing anything, which means I'm not clinging.

Okay back to work. I paid attention to vedana throughout the evening and can see this is an area that noting with labels is not helping. It's preferrable for me to just watch it arise and pass away and just recognize that it's pleasant, neutral and unpleasant. It's also important to pay attention to how the skin feels because that's where most of the feeling tone is. The other senses seem to affect thought more and that goes back to sanna again which I've already looked at. When I started doing this I could see so many embryonic thoughts arise and pass away quickly because the recognition is so tied to the feeling tone.

I've just finished reading Psycho-Cybernetics and it is definitely going to be my "focus on the positive" practice. The key to it is that desire is often based on what you imagine and dwell on in your mind. If you dwell on successful actions and positive actions (especially in great detail) the desire will propel you along and over time those actions will develop into new habits. Thinking about the negative aspects of responsibilities will only force you to use willpower to achieve goals but if positive details are dwelled upon in the mind until the desire takes over then willpower isn't needed.

Eg. If you're shopping for something you want it doesn't take willpower to buy it (even if the weather is inclimate or there are other obstacles) but if you need to do some responsibility that has unpleasant elements dwelling on the positive results will make you tolerate a lot more the obstacles to your goal because you're not dwelling on the negative aspects. It may be cold outside when taking out the garbage but if I dwell on the pleasant results of a cleaner smelling home and more space and keep dwelling on it at some point I'll get off my seat and start taking out the trash.

When you add years of meditation the desire is not something that has to be clung to as permanent and it's energy that can be used.

With vedana practice I can see the need to be disenchanted with it. There's a pleasant relief of letting go of typical habits (come home from work and watch TV or surf the net). Then when you pay attention to annoying things but look at the pleasant parts in the main ("It will be nice when the taxes are done") there's no need to note things and let go you just like the results of responsibilities being taken care of being put behind you.

I'm also starting to notice my mind wanting to withdraw more and "do nothing" in an even deeper way than my typical Shikatanza practice. Combining both practices is making life much better and clearing out any repression of normal desires.

Another shift walking home today. Just by letting go of repressing desire I was able to see the vedana connect with stress but it was more like my mind let go into the senses somehow DEEPER. Any repression of the present moment (including subtle things like light daydreams) is let go of because of the small stress that is there. It's hard to explain but it's like your head is inside a car and you stick your head out the window. It feels naked and interdependent with the world and it's more relief again. Everytime I think there can't be more relief I find there is more. Being in the senses is almost like holding a camera and videoing the world with your eyes and you can sense the small vibrations in vision simply from walking.

Just another reminder to myself related to MCTB:



I'm assuming I can categorize this as volitions.

2 hours meditation this morning plus another 2 while jogging. The latest insight I've noticed is how powerful perception and thinking is. The concentrative practices are really nice because they show how blocking thoughts can create nice warm vibrations of joy all the way up to equanimity, but when thoughts come flooding back in that benefit fades pretty quickly. Now that I have done much more insight practice I can incorporate both insight and concentration to see that mental tension with more clarity. Basically the mind is not just creating pleasing perceptions from what's happening now but much more often based on memories of past experiences.

By continuing the meditation with as similar depth as possible throughout the day the habitual day dreaming (I'm talking about only a few seconds) is enough to bring mental muscle tension into the head. In fact this could lead to headaches if concentration isn't strong enough and the mind is not used to letting go. It was fun letting go of clinging thoughts (which is what needs to be done) and paying attention to the moment by moment changes in experience to get great relief. I realize that I'm getting good at dealing with thoughts but there's more depth I can go.

How I feel about thoughts now is that they are like train tracks in your mind that as you start down any paths that involve likes and dislikes it's like getting caught on those tracks and then when the momentum and speed builds up it feels like the necessity of dropping clinging and then getting back to moment by moment awareness becomes paramount. If you do the right thing, even after you get on the fast train, it takes quite a bit of time to slow it down and stop. It's like the engine is craving pushing the thought formations/volitions sending you on actual actions you will take versus what your willpower wants to do. Even while thinking and typing right now I'm starting to notice an even smaller mental tension like a readiness to cling that's ready to ramp up if I let it. There's actually some small suffering that's hard to see and very subtle but also very necessary that we see it.

