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Siavash's Practice Log 2

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Siavash's Practice Log 2 Siavash 1/1/20 5:24 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2 Siavash 12/14/19 10:42 AM
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Siavash's Practice Log 2
journal log practice log meditation log practice journal kasina fire kasina
Answer
1/1/20 5:24 PM
To continue the practice log. May it be of benefit to someone.
This is the first part on fire kasina:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

And this is the second part:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

------------------------

I still have aversion to writing, because each time there is an intention to write, I notice that it's not a "wholesome" intention. This definition for wholesome is subject to change.

Also I still have aversion to formal sitting practice, because there is a feeling of getting disconnected, when I want to put everything aside and do a formal practice, but still I am doing it a few days a week usually. I guess my addiction to screen, and to listening to talks and etc, has gotten worse.

To try to maintain the practice, I try to be more mindful in daily activities, and also do short practice sessions, and spend more time for practice in bed. Often a mix of techniques, fire kasina, or just the color statics in the murk, or body, or the changing quality of sensations, or nada sound and Shinzen's See In Hear In.

There are some new shades of green in the murk, very clear and beautiful, but they are not there always. They come and go, depending of mind states I guess. But there are almost always some bright dots in the visual field, with eyes open or closed, and often they simulate a sequence of fire kasina: A bright dot appears in the field, very similar to the brightest spot of a candle flame, but circular, stays there for some seconds, then it turns into a very clear black dot, then some clear green halo appears around it, and the black dot gets bigger and loses its shape and becomes a black hole.

It's been some weeks that there are energetic sensations in the head and lower back/hips most times.

It's been some days that when paying careful attention, strong yawning arises. I had this before for a few days, maybe a year ago. Also some bright colors appear, that I guess molten gold is the closest name for it. It looks like a mix of green, yellow, blue, and orange.

And it's a few days that again I have that thing that I called it momentary vertigo before, that for some moments it feels like the visual field loses its stability and starts to move or shift or rotate. While writing this, it happend a few times again, it's subtle, but it's like I am in a bus, and this laptop is on my knees and I am writing there (The field is not stable).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/14/19 10:42 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I notice that the root intentions for many of the daily activities that I do, are not much related to the activities themselves. It seems that there are two main drives behind these activities: A craving for pleasure, and a primal dissatisfaction with "what it is", and those activities appear just to fullfil these two. I am not sure which of these two techniques is better for working with those basic two drives: Investigating vedanas, or focusing on the mental talks and images, and emotional body sensations (simply Shinzen's Focus In).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/14/19 11:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Once one realizes that, it makes one wonder how that was not blantantly obvious before, doesn't it? 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/14/19 11:24 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Once one realizes that, it makes one wonder how that was not blantantly obvious before, doesn't it? 

Yep.
"After a conundrum is solved, it becomes easy/obvious"!
This is a proverb we have in Farsi.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/14/19 11:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
That's a good one. And it should be easy, but embarrassingly enough I still find myself engaging in such activities from time to time, even the ones that are mere avoidance behavior. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/15/19 7:41 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
That's a good one. And it should be easy, but embarrassingly enough I still find myself engaging in such activities from time to time, even the ones that are mere avoidance behavior. 

They call it practice/path, right? ;-)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/15/20 10:14 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Recently I had an observation which was very interesting and helpful.
Last few days, I have spent some time practicing Shinzen’s Hear In, and Auto Think. 
In the last weeks or months maybe, I’ve noticed that recently, a big portion of mental talks seems to happen in a distance, or that the voices are not loud, and not very clear, something like humming maybe.
And in the last few days, by focusing on the mental talk space, I’ve noticed that sometimes a stream of talks happen, which is not clear, and I don’t even detect the words and sentences, I only detect the voice itself, and its overall tone, but, I get what the voice is saying, and I detect its meaning and direction, and the relationship between the meanings that it conveys and the mental images that arise related to this mental talk. Previously I would think that if I am not able to detect the words, I can’t know what the talk is saying, but that is not true.

Last night I examined it for some time, that I was listening to the mental talks, without knowing what are the words, but clearly understanding what they were saying. (And sometimes this listening feels pleasant, and sometimes annoying!)

In another observation, I’ve noticed that in situations that are stressful or annoying to me, just at the moment that the situation starts to be stressful/annoying, a thought arises, a mental talk, and often with some mental image, and some tension in the body. In that exact instance, I’ve noticed that if I am mindful, I can stop that stream of next thoughts (or it stops itself), by just being equanimous/neutral about the situation and the content of that thought and feeling. But if I am not mindful and equanimous, then after that thought and feeling, mind and body goes to a different state, i.e. anxious/annoyed and there isn’t much clarity about the content of thoughts that happen after that. Previously I was thinking that, it’s that initial thought that causes the next unpleasant feelings in the body, but now I think that those subtle thoughts continue in the background, and if I come back to the first observation, although these thoughts are not clear in terms of wording and etc, but I get their meaning, and those meanings trigger unpleasant sensations in the body and the feeling trigger other negative thoughts related to the situation. This chais starts with that initial thought, that then leads to another thought and another.. . By being mindful and equanimous at the moment, it seems that it loses its power and just stops there.

(Linda, related to your post on vomiting)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/18/19 9:01 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Last night I was able to do a longer sit after some days of not doing it, it was about 70 minutes I guess, and I did several shorter ones before that, focusing on different objects, breath, color statics in the murk, mental silence, mental image space and etc. And while in bed, I practiced Shinzen's Auto Think.

In the last few days, I notice more "energetic" sensation in my head, nose, and lower back/pelvis, and last night there were lots of vibrations, spread of coolness, bright lights and etc. In early hours of sleep I had a dream, in the dream I was lied down and practicing, that suddenly energy releases started to happen, there was bright light, very bright, and very strong vibrations in my head, and my head and torso was shaking wildly, then it became more intense, and my head and torso started moving up and it was staying with a 40-50 degrees angle and shaking and vibrating (I think this was actually happening in my body mind while having this dream, because after I woke up, there was some pain around the neck and jaw, that arises when there is too much vibration and energy release in my head, but I don't know it was happening exactly like it was in the dream). Then it settled down, and there was a sense of relief. I had the impression that some of these blocked energies are released now, and it feels ok, and now I can rest and enjoy. Then I started having some entertainment, but quickly it changed, and three guys showed up outside the window, and then they were inside. I didn't know how they got inside, and worry started to arise because I knew that they want to stay at my house for sometime (They were not strangers in the dream, but not someone that I really know). I guess I was awake or half awake at the point that I felt someone is touching my big toe that was under the blanket, that caused me to get up. Obviously there was no one there, and it was the remaining bit of the dream world.

There was another dream after I went to sleep again, that someone wanted to strangle me because of a misunderstanding. He was repeating that I deserve it, and I was saying that it's not like what you think!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/22/19 11:15 AM as a reply to Siavash.
There was something strange that was happening last night, that I think was new.
I didn't have enough sleep yesterday, and last night while in bed, I focused on the color statics in the murk. It happened several times, 5-10 times maybe, that I was getting sleepy and falling sleep probably, then when waking up, I was feeling disoriented, and I guess it wasn't clear what I was seeing in the murk, then after the attention was grabbing on the color statics again (in 1-2 seconds maybe), this disorientation would go away and it would feel normal (and probably I would start to percieve visuals clearly). I got the impression that the feeling was similar to a situation, where you are standing on a wall, and there is a tree but not very close to the wall, and you want to grab a branch on that tree, and it feels unstable while you are trying to let go of the wall and grab the branch, but after you do it, you are stable/ok again.

Today there is restlessness in the body mind. It feels agitating to be still, and my body just wants to move, and although attention is sharp and clear, but it feels agitating to to have it stabilized on something, and it want to jump from object to object, and it does that.

Also today there is a feeling similar to dizziness (maybe?), and sometimes my head feels heavy, and again the visual feels shifts or moves for just a moment. Still there are energetic sensations and vibrations in the head and base of spine and around it.

Another thing that happens these days, which I thing is state/stage related, because it changes periodically, is that it seems that I have lots of dreams at night, but I don't remember them, I only remember a vague feeling, and sometimes very vague imagery, and everytime those vague feelings or mages arise, I get this impression that there were very cool things in that dream-world, that wonderland, that I feel very nice about it, but never get any clearer image or feeling!

There are other days that I remember my dreams very clearly, so I guess each of these two phases belongs to some state/stage, which I don't know what they are.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
12/27/19 6:18 PM as a reply to Siavash.
In these recent few days, something happens during practice which is quite interesting.
Often towards the end of the practice, or after 20-30 minutes sometimes, I start to get very sleepy, but I don't fall asleep, and I don't lose clarity much, and I get to watch the mind thinking and remembering things, that often there isn't much mental talks, and most of the thoughts are mental images.

Almost all these mental images are very vague, and their location in space is not clear, except sometimes some of them appear in the murk in front of my face, but with very low resolution and very vague, and almost all of them stay for just a moment, a fraction of a second, so there are many many images that arise and pass very quickly.

What is interesting about it is that, an image appears, and I get a load of meaning from it, and I understand things about it that normally I would think them in terms of mental talks. For instance, a concept like "a short time" or "a long time" appear as an image. Or something like, "this thing is good for that person", appears as an image. So after an image appears, I get to know lots of things about it and remember lots of things, then the image disappears quickly, and I forget all those concepts and meanings in less that a few seconds.

Sometimes an image appears, like a face or an image of a situation, and at that moment I know that I know that person, and I know what that situation was, and I remember lots of things about that person's past or about that situation, but after a few seconds I forget them all, and it's interesting that for most of these images and stories related to them, I actually don't know those people, and don't have any memory of those situations. I know this often some seconds or minutes after the image and its stories appear, and it seems that I remember an impression of the image and its stories (I am not sure what that impression is in terms of sensations), and I realize that I don't know anything about those people and situations in real life. And I don't know how I get all those meanings and perceptions related to any of images, although sometimes some of them appear as images, but often I just know things about an image, and I don't have clarity what form that knowing takes.

This reminds me of what Shinzen says about mental images, that the bulk of thinking happens in the image space.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
1/1/20 1:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
I am spending a good portion of my practice time these days in the murk. Those low resolution images has started to appear again. Mostly they are faces, creepy ones, but with very low resolution, almost like a faint trace of an image and hardly noticeable, and they appear for just a moment, a fraction of a second. I keep reminding myself after each appearance that they are just colored shapes, and I smile. A few times I had images with a little higher resolution. All of them appear in front of my face.

It's interesting that sometimes when there is a painful sensation in the body, initially I feel the pain in an area that is not the origin of pain. If I don't pay careful attention, I may not know where is the origin of pain, but when paying careful attention, I notice that the pain is in somewhere else, and after that, I feel the pain in its origin and not in the initial location anymore.

That sleepy phase that I was having before, and mental images were showing up with stories attached to them, hasn't happened in the last several days.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
1/4/20 6:22 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Today it was a long and very tough day at work. I was at office for about 15 hours, and more than half of it was intense conflict and tension between two teams, and most of this time I was trying to find a resolution in this conflict. What I noticed that was positive, was that each time anger ot frustration was arising, I was able to recognize it, accept it and let it go, and maintain equanimity in the midst of that crazy chaos, and be able to maintain creativity and technical sharpness that led to finding solution for problems that didn't seem to have any obvious solution.

I had some of this in the past, but I had lost it in the last several years because of the difficulties that I had to face in these years, but thanks to practice, it seems that some of that is coming back, and at least sometimes I am able to maintain equanimity in situations that was not easy to do so before.
And thanks to you Shinzen, as Charlie Tart said once, "You are such a fucking genius"!

-- Edit:
It's interesting that now that I am home, those conversations at office are playing in my mind repeatedly, I have images of those people in my mind and I am hearing their voices again and again, and mild feeling of anxiety is arising in my body, and going away and then arising again.
It seems that probably it was not all equanimity, and part of it was suppressing or bypassing those emotions.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
1/13/20 5:05 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Darkness, darkness, darkness and darkness.
Lost, hopeless.
No more energy.
No energy for anger.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
1/16/20 6:27 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Getting back to practice slowly.

There was a break in my practice in these few weeks. First because we needed to finish a few projects, and for about two weeks I was working day and night, and for 4-5 days I couldn't have any free time (and mind space) for formal practice. And also because of all this insanity that happened in these two weeks, there was so much distraction and frustration, that I couldn't do the practice, or even remember to practice. Much less practice overally in the last 2-3 weeks.

Now it's been several days that I am trying to go back to how it was before, and do formal and semi-formal practice. Concentration is coming back slowly, but still it's much weaker. It's funny that when we need the practice most, we don't remember to do it.
I always appreciate it that Shinzen says so wisely: "But you may not remember to do it yourself".

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/13/20 10:13 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday February 14, 2020, 4:44 am

It's more than a month that my need for sleep has increased. I sleep much longer than normal, and if I don't sleep long, after waking up my body feels really sick until I sleep. This happens even after a long sleep sometimes. Two weeks ago I guess, for 3 days this changed and came back to normal, but after that, it started again. 10 hours for a day seems to be what my body needs these day. A real waste of time probably.

for the last several weeks my focus in practice has been mostly on noticing impermanence, either by focusing on the change in sensations, or doing fast fire noting, and trying to notice as many distinct sensations as I can.

The visual field with eyes closed was mostly like before in the last several weeks, dark with green and purple colors statics mostly, and some bright dots, but last two days it changed and there was lots of bright light in it, igniting and glowing and expanding and contracting. A ball of pale white light arises and while the white contracts, a green or purple expands and fills the ball, then the green or purple contracts and a black expands and fills the ball, in a dark background, but a slightly brighter area around the ball that makes it visible. And other areas of purple, blue, violet, white, yellow, and a mix of yellow/green/red/orange that creates something like molten gold color, expand and contract and moph into each other. And there are areas of very bright sparkly lights. There were some Molten Gold several times, and other visuals that looked like Molten Gold, but were pixelated with very thin lines that are almost unnoticeable. Tonight I haven't practiced much, but it seems that the lights and colors are still there.

It's a few weeks or more that there are more energetic activations and sensations around the base of spine. I generally have tried to not focus much on that area because of pains that it creates. Last two nights because I had done more practice, concentration was a little better, and while practicing and having some Molten Gold like visuals at the peak of concentration, a very strong pain arose at the base of spine. I was expecting that there may be pain in that area, because it had happened before, and also sometimes I wake up with that pain in the base of spine, so I stayed equanimous and continued practice for several minutes, but the pain stayed there and intensified, so I stopped practicing, and started it after a break, but with a lighter concentration, since I thought it may cause damage to the body. This pain would come back if concentration was deeper.

These days again I have lots of strange dreams, that most of them have fear component. I don't remember to have dreams that had gun fight in them when I was younger, but these days I have a lot. Also there are lots of water element these days, like falling into a lake or occean or being under water, but often I don't remember clear images of the water.

In one of his Q&A sessions, Culadasa had recommended this book: Energies of Transformation, A Guide to the Kundalini Process by Bonnie Greenwell, and someone had shared a link to a free pdf of it, so since this energy creates somewhat difficulties for this body, pains, itches, trobbings in exact same locations each time, and probably this increased need for sleep is related to that, I started reading this book two days ago, and it has lots of good info about this energy (And also has lots of dogma in it!). And it's interesting that a big portion of its content, is very similar to what Daniel has in MCTB, about crossing A&P and being in Dark Night and cycling. I wonder if they know each other and had communicated about this topic. It would be interesting to have a dialoge between them two, Daniel and Bonnie Greenwell.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/14/20 7:08 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday February 15, 2020

During this two plus years of meditating, I've always had difficulty discerning sensations of subtler emotions and mind-states. I notice some sensations related to them sometimes in my face but not always and not for all of them. Last few days I noticed that some or a lot of these subtler emotions/mind-states are expressed in this body-mind via posture, especially the posture/position/form(?) that my head and face takes, and also sometimes the body doesn't take any posture related to that emotion, but a mental image of a posture and positioning of head/face comes to mind, that indicates that emotion. For instance I read something, and become upset about it, but I don't perceive any mental talk or mental image or body sensation related to that upset-ness, but instead, my head and eyes take a certain angle/form, that is the expression of being upset. Of course the sensations related to the forms that body/head/face/eyes take, can be investigated, and I think this is a new avenue of exploration to get a closer understanding of emotions/mind-states.

Last night and today there were less energetic sensations/activations in the base of spine, but still its quite active. I did some practice this morning, and while focusing on the murk (refer to the glossary page of fire kasina web site for its description, firekasina.org), suddenly my body jumped, because I felt that a big insect is moving on my left shoulder near my neck. Previously I had sometimes sensations of a bug crawling over the skin, but this was new. Also previously I didn't have jolts on the shoulder, but it has happened several times in the last few days, that I suddenly feel a sensation on my shoulder, mostly the right one, as if someone taps on it.

Those bright lights are gone mostly in the murk. Colors are still there, not very defined or bright, but composed of very thin lines, flickering and rotating and moving. Bright dots in the murk were much brighter these two days. Several times it happened that mental images that appear in the imagination visual space, got projected into the murk, but were not clear at all. A few of them were creept/scary faces, and one or two were clearer.

After 1-2 months of intense negative emotions, it was 4-5 days that it was relatively calm, and now it seems that a big wave of restlessness is arising, with tension in muscles and pain in the chest around two points there that seem to be energy blockages. If my speculation about maps would be right, these are usually re-observation territory, but the things that I don't know about this mapping are much much more than things that I know, so.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/15/20 6:03 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash Mahmoudpour:
Friday February 14, 2020, 4:44 am

10 hours for a day seems to be what my body needs these day. A real waste of time probably.


So, you think you are smarter than your body? emoticon Who knows what was going on, mental re-wiring, fighting a sickness... when the body is going through change, it needs sleep. Sleep is when a lot of changes//healing/development occurs.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/15/20 6:09 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash Mahmoudpour:
Saturday February 15, 2020

After 1-2 months of intense negative emotions, it was 4-5 days that it was relatively calm, and now it seems that a big wave of restlessness is arising, with tension in muscles and pain in the chest around two points there that seem to be energy blockages. If my speculation about maps would be right, these are usually re-observation territory, but the things that I don't know about this mapping are much much more than things that I know, so.

I'm really happy that you have continued with fairly consistent daily practice. Yes, often times reobservation comes back after a lull. Just remember, reobservation is trying to show you all your triggers (good) yet is also trying to seduce you into reacting (bad). 

Sometimes expressing some kind of clear intention/resolution can help... Actually, it always helps

"May I have the experiences that will lead to insight into the causes of confusion. May I have the experiences that will lead to insight into the causes of unhelpful suffering. May these experiences be as gentle as possible, yet provide me the understanding I need. May I have insights for the benefit of all beings, including myself."

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/15/20 7:35 AM as a reply to shargrol.
shargrol:
I'm really happy that you have continued with fairly consistent daily practice. Yes, often times reobservation comes back after a lull. Just remember, reobservation is trying to show you all your triggers (good) yet is also trying to seduce you into reacting (bad). 


This is excellent. I've been sort of overlaying the 10 Armies of Mara into the re-observation phase. There's so much to learn in that region especially around averting and grasping and conceit - measuring myself against others through inflation of self (and its opposite: deflation of self). Conceit can be so subtle, so fine, so phantom-like, if unseen, can produce a negatively impactful self and world-view leading to their corresponding actions. The benefit of this is that it has been exposed but perhaps at the expense of suffering for both yourself and a second party. 

