Hi Everyone.

Firstly a small intro. I'm a meditator of humble attainments, though I'm pretty stoked to have the first fruits of Mindfulness showing in my life. I know now (since reading on this site) that I went through A&P about 10 years ago, and spent most of that decade in various levels of Dark Night hell! I recently learnt to meditate properly in the Buddha's tradition of training (as apposed to new age derivatives) and have made good progress in the last 4 months. I would describe myself as having confidence in the path/teaching and realising the subtle beauty of Mindfulness.

My question for you fine folk is this;

My best mate, whom I have known since 12 years old, and who was instrumental in my A&P experiences 10 years ago, is about to make what I regard some critical errors in life.

6 months ago I would probably just told him what I thought, but I am aware now that in this situation it feels like that would backfire and drive him further along his mistaken path. I wish I could download some Mindfulness to him so he could see what he is doing.

He has been in a defacto relationship for 4 years. All of a sudden he has fallen for another girl, and is saying things like "he wants to realise his potential in life" and that this girl is the 'perfect compliment to his next phase' all sorts of new ageisms actually. He has not officially ended his defacto relationship, but I can see it coming soon.

I'm pretty sure if I confront the real issues I'm going to drive him from seeing it himself. So I have made it very clear that he has to learn to meditate and that is the direction his 'potential' lies in. I have a foreboding sense that if I spell out what I see, it will backfire, but at the same time, mindfulness is not something that happens over night.

Being a married man of 14 years, you can guess what my basic advice would be. "Don't use people, they are not a 'path'." What I am sensing is that this is something coming from the core of who he is and I do not have the skill to confront this without making a mess of it.

The irony is he was a part of me 'waking up' all those years ago, and we have always discussed life candidly.

Any advice?

Andrew

Hi Andrew,

IMO, tough decision and I also find similiar challenges from time to time, regarding 'advice'.
The thing is, at times I am not sure whether I am doing this for the other person, or whether its stemming from what 'I THINK' that other person should do, because 'I KNOW'..

Still, I'm not suggesting that you should do either, basically suggesting that you look deep into how the situation is making YOU feel, rather then your friend.

yes, that is buzzing in my head too!

Thanks for the advice! there are so many levels to this and my own mindfulness is just sprouting. My own reaction is basically negative, which is why I don't want to give it. And you are right, there is a big I KNOW, I THINK going on. which is why I'm leaning to giving him only the I KNOW meditation will help you advice vs, the 3 hours of back and forth over every other issue!

Thankyou very much Yadid. I will call him and put off discussing anything further until I can answer 'what am I seeing in me'.

All I can understand from your post is that your friend is changing partners. In what way is he 'using' women? Do you mean he uses them to bolster his ego, without loving them? From what I have seen, it's quite a common setup to partner someone who simply meets your needs for company, sex, financial stability and so on. But if the two partners are willing to work hard, love might develop. Then that love can become another gateway to wisdom/insight because it creates favourable states in the nervous system. Love seems rare. I guess that's because love requires a surrender and vulnerability that is not permitted by a person with a strong ego.

Yes, that could it. I am a believer in;

"two partners are willing to work hard, love might develop. Then that love can become another gateway to wisdom/insight because it creates favourable states in the nervous system. Love seems rare [but worth it]"

I don't see the point of mindlessly wasting ones life not going deep. Not that I'm an angel or very good at it, but that is what I have done in my life even if only by default. I can see that is one of the factors for me, I will lose that mutual agreement with him that I have enjoyed over the last 4 years. But perhaps I was blind.

I feel for the girl also. She is such a loving person and really doesn't deserve to be left hanging for the reason he has given to me. Which though couched in a certain 'meaningese' is basically selfish ego crap.

Anyway, thank you for your perspective, it is very close to what is happening. I guess it is disappointing to me to see the truth that in fact he has used her in the ways you have described without committing to the second part of your post. I am much clearer on how I feel about this even just in one day of considering it. I rang him to catch up later in the week (he wanted to chat today) so I could be even clearer.



cheers



A

With respect, I don't know that having "agreements" is such a good idea in a friendship. Did he agree to these agreements, or are they unspoken rules you want to impose on your relationship?

He might find an intimacy with the new girl that is so strong that love easily blossoms. If he stays where he is, he may find the work of creating love becomes drudgery. Not very natural.

For me it would matter how much he feels in his heart for each of them, and how easy/hard it might be to progress to love. Probably not an easy thing to tell early on because the newness of the new girl adds enormous excitement.

Yes, unspoken agreement, that I hadn't thought about till writing the post.

There are a lot of levels to this sort of thing, no doubt. Thanks for your post. I will check in to update later, and also get into the other discussions hopefully.

metta to all.

Andrew

Hi Andrew

I feel sometimes that I would like "to download Mindfulness to somebody" and special to people who I like. But we need to learn to accept that we can not do it and accept that nobody is perfect.
Talk with him and talk with him even about the button "download". If you talk with him as his friend it will be perfect for your relationship with him, maybe he will not the best boyfriend but maybe you will have a good friend.

Take care
Ivana

Hey Ivana!

Good to hear from you. that is exactly the feeling of panic I had; "I need him to have mindfulness, a practice" and really there is nothing anyone can do to download that to another person.

Since that time I have been able to talk with him about the whole self-referential spin that is the trap of guys our age, never committing to anything and just 'spinning in infinity' with one bullshit excuse after another.

He is still a good friend, but the playing field has changed, which I guess it was always doing anyway, I just didn't see that.

Good to here from you, 'The Meditator'!

(Who would have thought that avatar would be available? hahaha)

love
Andy

I think a name "The Meditator" waited for me. . It is the right name for me. I choose it.
I am not a buddhist and I try to build up my "I". I did washed my self today, I gave food myself today, I did not harm my self by smoking cigarettes, etc. It is always about "I".

Have a fun
The Meditator