When you want to go back to thoughts again (because we need to think to live) you have to be so careful that you don't get caught on the wrong track. That track makes you feel comfortable like sitting in the dining car and reading a paper while you continue on the same old groove (hindrance).

For volition practice I'm also just using positive perceptions to develop desire to direct my actions but also to see if I can treat things like scientific tests. If I don't feel like doing something I should I just experiment by doing the opposite of what I normally do or do something counter to what I normally do. Another way to develop this desire is to think about all the cool things I can do that I normally don't do and make that a resolution to do some of those activities each day.

I've just returned from a huge trip to Greece, Turkey, and Egypt. On top of the facinating history (Acropolis, Mycenae, Troy, Gallipoli, Ephesus, Giza, the Nile) there is an obvious reminder of impermanence. There's nothing like seeing a statue of a Pharaoh all cocky and confident and then seeing the desperation of the Valley of the Kings: Dead bodies that can't take their precious possessions with them to a mythical after-life. Seeing these famous people and places still has a bit of unreality to them when you move quickly but it's starting to sink in what I experienced. Staying away from internet for the duration of the trip has also helped atrophy old habits. This is a similar experience to a psychology documentary I saw where they took internet game addicts away from their computers for a month in a house there they can atrophy those old habits. I definitely recommend this even for people who don't have severe addictions.

My current practice is to just see when the stress is appearing and to look at the recognitions and physical pain that preceded them. What I like about this practice is how you can see the physical and mental limitations and acknowledge them instead of treating meditation like some practice that will give you superpowers. I'm still continuing with the focus on positive details to create desire in areas I can often find boring. Being an INFP preference in Myers Briggs, finding meaning in small tasks becomes very important in order to use natural desire for motivation. I'll also add more meditation on the downside of comfortable habits to use natural aversion in the proper direction. This is going back to the Dalai Lama's instruction to look at which details we ignore in what we like or dislike.

EDIT: How I am currently emotionally is in a healthier place because I'm not trying to repress any emotions. They are less painful precisely because there is less tanha (craving) to get rid of them. I'm more interested in why the emotion is there and how to use the energy properly. I'm actually starting to enjoy my emotions for the first time in my life. Acceptance and taking action just makes it better.

I don't know what's happened by since my vacation but my concentration towards insight is getting easier. When I pay attention to my total experience it's like I'm losing the sense of "me" in thoughts even further than before. When I note I don't use labels. I just recognize what's there and it's so smooth and without repression. When the mind does get lost in thoughts it feels like it just lets go on it's own and no "self" is needed to forcibly let go. Best day so far. Any dislike for the present moment (including basic dreams of what I would like to be in the future) feel HEAVY and after those thoughts are let go of it's peaceful and light and there's no sense of self. Even minor meditation analysis has the same heavy feeling and is let go of. Emotional thoughts also have a dramatic gravity to it that seems exagerrated compared to the hum in my ears or normal sensations on my skin. The trick is to consistently bring the mind back to looking at what's happening now without too much "efforting" or strain because anything (including analysis/intention to meditate) is included in the meditation. Nothing is left out. I don't have to force out thoughts to notice sensations. Thoughts are treated like sensations.

Going on some more dates. Of course the lust factor is HUGE as per usual and some of the prior self-loathing but I'm feeling different now. Feeling sorry for myself is extremely hard for me now to make when I first got equanimity seem not equanamous enough. My letting go of the typical "self" and the "disassociated meditator self" creates more relief to the point that when I'm doing boring chores I don't need to focus on the positive characteristics to get it done. I just do it and feel the same relief. This is so cool! Now to take ThB's advice and change habits.

