2021-05-02 16:21
The today and yesterday have been quite positive


Sat or meditated multiple times for more than one hour both days


Day before yesterday was also open, spacious, and relaxed with solid remembering/mindfulnes/sati


Surrender seems to be a key theme
Letting go of fear seems to be a key theme


2021-05-03 07:53
* I resolve to bring mindful, aware, alertness to every experience
* Especially eating and talking
* May all beings awaken


2021-05-03 11:32
* Mindfulness of hunger, mindfulness of eating
* Looked at a survey, initially started stressing to find "right" numbers that conveyed how "I" truly feel. Looked again, intently and saw that the numbers in the survey were simply numbers.
* Appreciation and gratitude for co-workers


2021-05-04
* spacious awareness while sitting with pain
* took breaks during sit to relax/release pain in legs
* goal: develop greater willingness to experience pain while sitting, prepare for the eventual possibility of a painful death
* meditation teacher recommending following the "motivation in the body" feelings as a way of connecting as opposed to "reasoning out of the head" feelings, with limitations or reservations


2021-05-05 07:58
* awareness during a group discussion in a religious context
* spacious nondual awareness seems straightforwardly available in daily life


2021-05-05 11:42
* noting/examining the feeling of being "done" or of being totally satisfied or of being completed
* sukkha that transcends samsara sukkha beyond samsara


2021-05-06 05:36
* Moral superiority and moral inferiority can both sometimes be manifestations of pride/conceit (mana)
* Wanting to drop into specific, labeled samatha states can sometimes be attachment to form (ruparaga)
* Wanting to drop into specific, labeled vipassana states can sometimes be attachment to formlessness/emptiness (aruparaga)
* All three of these feel like flypaper or sticky glue
* Watching phenomena arise and pass or watching dependent co-arising with equanimity deals with the stickiness by allowing form or emptiness to do their thing
* Liberation is fun


2021-05-06 11:40
* anxiety, but coming from a vast, spacious place?
* so much coming going happening all the time


2021-05-06 19:28
* Wow
* Just sat for about 50 min or so
* Feel very opened and spacious and chill
* Emptiness seems big and mind seems less jumpy


2021-05-06 19:30
* anxiety causing thoughts or thought patterns seemed to recur fairly quickly


2021-05-09 21:25
* Coming off of three day trip
* No formal practice over the past three days
* Biggest takeaway: moral superiority or inferiority plus that feeling of "I could or should be doing X, Y, or Z instead" seems tied to a deep stuck place
* Was able to bring clear awareness deep into that place and let awareness expand
* Reliquishing the greed to avoid wasting time
* Relinquishing the greed to be the best


2021-05-10 05:54
* noticing some remaining stuck places or blind spots
* Some stuck places refer to judging others
* Some stuck places refer to missing blind spots in self


2021-05-11 06:25
* noticing a collapse or pride or mana around being consistent or competent


2021-05-12 22:00
* No formal meditation practice
* Experienced nausea and vomiting after overeating after exercise
* Waves of nausea hit but they were experienced with equanimity and acceptance


2021-05-13 07:28
* I resolve to bring equanimity / upekkha and investigation of reality / dhamma vicaya to every interaction, every moment from now until midnight Sunday. Update will come on Monday or Tuesday.


2021-05-13 10:44
* Feeling a lot of sense desire
* The desire seems... less sticky? Seems like energy waves flowing through the body
* There seems to be a lot of optionality or opportunity to choose how to respond to the desire


2021-15-14 05:45 - 06:20
* Mind was jumpier, partially related to watching TV shows last night
* Settled down into samatha/jhanic states and insight states
* Sitting on floor burmese style
* It helps knowing that equanimity is accessible or available through sitting practice


2021-15-14 21:00
* Experienced awkwardness or being uncomfortable in a social setting
* Greeting the awkwardness with calm acceptance or easing into


2021-05-15 11:48
* Experienced emotion or reactions to something I read online
* The emotion or reactions seemed to slide or wave into each other like waves on an ocean
* Experienced sense desire like waves rippling through the body
* Playing with idea/view/perspective of bodhicitta "awake body/mind" "may all beings experience awakening"
* Also playing with the idea/view/perspective of surrender, giving up, letting go, release, etc
* The ideas and views seem to meld or morph into each other
* Feel like ideas or views are more like waves on an ocean


2021-05-16 17:02
* the concept or perspective of being grounded in a center point or having a "moral foundation" has been fundamentally altered or shaken in a deep, rich, liberating way
* The end is never the end


2021-05-17 06:09
* played sports yesterday from a more nondual place
* Less focus on the scoreboard, more focus on each play as a game, as a moment, as an art in itself


2021-05-18 19:00
* Being in conflict with another person sort of requires being in a dualistic state
* In the nondual state realities merge and influences flow through each other


