Settling in the Unknown

Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/5/22 5:27 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 12/5/22 5:30 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/6/22 8:08 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 12/7/22 1:21 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/7/22 5:42 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Smiling Stone 12/6/22 12:42 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/6/22 8:22 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/6/22 8:26 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 12/7/22 1:22 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/7/22 5:45 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown thor jackson 12/7/22 7:45 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Chris M 12/7/22 9:27 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Robert L. 12/7/22 9:12 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/7/22 6:11 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Chris M 12/8/22 8:22 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/8/22 9:00 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown thor jackson 12/7/22 10:11 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Chris M 12/7/22 10:18 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown thor jackson 12/7/22 10:30 AM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Chris M 12/7/22 2:56 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Olivier S 12/7/22 12:08 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown thor jackson 12/7/22 12:23 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Smiling Stone 12/7/22 12:44 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown thor jackson 12/7/22 12:57 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Smiling Stone 12/7/22 2:22 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/7/22 6:01 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Chris M 12/7/22 2:35 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 12/7/22 2:48 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/7/22 5:32 PM
RE: Settling in the Unknown Arena Heidi 12/9/22 8:07 PM
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/5/22 5:27 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/5/22 5:20 PM

Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Introduction:
At the beginning of 2022, I had some kind of shift where internal vastness became close at hand and readily accessible. The unknown was always right there whenever I turned toward it. This shift seemed remarkable at first, but overtime it came to feel ordinary. Now it’s even hard to remember how things were before.

A handful of months after this shift, my husband and I stumbled upon, and then ended up buying, a very humble home in a vast, spacious location. The house sits by itself near the end of a dead end road. It’s surrounded and dwarfed by spectacular views and mountains of preserved wilderness. So in a relatively short period of time, my external environment has come to mirror the internal change. Both feel to be part of one happening.

We haven’t moved in 35 and 40 years, and have never owned a house before. Plus the home itself (which began as a camp with multiple additions) has come with a huge number of problems. So moving has turned out to be an incredibly daunting process of facing and dealing with one unexpected hurdle after another.

The ego thrives on the security of things familiar and known. And everything about this move (and living on the edge of an internal unknown) has been outside of my comfort zone. I am learning to feel okay with the ego’s discomfort and and seeing the humor in the ego once its distress dissipates. I allow the cornered and panicked animal part of myself to freak out: “What are you doing? Are you insane? Nobody retires to an isolated wilderness. Your husband is 76 years old. Someone who is 76-years-old shouldn’t be climbing on the roof putting up chimneys. He’s going to fall and die. You can’t afford this place without him. You lack even the most rudimentary repair skills. You wouldn’t survive alone here for a week. Why have you moved to a place where the winter is so harsh and brutal? You don’t even like winter. You have been clueless as to what you are getting yourself into. I don’t think you have what it takes to survive here. You are probably not going to make it. You’re on a sinking ship.”

But crazy or not, the unknown beckons and I answer the call. I step forward into the dark. I listen and do what needs to be done next. I accept that I don’t know what I am doing and feel inadequate much of the time. I do what I can to comfort myself but my ego does not feel reassured. Dealing with each uncomfortable challenge feels like it increases light, but mostly the unknown is black and vast. I have been too busy moving and dealing with hardships to explore the inner and outer wild territory. I am still venturing back and forth between old and new homes. I am afraid to let go of my old apartment entirely. I am afraid of no longer having the old and familiar to return to.

I’m not even sure if this log is a good idea. Like everything else, I’m stumbling into it. We’ll see if it sustains beyond these first few posts. We’ll see how I manage to survive the winter and adapt. Thanks in advance for reading and your feedback. The accompaniment of readers takes the edge off of the isolation and dwarfing power of vast space. I usually enjoy being alone but not while fumbling in the wilderness.

December 1, 2022
On the couch at my old house. I was perusing bits of newly purchased meditation books that I’d picked up for $1 each at a library book sale. The books inspired me to return to a sitting meditation practice. I decided to begin right then and there. It was a relief to let go into the unknown spaciousness that had been pressing upon me all year. No thinking but fragments of proto-thoughts. It seems impossible to describe the meditation. It’s like a vibrating, alive, pulsating space with no one there to discern it. When I come out of the meditation, I feel refreshed and settled in relaxed quiet joy. Damn! I need to make time for this kind of meditation and hopefully find ways to weave it into daily life.