When you let go of the disassociated self that wants to comment on the typical self of likes and dislikes there is freedom from procrastination. Even having positive comments can get in the way of action. When there's nothing in the brain that has something to say all there is, is to do. When tasks are completed there isn't a self that has to go "Yay!" or imagine more fantasies about itself. It's just done and the energy expenditure seems much less and you can then do more. It's like a skull that's empty of chatter so it's easier to act.

There are small dark nights that appear but are so small because they need the disassociated self to keep making comments and analysis. It's almost like being a confident person taking action but in reality confidence has nothing to do with it. The ego can't benefit from the choices when they are done in this manner.

Update: I've been going through some more dark night symptoms and a big issue affected me emotionally more than usual (I didn't get selected for a job I wanted). I kept practising since I know that nothing is solid so I still recovered fast but I feel very normal like I've never meditated yet I'm able to see how this selfing works and the skills are there when I tap into them.

I don't know if this is what Daniel also describes in MCTB or not. (The self pretending to be an watcher watching all the different experiences and wanting to interfere to make it better).

Basically experience IS not separate, but thought formations combined with intentions to make the present moment better, make you feel separate very subtly and continuously. Those experiences in the past where I felt out of body but experientially still in the body was just a glimmer of what I see now. It's like I pay extra attention to the cool breeze on my arm but notice the slight pain of the mind intending to make the pleasant experience last longer or to banish an unpleasant experience with aversion. The volitional formations seem to cover up EVERY experience including thoughts. Thinking about thinking could interfere with proper thinking. It could even be a thin veil but it's always coming and going so my sense of self also comes and goes (which is also exposed to consciousness) and therefore not-self.

I found some old Kenneth Folk posts I copied from 2010 that are starting to resonate with me:

The above has helped a lot. It's shocking. My sense of self is going away. I'm not sure if it's stream entry of some direct path kind but I feel like I'm floating on existence with nothing solid and feel great. Some big issues bubble up but they are being let go of even faster than before. The stress just bumps up against reality and lets go on it's own. I feel like I don't need to do anything. Getting lost in thoughts is more like clouds appearing and disappearing and not a problem. All I can do is let it sink in and not do anything. Very grateful right now.

2 hours Shikantaza:

Continuing as before with just letting the attention go wherever and watch it naturally pass away. My brain seemed to jump around jhanas. Any expectation of results was clearly the opposite of where I needed to go and counter-intuitively I just let whatever happen. The the most interesting jhanas (not sure what they were) relieved tension in the head and gave very pleasurable tingling on the crown. My body and breath felt like silk and the boundaries of my skin got to be lighter and fainter like I was flying in a plane. I had twitches in my knee caps that in the past I would try to repress but by letting them fully do whatever they resolved beautifully on their own. In between jhanas I had plenty of 3rd eye and general skull pressure. Again a lot of it was relieved by not adding anything to the process. After finishing one hour I just wanted to keep going for another. It was refreshing and blissful but strangely, after it was over, there was an extremely small undercurrent of stress there.

Okay I'm feeling fantastic. Even the most violent revenge thoughts or massive lust thoughts or depressive suicidal thoughts are being let go of on it's own. This is awesome! Looking at vedana (especially with thoughts) coupled with perceptions/mental volitions/actions creates a huge freedom. It's like you're on a ride of experience. Just hooking up to consciousness and seeing everything go creates that feeling. This morning there were definite dark night withdrawal symptoms which to me is a sign it's working. When they subsided I was flying. You can follow your old habits and you just stop and are dissatisfied pretty quickly.

One thought flows to the next and to the next or goes away or comes back and it doesn't matter it's not a self and the stickiness is gone. I basically feel now that I just have to let this process happen on it's own and I suspect that mental impulses will just weaken because the clinging isn't there to reinforce it. Time will be necessary for this to fully sink in. Looking at how dopamine and cortisol work as reward and punishments makes the vicious circle seem pointless but trying to stop it in any way is just repression. When the impulses naturally fade the relief is automatic and you are weaning yourself off these chemicals.

