Log #1
Log #2

Been dealing with strong emotions all afternoon and evening. Up and down misery/disgust. Did sit after, but not much happened. Just soaked in misery nana.

Watched this video of Delson Armstrong teaching Jhanas and a quote stuck out to me. I did have my doubts on whether to allow or surpress stuff in stricter concentration practices so this was a nice affirmation.

~20 minute morning sit
Good concentration, fairly calm after yesterdays emotional purging. Slight mind tension towards end, excited sort of tension.

Some unexpected stuff came up after the morning sit. Took me a good while to figure it out. Dfd stuff it seems. Feeling into the despair really helped me figure it out. Interestingly trying to see it or inquiring didn't work very well. Feeling into it indeed is key. Sitting I felt wasn't much of an option either, but had a short 10 minute sit. Praying re-obs will be kind to me.

Also a lot of other stuff that's been plaguing me last few weeks just seemed to fall into place aswell. Insight combo! Very nice.

~15 minute evening sit (from yesterday)
Restless sit. A lot of intense buzzing frustrated energy. Had a hard time sitting still, even keeping my eyes closed. More minor insights falling into place.

23-01-2024
Fell asleep late, woke up early. Yet feeling pretty cheery and hopeful. Dfd afterglow I suppose. Going to have a coffee, enjoy it, and see what a sit brings. Earworms have sort of started, not usually an issue though.

~15 minute morning sit
Starting to feel more despair type feelings, but different from the usual ones. Feels like I haven’t had these in a couple years at least, I think related to re-obs.

~20 minute morning laying meditation
Good concentration, just basically tried to let go and focus on the breath, noting rising and falling. Started having some visions and some intense thoughts related to war. But they were both vague, the visions and thoughts. They seemed to reach some peak and then just poof, disappeared, bubble popped, and just peace and quiet. I think I might have drifted off a couple minutes, caught myself snoring. Then more vague dreamy visions of landscapes, forests, people riding atvs and boats. A lot of pain in my pelvis area aswell, pushing upwards with lines through my body up my left and right side to my head.

Re-obs hit hard around mid day. Freak out/fear type feelings. Tried to just stay calm and investigate and inquire into it. Realized the fear and freak out type feelings were trying to protect me from the deeper feelings of pain, that I previously wasn’t allowing myself to feel. Then I fell into this vulnerable space and . Things were a bit calmer after, but now things feel more like misery.

Lots of crying.

Sharp pain, intense anger, jealousy, frustration, rage.

More crying and laughing.

~10 minute sit
Soaking in misery, trying to feel into and investigate the subtleties. Some minor insights, clinging to old relationship, aversion to being alone.

Not sure if mid day was just fear or if it was actually re-obs and I was knocked back to misery, either way, made some important insight into how certain surface behaviors are cover ups for deeper stuff.

I've had those days. Don't worry too much about categorizing every emotion as a nana. When you enter dark nana experiences particularly towards re-ob there will be breakthroughs that may have you working through all manner of feelings. Totally normal. 

​​​​​​​

I see. Yeah I suppose it's not worth obsessing over. I think I just want to get some sort of grip on this stuff.

The best way to gain knowledge of the Nana's and to understand them at a deep level is through repeated practice and direct experience of them. 

It can be a little tricky because this mode of learning requires a letting go of intellectually satisfying information. 

The best way I can say it is that you're learning through the body, through the intuitive feeling capacity, without a need for any of it to make sense or add up or line up or align etc. 

Eventually you will end up with a very clear and deep understanding of the progress of insight. The way a baby learns a language. 

Also, when there's crying and painful stuff and breakthroughs or whatever. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself. Be gentle. Eat ice cream. Talk openly about stuff with anyone you might feel safe doing it with. 

From what I've read you have a good approach to meditation and investigating dukkha. So keep it up. (Ice cream, movies, bath, whatever)

"Some minor insights, craving for relationship, aversion to being alone."

​​​​​​​There can be lots of relationship stuff, interpersonal stuff, romantic and sexual stuff throughout the journey. Traumas, desires, etc. Same rules apply. 

Exactly, yeahh it's a craving for intellectual understanding.

Thanks, that's good to hear. Even though I feel like I'm making a lot of progress, I still also feel like I have no clue what I'm doing. But then again, who really knows anything.

Yes sir! Appreciate the words of encouragment and all the feedback, thank you.

~15 minute morning sit
Started a bit anxious. Investigated what I was anxious about, had a laugh.
More laughing throughout the morning, seeing through fears.

~15 minute mid day
Starting out I made some interesting insight into the shamatha practice. I noticed how when whatever my mind wanted to distract myself with came up (future rumination), I was sort of subtly trying to suppress it. And as soon as I didn’t try to suppress it, and didn’t indulge, just secluded it, there was piti. Warmth. Just as the video quote I posted a couple days ago pointed to. It still sort of nagged me throughout the sit, but it was lessened a lot so I could work on what showed up. What showed up were memories of different kinds. I noted the content, inquired some, and made connections between the memories. Connections I hadn’t seen before, and wouldn’t expect to make. So glad I decided to sit despite the anxiousness.

I usually don’t meditate (at least not shamatha) when I’m in this state because I have a hard time getting any concentration going but this really helped illuminate why and how to deal with it.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Not that much of note. A lot of pulsating bubbling energy underneath me that was mildly distracting. Had a bit of trouble keeping legs still. General sense of anxiousness or excitement, it’s not always clear which. As I’m writing this I’m realizing it was ecstatic energy. Which isn’t really always that pleasant, which adds to the murkiness. Oh well.

~20 minute afternoon sit #2
Started with some minor insight. Then unravelling of a ball of shame. Then bubbles of sadness, powerlessness. Just sat feeling and inquiring into it.