What are your thoughts about conceit in the re-observation area, shargrol and Siavash?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/15/20 7:53 AM as a reply to shargrol.
I really need to learn (and remember!) to add that part of it presenting itself in a gentle way... because yes, it does work, and often in a less gentle way if that isn't specified, in my experience. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/15/20 10:55 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thank you so much Shargrol, I really appreciate your help.

I don't think that I am smarter than this body. But maybe some other things could be avoided outside of practice, that could give an easier ride, maybe not. That's why I said probably. But yeah, body knows what it's doing.

Regarding daily practice, yeah, thanks. Sometimes life gets difficult (well it always has been as far as I remember!), but we should continue, I don't see another option.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/15/20 12:11 PM as a reply to Bardo.
Bardo:
shargrol:
I'm really happy that you have continued with fairly consistent daily practice. Yes, often times reobservation comes back after a lull. Just remember, reobservation is trying to show you all your triggers (good) yet is also trying to seduce you into reacting (bad). 


This is excellent. I've been sort of overlaying the 10 Armies of Mara into the re-observation phase. There's so much to learn in that region especially around averting and grasping and conceit - measuring myself against others through inflation of self (and its opposite: deflation of self). Conceit can be so subtle, so fine, so phantom-like, if unseen, can produce a negatively impactful self and world-view leading to their corresponding actions. The benefit of this is that it has been exposed but perhaps at the expense of suffering for both yourself and a second party. 

What are your thoughts about conceit in the re-observation area, shargrol and Siavash?


For me mostly it takes the form of worry. Worrying that I have done things right. In the past I had lots of thoughts about what others think about me, these days there aren't much, but I see it in my actions, that if I trace their intentions, sometimes the root intention is this worry, that what others think of me. I haven't traced it in different stages to see if there are differences or not. Often the main emotions that I have are worry and despair, which I think they are rooted in a view of self.

-- Edit:
Any yes, comparison seems to be often there. It's subtle though. A lot of times I am not aware of comparison, because I think there is a deeper problem, that it seems that I don't deserve a lot of things for myself, and as a result, I don't compare myself with others. It has been an ongoing thing since my childhood. I often do things for others, but when it comes to myself, I just let it go and say who cares. Although it has decreased in recent years. A few days ago I made it a mantra, that for some minutes I recited all the good things that I could think of, and I repeated that I deserve this, or I deserve that. I think this is probably the main cause for despair.

Today after being 14 hours in bed, and sleeping around 12 hours, now there is no restlessness.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/18/20 2:07 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, February 17, 2020

Yesterday I forced myself to wake up earlier, and tortued myself to stay awake, so that I could sleep earlier at night and be able to go to work today, which kind of worked.

I think there was a state/stage shift these two days. Since the day before yesterday, there has been much less energetic sensations. The murk has more depth and three dimensionality to it, and the color statics there look more unified and dense and less staticy. Last night, especially while in bed, there was lots of bright lights in the murk, they were mostly fiery, like Molten Gold, but slow, often with bright light purple/violet, and the white end of violet, that looks more like that slow flames around burning coals, and they expanded in a larger area, and were constantly expanding and contracting, and often it looked like there is a transparency around the middle part of it, that you could see an image or another space behind it if you looked carefully, but there wasn't anything behind it, although it had that feeling to it.

Yesterday and today emotionally it feels calm and neutral. And yesterday there was this familiar things, that visual objects with eyes open looked "bolder" and more three dimensional, and it had this feeling that if I look closer, the shell would go away and these visual object would reveal their essence.

My guess is that this can be Equanimity, although I don't know enough.

Last night I had a dream, that in its first part "I went to the rooftop of the office building to smoke a cigarette, but I got surprised, because there was a vast landscape there, a vast open field and there was high mountains and the end of it, very high mountains like walls. First I was afraid to walk outside of the familiar territory of rooftop, but then I did, and this thought came to my mind that, I used to have dreams of vast landscapes in the past, why I don't have such dreams nowadays (This was happening in the dream), then I got mental images of vast open flat landscapes, deserts and mountains.. ." I wonder if these open landscapes could be an indicator of Equanimity? (By the way, I don't remember to have such landscapes in my dreams, the ones that came from "memory" in this dream)

And I wonder what is this feeling of familiarity. In this dream, after seeing that landscape and getting memories of this other open spaces, there was this feeling that, this all is very familiar, and I have had this for a long time... . This is a distinct feeling, and these days it happens a lot in my dreams, that I get that feeling about something, and I feel that my past was full of it, but in real life I had none of that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/17/20 6:48 AM as a reply to Siavash.
... in real life I had none of that.

Well, not consciously, anyway  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/17/20 7:08 AM as a reply to Siavash.
That feeling of familiarity! Sounds good to me. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/17/20 8:47 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
... in real life I had none of that.

Well, not consciously, anyway  emoticon


Yeah, sure.. . And by real life, I don't mean that those dreams are less real, but.., limitations of language!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/17/20 8:50 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
That feeling of familiarity! Sounds good to me. 


It has a unique taste and flavor. Like seeing a good friend after a long time, in a place that you both had spent time together. But I guess this feeling itself has different flavors. Needs investigation.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/22/20 11:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, February 22, 2020

for the last 4 days I practiced fire kasina, and I think each night I did around 4-6 hours overally, or maybe more (I don't care much about how long I practice nowadays). And since the night before last night, I started to have more brighter colors in the visual field, and lots of fiery visuals. There were bright lights that looked like explosion of light, that is almost painful to look at it since it's so bright.

There was intense throbbing in the left side of the body, especially upper arm and upper back.

I was trying to have a 5 pointed star in the murk, but setting intentions didn't work, so I tried to actively imagine it. First I tried it on a wall and I could see it there, and then I had it in the murk with eyes closed. Although I didn't try to refine it more and went back to focusing on the change.

This morning I had lots of weird dreams, in one of them, they wanted to arrest me, and I didn't know why, then I found myself lying down in a prayer room, and a guy entered the room and sat beside the door, and said hi to me, that was one of my classmates in the university. I was thinking he may want to help me. Then I woke up, and opened my eyes, but the room still was looking like the one in the dream, and for 1-2 minutes I was feeling the presence of that guy in the room. I was trying to see the room the way it actually is in my house, but I was seeing it like it was in the dream. After maybe 5-6 minutes, I really opened my eyes (The previous opening of eyes was part of the dream I guess), and started seeing the room the way it is, but still parts of the room was looking like the one in the dream. This used to happened very often in the past, before my 20's I think, but I don't remember to have it in recent years.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/22/20 5:03 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Interesting. In my thread about lucid sleep, neko says that projecting an image with eyes open is something that Daniel can do only efter very intense retreating. I'm wondering what counts as projecting an image then. You could see a star on the wall. I believe you. Still, I'm guessing that it is something different from what Daniel sees when he projects images. I was once able to see traces of colors in the air when I was painting with my hand, but that was very very faint and transparent and probably more like a visualization that I was starting to believe in. It was during a spontaneity home practice course with Shinzen. I don't think it was anything remotely close to what Daniel can do. I was probably just fooling myself. Still, it is fascinating what the mind can fabricate.

I have had those layers of dreams to, "waking up" but remaining inside a dream. At one time, it happened so many times that it was frustrating, especially since I really needed to go to the toilet, and in the dreams they were never working. Eventually it became lucid insofar as I knew that it was still a dream and tried to wake myself up. I managed to blink my eyes open for a brief moment, and that made the image of my bedroom come through as a flash that broke through the fourth screen of the dream. I think what we see when we are wakeful is still a fourth screen fabrication made by our mind to interpret signals that would otherwise be totally unrecognizable to us. Therefore it is probably fully possible to see a dream screen with eyes open too. We just don't normally believe it to be possible, and thus we close the door to it. But when we have just woken up in the morning, that kind of resistance hasn't yet switched on fully. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/22/20 5:18 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Interesting. In my thread about lucid sleep, neko says that projecting an image with eyes open is something that Daniel can do only efter very intense retreating. I'm wondering what counts as projecting an image then. You could see a star on the wall. I believe you. Still, I'm guessing that it is something different from what Daniel sees when he projects images. I was once able to see traces of colors in the air when I was painting with my hand, but that was very very faint and transparent and probably more like a visualization that I was starting to believe in. It was during a spontaneity home practice course with Shinzen. I don't think it was anything remotely close to what Daniel can do. I was probably just fooling myself. Still, it is fascinating what the mind can fabricate.


Yes, I think this is different from projecting an image, the way neko talked about.

The colors that I see with eyes closed, I usually see all or most of them with eyes open too if I focus on something for some seconds, but they are less bright and less defined. A lot of times there is a pale green blob in the center of visual field or near the center with eyes closed, that sometimes turn to green or blue (not pixelated), and when I focus on a surface with eyes open, especially with a brighter color like the walls in my room, I can see the same green blob, that is always moving and changing shape. Last year in the early weeks that I started fire kasina, I noticed that sometimes I can change its shape to a a  or a circle or 4 pointed star, and yesterday it was "the same blob" in the center of visual field that I was trying to shape it into star. I don't think that this is anything hard or special, and probably depending on concentration level, with a few minutes to a few hours of practice, most people can do it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/22/20 5:37 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Yeah, probably. It's like that for me too. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/24/20 1:02 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, February 24, 2020

Last two days I continued with 4-6 hours or more of practice each night. It's been several days that I don't go to work, partly because of this virus, and partly because I want to practice more, and also try to change some of the bad habits that I've developed over a long time.

I practiced mostly by focusing on the changes in the murk, and also used candle flame a few times.

What was different these two days, one is the variety of colors that has increased. And those bright dots have become much brighter, I think brighter than a candle flame or a LED light. And also these bright lights that appear in the top of the visual field were much brighter.

There are different kinds of lights that arise. Two of them that arise more, are one that arise at the bottom of visual field, that appears to be in front of my mouth, and below my nose, that is unified, and less bright, and looks like a relatively large ball of light, and stays longer, up to 10-20 minutes I guess.

The other one that I mentioned above, arises at the top of the field, feels like an energy release. Before it arise, often less than two seconds or less than a second before it arise, I know that it's about to arise, because there is a distinct feeling in the face that feels like a release, and also my eyes get squeezed and closed very tightly, and intense vibrations in my head arise, and then this light appears, that seems to have two parts. One is the brightest spot, that is like a small circle of very dense and bright light, and the second is a larger area that light spreads in it, like lightning. The first time that it arose last night, it was so bright, that I had never had like that before, and also lasted longer. Often its brightest time lasts a few seconds, but this one lasted 20-30 seconds, that caused pain and itching in my eyes. Several times it arose after that, that were similarly bright and lasted around 10 seconds each time.

Toward the end of practice last night, I had strong pains at the base of spine again.

Most of the time mantra is autonomic and plays itself. Also the musics that I listen get stuck in my mind for hours or days.

Yesterday after waking up, there was a feeling of love, as if I have fallen in love with something os someone. Although it's been a long time that I haven't experienced it, and often it looks absurd to fall in love with someone (yeah I know, when it comes, all reasonings disappear), but this feeling was similar to that. Then for a few hours I listened to music, and was enjoying it like the old times (I was a music junkie for a long time), then it turned to worry and despair, and got neutral at the end I guess.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/25/20 6:26 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Last night I continued with 5-6 hours of practice. Mostly focued on the changes in the murk, then used color kasina a few times, first a red circle on a black background, which had a very beautiful green-blue after image the first time I looked at it, but then removed almost all colors from the murk except for black/gray! And turned it into a very dark field. then I used a white circle on a black background, and it brought back some of the colors and some beams of bright light. Then used candle flame twice. The red dot stayed stable much longer than usual. Often it flickers on and off, but this time it was there with almost no effort. And continued after that by focusing on the changes and movements in the murk.

for the 2-3 hours at the end near the morning, the movements in the murk were very fast that I had not like that before. It was like what you see from a time lapse camera of a crowded street, that everythings moves very fast in different directions, and there was nothing in the visual field that was not moving fast. And this bright light was arising at the top of the field, which I think is Molten Gold. And often it looks like there is something behind it, but nothing has showed up behind it so far.

For a few hours there was a sense of dizziness or vertigo or not having balance in the visual field with eyes open, as if the visual field itself moves, and when I move my head, the visual field in front of me moves also.

While in bed, I continued the same practice, and for the first time, a relatively clear image appeared for a moment. It was a young woman's face with heavy makeup, that I didn't know her, and couldn't find a memory of her.

There was very strong pain around the tale bone and base of the spine toward the end.

I am again enjoying music a lot like the old times, I don't know if it's related to practice or not.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/26/20 1:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash Mahmoudpour:
Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Last night I continued with 5-6 hours of practice. Mostly focued on the changes in the murk, then used color kasina a few times, first a red circle on a black background, which had a very beautiful green-blue after image the first time I looked at it, but then removed almost all colors from the murk except for black/gray! And turned it into a very dark field. then I used a white circle on a black background, and it brought back some of the colors and some beams of bright light. Then used candle flame twice. The red dot stayed stable much longer than usual. Often it flickers on and off, but this time it was there with almost no effort. And continued after that by focusing on the changes and movements in the murk.

for the 2-3 hours at the end near the morning, the movements in the murk were very fast that I had not like that before. It was like what you see from a time lapse camera of a crowded street, that everythings moves very fast in different directions, and there was nothing in the visual field that was not moving fast. And this bright light was arising at the top of the field, which I think is Molten Gold. And often it looks like there is something behind it, but nothing has showed up behind it so far.

For a few hours there was a sense of dizziness or vertigo or not having balance in the visual field with eyes open, as if the visual field itself moves, and when I move my head, the visual field in front of me moves also.

While in bed, I continued the same practice, and for the first time, a relatively clear image appeared for a moment. It was a young woman's face with heavy makeup, that I didn't know her, and couldn't find a memory of her.

There was very strong pain around the tale bone and base of the spine toward the end.

I am again enjoying music a lot like the old times, I don't know if it's related to practice or not.


While doing today's share of practice (Now, Wednesday 10:41 am, sleep time has shifted, so all todays are a mix of yesterdays and tomorrows!), at the end of it before going to bed, I think I had fallen asleep, that my body jumped and I woke up, because my right big toe was burning. For 1-3 seconds my mind started looking for some fire or a burning cigarette, because it was exactly feeling like burning with a cigarette, but it was just a result of concentration. I got distracted and the feeling of burning went away after 10-20 seconds.

This energy body needs some purification!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
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2/26/20 8:27 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, February 27, 2020, 4:28 am
(Without editing, just to get them out of my mind)

This morning in a dream: seeing an arrow, a clear 3D one, pointing to a fresh mint leaf, and thinking that, oh, this was the same symbol that I had a little while ago, that made me wake up while I was asleep, and I was getting images about that, seeing an arrow of statics or something, pointing to a leaf. I think I was talking to my brother in the dream. And while seeing this arrow and leaf, I tried to focus on it, and make it clearer. When I woke up after this dream to go to bathroom, there was strong pain in my eyes, because of the amount of vibrations in my head during the practice, that cause my eyes to water. I think there was some lucidity during part of sleep, that I was aware of the body (scratching my chest), but I don’t remember more.

Feeling of burning in the right big toe came back tonight, and also in the right side of the face.
Pain in the left side of the tale bone, and some momentary ones in the left side of the body.
Pain in the eyes because of many intense vibrations that yesterday had happened during the practice. Also a feeling of burning inside the eyes, that sometimes shows up while getting concentrated.

Vague dreams that occur most days, but I don’t remember them clearly, just some vague images and some vague feelings. These are the recurring themes:

“Going to mountain hiking alone, or sometimes with a few people, but getting separated from them, and it’s late in the evening, and I am thinking should I go up or come back down.

Writing or drawing on a notebook, and the things that I write or draw, either are very emotionally important for me, or they turn to objects, or images or something different as I don’t remember.

Being in top of a mountain, or in the middle of in beside a lake or ocean, or a spring, or floating in the air, or on a very high cliff, or something like that!

Having a very nice house of my own, and enjoying being in it.

Getting back to university after I had left it, and I have taken some courses, and it’s near the end of semester, and I am not ready for exams, I don’t know what are the textbooks, what should I study, where should I begin, and the rest of it.”

How nice it is typing this way, in a half dark room, with the lights of the keys of the keyboard. Reminds me of the time that we used to work on silk carpets, and sometimes the last days before finishing a carpet, we would work at nights also, and it was very pleasant for me always to work at nights, and hear the sound of making knots. It was definitely a light flow state, and I would be absorbed in the activity of making knots and enjoying colors and music in the air (as the little guy in Twin Peaks says). Good times.


--An Edit:
Tonight my mind feel distracted and restless, and jumps from one topic to another, and there are lots of mental talks, and mantra and labeling don't help much to turn the mind's radio off!
And the way Daniel descripbes in MCTB2, it feels that the practice is not enough, and attention doesn't get close enough to sensations, and doesn't penetrate sensations. I would like to be concentrated on an object to the exclusion of everything else, but that would require a lot of work.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
2/27/20 1:40 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash Mahmoudpour:
Thursday, February 27, 2020, 4:28 am
(Without editing, just to get them out of my mind)

This morning in a dream: seeing an arrow, a clear 3D one, pointing to a fresh mint leaf, and thinking that, oh, this was the same symbol that I had a little while ago, that made me wake up while I was asleep, and I was getting images about that, seeing an arrow of statics or something, pointing to a leaf. I think I was talking to my brother in the dream. And while seeing this arrow and leaf, I tried to focus on it, and make it clearer. When I woke up after this dream to go to bathroom, there was strong pain in my eyes, because of the amount of vibrations in my head during the practice, that cause my eyes to water. I think there was some lucidity during part of sleep, that I was aware of the body (scratching my chest), but I don’t remember more.

Feeling of burning in the right big toe came back tonight, and also in the right side of the face.
Pain in the left side of the tale bone, and some momentary ones in the left side of the body.
Pain in the eyes because of many intense vibrations that yesterday had happened during the practice. Also a feeling of burning inside the eyes, that sometimes shows up while getting concentrated.

Vague dreams that occur most days, but I don’t remember them clearly, just some vague images and some vague feelings. These are the recurring themes:

“Going to mountain hiking alone, or sometimes with a few people, but getting separated from them, and it’s late in the evening, and I am thinking should I go up or come back down.

Writing or drawing on a notebook, and the things that I write or draw, either are very emotionally important for me, or they turn to objects, or images or something different as I don’t remember.

Being in top of a mountain, or in the middle of in beside a lake or ocean, or a spring, or floating in the air, or on a very high cliff, or something like that!

Having a very nice house of my own, and enjoying being in it.

Getting back to university after I had left it, and I have taken some courses, and it’s near the end of semester, and I am not ready for exams, I don’t know what are the textbooks, what should I study, where should I begin, and the rest of it.”

How nice it is typing this way, in a half dark room, with the lights of the keys of the keyboard. Reminds me of the time that we used to work on silk carpets, and sometimes the last days before finishing a carpet, we would work at nights also, and it was very pleasant for me always to work at nights, and hear the sound of making knots. It was definitely a light flow state, and I would be absorbed in the activity of making knots and enjoying colors and music in the air (as the little guy in Twin Peaks says). Good times.


--An Edit:
Tonight my mind feel distracted and restless, and jumps from one topic to another, and there are lots of mental talks, and mantra and labeling don't help much to turn the mind's radio off!
And the way Daniel descripbes in MCTB2, it feels that the practice is not enough, and attention doesn't get close enough to sensations, and doesn't penetrate sensations. I would like to be concentrated on an object to the exclusion of everything else, but that would require a lot of work.


