| Gosh, i'm back again. It's coming thick and fast now and i think i know why ....
I'm going to go back a few years and start with another dark story.
As those of you that follow me will know, Dukkha took up residency in my family home when my kids started drinking in a problematic manner. And just as a side note, my poor son is staring down the barrel of serious jail time when he next appears appears before the magistrate, which may be quite soon. There's a sadness to it all, knowing he's compeled to continue.
Because of my unwellness i'd pushed this little gem back way down deep in my mind and it's only in the last couple of days that it's presented its self for scrutiny.
Several years ago i was found by a police officer about three blocks from my home, my t-shirt literally shredded to pieces and bearly clinging to my person, and a pair of underwear. A nice copper this bloke and after he'd checked me out for any major physical problems, he very quietly and sadly said, "Mr Law, you've got to do something! I found you in exactly the same situation just twelve months ago. If you won't let us help (press charges against my son) then your going to have to remove yourself from this environment. Its not going to improve, you've got to get out!"
I did, and took myself off some 50 klicks away to our old beach house.
The physical stuff stopped but the mental taunting went up a notch or two.
Then came my Doctor just this past few weeks, stating very firmly, exactly the same thing.
The female solicitor i engaged to manage my divorce had a wee sampling of my lot and stated. "I'm not letting you change your mind Stuart. We have to remove you permanently from this toxic situation!"
The message was finally getting through, yeah?
An hour or so later i was back down the beach and decided to sit, thinking ...... Well. There goes any progress i might have made on my meditative journey. Gone! Up in a puff of smoke. But strangly enough, i achieved great absorption and had a wonderful sitting, for which i was most greatful. Insight occurred after i'd got up and was puzzleing as to why such a great sit when i'm headed into such a major life changing period. Previous experience would have had me a blathering idiot, heading for the funny farm, complete with canvas coat that buckles up at the back.
Then it hit ...... This was my body saying, very loudly .... and with great force.
* * * YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING * * *
Boom! As if to re enforce this, High Equanimity, and a door slammer of one too!!!
Now tonight ...... Wham! Jhana. Oh my God, you little ripper!
But i get a little ahead of myself. Been thinking to myself this week, that i might be coming down with a bit of a cold. I'm getting that pre sneeze tickle in the back of the throut and up the nose, you know? But i didn't think about it much more than that. Well this morning i woke at 4, thought okay sit till six then have my two litres of water ......
I've got to tell you about this water thing. Back in the 80's i bought a book, the cover of which, in it's entirety reads...
Live Longer Love Longer By Geoff Pike
The Secrets of Oriental Breathing for Health and Longevity
And finally found the story on page 60 after skim reading this wee ditty.
"For a long time i had been ill. Unable to perform the smallest of tasks, then a man came to the door of my hut and asked for rice. This i gave him and he cut all of my wood in a very short time, also mending the shingles of my roof. Before he left he told me this." "Tonight, eat nothing for your supper but fruit. In the morning, as soon as you rise, go to the well and fill a bucket. Do not wash or eat but breathe deeply the morning air and drink one gallon of pure water as you watch the sun come up. Do this every day of your life and you will never grow old."
Well i tried it and found out very quickly that i only needed one piss prior to heading off to work. I felt good, no, i felt great! and as with all the other things i was doing at the time of my collapse, they fell by the wayside. Well i started my water therapy again just two weeks ago ... But i digress.
I sat for the two hours, drank me water and went about me choirs. Knowing i had a meeting at noon, i started another hour sitting at 10:30. My first sit had been in a straight backed chair as i had been trying other styles of sitting rather than just the cushion and half lotus. Looking for the easy softer way.
Okay so my next sit was back on the cush in my regular place, for the first time in two, three days and it was a ripper. Felt real good.
Headed out for my meeting, only two minutes from my door (by car, you lazy bastard) and hit my meeting. Al-Anon. A self help group set up by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, for the friends and family of Alcoholics. We were doing a run through AA's gift to the world, The Twelve Steps.
We were half way through the meeting and i was still a little foggy from my last sit. I gave away my Christian upbringing and it's vengeful God quite some years ago, but i've always been a seeker, my whole life. Never realising it was the Buddha Dharma and path i sort. There were only 5 people at the meeting but i felt, and told the other 4 that there was a very strong presence in the room, a premonition of an unseen 6th. Not my normal style at all, but so strongly felt.
