Just organizing what I've done so far and creating a practice thread.

Okay I've been doing many different practices: Noting "arising of thoughts", "gone", staying as "shinkantanza" (do nothing), "viewing all senses at the same time", "jhana jogging", "no-self" 2nd gear KFD concentration practices. They all work in their own way.

I started off with horrible concentration and after months of practice with audiodharma.org audio streams and in 2008 I got a first jhana. I started insight practice after that but it was weak and more like concentration instead. I started noticing that 2nd and 3rd jhanas with piti and sukkha while I was attempting vipassana. Once I got to noting more consistently (after being recommended to this site:grin, I could just let go of the noting in the later part of the mediation sittings and hook up with the vibrations of the senses. Once that happened there was a shift where I thought my head would explode (probably A & P). Continuing to note I still didn't feel any dark night symptoms until I noted more accurately the 3 characteristics. The noting was too much focused on impermanence and ignoring not-self, and especially dissatisfaction. Once I started noting dissatisfaction after every mental striving a lot of my habitual enjoyments and negative mental habits were appearing obsolete due to the obvious dissatisfaction. This dissatisfaction lasted at least 3 weeks earlier this year. Once I started noting at work more, shifts happened and there was a gradual feeling that I could get relief while noting the most unpleasant emotional arisings. This became more confident even when dealing with difficult people (Cluster B types ).

This site helped with understanding no-self along with 2nd gear practices:

Anatta

Once equanimity started appearing it was like bursting for air in a sunny ocean after being down in the murky depths. The feeling of sanity was very encouraging. It was so encouraging that I started getting lazy. The equanimity was literally vibrating in my skull and the reactive part of the mind loved to go dormant giving the senses more vibrancy. The equanimity left me satisfied before, during and after fun activities. Yet this equanimity fades and has to be regenerated. I fell into reobservation which was 10 times worse than the dark-night experiences I had before. Thankfully they only lasted a couple of nights and equanimity would return again and again feeling more natural. Reobservation still happens but it's more like a vague unease or restlessness that reappears but with less force than before.

Now more recently looking at Nick's blog and some of his comments plus Tommy's experiment and I was getting a little confused while using Shinzen Young's instructions for Shinkantanza "just sitting" (which are similar but slightly different in approach) to just staying with all your senses at the same time. Both of these practices have been a help. With Shinkantanza I can let habitual thoughts go where they please and I ended up concentrating up to equanimity instead. I knew that wasn't really the practice because there's still too much habitual concentration intention. Now with applying the same practice but allowing all the senses to appear as they are at the same time it's easier to see the meditative striving for meditative states being similarly stressful as any other mental striving.

So yesterday I decided to return to basic noting (despite wanting to avoid it as too much striving) with the knowledge in the prior paragraph. Before I noted I just easily let go of any striving and stayed with all the senses (including taste) and then started noting. As I started noting I could tell when a new thought was arising but as the thought started it was very weak and then I noticed that the senses were still clear in awareness during this arising. When the thoughts made more thoughts and got more intense then they would start obscuring some of the senses. While noting the arising and the passing away a sense of elation started coming back again. So my practice now will be focused on staying with the senses first and then noting cessations or allowing shinkantanza. The noting nudges me in the right direction despite some interference with awareness.

Nice insight.

Just a clarification. I may have talked using those words before : "staying with the senses'. Although helpful to see it as action of forced 'staying' in the beginning to a degree, but ultimately there may be a linguistic trap here. The word 'staying' can subtly manifest into 'trying' to stay with the senses and that is actually the opposite of what one does when triggering recognition of apperception in my experience. With 'trying', the mind then selectively segregates the field of experience into 'parts' to pay attention to, when apperception has no segregating going on at all. The 'trying' aspect is the mind trying to grasp at some aspect /part of experience. Aaaaaah, apperception, I want to perceive you!

Apperception does not have that grasping quality, so to cultivate recognition of it, pure sense contact as it arises should be simply 'recognised' as it arises, rather than 'stayed' with. This word is less likely to lead the mind into 'trying', although it could....'trying to recognise' may occur. Being aware of the 'trying' overlay is useful as it arises.

Nick

I agree. "Stay" would be the wrong word. After last night it's clearer to me that what we normally look at as the self is like you say: a zooming in on phenomena to look for what is to like or dislike. All thoughts feel like they have a wanting behind them and it's clear how pervasive habituation really is and how impersonal many decisions are and how foreign some reactivity is when you're clearly looking at it. Just allowing the reactivity to subside and let the senses (which are already working) come to the foreground on their own illuminates the remaining tension that's there. That remaining tension just feels like wanting without any particular object which is quite dangerous in the wrong environment. I have more respect for how much of a dark veil strong emotions are. Just thinking about a hateful person in my past and exacting revenge is a perfect way to blow mindfulness out of the water. That book by Thich Nhat Hanh "Understanding our mind" and how he uses gardening as a metaphor for developing new habits is the key. Developing a habit of a peaceful mind and making choices and actions based on a clear mind over and over again will atrophy the old habits (probably not completely) and strengthen the new habits. There are only two ways I can see now. You have to either develop a strong desire to change habits (which is exhausting mentally) or conserve energy from wasted mental movements and use them towards those same worthwhile goals.

There's still enjoyment in noting and it's important to note with more subtlety so one is not in a "meditation practice" but just getting on with life. Relax the body fabrications and then relax the mind fabrications to allow the clear seeing. At this point I don't see wanting disappearing so it makes sense to then find something that's worth wanting:

Yogi toolbox Good Practice



Venerable Ayya Khema



Yogi toolbox Lifestyle Approach



Never mind! That answered my question. Wow what an embarrassment of riches.

Shinkantanza 1 hour: Allowed all the senses to be as they are. It seems to work in a reduction of mental stress. The trick is to avoid intending or trying to stop automatic thoughts. The only weird thing was that in a diffuse focus I couldn't feel my hands. Once you focus on them they come back. I'm noting all day. Noting is improving by staying with the vibrations of experience (95%) and then noting 1Hz (5%).

Noting Vanishings 1 hour: Getting used to this is difficult but I can see the value of it. I used the breath as an anchor to note "gone" when the breath changes from in to the out breath and if sounds like traffic subside I note that as well. When thoughts pass away I note the vanishing. The challenge is not to note arisings and allow them to be in the background. I find this practice is better at showing no-self vs self for me. When a thought arises or a scenario is imagined (like conversations with others) the sense of self is quite strong. When thoughts are gone it's back to the senses. There's a sense of clinging to thoughts when focusing on noting vanishings. It's like I'm impatient to wait for the thoughts to vanish but the Papanca is addictive and forceful. As I got used to it there was a powerful jhana and plenty of tranquilizing restfulness. The thought interruptions still had a agitated quality like they were interfering with the pleasing restfulness. With more practice this will get smoother.

Noting Vanishings 1.5 hours: Trying to note "vanishings" from fine vibrations in the body and vision. Had to note "frustration", and "dissatisfaction" along the way. The thoughts intervened regularly but were noted and abandoned. There were some drop outs 1/2 an hour into the meditation. That was rough. The vibrations were so fast I tried too hard. The face was tense and had to be relaxed a couple of times to reduce strain.

Did a little bit of retooling.

1 hour Great perfection (let senses appear in foreground)/Shinkantanza (let go of intentional noting)/HAIETMOBA (only note total experience):

Big relief. As I started with the above instructions in order the jhanas started appearing on their own with no object other than awareness. My brain likes to talk about the dharma and describe the experience so mental noting was replaced with HAIETMOBA which is like noting all sensations at the same time and that pure equanimity that first blew my mind a month ago came again except with little effort necessary and a feeling of normality like I'm getting used to it. The only concentration necessary is to ask "How Am I Experiencing This Moment Of Being Alive?" when the mind wants to describe the experience. The beauty of HAIETMOBA is the computation power needed to do it is less than basic noting. Of course when noting is done properly then I expect all the practices lead to the same result. My vision was a little distorted like having doors warp and melt. I was blinking but it happened even then because the concentration was so spot on. Once attention is allowed to include all senses the vision returned to normal. HAIETMOBA sends you into the senses much like quick noting so the brain feels a little bit of concentration tension but much less than with individual noting. The sense of self is still there but it feels like it's erroding. I'm just going to do this all day and as much as possible to see if there is any tiredness.

EDIT: This was a help also:

Yesterday the HAIETMOBA practice worked well but it must be constantly applied to keep the relief going. Anger disappears faster than when using mindfulness but it can also return fairly quick when the practice stops. There isn't much tiredness in this practice but when returning to conceptualization for conversations one has to remember to recultivate the practice to avoid more papanca.