Asked these questions during the practice, in order to notice not-self characteristic:
Who is seeing, who if feeling, what is seeing/feeling, what is perceiving, which one of these sensations is perceiving the others? Can a somatic sensation perceive a visual one? Can a visual one perceive a somatic one? If a somatic sensation in my head can perceive the others, then those sensation in my foot should be able to perceive others too. They don’t have any difference. The image of my head, is just an image, if I remove it, then how do I know there is any distance between the sensations in my nose and in my ear? Is there really any distance? And by examining this, I noticed that I feel those sensations are closer to each other, and my hands are closer to my head, and the colors in the murk got closer to my face, but not much. Some of them, a bright light I think, was connected to my face, but the others kept a little distance.

Was able to sustain Molten Gold (bright light at the top) for two plus minutes. Toward the end, instead of bright white/yellow, they were golden color, sometimes mixed with some green.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/5/20 5:10 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, Match 6, 2020

Last night for a few hours before going to bed, I was noticing arising and passing of sensations more clearly. I was keeping the whole of my experience in awareness (or whatever), and noticing how all sensations, including visual space are arising from nowhere and then fading away.

It’s been a few days that it happens more, that I notice shifts and wiggles in visual space with eyes open, and sometimes with eyes closed, as if it’s expanding or contracting, or has waviness, or suddenly it turn to a much bigger space with eyes closed. And sometimes it causes feelings like vertigo. And lots of time it feels like the visual space and objects in it, are clearer, but also smaller maybe(?), like I can take the space with my hand and move it. Sometimes this sense includes the body images too, that I don’t feel very centered in this body image like always, and it feels like this body image and the space around it are like some cartoonish shapes that can move or get separated from the space, or I can take all of it with my hand.
I think probably a reason for the above, is that mental images become clearer, and sometimes with eyes half closed, it somehow feels like the mental images happen in the room, and there is a subtle merging of mental image/talk space and external space.

In this few days, especially today, the color statics in the murk are more fine-grained. Most of these colors are made of lines, that sometimes look more unified, sometimes less. Today it looks like a painting with a pastille. And since yesterday I notice tiny little points in the murk, that are just big enough to be noticed, and appear for just a few moments.

I have done less practice in this 3-4 days, but it happens today (and a few times yesterday), when I remember to be mindful, there is a joy that arise at that moment, that, how great it is that I can practice!

(We need much better languages, that you can convey what you want, with much less “words” in a more clear and precise way.)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/5/20 6:13 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sounds really good, let this simple joy infuse everying. And be sure to keep going with a very gentle but daily practice! emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/5/20 6:55 PM as a reply to shargrol.
shargrol:
Sounds really good, let this simple joy infuse everying. And be sure to keep going with a very gentle but daily practice! emoticon


Thank you dear shargrol,
Yes, that's what I want to do.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/10/20 8:30 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, Match 10, 2020
(unedited)

It’s been a few hours that there is a feeling/mind state, that seems to be new. When memories comes, I don’t feel very related to them. Always they feel like they had happened to me, but it feels now that it’s not very clear whom was it that they happened to. They feel very far (except for recent memories with family, and very recent memories in general).

A few days ago I did a hair cut myself partly because of this virus, and then shaved my head. It was 15 hears that I had not done it. And I don’t know if this change in “self-image” had any impact of this feeling.

It seems that I can’t find a solid place to tie those memories to it. Although it now has decreased compared to the last few hours.

Not very related, but reminds me of a feeling that I had for sometime when I was in middle school. It was part of a national school system that had entrance exam, and top students from all the towns around were there, and I was always the best one in terms of studies (My other records were terrible), and we were in campus except for weekends. At some point I start thinking and feeling that this whole thing is just a dream. I am still in elementary school, and there wasn’t any exam, and none of is real, because it can’t be real. This idea was very real looking, and for that period, a lot of times I couldn’t discern which one of these is the reality, so I stopped caring about anything for sometime. Later I decided to let go of this, because I couldn’t find any answer, but this feeling went away after I engaged again in studies and activities.

And that reminds me of the other thing that I had earlier in childhood. We used to go to my grand parents village each summer, and a few minutes before reaching the village while on the road, we could see the trees. Seeing that trees was the best thing to have each year. There is a school near my parents house, that had trees. Now I think that it’s not possible to see those trees from that house, but at that time, I thought that I could see the trees of school from our house, but then I would start thinking that are these the trees of the village or the school, and I would oscillate back and forth between both answers. Being a dreamer, those trees would show up in my dreams too, and I would wake up and think that I am looking at the village and seeing its trees, then realize that no, this is the trees in school, but actually there were no trees, it was just a dream or some imagination.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/26/20 11:02 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, March 26, 2020, 12:38 PM
(A few notes, before I forget them -- uneditted)

There is this equanimity sometimes (The amount of times that I have it increases), that is quiet, kind of, when I first notice it, it is subtly pleasant, and then it becomes the normal way of being. And when something happens that usually and by the habit, would cause a negative feeling, I just stay there and watch it pass away completely, and then watch that “not arising of negative feeling/reaction”, as if for it to arise, there should be some tension and contraction, and if I don’t have that contraction, then the negative feeling won’t arise, and I just watch this not contracting, and non arising of negative feeling.

Also this happens more frequently with a state of equanimity, that at periods, since I don’t react to the thoughts that arise, they stop arising, and there is just silence with no or not much content in the mind, but I know that it’s not complete silence in the mind, because I can sense existence and activity of a lower layer of activity in the mind at that time, it’s just that its content doesn’t arise much to the upper level of mind.

When getting sleepy while practicing: First to say that, there is a high clarity often, and sleepiness doesn’t cause a decrease of clarity. Many mental images arise, that after seeing it, this comes to mind that “oh I am remembering now, this was part of my dreams last night”, and then the next image and so on, and with each one I get this feeling of remembering a dream. But now I think that maybe they were not part of my dreams in the last nights, and there is just this feeling in this moment that causes me to think that I am remembering them.

Also while being sleepy: I find myself in a distance from myself, and there are at least two or three people, one is the original me that is meditating, and the other or others are me that observing this meditator me or talking about him. The one that occurred in this last sit, one of those observer selfs said that: “He (meditator me) is having that experience…”, and the other observer self said: “You (meditator me) should do it this way…”. It was some months ago that this thing was happening, but then stopped. Now it comes back again. Cycles of cycles.

This thing happens more frequently in the last several days, that for a moment I feel that my body just started to float, but immediately returned back to its stable position. So I don’t experience floating, but for a moment or a fraction of it, there is a different feeling like weightlessness maybe.

trying to notice more positive vedanas, and relax and feel relaxations.

These 1-2 weeks focusing on the body and breath, and almost no practice on visuals.

Lots of energetic sensations, sharp and intense pains and strong itches. Lots of pinzi sensations, mostly spread on the left side of the head or left arm (I call them pinzi, the sensations that are a mix of tingling, chills, pins and needles, and very fine-grained, that often spread on a relatively large area of the body)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
3/30/20 8:57 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, March 30, 2020, 5:55 PM

A few days ago I shared a link with a friend, and she got excited and said that I’ll listen to it right now, then I said jokingly that you might wanna wait a little bit, and take a walk and calm down, so that you can handle this craving to know new things, and she accepted.

Now I noticed arrival of a new interview, and I was already listening to another interview, and it had a few minutes left, so new material, I had the same kind of craving and wanted to stop the one I was listening and start listening to the new one, but then I remembered what I had told my friend, so I stopped, and decided to finish the current one and then listen to the new interview. After that, it was interesting that I noticed a feeling/mind-state of sadness, as if someone has insulted me that has caused feeling upset! This feeling was a trigger to come and write this log entry.

For a period of less than 10 years in the past, I had aversion to sleep, and I always wanted to stay awake. As a result, I would stay awake for 40-60 hours in average, and then I would fall asleep somewhere and wake up 10-18 hours later. It had been some years that this habit had changed thankfully, but now with this staying home business, it has returned. I guess I have slept only 4-6 times in this last two weeks, and now it’s more than 70 hours that I am awake, but I still don’t want to sleep. At least temporarily in the last few days, I notice my sleep time has decreased. Last time I stayed awake for around 50 hours, but then slept only 9-10 hours, and the time before that, it was the same. Don’t know where it’s going. I don’t feel bad about it. I have hope for many things that I didn’t have hope before.

Yesterday (yesterday..! I mean around 20 hours ago) I discovered Martha Argerich, and I got amazed by what an artist she is. She has the true effortless performance, like when Messi plays football (soccer) in his good times. I did a few hours of practice by listening to her piano, by trying to focus exclusively on the music. The first sit, the tingling sensations in the back of my head got intense, and then filled whole of my head, and turned into some kind of tingly pressure, as if I am wearing a very tight hat or something like that. Then it passed away, but came back again, and since that, it regularly comes and goes, and now while typing, I feel there is something on my head, external to it, that puts pressure on it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/2/20 12:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, April 2, 2020, 9:44 AM

Finally I slept. It was a hundred and ten hours that I was I awake, but then the night before last night I started falling asleep, and could not do anything about it. I had heard before that, in some places they use sleep deprivation as a torture method, and I had heard forcing them to stay awake for 5 days, so maybe 5 days is a threshold? I don’t know. I fall asleep around 4 am and was asleep there for 8-9 hours while sitting. Then I woke up and went to my bed and slept for another 16 hours maybe, in two rounds. It’s interesting comparing this with what was happening a few months ago, that for more than two months in that period, I was sleeping for long hours and always feeling sleepy, and it was feeling that no amount of sleep is enough.

Yesterday I noticed more about the way images appear while being sleepy, and probably in dreams. I had noticed this before, that when I am sleepy and seeing dream-like images, the images themselves are not very important, but the qualities that they represent and relationship between those images are more important. For instance, there is a thinking about a quality, being afraid for instance, and then some images appear to convey that quality. It’s two days that I don’t have cigarettes and instead, I was using hand made ones with some tobacco that I had. Yesterday while being sleepy, I was thinking about these kinds of cigarettes and also programming languages like C and C++, and in that sleepy mode, I couldn’t discern between them, because the qualities that they were representing were the main thing in the mind, and since both of these primitive cigarettes and those languages have that qualities, I didn’t know which one of them I am thinking about. Qualities being more “primitive”, low level, strong and etc.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/19/20 9:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, April 19, 2020

It’s two months now that I am home, with almost no in-person contact with anyone. Just once a week or so going out to supermarket. And as a result, practice has lost its quality. The other thing that has added to the mess, is that I had flu like symptoms for I guess 5 times during this month or so, and I don’t know it’s because of this covid or not. The last one that started 5-6 days ago, now feels better, but still there is discomfort in the throat and chest, that I first attributed it to smoking, but I guess it’s more than that.

All of these, has brought some of the problems that I had in the past, but had worked out to some extent in the last years. One of them is strong procrastination. It’s I guess two weeks now that I am trying to start to work, but I haven’t succeeded. I guess I’ll start today. I hope so.

Last few days I tried to practice more, and add to the quality of practice, so that it help get out of this situation.

There is a strong need to be in nature, and spend some time with the mountains, but I don’t have a car, and there is no way to go there without being in touch with people. I used to walk there when I was younger, but that body doesn’t exist anymore. It’s at least 10-12 hours walk if I wanted to walk there and come back. There will be a solution, but I don’t know what that is, yet.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/19/20 10:04 AM as a reply to Siavash.
This quarantine stuff isn't easy. It's disorienting in a lot of ways. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/19/20 10:20 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Yes.
In the beginning I wanted to take it as a home-retreat time, but it was nothing like that.
It requires new skills to get along with it. Certain parts of this situation is not new for me, I had similar periods of being alone and dealing with a sickness that I didn't know what that was, but this one has its own flavor, with its problems.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/19/20 5:13 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, April 20, 2020, 2:22 AM

So for a few days I'll probbaly write on this wall more frequently than my normal rate of posting, and if that kind of spamming in the Recent Posts causes discomfort for anyone, sorry. Trying to find ways to get out of this situation.

I have a few friends and family members, who always tell me if I were you, I would earn this amount of money, and do this and that... (They tell this because of me being a coder, and relatively a good one). My response always is, if you were me, you wouldn't telling this, and you'd do the things that I've done, you see parts of me, but don't see the other parts. They are ignorant of the problems that someone like me has. I've seen this a lot, that you either are average in everything, or many things, and you have a "normal" life. On the other hand, you are good in certain things, and are not good at all in many things, so you can't have a "normal" lilfe, and that's the way it is.

Finally I started working today. Worked for 5 hours, but with a slow pace, not trying to push myself which causes anxiety. Then had a break, and practiced for two hours, focusing on the body and the breath. And now I am writing this, then I'll work for some hours again. Probably I stay awake today and just work and practice. Will see how it goes. My gut says that this period is ending, and a period of being more productive is about to start (If this virus doesn't surprise me). No wonder, this is the pattern that happens each year this time of the year for some years now!

It seems that everyday I am having this dream, that is pretty vague, but the theme is I am floating on top of a lake or ocean, or I am on a very high wall and about to fall, or floating in the air on top of a mountain, or being on the water in a vast space. Always it's in darkness of the night, and it doesn't feel scary or dangerous, but instead there is feeling of wonder and curiosity with it. Often I am not alone and someone close to me is with me, but I haven't seen that person yet in these dreams and I don't know who they are. It just feels that there is someone with me there.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/19/20 11:08 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Worked for 3 more hours, and then did 1-2 hours of practice, but I got quite sleepy at the end, and now I have pain in the eyes, and it's not fair to work with a sleepy mind, and it's not fair to body also. I am going to sleep. I hope to not sleep too long, and wake up after 4-5 hours.

Some worry and anxiety arose about 2-3 hours ago, because these feelings of burning and discomfort in the throat and trachea got more intense, and I started to need coughing, that would mean that there is another cause beside smoking. So I started listening to a new interview from Leigh Brasington, and started practicing while listening and after that. Now the anxiety is almost gone, and those discomforts have decreased also. If this is because of covid, based on the experience of a few people that I know, probably it will be like this for about a month, if it stays like this and not become more problematic.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/21/20 7:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020, 12:40 AM

Slept for near 8 hours, more than what I wanted to. In the early hours I woke up once because of a dream. In the dream I was at home, naked, somebody knocked the door, I knew that they are around three people there, one of them a girl that I knew, maybe a relative or a friend, but I couldn't know who she was, They continued knocking the door, and I was looking for my cloths to then go open the door, that they pushed the door and opened it, and I woke up at that moment, scared.

Did a longer chat today with my close friend, who seems to have covid, and is getting better now, and the chat was good.

Body was feeling ok after I woke up, but still with pain and feeling of burning in the throat and breathing pathways. But it's a few hours now that again low energy and aches and pains in the body have started. It's like a sin arc, for 2-3 days there are aches and pains and very low level of energy, then it's more normal for 1-2 days, and then again it repeats like that.

There were energetic sensations at the base of spine last night. And some pains in the back, that often arise related to those energetic sensations, but it seems that one of them is related to this sickness maybe.

Listening to the interview that Daniel posted today. And preparing some meal. Then I guess I'll do an hour of practice, and then start working.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/21/20 7:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020, 4:29 AM

I had two sits, one around 35 minutes, the other 50-55 minutes, focusing on the sensations of breathing at the nose, and then focusing on the sensations of wight and relaxation in my hands. There was crazy amount of sweating in my head and only in my head, specially in the second sit, that caused me to clean my face once every 2-3 minutes. It was enough of distraction. After a while, again there was this feeling that when drops of sweat were moving on the skin, it was as if a card is cutting my tissue and bones, painful. I think it's because of concentration, both the sweating and this painful feeling.

I see how my mind tends towards practice, and I just want to practice more, because it's a good and valid way of not working! I should work now, but I like to continue practicing, because I then can say, well I didn't work but I didn't waste my time and did something useful!

-- Edit 1:
I've examined this during this last week, and it's interesting, that when I relax the body and focus on the relaxation, these
symptoms of sickness become less intense for sometime after that.

-- Edit 2:
After I discovered
Martha Argerich a few weeks ago, among videos of her on youtube, I liked two of them more than the others so far, and I watched those videos many times, with paying careful attention to her hands and fingers while playing piano. Interestingly enough, a few days after that I noticed a change in my typing. I notice that I type more effortlessly, and use my fingers more efficiently, and the whole process of typing is much more enjoyable. Love you Martha!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/21/20 7:55 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020, 12:26 PM

Worked for 3-4 hours at last. Did two walking practices, a longer one before work, and a shorter one after the work. I relaxed the body, and instead of normal way of me doing the walking, I let the walking happen on its own (to the extent that I could), and take whatever form it wanted to take. Something similar to Shinzen's Auto Walk/Move. And it took a funny form, something between a relaxed slow walking and a trance dancing. It was relaxing and freeing.

And did a few hours of sitting practices. I try to develop a higher level of concentration, by focusing exclusively on a very narrow object, like the tip of one finger, or the left side of left nostril.

And now I am tired and
exhausted, with excruciating pain in th eyes. I need to sleep.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/21/20 8:33 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020, 5:15 AM

Today I had 8-9 hours of sleep in two rounds. After waking up, body feels sick. There were aches and pains and very low energy, and still pain and feeling of burning in the breathing pathways. I would like to have a test, but tests are reserved for those who have real problem with breathing or are old, since there are limited test kits in the country (Thanks to the sanctions by "God bless you Big Brother").

But there is no 
indulgence when you are alone, you have to do the necessary things, so I washed some dishes and am cooking some food. Took a shower after some days that I hadn't done it (What happens when a procrastinator has low energy!), and now after that I feel much lighter, and body feels much better. I thanked the bathroom, the water and the universe for giving me this chance to be able to wash myself.

I probably go out a few hours later to go to the bank to get a new card for one of my bank accounts, it has expired 4 years ago! and that brings some worry.

I think today I'll stick to the same practices that I was doing last days, to stabilize attention on a narrow object. I hope to find the right balance between work and practice. It's kind of strange this resistence that I have to work from home. It feels to be the hardest thing in the world. In the past I liked it, and I would be more productive when working from home, but now it's different.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 1:21 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, April 23, 2020, 10:20 AM

Yesterday morning I went to bank for my card, but it didn't go well since my ID card also has expired. I need more work to do with that. All my life seems to be expired. It's good that out bodies don't expire!

This, and a few negative things that happened, caused an intense anxiety to arise. I wanted to start to work after I came home, but there was so much negativity emotionally, and also aches and pains in the body, and difficulty with breathing. Breath cycles were becoming shorter and I needed to take deep breaths frequently. So I lied down, and opened a talk by Jack Kornfield, to to try to relax. It was helpful but not so much. So I added another track by him, and for 2-3 hours I was just listening to him and Tsoknyi Rinpoche, and trying to relax, that after some hours I fell asleep.

After waking up at night, body had more pains, and energy level was very low, and I had difficulty breathing. I just tried to practice and relax, and practice and relax, but the breath kept becoming shorter. I knew that this is now because of sickness and it's because of anxiety, but when practice didn't change it, I started thinking that maybe it's not just anxiety and lungs have problem too. So time for big guns. I took half a pill of 0.5 mg Alprazolam, and opened a guided meditation by Thick Nhat Hanh, which I love that talk by him, and practiced with it twice, then I opened Namo Avalokiteshvara chant, played by Plum Village team and Thich Nhat Hanh sitting in the center of it, which I love that too, and finally I started relaxing, and breath became almost normal.