December 3, 2022
At my new home. It’s incredibly windy. I awoke in the middle of the night to crashing sounds like a tree had fallen on the house. The howling wind feels incredibly ferocious and powerful. I am tiny and helpless in comparison. I lie awake for hours in fear that assumes the worst. I feel like I am not cut out for isolated life on a mountain. But then in the clarity of morning light, I feel foolish for having been so afraid. I discover that a large sheet of roofing had blown off our wood pile along with all the heavy stones and cement blocks on top of it, which evidently weren’t enough to hold it down. The large piece of metal had somehow blown up the hill behind the house. How had the wind managed to toss it all the way up there like it weighed nothing? The fierce power of the wind scrambles my mind with fear. I’m not sure how to find ease in the darkness with these raw elements.

I sit with our new woodstove to my back to meditate. I have decided to start a meditation log, so this time thoughts of how I would describe my experience infiltrate the meditation. Perhaps this is a disadvantage of public posting? But thoughts don’t seem to disturb or detract from the spaciousness. The name of what to call my log comes to me during meditation.

Yesterday, on my walk, I visually noticed how the expansive space all around me had multiple layers of depth and breath. While meditating, I noticed how the nada sound has multiple layers to its unified hum. I also am aware of the tactile nature of space. It has a buoyancy like space itself is supporting my body. Noticing the support helps muscles to soften and relax. My body exerts a force upon space and an equal and balancing force reverberates back. Near the end of meditation, I play with these tactile feelings by making subtle and almost imperceptible movements.

​​​​​​​December 4, 2022
It’s hard to know what to record from a meditation. I feel most compelled to write about what happened when I came out of it. I was acutely aware of an underlying dissatisfaction behind so many things. But simultaneously, I was able to flip into gratitude and goodness by embracing a thing in all its messy imperfection. The relief of being with things as they are.

I have never had a wood stove before and I found so much satisfaction in tending to all aspects of it. I think that something is lost in the ease of other heat sources. There’s so much tangible connectedness in tending to fire and carrying wood. My unsureness with operating a catalytic stove settles me in the unknown. I learn by watching the fire and feeding it the right amount at the right time to comfortably modulate our heat.

December 5, 2022
​​​​​​​So my meditation focus (it somehow doesn’t feel right to call the unknown an object) is the unknown. It is such a relief to settle into it. There was no desire for anything else.

​​​​​​​Today I felt tired but decided to meditate instead of taking a nap. During meditation I would start to drift off into sleep or into a dream, but then the awareness that this was happening would pull me back. But I also was aware that the beginning of sleep and dreaming were unintelligible and also part of the unknown. So in a sense I wasn’t really drifting off. Then when I drifted into thought, I saw that that was the unknown too. Drifting into thinking was the same as drifting into sleep and dreams. It was all the unknown. I have been conditioned to think otherwise. It’s a relief to return to the aliveness of this ground of not knowing. Knowing eventually seems to lead to dissatisfaction or disappointment of one kind or another. I feel peaceful and content now.
thumbnail
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/5/22 5:30 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/5/22 5:30 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Arena Heidi:

Yesterday, on my walk, I visually noticed how the expansive space all around me had multiple layers of depth and breath. While meditating, I noticed how the nada sound has multiple layers to its unified hum. I also am aware of the tactile nature of space. It has a buoyancy like space itself is supporting my body. Noticing the support helps muscles to soften and relax. My body exerts a force upon space and an equal and balancing force reverberates back. Near the end of meditation, I play with these tactile feelings by making subtle and almost imperceptible movements.


I often play like this too. I love it. 
thumbnail
Smiling Stone, modified 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 12:42 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 12:42 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 341 Join Date: 5/10/16 Recent Posts
Happy to see you back, Arena (or is it Heidi?)
I sure hope you'll get comfy before the winter hits too hard! I admire your move and know it's not an easy one (I currently live in a city!)
All the best with your return to spacious sitting. May you find solace there...
with metta
smiling stone
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:08 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:05 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
I often play like this too. I love it.


Linda, I actually thought of you while I was doing it. I had remembered how you loved this too.

How have you been? How is your practice going? I hope that forum moderation and your life has been flowing along okay.

