Hi all. This is my first post on DhO. My post is long but if experienced meditators read and give me advices i will be very grateful.
In 2012 I went for a goenka retreat. I resolved to reach A&P in the retreat and decided to work as hard as I could. We started by mindfulness of breathing and on the 3rd day of the retreat I felt deep loving kindness to all sentient being. My mind was very quiet and tranquil. On the 4th day we started vipassana by watching body sensation. Not long after starting vipassana I felt there was an opening in my head and all hatred, anger and thoughts of cruelty started gushing out. It was extremely painful. I tried to watch the sensation with equanimity but with little success. I got carried away by dark thoughts. On the last day of the retreat we supposed to spread metta for all being but I was so gloomy that I could not wish metta for anyone at all. I came back from retreat utterly frustrated that I did not even reach stage 1. Knowledge of mind and body. I came back to my usual life. Feeling sometime down and sometime Ok . Sensations on and around my nose were predominant. I tried to practice hard but my mind was so agitated that I could not observe the sensation. I tried to do mindfulness of breathing to increase my concentration with little success. Soon my personal life was getting very difficult and out of frustration my practice almost stopped apart from some weak breathing meditation. I started taking drugs on and off (my old habit which totally stopped after retreat). I was dark, depressed and libido was all time low which took toll on my conjugal life.
But I did not stop searching. I came across the writing of Eckhart tolle and Nisargatdutta and a website called liberation unleashed. I came to know direct pointing method. In April’13 I tried to investigate the self by intense awareness of present moment. I switched off my mind, stopped all sort of verbalizing and visualizing and with all desperation investigated the sensation of breathing. Something happened that never happened before! For a few moments, i can’t remember how long it was, everything was blank and empty. In those moments there was only cognition of sensation. Nothing else. There was nobody to own or disown those sensations. There was no body to observe and say “I am not that”. The notion of nose, breathing and sensation was not there. Even the concept of nothingness was not there. There was only pure cognition. I realized that there are events of cognition happening every moment. Only cognition happens moment to moment. There is no body to cognize. Thoughts, idea, concept arise from a mechanism called mind and make the illusion of me. Three to four days went through great exhilaration. I was firmly convinced that I attained enlightenment or at least stream entry. Then suddenly everything sucked. I plunged into abysmal depression. All my dark thoughts starting bubbling out and made me bleeding badly. Drug habit really kicked in. all I tried not to spit out my bitterness. I had never been through such depression in all my life. I wanted to go for retreat but I could not manage vacation from my work place (I am a professional accountant).
Just a month ago I decided to do noting practice. Not only during morning and evening sitting I noted frantically throughout the day. Even while walking, working, being told off my boss I noted every dark and gloomy thought, sensation and frustration. I read MCTB a number of times especially Part II: from content to insight, harnessing the energy of defilements, content and ultimate reality. I focused on sensations that make all my dark emotions. Miraculously within 3-4 days the cloud parted and I started breathing again. It was wonderful. I did not take drugs since I started noting. It simply stopped. Still a lot of negativity bubble up but they are not that tough. I try to note whenever any negativity arises. When the mind is not agitated I feel a lot of sensation on my face-dancing and vibrating. In my sitting meditation sensations get pronounced on my face. When my noting get speed I feel hot flashes in my body and my mind gets restless. Many a time I give up. Sometime I don’t feel hot flash and my I feel quite nice and my aim gets precise. I can feel every sensation with precision. But it does not last long. Soon the restlessness arises and take over.
I can’t express how grateful I am to Daniel Ingram and MCTB. No human language is good enough to express my gratitude. MCTB pulled me out of deepest darkness I was in and stopped bleeding of my heart. I am able to love again. I am able to feel compassion for all being again. I am not sure where I am. Probably I am no where on map of insight. But I am a “normal “human being with much more refines awareness and love.
Homage to all buddhas. Homage to Daniel Ingram. Endless gratefulness to MCTB.
Regards
Faisal