1 hour cessation noting practice: Just allowed the natural senses to be in the foreground. I inclined the mind towards all vibrations and inclined the mind towards the gaps between vibrations and felt very restful throughout the day. There's still a little bit of addictiveness to the waves which may have to do with dopamine. The withdrawal symptoms are still less than in the past and despite feeling a little like...



...the mind lets go into tranquillity.

HAIETMOBA during hiking: I'm starting to understand how to equate thoughts as automatic along with the 5 senses. When thoughts and emotions arise there's less of a sense of trying to stop them. Once I'm rooted in the present moment the question HAIETMOBA isn't needed but just the answer. As emotions and thoughts happen automatically they quickly vanish and I don't identify with them as a self. Sometimes it's funny when an old mental habit or rumination appears. By feeling like those automatic thoughts are just fine there's no need manipulate anything. You don't add fuel but you don't stop thoughts.

Noting cessation practice this past week: The only difference now is that I can notice strong waves all over my body and especially in my head. They are pleasant but one almost feels like one's face is warping in and out.

Great perfection/Shikantaza/HAIETMOBA daily practice:

I find I get tired of this mindfulness a little less now and I can see the value of continuing to plow through the tired parts of the day with the same acceptance. It makes you reverent towards the power of habitual tendencies and to develop more dispassion for them. When doing this as a sitting practice I find that sitting with the vibrations as they get thicker and thicker the hindrances pull me in physical tension but let go almost like some external force is nudging me one way or another and I'm just looking at it instead of reacting to it. The labeling part of the noting is feeling more coarse now and I just want to drop it now and just see clearly with the senses what's there. I suppose "riding the wave" is a good metaphor.

When looking at thoughts it's like investigating the automatic senses and looking from that vantage point at thought habit tendencies. The feeling of "I" is very related to the thoughts for me. The practice relieves the stress via acceptance over anything that is there but the dispassion comes from finding the repetitive tensions annoying. If I eat enough but still get some cravings to eat more than I need to, I can also enjoy the pleasantness of feeling lighter and knowing that more fat will be burnt over night because I didn't indulge. I will notice at any uncomfortable sensations when I do fall off the wagon which is much better than judgment and guilt. It's always good to look at the pleasant ignored from the unpleasant and unpleasant ignored in the pleasant. There's more to the reality and desire and aversion is just zooming in on aspects and ignoring others.

I'm also losing a little weight because drinking water in place of just eating is often enough to kill the craving. When you're thirsty sometimes you can think you're hungry as well. This tactic is similar to the book The Power of Habit involving the habit cue. I learned to control nail biting by simply clipping my nails as soon as possible before I start gnawing on them. The habit tendency isn't gone but a healthy replacement ends the problem. If I drink water before I eat more carbs then the need to consume more carbs is greatly reduced.

There's also a subtle stress when the mindfulness lapses so getting in touch with the senses ASAP ends any papanca tendencies with mapping and meditation striving.

Shikantanza "do nothing" 1 hour: This is the practice I needed now. I think I have been repressing the thought process still too much with noting. By allowing all automatic thoughts and all natural senses without trying to add or subtract from anything from the experience was greatest relief for me so far. It was like watching a a kaleidescope of phenomena arise and passaway on its own. There is still a little bit of clinging left but that's because I haven't mastered this practice yet. The sense of self is retreating from the whole back of my head to just my top of the spine connected to my head.

Feeling great all day to day. The entire Shikantanza process is pervading my life. Aversion is down. Sanity is up. Thoughts (even bad ones) are okay. Everything seems okay. Tonight did another 1 hour of it. There was a pop in the back of the top part of my skull where time very briefly disappeared but I didn't get any bliss wave and I feel pretty good just like yesterday and today. My brain revved up some major 3rd eye pressure without any attempt to concentrate. Otherwise just more of the same which is just fine by me.

Shikantanza "Do nothing" practice: Allowing thoughts to naturally pass away along with everything else has been very powerful for me. I was house sitting recently and had nothing to do so I played a video game. You know when you suck at a level and you have to redo the entire level again and again? Normally that would cause agitation but by not repressing any thoughts (negative or positive) I could feel the tension like a muscle start to tense up but then I found it easy to get out of the way and let it let go automatically. There's nothing that needs to be "done". I've been allowing this to happen all day everyday and it feels like there's nothing for "me" to do. Desire seems so obvious now. I can just bring up images of something desirable and thinking about desirable details just creates increased desire. Then I think of some responsibility I'm procrastinating on and bring the desirable details of positive benefits of dealing with this responsibility and a new healthy desire replaces it. All that's left of the dukkka nanas is some chest anxiety or fear but it's much more attenuated now. Much of it is from thinking if there is anything more I should be doing. It's just more stuff that arises and passes away naturally.

2 hour vipassana noting: Trying to note and not stop thoughts was the goal for today. I got intermittent jhanas along with bright results in the retina, and the noting naturally dismantled the jhanas. The self definitely feels like thoughts. I will see an image of a future self and it feels totally fake. The self feels more like a dream than reality. I'm finding that gentler noting is the way to go and sometimes slower noting (like every 3-4 seconds) to really soak in the experience is helpful. I've also been doing some concentration practice on the sensations of the spine/neck/back of skull to zero in on the location of the self. It seems to loosen things up in that I'm able to notice my experience shake and vibrate with every heart beat, but I got strong 3rd eye pressures in the forehead that really distracted the practice. I need to relax the facial muscles a little more. Still the result is a nice warm vibrating feeling the mind with little stickiness.

I'm just walking around letting experience (including thoughts) arise and pass away. There's no real meditation. The only doing is making sure to pay attention to the senses while not stopping thoughts I'm also not allowing thoughts to proliferate so much that I check out of the present moment.

Just for fun I decided to do pure samadhi practice for an hour. I found that it was easy to stay with the breath and any cognitive interruptions didn't last long. It was like a teflon brain. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I got no jhana factors at all and I could tell the brain felt like it didn't need the practice and it just hurt my head with large 3rd eye pressure in the forehead. Even relaxing the tension while still practicing was painful (hello 3 characteristics!). The closest thing to a "jhana" now is simply doing the Shikantanza/Great perfection/HAIETMOBA (whatever you want to call it) practice and enjoying the vibrations in the senses. I can get the same results with quick light noting practice. Even those nice feelings are not something to attach to. They are starting to feel a little crude. It's almost like your brain likes basic table wine, but then when you try above average wine the basic won't do. I'm assuming when I try outstanding wine then the above average won't do either.

The next step is to keep presence in the senses all day and especially when on the computer, reading, working, and talking to people. I can still "checkout" and attach to thoughts in those activities so more clear seeing is needed to get back to reality.

Reading test with Shikantanza: I had a novel that I started some time ago that I didn't get very far into. I decided to pick it up again. There was a little avoidance but I just remembered how the present moment is just that, whether I'm reading or doing anything else and the aversion naturally came and went. Then I started. In the past I would use concentration practice to repress thoughts and try and read but of course repressing thoughts makes the reading very sterile and lifeless. At the time it seemed necessary to block out thoughts because the mind could go on a tangent which would also reduce the quality of the reading.

This time I just allowed thoughts to gently arise and pass away. This allowed more depth of understanding and more patience to look up unheard of vocabulary (I was reading a Patrick O'Brian novel with lots of nautical terms). When I did get caught up in thoughts it was usually when I read something that reminded me of myself or people I know (self-referencing). I allowed those thoughts to come and go but I didn't add to them so I was able to get back to it pretty quickly. Some aversion sometimes comes in because the mind likes to start something but not to finish it. Just letting that aversion come and go on its own relieves it. After about 1 1/2 hours I could feel the tiredness coming in. The aversion picks up and here I can see taking a break makes sense and then returning replenished I'm able to continue. The aversion I think comes from not accepting limitations but also not testing the limitations to see how much further one can go before one is truly tired. If one is throughly engrossed in an easy reading novel I can see them go on for hours reading but at the same time some difficult books can reward patience if one is willing to stick with it.

Next I want to apply the Shikantanza practice to actual intense studying and memorizing. In the past I would probably have to syke myself up and power through it despite the reactivity (very painful). Or study with no breaks and bash the self-image if I didn't continue farther. It'll be fund to try/not try while studying. To study without a goal would be valuable.

