Need to start a new journal, it keeps an edge to my practice. About March 2012 I completed the 4th path of the four path model. Before I read MCTB (Ingram) I sat eight goenka retreats and struggled with scanning (although that technique did not keep a leash on my overactive mind). After MCTB i struggled with hybrid methods until I up and quit my job and went into a 20 day retreat w 100% noting 24/7 and I got stream entry. All this was journaled on the original KFD site which is now lost. after the se and 1st path i brought my journaling over to the hamilton site - those guys helped me so much through those years - amazing. so i got 3rd/4th paths off retreat in my art studio/barn i rented on a commercial farm outside of ojai, ca. since getting 4th i have launched into a lot of different things to help continued evolution, i will talk about some of those here. the one thing i did do was stop journalling and visiting these websites regularly, i didn't feel the need, there was so much to explore within me - things brought to light while interacting with the world at large - the off line world. one thing, the job i left paid a lot of money but took a huge tax out of my soul. it has been over two years and i am still without a regular job, i am very poor, trying to remake my future in line with my spirit. in the process i had to transcend a lot of fear about stability, security - had a lot of ups and downs, naturally, but these moments, more than any other, have contributed to my evolution - helped open my heart - something i struggle with as my mind is so unwilling to ceed control once i get into a work flow. i do bring in about $400/mo as a substitute teacher, also i am on food stamps, so i am making ends meet although, for the first time in my life, i can not eat out whenever i'd like.

i've been too long without a retreat, last time was after school last june when i served as course manager at a ten day. first time i've served where i made measurable progress in meditation. the technique as far as i can discern builds your awareness up, in larger and larger waves, to a peak event (physical dissolution). sometime later, upon waking or over days, there appears a tremendous amount of pain in your body. but you don't care - spiritually feel so light - the bodypain works itself out over weeks and months. so now i started back into a yoga studio this week and the pain that was induced over my service period 5 months ago is still settled in my shoulders/spine as i realize(d all along) i have been putting something off. i don't know what specifically, inquiry needs to dig into that, it connects to physical manifestations We are so incredible inconceivable the more i learn the more fascinating it all becomes -

my favorite adyashanti saying that the "awakened mind is relentless in digging out the unawakened parts of us" - so amazing, best part of 4 paths for me. well something part of us drives to put off the process for another day when i'm not smoking or caffinating dosing out on sugars and idle entertainmnents of the mind and senses, but it resides in my body, deposited from goenkas surgical operation - patiently awaiting my complacency in clearing out the garbage; the trick is to do it off retreat and during a rather intense burst of work/creative output. these things proceed faster if some stress is imposed, induced, a gradient so we flow in proper directions. working this sankara out is the same as nursing a creative breakthrough, same steps, this post just puts the mind on warning there is no putting this off any longer.

did not mention last post that the vipassana technique that transforms physiological baggage into body pain is the scanning technique. the work i'm putting off is exploring what is behind that energy, which now resides in my body as pain, and in the body it can be explored easier than when in the mind. i am conveying my experience, others that have explored the scanning technique may know what i am talking about. i am reading other practice journals here, very grateful for that, may end up forming my practice in new directions. after 4th i read a ton of stuff here and from hamilton (thanks nick!) but i get so lost in words, verbally sensitive, but i did plug into my art as never before. in mctb daniel says something like 'go back to the life you'd like to lead after 4th' and that is what i did - no more cubicle or full time classroom, no, i was full-time in my art studio, still on that path, one of very minimal income, trying to get some money flowing while staying aligned with my spirit.

currently finding that with more yoga/hiking in mtns my moment to moment mindfulness is more sustainable. i meditate 1 hr in the morning when i'm at home (2/3 of the week) but don't do so when i'm off couch surfing. i need to make a better effort at that. in my sits i start with concentration and then switch to just being aware of sensations. there is this transition, i readily recognize now, where the heart center 'just opens up' spontaneously and i am left in a very peaceful state. it is definitely energy transfer to/from the heart region and occurs as the mind surrenders energetic control. it is beautiful, doesn't happen in my am sittings (not sitting regularly enough) but happens sometimes on hikes; happened today when i was substitute teaching and was at a rally in the gym and my heart center open and practically started crying i was so touch by these kids performances and all they were going through in life. this is HUGE for me, to live moments feeling, perceiving, through the heart directly. maybe this is a PCE, it feels extraordinary and i am trying to foster that whenever i'm off or on the cushion. it feels right to do so and seems to lead to good things.

