What to do with abusive, sadistic, narcissistic mother

Irakli Gorgadze, modified 2 Years ago at 4/18/22 9:38 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/18/22 9:31 AM

What to do with abusive, sadistic, narcissistic mother

Posts: 104 Join Date: 12/12/21 Recent Posts
I need your help but before I ask you anything, I want you to know my current situation and a bit of a story. I am 21 years old. Have 3 siblings, 7 year old sister, 6 year old sister and 3 year old brother. Am currently living with my second father, mother and 3 siblings.

I was my mother's narcissistic supply till I was 19. I experienced every kind of abuse I can think of except sexual. I had severe depressive episodes since I was a teen and have thought a lot about suicide. Tried to attempt suicide 2-3 times but couldn't do it because of fear of pain. After the age of 19 the main supplies became my second father and my 7 year old sister because I moved to live with my grandfather (who turned out to be a "collegue" of my mother. Who has it worse is a mistery to me). Now at age 21 I moved back to live with my parents and siblings again.

My second father only comes home for sleep and sometimes food, I totally understand him, because I do the same. After staying at home for some time I saw how my mother abused my 7yo sister verbally, emotionally and psychologically, and threatened her just to "make her suffer". She would never do it "this" intensely when others were around, she totally forgot I was there. I saw how she totally enjoyed it and did it for no other reason but to enjoy it. I know this has been happening for some time, because my sister has been depressed, tensed, aversive and frightened for some time.

My mother also encourages for the other 2 siblings to bully her. I have talked to someone in my family who has gone through the same things if not worse and is now an adult, approaching 40 years. but he said bad things sometimes happen and I am making a big deal out of this. Long story short, enabling abusive behaviour, and questioning my view of reality. Then I decided that talking things out wouldn't work with anyone in my family, relatives or friends. I have had all of my friends turn against me and start lecturing me for doing things I haven't done, after understanding that this has been the work of another sadistic, narcisstic and tyrranic being, who is the head of family, I stopped contacting anyone and became a shut in.

I was suffering a lot from aversiveness, planning to get rid of certain people in my family and contemplating to end my own life. Since then I reshaped the notion of ending life to ending misery, searched google on how to do it and after finding an answer that 6-7 hours of meditation solved this problem for someone else, I did the same (I did concentration practices, focused on the sensations of the breath at the tip of the nose.) And meditation has been my friend ever since.

My own mental health
I am confused and don't know what to do. I have been practicing Do Nothing technique for 6-7 hours a day for 15 days so my mental health is somewhat ok, I can feel anger flow and circulate throughout the mind and body like energy and it somehow feels not that bad.

Now the questions:
  1.  How do I deal with my mother in real time so her attitude towards my sister changes? Do I have to "tame" her? I am so uninterested in manipulating and taming her but if this helps my sister avoid the same hardships I went through I will resolve myself to do this.
  2. How do I teach my 7 year old sister to deal with the intense emotions and not get traumatized?
  1. My family members should not know I am teaching her "meditative" techniques. Breathing exercises are going to be OK (I think)
  2. My sister is young and it will be hard to teach her a technique or be consistent with the practice.
  3. Can't use a professional's help (this is a no go)
  4. Can't report to police or specific organisations (this is a HUGE no go)
  1. Make sure my sister is getting some time with her classmates and friends on daily basis and plays with them. (After school ends she plays with her classmates in a public park)
  2. Tell my sister that it is not her that is wrong but her mother that has psychological issues.
  3. When my other siblings bully her, I give it attention early on before my mother catches on it and somehow resolve the issue without punishing them too hard (I tend to get angry and pull on their ears when they harm her, so I could use some ideas on how to resolve conflict without violence and direct the "bullies" towards positive behavior change, if not ideas, then at least where I could learn how to deal with this)
Other questions
  1.  How do I educate myself on these subjects? are there any good books that are more "scientific" and will help me understand what is happening in my family better? are there any resources that will help me understand how to respond to these situations in the future? (So that I don't commit something really wrong and have an alternative way of resolving the conflict)
  2. Are there any books where I can learn how to teach meditation to children? Has this been done on an industrialized level? I want my sister to be happy and not suffer, I know contemplative practices are the way to go, and despite doing them myself (not that I am experienced, I still consider myself as a beginner), teaching is a different manner, and teaching to a 7 year old is even more difficult (maybe not).    

​​​​​​​This is a first for me to ask for help, feels weird and I even feel like I will get lectured by some people to be more tolerant of my family members and am seeing things wrong. Anyway, thanks for reading this.
Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 4/18/22 9:44 AM
Created 2 Years ago at 4/18/22 9:40 AM

RE: What to do with abusive, sadistic, narcissistic mother

Posts: 5246 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Hello, Iracly Gorgadze.

Your situation and that of your family are beyond what we can help you with here. Please find someone who is a professional counselor who can advise you much more appropriately. You should consider reporting this abuse to the authorities.

I'm freezing this topic now.

- Chris
DhO Moderator