Hi.
I am currently reading through MCTB, and have self-diagnosed as experiencing the Dark Night for seven years, since an A and P event in the spring of 2003. The A and P event happened after I resolved to figure out what a itching and restless feeling in the chest, that had been bothering me for many years, was. As mentioned in my first post in this forum, I laid down on my back and resolved not to move until I knew what that sensation was all about. It grew and grew in intensity until it became almost unbearable and I felt I was going to die. Then it reached its peak and exploded into strange and blissful waves moving throughout my body. I laughed and laughed until I felt I was going mad. Then quit and got up. Just after that experience I quit university as I had lost all motivation and was unable to concentrate on my studies. I found my self reading the same pages over and over again without anything getting in. The following years was very hard with depressions, anxietiy and despair. I moved around a lot, unable to study or work for more than short periods of time. Several times I moved back to live with my parents and probably became a great burden and source of worry for them because of my negativity and pessimism.
In the winter of 2008 I went through a very confusing period of dissolution followed by a period of extreme fear. I realized something had to be done if I was to survive, and then started to read literature about Buddhism. I first read "Zen and the psychology of transformation" by Hubert Benoit. Then started reading "Zen mind beginners mind" and the translations of Lu K'uan Yu ( Charles Luk ), particularly his translation of the Shurangama Sutra. Then I started studying the sutra commentaries and dharma talks by the venerable master Hsuan Hua. After one year of reading I attended a beginners course at a Karma Kagyu centre, after that started to practice shamata, mainly using the breath as object for concentration. Since beginning the sitting practice for me ranged from mildly frustrating to pure torture, with only some occasional pleasant experiences. I think maybe I have been visiting Equanimity stage some periods this spring, but find that I'm stuck in re-observation. If my self-diagnosis indeed is correct I strongly feel it's about time to move on. I understand insight practice is the way to go, but there are so many different methods and different advice given by different teachers.
My daily sitting practice is approximately two hours daily, mainly breath awareness and chanting of sutras, mantras and prayers. If I could only find a method I had faith in and that I could relatively quickly experience some effect from I could easily use more time each day, and also I would like some method that could be applied throughout the day. I feel that there is just a little adjustment of effort that is needed in order to progress, but are in doubt as to how to make that adjustment.
After just reading some chapters of the MCTB I realized I was not concentrating strong enough, I adjusted the concentration just a little and then, by changing focus slightly to the pleasantness of the breath, a flickering light appeared, there was numbness in arms and my hands started sweating. Then strange and wonderful sensations arose in the body. I quickly lost my concentration and it ended, but was able to repeat it once again in same sitting period, and once again in bed just before going to sleep same night. After that I have been to disturbed by expectations to repeat.
I would especially like to hear if anybody here have any experience with using the method of Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, who realized perfect penetration by means of the faculty of hearing. To turn the hearing inside and listen to the nature?
Also, since I have a lot of sitting pain, maybe that pain would be good object for insight practice?
Any advice on how to quickly proceed from re-observation would be appreciated.
Also, off course, my self-diagnosis might be completely wrong. If you think so, please tell me.
Thanks
Inge