This anxiety and difficulty breathing was the initial reason that made me look for meditation and start meditation practice. For about 3 years I had anxiety almost everyday. I was a pretty calm and relaxed person for most of my life before that. By then in a period of 1-2 years, several big things happened, very bad ones, which one of them included an overdose and a panick attack as a result, that I couldn't breath, and I thought I am dying litterally, but I ended up in hospital for two days (Actually I dodn't remember many of the dates related to that thing accurately, since I was out of my mind), and it took my body several months after that to come back to normal situation. One years passed, which was very good and stable in a lot of ways, and I guess that stability provided the space for this negative emotions to come up. So one night I noticed tension in the abdomen, and difficulty with breathing, and it was a good start, that after that, for around 3 years I was struggling with it in a daily basis. I tried some medicine, which were not helpful in the long run, but in the time of panick, I had to take them, and eventually I started taking them everyday. The anxiety was only increasing, to the point that one day I became really sick, just sweating and my whole body was tense, and I wasn't able to walk. It took me about an hour to be able to get up and walk. So I started looking for other options, and found Shinzen. It took a year or so that I started to have breaks in the anxiety, and be relatively peaceful at some days. It got better and better after that, and in this past year, I had very few intense episodes. Now I had two intense ones in this past 10 days. Much more work needs to be done it seems.

Last hours in practice, there were energetic sensations in the base of spine. Instead of painful sensations that I had in that area for several months now, this time they were subtly pleasant and tingly.

Oh, I forgot the main thing that I wanted to write: It seems that this difficulty with breathing when having anxiety, is related to the other sensations that arise in upper body. Specially some contraction arise in the throat, as if there is a knot there, or like when you are about to cry, and that feeling in the throat before crying, and also there is tension in the abdomen that it feels like it's filled with rocks. These sensations seem to give the impression that there is a shortage of breath so I have to take deep breaths. But sometimes I intentionally don't take deep breaths, and wait to see if there will be a problem or not, and often there is no problem, unless the situation is really bad. So I started today paying attention to the throat, and it immidietly caused some energetic sensation in the back and chest to arise. I think if this knot in the throat opens, it can have big results, I hope positive ones.
Enough for now...

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 5:14 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Thursday, April 23, 2020, 10:20 AM

Yesterday morning I went to bank for my card, but it didn't go well since my ID card also has expired. I need more work to do with that. All my life seems to be expired. It's good that out bodies don't expire!

This, and a few negative things that happened, caused an intense anxiety to arise. I wanted to start to work after I came home, but there was so much negativity emotionally, and also aches and pains in the body, and difficulty with breathing. Breath cycles were becoming shorter and I needed to take deep breaths frequently. So I lied down, and opened a talk by Jack Kornfield, to to try to relax. It was helpful but not so much. So I added another track by him, and for 2-3 hours I was just listening to him and Tsoknyi Rinpoche, and trying to relax, that after some hours I fell asleep.

After waking up at night, body had more pains, and energy level was very low, and I had difficulty breathing. I just tried to practice and relax, and practice and relax, but the breath kept becoming shorter. I knew that this is now because of sickness and it's because of anxiety, but when practice didn't change it, I started thinking that maybe it's not just anxiety and lungs have problem too. So time for big guns. I took half a pill of 0.5 mg Alprazolam, and opened a guided meditation by Thick Nhat Hanh, which I love that talk by him, and practiced with it twice, then I opened Namo Avalokiteshvara chant, played by Plum Village team and Thich Nhat Hanh sitting in the center of it, which I love that too, and finally I started relaxing, and breath became almost normal.

This anxiety and difficulty breathing was the initial reason that made me look for meditation and start meditation practice. For about 3 years I had anxiety almost everyday. I was a pretty calm and relaxed person for most of my life before that. By then in a period of 1-2 years, several big things happened, very bad ones, which one of them included an overdose and a panick attack as a result, that I couldn't breath, and I thought I am dying litterally, but I ended up in hospital for two days (Actually I dodn't remember many of the dates related to that thing accurately, since I was out of my mind), and it took my body several months after that to come back to normal situation. One years passed, which was very good and stable in a lot of ways, and I guess that stability provided the space for this negative emotions to come up. So one night I noticed tension in the abdomen, and difficulty with breathing, and it was a good start, that after that, for around 3 years I was struggling with it in a daily basis. I tried some medicine, which were not helpful in the long run, but in the time of panick, I had to take them, and eventually I started taking them everyday. The anxiety was only increasing, to the point that one day I became really sick, just sweating and my whole body was tense, and I wasn't able to walk. It took me about an hour to be able to get up and walk. So I started looking for other options, and found Shinzen. It took a year or so that I started to have breaks in the anxiety, and be relatively peaceful at some days. It got better and better after that, and in this past year, I had very few intense episodes. Now I had two intense ones in this past 10 days. Much more work needs to be done it seems.

Last hours in practice, there were energetic sensations in the base of spine. Instead of painful sensations that I had in that area for several months now, this time they were subtly pleasant and tingly.

Oh, I forgot the main thing that I wanted to write: It seems that this difficulty with breathing when having anxiety, is related to the other sensations that arise in upper body. Specially some contraction arise in the throat, as if there is a knot there, or like when you are about to cry, and that feeling in the throat before crying, and also there is tension in the abdomen that it feels like it's filled with rocks. These sensations seem to give the impression that there is a shortage of breath so I have to take deep breaths. But sometimes I intentionally don't take deep breaths, and wait to see if there will be a problem or not, and often there is no problem, unless the situation is really bad. So I started today paying attention to the throat, and it immidietly caused some energetic sensation in the back and chest to arise. I think if this knot in the throat opens, it can have big results, I hope positive ones.
Enough for now...

This is fantastic, Siavash! I'm cracking up too! Dukha loves company!

We will survive. Practice on, bro.

emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 5:24 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim :-)
Yes we will survive for sure. Wish to see you and all of us happy always.

Dukha loves company

We say in Turkic languages: The one who goes to hell, looks for a company to go together!
Metta.


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 5:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
It was my mother's expression for me, which she always said HER mother would tell her, when as i kid i got theatrically miserable: "Misery loves company."

God bless both those woman.

We say in Turkic languages: The one who goes to hell, looks for a company to go together!


Metta.


 i'm delighted that there is Turkish correlation for this deep dharma truth. It may actually underlie all this bodhisattva stuff!
emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 5:55 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
It was my mother's expression for me, which she always said HER mother would tell her, when as i kid i got theatrically miserable: "Misery loves company."

God bless both those woman.

We say in Turkic languages: The one who goes to hell, looks for a company to go together!


Metta.


 i'm delighted that there is Turkish correlation for this deep dharma truth. It may actually underlie all this bodhisattva stuff!
emoticon


emoticon emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 6:03 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash, be well!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 6:14 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Siavash, be well!

Thank you Chris :-)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/23/20 10:39 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, April 24, 2020, 7:29 AM

Just writing this to have it recorded since I forget it so easily.

Everytime that there is this kind of struggle and suffering for some time, at first there is a period of trying to fix it, and as long as there is that attitude, there will be suffering, and even more. Then it gets to a point that you (I) lose the hope of being any fix. There is no way out. Complete hopelessness of being any fix. And there is a freedom in that hopelessness, that you don't need to do anything anymore. And when you stop trying to fix it, it starts to change. Just being instead of doing. And that's fucking hard before getting to that point.

-- Edit:
And always there is this question that, are these emotions related to the nanas? I mean specifically to the dark nanas, oh sorry I mean dukkha nanas. But always when this question comes to my mind, immediately this other question comes too, that says, how do you know that you have crossed A&P or not? And I have no answer to any of them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 1:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, April 24, 2020, 11:07 AM

I did a longer sit, two plus hours I think, and I started by focusing on this sensations in my throat, that feels like I am suffocating, which I think is one of the main causes for this difficulty with breathing. After about 20-30 minutes, I noticed that I have become concentrated, and unlike always that there is a part of mind that is aware of other things beside the meditation object, and also comments on everything and also on meditation object, but now there was less of that, and these sensations of breathing in the throat was most of what I was aware of. So I tried for first jhana with Leigh Brasington's instruction. And started focusing on my butt and perineum. Some pleasant sensations started to arise, but not much, and as I sat, the pain in the but started to increase, but I kept focusing. After about an hour or more I guess, bursts of laughter arose, with some sense of joy or happiness, not intense though, similar to when I was practicing with Leigh's instruction near two years ago, that these bursts of laughter would arise. I continued and it continued like that for some time. There was also lots of vibrations in the head, and bursts/explosions of bright lights, but they are there most of the time when practicing. Also for the last hour of sit, I started to feel and remember pleasant tastes and smell, that started by feeling a nice perfume, then some pleasant smell related to childhood experiences in my grandparents village, and taste of some fruits and etc. Again these were happening at that period that I was doing similar practices.

Although each time after having some laughter or pleasant something, I get feelings/thoughts that "this is wrong", but I think I need to do more of this, and I think I have necessary level of concentration to have good/deep-enough jhanas, if I continue to do it.


After that...
I read a funny comment on here in another thread, and laughed, then immediately I noticed a feeling/mind-state of guilt for laughing, as if I should not laugh, that's not a right thing to do, then this thought came to mind that, hey, there is a real problem here, but then I noticed, again, this voice that is telling "there is a real problem here", this is still the same part of me that tries to keep me not laugh, and pretend that always there is a problem, or there should be a problem, so I should not laugh and be happy. So, fuck you all my parts :-D .

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 2:09 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, April 24, 2020, 7:29 AM

Just writing this to have it recorded since I forget it so easily.

Everytime that there is this kind of struggle and suffering for some time, at first there is a period of trying to fix it, and as long as there is that attitude, there will be suffering, and even more. Then it gets to a point that you (I) lose the hope of being any fix. There is no way out. Complete hopelessness of being any fix. And there is a freedom in that hopelessness, that you don't need to do anything anymore. And when you stop trying to fix it, it starts to change. Just being instead of doing. And that's fucking hard before getting to that point.

-- Edit:
And always there is this question that, are these emotions related to the nanas? I mean specifically to the dark nanas, oh sorry I mean dukkha nanas. But always when this question comes to my mind, immediately this other question comes too, that says, how do you know that you have crossed A&P or not? And I have no answer to any of them.

Siavash, my friend, i am cheating a bit on this response and sending you a piece from my journal a few years back, as i was going into depression after my last big mania:


far from being a panacea, meditation is more like a pan-toxic: an intensifying of every existing morbid condition into ever-sharper desperation and finally fatality; it is, as Kierkegaard said of angst, a sickness unto death. Meditation is existential anxiety in its most concentrated and purest form: void meets girl, void loses girl, void gets girl back. We don’t sit down to meditate because we are happy; the Buddha did not set out on his path because he was happy. He set out because he woke up, after a pampered royal childhood, to the reality of sickness, aging, and death. Meditation is grief work: it is the slowly dawning realization, not only of how bad things are, but that they are only going to get worse; not only that the worst may happen, but that it is in fact most certainly going to happen, and relatively soon. Those we love are going to suffer, and vanish before our eyes, unless we suffer and vanish first. To sit to meditate is to begin the journey out of denial of that suffering and vanishing, toward the utter mystery of acceptance within the abyss of all-encompassing loss.
 

        That will be $250, please.


p.s. i see that you are already active this morning while i was getting this reply together! emoticon So i am off to sit, and after that will probably flood this poor thread of yours with another round of Advice from the Clinically Insane, lol. Ask Chris Marti if you want to know how to block posts from me as a nuisance. It won't be the first time, my friend, and i could never take offense at a fellow crack-up guy doing what he feels he has to just to survive.

metta, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 2:36 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hey Tim :-)
Siavash, my friend, i am cheating a bit on this response and sending you a piece from my journal a few years back, as i was going into depression after my last big mania:
Thanks.

far from being a panacea, meditation is more like a pan-toxic: an intensifying of every existing morbid condition into ever-sharper desperation and finally fatality; it is, as Kierkegaard said of angst, a sickness unto death. Meditation is existential anxiety in its most concentrated and purest form: void meets girl, void loses girl, void gets girl back. We don’t sit down to meditate because we are happy; the Buddha did not set out on his path because he was happy. He set out because he woke up, after a pampered royal childhood, to the reality of sickness, aging, and death. Meditation is grief work: it is the slowly dawning realization, not only of how bad things are, but that they are only going to get worse; not only that the worst may happen, but that it is in fact most certainly going to happen, and relatively soon. Those we love are going to suffer, and vanish before our eyes, unless we suffer and vanish first. To sit to meditate is to begin the journey out of denial of that suffering and vanishing, toward the utter mystery of acceptance within the abyss of all-encompassing loss.
Yes, of course. To deny the suffering, is worse than the suffering.

That will be $250, please.
Sorry, I can't do that. You need to first ask them to remove the sanction! ;-)

p.s. i see that you are already active this morning while i was getting this reply together! emoticon So i am off to sit, and after that will probably flood this poor thread of yours with another round of Advice from the Clinically Insane, lol. Ask Chris Marti if you want to know how to block posts from me as a nuisance. It won't be the first time, my friend, and i could never take offense at a fellow crack-up guy doing what he feels he has to just to survive.

metta, tim


Thanks for the advice (reminder), you are welcome to write on this wall how much you like :-) .

(Just a note, since I am lazy (sorry! :-D), and have low energy these days, I might be slow in reading and responding to longer comments, sorry for that too!)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 2:42 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
p.s. i see that you are already active this morning while i was getting this reply together! emoticon So i am off to sit, and after that will probably flood this poor thread of yours with another round of Advice from the Clinically Insane, lol. Ask Chris Marti if you want to know how to block posts from me as a nuisance. It won't be the first time, my friend, and i could never take offense at a fellow crack-up guy doing what he feels he has to just to survive.

metta, tim


Thanks for the advice (reminder), you are welcome to write on this wall how much you like :-) .


You will regret that permission, my friend. emoticon But thank you.

(Just a note, since I am lazy (sorry! :-D), and have low energy these days, I might be slow in reading and responding to longer comments, sorry for that too!)


I will try to keep my shit short.

T: That will be $250, please.

S: Sorry, I can't do that. You need to first ask them to remove the sanction! ;-) 


[obscene, profane, remarkably detailed howl of frustration deleted, per DhO forum rules.]


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 2:46 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
[obscene, profane, remarkably detailed howl of frustration deleted, per DhO forum rules.]

Yes. Dukkha.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/24/20 3:33 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, April 25, 2020, 12:51 AM

I think it might be good that for sometimes, I use the strategy that Shinzen calls "Escape into discomfort". Although I don't mean it exactly the same way Shinzen defines it, but the phrase is catchy. I notice it many times, that the comfort zone that I've defined for myself, is very very small and narrow, and anything that happens that is outside of that zone, gives me huge discomfort for a good long period.

An hour ago I saw water drops are leaking from the bathroom' ceiling. I told the neighbour in the upper floor, and they said they'll fix it. They didn't say when, and I didn't ask them, since if it was me, I would do it tomorrow, but I guess they won't do it tomorrow. But it's not my problem, it's their problem and they should fix it, and I have another bathroom that I can use that one for as long as I want. But this gives me huge discomfort as if I am hanging from my finger.

There are many many examples like that, much smaller things than that, that give similar kind of discomfort, because I always try to be away, far away from anything that is not in that comfort zone, and obviously this has a big impact in all aspects of my life, including meditation. So maybe it would be a good idea to go towards those things that are not in that zone, or maybe not. I don't know what would be the result. But I may try it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/25/20 11:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, April 25, 2020, 12:51 AM

I think it might be good that for sometimes, I use the strategy that Shinzen calls "Escape into discomfort". Although I don't mean it exactly the same way Shinzen defines it, but the phrase is catchy. I notice it many times, that the comfort zone that I've defined for myself, is very very small and narrow, and anything that happens that is outside of that zone, gives me huge discomfort for a good long period.

It's all relative, I think, with comfort zones. It doesn't matter how big or small yours is, what matters is finding a way to work at the place where the tension can be felt, but is neither painful, nor escape into slackness. Like hatha yoga: turn the breath to the fine balance that is your own real working limit, and let the breath flex you there. Gradually, your range expands. It's the only way to do it without hurting yourself.

What is your practice right now?

I always try to be away, far away from anything that is not in that comfort zone, and obviously this has a big impact in all aspects of my life, including meditation. So maybe it would be a good idea to go towards those things that are not in that zone, or maybe not. I don't know what would be the result. But I may try it.


Again, i think the heart of the whole comfort zone issue is not to violate it egregiously, but to, as they say in American idiom, "push the envelope." And you can push it gently, most of the time. Sometimes the envelope seems to push YOU, and those are learning crises, but the general method is gentle and steady and relentless practice for an eon or so, and then for another eon. An eon here, another eon there, pretty soon you find that you've put in some real time, and that your comfort zones includes the Andromeda Galaxy and points west.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/25/20 11:59 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Yes, I agree totally. It should be gentle, otherwise it wouldn't work. At least for me it should be gentle. I've tried it in the past, and when it's not gentle, the result is not good at all. It seems that the hard part of it for me, is the steady part. Doing it consistently. After I start some small change, I either forget it after sometime, or get tired or bored of it. There have been cases where I was consistent with it, and they have led to good results, but often that's not what happens.

What is your practice right now?


For this past 1-2 months, in meditation, I've been mostly using the breath and body sensations as the object. Before that for some months I was using mostly visuals and Fire Kasina, thoughts and body/breath sensations.

Last several days I've decided to deepen my concentration and stability of attention, so currently I am doing that mostly with body/breath sensations and sometimes with the murk (The colors in front of the closed eyelids and etc). Probably in this week I try to have some jhanas if I can. With the jhanas, I get concentrated, and I have lots of energetic sensations/pitti, but joy/happiness doesn't arise, and it seems that is the thing that I need to work on, to get to jhanas.

Often 1-2 hours of sitting practice, or more. And the same practices while in bed before falling asleep.

Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/25/20 12:48 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Yes, I agree totally. It should be gentle, otherwise it wouldn't work. At least for me it should be gentle. I've tried it in the past, and when it's not gentle, the result is not good at all. It seems that the hard part of it for me, is the steady part. Doing it consistently. After I start some small change, I either forget it after sometime, or get tired or bored of it. There have been cases where I was consistent with it, and they have led to good results, but often that's not what happens.

What is your practice right now?


For this past 1-2 months, in meditation, I've been mostly using the breath and body sensations as the object. Before that for some months I was using mostly visuals and Fire Kasina, thoughts and body/breath sensations.

Last several days I've decided to deepen my concentration and stability of attention, so currently I am doing that mostly with body/breath sensations and sometimes with the murk (The colors in front of the closed eyelids and etc). Probably in this week I try to have some jhanas if I can. With the jhanas, I get concentrated, and I have lots of energetic sensations/pitti, but joy/happiness doesn't arise, and it seems that is the thing that I need to work on, to get to jhanas.

Often 1-2 hours of sitting practice, or more. And the same practices while in bed before falling asleep.

Thanks.

I think you're good, then. There are people with an eye on you here who will be able to suggest specific techniques, approaches, attitudes, ideas, reading at the right moment, but you are doing the fundamental work. If you can at all anchor your practice to a good ritualized time each day, I have found that helps me. Then it's an appointment you keep with your commitment, and even a kind of habit, and when the dark times come, you can run on sheer going-through-the-motion ritualized practice as a result of that established rhythm better than leaving it to inspiration or something, because inspiration will dry way up at times, and those are the times that often need the most gentle persistence in practice.