2021-05-19 07:15
* Loneliness and insecurity feelings
* Initially saw the loneliness as a problem to be solved
* Letting go and allowing the loneliness and insecurity to be there


2021-05-19 07:30
* letting go of self-blame
* Letting the experience of 'being jey' occur, arise, and pass
* Recognizing that other people will have their own reactions and feelings about that


2021-05-22 21:55
* No formal practice over the past few days
* Noticing anxiety or reaction while painting a craft and making a mistake
* Noticing a "lust jhana"
* Doing more nimitta practice in daily life
* Feeling inclination toward visual / luminous samatha practice


2021-05-24 07:38
* Noticing anxiety, repression, deep bodymind (citta) parts shut down either totally or partially
* Learning to accept both the repressed and repressing parts of the bodymind
* Learning to let go of the striving or the conflict or the burden in both directions


2021-05-24 07:46
* There is plenty of room for healing, cleansing, restoration, and unification of this bodymind


2021-05-24 09:16
* considering spending more time exploring emotional processing, nedera, ideal parent framework, internal family systems, and other emotional healing modalities




2021-05-24 09:29
* seeing or observing desires as rooted in a self-concept or separate self-identity


2021-05-24 09:36
* having a harder time distinguishing my anxiety from someone else's anxiety


2021-05-24 09:44 * more anxiety
* feeling anxiety without necessarily having to do anything


2021-05-24 09:51 more anxiety
* giving love and understanding to the scared child inside


2021-05-24
* practiced while sitting in a plane
* Concentration/samatha especially with the nimitta seemed powerful


2021-05-25
* No formal practice
* Focusing on mindfulnes and keeping viscosity of thoughts flowing in daily life


2021-05-26
* no formal practice
* Stretching and watching nimitta before bed


2021-05-27
* No formal practice
* Intrigued my Michael Taft's upcoming vast sky mind course and nondual practice in general


2021-05-28 07:13 - 07:43
* Sitting on cushion
* Samatha/stillness calling
* Healing in the stillness (as described by Stephen Proctor)
* Occasional gaps/fruition/phala
* The gaps seemed more still


2021-05-29 08:07
* letting go of the need to be the teacher, to be the helper, to end the suffering, to end the pain, to end the stress of another


2021-05-29 08:13
* found this vast sky mind practice and deeply enjoyed it. By Leo Babauta
* https://zenhabits.net/sky/
* "... Start by sitting in a comfortable but upright position, with your eyes open, relaxing into an awareness of your body and breath. Just notice what it’s like to be alive right now.
* After a minute or so of that, tune into the sounds all around you. Just receive them, without judgment, without labeling them. Just notice how you can have a wide open awareness of all sounds. You don’t need to do anything about them. You are just experiencing the sounds, arising and then fading away.
* Next, open your awareness to all sight sensations around you, without labeling or judging them. Just notice light all around you. Just be aware of shapes and colors and textures. Let your awareness open to soak in all sight sensations, from all around you.
* Let your awareness relax into an openness that takes in all sensations all around you. Open to the sensations of your body, the sensations outside of your body, and let them all become one big field of awareness, no separation between what’s inside you and what’s outside you, just one ocean of sensation. You can sit in this vast open sky of awareness..."

2021-06-05 08:57
No formal practice recollected over the past week or so


There seems to be an equanimity or letting go toward this


There seems to be a sense that practice will pick back up again soon


Spontaneous gap/pala/cessation mindfully paying attention during nice restaurant meal yesterday


Similar gap while paying attention to eating oatmeal and beans in the hotel room afterward


2021-06-07 07:34
* I was tired and hungry yesterday
* With the tiredness and hunger came a narrative of anger
* The spacious sky mind practice allows anger to be quickly metabolized or experienced as sensation

* There may be another dimension or window here... Something deeper... Not noticed fully yet


2021-06-10 05:59
* More of a relaxed general equanimity state over the past 24 hours
* I formally resolve to not spend a bunch of time browsing social media or other sites


2021-06-11 06:15 - 07:15
* Sits are getting hard to cleanly or linearly describe
* Gaps, pala, concentration, nonduality, jhana, etc all seem like labels for things that pop up and disappear
* The samatha and vipassana states seem less like separate objects and more like forest glens connected by a single trail
* May all beings awaken to the impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and non-self nature of all phenomena
* May this lead to great liberation and less suffering for all beings
* May this life and this bodymind be always used to further the awakening of all beings


2021-06-13 14:11
* wakefulness is relaxing


2021-06-13 14:56 - 15:18
* Quick vipassana ride and then jhana run
* Sitting with some practice questions presented by a meditation friend
* Answers to the questions seemed to arise in nondual space
* Jhanas were lite / less heavy but still compelling


2021-06-14 18:55
* when what's happening is nibanna all day, what's next loses its thirsty allure