Daniel's experiment in Actualism-Influenced Practice is just what i needed, a practice clearly explained, thank you again. I am starting tweaks to my practice in line with this. I was doing some actualism after 4th, for a coupe months, last year, a lot of time in nature helped pce events and so did cardio - steep hills. that led me to enrolling into a 200 hr yoga teachers training which was so incredible studying the yoga sutras and pushing hard on the mind through the body, opening the body, physicality vastly expanded my practice. before 4th it was all meditation, afterwards, energy still strongest in the anja mind, the heart center mostly shut off but yoga asanas work deeply within the body and i have an intuitive sense for these things, my words fall very short of the mark, but unlocking the heart seemed connected to "opening" the body in my case…

The second component of my practice this year has been working solely on a body of art - staying in the flow of what brings me bliss. I did not see the end point as a crowdfunding campaign but that is where it led. a steep learning curve it has all been, that was probably the draw for me. it isn't about selling tee shirts (although that helps after two years with scant income), it's about getting art out there that may inspire others to become curious about being aware - awake even if that is what they choose. As part of the campaign i created a video on how the Noting technique works (inserted under the Update message, it's the 2nd video on the page). personally this is one video i wish i saw coming out of college those decades ago, or even during my 1st 7 goenka retreats before being led to mctb by katey eng. i put this link here to be transparent to this amazing community - i want to repay others that were of service too me. my gift isn't words, it's images, so please accept my apologies should this work insult any of your amazing dedication to these online platforms. if outright inaccurate information is found i will immediately revise things so thanks for any feeedback.

http://igg.me/at/rb321/x/2359345

Held a self-retreat at a guest house on parents property, before/after lunch i'd go to a Tibeatan Meditation center where I ate amazing vegetarian food and sat in their main Gompa. I carried on using a 4:30 am - 10 pm time schedule. It was a much needed reset as I had stopped yoga/meditation in the craziness of creating all those gifts for the crowdfunding campaign. It usual does come to pass that I am off practices, and feel the wrath of that, leading up to a retreat. As if I know I will gain control of my mind (soon) I allow it to run the show, drop into old addictions, just to witness the misery that ensure. Colors become muted, I contract into an isolated existence, compassion falls to new lows - then the master reset is hit in retreat. I need to stop these cycles, they have served their purpose, show me what can/does happen when leading an unmindful life.

So now I am prepared to use haifitmoba and related practices filtered down to me via nick and daniel through a host of other yogi/yoginis. i've been engaged in these the last two months resulting in a happier life and some small moments sense of clarity i take to be pce. last week was interesting in that a major issue surfaced (related to my substitute teaching job & tied in to the crowdfunder) and i was able to see my mind cling, body/mind become emotional and, at times, reactive. it is nothing i can change in the near term, count supporters within the system as blessings and others as supreme teachers in navigating systems of government employment skillfully. i do need those lessons. Interesting how stress pulls one away from enjoying the moment, with that now behind me i carry on in my day to day life appreciating, to the best of my abilities, all that this life has to offer my senses.

for so long i could not log in so haven't been updating this, checking in today i see i'm automatically logged in ~ no password needed! geeez, here i am, hmmmm. well since the last retreat (self retreat) i was so grounded, happy, peaceful and in the flow that i 'decided' to not meditate at all. i did jhana hop up to 8th and fruition laying in bed in the morning, which takes concentration and may help get the mindfulness up and running for the day, but not really anything like a hour sit. so my overall mental state degraded markedly over the two months. great experiment, one i'm familiar with, but really to the point where i am totally getting over this roller coaster ride ~ the ups and downs just not satisfactory at all, the ignorance it fosters sickens me. i am into seasonal changes and spring equinox i put in a one day sit and it felt great, now i'm doing hour sit every mooring. the haifitmoba had all but evaporated the last two months so i'll see if i get back to that. in the sit i dig into concentration/focus breath and then vipassana and towards the end try to get to that point where my heart chakra opens and flows. if that sounds weird it is a practice i was doing maybe reported in the hamilton project journal i kept~ for me it vastly helped my peace and putting compassion out to others throughout the day. something i'm not naturally geared towards b/c the fashion i was raised in (childhood issues) so i think for me it is a very worthy focus ~ lovingkindness practice.~ may you be happy