Note on old habits: I used feel sorry for myself a lot in the past and just recently I tried going in that same direction again. This time my tears were a lot less, the pain was less and the clouding of experience reduced. It lasted maybe 30 seconds and then I'm back to normal again. It seems freakish but at the same time quite healthy. This makes getting into a positive mood much easier. For those just starting on the practice after around 4-5 years (sooner if you do retreats) it really does get better.

Shikantanza: It's getting easier and easier to dwell in the senses. Some recent troubles with family members that recur regularly are now feeling less of a bother. I get less worked up. The drama is less engaging. I'm also noticing that fear and inhibition is starting to weaken in a more noticable way. I seem to care less and less what people think of me, and (even better) I care less and less what "I" think others think of me. In the past I could feel a harsh reactivity in the chest when thinking about the judgments of others and now I'm identifying less and less with it. The rest and elation is becoming less explosive and more normal. When I think about things I would like to achieve in the future, I'm more interested in what I'm doing about it now. I need less instant gratification.

Shikantanza: I think I had a turning point last night. I continued the practice as usual but I noticed that letting go is becoming much easier. I saw non-conceptually that 99% of my internal thinking and talk is about likes and dislikes even in indirect ways. By letting go of having to like or dislike anything it led to a jhana like experience except with no effort. The experience was so beautiful I was crying tears of joy with gratitude and relief. It was like the best clear indication of the three characterisitcs except with this practice there was nothing to do and nothing to achieve. Just let go. Unfortunately the experience was so overwhelmingly good that my brain wanted to conceptualize it and rehearse the results. Of course I let that go to and I want to keep letting go all day. I have to be careful because this letting go wasn't something that had to be done it was done all by itself simply by clear seeing. This was just a beautiful taste but the new habit has to take time to settle. The only real effort in this practice is to use willpower to keep seeing just for the sake of it. The concentration object (if I can even call it that) is just awareness or nothing. I didn't have to "concentrate" on it. It just happens on it's own. The last layers of fear and inhibition are starting to crack.

The experience is like AUTOMATICALLY letting go of something painful simply because it isn't necessary to function normally. The letting go also has a refreshing feeling of "there is nothing to need". Of course the "I" wants to feel like this all day but the "I" must be reminded that it is not needed to do this. There is also something deathlike in that I feel more and more accepting of death and imperfection in life. The near feeling before this nice experience is "I'm okay in just dying right here" except it's not suicidal but just deep acceptance that death is a natural part of life.

EDIT: This might be 4.2/4.3/4.4 Equanimity according to Daniel's Jhana/Nana table. At least the descriptions feel right.

Richard, your thread is excellent and packed with good information and insights. Your descriptions are spot-on, and your practice looks really strong.

Try just turning that lens of investigation back on that sense of "I", see how it's not present in that instant of clarity, how it only happens after the fact and how it can be seen to go into cessation the same as anything else.

I'm probably still enjoying the equanimity to the point of distraction. Scanning the entire skull makes the location of the self move but not really dissolve, but with that clarity in a higher equanimity it's hard to "do" anything like looking at the self behind the eyes when less doing is what gets you to equanimity in the first place. I still have to reconcile this with what AEN's book states regarding realization versus experience. Also that post above from Thanissaro Bhikkhu on how to not let desire to eliminate desire and aversion also become a point of moisture of craving. It leaves me to do nothing but on the other hand there is still a doing in just paying attention.

Try the self-enquiry method and, rather than "scanning" just observe, in the cool ease of Equanimity, how the mind seems to bring all these different sensations together to create this idea of a self; there's no such thing as a self to be found anywhere, it's just the aggregates coming together to create an imagined, continuous and permanent "I". Rather than looking for it to "dissolve", see how there's nothing solid to it in the first place, just more of the same transient dance of sensation as everything else seems to be made from. As you're already aware, there's no "doing" as such but don't get complacent while in Equanimity 'cause what you need to see clearly is already happening with spacious, crystal clarity 'in front' of you right here and now. Use it to your advantage!

I've been really busy with work but what you said is how I'm slowly progressing. I find that when I get caught up in thoughts now the senses can be even more of an anchor and the thoughts are passing away now and I feel more identified with the senses as opposed to identified with the thoughts. It's like I think a series of thoughts (including mildly negative self referencing) and I just let it run out of it's own steam and and my senses return to the foreground. Sometimes I return to the senses with a smile at what was being thought. I even returned to a bit of noting as a reminder to let the senses be the foreground.

Current practice is still developing more dispassion and disenchantment. I'm starting to get to what Nick was talking about in not zooming in to subjects. I feel like the 2 modes of "self" are credulity and incredulity. I'm incredulous to a "self" when I allow all the senses to be the foreground, and credulous to a self when I'm describing my experience or being lost in thoughts. The best description I can give is that when I notice the granular structure of my vision I feel more hemmed in like slightly 2 dimensional, and reality doesn't seem so real. The reality is hitting my senses in the present moment and is not distant at all and the feeling of expansiveness and reaching out in distance to the 3 dimensional sensual world is my conceptual self doing it's usual dwelling and searching for likes and dislikes. I'll just keep on with this Shikantanza practice because it's still yielding more insights. There's still a little more pain left when I start enjoying the present moment and the self wants to dwell on likes and dislikes as I try to reach out via projections. Of course I just let it go on it's own steam. I'm not sure if my practice is still too repressive. I feel less repressive than before though, which is encouraging. When I go for a jog and just be with my automatic senses my experience is a little "strobing" and "movie like" in my vision. There's also a feeling that I can just stay closer to thoughtless for longer periods of time. The elation of being just in the senses is getting more normal but still quite exquisite.

I went on vacation recently and it helped a lot. Getting out into nature helps to atrophy old day to day habits so when you come back you start making some changes. During long drives I listened to the Happiness Advantage by Achor and it helped out with one problem I had with the depletion of willpower for changing habits. I've been wanting to exercise more but always fail to do so. The example to change that scenario by Achor was to sleep in your gym clothes. The problem with willpower is that it drains but what I got from that famous willpower book was that you were supposed to strengthen it. The problem with that is while you're doing it what are you supposed to do in the meantime?

By sleeping in my gym clothes the path of least resistance is to go exercise as opposed to changing into other clothes. The author wanted to learn guitar but in order to do that he had to use his 20 second rule by removing the TV controller batteries and moving them 20 seconds away to make it painful to watch TV and then by putting the guitar and stand in the living room the path of least resistance was to practice guitar playing. I currently have added an RSS feeder program to news so I just open the program and quickly see the headlines and only read what I want to and it's saved a lot of time. I used to be addicted to reading tons of news I didn't need to. Make it easier to do the new habits by removing obstacles and add obstacles to old habits. One shouldn't have to rely on willpower alone.

On the meditation front I found a larger realization that the I really am just the senses and that the sense of I in the past was just concepts arising and passing away. It feels more natural and normal now to just be in the senses and then to pick and choose which arising thoughts are worth following and letting the rest just drop away. It's almost like my skull is feeling hollow of self while still feeling okay. The less "I" do about it the better.

EDIT: Shinzen Young's explanation on how the sense of self behind the eyes in equanimity is also conceptual is starting to make more sense now.

2 hours of Shikantanza/some noting "gones": Some of the last realization (which happened more with presence during daily life) is filtering into my meditation practice. Equanimity is starting to get boring. Even if mental interruptions and dispassion is handled easily my brain is seeking out more clarity by looking at the endings of thoughts in particular. When the thought ends I'm back into the senses with lots of presence. This is similar to what Eckhart Tolle says about viewing the pauses between thoughts. Yet it's better if the brain finds this true because it desires to relieve pain than to simply follow a meditation practice. Any prior mental talk about meditation gets dropped as well. The suffering is still there in equanimity but because it's much less than before it requires more consistent comparision between being lost in thoughts and being here now with all my senses. The constant comparison shows the brain the subtle pain that's there that should be let go of. Even though I feel damn good the small dark night reminders (old weakened mental habits returning etc.) tell the brain that more refinement is possible. It really is that question that Tarin used for his AF chart. "Do I want to think about this or be in the present moment?" Except this question is asked without words or concepts. It's just feeling subtle agitation while lost in thoughts and letting go into the senses over and over again and getting that little bit of relief over and over again.

