Is this A&P?

Che, modified 10 Years ago at 3/25/14 10:36 AM
Created 10 Years ago at 3/25/14 10:36 AM

Is this A&P?

Posts: 35 Join Date: 3/20/14 Recent Posts
It happened last night, as soon as I went to bed around 2 am I felt vibrations in my limbs, spine, head, and torso. My hands raised up to the sky and remained there for a bit. I played around for a bit with intensifying sensations in various parts of the body, and then moving them around. I had remarkable command over the sensations, like I usually have when I have these events. The only other times I have such command is on retreats or whenever I have been doing Vipassana for a few hours.

Since I've had these night time events many times before, it was nothing new or interesting. I know it stays active if I remain on my back, and it can cause me to jerk semi-violently - which can wake up my partner who was fast asleep. So a few minutes later I shut it down by rolling onto my side and sleeping.

It certainly wasn't in any way a negative feeling, but I can't really claim there was any bliss.

Since waking up I have a lot of will to do things in contrast to the couch potato phase of last week where I'd read dharma books and meditate or just be without stirring out of the house. A sudden desire to go out in the world and do things.

Carpe diem! etc.

Even feeling like I need to get what I deserve from the world, a goal oriented no-nonsense style, quite in contrast to my no-views + no-desires + no-aggression state of the past few weeks or even months.

I've immediately had some very useful outcomes. I had a difficult conversation I didn't even know I was putting off out of short-sighted compassion. It just came out very cohesive and cogent, with great clarity.

Since then I've made a list of a bunch of major things to fix in life, and suddenly it struck me that this could be an A&P event, and all this energy to do things or knowing what I want is going to vanish soon. Maybe I shouldn't start what I can't finish or won't want in a few days.

I am new to MCTB. The idea of knowing where I am on the map has been revealing - it means I can actually have some planning and control over my life, which has so far been a roller coaster of unpredictability.

What do you think?

Thanks and love, peace and kindness to all.
Che, modified 10 Years ago at 3/25/14 12:09 PM
Created 10 Years ago at 3/25/14 12:09 PM

RE: Is this A&P?

Posts: 35 Join Date: 3/20/14 Recent Posts
My thoughts on my sudden change in attitude:

A realization I'm having is that my no-self, no-ambition, no-desire behavior of the past two years went unnoticed because I almost immediately had cancer after what I'd call loss of self view (perhaps SE, but let's not debate that here), and no one expected anything of me. But the past few months I've been well, and people around me have been growing alarmed over my lack of interest in a job, or in settling down in any way back into the traditional samsara.

Sure I can do it, but why bother is my feeling. Secondly, I don't feel like I know what's going to happen to me the next day in terms of side effects of awakening - they yank my life around all the time.

This makes people close to me quite unhappy, and at least for their sake I should get back to an appearance of normal life. It doesn't have to mean a regression to self identity, but if I stopped acting so weird and got an appearance of my old life act together - job, maybe kids I will be left in peace.

It also comes from the realization that life is actually quite nice with the objects attained by decisive action. Sure I don't need them, and though I see no real danger of waking up one day homeless or living on charity, it feels suddenly like I know how to reconcile the spiritual life with the material life without giving up either.

Like a weight has been lifted, and I don't need to save the world anymore by sacrifice.

Does this make sense? Thoughts?