2021-06-15 06:14
* letting go of what I want for what is
* Letting go of who I want people to be for who they actually are


2021-06-15 20:55
* Equanimity and acceptance toward all beings
* Equanimity and acceptance toward friends and enemies
* Equanimity and acceptance toward people who help and people who hurt
* Compassion, lovingkindness, and forgiveness for all beings


2021-06-16 11:47
* have compassion on the people trapped in selfishness and hatred
* Pursue mutidimensional win states where more beings can be blessed and liberated
* Respect that not all beings are ready to "take the plunge" into full liberation yet


2021-06-17 06:25
* Nobody lives forever, but our fleeting life can be a wonderful song of liberation and compassion and freedom
* Some pursuits are worth pursuing in spite of failure


2021-06-20 20:35
* interest in pushing forward on the path
* Passion for liberation and making a difference
* Intrigue over the potential of seeking a new teacher
* Much of this has been stirred by conversation with dhamma friends
* Also, struggling with some latent anger or impatience with people who don't seem to want to support, cooperate, or help other find liberation


2021-06-20 20:46
* Dana reflection: start with where you are
* There are haters and worriers and naysayers, but don't give up
* Grow to where you want to be




2021-06-21 06:40 - 07:40
* wild ride through vipassana + shamatha fusion
* Lots of teachery thoughts and related ideas appearing
* Stability of mind and quiet also occurred


2021-06-21 12:51
* Sitting in the morning seems to help open a more spacious expansive less collapsed view during the day




2021-06-22 05:45 - 06:45
* More clarity, more focus on breath today than yesterday
* Less mind wandering or distractions
* Harder samatha states / jhanas
* No separate self / no separate self / no separate self
* May all beings awaken
* Openness to a teacher
* Remaining mindful into and out of gaps / fruition / phala


2021-06-23 07:30 - 07:50
* Gaps/fruition/phala
* Quickjhana run up to 4thish?
* Cool, light, chill


2021-06-24 06:00
* I would like to spend my time exploring the spiritual path and helping others explore it
* I would like to be a generous, giving person in the same spirit of generosity I have experienced


2021-06-24 19:09
* Noticed thought patterns / conditioning / old kamma / sankharas arising while walking around a grocery store
* Mindfulness/awareness/emptiness seems to provide greater optionality around old kamma
* Seems to be possible to choose whether or not to act on the old kamma

2021-06-25 05:51
* Woke up early (roughly 1 hr ago?) and felt sense of "let's sit now"
* Sitting on cushion
* Meditating on the Mind / TMI Stage 9 / dropping the ball / shikentaza / samatha without object
* Started realizing that jhanic / concentration / flow states were occurring with this practice
* Insights/gaps/fruitions phala were also occurring
* This practice can be continued or followed effectively off the cushion as well
* Walking meditation
* Returning to sitting on ground in half-lotus for a few moments
* I resolve to remain in and return to sunyata / emptiness for the next 48 hours
* I resolve to practice samatha without object for at least 10 min each day


2021-06-26 09:10 - 09:40
* Tmi stage 9 meditating on mind / samatha without object
* Distractions around words of advice i was interested in giving to someone
* Releasing distractions and moving through jhamas
* Felt like things got arupa or less formed.
* Insight experiences started alternating rapidly with formed and formless jhanas on their own
* Super interesting
* Addressing attachment to form and formlessness?


2021-06-26 10:48
* received some feedback from an experienced meditator via discord
* Instead of rupa raga as "attachment to form realms" this yogi shared it as "formed attachment" e.g. wanting to watch a specific tv show
* Instead of arupa raga as "attachment to formless realms" this yogi shared it as "formless attachment" e..g. Just wanting to watch anything
* I think I may be at the cutting edge of my practice / limit of my understanding here


2021-06-27 06:29
* Unforced
* Open
* Receptive
* Flowing
* Gently pulsing beyond concepts? Beyond words? Beyond categories?


2021-06-27 14:06
* Just finished a sit
* Sit seemed briefer than most
* May all beings awaken was part of the sit
* Seeing the emptiness of all beings was part of the sit
* Jhana and phala were part of the sit
* May all beings awaken
* To the free, liberated nature of every sensation and every moment
* May all beings unleash their true potential
* May all streams find the sea


2021-06-28 06:41
* Finished a sit
* Doing samath w/o object meditation on mind.
* Focus or cutting edge seems to be letting go of agency or letting go of being in control


2021-06-28 07:13
Another piece: letting go of prebuilt narrative
Letting conversations


2021-06-29 06:43
* Samsara is nirvana
* States, stages, jhanas, nyanas, fruitions, paths arising dance disappear do their thing
* The end is the beginning
* The winner is the loser
* The opening is the closing
* May all beings awaken