There's definitely more of a shift that's becoming habit and being introduced into work. I find that dependent origination is easier to notice. When my brain is thinking about something really interesting the addictive part of the amygdala starts up and the mental talk/clinging gets revved up and the attention focus feels solid. Now that it's easier to let go more often my work patience has gone up a lot. The self referencing feels ridiculous and the brain can now see it isn't necessary to do that constantly. Rote work is becoming less boring. By being in the senses more the separation between me and the atmosphere feels a lot less. Sometimes when driving home it feels like I'm watching someone else's hand on the wheel. As soon as the brain starts getting caught up in thoughts I can detect the slight pain of likes or dislikes and it makes more sense to just come back to the natural senses. The most important part of this is that it's feeling more normal and not a mind state.

well said

This particular quote from AEN's book is really helping me to get away from subtly manipulating thoughts. There's more room to allow thoughts without feeling guilt if there's a lot of thoughts. Less pain is good.

Also instead of asking myself "Who am I?" I find it better to watch my mind get lost in thoughts, then let go of clinging and then ask "was that a me?"

This is really working. Today I felt just present and coreless for most of the day. I can let go of my "self" as just being more thoughts while feeling completely normal and not in any state. If there's clinging it's easier to let go now. Staying with people and their conversations is easier and when my mind does get lost there's no guilt because it just arises and passes away because of conditioning, and also it isn't a me. Thoughts aren't an interference. Concentration is vastly superior this way.

Awakening to reality quote:

Richard,
Sounds Great!
I think I've had similar experiences by the sound of your descriptions. AEN pointed me to a Shinzen Young video which has been helpful:Do Nothing meditation
I can really relate to the feeling of no guilt when the mind wanders, since starting with the "do nothing" meditation I've been shocked at how much I try to manipulate my experience and suppress thought. When it works and I "do nothing" I feel incredibly open, light, energetic, and free, experiencing what AEN refers to as "I Am".
Unfortunately it's been peaks and valleys with this. I really "let go" and feel great then I try to re-create it and the mental constriction returns trying to force an experience. The longer I meditate the more aware I become that I'm really uptight! lol! Whatever you're doing, keep it up!
My only suggestion would be to keep it relaxed and fun.

Metta,

Brian.

And thanks for the updates, it's nice to know someone else is in a similar spot.

Once that's done it's all about continued self-inquiry mixed with consistent mindfulness and letting go when clinging arises. The self-inquiry reminds you that there's no non-conceptual self and mindfulness lets you see the wisdom of letting go.

Where I am now with no self is that experiences and thoughts are known. This knowing doesn't have a substance or location. You can't grasp at it or conceptualize it. It just is. It's not solid. A thought of a "thinker" is just another thought. The "thinker" thought doesn't conceptualize other separate thoughts. It's just another thought. This is pretty fun, though there are deeper realizations.

I've finished An Eternal Now's book. I'm definitely impressed. Reminding myself to look at the self concept as only a thought has got me to look at my Shikantanza practice further. Focusing on experience can be tiring and does require more realization to make the practice more effective. I feel that there's still a little too much aversion to thoughts, but less so than before. Reminding myself during the day there's no self by actually viewing the self-referencing as simply more thoughts kind of hems you into the present moment while allowing thoughts in. It's comfortable without being disconcerting. There's of course still clinging but there's more temptation to let go of it to get the relief. I'm still a little worried about rashly pursuing "letting go" involving a self-concept. If realization of dependent origination (DO) (basically everything including yourself breaks down into smaller objects ad infinitum) is what is necessary to remove clinging then reminding myself of this throughout the day will be necessary. When clinging arises I'll have to remind myself of DO to see how the realization unfurls the clinging to then avoid repressing the clinging with a fabricated "letting go". Reminding myself about DO during aversion will be an interesting experience. To be disatisfied with activities or scenarios because of DO is more natural than to feel guilt and repress desire/aversion.

Awakening to reality:

Okay my Shikantanza practice has been changed with ruthless dependent origination reminders thoughout the day and during meditation. When sitting and doing nothing it's easier to get a handle on the vibrations in the senses and especially on the skin. When clinging/stress appears I just look at that as a sign that deep down the body believes in an inherent self. By understanding universal impermanence and letting go it's almost like instant relief and jhana factors start to rev up. The body sense appears to focus here and there while other parts of the body seem to disappear while the focus is somewhere else. In my sittings I'm feeling tingling sensations deeper in the throat and the back of the head. The sense of self appears to be a little version of me mimicking meditation while I meditate and is mimicking what I do throughout the day. This is definitely like the Wizard of Oz and pulling back the curtain. Similar to stories of the Buddha the brain assulted me with violent and super lusty female sexual images and movements doing it to me every which way and I just barely saw through them and didn't get lost in them. Psycho people were trying to shoot me with ridiculously scary smiles. Wow that was hard! You have to let go of everything. The Amygdala is packed with shit, lust, and over the top fears. That was almost overwhelming at times What's cool though is that there's more hope now that sexual desire and paranoid fears can be overcome with more practice. I can also see that with diligent mindfulness dieting might be more doable. You have to feel the aversion and craving and start letting go ASAP before the action takes place.

There was a point where the mind felt like it went into overdrive and the sense of self started to shrink like a collapsing star. Unfortunately there was some fear residue and the self narrowed to a singularity but didn't completely collapse. Seems like a near miss. Still I feel like I have replaced my butter knife with an exacto knife so I'll be continuing with this practice.

Day practice: After yesterday I've continued with the viewing of dependent origination on everything. Even viewing how my computer screen is made up of small parts helps with the letting go. As soon as any clinging starts appearing I remind myself of the impermanent nature of the object and it's easy to let go. Letting go repeatedly eventually leads to strong concentration and a peak experience but when the experience returns to normal a few hours later it's still a good experience. I can see how it can normalize. When I ran out of work I was given some extra work and coworkers were shocked at my lack of complaining. It's been the smoothest normal day in my life so far. No reason to stop letting go.

Similar smooth day today. The difference is that when old mental habits wanted to come back they weren't as powerful and I actually caught some wrong speech developing in my mind and some quick compassion came out that was unexpected and beautiful that prevented me from saying something unskillful. It's almost like even the thinking of it was unpleasant and it needed to be dropped. A couple of days ago my normal equanimity felt more like driving on a good solid road but with a few bumps and potholes. Now it's like driving on a newly paved road. Less sticky in DhO parlance.

I definitely recommend introducing dependent origination reminders before letting go of clinging. It smooths it out with small doses of dispassion. It works pretty quickly. Just think about the impermanence of everything in you and around you and see how everything is built from tiny particles and realize that clinging to anything that isn't permanently solid leads to the same result. I'll still have to see how this plays out at work. Right now people are projecting stress on my facial expressions that I don't feel. I'm also trying to fabricate some smiles which I can see (like Shinzen's focus on the positive) magnifies the enjoyment so I can savour the results of letting go of clinging. This is definitely a nice shift. The confidence comes from knowing that I know what to do if old negative habits come back. I can see there's still more room for dispassion to continue. Staring out of the window at work and it was natural to feel more non-dual. The scalp and facial muscles are relaxed.

I've definitely seen why the realization is necessary to be used as a reminder. As the peak experiences of concentration and mindfulness fade it's necessary to remind the mind when it clings that the impermanent nature hasn't suddenly gotten solid. It's like a little check that can be done that throws you back into a effortless mindfulness. As this is done the thoughts arise and pass away and can be clearly seen to not be a self. Also today I noticed that clinging is like layers. As you let go of different kinds of clinging the experience improves. I noticed that clinging to thoughts about meditation was something I could let go of and the ease and the effort to keep mindfulness during work improved. The senses get a little quiet or sleepy when it happens so I can see how the lights can go out when you let go of everything.

When practicing Shikantanza it's clear the impermanence side of things and letting go when there's clinging is also clear. The problem is no self. I find that there is endless commentary even in a subtle ninja creeping way. I'm good at mindfulness for the most part but the weakness is THOUGHTS. So I found some more techniques that will help me parse out the ME inside into more dependent origination.

This talk was very helpful in shining a light into the murkiness of thoughts. They are so fast and there are so many types.

Andrea Fella - Working with thinking and thoughts in meditation

Basically I will focus on this foundation of mindfulness to hopefully penetrate further. The preliminary step is to just count the thoughts as they occur (including thinking about the practice or thinking there are no thoughts) and as the clarity of which type of thoughts appear I'm going to label them. Eg. Sub-vocal (talking to myself or other repetitive commentary on anything, seeing (for projections), hearing (audio thoughts). If there are any rememberances of taste or smells (quite rare for me) I'll note them too. I also want to note my emotional reactions to the thoughts because that's often how they manifest for me and locate them on the body. Some craving or aversion starts up and quickly thoughts move around them but sometimes it's so quick that it's only the thoughts I'm noticing first.