First attempt at Forgiveness meditation. It was awkward at the beginning precisely because of all the mindfulness I've been doing but I continued by not trying to bat away thoughts with it. Eventually the things I had to forgive myself for were rapid fire. I was a mess of tears by the end. I reached probably just the first jhana with it and no more. Much of this practice reminded me of the Focusing technique by Gendlin. By accepting what's imperfect in myself it's like the ego's concerns are acknowledged and deep held feelings of loneliness and disappointment with not achieving certain goals came to the forefront.

Interestingly I had a good sleep and the next day had less anger. Of course I'll have to keep on doing this to get deeper.

At work I got back to that same great feeling again by staying with the body and observing how thoughts affect it. After reading some more of the book The Island the direct path description created a reminder of the goal which is helpful.



So basically the ideal is, don't be addicted to anything, including the practice and including this website . To keep the relief going I often will ask myself "is there addiction here? Is there fixation here?" If I know there's another priority that needs to be done I can just drop the addictive thought or mental volition and drop the activity as well and get on with the priority. This of course dovetails with Thanissaro Bhikkhu's advice in Cutting new paths in the mind:

Cutting new paths in the mind
Thanks Fivebells!



I'm not sure if Thanissaro Bhikkhu is channeling "The Power of Habit" by creating cues when the craving is arising and having as a reward the relief of letting go, but I think that practice can be too compartmentalized so we still do the same habits over and over again. Unless we bring it to daily life and include in that daily life new activities based on our intended values not enough changes occur. We have to wait long enough for the craving to naturally subside and then do the new activity.

I'm currently working on my practice by making it more subtle. Acting without constant self-analysis is the goal. I find that conditioning and habits are based on prior likes and dislikes and it's possible to learn from past forgetting to intentionally forget useless habits.

EDIT: It's a paradoxical situation as detailed by Heidegger:



For example if I play tennis only during warm periods my skills atrophy during winter and I feel like I'm starting over by the next summer. Similarly if I keep avoiding the repression of thoughts over likes and dislikes that are unskillful and rumination over those same likes and dislikes those habits will naturally atrophy much like other conditioning going away from the lack of use. On the same coin we like to talk about conditioned things not worth clinging to but we need conditioning to learn skills so naturally if there are skills I should condition more then I should do so. (Eg. Metta, learning, cooking, whatever)

For dealing with getting things done and doing more I'm using the Pomodoro Technique at home and it's like a night and day difference. Creating goals at home gives you the same attitude adjustment as going to work so home feels more purposeful. Before going to bed there's a nice feeling of having crossed off some things that needed to be done (healthy dopamine). For an INFP MBTI type it's something I should have done years ago. But as usual you do things when you're less ignorant. Also for my type I tend to like things that need to be done on a desk in front of me so I can see it. Out of sight, out of mind. I also prefer the Pomodoro Technique over the Allen's "Getting things done" in that it's less complicated and when coupled with mindfulness I can enjoy the present moment in my body inbetween tasks so I just move from one to another. I could see a future where I could do this without the Pomodoro Technique. Though it might still be good to keep it going precisely because it will give information on what I'm spending my time on and making plans will have better time estimates.

I'm also mining my music collection and finding negative stuff in there to donate (sorry Mr. Bipolar Thom Yorke, and Eternally Disatisfied Trent Reznor). The precious happy moments are rare and if the habits become more happy that shouldn't be taken for granted. Why do I want songs like Closer and How to disappear completely running as earworms in my head at home or at work?

At work today I was just tuning into consciousness. For a brief few minutes it felt like consciousness was being assaulted by experience but that went away. It's easier to see more detail of intentions and striving. I get a sense that I could rest there as long as thoughts aren't pretending to be consciousness.

Note: MBTI and Schemas are just mental wiring that is long lasting. I don't view it as a self.

