Every Moment is Unbearable

Eric Michaels, modified 11 Years ago at 12/25/12 5:47 PM
Created 11 Years ago at 12/25/12 5:47 PM

Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 14 Join Date: 10/16/12 Recent Posts
My "spiritual practice" is eclectic. I guess one could say it is a mix of shamanism, Buddhist meditation principles, some dream yoga, and "out-of-body" exploration as documented by Robert Allen Monroe and Thomas Campbell.

I really don't have a set practice that involves meditation. I do meditate when my schedule allows, which unfortunately isn't very often. I have three children, one of which is nine months old, the other of which is autistic. My practice revolves more around contemplating deeper questions while going about daily life, and pondering the nature of reality.

I have had a number of "mystical" things happen to me since beginning my practice about two years ago, so I fear I am unable to really pinpoint something that could be called the A&P event. I do recall having a particular dream where I was in some kind of void. I saw a big, shining face and heard a voice behind me, shouting at me to "wake up." Things somehow felt a little different after that, though it was well over a year ago.

The past few months, every moment of my existence has been unbearable. Everything feels hostile, causing intense anxiety and even panic attacks. Everything pisses me off, especially at work. The whole idea of having to work for someone else in order to feed my family seems like a cruel injustice. I stay up late into the night fearing for the lives of my children, for whatever reason.

Everything is just so meaningless, so incredibly meaningless. And I can't stand it. My natural state of being is one of deep existential despair and quiet panic. It has affected my marriage and my performance at work.

I will note that my current circumstances aren't very good. My family is poor, I work a minimum-wage job, and we are having trouble even putting food on the table. I will also note that we have pretty much always been this poor, and yet I have always managed to keep a positive attitude, up until now. I prefer to find happiness in family and spiritual practice. Material things aren't really of much concern.

I could be living on an island paradise and be unable to enjoy it. This despair arises from within. External circumstances can't touch it.

Once in a while, I find the willpower to "push through." If I can just take some time, maybe even five minutes, to sit down and examine the feelings of despair and anxiety, it sort of moves through my awareness and dissipates. The nausea and physical discomfort associated with my troubled psyche morph into this warm goo that spreads through my entire body.

Everything is fine after that, at least for a while. I'm not completely chill and mellow like I would expect with Equanimity, though I have had times like that lately, where everything is just cool. But it's only a matter of time before the bottom falls out again.

Tonight I'm going to put on a pot of coffee and do a marathon noting session. I'm afraid the only time I have to meditate is when everyone else is asleep, assuming my daughter decides to sleep. emoticon

I guess I'm just looking for some input here. How can someone with an eclectic spiritual practice move through this phase efficiently? I really am all over the place. One week I'll do some zazen, the next week I'll contemplate some channeled material such as Seth, maybe do some "astral projecting" the week after that, and let's not forget the chakra meditation...

I read an account written by an Inuit shaman, when he was trying to become a shaman. He took to the solitude of the wilderness and soon experienced Dark Night sypmtoms. But before the day was over, he was overcome by joy, and found his "divine light." The lucky bastard seems to have made it through in less than a day. Perhaps I should move to the Canadian arctic and spend some time alone.
Derek, modified 11 Years ago at 12/25/12 7:28 PM
Created 11 Years ago at 12/25/12 7:28 PM

RE: Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 326 Join Date: 7/21/10 Recent Posts
"You" can't "do" anything because there is no "you."
Brother Pussycat, modified 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 3:31 AM
Created 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 3:31 AM

RE: Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 77 Join Date: 12/21/11 Recent Posts
How about sticking to just one type of meditation for a month or so + metta (you can do metta pretty much anytime)? I see a lot of advice here against too much eclecticism.

I can somewhat relate to your worrying about your children. I've found that metta really helps alleviate these worries.