And the rest, you're doing it--- read for inspiration, hang out with saints, laugh when there's room to laugh, and if there's not room to laugh, slow down even more until it opens up. Chris likes the cut of your job, my friend! Your jib is cut just right.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/25/20 2:18 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
There are people with an eye on you here who will be able to suggest specific techniques, approaches, attitudes, ideas, reading at the right moment,
I just don't know how to thank these people. Bow, bow, bow. Gratitude from my heart.


If you can at all anchor your practice to a good ritualized time each day, I have found that helps me.
Yes. I try to do that. By having a formal practice time before sleep each day (For near 3 year now), and also while in bed. Other times I try to practice as much as I can, if it doesn't feel forceful.


Then it's an appointment you keep with your commitment, and even a kind of habit, and when the dark times come, you can run on sheer going-through-the-motion ritualized practice as a result of that established rhythm better than leaving it to inspiration or something, because inspiration will dry way up at times, and those are the times that often need the most gentle persistence in practice.
Yes, that's what I notice too. In dark times, it's so easy to forget basic things, but having good habits helps most.


And the rest, you're doing it--- read for inspiration, hang out with saints, laugh when there's room to laugh, and if there's not room to laugh, slow down even more until it opens up. 
I try. And I appreciate reminding these. A lot of times having these reminders are the most important thing I (we) need.


Chris likes the cut of your job, my friend! Your jib is cut just right.
I love you and Chris, honestly. And I appreciate you both for who you are.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/26/20 10:05 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, April 27, 2020, 7:00 AM

It' been a few days that sometimes I feel deep gratitude. No specific cause or reason, and not directed towards anyone. There is just gratitude. Then I see that my mind looks to find someone to direct this gratitude towards them, and think about why I feel this gratitude about them. But that is secondary, and the gratitude itself just is with no reason. I even sent a message to someone and thanked them, as part of this, and I wanted to send another message to someone else and thank them too, but then I thought it might bother them, so I didn't.

Yesterday I continued with trying to practice and relax more, to have less difficulty with breathing.

This night I woke up at 10:00 PM, and there was aches and pains in the body, and low energy. Now it feels better. And this difficulty with breathing was more intense since I woke up, so I practiced for a few hours and it got much better. Then I sat again for another round of practice, and focused on my throat which has this feeling of suffocation, but as I practiced more, breathing became more difficult. It was feeilng like my abdomen and sides are filled with bricks and rocks instead of organs. So I downloaded the video of Namo Avalokiteshvara chant by Thich Nhat Hanh and his students, and played it in repeating mode, and put headsets and lied down and tried to relax and practice in bed. It was not helping, so I focused on the visual space and the sound as if sound is filling the whole space. Then I imagined that I am dying, and transitioning to another world, and this music in my ears are the angels and saints from that world, that are playing and singing it for me, and are welcoming me by that. That gave some joy and relaxation for some seconds. But there wasn't much diffirence and I was struggling with breathing, and this thought was becoming louder and louder in my mind that, probably this sickness is covid, and you are not breathing well because your lungs are failing, and you should call the emergency number for covid and go to hospital maybe. So I got up, and started preparing some food and tea. While doing that, still listening to the chant, I imagined that they are singing and playing to heal me, and they are pouring healing energy on my being by this chant, and I should open up and receive their healing energy, and Thich Nhat Hanh, being who he is, I guess he can have such healing energy. This last move made some diffirecne, and breathing became easier. Then I did some walking, and maintaining a lighter focus on lower body while walking. After about 20-30 minutes of walking and preparing food and tea, I started feeling better, and for this last few hours after that, it's still like that, it's not normal, but it's much easier to breath.

Yesterday and today there were lots of energetic sensations while practicing. Lots of pinzi (tingly pins and needles, search it on this page for its definition), bright lights and intense buzzy vibrations in head, and energetic sensations in lower back, hips, base of spine, and itchy and painful ones in the upper back.

And yesterday for a few times these bright/shiny purple/violet colors appeared with eyes open (and closed), that I think is related to a state/stage change, but I don't know more. Often when they appear, there is sleepiness. My guess would be that it's Dissolution, or Equanimity. But how could I know.

I'll continue to practice for some hours, if nothing bad happens.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/27/20 1:18 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, April 27, 2020, 7:00 AM

It' been a few days that sometimes I feel deep gratitude. No specific cause or reason, and not directed towards anyone. There is just gratitude. 



Ah! Well, then, you're done. emoticon

Yesterday I continued with trying to practice and relax more, to have less difficulty with breathing. . . . This night I woke up at 10:00 PM, and there was aches and pains in the body, and low energy. Now it feels better. And this difficulty with breathing was more intense since I woke up, so I practiced for a few hours and it got much better. Then I sat again for another round of practice, and focused on my throat which has this feeling of suffocation, but as I practiced more, breathing became more difficult. It was feeilng like my abdomen and sides are filled with bricks and rocks instead of organs. So I downloaded the video of Namo Avalokiteshvara chant by Thich Nhat Hanh and his students, and played it in repeating mode, and put headsets and lied down and tried to relax and practice in bed.

I LOVE chants, oh my, yes.

It was not helping, so I focused on the visual space and the sound as if sound is filling the whole space. Then I imagined that I am dying, and transitioning to another world, and this music in my ears are the angels and saints from that world, that are playing and singing it

for me

, and are welcoming me by that. That gave some joy and relaxation for some seconds.


lol, yeah, that's the bitch of joy and relaxation and the fucking angels singing. But those seconds are a sweet taste. Like the zen story of the guy being chased by a tiger. He goes straight off a cliff, falls about 10 feel, and manages to grab a protruding branch. He looks up, there's the tiger, licking its chops. He looks down, and it's a thousand foot fall into rocks.

And then, just beside him, he sees a vine, gnarled among the rocks and shrubs of the cliffside. And on that vine is one big fat ripe red gorgeous strawberry. Guy looks up again, down again, smiles, and reaches out to take the strawberry and pop it into his mouth. It is the sweetest thing he has ever tasted.

But there wasn't much diffirence and I was struggling with breathing, and this thought was becoming louder and louder in my mind that, probably this sickness is covid, and you are not breathing well because your lungs are failing, and you should call the emergency number for covid and go to hospital maybe. So I got up, and started preparing some food and tea. While doing that, still listening to the chant, I imagined that they are singing and playing to heal me, and they are pouring healing energy on my being by this chant, and I should open up and receive their healing energy, and Thich Nhat Hanh, being who he is, I guess he can have such healing energy. This last move made some diffirecne, and breathing became easier. Then I did some walking, and maintaining a lighter focus on lower body while walking. After about 20-30 minutes of walking and preparing food and tea, I started feeling better, and for this last few hours after that, it's still like that, it's not normal, but it's much easier to breath.

Yesterday and today there were lots of energetic sensations while practicing. Lots of pinzi (tingly pins and needles, search it on this page for its definition), bright lights and intense buzzy vibrations in head, and energetic sensations in lower back, hips, base of spine, and itchy and painful ones in the upper back.

And yesterday for a few times these bright/shiny purple/violet colors appeared with eyes open (and closed), that I think is related to a state/stage change, but I don't know more. Often when they appear, there is sleepiness. My guess would be that it's Dissolution, or Equanimity. But how could I know.


In a way, you don't need to distinguish between Dissolution and Equanimity, if you are equanimitous about dissolving, and know that equanimity dissolves.

I'll continue to practice for some hours, if nothing bad happens.


good. should be a short session!! emoticon

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/27/20 2:54 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

I LOVE chants, oh my, yes.
Yeah, me too.

lol, yeah, that's the bitch of joy and relaxation and the fucking angels singing. But those seconds are a sweet taste. Like the zen story of the guy being chased by a tiger. He goes straight off a cliff, falls about 10 feel, and manages to grab a protruding branch. He looks up, there's the tiger, licking its chops. He looks down, and it's a thousand foot fall into rocks.

And then, just beside him, he sees a vine, gnarled among the rocks and shrubs of the cliffside. And on that vine is one big fat ripe red gorgeous strawberry. Guy looks up again, down again, smiles, and reaches out to take the strawberry and pop it into his mouth. It is the sweetest thing he has ever tasted.
What a great story. I've had similar events but in a much much much smaller scale than this. I guess such seconds are the things that keep me (us?) alive.


In a way, you don't need to distinguish between Dissolution and Equanimity, if you are equanimitous about dissolving, and know that equanimity dissolves.
Great point. Thanks. I need to remember this often, and apply it to my life/practice.

good. should be a short session!! emoticon
Breathing has not become terrible yet, so the session was normal ;)

Gratitude :-)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/28/20 6:56 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020, 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM (?)
(Unedited)

Was focused on flickering and movements of colors and statics in the visual space with eyes closed. Flickerings were becoming faster and faster and I was trying to capture all of it, and it was creating lots of brights lights and intense intense vibrations in the head, that was almost like shaking, and at some point a load of pleasant sensations arose at the genitals, and stayed and increased for some minutes. It was interesting.

Next sit, sitting in a relaxed posture, focusing on the cycle of breathing, and the subtle pleasantness of it in the torso, and arms and hands mostly. It’s interesting that I forget to use this as object, and after I read on Tim’s log about pleasantness of breathing and then read Linda’s comment on it, I decided to focus on this object. There was some relaxation and some tension, that was not changing dramatically. An interesting thing that happened towards the end of the sit, was that I smiled, and immediately it caused same pleasant sensations in genitals to arose and stay for half a minute.

This activation of energy at the base of spine causes wild and strange energy currents in body, in chest, feet, ears and etc, and also lots of vibratory and tingly sensations at different locations.     

Next sit, breath that was not a big problem so far, became worse and worse. Worry came, and I already have pain in the chest and sides and back, and today have started to have more itching in the throat and around, and some dry coughs here and there. Practice wasn’t helping, so help from the outside was needed. Unlike last 4 days that I had used half a pill Alprazolam, today I hadn’t used it, but now I had to. But that wasn’t enough, so I opened this recent interview of Michael Taft with Ken McLeod, and then started doing walking practice with a lighter focus for about half an hour, and after that it got better to some extent, and I sat again and continued doing some practice, but I don’t know when I had fallen asleep. A result of this Alprazolam, you just fall asleep! I had a very sweat dream with someone who I like (I don't like this wor "like", I don't like you too "love", fuck you both, I'll replace you both with a better word, be patient), but it was short. I used to be able to do some manipulation with my dreams when I was a kid, I should try that again. I am not satisfied with certain things. We need to fuck equanimity sometimes and replace it with fire. “Fire Walk With Me

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/28/20 8:24 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, April 28, 2020, 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM (?)
(Unedited)

Was focused on flickering and movements of colors and statics in the visual space with eyes closed. Flickerings were becoming faster and faster and I was trying to capture all of it, and it was creating lots of brights lights and intense intense vibrations in the head, that was almost like shaking, and at some point a load of pleasant sensations arose at the genitals, and stayed and increased for some minutes. It was interesting.

Next sit, sitting in a relaxed posture, focusing on the cycle of breathing, and the subtle pleasantness of it in the torso, and arms and hands mostly. It’s interesting that I forget to use this as object, and after I read on Tim’s log about pleasantness of breathing and then read Linda’s comment on it, I decided to focus on this object. There was some relaxation and some tension, that was not changing dramatically. An interesting thing that happened towards the end of the sit, was that I smiled, and immediately it caused same pleasant sensations in genitals to arose and stay for half a minute.

This activation of energy at the base of spine causes wild and strange energy currents in body, in chest, feet, ears and etc, and also lots of vibratory and tingly sensations at different locations.     

Next sit, breath that was not a big problem so far, became worse and worse. Worry came, and I already have pain in the chest and sides and back, and today have started to have more itching in the throat and around, and some dry coughs here and there. Practice wasn’t helping, so help from the outside was needed. Unlike last 4 days that I had used half a pill Alprazolam, today I hadn’t used it, but now I had to. But that wasn’t enough, so I opened this recent interview of Michael Taft with Ken McLeod, and then started doing walking practice with a lighter focus for about half an hour, and after that it got better to some extent, and I sat again and continued doing some practice, but I don’t know when I had fallen asleep. A result of this Alprazolam, you just fall asleep! 

yes, perfect combination of wise use of drugs, wise easing off of practice intensity at certain times, and falling asleep. The zen saying has it, Sleep when tired, eat when hungry, bathe when the people around you start keeping their distance


I had a very sweat dream with someone who I like (I don't like this wor "like", I don't like you too "love", fuck you both, I'll replace you both with a better word, be patient), but it was short. I used to be able to do some manipulation with my dreams when I was a kid, I should try that again. I am not satisfied with certain things. We need to fuck equanimity sometimes and replace it with fire. “

Fire Walk With Me

Fire Walk With Me: my new favorite T-shirt.


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/28/20 3:05 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Fire Walk With Me

my new favorite T-shirt.
From Twin Peaks movie actually. But yeah.

Thanks for positive energy man.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/29/20 8:13 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020, 11:16 AM

This night I woke up around 23:00-23:30, and body was really feeling sick, with pains and low energy and discomfort in chest and back and right ride of the rib cage and throat, with low energy. Breathing was difficult but not so much. Similar to yesterday I did some practice, and again similar to yesterday, just practicing and concentrating was causing pleasant, orgasm like sensation, but that almost went away after a few hours. Then again breath started to become much more difficult. Although I keep reminding myself that this whole thing with breathing is related to emotions and etc, and I guess that is not entirely true, and part of it is related to the sickness and problem with lungs, as I come more and more to this conclusion that this sickness is covid. I don’t know if I could get a test or not, or I can only have a CT scan if I go for it, but even if I could get a test, I don’t trust these tests. None of them are good enough, and going to places like hospitals causes great discomfort for me always, and not it should be worse.

So I took that half a pill Alprazolam, and continued practice, by focusing on the body, breath, and color statics in the visual field. Now breathing is much better. Will see how it goes.

Still there is some residue of sweetness in mind because of that dream yesterday, but that damn woman is, ok, enough. This is a thing, that I get attracted to the kinds that have a problem in their personality, and I can see that problem clearly the first time that I meet someone, but still it happens.

These buzzy vibrations in the head cause my eyes to tightly close and water, and then have pain, and burning/stinging feeling, specially in my right eye which has problem, and it makes it hard to keep my eyes open sometimes. Part of is related to this sickness too, that causes burning in the eyes, similar to when I have fever, but I haven’t had fever with this sickness.

5:24 PM

Breathing was much better for the last hours. And body was feeling better also, with less pain and burning in the breathing pathways.
Been practicing for last few hours, but I had fallen asleep. IT shows the temperature 22 C, but I feel cold, could be related to state/stage, I notice it sometimes. Also this breathing could be related to states/stages too to some extent, since I have had similar symptom in these recent years periodically (Not this intense of course). Eyes feel very painful, going to sleep now.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/29/20 8:24 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, April 29, 2020, 11:16 AM

This night I woke up around 23:00-23:30, and body was really feeling sick, with pains and low energy and discomfort in chest and back and right ride of the rib cage and throat, with low energy. 
Yeah, sorry about that, my bad, you've been too in tune with me lately.

Breathing was difficult but not so much. Similar to yesterday I did some practice, and again similar to yesterday, just practicing and concentrating was causing pleasant, orgasm like sensation, but that almost went away after a few hours. Then again breath started to become much more difficult. Although I keep reminding myself that this whole thing with breathing is related to emotions and etc, and I guess that is not entirely true, and part of it is related to the sickness and problem with lungs, as I come more and more to this conclusion that this sickness is covid. I don’t know if I could get a test or not, or I can only have a CT scan if I go for it, but even if I could get a test, I don’t trust these tests. None of them are good enough, and going to places like hospitals causes great discomfort for me always, and not it should be worse.

So I took that half a pill Alprazolam, and continued practice, by focusing on the body, breath, and color statics in the visual field. Now breathing is much better. Will see how it goes.

More and better drugs, excellent Dharma practice. Drug upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.


Still there is some residue of sweetness in mind because of that dream yesterday, but that damn woman is, ok, enough. This is a thing, that I get attracted to the kinds that have a problem in their personality, and I can see that problem clearly the first time that I meet someone, but still it happens.

irresistible woman upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.


These buzzy vibrations in the head cause my eyes to tightly close and water, and then have pain, and burning/stinging feeling, specially in my right eye which has problem, and it makes it hard to keep my eyes open sometimes. Part of is related to this sickness too, that causes burning in the eyes, similar to when I have fever, but I haven’t had fever with this sickness.

again, my bad. Close down your connection with me for not less than an eon.


5:24 PM

Breathing was much better for the last hours. And body was feeling better also, with less pain and burning in the breathing pathways.

Been practicing for last few hours, but I had fallen asleep. IT shows the temperature 22 C, but I feel cold, could be related to state/stage, I notice it sometimes. Also this breathing could be related to states/stages too to some extent, since I have had similar symptom in these recent years periodically (Not this intense of course). Eyes feel very painful, going to sleep now.



love, that fucking idiot (Tim version)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/29/20 8:40 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Yeah, sorry about that, my bad, you've been too in tune with me lately.
Don't be so sure about the direction man. I've lived a whole life with pain. Sorry about that too (pain transmission!)


irresistible woman upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.
Irresistble! and Irresponsible! I'd use both for them happily.


More and better drugs, excellent Dharma practice. Drug upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.
Yeah, drugs... . As Charlie said in Lost, "Drugs, right, drugs".


Be well Tim,
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/30/20 3:00 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Yeah, sorry about that, my bad, you've been too in tune with me lately.
Don't be so sure about the direction man. I've lived a whole life with pain. Sorry about that too (pain transmission!)


irresistible woman upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.
Irresistble! and Irresponsible! I'd use both for them happily.


More and better drugs, excellent Dharma practice. Drug upaya, is the technical term from the sutras.
Yeah, drugs... . As Charlie said in Lost, "Drugs, right, drugs".


Be well Tim,
Thanks.

dear Azerbaijani Bodhisattva,

sex, drugs, and dukha on a roll!? is this any way to fire walk through your precious practice log?! Think of the children, i beg you!

love, fucking idiot too, the one now perhaps fatally unsure about the direction of transmission

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/30/20 6:45 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
No sex unfortunately. God is alone, and I am alone. -- That damn irresponsible only needed to learn some technical shit for free, and probably have a kind teacher figure!

And no children fortunately. There are enough idiots in this world. No need for more of them ;)

Yeah, dukkha.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/30/20 4:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 1, 1:09 AM

Procrastination to writing.
Slept longer this last time. Woke up around 6-7 AM. A chat with the friend after waking up in the middle of it, he asked if I could hold my breath for 2-3 seconds after an inhale, I could hold it for 10-20 seconds, that probably had a positive effect.

Today after first few hours body feels better. Burning feeling and pain in breathing pathways and around right lung still there. Breathing was much better today, probably a result of the above chat. This is a result of doing it alone and not getting help from professionals. There are reasons for it, but not everyone may understand or accept.

No Alprazolam today. Wasn’t needed.

Been practicing since maybe 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM. I guess more than 10 hours of practice so far.

Lots of energetic sensations and activity around the base of spine, which was fine, but in this last sit it turned into pain (that’s fine too), and I had to end the sit, and change postures.

Many dreams this last sleep. Being with old friends, colleagues, at high school, university campus, family, ex-wife’s family, driving cars, hiking and being in nature, like the other days this weird one of floating in the space or on an ocean or maybe outside the earth or something, this damn irresistible probably, and feeling of wonder with most of the dreams. Today many of the thought that come to mind, I seem to remember some dream related to that, or at least it feels that way.

Watched some videos from Dipa Ma. I like the stillness in her face and eyes.