2021-06-29 10:23
* wow there seems to be much less self going on right now


2021-06-29 18:33
* more stable samatha state
* Less sense of self or doer.
* Letting go


2021-06-29 22:04
*  I felt frustrated by something a family member did b/c I thought it was a missed opportunity for kindness
* It became clear today, days later, that a  personal need or desire to be a kind person , to atone for my existence was at the root of the frustration

2021-06-30 08:00
* Hunger and sleepiness can help amplify reactions or conditioning or old kamma
* Metacognitive introspective awareness helps see through, untangle, and release those reactions or conditioning or old kamma

2021-07-01 07:12

• more "distractions" or tempestuous mind, especially at the beginning of the sit
• Quieter, calmer mind afterward

2021-07-02 23:40

• fireworks are pretty, but there's something indellible about the sky

2021-07-03 07:12

• forgiveness
• Esp toward leaders, bosses, and other people in the past
• Crying felt good

2021-07-03 07:40

• letting that emotion flow

2021-07-03 07:49

• my dream, more than anything else, is to help people wake up and suffer less and be at peace with their pain and misery no matter what they're going through
• I have no idea how to do that
• But I will keep living
• I want to be a vessel of compassion

2021-07-03 10:26

• This sit's theme: relaxing tension
• Off cushion - noticing emotional tension or stuckness or frustration, letting that emotion rise up, crying, expressing it, saying, "I forgive you", letting it go
• On cushion - making small adjustments to keep posture aligned and relax tension, when shudders or energy waves occur, consciously relaxing and adjusting posture afterward
• On cushion (courtesy of MCTB2) - when a shudder, gap, or fruition hits, squeezing the eyelids shut tighter and then relaxing them
• Results: feeling brighter and clearer, sitting longer with less pain, more joy
• Metta to you all
• Giving myself permission to shift around on the cushion, especially back and shoulders, has improved sits a lot

2021-07-03 22:27

• Noticing some buried hurt, resentment, and unforgiveness coming out as angry or hurt or tragic imagination or fantasy
• Wrestling or struggling with forgiveness
• Wrestling or struggling with how to relate to this person
• The idea of forgiveness as a healing and stilling practice from Stephen Proctor is helping

2021-07-03 22:48

• i resolve to forgive hurts and wounds big and small
• I resolve to release those hurts and wounds into stillness over and over again
• Where appropriate, I commit to taking responsibility to remove or separate myself from people who intend to hurt me

2021-07-04 15:31

• my favorite form of spiritual practice is unconditional surrender
• May all beings awaken
• Shifting from trying to get somewhere to total surrender to right now

2021-07-04 20:19

• softening into every reaction

2021-07-05 07:25

• Noticing frustration and anger
• Seemed to be directed by or related to life not going the way I wanted it to go
• Softening into or releasing or letting go lf that need to be in control of what happens
• Softening into surrender

2021-07-05 07:34

• it's easy to fall into the illusion of being in control when fixing or adjusting something

2021-07-05 07:52

• noticing that I'm fused to or collapsed on stuck in the idea of being a helper or giver

2021-07-05-07:59

• practicing forgiveness and the four brahmaviharas and bodhicitta toward self
• Surrender to the ride, wherever it takes us

2021-07-05 08:03

• unexpected curve balls aren't interfering with practice; they're facilitating it

2021-07-05 09:24

• Forgiving and letting go of past hurts and trauma in the context of encountering other situations and cultures
• Forgiving and letting go of trying to fix the world or heal or save everyone
• Letting go of "the calling"

2021-07-05 11:19

• Letting go of any escape
• Letting go of "my plan"
• Letting go of wanting things to be different, better, nicer, faster, smoother
• Letting go of wanting everyone to do better
• Letting go of letting go

2021-07-05 20:14

• extending the same kindness and compassion toward myself and my family that I would show to others
• Forgiveness is amazing

2021-07-06 05:51

• surprisingly clear and bright awareness
• Forgiveness doesnt mean being best friends with someone with a history of habitually hurting me
• Forgiveness means letting those hurts and pains go

2021-07-06 06:27

• never give up on the pursuit of awakening

2021-07-06 06:36

• letting go of the fear of success
• Letting go of the fear of forgetting where I came from
• Letting go of the fear of being in the way
• Letting go of the fear of being a jerk

2021-07-08 07:53

• Generosity arising
• Tears and crying connected to it
• Is it possible? Is it possible to live a life of radical generosity without grasping, clinging, building projects around oneself like towers, without hurting or harming others?
• Can it be done?
• Can we do less harm while doing more good?