Also, have a look at Jigme Sengye's second post in this thread

Metta to you and your family.
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Shashank Dixit, modified 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 3:38 AM
Created 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 3:38 AM

RE: Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 282 Join Date: 9/11/10 Recent Posts
I remember being in the *exact* same place as you are..the only thing I knew at that was to note the hell
out of everything and keep reading dharma articles to get inspired..sooner or later the 3 characteristics
will show up and then the liberation begins..
T J, modified 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 4:56 PM
Created 11 Years ago at 12/26/12 4:56 PM

RE: Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 14 Join Date: 12/16/12 Recent Posts
Kenneth Folk's Mahamudra Noting/Essence Noting can really work to soften up the pain of deep suffering in real time while simultaneously pointing the mind towards the liberation that is available in every moment.
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tom moylan, modified 11 Years ago at 2/21/13 6:51 AM
Created 11 Years ago at 2/21/13 6:51 AM

RE: Every Moment is Unbearable

Posts: 896 Join Date: 3/7/11 Recent Posts
Hi Eric,
I could really relate to your descriptions, both of your life situation and your emotional responses to it.

I think that we are all here because our life experience doesn't line up perfectly with the "dreams" we are spoon fed about it. When we contemplate the huge reposnsibility of parenting, and do it anyway, we expect above average children who will glide through life without trouble and we will be exemplary parents. My experience has been anything but that. The same can be said for our economic situations. Whether we grow up under the pressure of "the American Dream" or the "success model equivalents" in other societies, there will always be winners and losers just due to the nature of the game and the winners are generally very few.

So what do we do about it? First of all I can only speak for myself but acceptance of the reality of the situation helps. That doesn't mean giving up it just means seeing where you are. You mentioned already that despite your "poverty" you are ok with that. That's ok if you really mean it. So lets talk about what we want to do and what this place is good for.

I can relate to your interest in the many different forms of "spiritual" investigation as I too have had interest in all of those you mentioned to varying degree. In my case I bounced from one tradition to another as each one seemed to offer a deeper description of how I imagined the world to work. In a lot of my seeking I was giving far to much weight to the intellectual stimulation and broadening of my rational knowlege at the expense of sitting my ass on the cushion and digging into the nuts and bolts of my experience. I found that focusing on the basic practices which are well described in this forum provide a focus to me which suited my psychology and leads definitely to deeper modes of experience and investigation. That's me.

Let's talk about your current mind state. You describe lots of despair, worry, concern. Like all negative emotions there is the fact of the underlying cause (eg: not enough money for x,y,z) and then our reaction to it. As you probably know, these reactions are often far worse than the actual pain caused by the fact ( Buddha's Two Arrows). On the worldly level (the first arrow) we try to get better paying work, or spending more time with our kids etc. while on the emotional / psychological / spiritual level, we try to reduce our amplification of that pain by seeing our negative prolification of thoughts as ultimately unhelpful.

I think when I say that this forum encourages (predominantly) focusing on the bare sensate experience as continuously as possible with whatever technique you are working with as a means of training our minds to stay focused on "the first arrow" or the actual experience. Mostly people use Mahasi Noting which I see you are familiar with. I am a big fan of this but with caveats. Danial Imgram's sticky post re: warnings about the dark night it not there to fill space.

My continuing dark night experience mirrors much of the angst, fear, doubt and desperation which you mention at the top of this thread. If you haven't read "Mastering The Core Teachings of The Buddha" do that. Try to accurately assess whether you are past the A&P and, if not, think seriously about whether your present mind state is ready to handle the dark night right now.

My suspicion is that you have passed it but that is only a guess. Ask yourself a few questions like: How long have I been so negative? Did this come after that "certain event"? Was I previously depressed / angry / fearful for any extended period in my life? etc.

This is my personal advice:
If you believe that you are past the A&P then there is really only one way forward and that is through: straight ahead. If you determine that you are pre A&P then tranquility meditation, metta MIGHT be a better choice than noting until you are in a better situation or mind state.

I really feel for you and wish you lots of courage, peace and strength.

Take good care.