~15 minute evening sit
Continued minor insight from previous sit and it developed into a massive fear of death type insight. Life aversion type insight. Again very unexpected.

Wow, I think I'm making some good progress on my left side issues. Feelings and energy that previously would just go up my left side are now more center. Finally!! Something!!

Big insights. A lot of emotion to deal with in just a couple days hey? I like that you're honest about it and not resisting it too much. Let the patterns wash through the body. Storms serve their purpose. 

Yeah yesterday was a lot. Today was pretty chill, comparatively. Mostly just sitting with memories and subtler emotion. Some anger arose later, but not like yesterday. Still, pretty existential stuff.

Resistance is futile, pain is temporary, glory is forever.

~15 minute morning sit
Some sukha. Continuing working through past events from yesterday. Making some new connections and insight. Some piti in center channel, affirming even more that left side stuff is being cleared.
—
Pain in left pelvis area, sort of pushing up feelings. Sadness to be felt into. Was hard to really get to it fully, old suppressive patterns I suppose.
—
More just allowing things to move through. Really learning how to feel into it fully. Feels like it’s starting to release finally.

~30 minute evening sit
Some disgust stuff to begin with. Then just sitting watching. A lot of big energies moving around.

~20 minute morning sit
Working through mind content. New insights and connections being made.

—

Just sat at my computer and my cat jumped up. Started petting it and then this orgasmic bliss just came up my left side. Not really rapturous or overwhelming by any means, but interesting and nice nonetheless. Seems like my work is paying off, as this is the first I’m really having of this type of feeling.

—

Few 10-15 minute sits throughout the day. Hard time to just let things be. Disgust stage stuff. Made some insights into some repressed memories, so not entirely for naught.

Reflecting back on some events almost 10 years ago now where I think I had a big A&P event. Lots of uncontrollable white exciting type energy in where I felt like everything was sort of breaking open. I didn't break through to DN at the time, that came a few years later. But I'm first now seeing it as A&P or Kundalini.

The first time it occured was when I was driving, which was actually really dangerous, and may have added to the feelings even more. There was this white intense overwhelming energy just flowing through me from underneath and I didn't know how to deal with it. I remember stomping the floor of the car to sort of ground myself and keep myself from what felt like exploding.

I think it never got properly integrated so I'm now trying to feel back into it and integrate it. I wasn't sure why I was writing this at first, but I think it's because I just felt inspired. Which I understand can be a big part of A&P. And I do feel much more together than I usually do (better center of attention etc.), so I think I'm revisiting to some degree. Very interesting.

Going through yesterday's stuff definitely took a lot of charge out of the body. Feel much calmer in general today. Kundalini syndrome symptoms lessened even more.

~30 minute morning sit
Got decent concentration and sukha going. Some strong white energy on my right side bugged me a bit. Investigated. Eventually some memories appeared and eventually it settled. Another memory appeared with some big bubble of energy. I had investigated it before but never gotten through it properly. Just sat with the memory and the energy and it just dissipated. Guess I hadn't felt it fully, and that was it.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Started out with disgust stuff. Remembered a memory from earlier in the day when I was outside, and it was indeed related. Made a few insights into it. Ended up with some good insight into comparison and low self worth, and a lot of laughing happened.

I remember wanting to quit around the first few insights, but stuck it out for some reason, glad I did.

I've found sitting to be a lot easier and less intense today. Not that it's without it's troubles and restlessness, but it's like an intense pressure has been lifted.

~30 minute evening sit
Just very concentrated sit. Wide attention. Not much happening else than sort of sinking through layers. Some minor anger towards the end. Restful.

Nice! Keep it up.

Thanks Bahiya Baby!
~20 minute morning sit
Left side feelings acting up. Memories needed attention. Fear and sadness stuff. Body felt like a thick haze and memories were really vague and wispy, which made things easier and I didn’t get caught up in it as much, just detached watching and investigating. Some crying at the end.

—

Some more left pelvis area pain pressure. Some crying.

—

~20 minute afternoon sit
Restlessness, distracting mind content. Disgust. More crying at the end.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Disgust stuff being worked through again. Restless, uncomfortable.

—

Been pretty lethargic today, not much motivation to do much meditation. That coupled with the discomfort while sitting made it even harder. But I don’t want to miss any potential insight so forced my self to sit regardless. I think the worst of the disgust stuff is over for now. Feels like I’m moving on.

~20 minute evening sit
Very restless to begin with. Eventually settled down, but still somewhat distracted. Noted what I could. Towards the end I was seeing a lot of craving and effort to strategize/map and intellectualizing around the meditation stuff. Noted it that and this big bubble grew enormous outwards. I realized that it can be sort of a trap this mapping stuff. Then I saw my planning of writing this down, and then I noted that, and felt into the sensations that made that up. Then I realizied it’s sort of all just sensations coming and going. LOL!!

Nice, yes, cool. You're starting to notice some of the meta cognitive stuff. 

There are thoughts directing thoughts and weighing up different outcomes or possibilities at really high speed kind of ticking away under the seams. 

Lots of this going on but our thoughts about the progress of insight can be a great place to see some of that happening !! 

​​​​​​​We have to feel through everything, even and especially, our thoughtss about meditation. 

2x 20 minute morning sit
Don’t remember much. First sit felt pretty good. Then anxiousness from left side. Eventually subsided. Went to sleep after for another hour or so.

~40 minute mid day sit
More working through fear and anxiousness, feeling into past stuff. Some important stuff being revealed.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Cat kept distracting me at the start and that triggered some anger in me. So I mostly sat with that until I needed to do something more active with it as it wouldn’t release on its own.