I did about three hours of noting practice. It was still like Shikantanza but I started off looking at thoughts. Throughout the day yesterday I became more aware of the different kinds of thoughts specifically with counting and then noting the different types. Areas of weakness were very clear. I like to be "right" in mental arguments with people almost as a rehearsal and you can see a fake "me" projection practicing and rehearsing. Lots of angry results there but now I can note thoughts without stopping them. I just stop adding to them. This is a much better result. The clarity I've developed from previous vipassana practices make it easier. This morning during my longer sit I was actually just laying bed and started with the body vibrations even to the point of losing feeling in some body parts. Strangely the hands felt like a body "self" in that my mind could invent different locations for the hands to rest than they actually were. It's just another mental "self" that mimics reality but after some meditation time can do other things. I quickly moved up jhanas. The vibrations were nice because the letting go just makes it easier. It got to the point where the vibrations were so fast that it seemed solid. I was paying attention to thoughts of wanting results and thoughts of frustration but it was easy to let go. I can tell that I need to let go further. As I did it I got to a kind of equanimity that's a little "meh". It's very restful but the annoyance comes from expecting something to happen. Reminding myself of the Bahiya Sutta where senses are what they are and thoughts are what they are can show you how impersonal senses are and noting thoughts can vividly show how you can narrate your experience with a sub-vocal "self" which wraps around the senses. This is what I'm looking for. I could let that go and just try and let go of everything to develop a deeper rest.

Much more to come I'm sure. Letting go towards you-know-what isn't easy and requires time to get used to.

I think I'm getting back to normal again. I'm finding it hard to get more meditation in because I'm changing jobs and things are getting busy. The best part of the last few days is that reactivity is being seen more clearly. It's like dependent origination but basically the amygdala is blowing air into a thought bubble balloon that checks you out of reality. So I let go but I'm not in any mental state. I'm just normal. I just keep letting go and getting on with my day and activities. The mental desire and aversion is feeling more obsolete like it is just getting in the way with fear or useless distractions related to desire. If the reactivity is not intellegent enough to make good decisions it's because it's more equipped to a different lifestyle than in the concrete jungle. If I need to take risks then too much fear is just getting in the way.

The only change recently is that when reading my mind was very quiet on its own. Like "graveyeard quiet". It coincides with letting go. With attachment the brain is noisy and with letting go it's less noisy.

Just re-reading an article on the AEN blog which I didn't fully understand before but I do now, in regards to thoughts. BTW I recommend reading all of it:

Dialectic of reflection and presence







My experience of the above even while typing and thinking is that it's like the thought bubble fills in the gap of a lack of mindfulness. That's why it's hard to do because it's about maintaining it all the time but at the same time not blowing tons of energy with noting or fabricated concentration. Thinking while mindful feels so different than thinking without mindfulness.

So this connects the noters and non-noters with the same prescription to be present to all phenomena. As soon as the practice is objectified and attached to it's just another divide being created.



In the meantime if it's hard to keep being present during thoughts because of the speed of mental activity in work or other emotionally turbulent situations then proceed as follows:



Yet cognitive therapy will still have a sense of separation so one should keep going in the practice while not avoiding responsibilities:



And I can stay present in all this typing. I don't have to "own" the knowledge. The confidence comes from doing which is similar to the jhana factors in dealing with laziness & doubt.

Okay so I tried the new approach to let go of the past thoughts, future thoughts and even the present projections in a 2 hour meditation. I felt very good after this. Whatever negative mood I was in vanished. By squeezing myself down to the present moment as close as I could the mental formations were very jumpy and obvious to note. The jhanas didn't really appear and could barely start but that was okay. The concentration was enormous anyways. I could see how my mind was quickly (and quietly) moving into subtle thoughts on progress and analysis along with the usual interruptions. My eyes were open and some of my senses like vision and hearing were very clear. Any ear worms (which I get lots) vanished during this practice. To expand on the practice I started noting the aggregates I understand and I did this at a much slower pace. Just allowing the commentary to be there and to remind myself that the thoughts aren't a "me" which removes the stickiness of clinging.

With Tommy's suggestion I'll look into dependent origination in further detail and Greg Goode's Direct Path user guide which looks really meaty.

This current practice is changing already. I'm starting to get some fading with the letting go so some of the clarity is reducing. I remind myself wordlessly if what's happening is a "me" and the stickiness disappears. Also when adding the letting go I sometimes go up the jhanas but they don't last long because I don't lock into them. The letting go also creates a strange reaction with my eyes like they want to reverse with my skull and then a new jhana starts up and then fades.

I haven't been doing much meditation recently. I have lots of projects on the go. Reading The Direct Path by Greg Goode just keeps pointing back to the same consciousness that knows the senses and thinking. The clinging is going away more naturally. Watching Cloud Atlas just hammered in the point of interdependence and conceptual barriers but a movie only goes to the surface. Just the questioning of enlightenment and most phenomenal questions lead to that they are known. This creates a sense of wanting to abandon the questions (clinging).

I'm still continuing with the above practice and just switching between methods when I need to. Basically I just let go of mental preoccupation over unimportant thoughts and relax in awareness. When I get caught up I remind myself whether being caught is a "self", which of course it isn't. I try to see how my sense of time decreases as I let go. I sometimes go back to noting but I don't do it out loud and often don't use subvocalization or pictures of words. As soon as I feel any clinging or squeezing I just let go and surrender. I also let go faster because during meditation the body likes to move lots and the senses and desire/aversion components quickly want to zoom in on something.

Yesterday for the first time I meditated all evening. There were other things I could do but I just didn't want to do anything. When my brain is not zooming on anything my facial and cranial muscles are relaxed with no object to focus on. It's just relief. I didn't even get any jhanas but that was just dandy.

Okay my practice is still refining. I find when I lose mindfulness it's not just the lack of letting go but also the lack of concentration and metta. I've separated them for too long. When I meld the three together like under the Vimalaramsi method it can seem to include great anger and other dark emotions and flip it on it's head. I don't feel guilt when there's anger. I just let go because there is always some task that needs to be done. It's so practical it should be used constantly. When clinging just pay attention to emptiness and the let go. After that one should concentrate on a task and if there is enough relief one should smile and develop some basic metta. I'm so thankful. I still use the Gendlin Focusing method here and there when I feel there's a some procrastination going on. The subtle bits of clinging are so deep. They are like brain imprints that are waiting to manifest when mindfulness and concentration end.

Well I've changed from what I was like only a few months ago. I've just tried a basic concentration practice and found it easy to follow the instructions but I can't seem to get beyond the 1st jhana and even when that happens it's very light and my chest feels yucky and irritated. My arms can feel this way as well. With mindfulness I find that I just don't need jhanas and this means any attempt at classical cessation will have to be let go of since it needs deep samadhi to fade the senses. Even this 1st jhana I cultivated today, the left overs of this is slightly unpleasant and even remind me of when I loved the 4th jhana but could tell that I wasn't benefiting from it as much as I should have. It feels like the opposite of letting go. I just want to let go further and make it the only practice. I just want to sit there and do nothing.

Yet paradoxally I feel better than I have before. Even when dealing with difficult people and their judgmentalness I can tolerate it better than before. My presence sometimes softens their stance when I just take the instructions or corrections and just get on with the work. I sometimes feel like giving up on work but I just let that thought go and by the end of the day I feel totally different as my learning at work continues. Much of my improvement comes from disidentifying from any experience as a self and letting go to the point where the zooming in of my craving and aversion functions retreats back into my skull like a turtle back into it's shell. It's like I'm getting on with the day but brow is relaxed and there's no object to leap towards. This allows me to create more dispassion that I can continue to develop. I still have some food cravings that I indulge in but when I'm sitting in the restaurant I feel like "what the fuck I'm I doing here? Enough already! All you can eat is stupid!"

My experience is telling me "fuck cessation" and "direct path all the way baby!"

I guess if I keep declinging from all experiences as "self" that's all that matters. Even questions like HAIETMOBA and "Who am I?" felt overly compounded sometime ago. Real concentration to me feels like thoughts have to be allowed in and any manipulation or solidfying is terrible. I'm also enjoying having normal sleep without jhana after affects keeping me awake.

I don't know if anyone has gone through this and feels this is bad practice or good practice. I would appreciate some feedback.

I think the last post is an example of enlightenment attachment. I really do need to let go of everything. There's going to be habit blowback and that's just a part of the ride.