2021-07-08 10:45

• Awaken the planet
• heal the world

2021-07-09 05:26

• Doing some quiet feeling of feelings
• Crying
• At what point, after what achievement are you going to accept yourself?
• Impetus or fuel for practice, to dive deeper and surrender more

2021-07-09 07:09

• the emotional activation triggered a habitual pattern of achievement-pursuing thinking
• Sitting in silent meditation opened a very spacious, impermanent, empty way of relating to this pattern
• It was like replaying or reliving a lot of past thoughts but with a gap or void where the "I" would be
• It challenged or subverted or emptied the concept of "I can achieve this"

2021-07-09 13:13 

• nonself experience
• On a video call, seeing through another person's eyes
• I get why they call it maha

2021-07-09 15:48

• Expounding more on update before

Having more nonself experiences in daily life (e.g. on video calls); starting to understand why samatha w/o object (hereafter sw/oo) comes with multiple synonyms, prefixes like "maha", etc.
Sometimes it feels like mind is intentionally triggering or activating emotional conditioning (old kamma) so that the metacognitive awareness from sw/oo can "digest" it.
Sometimes it feels like mind is intentionally taking a different person's perspective so both "my" perspective and "their" perspective can merge and then be enveloped by sw/oo.
2021-07-12 15:33

• meditative introspective awareness expanding while walking down a work hallway

2021-07-12

• Expansive awareness while walking around an urban environment
• Compassion/empathy arose to the point of tears while walking
• There was some general open compassion and then some compassion with a deep sense of grief and loss

2021-07-13 07:45

• Expansive, open awareness
• Gaps/fruition/phala
• Concentrated on something subtle after the gap and seemed to enter a jhanic state
• Was this the bliss wave jhana?

2021-07-14 21:46

• Set healthy boundaries
• Don't fight the merge

2021-07-15 06:13

• releasing, lletting go, relinquishing the need to make things better
• This moment, all by itself

2021-07-15 07:11

• focusing more in a restful, calming direction
• Relaxing the shudders and shakes to be more gentle and calm
• May all beings be free

2021-07-15 20:26

• Allow every conversation to be a complete renewal and reset
• Allow for every person to change and transform
• Don't make assumptions: make opportunities

2021-07-21
I accept you for who you areFamily, friends, co workers, strangers, enemies, self
2021-07-22 07:55
Forgiveness opens equanimity and creativity
Forgive or let go
2021-07-22 08:08

• Slomo synchro 
• Softening into everything
• Emptiness and form are tangled up in the backseat
• Holy fuck.
• It's over ;
• Mind rides ñanas like surfers ride waves
• To have the ability to go into vast formless realms at will and yet to let stages and states arise and pass
• To have ability to touch nibbana itself and yet allow stages and states to arise and pass
• Game over
• The end is never the end
• This is the beginning 
• This is the end
• This is beautiful
• This is monstrous
• No escape
• No imprisonment
• Farewell friends
• Oh hi nice to see you friends

2021-07-23

• relax
• Dont optimize so har

2021-07-24 08:26

• FORGIVENESS

2021-07-24 10:27

• more rest, kindness, stillness, and silence
• Letting go and letting every moment, state, reality reveal itself

2021-07-25

• running toward and running away from power are two sides of the same coin

2021-07-26 06:44

• Rehearsing the possibility of bringing equanimous slow synchro soften into chill into every moment

2021-07-26 07:56

• equanimity toward views, ideals, people, strategies

2021-07-26 17:42

• Dropping the attachment toward making the "right choice", associating with the "right people", doing the "right thing", etc.
• Criticizing the judgmental is falling into a trap. Forgiving the judgmental is escaping the trap.

2021-07-26 20:18 

• just had a crazy wild old kamma ride
• After about 2 hours the wild ride settled down
• Everything feels more normal now
• Is it possible or skillful to intentionally trigger old kamma and then let it go?

2021-07-27 06:27

• Old kamma rising
• Instead of building a plan, riding the waves
• Everything is impermanent

2021-07-29 06:31

• Greater emphasis on softening, slowing down, everything syncing up
• Smoothing things out
• Still emphasis on processing, digesting, and letting go of old kamma or old intentions or old expectations

2021-07-30 06:39

• Wow
• Sitting
• Gap phala fruition
• Jhanas
• States
• Chakras
• Energy body (came up during group meeting last night)
• Super blissful

2021-07-31 07:27

• personality feels like a series of sensations; like beads on a string
• What if i stopped trying to concentrate on and string together certain narratives?
  • I am always helpful
  • I am always competent
  • I am always compassionate
  • I am always smart and intelligent
• What if i let that stuff go?