~40 minute evening sit
Felt inspired to try goenka style body scanning after having listened to some Frank Yang interviews today. And yeah, wow. Set some stuff in motion. Unveiled some memories from the left side for instance. And afterward both mind and body felt sort of rejuvinated. Like it had gotten good rest. Very nice. I would almost have expected it to be more taxing than restful.

~20 minute morning sit
Had slept bad after watching a movie until late last night, so really didn’t feel like sitting. But I figured, maybe something good will come of it, and it did. To start off I was distracted. Reminded myself “don’t indulge in your crap!”. Put my attention on sensations and a memory popped up which gave me some good insight and sukha. Another series of memories popped up with more connections and insights. Felt like a short but effective sit, and I had a good laugh to end it seeing how it affects me today.

~25 minute mid day sit
Started off doing body scanning. Got from my head to my left arm and a lot of memories popped up again. Entire left side stuff. Exciting and sexual in nature... “don’t indulge!”. Felt the sensations, and away they went. Right arm, more memories, dark, sad. Felt into the darkness and eventually left the sit there.

~40 minute afternoon sit
It started out good. Like it felt really good. I felt like nothing could go wrong, good presence, concentration, mood was good and cheery. I knew in the back of my head that this probably wouldn’t last, but I went with it. And boom, this thought of homicidal rage caught my attention, like out of nowhere. Wasn’t sure what it was related to, but I decided to investigate. There was also this murky energy underneath me that I didn’t know whether was related or not but decided to feel into it and there were feelings of sadness and memories related to sort of rage behaviour from far in the past. Insight into what was underneath the rage, very illuminating.

~30 minute morning sit
Started restless, usual stuff. Trying not to indulge, letting it do its thing. A lot of soft and gentleness being felt into. Sort of compassionate. Some sukha. Memories showed up at the end with some insight.

~45 minute mid day sit
Not much happening. Bit restless to start with, some memories etc. Most of the sit I just felt this pressure and dullness Not really sure how to deal with it, tried investigating and feeling into. Didn’t really seem to do much.

~ 20 minute evening sit
Restless. Noticed trying to find some solidity to focus on, realized I don’t really need to. Also noticed fear of sadness, of it lasting forever. Realized that’s not true.

Been feeling really tired and shitty all day. 2 days of bad sleep, really does make a big difference. Planning on going to bed early today, hopefully get some good sits in tomorrow.

~20 minute morning sit
Some memoriess being worked through.

~45 minute mid day sit
A lot of fear/excitement energy floating around. Around the end of the sit stuff would show up in connection to the energy. Worked through some of it and ended it.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Do not remember much. More active fear type energy in body.

~5 minute outdoor sit
Sat out in the woods for a few minutes inquiring into some bodily anger and very early memories came up. Found some new connections and insights, and it revealed some interesting patterns later on.

~40 minute late evening sit
Fear turned to misery pretty early on. Sat with it, trying to feel into the sensations, noticed that there was manipulation in that. Like trying to feel into it, to get to something better, or get something out of it, like wisdom or insight. So there was some giving up in noticing that, and subsequent feeling into it more intimately.

~15 minute morning sit
Sat for a few minutes with the breath. Then decided I wanted to investigate. This worrying energy of wanting things outside  of me to be OK was there, and it’s been bugging me forever. Realized where it was from and just sat laughing the rest of the sit.
~45 minute sit
Not much of note.
~20 minute sit
Some crying.
—
Insight into past trauma. Fear, shame, threatened, darkness enveloping my body. Sudden hunger like no other...  Food, food, more food!!
—
Did a few rounds of Wim Hof style breathing. It has been too overwhelming to do in the past, I think due to part the medication I was on before, but also being overwhelmed by emotions in general.
Anyways it helped me go deeper with the squeezes than I’ve done before. Did about 5 rounds. Noticed some energy eminating from my root chakra out from my backside and then up oudside my body and up to my head.

Omg it's doubt!! I can't stop crying and laughing

I see now why it's one of the fetters, it's such a veil

Had some 20 minute sits today. Reaaally not been feeing it. Just no motivation, tired, bleh. Sleep has been feeling off too last few days. Not too short or anything, just bad quality sleep. Ugh.

Last sit was interesting though, just sat focusing on the breath in my tired state. I eventually noticed something about the way I sat, sort of exhausted, leaning my head back, sort of longingly, and in that noticing I burst out laughing, and couldn't stop for a good 5 minutes. Something about revealing that longing and seeking I think did it for me.

Hey !!

Great sits. 

With any fear or difficult emotion try to feel it and also its periphery, can be good to feel it in the wider context of the body and senses. 

Tiredness, exhaustion, boredom, etc all important to notice too. 

Keep it up and great job !!

Thanks!!

In the late evening last night I sat for over an hour just laughing in awe of just life I guess, and how crazy it can get at times. Feels like I got some better sleep because of it. Something feels more relaxed today.

Can't sit for more than 10 minutes without seeing through something and start laughing or crying, lol. Oh well, maybe later.

~30 minute sit
Some anapana to begin with. Lots of energy wanting to move around, eventually settled. Decided to try some metta. Went surprisingly well and was almost instantly filled up with bliss. Have been scared to try it, and remembered mid sit that I had been and I contracted a bit, but then just went on with the metta. I eventually just laughed at the fact I had been scared of it.

~35 minute sit
Instant bliss when I sat down this time. Did some metta to begin with, and then just sat soaking in the bliss for the rest. I think both sits have been EQ nana. I think the manic laughing yesterday was what brought me out of DN.