Home after a few errands had been run and sat to a breath conditioning talk the chap calls Cogent Breathing. Breathe at the rate of 5 per minute, which i feel is helping me no end. Needs further study, but felt good benifits for the seven days i've done. That was a 90 minute guided session.
One more sit at 7pm and a last at 10:30 for a total of 6 and a half hours for the day.
Last sitting ...... on the cush ...... legs folded. Assume the position!
First 15 minutes, crazy mobs of discursive thoughts, on and on. What the heck is happening? Did i read somewhere that Equanimity can be a bit that way? .... a bit chatty. 1st 1/4 hour chime and things are rapidly settling. Breath deepening, posture strong, access concentration, eyes closed ...... Eyes closed!!! the only times my eyes close is when i'm getting close to Ajahn Brahimavamso's Beautiful Breath. Recalling Nikolai's advise, got while trawling thro back pages of resent posts (I'm up to page 146) in which he says .... it's okay to affirm your desire to achieve anything you want. Ok, give it a go a! "I now give myself permission to achieve Jhana, in this very sit." Lets see if we can get more than the tantilising tastes thus far promised but just not delivered.
I'm only a couple of hundred meters from the sea where i live and there's a strong wind warning for the coast and she's blowing fit to bust. A small pane of glass in my back corner window has been broken and not as yet replaced and it's letting in enough wind to activate the Big Set of chimes. My Gompa, where i learnt to meditate has a train track and stacks of semi's passing right by and i've grown accustomed to noise when i sit, and now just suck it up and make it part of my meditation, so i thought if i get deep enough, maybe i'll lose the sound of the wind chimes? But i've been there before, so close. Now with Equanimity on my side, the drive, the desire are much less influencing, as to be not a factor.
Down further i go tiny, little, minute muscles round the nose and lips twitching, breath easy and slowing. Body, then holds sway over over notice / mindfulness and i feel it hardening again into the tough protective shell encompassing my body. Feels very much like the exo skeleton of a beatle or some such. The breath is down a bit more and my posture is rock solid, man it feels as if i've got reinforcing steel (rebar or something) welded to my spine.and my posture's Rock Solid. Immovable.
Breath slows Shell gets tighter Arms / fingers, steel Then it happened. The fan was on sweep and as it passed, as it had, for the last 15 or so minutes, i felt as if i'd been brushed by the most diaphanous fabric as i have Never had the pleasure of experiencing. I shivered internally at it's touch. Then the sensation of having, not the sheer fabric but a slightly courser one draped over my entire body. I could swear that it was there in actuallity. And it dawned on me. Shit! am i scripting this? Isn't there something in the suttas about the bath house, the soap doe, bath attendants, linen cloth, Wha, wha, wha! No man this stuff is really happening.
I'm being screwed down. Tighter and tighter. A little pause then Ker-thunk, down another notch. (Still hear chimes, yep.) Ker-thunk another notch. Great swaths of piti and sukha rippling over my body, not just little patches but full on massive waves coursing through the body,. flushing out through the skin. Ohhh the joy ---- the delight, then it settled.. That feeling i've not had these past 15 plus years. The feeling you get (way back in my smoking days) after really first class sex, when your having that smoke and just basking in the 'now' of it all. Suffused with love and contentment .... What do you hear? the wind screaming outside? The trees, heavy with their input. The windows rattling? Na ...... not really. I can hear the chimes, but fuck it all! Who cares now! Three chimes from the meditation thingie, way off in the distance but amazingly i'm able to reveiw whats happening.
I feel like i could stay, sat, sitting here, till hell freezes over. Come on then lad. Lets do this thing ...... How long are we here for? 2, 3, 4 hours? Commit to it dude.
Okay, 3/4 of the way through the second hour, making it an hour and 15 minutes in jhana, and do you remember that little liitle tickle in my nose and throat? Well she let down enough fluid to cause a violent coughing fit (first ever) come choking spasm, that pulled me most rudely out of jhana absorption, onto hands and knees for a further 15 minutes, as i swim my way back up.
7 hours later and i've pulled an 'all nighter.' So i sat with my journel. Delighting in detailing a very precious couple of hours to a few precious people who care. You Dharma Overgrounders. |