​​​​​​​I am sorry that I don't have time right now to read your blog and other posts. But I look forward to catching up in a bunch more weeks when I'm too snowed in to be moving stuff!
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:22 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:22 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Smiling Stone:
Happy to see you back, Arena (or is it Heidi?) I sure hope you'll get comfy before the winter hits too hard! I admire your move and know it's not an easy one (I currently live in a city!) All the best with your return to spacious sitting. May you find solace there... with metta smiling stone


Most friends call me Arena, which is pronounced with a soft 'e' kind of like sand in Spanish. (It was a religious name given to me when I was born.) My family and all professional people call me Heidi, which is my legal first name. When online, I just let people choose. 

I feel grateful for your positive smiling energy and warm welcome back. 

How are you doing? I look forward to reading your log and catching up once I'm buried under 6 feet of snow! Hopefully, there will still be power to post then. We want to line up some back-up off grid options but haven't had time to do that yet.
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:26 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/6/22 8:26 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
December 6, 2022
So far this combination of sitting meditation and writing has been helpful and clarifying. I am showing this log to a few friends who have a similar meditation focus. Perhaps they might be inspired to join me.

Today when I went to meditate, a recent falling out that I had had with a friend was in the foreground of my mind. Rather than push it aside, I brought it into the unknown. I held various aspects of that situation in the unknown and those aspects seemed to dissolve and release. (I wasn’t trying to dissolve or release anything. Just simultaneously feeling the unknown and the uncomfortableness of the situation.)

​​​​​​​Near the end, I could feel that my ego was still clenched around the situation. It became obvious that my decision to let go of the friendship wasn’t actually a letting go. Even though my initial desire to let go came from a genuine and loving place, my ego was still holding tightly to its victimization and ideas around letting go. So surrender wasn’t actually happening! Outwardly I had stopped engaging with the friend, but inwardly there was still entanglement. Seeing this and feeling the ego in the spacious field of the unknown, helped it to open and relax. I feel much lighter and the situation has a sense of ease to it now.
thumbnail
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 1:21 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 1:21 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I'm honored.

I'm actually both totally fine and burned out at the same time. I went through a trauma at work, and my body is still processing that, but I'm also very happy. As for the moderating, I just ban a few bots once in a while. Not much drama for the moment, thankfully. My practice is steady and undramatic too. I enjoy it a lot. 

I don't currently have the energy to keep up with people's logs either, sadly, so I totally understand. I'm not going anywhere, so we'll talk when the time is right. 

​​​​​​​I'll second what our eloquent smiling friend said below. 
thumbnail
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 1:22 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 1:22 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I like your way of dealing with entanglement. 
thor jackson, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 7:45 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 7:45 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 42 Join Date: 11/17/22 Recent Posts
"I had some kind of shift where internal vastness became close at hand and readily accessible"

It is these sorts of statements that put many people off pursuing meditation. It is complete word salad, and in my opinion just an effect for attention. 
Robert L, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 9:12 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 9:12 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 72 Join Date: 2/10/19 Recent Posts
"I had some kind of shift where internal vastness became close at hand and readily accessible" 
Great use of words to describe the undescribable. Emptiness. The unknowable that is beyond the mind, but from where the mind arises.

Thor, It is not these sort of statements that put many people off pursuing meditation. But constantly inserting your dogmatic self assumed experise to diminish other meditators logs is certainly a great way to get attention, and an effective way to put many people off pursuing meditation. 
thumbnail
Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 9:27 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 9:12 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 5269 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
It is these sorts of statements that put many people off pursuing meditation. It is complete word salad, and in my opinion just an effect for attention. 

Thor Jackson, I think what can really put people off is know-it-all message board trolls. First warning - please be nice, don't attack first, ask first. Don't assume your truth is everyone's truth, or that it's your way or the highway. It's pretty obvious to me that you want attention, and being a one-trick pony is your attention-seeking mechanism. Please reconsider your behavior. The next step, should you continue in this vein, will be for me to suspend your account.

Thanks.

Chris M
DhO Moderator
thor jackson, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:11 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:00 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 42 Join Date: 11/17/22 Recent Posts
I have studied "spirtuality" for many years. The one thing that sidetracked me was "flowery" words by so called "masters". They used superfluous words to confuse their readers and grant themselves a false impression of superior understanding. The one thing I searched for, for many years was a teacher who explained things in a down to earth, common sense manner.
I eventually came accross Daniels book, which I consider the most comprehensive example of PRACTICAL knolledge on the subject. Because everything else I had read till then used words that could mean anything, depending on who read it. Dispite that I personally feel that daniel has not reached the awareness he says he has. That is the principal I stand by. Using words that everyone can understand and relate to on a common sense.
EVERY path of spiritual training eventually leads to a single path of pure concentration. Call it dogmatic if you like. But it is an essential truth. The truth is always troublesome at the beggining. The truth is antithical to everything we hold dear. If a few of your readers find something someone says uncomfortable then they are definitely not prepared for spiritual training. If you disagree with this, you are not upholding the ideals of truth, just the ideals of your money making website.
thumbnail
Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:18 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:16 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 5269 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Thor, are you setting yourself up to be the new Arbiter of Truth here on DhO? That never goes well. There are too many experienced meditators here, and the majority of them are dedicated followers of MCTB. I'd suggest you back off - and pay heed to my earlier warning to you.