I'm tuning into consciousness regularly but there are still habit formations that need to be dealt with by doing differently despite rigid schemas that might takeover. The typical schemas are Abandonment/Instability, Mistrust/Abuse, Emotional Deprivation, Defectiveness/Shame, Social Isolation/Alienation, Dependence/Incompetence, Vulnerability to harm or illness, Enmeshment/Undeveloped self, Failure, Entitlement/Grandiosity, Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline). Failure is the biggest schema I have to deal with, though I'm sure that everyone has a little bit of everything one time or another in their lives. The difficulty is that in the past I would equate Failure = Performance = Self-worth. The correct way I should be thinking is Failure = Performance and no more. There are also other beliefs that I don't believe in but still animate me from habit. That is the fear of success. I've always hated the envy of others and found it so bothersome whenever I succeeded at anything. Even just simply walking home with a pizza box from a restaurant is enough to have some people comment "Oh! Is that pizza? MMMMM" in an addictive almost hostile way, and that used to drive me up the wall. Now other people's envy doesn't bother me as much but the past botherings created a habit of avoidance because I don't want to have to deal with the consequences of showing pleasure/enjoyment/happiness in front of others. I don't want to deal with romantic relationships that will tend in the addictiveness -> envy -> hostility direction either. Yet in order to function properly and not be isolated I have to stoically face these weird, confused, and possibly dangerous people.

I know I haven't achieved stream-entry in the classical sense of fading senses up to the 8th jhana and letting go effort in a Shikantaza mode and losing the consciousness aggregate briefly. I do know that consciousness is impermanent so there are no beliefs that thoughts can glom onto as being "consciousness". I feel there is no self in my entire experience precisely because consciousness just KNOWS (with zero personality characteristics) and that's there all the time when I'm awake. Again I have to make it clear. People should just look at an object to register that the object is being known right now to really see what a mental note should be. This knowing can note anything that hits consciousness and doesn't require verbal word noting which could turn into a disassociated meditator thought concept that is fixated over objects (which means stress). You could be in an embarrassing situation and the consciousness passively knows this. It's the thoughts that create the commentary which will make you feel good or bad depending on whether you like or dislike the thought.

This morning I just laid in bed tuning to what consciousness knows which to me IS meditation and can be done all day. The thoughts rush at you and like Daniel says as they pretend in a child like way to be all the things that consciousness perceives. It's even a little dreamlike and bullshit in the way it does it. In my mind (much like a visual movie projection on a screen of consciousness/knowing) I briefly saw a waiter stare at me in dramatic seriousness in some outdoor bistro environment and say "you need to go do that!". My brain just laughed thinking "what the fuck is that shit?" So one thought formation was able to laugh at another one. The second thought that was laughing was also known to consciousness and even though it seemed to have a gravitas of a self more than the dream like apparition it was still known nonetheless. That gravitas is starting to remind me of what Nick talks about in terms of emotional "weight". That's why tuning into consciousness with as much continuity as possible is so important and an entire day of being with what is known while getting on with your life will do more than small sits each day.

It's true that the mind goes off in thoughts sometimes for an extended period but that's okay. It's the old comfortable habits that cause the problem and that can rear their heads even if you've meditated a lot and have many moments of peace. In order to change behaviours after the stress is gone requires more action to create new wiring to develop useful skills which will be needed no matter how unaddicted a person can get.

Failure Schema:





Goals:



Strategies:

Just continuing with any noting of what's hitting consciousness while at work. I just added Nick's advice on familiarity and it definitely did something. As I reinforced the mindfulness every time some familiar ANYTHING appeared in my thoughts the energy built up bit by bit until it was so explosive and feeling slightly dangerous that I thought my head would explode. The happy feelings were so intense and massive like a volcano of happy electricity shooting out of my head it was like one part of my brain (the conceptual part?) had trouble believing what was happening and wanted to continue with the same flat tone/mood/equanimity and it was nudged from that and acquiesced to the energy. The fabrications did subside somewhat (except for the new Arcade Fire song grooving in the background) and after an hour the energy started to subside further. I felt normal but like some wiring changed a little and the extra energy was too much to control with concentration. My speed at work recovered when I calmed down. There was too much restlessness. My feet were tapping like I had 5 cups of coffee most of the morning. I continued this practice all day feeling quite happy for no reason other than mindfulness and only now my brain is tired. My familiarity habits returned slightly at the end of the day but hopefully as I keep at it I'll get relief for longer and push them out further. It's really important to note slower (without labels) and really taste the reality hitting consciousness. I guess brain staleness is the target now after this experience. It was like a happy FUCK YOU! from one side of the brain to the other (amygdala? Not sure)