2021-08-01 05:40
Earlier at around 03:00, woke up with a word
Something like disambiguate and deconstruct combined?
I think I need to keep a diary by my bed...
2021-08-01 06:14
Letting go of fear
Letting go of resentment and anger
Arising and shredding the past sankharas against the sharp awareness of emptiness
Let it all go
Be here now

2021-08-01 11:28
I formally resolve to remain in the natural state of mind, in emptiness, beyond the dualistic illusion of self-centered control as much as possible
I dedicate my life to the practice of nondual, emptiness-fueled awakening
May all beings be free
I release all beings
I forgive all beings
May all beings be free
From the illusion of duality
2021-08-02 07:02
Wow.
Samsara is nibbana.
May all beings be free.
What would an awakened office worker look like? Act like? Talk like?
I resolve to keep practicing meditating on the mind and keep releasing the attachment to the self or doer or watcher.
I resolve to use the gifts and abilities I have for the benefit and liberation of all beings.
May all beings be free.

2021-08-02 22:11
Let stuff go
Pursue awakening
All the way

2021-08-03 06:09
Time for a quieter, more disciplined life and a quieter, more disciplined mind
Time for letting go of shaking, disturbances, quests, and questioning
Time for letting go of wanting
Time for letting go of desire and aversion
Time for letting go
May all beings be free
2021-08-03 06:16
Don't obsess over having the best, most ethically skillful, most productive job.
Let go of obsession.
Let causality unfold and wash over "you"
Let life and experience display itself
2021-08-03 22:13
accept all possible worlds
Accept the wildness
2021-08-04 19:42
Food influences how many thoughts show up plus emotions plus mood
2021-08-04 22:23
Found myself attaching to a narrative of self-righteous comparison against other people
Learning to let go of this stuck, self-righteous comparison
May all beings be free
2021-08-05 06:52
Anchored in silence
Anchored in rest
Surrender
Let go of wanting power
Let go of wanting to improve
Let each obstacle, each objective, each conflict flicker and disappear
Fully surrender to the end finality, the giving up, the going away
Fully surrender
May all beings be free
2021-08-05 18:22
Surrendering everything that feels like self-righteousness
Surrendering everything that feels like self-promotion
Surrendering everything that feels like self-hatred
Surrendering everything that feels like self-rejection

2021-08-05 19:28
Intrigued by the possibility of warmth and compassion without possessiveness or clinging or control
Intrigued and intoxicated
2021-08-05 22:44
Letting go of wanting to be wealthy and generous
Letting go of attachment to the self-identity of generosity

2021-08-08 07:20
Sit felt jumbled and all over the place, yet equanimous
Sense or resolution to fully be present or be with whatever unfolds today
Sense or resolution to not try to fine grain or finesse the advanced dhamma states too much but rather let life rush in
There is a certain hunger for reading and study which seems to be popping up
2021-08-09 05:24
Rewatched this yoga lotus / padmasana for beginners training video
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vtBLuv4IMOM&list=PL3RcCroTnS8V8ZkcGOAOTReLO7BkittFl&index=5&t=195s
Realized spending more time sitting on hard surfaces (esp toilet seat) was potentially causing hip pain (esp in right hip)
Planning to do more of the flexibility / hip rotation exercises from the video and try to use cushions more often
Also planning to do the hip stretch / triangle with soles inside from the beginning of the video more often and hold it longer
2021-08-09 07:58
Deeper purifications/emotional content
Let it come, let it be, let it go
2021-08-10 05:27
Misery is the fuel of awakening
2021-08-10 06:47
Samatha or concentration first seemed to lead to a more clear, more stable sit
Game over and yet the game is just beginningIt's like New Game +

2021-08-12 07:04
More open to bliss and joy in the body and the mind
Less resistance to pleasure
Starting with silent sitting
Going from a choppy, hurried mindTo a quiet, stilled, spacious mind
Concentration or samatha arising
From that quiet, still place
2021-08-14 09:14
Sitting with more samatha or shiné or concentration or calm abiding emphasis
Insight still arose a bit here and there but was mostly still , quiet, less formed
Less shaking, less muscle tension, less body pain arose
May all wake
Om uh hum
Releasing the sound
Hal leh luh yah
May all free
2021-08-13 06:07
Feet closer to knees when sitting half lotus
Seemed more stable with less knee tension
2021-08-13 07:10
Mantra in the body
Blissful energy in the body
Positive affect joy compassion
Even when having uncomfortable convo
Seeing the dak/dakini and the buddha nature talking to others
2021-08-15 07:29
More samatha/concentration stuff is happening
2021-08-15 07:34
Wow. Most of the things I've been stressing about simply do not matter right here right now
2021-08-15 12:39
Interesting sit. I missed the end timer b/c I set it incorrectly.
Started feeling jumpy and restless but persisted.
Higher concentration.
2021-08-16 05:29
Working during the weekend while trying to watch tv disturbed samadhi
2021-08-16 21:41
So hard to explain or nuance, but deep samadhi and deep emotion seem to be comoletely compatible
Emotions arise like clouds and fill the spacious sky of experience without overwhelming it
Sky never yields, even to thunderstorms
2021-08-22 23:19
Letting go of anxiety consciously or intentionally even though it's not me or mine
2021-08-23 06:07
Moment by moment easing into tension or stuck places and releasing them
2021-08-23 07:16
During silent sitting
Mindfully focusing the mind on a concentration or insight direction
Applying appropriate effort
Yet opening to effortlessness
2021-08-27 07:44
Mind seemed more stable today
Was this because I didn't eat late last night?
Jhana or samatha seems compelling