Chris M
DhO Moderator
thor jackson, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:30 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 10:29 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 42 Join Date: 11/17/22 Recent Posts
I am no "Arbiter of Truth". Do you warn everyone here that shows an air of confidence in their understanding? Please explain the rules?
Are we not allowed to disagree with other peoples opinions?
Do your other "experienced meditators" have the monopoly on what is considered appropriate or the truth?
Olivier S, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:08 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:08 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 958 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts
Honestly, I would not be against a slightly more hands-on moderation approach here. One of the reasons I personally don't post much here anymore is that it doesn't feel safe if people are allowed to post comments like these on someone's personal log. And this log seems like a very personal log. Don't know what Arena thinks but if I were in her shoes I would just not feel safe posting here beyond this point...
thor jackson, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:23 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:23 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 42 Join Date: 11/17/22 Recent Posts
Olivier S
Honestly, I would not be against a slightly more hands-on moderation approach here. One of the reasons I personally don't post much here anymore is that it doesn't feel safe if people are allowed to post comments like these on someone's personal log. And this log seems like a very personal log. Don't know what Arena thinks but if I were in her shoes I would just not feel safe posting here beyond this point...

You are assuming that Arena's log is genuine. Do you belive everything you read? Where would society be if we just belived everything everyone said?
Are we not allowed to use discernment? 
thumbnail
Smiling Stone, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:44 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:43 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 341 Join Date: 5/10/16 Recent Posts
Hello Thor,
The reason we believe Arena is a true human being is that she was here before, and interracted in beautiful ways, and the fact that she comes back and shares here is very touching, quite beautiful and not to be dismissed by anybody, least from you who's been there a couple of weeks, without ever a balanced comment. I understand you do not value niceness, or balance in your speech...
Obviously you have silenced your mind to the point it cannot keep you from talking...
We have a few non-thinkers here, but they usually stay silent.<br />You would be well advised to gather all your comments in a thread that would become your (wrathful) log, maybe the one where you urge everybody to lie down to realize the truth, so as not to be bothered by all the annoying little itches that would disturb your perfect concentration...
Please do not spam people's logs
not so smiling stone ('cause you got this stone somewhat irritated)
thor jackson, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:57 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 12:57 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 42 Join Date: 11/17/22 Recent Posts
Smiling Stone
Hello Thor,
The reason we believe Arena is a true human being is that she was here before, and interracted in beautiful ways, and the fact that she comes back and shares here is very touching, quite beautiful and not to be dismissed by anybody, least from you who's been there a couple of weeks, without ever a balanced comment. I understand you do not value niceness, or balance in your speech...
Obviously you have silenced your mind to the point it cannot keep you from talking...
We have a few non-thinkers here, but they usually stay silent.<br />You would be well advised to gather all your comments in a thread that would become your (wrathful) log, maybe the one where you urge everybody to lie down to realize the truth, so as not to be bothered by all the annoying little itches that would disturb your perfect concentration...
Please do not spam people's logs
not so smiling stone ('cause you got this stone somewhat irritated)

I get it. You are one of these people that belive if everyone could be nice, the world would be perfect.
I suppose if I was here years ago and behaved as if all things are wonderfull, you would think I was perfect too?

You only believe people who are NICE to you. THAT IS THE PROBLEM.
thumbnail
Smiling Stone, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:22 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:22 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 341 Join Date: 5/10/16 Recent Posts
I get it. You are one of these people that belive if everyone could be nice, the world would be perfect.
I suppose if I was here years ago and behaved as if all things are wonderfull, you would think I was perfect too?
You only believe people who are NICE to you. THAT IS THE PROBLEM.

You don't get it. I do believe that if everyone was nicer, the world would be a nicer place (my world is nice, by the way).
You could very well have being here years ago (many people were) and behaved as if everything was wonderful, and still come back and be obnocious now. That's impermanence (but you might miss on impermanence with that much concentration).
You assume a lot about me. I believe people whom I sense speak truth, I don't need them to behave.