Had a minor freakout yesterday after seeing through some of my current shortcomings. Social anxiety has me postponing things like phone calls for days or weeks and it really showed itself while sitting yesterday. I could really see that I'm imperfect. Like I have this ingrained belief that I can do anything I put my mind to and this really popped that bubble and had me in despair. Lots of purging and shaking. I eventually took some old antipsychotic I had lying around and it knocked me out for a good 12+ hours and then got the call out the way this morning.

I feel like things are just bursting out at me today. Like tons of insight in just a couple sits.

~20 minute sit
Lots of stuff coming up, old stuff, future stuff, hard time concentrating on breath. But some emotional releases.

~10 minute sit
Again, old stuff coming up, with some important insights.

~30 minute sit
More stuff being seen, some stuff being felt into. Better concentration than previous sits.

~20 minute sit
Tried fire kasina for about 10-15 minutes. Not much was happening, had a hard time getting the image of the candlelight to stay put. It would mostly just move, or be very short. I gave up and just sat trying to investigate experience, and I got some good insight pretty quick. Sat unraveling that for the rest.

I realize now that some of the insights have left me with a sense of power... agency... independence... freedom...

Nice, relax any attachment to that as well.

You had some big breakthroughs make sure to do some self care. Take a bath, get a massage, jump out of a plane... Order takeout. (This is my weakness)

Honestly, it gets easier to answer phonecalls as you get deeper into this stuff. 

It gets easier to ace job interviews and say hello to attractive people and be there for your friends and get involved in cool stuff and solve complex problems... But on the way there may also be times when you come face to face with the patterns that have prevented you from doing these things and those patterns can be tough. 

We massage ourselves open "Ahhh wow". We grow attached to the openness and bind ourselves back up. "Darn I've really lost it now" 

​​​​​​​It carries on like that. Through different flavors and moods. But slowly one does come to greater equilibrium. 

I am Übermensch!


I've actually ordered some sweets, I suppose it'll be here by next week (I live far out in the countryside) lol


Thanks, that's good to hear. It's interesting, I didn't use to have issues like this. I would be into various forms of self improvement and I was pretty pro-active and assertive before. Some of it was disingenuous, but some of it helped me grow. But I guess it's like you say, coming face to face with the underlying patterns.


Yeah, contraction and expansion right?

Some homunculus stuff I haven’t experienced since I was very young when going to bed. Sort of nostalgic.
Had very interesting dreams, very powerful feeling. I was put in all kinds of challenging and unfair situations and I just either told them off or brushed it off.

~20 minute sit
Sat with a video of Michael Taft on how to jhana in the background. Lots of sukha and piti, very pleasant sit, good concentration.
~20 minute sit
Much more restless, lots of sukha though still. More stuff being unveiled from the big insight of yesterday, explains a lot of fixations, worries and fears.
—
Sukha and EQ feels like it permeates daily life today too.
—
Some big guilt releasing insight came while watching a TV show during the day. Quite a surprise, laughed a lot. Saw how it was a source of self sabotage, resentment and ill will.
—
~35 minute sit
Started out restless and distracted. Managed to work through it eventually to get to what was underlying. More guilt stuff being seen and felt.

~35 minute sit #2
More misery stuff it seems. Letting it do its thing for most of the sit, then some memories being worked through.

~20 minute morning sit
Disgust stuff. Strong dispassion and disenchantment with an old abusive relationship. Sent shivers through my body.

~20 minute mid day sit
More disgust stuff iirc.

~30 minute afternoon sit
Trying to just stay with experience for the first 15 minutes or so. State felt like sort of disgust or dfd and I decided to inquire “what do I need to know to move on from this state?”. A memory popped up, and I realized that it was very much dfd like, the experience had this sort of longing very dark despair to it, and when I realized the darkness just turned to sweetness. No more darkness, just sweet equanimity.

~20 minute evening sit
Very restless, irritated sort of sit. Not much to it, tried investigating, not much luck.

~30 minute mid day sit
Ok concentration. Low level fear/doubt type emotions, lot of different stuff showed up and gained some good insights.

~30 minute afternoon sit
More of the same. Pleasant sit.

~20 minute evening sit
After feeling into some old excitement type feelings from previous sits I decided to sit again. Almost instantly a big cascade of misery/disgust/despair type emotions came up and I just sat feeling it most of the sit.

~20 minute evening sit #2
Saw through some important patterns. How I’m being inauthentic with my emotions, in an attempt to accommodate others. Some heavy disgust arose with it, like I really didn’t like that I had been doing that. At the same time though I felt really fed up with it and that felt really empowering.

I'm having a hard time sleeping. I'm just so amazed. Amazed by the power of insight, how it just unravels and untangled stuff. And I don't even have to do anything. I just sit and watch. And it just keeps coming as I lie here. Amazin'.

~40 minute mid day sit
Lots of different mind stuff coming up. Some insight. What was more interesting though was that I felt like there was a lot more space and calm. I think the insight from yesterday evening is to thank. It’s like there was a lot more space and calm to look through and at things, if that makes sense. Like where there was a sort of constant occupation with inauthentic people pleasing before, there’s just space and peace.

~35 minute afternoon sit
First 20 minutes I went through some memories. Some good insight. Then I decided to just let go. My breath would become more intense and deep. After a few minutes it sort of peaked and descended again and there was some more calm. For context I had this TV show on low in the background, and for an instant it felt like my sense of self merged with whoever was talking on the show, and I was surprised and confused, like “whoa, who the hell am I?”. There was this quick back and forth between that other guy, and some small vague self image or something, and this big bubble just popped and released. And that was pretty much it.

Yes, I remember these feelings vividly. It seemed as though I had come upon a magic trick. It would excite and energize me, and I fell into the trap of thinking I was special somehow because I was a "meditator." 