2021-08-28 07:53
Sat directly on floor sukkhasana (Indian style)
Numbness pain arose toward the end of the sit
Led to some interesting meditative states, but I ended up stretching and letting the body relax before finishing the sit.
2021-08-29 11:19
Becoming more open to embracing and accepting the light and shadow of my past background in spirituality and religion.
I'm less angry or frustrated with traditional organized religious leaders.
I'm more open to letting myself participate in and enjoy spiritual practices like praying or singing or preaching that I was more involved with in the past
Letting go of resentment and fear.
Staying angry seems less compelling.
Letting go, letting causality ring on feels great.

2021-09-01 18:07
Amazing how biological things (like a full bladder) can have an outsized impact on feelings, mental talk, mental imagery, etc.
Amazing how causality rings on
Amazing how everything is interconnected
Amazing how grief ties to feeling deeply ties to love ties to joy
2021-09-04 06:14
While sitting, being aware of keeping the spine long and straight seems to help
Noticing mind jumping or racing to fix perceived problems or address concerns
Slowing it down
2021-09-04 09:33
Doing Baddha Konasana following instructions at verywellfit.com for about 5 - 10 min before sitting sukhasana for meditation seemed to help stabilize the body and the mind
Lots of gaps/fruitions/phala moments while sitting today
Forgiving or letting go of many past people places things and ideas
Books by Barbara Keesling and or Ben Joffee seem relevant to working with body energy at this time

2021-09-05 06:15
Forgiveness seems tied or connected to letting go of anxiety and anger
Seems so powerful, deep, placid, courageous, and serene
2021-09-05 08:04
sitting straight, spine aligning energy centers in the bodyLocked, aligned, released, balanced, ohm
2021-09-05 21:54
Meditation is helping me let go of wanting to be anyone or anything different
2021-09-06 07:56
What if I stopped trying to fix everything?What would happen?
2021-09-07 07:17
Dropping out
After a while of sitting
Letting go
Extinguishing the voices and the running
Silence
Yet from that silence, imagery, feelings, desires
Back to silence again
2021-09-07 14:53
It is possible to live from the acceptance, relinquishing, yielding, liberated place.
2021-09-08 07:63
It is possible to dip back into emptiness / sunyata in every moment
2021-09-09 07:54
Letting go of intentions
Letting go of new kamma
Letting habits and the past unfold
Letting them arise and pass
Letting everything change
Ohm ah hum
2021-09-11 10:09
Sitting seems like aligning the mind and the body
Boredum, fear, anger, and frustration all seems to be pointers, indicating and opportunity to align
2021-09-11 06:58
Letting go of trying to be in control
Letting go of "what I want"
Letting go of snarky selfishness
Letting it all go
2021-09-12 07:49
Stability
Balance
Letting the centers align
Letting go of the need to control
2021-09-14 05:08
Every moment
Every day
In and of itself
Is fully awake
There is no need to make it be different
2021-09-15 06:14
Mind more jumpy
Learning to see from others points of view
Learning to let go of self-preservation
Collisions between primates seeking food and shelter
Opportunities for transcendence
2021-09-15 21:29
Let go of everything except right now
Let go of trying to put meaning and purpose into anything
Let go of hope and fear
Let go of up and down
May all be free
2021-09-16 06:09
Sit started quiet
Body sensations from sitting flavored the latter part of the sit
Taking a break and/or uncrossing legs for a few minutes calmed the body down
Kindness, respect, understanding for all beings
2021-09-18 08:00
The next frontier of practice is everyday life
May all beings be free
2021-09-18 08:06
Goals today, take care of the simple necessities of life from the perspective of awakening
E.g. chop wood, carry water
2021-09-19 21:15
Feeling inclination more toward concentration practice, especially the luminous jhanas or fire kasina
2021-09-20 06:34
Sitting with an empty bladder helped focus
Sitting first thing AM helped focus
Reminding of trackless path
Reminding of goalless journey
Letting it all go
Stories or narrative mixed like multiple colors of paint
We can never sort out some of the irreconcilable differences
E.g. Anthony Yuan and Natalie Wynn
Yet
In the letting goIn the surrender beyond the views
There is liberation
May all beings awaken
May all beings be free
2021-09-23 05:59
Don't have to try to fix all the sankharas
All the quirks
All the obsessive compulsions
Let them come
Let them be
Let them go
2021-09-24 06:47
Sitting with back of hips toward back of cushion
Less pain and less numbness
Lots of sankharas with more selfish or violent or lustful twinge
Letting the sankharas unfold (took a while) seemed to indicate compassion in the background
Unfolding into calm compassionate merciful loving friendliness kindness
Emptiness and spacious vastness and gaps/phala proceeded
2021-09-25 09:49
Baddha Konasana seems to have led to greater hip flexibility, more stability in the sits, and less pain while sitting.
It seems easier to enter into concentration states or jhanas.
Sit started with a stable jhanic arc and then continued with a sort of alternating between insight / gap / phala and jhana
Different thoughts, habitual inclinations, or sankharas would arise and the dissipate quickly in the combination of concentration and insight
This seemed powerful and skillful; I liked it a lot
2021-09-25 19:53
I resolve to enter in and remain in as high of concentration states as possible.
I resolve to regularly practices concentration / samatha
I resolve to use the fruits of this practice for the benefit of all beings, regardless of my past experiential history with those beings.
2021-09-26 07:32
Distractions popping up
Starting from samatha
Going into concentration
Alternating between samatha and vipassana
Distractions or old kamma or habitual fabrications pop up
The samatha seems to have some pull or weight or gravity to it
Pulls deep toward emptiness/sunyata/phala
Letting it all go
2021-09-27 07:28
Focusing or paying closer attention to nimitta seems skillful for samatha / concentration practice toward luminous jhanas
Samatha has more intrigue or pull right now
Deeper trust in the practice and the process
Ekayana magga nibbana
One way street to nibbana
As Patrick Kearney teaches
2021-09-30 06:32
On cushion, gently inclining intention toward more concentration
Sitting in Burmese style the whole time
Felt the stretch in the hips more than the knees
Deeper concentration leads to deeper insight experiences
Felt like less formed gaps/phala/fruitions
Off cushionTraining greater concentration in everyday life
Gently coming back from distractions to concentration
Really looking and paying attention