It's disconcerting that when the brain sends out negative thoughts and you can really feel how it will effect your ability to make choices in a very dangerous way. Just one negative thought is enough to make you give up or go into a mood. It's almost like an animal is sabatoging your brain. My brain is in normal energy territory today but I get the elation back by noting longer notes and really tasting the experience in my body fully. Staccato notes is not consistent enough. Adding warnings that there's too much familiarity creates a reminder to continue with the mindfulness. It's very hard at times when doing conceptual work.

I did a meditation run today which really was just running and not much else. The only thing different I did was add some schema therapy (pros and cons of actions after affect naturally passes away) throughout the day and got some work done but while I was running I added some of Nick's advice on "why". Instead of watching equanimously things arise and pass away I would interrupt the thought stream with "why?" since many of the thought streams still had some affect even if it didn't bother me much, but it was refreshing to return to now instead of letting the mind go off willy nilly. There was a little pressure in the skull when this happened so I'm hoping this is deconditioning rambling thoughts instead of conditioning them. If it feels healthy and good I'll just keep doing it. Some of this reminds me of the AF flowchart Tarin did except it's laughably smaller and probably more efficient but ultimately the same thing.

Today at work I got some more dark night symptoms of crabbiness but I was under control of it. I've seen it before and it's just aversion that is persistent. The asking of "why?" to disrupt repetitive thought habits has been helpful and I'm not asking the question verbally anymore since I can see the thought stream is onto something boring and repetitive and I just return to now to gain relief. It's really helping my insight disease in rehearsing dharma tactics endlessly. It's a reminder to prevent wandering and to enjoy presence. My concentration was quite good today. I'm not hitting as many ticks on my pomodoro technique sheet.

I know now that if I have a problem I'm having trouble solving, then that is precisely where the mind will lose it's composure more than any other time. The anger as usual is directed towards people who did not support me fully or were hostile on purpose to prevent my success. Per schema therapy it's okay to let that anger out but the relationship changes. It's more like I accept that these people treated me this way and that I'm right to be angry but there is no need to ask for redress or forgiveness on their part. I also have had lots of prior negative judgements from people and any closed door meetings in offices can trigger me to think another judgement is upon me. This time I understood what happened and realised that no matter how convincing (how reactive the amygdala was) I was still able to realise that there really was no danger. In the end there wasn't but now I'm not afraid of the reactivity since it's a survival instinct that can read facial expressions and situations for danger and that when it goes off inaccurately it's mainly because of bad past experiences. Self-compassion can now intercede. It means my emotions can be there and be released without a need to repress them or ruminate on them.

The thought formations are clearer than ever in my last sit. Ken's advice to not live a proxy life and Dan's advice that you cannot experience anything other than what is happening now is really getting me to understand the amygdala. Our daydreams are just proxy experiences because they trigger the "experience"/"amygdala" to react based on the thinking. So it's important to use the pre-frontal cortex and other brain areas to stay with the current data in the present moment to prevent the mind from going off into inaccurate amygdala piano-playing which will wreck your life. The amygdala is always running but the continuous attention is regulating it and making it more accurate. Daydreaming of pleasures and pains is just this proxy life just trying to manipulate your amygdala. When it succeeds in making you release dopamine and other pleasant chemicals it just wires the brain to do it more and more. Any kind of PTSD situations is just wiring that is so strong that any reminder of past traumas can trigger the amygdala negatively. Mental rehearsals for possible future conversations will definitely trigger the amygdala and that's something I still do but again the relationship to it is different now that I know why it happens and that I'm probably being too hyper-vigilant. Some rehearsal is necessary since for example you may have to go to court over something traumatic so the pain will be brought up again and again in order to prepare a case. You may have to debate someone or prepare to perform a skill. But if a rehearsal is just repetitive and not of use then it's okay to interrupt it with a query so it stops and the query is passive and inquisitive enough to prevent reactivity over reactivity.