And nice Arena, really sorry to hijack this promising thread!
Please don't be put off by Thor, we get one like this every once in a while...
thumbnail
Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:56 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:23 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 5269 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
I am no "Arbiter of Truth". Do you warn everyone here that shows an air of confidence in their understanding? Please explain the rules? Are we not allowed to disagree with other peoples opinions? Do your other "experienced meditators" have the monopoly on what is considered appropriate or the truth?


The tone and demeanor of your comments remain a concern. That said, you can find the DhO rules here, publicly available. Please pay attention most specifically to these sentences:

There are lots of ways up the mountain, and many interesting skills and insights to develop using many traditions and paths. Make yourself at home. Discover the possibilities of how straightforward, down-to-Earth, and practical the Dharma can be. May all find something here that is of value and contribute to the wisdom represented and conveyed here.

Note well: the culture of open disclosure of practice is rare and requires vigilance to maintain. You are welcome to participate here so long as you help maintain that space in which deep practice can be discussed.

​​​​​​​Standard netiquette, aka common courtesy: The forum works best when everybody posts from a place of mutual consideration and thoughtfulness towards others. Constructive criticism and critiques are highly encouraged but should be done so in a calm, considerate manner. Avoid abrasiveness, derision, insults, and mockery. The Core Rules of Netiquette are a good general guide as to how to help this place support deep practice, and the Moderators are empowered to help direct things towards this fine ideal.

My concern is not that you display confidence. It is that you have stated unequivocally on multiple posts that your way is the only viable, true way of the dharma. When called out, you double down. And you do so aggressively and with a lack of respect. Disagreement with others can be done in a civil and polite manner. You aren't doing that. 

Because of the continuation of this behavior, and as I warned you earlier, I'm suspending your account. 

Chris M
DhO Moderator
thumbnail
Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:35 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:35 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 5269 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Olivier, the moderators would appreciate some help from you or anyone who encounters behavior that keeps people off DhO. When you see it, please point it out and I'll create a topic/thread specifically for that purpose. I'd like to try this for a while and see how it goes. This topic can also be used to report spam and other violations of the DhO terms of service.

Let's all work to maintain a welcoming atmosphere. 

Thanks,

- Chris
thumbnail
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:48 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 2:45 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Olivier S
Honestly, I would not be against a slightly more hands-on moderation approach here. One of the reasons I personally don't post much here anymore is that it doesn't feel safe if people are allowed to post comments like these on someone's personal log. And this log seems like a very personal log. Don't know what Arena thinks but if I were in her shoes I would just not feel safe posting here beyond this point...


I was a work, so I didn’t see this until now. I’m glad that Chris was here to put the foot down. That was a good call. It definitely isn’t okay to post comments like that on people’s personal logs.

On a personal note, I like Arena’s way with words. There are aspects to the awakening process that are hard to verbalize, and poetic language is often what comes closest to capturing them. Maybe thor just hasn’t had any of those experiences.

Linda Ö,
also DhO moderator
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:32 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:32 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Wow. A bit of something erupted here! I actually saw Thor’s comment before anyone else had responded to it. I just didn’t have time to respond to him then. But I wasn’t too fazed by what he said, because I essentially agreed with it (even though his delivery wasn’t good). It is impossible to put words to these kinds of things. The words don’t fit. Writing is challenging and I hope that I’ll find better ways to convey these kinds of unspeakable things. Also, I feel comfortable and safe with the moderators and how they moderate. I know that I can flag any comment and they will handle it well. (Thanks Chris and Linda. I feel grateful for what you do.)

Later, when I saw all the dialogue, I actually found Thor’s responses to be humorous. He seemed like someone playacting and having a good time poking as many people as he could before getting banned. If it wasn’t theater, then I feel bad for him and his lack of skill.

I was touched that so many of you took the time to speak up for me. I feel a vague lack of safety posting here only because I don’t fit in to the practices that most people do. When I first came here, I tried to figure out where I was on the map, but that didn’t work out very well. Since I’ve returned, I’ve just accepted my differences. A certain amount of fear is healthy and good. It indicates learning and venturing outside of protected and limited comfort zones. I appreciate the advanced level of many who post here. I am learning and nuances of things slip in, even though my approach is different.
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:42 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:42 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
I'm honored.