Something to be aware of, I suppose.

Interesting, yeah, when I think back on it, it did feel quite special. I'm not sure I'm down the road of "I'm special" though, I kind of cringe at the thought of me being special. Perhaps the other side of the coin is something worth being aware of instead.

~35 minute morning sit
Anger came up very early in the sit, so sat with that, trying to untangle it for all of the sit.

~50 minute mid day sit
More emotions being sat with. Still amazed by the sort of space and equanimity I experience now compared to before. It continues and is such a load off and makes things so much easier to work with. The insight from the other day really did something.

~30 minute evening sit
Sat with whatever. First some fear type emotions. Felt that. Then I don’t remember what happened most of the sit. At the end though a new type of memory came to mind. A type I haven’t really experienced before, or not been aware of. It was like just an imprint on the black canvas when closing ones eyes. It was just a POV from my grandmothers kitchen with some people moving in front of me. There was no emotional content, and it didn’t feel like it was necessarily me either (not sure if it was my memory). Just black on black silhouettes of people moving and looking out a window. There was some energy releasing as it happened too. Odd.

Another thing I thought of the other night when I couldn't sleep was the importance of happiness. Like how important it is to prioritize ones own happiness, and I realize now how much I've NOT prioritized it at all. I've basically just been running from suffering, seeking alleviation externally. Like damn, happiness really does come from inside.

I think I've held the belief that happiness was sort of superfluous and fleeting, not really attainable for me, and that it was more important to keep others happy. Which is pretty fucked up now that I think about it. Let's not do that anymore.

It's f**ked up, but very very common. All humans start out hard-wired to be this way and there can be little pockets of the mind that stay in this other-directed mode. I discovered one way I was still doing this while in my 50's (!)

For what it's worth, I found this psychological paradigm really helpful in giving me a way to think about "other directedness" and other classic psychological challenges:

The Ultimate Guide to Early Maladaptive Schemas [Full List] (attachmentproject.com)

Another paradigm that was interesting to me was "co-dependency" and the work of Pia Mellody. Very interesting stuff, especially how a parent/adult can be the "person who gets to be right and define reality", which forces a child to have to bend their true perceptions and personal priorities into something that is "acceptable" to the parent/adult. 

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives: Mellody, Pia, Miller, Andrea Wells, Miller, J. Keith: 9780062505897: Amazon.com: Books 

Yeah, it's classic co-dependent, people pleasing patterns. I've been aware of it for a long time but it's first now I seem to get real experiential insight into it.

2x 20 minute sits
Some minor insights in first sit. A cascade of big ones in the second sit. Approval/acceptance seeking behaviours seen through.

~35 minute sit
Mostly just letting things happen. Seeing things, things sort of imploding and collapsing... Not much of note.

~30 min sit
Not much of note, felt kind of overwhelmed at the end so called it quits.

Yes and...

​​​​​​​I am a very emotional person and I have dealt with a lot of trauma and so on. That type of thing was almost always baked into my meditative journey. 

If you're anything like me, make sure to have a good self-care protocol in place. Make sure to have someone to talk to. I always recommend cultivating at least one non-romantic friendship in which you can speak candidly about your experience. It did me the world of good. 

Things like therapy, journeying and even personal research into these areas can be a great support to insight. 

In a way it can feel good to have a lot of big breakthroughs. It can feel like "at last I'm getting to the heart of things". It's a good thing but you do have to take care of yourself and you don't want to burn yourself out. Be gentle 

Interesting. I was never really emotional. Sensitive, sure, but I wouldn't show emotion easily. I don't really do now either, but I allow myself to feel more often. Something I'm still learning to do. And I actually crave it I think, and I need it. Especially a good cry. That's the one I really long for.



Thanks, it does really feel that way. And yeah, thinking back I have been pushing quite hard lately.

~40 minute mid day sit
So interesting sit. A bit of restlessness and low level fear stuff was there throughout. At first I just left them. And I could notice how it became more and more a part of the background. Like What I was seeing, and I guess being was much deeper. And the emotions were just sort of static in the background, like I’ve never experienced before. Then eventually they took more of my attention and I think I spent most of it trying to inquire into them.

~20 minute afternoon sit
Kept nodding off. Tried staying aware of the tiredness. Eventually took a nap.

~30 minute evening sit
Just tried to relax and not have any expectations or pressure to achieve anything. Just enjoyed being. 30 minutes flew by.

Had a somewhat emotional day yesterday. Lots of sadness and trying to feel into it. Was very vague, no real memory attached to it. I did have a few sits á 20 min, some insight in the last sit but the others weren't that much of note. Was also very tired despite having slept good. Slept a good ammount last night too though so I do feel more rested today, which is nice.

Have had 4x20 minute sits today. Some pushy sort of "oh shit" type feelings have been coming up today, so been investigating and inquiring into that.

Motivation to practice has been low last couple days, I think due to tiredness, but will see if it persists I guess. Going to continue either way but I feel my sits aren't as focused due to it.

It's like my mind has gone into hibernation. I don't think I've had an insight all week. There's been emotions needing to be felt, but I can't recall having more than one or two insights. Just tiredness and a lot of sleeping. But it's actually kind of nice and mellow. I don't feel as run by the old stuff. Side effect of giving up old patterns I suppose.

I've also been getting minor headaches last couple days. I never have them unless I'm really sick or really hung over, so that's an interesting change. I think it's due to energetic shifts. I've been noticing energy moving more inside of me rather than outside me, sort of in line with seeing through the people pleasing stuff, as if this seeking/giving outside of me is stopping. I'm thinking it's related. Or maybe I'm just getting old and need to drink more water. Interesting change either way.