Who's afraid of the amygdala?



My Shikantaza sit today was quite good. Just letting things show themselves and my relationship to vedana is improving. If some uncomfortable twitch from blood movement in the leg appears I can just watch it's impermanence with less reactivity. Small pains in the body are embraced. The brain started getting fast strobing pulses that were pleasant and the whole body was in rapture and pulses. The difference is that it wasn't a concentration state where I was solidifying anything and so the bliss was much better and earworms disappeared (though they come back pretty clearly) but everything feels fine and heavenly. Just even trying to force a jhana was slightly painful and the brain could make a comparison with just letting it be versus holding onto a mindstate.

I tried out as I promised Fitter Stroke's practice with concentration and intentions. I did this and I didn't get into jhana but it didn't matter as it helped greatly in dealing with negative schemas. I got a lot of work done on my project and can't wait to do this again. Mixing this with metta will be my next step as per Shinzen's focus on the positive. Negative emotions had very little hold. The only way forward for me is to do this while dealing with long-term projects. Positivity is action and negativity is paralysis.

More thawing is happening again. Coming out of my car from work I was just with the sensations even to how wind feels on my eyes. The sense of self continues to be like the thoughts but the mind or (consciousness) is naturally withdrawing from the mind-stream to what's happening phenomenologically now. It's like a gentle resting in the body with little bits of bliss and beautiful rest. Every time I get caught up in thoughts it's feeling more and more like a shocking waste of time and a neglect in how nice now can feel when you are a healthy human being with no major disabilities or chronic pain. I don't want to take it for granted.

I got a little stuck in the past few days. I haven't wanted to do anything except just noting when I started using Ken's app. I talked to Beth to look for more depth in my noticing and I need a little more consistency. Along with noting "attention", and "intention" I can see more "reflecting", "confusion", "equanimity", "planning", "strategizing", and "imagining". Naturally after some imagining happens more stress appears. My mindfulness today was a little tighter now. I don't have to look for vibrations because if you note about once per second they're there. More detail + more consistency = more relief.

I'm reading The Method of No-method The Chan Practice of Silent Illumination to improve my Shikantaza. I'm finding the noting method beneficial to keep things going but there's always a little tension or headache that results from it. By switching between the two practices I'm getting good results. The noting can deal with difficult things you have trouble seeing and the Shikantaza can alleviate the tension while still noticing what's happening.

For example if I worry about the practice I could note worry, but I could also do nothing and watch "worrying" thoughts. By noting first and then seeing the same phenomenon and doing nothing I get the same result without the tension. This has further made my self-referencing habits weaken and a newer freedom is appearing. I'm even more normal than before but with a complete acceptance of what is in the thinking department, so even if I'm lost in thoughts just being aware that it's happening is enough and just getting on with life. Thoughts about progress, how to practice, checking if it's working, are just more sensations so the rest is deeper and the letting go is deeper. Sometimes noting "worry", "doubt", "confusion" along with purposefully relaxing the body and then noting "relaxation" can turn you back to where you need to be.

One thing I like to do at work now is just starting the Shikantaza practice by noticing the vibrations in body (in a very light way) and watching the mind move in habitual directions. It's like you can feel a tension in the skull moving in different habitual directions but you don't do anything except be aware. The perceptions and clinging can just relax. The vibrations touch the atmosphere and that's the anchor and the tension of mind has nowhere to feed.

There's more to learn as I find mindfulness disappears when talking to people but now when I finish conversations and I get self-conscious about whether it was a good conversation or not it is helping me to not care if I run out of conversation or if my jokes aren't funny enough. Mindfulness can also disappear when enjoying entertainment. When thoughts go negative, interrupting the thought stream with "why?" can also keep the mind from forgetting how interesting the moment is. Conceptual space is still pretty solid and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

Okay here again a tidbit from Daniel for someone else is helping my practice.