I really tested my willpower on food today. I don't believe in low carb diets etc but just to have less snacks. Basically the craving hits on cue about an hour after dinner. It is often triggered by watching TV or just a sense of comfort. The craving arises and then it passes away and you feel like "great that's all I need to do." But then it comes back again and then it goes away, BUT THEN IT COMES BACK AGAIN and so on for hours. There's no special trick. One has to tolerate cravings until they become less strong. If anything. Food cravings will be a good test of letting go.

Okay that experiment worked well. I didn't cave and was perfectly okay. The cravings stopped and you just get on with some other task. I want to do this everyday.

With a little help from The Direct Path from Greg Goode (Mind chapter) I got back to the "I AM" stage but this time it's more of a habit and less disassociative. It feels really good. I just basically brought the answers to the HAIETMOBA and "Who am I?" questions back but I didn't ask them. I just move to the answers. Throughout the day I found myself wanting to listen to people more and dig into the details without craving or aversion. The elation wasn't as big as in the past because it feels more normal and even more restful and nonchalant. I'm going to have to dig into this and keep being in my body and senses and letting go as the days go on. There's of course a tendency to attribute consciousness (the thing that stuff happens to that you can't detect :grin as a big self and I want to avoid pushing expectations on the "Self" to make arisings better. Choices/attention/mindstates are all known to the consciousness.

How this "I AM" stage is helping me is when I have mental interruptions I already know it's not a self and let go. So when I do work or other activities those hindrances do arise but they fall off quickly and there is no need to assess anything or feel bad that it arose but just to continue on with whatever activities are going on. Much better result than trying to stop thoughts. Any analysis like I'm doing now with this post is treated the same way. It is not a thinker or analyzer. It's just thinking or analysis. Clinging isn't necessary. So many of these problems don't need to be solved or will be dealt with in the future so large mental plans don't have to be outlined here and now.

Desire test: For the past few days I've eaten mainly fruits at lunch to improve my diet. The result was the usual cravings for fat and carbs. The feeling of desire has the way of taking you into thought bubbles and your body is already starting to move to the restaurant. Smells at work from other people's lunch pull you away again. By basically forcing myself to eat my lunch required some effort but once I got into it I felt full and perfecly okay because I wasn't bloated with greasy foods. I also brought a book along so I could get into something else.

Aversion test: Because I have to get up earlier to work my morning exercise routine got smashed to pieces. I forced myself to get back in the saddle by not using lack of time as an excuse. Even 20 min of exercise is better than nothing. I focussed on the aversion which appeared as cringing in the face and body. I relaxed it and continued noticing the exercise and tired feelings in the body change and move. In the end I can see how jhana factors are similar in mindfulness except it only took a few seconds to get rid of laziness and doubt. When trying to finish books that you have abandoned due to laziness. I also just stay with reading the words (no matter how slow) with no skipping until the story starts grabbing me again. It results in the same jhana factors. The speed of the reading starts increasing and you are in there again. If you finish a chapter and feel the laziness to start another one, you continue doing the same thing.

I'm going to focus on aversion now and add more aversive (but useful activities) to the day.

Exercise was fun this morning. I can see how something like exercise could be done without a self image or pride boosting. You have more energy to do work but it's more about the result. The ego doesn't get the reward but it's okay. Interesting...

The day before yesterday was great in that I could see myself disliking craving and aversion and letting go of both. It required constant mindfulness with an attitude of being ready for the next reaction. When the thought bubbles drop it's like it wasn't a self and then I can just enjoy the senses. Then yesterday it was more of the dark night and old habits returning. I'm really having trouble with aversion. I still like to stay comfortable in old habits even if it isn't the right thing.

Yes there is definitely a residual fear of what people think of me that is still quite strong despite the practice. It's improved a lot but I'm going to focus on noting it where possible. It's really limited my life for too long.

Currently facing the above fear and I had some dreams (I don't get them too often) that include being on small thin flat plateaus jutting out of a mountain and seeing some of them crumble killing some friends (faceless non-entities). Then the dream turned to my teeth reverting to before they were straightened.

Dream moods - places





Thanks dreams...for stating the obvious.

I've gotten back to the above post today. It's getting easier. Just let the thoughts do what they do and don't stop them but don't cling to them. As it passes away there's a feeling that you're back to reality with quietude and basic vision, tactile sensations and sound and there's a corelessness that seems effortless. I think what Fitter Stroke said in another post is good. "What would an enlightened person do?" It's a good reminder to bring back mindfulness when it's lost.

I'm also being very aware of any sense of I and realizing I'm already clinging and need to let go.

Okay after an unexpected flu (despite getting the flu shot) I've gotten back at it. As per usual my practice is mainly a daily life version of Shikatanza. To deal with the above fear I was feeling I continued to not worry about it and just let it go. I've noticed that by just dropping all thoughts during these fear moments (what do people think of me, etc?) the hum of sounds, present moment visuals, and skin sensations put the lie to mental notions. It's also VERY helpful to do this when there is aversion. Just to not analyze it at all. To do this almost to the point of being just an animal curiously moving forward. If I don't feel like taking out the trash in the cold or do that extra errand I just let go ALL thoughts and don't add to them when they stop and just carry on with it. The experience is never as bad as the thoughts make them out to be. Just checking in with experience when I'm really lost in a "self" is enough to pop me out of it and the mild suffering drops.

It's really hard to gauge my practice at this point but I feel like I'm becoming more normal but at the same time, old frustrations and angry memories seem to have less hold than ever before. Sometimes I'm lost in thoughts but any anger has so little heat to it. Any doubts are just doubting thoughts and any questions of enlightenment are just more questions. Daily life goals are more in the forefront now.

I decided to try some noting for a couple of hours. It got to the point that when anger on thinking about the past or possible future could just be noted and let go of. The relief is paying attention to the senses. I think I went into the first jhana but I didn't add anything to it. The more mindfulness and concentration the more the mental assertions and possible scenarios seem ridiculous and neurotic.

Nice reminder of the three characteristics:

3 Characteristics Guided Meditation

I'm reading Namkhai Norbu's Cycle of Day and night and it's helping my Shikatanza practice greatly. With Rigpa I feel I'm tampering with thoughts not at all. I just let them drop and enjoy the presence. When I look at a commercial with an interesting useless product I just let it go and look at the senses as reality and the thoughts as illusion and also not a self. The seeing without a seer (etc) is becoming more possible. It's easier to distinguish thinking based on likes and dislikes versus straight thinking. One doesn't have to prevent likes or dislikes but just understand them based on the 3 characteristics. Also practice related thoughts can be treated the same way.

Okay I finished the book and am applying it. It's a great manual that focusses on that extra subtlety needed to liberate. In some ways it's like noting except without labels but in other senses it points you right where you need to go. The book helps me understand what Nikolai has been talking about on his site. When I wake up I try to let go into apperception (if this is the right term). I have some anger I have been dealing with and this basic practice has helped me let go of it faster and for the first time the sense of self with the anger is weakening. It's again the focus of just being aware of the reality in the senses and doubting the reality of the imagination but also feeling zero guilt for getting lost in thoughts. It's easier to let go this way. I still need to make dependent origination a project for deeper study because what I've read on forums and some books I have is not doing it for me.

Best not to equate it to what richard calls apperception. I will eventually get round to updating or deleting past opinions, but if you are interested in apperception/pce as defined by the aft and richard, best to go to the source for instruction.


http://actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/thismomentofbeingalive.htm


Best to stick to one or the other and use the advertised approaches rather than try and see them as the same thing. Waste of time in my experience. Though whatever works for ya.

My current subject to change 2cents

I guess I'm thinking more of the Great Perfection. What you said about not zooming in certainly helps with letting go. A perfect example would be riding a bus and not getting caught in tons of interests and just letting the senses be. Relaxing your facial muscles and body muscles is a reminder of how quick the tension appears. Of course with practice it's easier now than when I started trying it.

It is easy mixing up terms and I can see what Ian And means by getting things from the horses mouth. I think the dabbling is necessary for beginners and at some point you pick a focus.

Double post

The Cycle of Day and Night has a good quote I think is quite helpful:



This helps by allowing the mind to wander but when the mind understands that it's wandered off you're already back. No need to fabricate a "pay attention" meme. Just keep looking at the 3 characteristics and let go.

