I've read nearly all of Being Aware of Being Aware, pausing after each paragraph doing some digesting and some self-inquiry (questioning the thinker). I got quite still and calm and tried to look back at the thinker (but it's not an object!). Nothing crazy happened, like unbounded consciousness, but the book is resonating. I have also been watching the Dr. Angelo Diullo interviews mentioned in this thread - finished part two today. Also noticed Kenneth Folk's second gear is self inquiry, looking at the thinker stuff. Ingram mentioning non-duality as his favourite model. I think now I'm looking out for non-dual practices I'm seeing it everywhere now (definate example of Baader-Meinhof phenomenon / frequency illusion).

Before investigating this stuff what was on my mind is how I experience thoughts (maybe a month ago I was preoccupied with this). What sort of shocked me is I realise I have no internal dialogue. Instead I sort of think in ideas and concepts that sometimes have words but more often do not. I may say that because it's not really a dialogue, verbal thing, I think I probably have less thoughts? Why this didn't come up sooner (say, when being mindful of thoughts) is that thoughts are spoken about a lot (in meditation instructions) as thoughts not dialogue often (I do remember me being questioning of 'hearing' note for thinking in Shinzen's unified mindfulness instructions). So I wanted to understand how common this is, I asked my friends and family, a lot of them have a monologue but a few couldn't really pin it down as it was the first time really stepping back from their thoughts. It was mentioned near the end of the second Dr. Angelo video (link to video at relevant timestamp), the way he seems to either dismiss (too identified with thought stream to notice dialogue) or to say that is 'no thoughts' with non-dual presence / very little perceptual filters. To be honest it scares me to be in either category. It seems thought format gets very little mention in general even in meditation circles (unless anyone thinks otherwise?).

This made me take stock of where I am in my life at the moment. I definitely wasn't like this all my life, I remember distinctly having racing thoughts when I was struggling with anxiety and psychosis. I really do hesitate to put myself on any maps, but I haven't experienced any heavy dark night stuff, and Daniel Ingram does say for some the dark night doesn't last long (hours, days). I just feel quite peaceful and calm recently (past 6 months), whether it is eqanimity or not my first response would be: well I'm surely not formally meditating enough! But I do get sense that's not a reliable indicator for some people, maybe like myself, who pause to do some shorter meditations / mindful activities during day at random points (train journeys, cooking, pre-sleep, watching dharma talks). Second response to map placing: nothing monumental has happened! There are no fireworks or whizz bangs in meditation sessions. I just feel quiet in my mind more and moderate piti in sits. Maybe I just need to enter that stream, baby! One day!

Hopefully the one good thing is I don't think I'm too attached to where "i am" or what to do. Just some small thoughts on myself that other's find useful.

Plates of metta, Tom <3

A small post to explain my current experience as I realise I was so carried away in thoughts that I failed to expand upon "quiet and calm".

I can direct attention fairly well to what I like at a reasonable frequency, more than 1 object per second, perhaps 4. When noting I tend to slow that down especially when performing actions. I am not experiencing any heavy emotional content day to day. I have quite good attention on things I am doing, like watching videos, Zoom calls, daily tasks. Some small pleasure from the concentration in off-sit tasks but nothing like the A&P style stuff I was getting described in my first log (link in first post).

I can get quite still in insight meditation, keeping attention on the objects and noting well, little to no lost in thoughts, when distractions arise they become the object quickly. I do get the occaisonal sit where I do nod off or get into some murky hypnagogic states. I admit that walking I do get distracted and attention is often lost.

So in general I think I'm just overthinking the whole thing and I'll keep plodding on

Edit: my insecurity is popping in and I think the thought in its non-verbal utterage translated to roughly "how silly to even equate my experience with equanimity, you're probably on first vipassna jhana if that" - then I label it and watch it pass

"anti-goal approach"

well, I do think its nice to have a goal but not the one that feels like standing alone on a buss stop and waiting for that late fucking buss that is just not arriving!!!  

I think something like having THIS practice right now being the goal in itself for the benefit of all. I would use Ingram's approach before each sit "I will now practice noting as thought by my teacher KF and I will do that as best as I can for 45-60 minutes. May I awaken as fast as humanly possible for the benefit of myself and all other beings" then I lock into Nowness Unfloding one moment after the next , label, label, label ... at the end of session say "may this practice be of benefot to all".

Also, you mentioned Ingram saying non-duality being his favorite practice. Kenneth Folk also used to say that. BUT! They did not start with non-duality and instead were totally locked into Mahasi Noting for a long time (at least pre SE) and they didnt mix other methods while they were practicing Mahasi Noting. (as far as I know but I might be wrong).


Then again we all have that Meditator Dancer in us that wants to try this and that, dance this and that dance, learn cool tricks and what not and will spend lots of time doing that instead of really digging and plowing into THIS MOMENT as it arise-passes one after the other ... tap ... tap ... tap ... as if my life depends on it! The Meditator Dancer needs to go about testing and showing off states it can get, new moves it has learned and it will go on and on until one day, maybe, if lucky, the Dukkha will be so unbearable and there simply is nothing left but utter misery and disqust with it all, and then just lock onto THIS as if being with THIS is THE LIBERATION itself. Then this practice comes to its boiling point.

Folks here might have different opinions but mine is , do Noting all the way, and forget about what folks say about stopping noting in EQ Nana and instead doing choiceless awareness. Its better contiune noting longer than stop too soon! Also, once in actual EQ Nana you WILL KNOW for sure and there will stuff just get slower noting-wise and might even drop away on its own. However I still kept on throwing in a note every few seconds just for the sake of it and "boring" was one label repeated often This lasted for about 4 weeks I think and can also be a challenge, but keeping that ars on the cushion and sitting with that boredom is The Way.

However , all this being said, it is you who decides if you want to do this or that practice. One can mix up stuff like Kasina and Noting which is something I did and do and find to be very potent cobination! I would do open eyes Kasina while Noting full on 1-5 sensations a second.Maybe there is a way to do Non-duality and Noting at the same time, or Non-duality and Kasina at the same time? Dunno Its your practice and it has to make sense to YOU not me or anyone else here.

Ok, jeez I have written alot ... my appologies for that! I hope my words do not confuse but inspire instead! Best wishes Tom! 

Hi Tom! Good to see you back 

Self-enquiry/non-dual can be a very powerful technique, so if it appeals to you at the moment then I say go for it! Like you say, you can always mix it in with a bit of noting as well. Have fun, experiment, see which practices have what effects, and figure out what works for you!

All the best,
​​​​​​​George

Helloo!
I just did 40 minutes sitting, the first 20 minutes or so were pretty normal. I have a slight fogginess in my head, like a very small headache. I managed to note well and was not distracted much. Then for about 5 minutes I was getting some very intense itching on my face and head, I did not itch but kept still, noted and kept with the sensations. Then after, I was getting some pleasant sensations in head and my breathing deepened and breaths were longer.

Then at 30 minute mark (I know this as my bell rang then) my lower jaw started to feel very big, my hands feeling large too. I also had a sense of openness around head, as if it was coming from visual field, like everything was very close to my eyes but also very expansive. I didn't end sit but kept going for 10 minutes, attending to these sensations and noting but often loosing the noting and just keeping with sensation, keeping a curiousity about what it felt like. Then more of my body felt very big towards the end, my arms too. Then it stopped and I decided to end the sit at the 40 minute mark.

I've had similar experiences of the large feeling of limbs / body parts in a feverish half dreams. There's a certain feeling of how it would move too, like it is soft and numb. 

Anyway! Happy I kept with the sensations but perhaps could be better at consistent noting in these strange sensation times.