We say in Turkic languages: The one who goes to hell, looks for a company to go together!
(Just a note, since I am lazy (sorry! :-D), and have low energy these days, I might be slow in reading and responding to longer comments, sorry for that too!)
T: That will be $250, please.S: Sorry, I can't do that. You need to first ask them to remove the sanction! ;-)
[obscene, profane, remarkably detailed howl of frustration deleted, per DhO forum rules.]
I always try to be away, far away from anything that is not in that comfort zone, and obviously this has a big impact in all aspects of my life, including meditation. So maybe it would be a good idea to go towards those things that are not in that zone, or maybe not. I don't know what would be the result. But I may try it.
Yesterday I continued with trying to practice and relax more, to have less difficulty with breathing. . . . This night I woke up at 10:00 PM, and there was aches and pains in the body, and low energy. Now it feels better. And this difficulty with breathing was more intense since I woke up, so I practiced for a few hours and it got much better. Then I sat again for another round of practice, and focused on my throat which has this feeling of suffocation, but as I practiced more, breathing became more difficult. It was feeilng like my abdomen and sides are filled with bricks and rocks instead of organs. So I downloaded the video of Namo Avalokiteshvara chant by Thich Nhat Hanh and his students, and played it in repeating mode, and put headsets and lied down and tried to relax and practice in bed.
I LOVE chants, oh my, yes.
It was not helping, so I focused on the visual space and the sound as if sound is filling the whole space. Then I imagined that I am dying, and transitioning to another world, and this music in my ears are the angels and saints from that world, that are playing and singing it
, and are welcoming me by that. That gave some joy and relaxation for some seconds.
lol, yeah, that's the bitch of joy and relaxation and the fucking angels singing. But those seconds are a sweet taste. Like the zen story of the guy being chased by a tiger. He goes straight off a cliff, falls about 10 feel, and manages to grab a protruding branch. He looks up, there's the tiger, licking its chops. He looks down, and it's a thousand foot fall into rocks.And then, just beside him, he sees a vine, gnarled among the rocks and shrubs of the cliffside. And on that vine is one big fat ripe red gorgeous strawberry. Guy looks up again, down again, smiles, and reaches out to take the strawberry and pop it into his mouth. It is the sweetest thing he has ever tasted.
But there wasn't much diffirence and I was struggling with breathing, and this thought was becoming louder and louder in my mind that, probably this sickness is covid, and you are not breathing well because your lungs are failing, and you should call the emergency number for covid and go to hospital maybe. So I got up, and started preparing some food and tea. While doing that, still listening to the chant, I imagined that they are singing and playing to heal me, and they are pouring healing energy on my being by this chant, and I should open up and receive their healing energy, and Thich Nhat Hanh, being who he is, I guess he can have such healing energy. This last move made some diffirecne, and breathing became easier. Then I did some walking, and maintaining a lighter focus on lower body while walking. After about 20-30 minutes of walking and preparing food and tea, I started feeling better, and for this last few hours after that, it's still like that, it's not normal, but it's much easier to breath.
Yesterday and today there were lots of energetic sensations while practicing. Lots of pinzi (tingly pins and needles, search it on this page for its definition), bright lights and intense buzzy vibrations in head, and energetic sensations in lower back, hips, base of spine, and itchy and painful ones in the upper back.
And yesterday for a few times these bright/shiny purple/violet colors appeared with eyes open (and closed), that I think is related to a state/stage change, but I don't know more. Often when they appear, there is sleepiness. My guess would be that it's Dissolution, or Equanimity. But how could I know.
In a way, you don't need to distinguish between Dissolution and Equanimity, if you are equanimitous about dissolving, and know that equanimity dissolves.
I'll continue to practice for some hours, if nothing bad happens.
I had a very sweat dream with someone who I like (I don't like this wor "like", I don't like you too "love", fuck you both, I'll replace you both with a better word, be patient), but it was short. I used to be able to do some manipulation with my dreams when I was a kid, I should try that again. I am not satisfied with certain things. We need to fuck equanimity sometimes and replace it with fire. “
Fire Walk With Me
Fire Walk With Me: my new favorite T-shirt.
Breathing was difficult but not so much. Similar to yesterday I did some practice, and again similar to yesterday, just practicing and concentrating was causing pleasant, orgasm like sensation, but that almost went away after a few hours. Then again breath started to become much more difficult. Although I keep reminding myself that this whole thing with breathing is related to emotions and etc, and I guess that is not entirely true, and part of it is related to the sickness and problem with lungs, as I come more and more to this conclusion that this sickness is covid. I don’t know if I could get a test or not, or I can only have a CT scan if I go for it, but even if I could get a test, I don’t trust these tests. None of them are good enough, and going to places like hospitals causes great discomfort for me always, and not it should be worse.
So I took that half a pill Alprazolam, and continued practice, by focusing on the body, breath, and color statics in the visual field. Now breathing is much better. Will see how it goes.
Still there is some residue of sweetness in mind because of that dream yesterday, but that damn woman is, ok, enough. This is a thing, that I get attracted to the kinds that have a problem in their personality, and I can see that problem clearly the first time that I meet someone, but still it happens.
These buzzy vibrations in the head cause my eyes to tightly close and water, and then have pain, and burning/stinging feeling, specially in my right eye which has problem, and it makes it hard to keep my eyes open sometimes. Part of is related to this sickness too, that causes burning in the eyes, similar to when I have fever, but I haven’t had fever with this sickness.
Breathing was much better for the last hours. And body was feeling better also, with less pain and burning in the breathing pathways.
Been practicing for last few hours, but I had fallen asleep. IT shows the temperature 22 C, but I feel cold, could be related to state/stage, I notice it sometimes. Also this breathing could be related to states/stages too to some extent, since I have had similar symptom in these recent years periodically (Not this intense of course). Eyes feel very painful, going to sleep now.