I'm actually both totally fine and burned out at the same time. I went through a trauma at work, and my body is still processing that, but I'm also very happy. As for the moderating, I just ban a few bots once in a while. Not much drama for the moment, thankfully. My practice is steady and undramatic too. I enjoy it a lot. 

I don't currently have the energy to keep up with people's logs either, sadly, so I totally understand. I'm not going anywhere, so we'll talk when the time is right. 

​​​​​​​I'll second what our eloquent smiling friend said below. 
I can relate to feeling burned out and totally fine at the same time. The hardships keep happening but I'm reasonably content. It's a new experience for me.
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:45 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 5:45 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö I like your way of dealing with entanglement. 

Thanks Linda. I'm just trying to stay open and fresh and feel for what wants to happen. 
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 6:01 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 6:01 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
And nice Arena, really sorry to hijack this promising thread!
Please don't be put off by Thor, we get one like this every once in a while...

Thanks Smiling Stone. It didn't feel like anything got hijacked. It's all part of it. And "it" is undefinable but nice and flowery and spammy and concentrated etc...
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 6:11 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/7/22 6:11 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Robert L.
"I had some kind of shift where internal vastness became close at hand and readily accessible" 
Great use of words to describe the undescribable. Emptiness. The unknowable that is beyond the mind, but from where the mind arises.

Thor, It is not these sort of statements that put many people off pursuing meditation. But constantly inserting your dogmatic self assumed experise to diminish other meditators logs is certainly a great way to get attention, and an effective way to put many people off pursuing meditation. 

Thanks Robert for your thoughtful response. I look forward to getting to know you more and will look out for your posts (though it seems like you don't post that much...)
thumbnail
Chris M, modified 1 Year ago at 12/8/22 8:22 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/8/22 8:22 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 5269 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Arena, it's nice to have you back! Please stick around.
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/8/22 9:00 AM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/8/22 9:00 AM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
Arena, it's nice to have you back! Please stick around.
Thanks Chris. I'm intending to for now.
thumbnail
Arena Heidi, modified 1 Year ago at 12/9/22 8:07 PM
Created 1 Year ago at 12/9/22 8:04 PM

RE: Settling in the Unknown

Posts: 73 Join Date: 4/16/22 Recent Posts
December 7, 2022
Meditation today felt like a deep and longer sustaining of the unknown/other. I drifted into sleep a tiny bit. When I came out of meditation I felt like I’d been gone. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing or where I’ve been. But I’m okay with that and not trying to figure anything out.

I felt disoriented for awhile afterward and that invoked fear. I also felt extremely tired after meditating even though I’d been sleeping well. Another major hardship and complication emerged concerning our move. So that prompted fear as well.

​​​​​​​December 8, 2022

I slept exceptionally well. When I awoke this morning, I realized that I was terrified of how easily my consciousness moves into other realities. Effort (or taking some time) gives a buffer of security. Ditto for taking drugs, because the drug effect will wear off. Also, there is a vulnerability that I feel with this ability and so many other things in my life right now. I generally regard vulnerability as a good thing, but have concerns that it is too much.

Inner guidance/intuition recommends that I cultivate an expansive perspective of gratitude, lightness, marvel and equanimity in daily life and with the whole of what is happening. That those qualities are already present and I simply need to bring them to the foreground. Also, to stay aware of vulnerability and it will become more apparent how to modulate or work with it.

I’m in town and so having a broad perspective made the world seem very dreamlike and dystopian! It’s disconcerting to see the unreality of consensual reality.

Meditation felt comforting today, which was a good balance for the fear and disconcertment.

December 9, 2022
There’s been this nice (but often surprising) relationship between fear and strength. After moving through situations of fear (or some other kind of suffering), I experience an unexpected sense of wellbeing and happiness. Something undeniably positive keeps emerging from the relentless difficulties that I’ve been experiencing. This probably sounds corny, but I’m learning to feel grateful for hardship, because something of benefit emerges from it.

I’d been wondering if I needed more structure to my sitting meditation. And I read something that gave me an answer (at least for now). I changed the quote to fit the word I’m using (which feels inadequate but the best I’ve come up with for now). “Don’t think you can sit in the unknown. The unknown sits the unknown!” The quote cuts mind/ego for me each time I read it.

There was a lightness to meditation today. And more lightness to the busyness of my day. Learning occurs even when it appears that not much is happening. Gratitude for mundane inconsequential happenings.

Breadcrumb