A few hours after starting practice, that had caused some bodily pleasure and subtle joy, a deep despair and sadness arose, and stayed for 4-5 hours I guess. Then body lost energy, and I started having nausea for about an hour. Thankfully they went away mostly.

There was strong urge to practice more, and pay more careful attention to the depth a sensations, to penetrate it to its core. Still there is a residue of that and I like to stay awake and practice, but I feel tired.

Would loved to have a wall of my own and throw some darts and cards to it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/30/20 4:37 PM as a reply to Siavash.
just wanted to see if your quick reply siddhi worked!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
4/30/20 4:39 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thanks emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 9:45 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 1, 11:04 PM

Last night I stayed awake, and practiced some of it, slept around 7-8 AM, and woke up around 4-5 PM. Body was terrible when I woke up, tried a few times to get up but couldn’t, and finally got up, but it got better after a few hours. Throat and trachea and below still very sensitive and painful, and occasional coughs. Breathing is relatively fine. No Alprazolam so far.

Again a lot of dreams. The guy that we (My brother and me) were working with him on carpet weaving, who had trained us, was a close relative, and a very very good guy. We were kind of friends, and had a lot of good times in that 10-12 years that we worked together. He died around 2 years ago I guess, because of cancer, was young, maybe 54-55, and since then I have dreams about him regularly, once a month maybe. Most times he is with his older look, that had mustache, and was fat, and often both of us or three of us are working on a carpet. Sometimes in the dream I know that he is dead, and I tell him that I see him regularly in my dreams, but he never talks. Today I had a dream about him again, but this time he had his recent look, and was with his whole family, and was talking. I really miss him, there aren’t enough of such people in this world.

Part of that dream, I found myself in a room, naked, and someone close to me which I am not sure who she was, was telling me that I should face the result of what have done now. I had done something wrong which I don’t know what it was, and as a result of that had lost all my cloths, and there was some party or wedding in my parents house, all relatives and neighbors were there, and I had to go there naked. And I was telling her that, “yeah I did it, whatever, I don’t care and I’ll go there”, but then I saw that my shirt and pants are there and it was a relief. Some gun fight in the other parts of the dream, which I survived, and other fearful dreams.

There is despair and sadness today, like when you have a good travel, and after that there are negative emotions sometimes. I should try to start working from tomorrow if I can (Here weekends are Thursday and Friday), and that could be a cause for this emotions.

Haven’t done any practice today yet, and that strong urge to practice that I had yesterday is mostly gone.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 3:12 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, May 2, 11:04 PM

There is despair and sadness today, like when you have a good travel, and after that there are negative emotions sometimes. I should try to start working from tomorrow if I can (Here weekends are Thursday and Friday), and that could be a cause for this emotions.

Haven’t done any practice today yet, and that strong urge to practice that I had yesterday is mostly gone.
Yeah, as night follows day . . . Hang tough, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 4:33 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
Friday, May 2, 11:04 PM

There is despair and sadness today, like when you have a good travel, and after that there are negative emotions sometimes. I should try to start working from tomorrow if I can (Here weekends are Thursday and Friday), and that could be a cause for this emotions.

Haven’t done any practice today yet, and that strong urge to practice that I had yesterday is mostly gone.
Yeah, as night follows day . . . Hang tough, my friend.


Thank you Tim for being here and giving positive energy. I needed that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 9:47 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, May 2, 7:14 AM

While and after writing previous log, these feelings of despair and sadness became more intense and pervasive, and sensations of became much more obvious in the face, and it caused low energy and less strength in the body and limbs, then a restlessness arose, that at some points became very intense, specially in my legs (I’ve had restlessness in my legs for years), the feeling was like you are stuck in a very cramped place, and want to move but can’t move (In these 1-2 years I had a few dreams of being in that situation, that I couldn’t move, and it was quite unpleasant). I started focusing on the sensations related to these emotions, and labeling them with sadness, despair while re-listening to one of Daniel’s recent interview (just as a positive entertainment, to spend time easier). Then I focused on the statics in the murk, and for sometime used both objects. After some hours now it feels better.

Today there was some changes in the murk. The colors in the center were stronger, and there were bright dots. For about 1-2 hours, it was like a smaller and simpler version of some of the photos that NASA has of galaxies; Shades of green and dark green and some dark blue in and around the center, and shades of purple around them, that becomes more gray as it moves toward periphery, and bright glowing white and yellow dots in the central area, similar to stars. But these dots and stronger colors fades away later.

Focusing on these visuals created some strong energy currents in the body, and this feeling that a big insect is moving on my neck. And it’s interesting that sometimes when concentration gots better, I start to feel smell of shit, but it doesn’t last more that some seconds or a minute.

I am coming to this conclusion that at least for a few weeks, I should not set any time about working, since it only creates negativity and doesn’t help at all. I should work whenever I can, and other times I should put it aside completely without any future planning. Fortunately we have released new versions of our projects and currently there aren’t any urgent tasks, and I can play with when should I work for 1-3 weeks. After that it will change I think.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 9:53 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, May 2, 7:14 AM

While and after writing previous log, these feelings of despair and sadness became more intense and pervasive, and sensations of became much more obvious in the face, and it caused low energy and less strength in the body and limbs, then a restlessness arose, that at some points became very intense, specially in my legs (I’ve had restlessness in my legs for years), the feeling was like you are stuck in a very cramped place, and want to move but can’t move (In these 1-2 years I had a few dreams of being in that situation, that I couldn’t move, and it was quite unpleasant). I started focusing on the sensations related to these emotions, and labeling them with sadness, despair while re-listening to one of Daniel’s recent interview (just as a positive entertainment, to spend time easier). Then I focused on the statics in the murk, and for sometime used both objects. After some hours now it feels better.

Today there was some changes in the murk. The colors in the center were stronger, and there were bright dots. For about 1-2 hours, it was like a smaller and simpler version of some of the photos that NASA has of galaxies; Shades of green and dark green and some dark blue in and around the center, and shades of purple around them, that becomes more gray as it moves toward periphery, and bright glowing white and yellow dots in the central area, similar to stars. But these dots and stronger colors fades away later.

Focusing on these visuals created some strong energy currents in the body, and this feeling that a big insect is moving on my neck. And it’s interesting that sometimes when concentration gots better, I start to feel smell of shit, but it doesn’t last more that some seconds or a minute.


Have you read any Kafka? And I'll bet anything that there is a great Pali term somewhere in the Canon for "smell of shit," as a meditative phenomenon.


I am coming to this conclusion that at least for a few weeks, I should not set any time about working, since it only creates negativity and doesn’t help at all. I should work whenever I can, and other times I should put it aside completely without any future planning. Fortunately we have released new versions of our projects and currently there aren’t any urgent tasks, and I can play with when should I work for 1-3 weeks. After that it will change I think.

You've been showing some real suppleness and adaptivity in your practice lately, even through some very adverse physical and practical conditions. I love it that you've got your eye on realistically easing the load as you can. Dukha is bad enough without overworking too.

Hang tough, my friend.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 10:06 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Have you read any Kafka?
Unfortunately not. I used to read books in the past, but in recent years often it feels hard to read. I'd like to read him if I can.


And I'll bet anything that there is a great Pali term somewhere in the Canon for "smell of shit," as a meditative phenomenon.
Yeah. There are other things similar to this that happens as a result of meditation. Often if I focus on something pleasant, I start feeling nice and pleasant smells, mostly related to my childhood. There was a period of 5-6 months or more, that I would feel smell of something burning and it would be intense. At that period I would feel taste of metal also, and get images of biting this kettle that I have here, or biting a knife or blade. This shit smell is somewhat new.


You've been showing some real suppleness and adaptivity in your practice lately, even through some very adverse physical and practical conditions. I love it that you've got your eye on realistically easing the load as you can. Dukha is bad enough without overworking too.

Hang tough, my friend.
Thank you so much. I try.
As Sawyer said to Kate in lost: "I am doing what I've always done, surviving".

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 10:42 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
You've been showing some real suppleness and adaptivity in your practice lately, even through some very adverse physical and practical conditions. I love it that you've got your eye on realistically easing the load as you can. Dukha is bad enough without overworking too.

Also I notice a tendency in myself to identify with suffering, and wanting it to stay, and wanting the situation to not become normal, because if it becomes normal, then I should be responsible, and suffering serves as a way to run away from being responsible and having justification for that. While listening to Daniel's interview, there was sadness, filled my whole face, and there were a few funny points during their talk, that caused smile and an openness in the face, but immediately after the smile, I noticed the inertia toward sadness, and part of me was trying to keep the sadness there as a way to protect itself, and the other part saying that, wasn't you that wanted to not have these negative emotions? I am guessing that it's an ongoing thing most of the times.

Also I notice a tendency in myself to identify with suffering, and wanting it to stay, and wanting the situation to not become normal, because if it becomes normal, then I should be responsible, and suffering serves as a way to run away from being responsible and having justification for that. While listening to Daniel's interview, there was sadness, filled my whole face, and there were a few funny points during their talk, that caused smile and an openness in the face, but immediately after the smile, I noticed the inertia toward sadness, and part of me was trying to keep the sadness there as a way to protect itself, and the other part saying that, wasn't you that wanted to not have these negative emotions? I am guessing that it's an ongoing thing most of the times.
And the voice that says this above observation, is still the part that always wants to say: "There is a problem, and things are not alright", and pretend that you should not be happy because there is a problem! Recursive loop!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/1/20 10:52 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
You've been showing some real suppleness and adaptivity in your practice lately, even through some very adverse physical and practical conditions. I love it that you've got your eye on realistically easing the load as you can. Dukha is bad enough without overworking too.

Also I notice a tendency in myself to identify with suffering, and wanting it to stay, and wanting the situation to not become normal, because if it becomes normal, then I should be responsible, and suffering serves as a way to run away from being responsible and having justification for that. While listening to Daniel's interview, there was sadness, filled my whole face, and there were a few funny points during their talk, that caused smile and an openness in the face, but immediately after the smile, I noticed the inertia toward sadness, and part of me was trying to keep the sadness there as a way to protect itself, and the other part saying that, wasn't you that wanted to not have these negative emotions? I am guessing that it's an ongoing thing most of the times.
 
I think one reason there is such an emphasis on practice and technique at DhO is that the gray areas of practice are so many, and so impossible to think through in a logical or speculative manner, or by imposing a pattern. You are practicing during a worldwide crisis, in some personal physical and psychological distress, may be dealing with a degree of depression, and who knows what range and depth of  griefs. No better time to add wondering about what point in the dark night stages you may be in too!

It's scary as shit, to do it, and to watch someone you care about do it. The only thread through the labyrinth that we have is faith and practice, practice, practice, and the faith refined by the fire that burns the crap off and the practice refined by experience, in all the nuances of pace, depth, intensity, fine points of technique, the humility of realizing that an almost insultingly simple little a-b-c technique, followed to the letter with sufficient commitment, could have such a vast effect on our complicated minds. We take refuge in the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha, and in practicing the techniques themselves with openness to the surprise of where they take us. 

Don't nbe too hard on yourself--- I think there's a kind of sweet poignancy to certain melancholies at times, and it seems you may have tasted a bit of that. It all comes out in the wash of practice, gentle, steady, committed practice as the only option to simply succumbing to some variety of incoherent dukha. We're fucked. But there are worse things than being fucked. Like: not knowing that we're fucked, and continuing to try to do the same old stupid shit to hold the whole shit machine together. At least we have a chance at some serious misery now!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/2/20 12:06 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you for the wise and kind reminders.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 5:14 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, May 3, 2020, 6:52 AM

I woke up around 9-10 PM at night. Body was more uncomfortable today until a few hours ago, and some negative emotions come and go. I managed to have a full meal at night, 3 eggs and bread, and that was a relief. For several days I couldn’t eat enough, there was procrastination/aversion to food, and I was eating some cookies, dates and such. I had cooked some chicken, that was there at fridge for a few days and I throw away its remainder today.

Since 12:00 AM I guess I started practicing, while listening to an interview for some minutes in the middle of it, and I’ve been focusing mostly on the change in sensations, in the body and in the murk, and sometimes in the whole field of experience. There is some added clarity in the objects, as if they are made of smaller parts.

That dream that I had a few days ago of being naked, it seems that had something to convey. For most of this last day I have the same feeling. Feeling insecure. To engage again with work and world and people, it feels like I have to go to marketplace naked, and I have to hide. It feels a loss if I go there, and it feels a loss if I don’t go there. So there’s despair.

A lot of vibratory sensations arise since yesterday, mostly in the hands and feet, like a stream of blood/water is moving under the skin.

I’ve been thinking about several close relatives who have died in recent years, and were sick for sometime before dying, but I didn’t visit them, and I kept my parents waiting and suffering, that someday I will go and visit them for the last time (They were always asking me to visit those relatives), but I let them die, because I didn’t know what would happen if I see them in that situation, and I didn’t want to see them sick, and probably (or certainly) afraid to face my pain and their pain. it causes weeping every time I remember.
I couldn’t explain them why, and I had to accept the blame of being lazy and.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 4:56 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Sunday, May 3, 2020, 6:52 AM

That dream that I had a few days ago of being naked, it seems that had something to convey. For most of this last day I have the same feeling. Feeling insecure. To engage again with work and world and people, it feels like I have to go to marketplace naked, and I have to hide. It feels a loss if I go there, and it feels a loss if I don’t go there. So there’s despair.


Going into the marketplace naked is the new world as experienced as anatta. You are dark nighting around this right now, as i see it.

I’ve been thinking about several close relatives who have died in recent years, and were sick for sometime before dying, but I didn’t visit them, and I kept my parents waiting and suffering, that someday I will go and visit them for the last time, but I let them die, because I didn’t know what would happen if I see them in that situation, and I didn’t want to see them sick, and probably (or certainly) afraid to face my pain and their pain. it causes weeping every time I remember.
Again, grief coming up now is classic, and healing, and good. The fourth stage of processing grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, is depression and despair. The fruit of that process, the fifth stage, is acceptance. That is the only place you can go now, as you noted yourself. But only when the price is paid in whole.
I couldn’t explain them why, and I had to accept the blame of being lazy and.
 yes, that's heartbreaking. I have felt that to some degree with every death of a loved one too. i think it actually subtly serves the maintenance of the illusion of control: as if, by your own actions, you could somehow have improved the horror of mortality. I hope you find a way to ask their forgiveness now in prayer and meditation, and to accept that blessing you will find them so ready to bestow, with the love you gave them, however fucked up and shackled it was in the playing out in real time.love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 5:53 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
You are dark nighting around this right now, as i see it.
Yeah, probably.

Going into the marketplace naked is the new world as experienced as anatta.
Hmm, good point!

Again, grief coming up now is classic, and healing, and good. The fourth stage of processing grief, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, is depression and despair. The fruit of that process, the fifth stage, is acceptance. That is the only place you can go now, as you noted yourself. But only when the price is paid in whole.
Yeah.

I have felt that to some degree with every death of a loved one too.
Dukkha... Company...

i think it actually subtly serves the maintenance of the illusion of control: as if, by your own actions, you could somehow have improved the horror of mortality.
Yeah. We/I don't want to accept/believe sickness and death.

I hope you find a way to ask their forgiveness now in prayer and meditation, and to accept that blessing you will find them so ready to bestow, with the love you gave them, however fucked up and shackled it was in the playing out in real time.
I had never thought about forgiveness! Since my parents are always so kind and they never remind me such things, and I myself probably try to forget/not remember, but there is no way around, it comes.

Thank you so much Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 9:02 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 4, 2020, 6:00 AM

I went to bed around 5-6 PM I guess, and woke up around 2-3 AM. While in bed, I was maintaining a light awareness of body and visual field, and suddenly felt an insect is going into my nose, and my whole body jumped up. Body feels better after waking up, and unlike last two days, I didn’t have difficulty getting out of bed. There aren’t much negative emotions too.

Before sleeping I did some more hours of practice. There was vibrations, and energetic sensations in the back, some itchy and painful, and very bright lights and lots of vibrations in the head, that cause my eyes to water and close tightly have great pain.

One of those relatives that I talked about was my uncle, who suffered from cancer and chemotherapy for more than 5 years, and wanted his death. I had a dream this night, that I went to my other uncle’s house, and at the end of that dream, there was a woman sitting there, that I had not noticed her coming there, she was my uncle’s wife that had come there to see me, since I don’t go to see them (She has covid for a few weeks now, but is doing fine), and then I saw her bursting into tears and getting up to leave, because I had not noticed her and I didn’t pay respect and greet her (Or maybe I knew she is there and pretended that I have not seen her, I don’t know), then I recognized her, and apologized, but it was already late I guess, and I wanted to ask her how she is doing with covid, but she decided to leave with a broken heart (Although I don’t remember what happened then).

Yesterday while focusing on the murk and my head and body, it happened a few times, that a momentary and very vague image/impression arose that felt like I am in a different body, like seeing myself in a different body and having a different face, but it was very vague to know what it was.

Now thinking about what should I today, in terms of practice or work and other things, it causes despair. I can't decide what object should I use to focus on.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 9:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
breath

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/3/20 11:32 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
breath


I didn't get that Tim!

But I apologize for my tone of voice in this other thread. It wasn't skillful. Sorry.

-- Edit:
Read my previous post again, I think I get it now, you meant breath as the meditation object it seems, if I am right!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/4/20 1:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tim Farrington:
breath


I didn't get that Tim!

But I apologize for my tone of voice in this other thread. It wasn't skillful. Sorry.

-- Edit:
Read my previous post again, I think I get it now, you meant breath as the meditation object it seems, if I am right!

Hi Siavash,

I could have sworn i answered this with my usual brilliance and grace an hour ago! lol. i'm losing it.

Yes, I meant use the breath as your meditation object, in the simplest fashion your ego can stand, and with great precision and fidelity to the letter of the technique.

Your tone of voice on the other thread was perfect upaya, skillful means to the max. You went into the lion's den when the lion was roaring, and respectfully and lovingly disagreed with the raging lion. Greater love hath no man, than he who would risk getting himself a new asshole torn by his friend, for simply telling his friend the truth. You had the balls to do that, and i love you for it. I thank you for it. You were right.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/4/20 2:51 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Love and Gratitude to you Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/4/20 3:44 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 4, 2020, 8:30 AM

I was sitting, quite hopeless, thinking what should I do, and not knowing what to do, that some sensations arose at the base of spine and tale bone, so I started focusing on whole body, but in a gentle way, and continued that for some time. At some point a shit-like smell arose, after a little while, it turned into a nice and pleasant smell of the cologne that one my my friends in high school had, and I liked it a lot, then it turned into the very lovely smell that I used to feel in the office of the second job that I had as a programmer, and I don’t know what was its source, probably cologne of someone there, but that was one of main reasons that was keeping me to work there, despite it being a very boring, but high tech place. Energetic sensations were stronger, and was causing intense itches, and I kept the focus very light to not cause a problem.

After going to bathroom after this sit, I noticed greater contraction and tightness in muscles and jerkiness in body, that causes some difficulty sometimes while walking and doing other motions.

10:04 AM
There is an annoying kind of hopelessness and sadness, like I am stuck inside my skin, and want to jump out of my skin, but can not do it.
Seeing mental images of blood coming out of my body while peeing, or from my eyes and nose. (this would happen sometimes when there are these emotions, and sometimes becomes silly, like seeing mental images of blood inside laundry machine while hearing its sound washing cloths.)