I'm starting to clear up my sense of "I". Ironically with Dzogchen practice, the subtlety of awareness makes it easier to drop it quickly, but has now tempted me with renewed noting practice. Nick's post on the Khemaka Sutta is just what I need. With letting the sense of self arise and pass away I was still looking for no-self (which doesn't make any sense) and manipulating my experience to suss out insight. By using the basic noting "urge", "aversion", "desire" I could start breaking down what feels like the self. What surprised me was that some of the feelings of self often didn't have a self involved. For example I would see a person flashed in a mental projection and it wasn't me or anyone I knew. Other times it was obviously vedana related things like desire or aversion. Sometimes that desire or aversion would be covered up by quick mental stories, scenarios and especially rehearsing to protect the self in future conversations that might never happen. By zeroing in on the self and breaking it down I could see that sweeping around like spotlight with intention on finding a self that vibrates has it's downside. The mere search or intention to pay attention could solidify a self due to aversion or desire related to insight outcomes. By doing this practice I could tell I still needed concentration because it took quite a bit to keep at it and the third eye pressure would come up again. I was probably going up the nanas but without that interest I had in the past. In truth I feel better than I did when I was playing with equanimity of formations and thought it was so fantastic.

By also reading some more of Strength to Awaken by Rob McNamara and his insight into how the ego wants to keep you in the comfort zone I can now see how to break that. By finding something aversive (exercise:grin I can keep the noting from the meditation session and bring it out during the day. Basically if the ego doesn't want to do something but you are noting anything that feels like a self and you let the desire or aversion pass away on it's own the relief is enough for you to get on the wagon again as long as you are paying attention to details of what's going on. During exercise you just keep attention on the details of the burn and pain like an interested scientist as opposed to an ego that just wants comfort. I remember what exercise used to be with lots of highs and crashes with pride falling. It ruins the experience yet if I tune into exercise as it is and less as a goal oriented thing where I imagine a fitter self in futuristic projections, the mental stress is far less.

I'm in the middle of The Direct Path of Realization by Analayo and mulling some helpful quotes:

Had a good exercise this morning. The complacency stops when I stop thinking about complacency and stop thinking about results.

I have been mulling throughout the day on how dependent my consciousness is to objects and sense perceptions. It's still sinking in as I plow through my Great discourse on causation book.

I continued my meditation tonight (2 hours) and decided to merge Rigpa with noting but without labels. I guess this would be like bare attention with noting. I started hitting jhanas again (I haven't done this since last summer) and didn't feel the nausea or extreme boredom as I have recently. I shot up to the 3rd jhana with noting and slammed hard into the 4th jhana. I saw strong circular colourful objects like Christmas ornaments in front of me (pretty interesting and useless). The noting wasn't entirely consistent but it didn't stop for too long either. I never really got lost in absorption. In the 4th jhana my clarity of senses was all pervasive. Quiet mind and clear senses. This seems to be a wall for me as vibrations thin out and are hard to penetrate but I did manage to let go more than I have before. As soon as stories appeared regarding enlightenment or any neurotic analysis I started labeling again and more importantly LETTING GO! Noting to me is just more of reminding the mind "Do I KNOW what is happening now?" I started feeling better and got more out of this equanimity. Chasing desires and stories about enlightenment is annoying. LOL! What I also noted is disatisfaction with my mastery of thoughts. The thinking part of my mind doesn't seem as mastered as all other phenomena. The sense of self is still tied to thoughts and I can tell I haven't had any experiences like others have had where the self is just gone. I also need to revisit labeling different thought forms as Fella describes in my older posts. Just break it down. My next goal is to do just that when I get to equanimity. I may have to go beyond 2 hours though.

Still I'm pretty happy.

I only managed 2 hours again this sit. I focused on thought formations and also the sense of "I" as it manifested. I was probably in the 2nd jhana most of the sit but the clarity was good. I remembered earlier posts from Tommy M and a talk by Andrea Fella in this thread and just noted how the thoughts appeared and the sense of "I". The sense of "I" seems to appear only when lost in stories and especially about likes and dislikes. The fact that all this happens and is known by consciousness means there can't be two selves (consciousness and thinking). The feeling of separation is the difficult knot to untie because I think it's based on not letting go enough. Clinging seems to be the sense of self, therefore this clinging is repeatedly going on even when I don't think it is. Treating it like just another sensation is something I'll have to continually work on all day to make it sink in. "One sensation cannot sense another". Taking a shower this morning I was annoyed with mental stories and I just let go and took in all the details of the water on my skin and sounds and still keep letting go. Now I know why this sense of self feels permanent. It's because in weak concentration it keeps coming back like a bad horror movie ending.

I had a strange 3 hour sit yesterday. I continued noting without labels (though I did some where it felt necessary) and I just stayed noticing the 3 characteristics during thinking and anything else. I would get lost in thoughts but come back with no jolt or analysis and the relief was a little better than what I'm used to. I didn't even go into a jhana of any kind I could tell. The only difference is the noting I'm doing I'm emphasizing the consciousness knowing aspect of each experience.

I did another 3 hour sit this morning. I went up through the jhanas I can do. I think touched on infinite space briefly but I'm still analyzing the 3Cs too much to absorb in them. By letting the thoughts go without fanfare or manipulation I'm starting to enjoy noting with only occasional labels. By sticking with my consciousness (knowing) as the guide I can see the small bits of striving and chasing that intensive labeling might conceal. The attempts to do MORE than just note are seen. By reminding myself of Bhante Gunaratana's instructions to be aware of when hinderances aren't present helps you to enjoy what can be ignored right now. He seems to concur that likes and dislikes are where the strength of the sense of self is from, so I could extrapolate that letting go is the only way to shrink interruptions. I still get lost in thoughts but it's less often. I also have more appreciation for concentration practice and how it supports good mind states. There is also a sense of wanting to let go of everything and just be like this.

Just keep going.

EDIT: I'm also keeping in mind not to make Dzogchen practice into a concentration practice. The impermanence has to be looked at.

Throughout the day I'm feeling good even when I normally should be frustrated (work related). By depersonalizing reactive thoughts it's like I'm "doing" even less. When I get caught up in thoughts and then turn to it as a sensation and watch it pass away it's like not-self.

I agree with Jake. Live life fully engaged.

Finished Analayo's Direct Path to Realization. (Thanks Ian!) This book was helpful in pointing out the 7 factors of awakening with good descriptions. I found that joy was something I wasn't getting into as much. It was more about letting hindrances go but these factors are a lot like jhana factors as follows:

Mindfulness leading to investigation leading to energy leading to joy leading to relaxation leading to concentration leading to equanimity. The joy is in noting when hindrances aren't there. The concentration helps to keep them at bay and calm the mind. It was also interesting in that the Buddha mentions these factors as to why people can forget well remembered information and remember other information with less effort.

The investigation is of the 5 aggregates: Matter, cognition, feeling, volition, consciousness.

With practice in daily life I can feel how manipulated volition is by pleasant and unpleasant sensations so I can definitely understand that aggregate as not self. Cognition needs to be tested by observation to avoid misinterpretation. It happens quickly after the memory is used to compare experiences so it can label objects. It's definitely more about experience and habit than a "me". Matter is obvious to me. Feeling is definitely out of control for me if it's based on external objects I can't control. Internally the mind throws all kinds of thoughts that create unwanted feeling (no self again). The difficulty for me is consciousness. I know that consciouness relies on an object but other than knocking myself out with cessation I'm not sure what a direct path version of experiencing impermanace of consciousness would be. Do I have to get into the ring with a boxer and get beaten unconscious?

My recent practice was pretty intense. I quickly moved up and down jhanas 1 to 4 and felt the letting go more deeply but also in a more violating way (probably a good sign). I had the dream of going towards a suffocating void. Hahahah! Resistance.

Yesterday morning on the bus I kept thinking about consciousness and it made sense to me to see what is "mine" in consciousness and what is "mine" in senses and of course they just work on their own. Some more relief came just from attention to what can't be controlled with senses and consciousness. There was also a slight move to let go of senses when I did this but just briefly, kind of like a dry heave.

1 hour meditation yesterday: I made a resolution to do as little as possible and to not even "let go" as Daniel would say in MCTB. The letting go happens on it's own, just get out of the way. Whatever emotions (positive or negative) I would just watch arise and pass away and it was like everything was just happening on it's own and it didn't matter what arose. Such a relief. The thought sensations that created any emotion just came and went like waves and any normal blocking of these experiences with analysis was not used so the experience was smooth instead of bumpy.

God it seems so good but it seems so far from being like this all the time.