Throughout the day I've been tuning into the vibrations and granular structure of things and whether it is there or not. When it's not, there's already a tension and clinging that has arisen. The thoughts about practice and any narratives already produce a small tension and solidification. With a marker like "vibrations", and "grain" it's easier to let go sooner. Lots of big issue stuff came up today and it was even easier to recognize the beginning of the fabrications and just let them go sooner. Again the normality is increased but the act of the brain to leap out into different times (future/past) can be seen to be slightly stressful and tuning into the vibrations in the sense doors can relax the tensions before they become fullblown. By noticing more and doing less there is ironically more control. The need for verbal noting seems so archaic now because it's not as fast as noticing small rapid changes that are happening all the time. Even thinking about typing the experience can cause a little solidification but just tuning into the bare attention (without a forceful push to do so) relaxes the tension.

Doing a 1 hour sit I can definitely see how a Shikantaza or Rigpa practice can get into jhanas by accident if the solidification progresses into an absorption. Any mental wandering is being disidentified and now flickering attention and intentions to pay attention is now being disidentified. No-self is becoming clearer now that subtle clinging can be seen. Clinging about the practice creates some of this solidification so it's easier to let go of that as well because the same tension is recognized. The brain feels like it has nowhere to go and nothing to do so the relief is there and muscles (especially the head) are more relaxed. It's like a cocoon of vibrations.

If the mind is thinking about a like there's usually a tension because I don't have what I like now, or I enjoyed it and it's gone. That's why the tension is so pervasive.

When I'm like this it feels like a steady equanimity without a jhana. As the senses started fading it took a while for them to come back and sharpen again. In order to fade my senses into a cessation will take a lot longer than 1 hour. LOL!

Another nice old Burbea talk on awareness:

The Nature of Awareness

It's another reminder to go deeper. My equanimity is getting so smooth but deceptive. It's also interesting how narrow the equanimity is in the beginning when you first get there and when you're about to give up sometime later it's so wide with less push and pull you think you're done. Yet awareness is aware of awareness.

Today at work I was at (what should have been a nerve wracking job interview) but I acted strangely non-chalant because of the experience I had just a couple of hours before. For the past few days I've been just enjoying my mindfulness of the body and really feeling what it's like to have a torso, arms, legs, etc. What happened was that I could notice the sensations of thoughts just as effortlessly. Sensing thoughts felt the same way as what sensing an arm feels like. For a brief moment the sense of separation was almost all gone. Even when it returns it's not all that much. After the interview I still did cling a little rehearsing what I could have said different etc and that's where noting can bring you back.

What's allowing this to happen is seeing deeper into perceptions and because I'm self-referencing less about the practice. For a long time I was still self-referencing a lot with practice and when that habit finally starts going is when things get even better.

Hey, I've been reading through some of your posts and also I have an interest in shikantaza. I am wondering what your take is on the difference between Shinzen's description of shikantaza and other descriptions that emphasize more effort.

In addition to Shinzen's style, I have seen the practice taught as simply setting the intention to be here and avoid getting lost in thoughts, but adding no more structure. In my own experience this can actually be a lot higher effort than "doing nothing" but letting going of effort when it is noticed. Alternatively, the way I often have practiced is to apply effort to continuously notice some sensation that is occuring in my awareness, sort of like noting but without the notes. This can be even higher effort.

For some reason, even though I have obtained higher states of awareness using Shinzen's technique in the past, I naturally incline towards the practice styles that are higher effort because I am worried that I am not getting anywhere when I just "do nothing," which is likely a flawed reasoning but hard to get around. In my own experience with Shinzen's technique, a large part of its power is the fact that it goes completely against the grain of the desire to "get somewhere" in the first place. Another issue I run into with it is I haven't really seen any other teacher talk about his style of shinkantaza, as it seems like other sources do advocate more effort.