Patrick Kearney is superb! A very very balanced mix between the pragmatic and the traditional. Patrick is also one of Stephen Procter's teachers. Stephen is one of mine. Please do check out Patrick's website and his writing as well. Pure gold. I dont have any special comment, just wanted to share - at the risk of cluttering your log.

Hey is it OK to write stuff like this on people's logs? I am new on this forum, don't know the etiquette.

@adivader , thank you for your message. It's good to hear from you.

I appreciate your references to Patrick Kearney here and elsewhere; I agree with your assessment of his teachings.

From what I can tell of the etiquette around here, it is appropriate and welcomed to reply inline to people's logs. I certainly welcome your message above.

I wish you all the best in the inseparable interactions between your practice, your dharma dissemination, and your entire life.

Hello, friends!

Here's a quick update on life and practice for me in early 2022.

Life is good; family is well.
I am still practicing meditation regularly and still exploring awakening.

Please feel free to reach out if more questions or details are desired.

All the best to you all

Vertical physical axis alignment while sitting seems skillful. (Base of pelvis, spine, neck, head)

Stretching and sitting in lotus- or padmasana-like poses seems to help

Seeing or recognizing that everything is deeply richly fundamentally ok

Seeing or recognizing that spontaneous arising of compassion keeps revealing new action

Leaning back a bit in sitting posture putting more weight on hips and less weight on knees has led to 

• Less numbness
• Less stiffness or soreness
• Clearer, more vivid sitting

Leaning back when crossing legs to sit seems to help set this posture or tone
This seems to work well in sukhasana and padmasana postures

Seeing beings everywhere as fundamentally motivated by compassion (although that compassion is often misunderstood, misdirected, and misappropriated) 


Seeing beings everywhere as beautifully complete and interconnected just as they are


Seeing connections between artificial neural nets converging to optimal policies and karmic processes purifying beings


Article link: https://arxiv.org/abs/2010.11223#deepmind

What the growth edge looks like right now:
Abiding in the natural state while still getting stuff done
Being clear and communicative about interpersonal boundaries and expectations while still recognizing the deep interconnectedness of all beings

Nice!

Thank you for your feedback and encouragement, George.

Seeing the opportunity to savour every moment, even the difficult or painful ones
Seeing the opportunity to let go of trying to stop or prevent every painful experience for self or others

Left hand, equanimity

Right hand, compassion


Balanced in the meditation posture

Learning to pace self in practice and let things grow, cultivate, and mature organically
Learning to commit to practice and surrender or trust the outcomes to arise and unfold
May goodness spread to all that is known

There is a nobility, courage, and freedom that does not depend on the 8 winds of conventional success (prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure).
There is more to life than being smart and rich.
There is more to life than being powerful and admired.
There are noble ones beyond recognition of emperors and kings.
There are victors beyond generals and warriors.