12:21 PM
There was anxiety and restlessness. Feet were cold, head sweating. I sat to practice (Knees up posture, that I often use these few months), using Shinzen’s See Hear Feel Flow (change in the sensations in all sense doors). Then I tried to narrow it down to hands or nose, but mind was scattered and attention was jumping from object to object. Energy in the spine was stronger, and causing some pain, and bright lights and shining purple, black and violet colors in the murk, and higher tension and jerkiness in body (fear response). I continued it for sometime. Now those negative emotions are almost gone. Body feels better.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/5/20 2:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020, 9:30 AM

Yesterday I slept around 9 PM and woke up around 5 AM, with waking up once in the middle of it. Had a dream of someone who I see them in my dreams rarely, maybe few times so far, but I don’t remember rest of the dreams yet. Body is better except for the throat and trachea and some pain in the chest. Still I have resistance to eating food, and I’ve been hungry since yesterday morning, should find a workaround.

For the last few sits before sleeping yesterday, I was noticing that attention doesn’t stay on objects and objects are not clear enough, so I switched to a broader focus, and focused on the entire visual field for the rest of the practice.

Today mind and body is more calm, and there is more tranquility. Looks similar to the stillness after storm, but doesn’t seem to last long. So there was the necessary tranquility to sit cross legged (Since often the anxiety and jerkiness in body interrupts with the breath if I sit cross legged — in the last several months), so I decided to just sit, and do something like Shinzen’s Do Nothing (His instruction: Let whatever happens happen. If you are aware of an intention to control the attention, drop that intention), and it caused a few explosions of bright lights in the murk (I mean: A sudden strong vibrations arises in my head and causes my eyes to close tightly, and a circular spot of very bright light appears, like if you looking at Sun, and stays for 1-2 seconds with a feeling of release in the face and nose, similar to the one that I get before and after sneezing, then it explodes/ turns to swaths/lines of bright light that spread from the center of that light to the periphery like lightening, and the whole thing lasts 3-4 seconds and feels like a release of energy, but if the energy is stronger, then the bright light stays and several explosions occur after one another), and stronger energetic sensations at the base of spine. After that a stillness arose and body and posture became very still. And for the last part of the sit, I focused on this stillness.

There are not so subtle hints of despair.

Good, and enough for now.

-- Edit:
I noticed now that it's been a year today that I've joined this forum. Many thanks to Daniel, Chris, and all the people who help maintain this forum, and give people this opportunity to share and explore freely.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/5/20 2:22 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020, 11:48 AM

If there's any chance that the state shifts of these few days are related to nanas, then today's phase should be Equanimity. The one that was a few days ago, that just a few seconds of focusing on anything would bring sexual pleasant excited sensations to be A&P, and those "negative" emotions to be part of the dark nanas, and this calmness and openness be Equanimity. I mean in one scale.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/5/20 8:56 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020, 3:35 PM

Despair and sadness is back, full power.
Did some Shinzen’s Note Everything (See Hear Feel), then focused on the body for some time.

Prepared some noodles. First step is done, hopefully I’ll eat it too. Also ate a little fruits.

Going to focus on the sensations of this despair in the face.

6:20 PM
The only sensations related to this despair-sadness that are obvious to me, are sensations in my face specially lips and eyes, and the mental image of my face. So I focused on them for a few sit. In the beginning after some minutes, a very strong sharp pain arose on the tale bone, that fortunately only lasted a second. While doing this, I was also thinking about some of the painful experiences that my family had in the past, that have done damage to all of us. Toward the end of this last sit, the sensations at the base of spine became stronger, and started moving up and down a little, but then stopped.

Ate some of that noodles. At least it’s easier to eat than most other foods, if we can call it food (Why am I writing this — Why shouldn’t I write this shit).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/5/20 10:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, May 5, 2020, 3:35 PM

Despair and sadness is back, full power.
Did some Shinzen’s Note Everything (See Hear Feel), then focused on the body for some time.

Prepared some noodles. First step is done, hopefully I’ll eat it too. Also ate a little fruits.

Going to focus on the sensations of this despair in the face.

6:20 PM
The only sensations related to this despair-sadness that are obvious to me, are sensations in my face specially lips and eyes, and the mental image of my face. So I focused on them for a few sit. In the beginning after some minutes, a very strong sharp pain arose on the tale bone, that fortunately only lasted a second. While doing this, I was also thinking about some of the painful experiences that my family had in the past, that have done damage to all of us. Toward the end of this last sit, the sensations at the base of spine became stronger, and started moving up and down a little, but then stopped.

Ate some of that noodles. At least it’s easier to eat than most other foods, if we can call it food (Why am I writing this — Why shouldn’t I write this shit).

This would be, uh, how do you say it in Azerbaijani? Dark night shit, is the technical phrase. It may go on long enough that continuing to be able to eat the noodles is probably a good idea, because there are few things worse than despair AND hunger. 
(Why am I writing this — Why shouldn’t I write this shit).
Yup, exactly. The next step may well be, Why am I practicing this tasteless technique? Why shouldn't i practice this shit technque. At least it's easier to do that most other techniques. And i gotta practice something.

Let's ease your despair toward total hopelessness, in other words.

Meanwhile, eat the fucking noodles and practice the useless fucking technique, I say.

T.S. Eliot says, also of the dark night, 
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and th hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought.
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

"East Coker"
It is hard to let despair and misery be. But pushing hard at despair will only make you more desperate right now. Just live with it, sit with it, watch it rise as this and that, and depart as that and this. Hang in there, which is paradoxically easier to do now, because one of the things despair does make clear is how fucked you are, and how without recourse. No place to run, no place to hide? Right where it happens, my friend.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/5/20 11:28 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thanks.

For now: (Not a full response)

(Why am I writing this — Why shouldn’t I write this shit)

Yup, exactly. The next step may well be, Why am I practicing this tasteless technique? Why shouldn't i practice this shit technque. At least it's easier to do that most other techniques. And i gotta practice something.


Having grown up in a very poor family, when I want to express to others (or even to myself sometimes) anything that can have any hint of poverty, this defence mechanism becomes active (Which I don't buy what it says, but it does its thing), that you should hide it. Although this noodle doesn't relate at all to poverty, and just is a way of laziness and I have some good income and all, but still, that defence system comes on and says, you should hide this, and this other voice says, shutup, why to hide it...., this was that, that in both writing and not writing, there is some bitter-ness embeded.

To be from very poor family, and study in schools and a university that most of their students were from wealthiest families, and often being better than all those wealthy kids, has created lots of paradoxes, that that defence mechanism should be one of them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/6/20 3:44 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 6, 2020, 12:00-13:00 PM

// You cover a shit, but still you can’t breathe. You have covered it with another shit.

Today I sept around 3:30 PM and woke up around 11:00 AM, and everything look normal! It’s been some years now that this has been my sleep time, and for whole these weeks it was turning around (and will go around), and none of felt normal so far.
It seems that the dreams are the court, for things that I DON’T DO during waking life.

While in bed, a feeling arose in my legs that I had it once or twice before in the last weeks. It’s strange but pleasant. I focused lightly on my legs, and this feeling arose, although not a result of focusing on legs. It was like my legs are on waves of water, and the muscles were vibrating with the waves under them, something like having 4 inches between two extremities of the underlying wave.

There was one of those dreams, close to when I woke up. I guess its pain woke me up.
It seems that my big fear is the fear of being unreliable, and being recognized as unreliable, and as a result of that, being unworthy. The whole problem related to work, comes from that.
Last night a colleague called me, based on its time, and the fact that there wasn’t any message before that, I thought that there isn’t any emergency, and he wants to know how I am doing, and I wasn’t in a mood to talk with anyone, so I didn’t answer. But it came back in the dream.

In the dream, one of out previous managers had asked me to do something, in order to help people with this covid, it was a technical work, but I had not done it. Then I tried to cover it, but it was late, and they had moved on. I saw that guy, and he has this terrible look at his face (We worked for years together and were very ok with each other), that “Sorry, it’s too late, you weren’t there when we needed you”. I was filled with shame and remorse. Trying to fix it. Saw the guy again, and said something like, I can do it, and he said something like, let’s see what happens later. Although not much words. You feel what the other one thinks or feels. And that’s enough.

But I want to move on. This negativity only wants to kill me. By trying to keep me in a loop, that I know nothing good can come out of it.

I’ll try to meet my mountains in these few days, I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find a way.

Yesterday practicing before sleep, there was all kinds of pain in the back and hips as a result of this energy. It was interesting the pain in the hip was very similar to a bad and painful injection. And some uncomfortable sensations in the throat.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/6/20 6:20 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 6, 2020, 12:00-13:00 PM

// You cover a shit, but still you can’t breathe. You have covered it with another shit.

Today I sept around 3:30 PM and woke up around 11:00 AM, and everything look normal! It’s been some years now that this has been my sleep time, and for whole these weeks it was turning around (and will go around), and none of felt normal so far.
It seems that the dreams are the court, for things that I DON’T DO during waking life.

While in bed, a feeling arose in my legs that I had it once or twice before in the last weeks. It’s strange but pleasant. I focused lightly on my legs, and this feeling arose, although not a result of focusing on legs. It was like my legs are on waves of water, and the muscles were vibrating with the waves under them, something like having 4 inches between two extremities of the underlying wave.

There was one of those dreams, close to when I woke up. I guess its pain woke me up.
It seems that my big fear is the fear of being unreliable, and being recognized as unreliable, and as a result of that, being unworthy. The whole problem related to work, comes from that.
Last night a colleague called me, based on its time, and the fact that there wasn’t any message before that, I thought that there isn’t any emergency, and he wants to know how I am doing, and I wasn’t in a mood to talk with anyone, so I didn’t answer. But it came back in the dream.

In the dream, one of out previous managers had asked me to do something, in order to help people with this covid, it was a technical work, but I had not done it. Then I tried to cover it, but it was late, and they had moved on. I saw that guy, and he has this terrible look at his face (We worked for years together and were very ok with each other), that “Sorry, it’s too late, you weren’t there when we needed you”. I was filled with shame and remorse. Trying to fix it. Saw the guy again, and said something like, I can do it, and he said something like, let’s see what happens later. Although not much words. You feel what the other one thinks or feels. And that’s enough.

But I want to move on. This negativity only wants to kill me. By trying to keep me in a loop, that I know nothing good can come out of it.

I’ll try to meet my mountains in these few days, I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find a way.

Yesterday practicing before sleep, there was all kinds of pain in the back and hips as a result of this energy. It was interesting the pain in the hip was very similar to a bad and painful injection. And some uncomfortable sensations in the throat.

you go, my friend.
I’ll try to meet my mountains in these few days, I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find a way.
yup


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/6/20 6:27 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi and Thanks Tim (or tim? You write it both ways!),
Good man,
Wish you happiness on demand.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/7/20 7:54 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, May 7, 2020, 5:10 PM

I Slept for less than 4 hours today, woke up, tried to sleep again but couldn’t. Had some strange dreams. One of them I had a few of my cousins that I haven’t seen them in 20 years. They were grown up and had different look. Something that probably was not coming from my memory because they never had that look and still don’t have probably. There is a question there, that how this kind of images are being formed in mind.

Yesterday and today overally not much negative or positive emotions. Earlier today I got into music. Played the instrument a little (Setaar), sung a little, then an old song came to my mind that first time that I had heard it over 20 years ago, it had a very powerful effect, and I was filled with joy and energy and could walk with a speed that I wasn’t ever possible before that. A subtle joy was there to listen to it again, then I played it, but it caused a lot of grieving, and sobbed for some minutes, and listened to some more old songs that were my best companion for years, and went into past and it caused a tranquil sadness, that has a pleasantness to it.

But last few hours there is an edgy restlessness, and trying to do practice, and getting things out of it, but not being able to stick to a technique, and not knowing what to practice. Yesterday there was this quality too.
Did some fire kasina a little ago. Listening to Daniel’s interview that he posted today.

Oh, and while in bed this night (morning), that pleasant wave-like vibrations arose in my legs a little bit, but went away quickly. It seems that they arose when I am very tired.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/7/20 2:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, May 7, 2020, 11:39 PM

Did a few sits.
While focusing on a mildly pleasant sensation in one of the sits, the energetic sensations in my back became stronger, and the one at the base of spine started moving up, then moved down a little bit, and again moved up maybe around 3-4 inches, that was happening for the first time I think.
Also some energetic vibrations arose on the back of my head, in the center of it almost on the hair line, that was almost new, tingle vibrations.
Most of these sensations on the back were not painful these few sits.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/8/20 4:57 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 8, 2020, 2:04 PM

In the school time, I was good at painting and handwriting, and I'd always look for some paper and a pen to draw things, sometimes abstract ones by repetition.

In the dreams today, I had two persons there, one was not present, the one that I was supposed to live with but I didn’t like doing that, the other, the one that I loved, but I didn’t know if she has the same love or not. Then this second one expressed her love, and I was content with that. I started drawing, I don’t know it was on a paper or on the air, and this repetition of arcs that I was drawing was turning into branches and leafs of trees, heaven like. Then we could see that beautiful scene in the sky above us, fresh trees that were the lines that I drew into existence.

Last night I did some practice using Shinzen’s Gone (vanishing of sensations), and focusing on the silence and stillness. There was sleepiness. I was doing a little practice then go to sleep, but I had fallen asleep. Then an earthquake came and woke me up. I was sitting in front of the wall, I felt that the wall pushed me strongly, and I jumped up. Fortunately it was only 5.1 degrees. This city is awaiting a big one, and there are a lot of fear around it in the country.

It’s interesting that during these years that I was here, three earthquakes have happened, all in the range of 5-5.5 degrees, and I was asleep all three times and woken up by the earthquake! The first one was 16 years ago around 5 PM, and I was asleep in university campus. Second one here in this house, around three years ago, that was 8-9 PM, and the last one last night 12:48 AM. After that I prepared my bag and took all the necessary things, and waited for a few hours for a bigger one, but fortunately that 5.1 was the main one. There was a smaller one that I felt. And now the ground feels stable so far!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/8/20 5:14 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, May 8, 2020, 2:04 PM

In the school time, I was good at painting and handwriting, and I'd always look for some paper and a pen to draw things, sometimes abstract ones by repetition.

In the dreams today, I had two persons there, one was not present, the one that I was supposed to live with but I didn’t like doing that, the other, the one that I loved, but I didn’t know if she has the same love or not. Then this second one expressed her love, and I was content with that. I started drawing, I don’t know it was on a paper or on the air, and this repetition of arcs that I was drawing was turning into branches and leafs of trees, heaven like. Then we could see that beautiful scene in the sky above us, fresh trees that were the lines that I drew into existence.


emoticon
Then this second one expressed her love, and I was content with that.

This is the most complete statement of enlightenment i have ever heard. Don't tell anyone, it will cause more earthquakes. You are already a danger to your city, clearly. Keep your practice up in temperate fashion.


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/8/20 5:30 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Keep your practice up in temperate fashion.
I should try!

You are already a danger to your city, clearly.

Last year there was an earthquake around the city that my nephew was studying.

It was around 12:00 AM that I got a strong feeling that tonight there will be earthquake, but I felt that it will be here. So I did some preparation, and sat waiting for the disaster. two hours after that I got a text message from my nephew asking me did I feel the earthquake. It wasn't here, and I didn't feel it. It was there and also around my hometown, two hours after that feeling.

(Edit: I don't know why I wrote this sentence) So, am I the one that should be careful?

Thank you. Your name as the last one on threads in the Recent Posts doesn't make me nervous.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/9/20 5:22 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, May 9, 2020, 2:36 PM

Just writing as a way out of boredom.

For two days before yesterday and for the few hour yesterday after I woke up, body was almost fine. It seemed that the sickness has gone away. But then it came back, with aches and pains, discomfort in throat and below it, and low energy and fatigue. I wanted to do some practice but I couldn’t sit, and I was in bed for most of the yesterday. Did some practice while in bed, but mindfulness was not very good. Today it’s the same, except I couldn’t lie down in my bed more because that causes a terrible pain in the middle of my back in spinal column that I had to get up. I was reading a report a few days ago about some of the covid patients that just don’t get better after many weeks. The pattern was that they start to feel better, but then the symptoms return, and this repeats. It was pretty much what I had in the last weeks. But I still don’t fucking know if this is covid or not, and I am not interested in having a test (If I could get one), since they are not accurate enough specially for an obsessed skeptic like myself.

Yesterday I watched some of the videos in Kenneth Folk’s youtube channel, and the part for noting mind states was interesting to me, and it changed the way that I approach mind states. I often don’t practice Shinzen’s Feel In (which is similar to this noting mind states), because the way I do it, is that I first ask myself what emotions do I have, and then which sensations are related to those emotions, and often I couldn’t find much sensations except some in my face. But after listening to Kenneth I noticed that I can do it the other way, and tested it for a few minutes and was working. That instead of looking for emotions first, I started just paying attention to what sensations that I notice now, and see if any one them has any emotional quality to it or not. For instance I noticed a pain and feeling worry about it, or an itch and feeling aversion to it, or another itch and feeling despair with it. This should be untangled, but that’s not the task for now. To be untangled that why itch A has aversion with it, but itch B has despair with it, and what are this other sensations beside those itches that say, hey I throw aversion to your face or throw despair to your face.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/9/20 4:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, May 10, 2020, 1:21 AM

Couldn't sit to practice, went to my bed. Did some practice there focusing on the silence in the mind and the nada sound. Mindfulness was not good, but that created some painful energetic sensations. A strong pain arose in genitals and moved up to the lower abdomen about 1-2 inches. It was like a painful tickle, fortunately only 1-2 seconds. This kind of pains recently arise more specially in the throat, that are like tickes that cause body to move, but very painful. Then there was heat in the sole of left foot. Then a hard pain in the right toes, like when you hit them with a hammer, that turned to a burning pins and needles, then sleepiness.

Second time in bed I fell asleep quickly. There was a dream, I was very angry and yelling at my father and sister. Then I saw I am in bed, and my family are asleeping in the room also. Wasn't sure it's here or my hometown. Then I was half awake, and thought that I am here, but my family are here too. Then I remembered that no, I am alone, but still I was seeing the room the way it is in my parents house. Then some part of the room changed to the way it's here, but the rest of it was like there. Then it got restored completely. I was so angry at the dream (with some fear at the end of it), that when I woke up, my heart was racing.

Going to bed again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/9/20 4:17 PM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
To be untangled that why itch A has aversion with it, but itch B has despair with it, and what are this other sensations beside those itches that say, hey I throw aversion to your face or throw despair to your face.
yes!

THAT is beating boredom too!


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/10/20 3:25 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
emoticon
To be untangled that why itch A has aversion with it, but itch B has despair with it, and what are this other sensations beside those itches that say, hey I throw aversion to your face or throw despair to your face.
yes!

THAT is beating boredom too!


love, tim



Yeah, I hadn't noticed!

Tip: To be able to reply with quote (At this time that there seem to be a problem with it), click on the Reply with Quote, then in the editor press Enter/Return a few times, then copy the whole text, then click the cancel button, then click Quick Reply, and paste your damn text, and write what the hell you want to write! ;)


-- Edit:
Testing th edit functionality since it had problem yesterday. If this gets published, then the problem has been resolved.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/10/20 12:14 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Sunday, May 10, 2020, 1:21 AM

Couldn't sit to practice, went to my bed. Did some practice there focusing on the silence in the mind and the nada sound. Mindfulness was not good, but that created some painful energetic sensations. A strong pain arose in genitals and moved up to the lower abdomen about 1-2 inches. It was like a painful tickle, fortunately only 1-2 seconds. This kind of pains recently arise more specially in the throat, that are like tickes that cause body to move, but very painful. Then there was heat in the sole of left foot. Then a hard pain in the right toes, like when you hit them with a hammer, that turned to a burning pins and needles, then sleepiness.

