Okay - levels and dark nights and attainments "aside" :

first off - I'm pretty sure if I don't get so e personal guidence, there may be trouble. Yes, I have all of the conventional psychological support - an army, really. A retreat would be ideal, but my college forays into places like The Berkely Psychic Institute ( I know, I know - the name... It should have been obvious. I have a thing for dumb names...) have left me extremely wary of charlatans and potentially brain washing dogma. I'm in a bit of a vulnerable state. I doubt I'd buy anything silly. I've seen too much, at this point, and I know what I've seen. Guidence from someone kind, knowing - or at least extremely open minded - is essential. Otherwise I may as well just continue to 'trip out' and post to random strangers on the internet. 

SO, "where" am I? I guess I can't tell, so I suppose it isn't very 'far.' I can tell you what I can 'see' and 'know' and then maybe someone can give me advice. 

Note also that I have no FORMAL practice whatsoever. Having one would be nice... I can basically put myself in a meditative state at any time just wondering around. Maybe it's a form of yoga or walking meditation without patern? Anyway, I find sitting painful. Lying on my back is fine - moving even better. 

Ok. Here is the list. Bare with me. It's all pretty indescribable:

- all the extreme pain and mental suffering has pased, but in the last year I have, mostly in order: had extreme cramping in the extremities, hallucinated, had a 'hallucination' that I was being attacked by demons and had to hold my attention on a small light to stay here/not die,went through a few weeks where I couldn't stop moving (the mental hospital was baffled enough that I was there for nearly a month - hard to do, but worth meeting the beautiful humans there), had severe suicidal ... thought attacks?..., depression, moments of feeling human again, and then severe derealization - basically being able to see the 'illusion' of reality from the outside - and not able to unsee it (very hard to function)

So, that's over. I assume it was the dark night. I know the maps are helpful, but do we all really travel them the same way?

I digress.

- then I quickly made peace with being able to see reality from outside

- had a bit more control over seeing it

- felt that other beings were not as real as me, and didn't have awareness, and that maybe I was 'god' and had created all this fake stuff because I was lonely ( this may have happened sooner... Really depressing thought)