Things are seeming more back to normal now. Insights happening again both on and off the cushion. Had a hard time falling asleep after some emotional releases yesterday, but have been getting some good sleep past week (10-12h per night lol) so it's not too bad.

~20 minute morning sit
Lots of fear type hindrances needed to be dealt with. Not focused at all, very fidgety and aversion-y sit.

~25 minute mid day sit
Found the source of the fear after the previous sit, good insight. Made the sit a lot smoother in terms of focus and calm. Some minor insight calmed things further and I felt very rested coming out of it.

~30 minute evening sit
Got pretty good concentration going. Eventually started investigating and deconstructing the sense of observer. And I started out seeing it as like a solid mass behind my eyes sort of. And I was thinking if that's the observer, is it then watching the sensations? Like the eye of Sauron? And I thought no, because I can also watch that thing behind my eyes. And it sort of expanded. But then what's watching? I can see what's being seen. I could see the thing behind my eyes, so that can't be it. But what's seeing? Whomst? I don't know why this question has me so intrigued all of the sudden.

I keep sleeping like a rock. I slept until 1pm today, something I haven't done in forever. Guess it's something I need, and come to think of it I've been wanting it for a long time. It's odd when it's actually happening though, I'm not really used to it. And I sort of feels like I'm losing some control, which is kinda freaky, but I guess it allways is a bit unsettling when things change and you have to give up control.

It might just be coincidental or not important but I recently went through a period where I was sleeping for like 11 or 12 hours a night. On and off for about two weeks. It was weird and not like me. 

I also had a pretty solid sense of a watcher for a while. For a few weeks (maybe?) I kind of identified with it and thought maybe it was going to be sort of a permanent thing, but no. It's completely gone now. I used to be able to get back to it in meditation but I can't even do that now. It's gone. 

​​​​​​​

Interesting, yeah I don't think it's that weird when I think back. I've gone pretty hard on meditation for about 50 days, 1.5-2.5h per day (from not having meditated at all for 6-7 years), and I have been having a lot of insights that had me give up old neurotic seeking/giving patterns, and I think that has contributed to it. That's at least what I'm taking from it. Could be a mix of things really though, I'm still adjusting to medication aswell.

About the watcher, it's like this solidity in the back of my head just expanded to a bigger less dense bubble. It's still sort of there but more vague.

Meditation hasn't really been the same last couple weeks due to the sleeping, but hopefully I'll get back into it better after this settles.

I don't know if it will track with you in the same way. In fact, it won't. But it did, in retrospect seem to move in a similar way for me. It went from a sort of solid feeling thing to a back of the head, more blob-y sensation, to me realizing that even the noticing of it was just more thought. Or, there was an actual sensation, but my identification and the narrative I was concocting about it, things like "what it would turn into" or "where this experience was placing me on some kind of map" was all just thought still trying to grab onto something.&nbsp;<br /><br />Ni Nurta said something around that time that hit me. Something like "what is it that is awakening?" Or "what is it that feels like it is awakening?" I took this to be the pointing out of nothing is awakening from anything. As that sort of came online it became apparent that nothing is "awakening" at all. It couldn't because it already is what it is. Not in a "hey man, it is what it is" sort of hippy-chill way, but actually in reality.&nbsp;<br /><br />this led to, or corresponded to, the disappearance of the watcher feeling. At first I tried to get back to it, thinking it was something I needed to further this "process" but something else was left when it disappeared.&nbsp;<br /><br />I realized, having gone from never meditating for more than a few seconds, to enjoying meditation (like one would enjoy sex, or a chocolate cake) and really being able to stay with it for long periods, to realizing the two things are not actually connected. Not to say meditation isn't good or necessary for things—it does nice things for the body and mind, physiologically, but the idea that it's the meditation causing or affecting THIS in any way was not true. I still do it. It's very enjoyable, but it's just not connected to whatever THIS is.&nbsp;

I think it was more like the fact that I could see it that did it for me. I could see the thing behind my eyes, and because I could see it, it made me realize that it was not a source of seeing at all, and that sort of dissolved/expanded it.

Yeah the idea of meditating can be quite odd or absurd or even comical if you think enough about it.

Had some anger release last couple days so things have settled nicely today I feel. Although I did have some unsettling nightmares last night.
Haven’t sat a whole lot last week or so due to some real life issues, also the sleeping thing has had me sort of unmotivated. Trying to get back into it.

~20 minute morning sit
Calm sit. Made some interesting insights.

—

Couple interesting things today. There’s this girl I’ve know for a good 12 years or so. And last couple years I’ve been realizing how much I love her, but I didn’t want to move things forward due to me dealing with DN and trauma issues, and there’s the distance, we live far apart. Anyways, I see her posting what looks like someone she’s seeing, and I’m a bit surprised, and there was some frustration and anger, but then there was also this freedom, like now I can sort of call of the search, stop persuing it in my mind. Very interesting. I don’t even know if it’s someone she’s seeing, I haven’t asked, could just be a friend, but STILL, how just the possibility gave such a sense of freedom. Crazy. It also felt motivating in a sense, like motivating me to care for my own happiness in myself, rather than by external means. Absolutely fascinating.

There has also been this sort of dread and what i thought has been despair and meaninglessness lately coming up, probably in relation to all the sleeping. And I realized today that it was just plain boredom. And realizing it just took a lot out of it.

Been dealing with some intense stuff all day, I think re-obs. Something released this evening like it hasn't before though. Like this heady trauma energy was felt through and released. And then later some darkness just turned into light and also released, big wow moment.