Second time in bed I fell asleep quickly. There was a dream, I was very angry and yelling at my father and sister. Then I saw I am in bed, and my family are asleeping in the room also. Wasn't sure it's here or my hometown. Then I was half awake, and thought that I am here, but my family are here too. Then I remembered that no, I am alone, but still I was seeing the room the way it is in my parents house. Then some part of the room changed to the way it's here, but the rest of it was like there. Then it got restored completely. I was so angry at the dream (with some fear at the end of it), that when I woke up, my heart was racing.

Going to bed again.



This dream that I had last night, was a CLEAR picture of what has happened today since the morning til now. I received a very good news about my sister that we were waiting for it for a few years. It was a great relief, and I didn't know the developments that were going on in the last days. But I had every right to be that angry (not at them though! but they were part of the story), considering what has happened today. I have no idea how that can happen, but that 30 seconds in the dream clearly captured the whole events of today.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/10/20 6:29 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 11, 2020, 3:57 AM

Today body was better than last two days.
Did a few sits practicing Shinzen's Hear In, noticing mental talks and silence and nada sound.
And a few sits of doing Note Everything, or See Hear Feel.
There were bright dots in the visual field, that would then turn into a very black black dot.

Going to sleep.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 10:37 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 11, 2020, 7:54 PM

This last night I had one of those dreams, that shame is the main theme. I was in my parents house, trying to hide something from my family and my mother, and I was in bathroom, trying to hide it there, and hadn’t noticed that I haven’t locked the door, then my mother came inside (It didn’t seem wrong that why she opened the door and came inside), and saw me trying to hide it, and asked while being shocked, what is going on here, and I couldn’t say anything and started crying, and I just kept crying, then she starting saying that don’t cry, it’s ok, and.

Body still feels sick. There was a bug report from the bank (The client of our systems), that I had to work on it. So I worked for 3 hours. Then prepared some rice and chicken, and these exhausted my energy. I wanted to work more but I don’t have more energy for it. I should do some practice, don’t know what technique, but I’ll choose one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 11:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, May 11, 2020, 7:54 PM

This last night I had one of those dreams, that shame is the main theme. I was in my parents house, trying to hide something from my family and my mother, and I was in bathroom, trying to hide it there, and hadn’t noticed that I haven’t locked the door, then my mother came inside (It didn’t seem wrong that why she opened the door and came inside), and saw me trying to hide it, and asked while being shocked, what is going on here, and I couldn’t say anything and started crying, and I just kept crying, then she starting saying that don’t cry, it’s ok, and.

Body still feels sick. There was a bug report from the bank (The client of our systems), that I had to work on it. So I worked for 3 hours. Then prepared some rice and chicken, and these exhausted my energy. 

i find chicken particularly exhausting myself. I hope you can live on leftoevers for a few days.

I wanted to work more but I don’t have more energy for it.

let's get a union organizer in there pronto. are they paying you for this work done from home? Can you say "24/7 sweatshop?" Is this dangerous to joke about? Seriously.
I should do some practice, don’t know what technique, but I’ll choose one.

the great thing about an exhausted body is that it will eventually fall asleep no matter what technique you use.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 11:42 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Is this dangerous to joke about?
No, it's not.

let's get a union organizer in there pronto.... Can you say "24/7 sweatshop?" ....
I didn't get this part!

are they paying you for this work done from home?
Of course they are paying. I am content with my salary rate.


Did I miss the whole point here?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:05 PM as a reply to Siavash.
I've been working in technology for a long time. It's always been a sweatshop and post office kind of job.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:10 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've been working in technology for a long time. It's always been a sweatshop and post office kind of job.



Well, yeah, in that sense it's true.
If you are working on a live software system, specially something like banking or health care, there is no office. You can't get away from it. It shouldn't be surprising that after all these years working on banking and health care systems, I am not able to work for a good portion of time. The heart/mind/soul/body becomes tired.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:37 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Yes. I got my start in software at a large bank. Check sorting and the like. It was interesting for a few months emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:48 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Yes. I got my start in software at a large bank. Check sorting and the like. It was interesting for a few months emoticon



Yeah, only for a few months! ;)
It would be good if you just do the design, architecture, and initial rounds of implementations, but let other people launch the system and maintain it emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
That's how it eventually went. I left for a software startup - design, product management, and coaching clients on how to install and maintain.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/11/20 12:58 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
That's much better than being on the code side. All blames are for developers, and all praises are for others (managers mostly)!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/12/20 9:29 AM as a reply to Siavash.
The reality of the B2B software industry is that all the blame is really on sales emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/12/20 9:37 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
The reality of the B2B software industry is that all the blame is really on sales emoticon


Well, that's the next level of hierarchy emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 5:18 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I just can't resist posting this.

This is the song that tears my heart down since yesterday.
My old friends. I always wished I lived at their time. Most of them died 40-50 years ago.
The picture is for the singer: Banan.
Huh, there wasn't any picture. I mistaken the picture with another one.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GHyjiAdeaE

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 5:52 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 13, 2020, 3:03 PM

Yesterday:
I was trying to be mindful, but was getting lost in wander-land. Decided to use spoken labels (Shinzen’s terminology - same as noting aloud) with See Hear Feel, but a lot of the labels were not correct, I was mostly repeating see and feel like a mantra. So I mixed it with Mahasi style labels, and it got better. After sometime I dropped spoken labels, later dropped Mahasi labels too. Did this for two sessions I guess, toward the end of it I relaxed and tried to be aware of the entire experience, since the noting was fast at that point.

After that, despair became more obvious and pervasive, so I grabbed its neck and took that as object, and did two sessions focusing on the desperate sensations, mostly on my face. First session of it, many many mental images arose of the difficult times that I had, beginning from when I was 4-5 until recent weeks. Then continued that shit for a few more sessions in bed. I was awake to see Shinzen’s intro to Immersion 2020 program, but I fell asleep!

Among the dreams of yesterday, there was one with my younger uncle who is a physicist and lives in US. I haven’t seen him in 15 years. After I woke up yesterday I was having mental images of him frequently. I hope to not hear about him, since it’s not likely to be good news.

Today doing this emotion practice in bed, I woke up after 2-3 hours. Tried to sleep again but couldn’t.

Yesterday I worked 1.5 hours on that same bug, which only occurs for one customer, and that one customer seems to be someone close to the CEO of the bank, and there is direct pressure from the CEO. Worst kind of situation. Today I may meet a colleague to get the test device from him.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 9:47 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
I just can't resist posting this.

This is the song that tears my heart down since yesterday.
My old friends. I always wished I lived at their time. Most of them died 40-50 years ago.
the singer: Banan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GHyjiAdeaE
i love this. Beautiful, and knowing what it meant to you had me near tears listening to it too. Bhakte means something to do with "devotion," yes?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 9:57 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 13, 2020, 3:03 PM

Yesterday:
I was trying to be mindful, but was getting lost in wander-land. Decided to use spoken labels (Shinzen’s terminology - same as noting aloud) with See Hear Feel, but a lot of the labels were not correct, I was mostly repeating see and feel like a mantra. So I mixed it with Mahasi style labels, and it got better. After sometime I dropped spoken labels, later dropped Mahasi labels too. Did this for two sessions I guess, toward the end of it I relaxed and tried to be aware of the entire experience, since the noting was fast at that point.



The master of noting aloud just came out with this experiment in a radical simplication of noting vocabulary:

Papa Che

I would like to hear what others think of it once they actually try this. I would suggest only those very familiar with freestyle noting to try this, and feel Noting being almost on auto pilot and fluid. 
Tell me what you have noticed after practicing this way. This might as well just be utterly stupid emoticon but thank you for trying it out and sharing your findings. 
https://youtu.be/hCvzwaOSwek
Shrwoosh

After that, despair became more obvious and pervasive, so I grabbed its neck and took that as object, and did two sessions focusing on the desperate sensations, mostly on my face. First session of it, many many mental images arose of the difficult times that I had, beginning from when I was 4-5 until recent weeks.
Despair is a meditation object we can count on.

Then continued that shit for a few more sessions in bed.

This is the whole spiritual path in a nutshell: "I set out to become enlightened, found a technique and worked it for as long as i could stand in a day, then continued that shit for a few more sessions in bed. After a mere 45 years of this. . ."
I was awake to see Shinzen’s intro to Immersion 2020 program, but I fell asleep!

a lot of people get that with intro talks to programs. End talks, even more so.

Among the dreams of yesterday, there was one with my younger uncle who is a physicist and lives in US. I haven’t seen him in 15 years. After I woke up yesterday I was having mental images of him frequently. I hope to not hear about him, since it’s not likely to be good news.
God bless him.
Today doing this emotion practice in bed, I woke up after 2-3 hours. Tried to sleep again but couldn’t.

You're fucked.
Yesterday I worked 1.5 hours on that same bug, which only occurs for one customer, and that one customer seems to be someone close to the CEO of the bank, and there is direct pressure from the CEO. Worst kind of situation. Today I may meet a colleague to get the test device from him.
Fucked at work too.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 10:10 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
I just can't resist posting this.

This is the song that tears my heart down since yesterday.
My old friends. I always wished I lived at their time. Most of them died 40-50 years ago.
the singer: Banan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GHyjiAdeaE
i love this. Beautiful, and knowing what it meant to you had me near tears listening to it too. Bhakte means something to do with "devotion," yes?


Thanks, great.
yes? Yes.

The composer had composed it for his daughter.

It says:

You are my beautiful flower,
My wine, my chalice,
You bright Moon, I swear to God you are the light of my nights,
You are my dawn of hope, my Moon, my Sun,
You manifestation of being, are my eternal life...

And so on.

(My clumsy translation)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 10:05 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Good splits and summary emoticon

Agreed about being fucked!

Actually I was wrong about the intro program of Shinzen, I guess. Because just now I finished watching him, a two hours intro!

Thanks Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 11:16 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
I just can't resist posting this.

This is the song that tears my heart down since yesterday.
My old friends. I always wished I lived at their time. Most of them died 40-50 years ago.
the singer: Banan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GHyjiAdeaE
i love this. Beautiful, and knowing what it meant to you had me near tears listening to it too. Bhakte means something to do with "devotion," yes?


Oh, sorry Tim, I thought that you mean Bhakti and it's just a typo that you wrote it Bhakte, sorry.

No, Bakht means destiny or fortune
. That e at the end of it is there because the other word is an adjective, Bidar, means awake.

Bakht:
بخت

Bidar:
بیدار

In this case, awake means something like good, or fortunate.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 2:30 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 13, 2020, 11:49 PM

It seems that I had some awareness during sleep. It happened two or three times that I heard a voice, saying something that I couldn’t know/remember what that was, very short, a few words only, but I was very much like the sound is coming from the outside. Also a few times it seemed that there are visual phenomena similar to that, but I don’t know/remember what those were, and at that point that were dreamy probably, I either make a post about it, or told Tim, and he said/replied that …Yeah that’s a good/positive thing and is this… . At the end, what I remember seems to be this thought that, ok I am fully awake now, let’s getup. All as guesses except for hearing the voices.

I had done a short fire kasina session before that, and before it I had noticed that those bright violet, purple and black colors are back, first noticed with eyes open, so I did the Fire kasina, and then continued focusing on visuals for just a little, and continued that while in bed.

When I am sleepy, often this thing happen that my jaw gets closed very tightly and suddenly, that if my tongue was around, it would get damaged, so in the last year I have practiced to always place my tongue in a safe place specially during the practice. When I woke up as fast and sudden one happened that caused strong pain in that tooth that has pain for sometime now as a result of this thing.

Going back to bed.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 3:28 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 13, 2020, 11:49 PM

It seems that I had some awareness during sleep. It happened two or three times that I heard a voice, saying something that I couldn’t know/remember what that was, very short, a few words only, but I was very much like the sound is coming from the outside. Also a few times it seemed that there are visual phenomena similar to that, but I don’t know/remember what those were, and at that point that were dreamy probably, I either make a post about it, or told Tim, and he said/replied that …Yeah that’s a good/positive thing and is this… . At the end, what I remember seems to be this thought that, ok I am fully awake now, let’s getup. All as guesses except for hearing the voices.

I had done a short fire kasina session before that, and before it I had noticed that those bright violet, purple and black colors are back, first noticed with eyes open, so I did the Fire kasina, and then continued focusing on visuals for just a little, and continued that while in bed.

When I am sleepy, often this thing happen that my jaw gets closed very tightly and suddenly, that if my tongue was around, it would get damaged, so in the last year I have practiced to always place my tongue in a safe place specially during the practice. When I woke up as fast and sudden one happened that caused strong pain in that tooth that has pain for sometime now as a result of this thing.

Going back to bed.

The jaw does catch a lot of torque from meditation shit at certain times, is my experience. I know that Daniel Ingram somewhere tells of actually having some teeth pulled to try to work around a patch like that.

And lucid dreams are in the air, like a virus. A week ago i didn't even know what LD meant, though it had something to do with cheap computer screens. Now there's people zipping around every which way. It's eerie, Shrowsh, let me tell you.

Also, yes, never ever let your tongue forward between you gently meditatively parted teeth, because one good zap and you're mute, half-tongued, not just the usual deaf and blind and lame-ass (all of us all, i mean, the usual deaf and blind and lame-ass. You're a fucking idiot, but against the curve of us the usual deaf and blind and lame-ass, you are an excellent fucking idiot. So keep that tongue back.)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 7:40 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Yeah, thanks.
I don't know if it was a lucid dream.

--------

This next round of sleep had some crazy dreams. I was somewhere that looked like a park, mountains and a mall, outside the city, and I did something, maybe hit a few people, and then everywhere filled with polices quickly, and they started looking for the one who did it, there was someone with me I don't remember who, I found a way out and ran away to the city. After that the last scenes of the dream was different, like I was watching them on TV, or maybe they were on TV, I can't know, and I was half awake at the end of the last one.

IT seems that I can play with this more.

Shinzen has the end of day program 20 minutes later, but sorry man I want to sleep, for the next round of crazy dreams.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/13/20 7:51 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Yeah, thanks.
I don't know if it was a lucid dream.

--------

This next round of sleep had some crazy dreams. I was somewhere that looked like a park, mountains and a mall, outside the city, and I did something, maybe hit a few people, and then everywhere filled with polices quickly, and they started looking for the one who did it, there was someone with me I don't remember who, I found a way out and ran away to the city. After that the last scenes of the dream was different, like I was watching them on TV, or maybe they were on TV, I can't know, and I was half awake at the end of the last one.


well, you were sort of pissy for a while there, lol.
IT seems that I can play with this more.

It does indeed.
Shinzen has the end of day program 20 minutes later, but sorry man I want to sleep, for the next round of crazy dreams.

hate to say it of a guy who could probably dodge the hot latte before it hits his lap, but Shinzen sounds like a good cure for insomnia.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/14/20 5:18 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
but Shinzen sounds like a good cure for insomnia.



Actually my insomnia got cured after I took Shinzen's advice about that, that "change your mentality and instead of wanting to have a good night sleep, see it as a good night rest, and relax the body and be still in your bed and practice a technique".

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/14/20 5:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
but Shinzen sounds like a good cure for insomnia.



Actually my insomnia got cured after I took Shinzen's advice about that, that "change your mentality and instead of wanting to have a good night sleep, see it as a good night rest, and relax the body and be still in your bed and practice a technique".
wow! fantastic.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/14/20 5:38 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
but Shinzen sounds like a good cure for insomnia.



Actually my insomnia got cured after I took Shinzen's advice about that, that "change your mentality and instead of wanting to have a good night sleep, see it as a good night rest, and relax the body and be still in your bed and practice a technique".
wow! fantastic.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUQFw2jNf7s

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/15/20 5:52 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 15, 2020, 2:54 PM

Yesterday body was feeling very sick with pains and fatigue, today is the same. I couldn’t do much practice yesterday. Wanted to do some sitting practice but there was a bad nausea that I couldn’t sit and I had to lie down, and I fell asleep after sometime. I have this kind of nausea from time to time, it occurs if my stomach is empty for sometime or is full, and since I drink a lot of tea and water, that combination causes nausea, and in that state if I move much or eat and drink anything, I will have to vomit every bit of food and water that is in my stomach and it’s a very unpleasant experience that causes discomfort in the body for 1-2 days after that, if it happens, so I always try to prevent it.

I worked for a few hours both yesterday and Wednesday, talking with colleagues about that bug and gathering more data to be able to reproduce it.

Before going to bed yesterday, I noticed that those bright violet, purple and black colors are back, very strongly, that while reading some text on monitor they occasionally would cover part of the screen, so I did a fire kasina for 30-40 minutes, then I tried to pay close attention to the urges and intentions. What I often find out is that, for instance an urge to scratch an itch, consists of the memory of previous scratches. Like if I have an itch and have the urge to scratch it, I get a mental image of my hand moving to scratch that point in my body, and also I get a subtle mental sensation of that point being scratched, that has a subtle pleasantness to it, and it seems to be the case for other urges too, that there are some mental images of the memory of previous actions related to them, and a subtle pleasant flavor/sensation.

While in bed, I focused on the nada sound and the overall restful states of body-mind, and that caused some strong momentary pains. A tickle-like pain in genitals, a strong sharp pain in right leg that caused my body to jump up, and it was like it’s stabbed with a knife, and a similar pain in the left side of the back, on a point that often has itching as a result of practice.

Today I will try to pay more attention to the urges.

And a piece of music from those two friends:
(Translation of its name would be something like caress)
(Jalil Shahnaz: Tar, Hasan Kasaei: Ney)


https://youtu.be/HhlNGjfP-NE?t=91

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/15/20 10:07 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon


And a piece of music from those two friends:
(Translation of its name would be something like caress)
(Jalil Shahnaz: Tar, Hasan Kasaei: Ney)


https://youtu.be/HhlNGjfP-NE?t=91

T
his is incredibly PLAYFUL!

the photo of those two old masters goofing is worth the click on this video all by iyself, lol. How beautiful they are.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/15/20 10:28 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Yes they are beautiful.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/17/20 10:04 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
I still have aversion to writing, because each time there is an intention to write, I notice that it's not a "wholesome" intention. This definition for wholesome is subject to change.

Siavash, what's the latest on your unwholesome urge to communicate with fellows practioners, you corrupt horror show?



love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/17/20 11:01 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
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I still have aversion to writing, because each time there is an intention to write, I notice that it's not a "wholesome" intention. This definition for wholesome is subject to change.

Siavash, what's the latest on your unwholesome urge to communicate with fellows practioners, you corrupt horror show?



love, tim



Hey Tim,
Thanks for asking,

There is not much to communicate, just swimming in the cold waters of aversion.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/17/20 11:05 AM as a reply to Siavash.
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Siavash:
Tim Farrington:
emoticon
I still have aversion to writing, because each time there is an intention to write, I notice that it's not a "wholesome" intention. This definition for wholesome is subject to change.

Siavash, what's the latest on your unwholesome urge to communicate with fellows practioners, you corrupt horror show?



love, tim



Hey Tim,
Thanks for asking,

There is not much to communicate, just swimming in the cold waters of aversion.

emoticon

I really shouldn't laugh, but yu have such a way with words, my friend. damn, i love you.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 2
Answer
5/17/20 11:18 AM as a reply to Siavash.
This log thread died. Something gave birth to another one:


https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20832167