1 1/2 hour meditation: Really sticking with the same practice as last time. Just see things as they are and when daydreams start just note them and watch them go and continue looking at the 3 Cs. This was a more painful result and I relaxed my facial muscles as the 3rd eye was getting too tight. I noticed that whenever any big problem arose in my mind to interfere with the concentration the mind went through dissatisfaction. It's pretty clear when thinking about likes and dislikes that there's nothing that I can obsessively think about and get permanent satisfaction. Nothing satisfies permanently. Mental arguments (even good ones) can leave an annoying residue in the mind. It's important to look at core values and to pick your battles. There was definitely some more dark night symptoms, though I've seen them before and they pose less of a problem than they did the first time. I was mainly looking at the changes in the visual field with eyes closed and noticing hearing at the same time (this is getting easier) and I would ask the question when an obsessive thought arose: Is this going to permanently make me happy? Of course NO is the answer and the thought would drop and I was back paying attention to the senses. It's almost like the senses are irritating white noise to the clinging aspect of mind but when that aspect is let go of there is peace. I would crack a smile when that happened.

Towards the end of the practice I started looking more at the aggregates (especially consciousness) and really trying to find a self in any of it. I can start to see the mind imputing a self onto vision yet vision by itself is just vision. I can see how this practice is helpful in that when you don't find a self it's a little bit of a realization but at the same time fleeting so repetition is necessary. My next practice will be to look for self in 5 aggregates with more detail.

1. Is this aggregate a self?
2. Does the self own this aggregate?
3. Is this aggregate inside a self?
4. Is the self inside the aggregate?


5 aggregates x 4 types of attachments = 20 forms of attachment (no wonder it's so hard).

Continued this morning with investigation of aggregates. I looked at consciousness. It is definitely in need objects to be conscious of. By looking at all my senses I asked:

1. Is this aggregate a self?
2. Does the self own this aggregate?
3. Is this aggregate inside a self?
4. Is the self inside the aggregate?

The only answer I get is sensing. No self. The result of that is it plunges you right into the senses and going up jhanas seemed faster. Because consciousness is intertwined with perception it's easier to see how nama-rupa is dependent on consciousness and consciousness needs something to be conscious about. This is really reminiscent of Heidgger's "Being-in-the-world" concept (except hundreds of years before him ).

Being-in-the-world



Unfortunately there are some hindrances with other aggregates so I'll look into those next.

I was going through dukkha nanas (probably desire for deliverance) all this morning. Really shitty. It affected my work and memory and it felt like nothing satisfies. By the end of the day I felt better, go figure (anicca). I continued looking at thoughts and again the answer is shimmering senses and thoughts that naturally lose centre stage. On a more personal note I find that sexual stimulation is more like a choice now and much easier to control. Some women at work are SO enticing and until recently it was easy to get caught up in sexual papanca (mental proliferation). It was a perfect example of craving tying consciousness and object together. I walk past this woman and she's got PERFECT skin! Beautiful raven hair! My neck turned instantly like I discovered a long thought extinct species. She looked at me like this has happened to her 50 times a day. You just let go and get on with your life. It's pretty simple. If you think about something enjoyable or something fearful both craving and aversion increase intensity. I think what did it for me was disatisfaction in the lack of thinking about a more wholesome (I don't know if it's a good word) form of love. Just simply noting lust with total acceptance that it's there can prevent it from escalating. Also some of the really attractive women are so attuned to their attractiveness that their conceit ruins it. Attractive people don't have to be nice and are often imbeciles so all they have to do is say something totally stupid or politically correct to shatter the illusion. Also the fear of letting go of sexual arousal and turning impotent is just superstition. All I have to do is think....and it's back. Whoops there goes the mental clarity.

I felt coreless today. Really smooth experience. It's easy to see how a good portion of thoughts can be let go of. Looking at thoughts as "Is that a me?" helps loosen the clinging grip.

Today was interesting. Just paying attention to everything at once and life looks like a hologram including thoughts. The feeling of the continuity of mindfulness was delicious and has that similar thawing of tension I had when I first got equanimity.

I've been going through a big move recently and practice has suffered somewhat from it. I'm also getting into the samsara of the dating world. It's already throwing me for a loop. Some women are so smart and attractive I don't want to let them down. I always feel like I need more money and more status. Stuff like this will probably always test me. I've gotten some massive dark night symptoms where I want to crawl into bed and just die. As soon as I start noting everything I get better. It's seesawing back and forth. I just feel like shit part of the day and then feel better later on wondering why the fuss. Each time it happens though I feel the need to note what's happening in my senses and I'm being convinced that noting in intervals is more useful to me in reducing stress.

Most importantly: Once an emotional mood catches hold it takes a longer period of noting to reduce clinging.

I got much better results with consistent noting today. Even small reminders like "did I notice that?" or "did I truly see that?" for thoughts and senses can bring you back to reality. Noting thoughts is getting easier. It's like I'm okay being how I am and noting is just impassively seeing what that is. No more no less. Relief.

Something seems to be changing in me. As I note I find basically every daydream to be some small form of torture. The brain is naturally inclining to bare attention to the senses. There are times when noting thoughts there seems to be a flattening and tightness in the location of the self in the back of the head and it then disappears. Noting throughout the day seems to be weakening anger in a major way and it needs this acknowledgement of what's here. "Yes that's here." Self-pity and mild irritation are now noted with ease and even thinking about the practice doesn't cause pain either. It's like the brain just wants to get back to what's happening now even if it's mundane. The big test is when there's a big issue but otherwise it's okay.

I tried noting while listening to some exquisite classical music (Bach Gamba Sonatas - Casals) and the experience was extremely relaxing. When the mind wants to wander onto different topics the consistent noting keeps you on track. I haven't fallen in love with noting like I am now. Every note needs a dose of acceptance of what is to really soften negative mindstates. Noting while talking about the practice in my mind or just thinking about practice is like a reinforcement that demolishes doubt.

My latest meditation has been very different. By focusing on sanna and seeing how the mind Recognizes things I can zero in on suffering more accurately. It's like I don't do much with the meditation except pay attention to what's happening and just sit there and when stress comes in it's because of some memory of something good or bad and I can see how there's not enough wisdom and I have to deliberately think of the 3 Characteristics and it let's go on it's own. There's also an understanding now that I should be purposely seeing what causes stress for me and start seeing the obsession over details and how more detailed you go the more stress is created.

Today was very light and blissful. Because I'm looking at perception/recognition I'm seeing stress start up and I'm able to let go of it before it gets full blown. Instead of paying attention to the body everything is normal like I'm not meditating and I'm not in any state. I just notice stress and start looking at what perception caused it. It's like diffusing a bomb before it goes off. Very cool.

Very cool, indeed! Way to go, Richard.


Are you able to see how your affective response (vedana) plays a part in helping you to recognize the stress? Especially if it is unpleasant vedana. If so, then you're seeing more and more of the mental process (dependent co-arising).

Yes vedena is something I didn't see too well before because of how fast it is. It's REALLY fast! In the past it would be feeling tone and then action right away. Willpower was dominated by feeling tone. What I found with noting is that my willpower is heavily affected by feeling tone, however I realized that accepting the feeling tone with noting I can see it pass away. I knew I was starting to get somewhere when I could do the same thing with lust. It feels more like a choice. I could also note disatisfaction with practice or just about anything. I understand now what Shinzen Young was talking about when he says to let go when there's stress but knowing that perception colours feeling tone and how perception is also heavily affected by memories of past experiences I can look at the reductionist and simplistic labeling of perception and how narrow it is.

What I felt today was a different kind of freedom. It was like I was getting closer to being "done" like the meditation may seem too ritualistic and isn't needed as much but I want to just use this freedom to act in a more conscious way, if that makes any sense. Lightness and normality at the same time is what I didn't expect. The speed bumps are when the perception goes off but now I actually KNOW what's happening. It's not just something to let go of but something to understand. I sometimes laugh when a speed bump happens. Even when I write this there is some tension to grasp at the practice but it's just another perception that can be seen.

I'll just keep looking at the aggregates and steady myself kind of like walking a tight rope wire. "Oh here comes some more stress. What perception happened before it?" I think noting feeling tone more consistently is the next step. Noting thoughts and treating them like sensations was very helpful.

That's my practice nowadays. Noting only body sensations for the first 10-15 minutes, and the switch to note feeling-tones only, while noticing the body sensations and thoughts. By noting endlessly feeling-tones, not only I see body sensations and thoughts arise and pass away, but also triggering (pre) jhana. I noticed aversion whenever I feel solidity of body sensations or stream of thoughts. My mind wants a break! (The thing I don't get is that this is like the opposite of steadiness of jhanas). And when noting attraction to the body sensation, I noticed unpleasant sensations at the periphery.

I think feeling tone will be a tough nut to crack. How do you get disenchanted with pleasant and painful feeling tones? More withdrawal symptoms on the horizon I'm sure.