When I began meditation I noticed I had a lot of stuff bound up in love and sex and romance. I made the decision early on to refrain from romantic relationships and despite my rakish charm and devilish bad looks even spent some considerable spans of time in celibacy. I look back on that decision rather fondly. I think it was good for me and many of my close friends agree I'm now in a much better place to be in a relationship if I wanted. I don't write this to recommend my approach more so to commend you for recognizing that your dark night could be traumatic for another person. Developing that level of insight into your own suffering is important and is the beginning of understanding "karma" and how our suffering effects other people. 

I nearly strayed into offering dating advice here. May the Lord forgive me my wickedness. 

Thanks for the commendation Bahiya Baby

Yeah it's not a good state to try to love someone from. I've been through the rigamarole a few times and it's never worked out particularly well, the last one particularly as it was a cluster b type person.

I hope I'm not oversharing here by the way. I've notice my medication has sort of left me with less of a social filter...

~30 minute morning sit
Calm and pleasurable sit. After yesterdays release things feels a lot more peaceful and lighter. Subtle sukha.

~30 minute mid day sit
More of the same, just delightful. Noted some boredom.

~30 minute evening sit
Same same. Not much of note.

Just had a 15 minute sit and I'm realizing I've actually never been in love before. The feeling I have for this person I've never had in any previous relationship. It's either been this weird infatuation, attachment, aversion or addiction. This is so different! I've never actually had this feeling for anybody I think. Crazy.

~25 minute mid day sit
20 minute anapana and a few minutes of metta at the end. Realized that I have in fact felt love for people before. Not very many, maybe a handful over my entire life. And it’s like it’s not really a feeling either, it’s more of a lack of negative emotion towards them I guess, despite having gone through stuff. Just love. Whatever that is.

~60 minute evening sit
Made a resolve to sit 60 minutes unless things got too intense. There was this right side stuff bugging me throughout. Tried feeling into it but wouldn’t really go. Dry insight to begin with. Then my legs started hurting. I tried sitting with it, but eventually got too painful and I had to change posture for a while. Then after a while I got really restless and distracted. I think it felt sort of pointless with all the posture changes. Also if the right side stuff hadn’t been so distracting I might have gotten more out of it, at least in terms of insight.  Learning experience for future sits I suppose. Deal with emotional imbalances first, and find a way to sit longer without getting leg pain.

Profound states of love, or whatever else, come and go. While they might be significant experiences in the moment the narratives we attach to them may not always have lasting importance. Sometimes our narratives are just ways of reflecting things we're feeling. While they may seem to lead somewhere they're usually rather transient and rarely do a better job communicating the truth of things than direct perception. 

Work with the notion that despite whatever insight or breakthrough or profound experience you have, it may not give you, and you may not have, any clear understanding of it, you may not be able to actually know anything about your experience, how does that feel? If you can catch yourself narrativizing new revelations or seeking insights to narrativize then remind yourself of this. 

​​​​​​​"I do not know what anything is" 

​​​​​​​It's normal, as we crack through certain layers of protective armor to have some heart open and vulnerable authentic experiences. We usually try to use narrative or some neurotic kazooistry to reify these states. To convince ourselves that at last now we are loving, in love, blissful, free and compassionate when the reality is always that these states and the stories we tell about them are transient, ever changing.

​​​​​​​Sometimes over sharing is part of the practice. 

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

"I know nothing" was actually the first realization I had when I had my A&P into DN event, along with "I am nothing". It keeps coming back sometimes when I try to disect things. It's a humbling and freeing reminder.

Trying to get my posture right after my last 60 minute sit. I usually sit on my bed with my back against the wall, but with longer sits my legs get stiff and painful. I also have a Zafu cushion, but on that my legs fall asleep. I tried kneeling, but that didn't work either, as I have pretty meaty legs, both genetically I think, but also from powerlifting. Sitting on a chair seems to work, but I really prefer sitting closer to the ground. Thinking I might try to make a bench.

Nothing beats the bench!

I had a spare square that I had built as accoustic panels for my room that I cut in the middle, making two benches to test a couple different heights. My understanding is that they should be 17 degrees and I think I managed that without having the proper tools by doing some maths. Going to try some different things with pillows and yoga mats to get it right. Probably need some time to adjust too as my ankles felt a bit stiff. It felt good sitting on it though, different but in a good way.

Haven't updated much last few days. My internet was gone for a couple days and there's not that much interesting happening practice wise. Sleep seems back to normal. Some anxiety and despair keeps coming up around an upcoming doctors visit though, which sucks. Trying to investigate why.

Mildly interesting sit this morning though. This intense feeling I remember having as a kid when I was really sick, vomiting, high fever etc. came up. Sat with it for a bit and then labled it as disgust and away it went.

Trying to sit every day with the bench to stretch my ankles and get them used to the position. I really like the bench because it gives a completely different feel to it. More energized. But I can't sit for more than 10-15 minutes due to my ankles, but that's fine for now. It also puts my back in a very nice stretch, the first sit I had with it I just sat on it strectching my back in this position that just felt orgasmic.

Healing more and more stuff through insight. My mind/body feels totally different from when I started sitting daily about 80 days ago now. I notice that motivation to sit has lowered quite a lot, I'm having to force myself to sit more and more, but I understand that is natural. Trying to keep at it.

I've had a period of a couple weeks where things have felt hopeless and meaningless, and I indulged in it, let myself sort of be defeated by it. Then I remembered to just note it, and away it went again.

Nothing has really changed in terms of practice. I try to investigate hindrances whenever they come up. Investigate triggers and emotion as they come up and investigate connected memories. Investigation goes on vigilantly throughout the entire day.

Sometimes practice can be kind of relentless, especially the investigating/releasing old baggage aspect, it never seems to end (and because the mind is always looking for it, it can be hard to realize how far we've come). 

One fun thing you could try is every 10th or 20th thing just say "and I'm just going to let this one be as it is, no need to do anything with this one"... and then watch your mind. It will probably go through a mini drama, half your mind relieved, half your mind feeling obligated to keep practice. Just watch the tv show of "drama about practice and not practicing," It's a fun thing to experiement with every so often because sometimes practice can become a little neurotic. It's okay to be silly every so often.  

It's also good to do this every so often because eventually the trauma releasing becomes very automatic, but you have to learn to trust the mind more and more. So telling the mind "you figure out this one on your own" every so often can ultimately be a very wise thing to do. 

I really do admire the utter willingness and sheer dedication to be of help to those who seek freedom from suffering. 

Wishing you all the best S! Good man!  

Interesting, will try that.

Slight changes as of late. Last few days I've been very active compared to before. Feels like the antidepressants are beginning to work. I've also released some fear stuff too which has given me more space and energy I feel like. For instance I've been cleaning my house on and off for 3 days now, something I really needed to do. And it feels very natural and actually somewhat exciting, as opposed to before when it was just a dread to even get started.

Motivation to sit is still a bit down, not sitting as much as before. But something interesting that happened earlier today while sitting, I was playing with cues to "just be aware but not indulge (in mind content)" and it felt like things became so much more spaceous and open. Very nice and interesting.

Nice! Continue to explore spaceous and open but bare in mind... The trick to exploring that is "just be aware" don't try to jump to open spaceousness. You can let awareness open up into it.  

Duly noted, thanks

 Do you have a base mat (zabuton) under your bench, like this? I let my feet hang off of the zabuton, which reduces the strain on the ankles. The height of any secondary like the black block I use can also make a difference to the strain on the ankles. There should be a setup in which you do not feel pain, even after a long time, but it may take time to find it. I sometimes have problems with my knees and I have to adjust but its always possible to find something that works. 

I do not, that makes a lot of sense. I should probably get one, lol.

Was at the doctors today. I don't go to the town where I live much (I live in a rural area outside of town), in fact I avoid it like the plague due to associations with past stuff. It went a lot better than expected though, I didn't freak out, and it went the way I wanted, so I'm both relieved and happy about it.

I haven't sat as much lately (20-50 min daily) due to anxiety about the visit. Hopefully now I can get back into it more.

I am from a small village my self. It is a place made almost entirely of burnt bridges, missed opportunities and a hell of a lot of days that didn't go my way. I know the struggle. I hope your health is alright. 

Thanks Bahiya!

My physical health is fine, the visit was regarding my psychological health. The psychiatric system is overburdened where I live so I have to visit a medical doctor for my issues atm, which is fine, the meditation is working. I just need time, something they're willing to give me, thankfully

A few notes from previous days sits.

29/3

10 min morning sit
After releasing some heavy energy from my right side yesterday I felt a lot more centred this morning. Was able to get good concentration in the short sit. Felt restless and excited, which made me quit early. Should probably have sat with it more.

15 minute sit
Don’t remember

20 minute lying meditation
Takeaway: I have the right to stand up for myself.

30/3

15 minute morning sit
Exploring some thoughts and emotions.

20 min afternoon sit
Dealing with hindrances first 10 or so minutes. Some left side stuff bothered me and I felt into it. First had an insight about the experience. Then something compelled me to continue, then another insight was gained. Weird how that works, like I somehow know there’s more.

20 min evening sit
Investigated mind content first half. Not much happening. Then eventually I played with cues to just let go. Somerthing let go for sure, felt like something deepened, became slightly more blissful and then some deeper emotions surfaced. Very interesting.

01/04
15 minute evening sit
Nothing special happening in the sits. Insight happens into past stuff. Churning through.
Sits in general are getting calmer and less distracted. Not necessarily focused, but the hindrances aren’t as bad as they used to be.
Sitting frequency is back again, although motivation isn’t really. There’s this apathy that’s quite prevalent in my life atm. I think it’s at least partly related to medication.

02/04

15 minute morning sit
Not much of note.

35 minute afternoon sit
Nice peaceful and restful sit. Time went by fast. A big part of me didn’t want to end the sit.


I forget to log sits sometimes, so not all of them are logged.
I've sat more than I have the last few weeks though, and the week isn't even over so it's looking up in terms of hours put in.


I've dealt with a lot of lethargy, exhaustion and lack of focus lately so I've decided to try to limit mindless tasks throughout the day like scrolling instagram etc. I actually deleted the app and I'm going to try being more mindful of my activities during the day. It actually felt somewhat relieving deleting it, which was surprising.
I've never really been mindlessly scrolling much, but as I switched my meds about 9 months ago, I felt that it was the only thing that could get my mind somewhat off the anxiety I was dealing with at the time. Now that it's more or less gone I feel it's a good time to make the switch.

Had some interesting insights last sit. I decided to try noting, something I realized I hadn't really been doing properly. My sits had been mostly shamatha based, and I was just looking for insights in past stuff or working through currently active emotions. Not really doing vipassana.

Couple things of note:
I could see how I unconciously used breath as a sort of refuge for either some safety or comfort.
I could clearly see breath as continous ever changing. And I was starting to see some flickering or quick segmenting of reality.

Very interesting. Going to incorporate this more.

Hi,

Now might be a good time to re-read mctb chapter 24, From content to insight

Cheers,
​​​​​​​O

I will have a read for the first time Olivier (I've only really read 3C and insight stages), thanks for the tip!

Ah, lucky you!
Then, I would strongly recommend also reading about the five spiritual faculties and seven factors of awakening, as well as the "Aegean Stables" chapter.
​​​​​​​Cheers

Will do, thanks Olivier.

Log #4