Log #1
Log #2
Log #3

Figured I might do a quick recap for context with some history of my spiritual journey.

2008-2018
Practiced different types of shamatha periodically, never really that invested, mostly for the calm and presence it would provide in daily life. I was more into self improvement at the time. Did a couple weekend retreats whenever my father would suggest it (he was always more invested and practiced a lot more than me. Still does, but I don't think he's been past A&P)

2015 I got into a bad relationship, leading me to start seeing how my past was pretty fucked up. CPTSD and codependency identified.

Drug induced psychotic break/A&P event around 2016. Depersonalization and derealization, stopped practicing entirely. Some intense kundalini type stuff came to surface but subsided.

2018-2023
2018 I had my first real sort of awakening experience. I had quit my job as I wasn't able to manage it properly due to dealing with a lot of suffering. At home one night listening to a Mooji talk in the background while doing other things. Had been experimenting with going more inwards after having some luck gaining some insight into a past experience a month or so earlier. Experimenting with things like opening up and experiencing things in my body and letting go, that's the best way I can describe it I think. Anyways, not really actively listening to the talk, but something drew my attention to something he was saying about someone's question about fear I think. "Take that to it's very end" I believe he said, and I figured I could apply that to what I was doing, opening up, going inwards. So I did. There was this sort of sucking inwards, completely letting go, and I had the realization that "I know nothing, I AM Nothing". Then it was like everything turned inside out. As if before I was at the cause of the universe, and after I was causing it, sort of. 'Nothing' was no longer a blasé thing used in conversation, it was like a new reality; consciousness, or god. Big shift in how I perceived the world, something that's still unchanged. I was laughing like a mad man at this new realization and it's implications. What were my friends going to think about me being nobody? Was I going to go mad? I knew I wasn't and that this was "IT", but something about the image of being in a padded cell with a straitjacket on was funny to me, it was like nothing could touch this insight or reality.

Dark Night pursued, I was mostly into neo advaita stuff, just watching on youtube at the time, reading some Ramana Maharshi sparsly. No practice. I always had with me that the only way out was through, so that helped a lot to begin with, and things weren't too bad to start, but eventually got really really bad. I eventually was helped with some medication by the emergency psychiatry, and it helped me sleep, which I wasn't doing much of. But the side effects were bad, exasperating otherwise relatively mild kundalini symptoms, and I didn't realize how bad it was until I went off about a year ago, thinking it was just normal DN stuff. So I feel that could have prevented a LOT of suffering.

Mid 2023 I switched medication, trying a couple different ones. Took about 6 months to get right. Then started sitting again mid december with good success. Was gaining a lot of psychological insight daily, CPTSD symptoms are lessening, my mind and body is starting to heal and feel more normal again. I'm not without my problems yet though, I still have a lot of aversion and ill will at times. But, I find ways to deal with it both on and off the cushion.

I'm not too worried about where I am on the insight stages, I don't notice them as much as I used to. I am eager to eventually get stream entry though, so that is my goal for now.

Best wishes with the new log! 

Question; The C in CPTSD is for "Combat" right? 

Thanks Papa, appreciate it.

The C is for Complex, meaning the trauma happened over a prolonged time, rather than a single event.

Oh I see! Thanks for the clarification! 

That Mooji talk about "take that to the end" is so true in Satipathanna. Basically in Noting the fear to the end (until it passes away). 
 
As there is never anything other than THIS fleeting NOW we can really only ever know THIS. Not the past second not previous second (so to speak) so it really ought to be simple but it's not for some reason. Why is that? 

What is it that dangles about arise-passed stuff? 

This which dangles on and on about can be with to the end (until it passes away). We can note it and unpack it. 

We see there is an agenda to it. We see it has a sense of time. We see there is an issue of ownership with it. We see body sensations associated with it. We see mind images associated with it etc ... then it passes away and different stuff takes place etc ... 

Just rumbling here to keep you company!  

I think he was talking about it in a more psychological sense, his teaching is much more advaita. I think he meant that the questioner should inquire deeper than the surface level fear.

What you're saying is true nontheless. I'm just as of today getting the hang of the noting stuff, which I noted in the previous log. I feel it got me fired up to practice more, like a subtle shift.

Always appreciate the company and feedback from everyone on here, keep it coming.

I had a similar experience with something Angelo Dillulo said while casually listening. Somewhere I heard that just listening to these things would keep you in the right headspace.
i was listening to bunches of things on autoplay on YouTube. I drive a lot for work and would listen to hours a day. Everything from Terence McKenna to Roger Penrose, Iain McGhilchrist, to the monk in New Zealand with the nice voice (forget her name. Jayasari?) 

anyway, Angelo had this video about the fastest way through and he said: "believe no thought." I don't know why it hit me like it did but I was immediately drawn to this idea and started not believing everything, the good, the bad, any idea that came, I stopped believing in.

within a few weeks it started to pay off. "Nope" became a mantra. It was a form of noting I think but it applied to every thought. They started to slow down and become even more like just background noise. 

That's very interesting Brian, thanks for sharing.

I love listening to McKenna, both Terence and Dennis.

Thoughts are thoughts. They come and go. An itch is an itch. Comes and goes. 

Try not to make a serious issue from experiences. They come and go away. 

Chris Marti told me something which stayed with me "it's not about what we experience but how we look at it". 

Believing and disbelieving are radical opposites. Middle way, instead of leaning into any of the sides. 

Me disbelieving my thoughts creates an agenda of sorts. Thinking becomes the "bad thing". Something that is working against my awakening. Subtle or strong ill will can form. 

Instead of disbelieving the thoughts try and welcome the guests which arrive and pass away in your mind. 

Thoughts and related feeling tones and body sensations arise and you say with a smile "ok friend"  

Ok friend.  

Its more useful to look at these "guests" as Selfing beings arising and passing away in the wheel of Samsara. Compassion and loving kindness for all the selfing beings arising-passing through your mind. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

I took "believe no thought" in the spirit of simply not believing them, not following or creating a narrative around them, rather than believing they were not true in some objective sense, which is really just another belief. 

like the difference in not believing there is a god as opposed to believing there IS no god. Subtle difference I guess. 

this was really just the beginning of being able to practice noting in any real way. I saw your video on noting outloud and really enjoyed the aesthetic of it, but I still haven't been able to functionally turn it into my own practice. But "believe no thought" has kind of mellowed into what you said about "hello old friend." At first it was kind of militant and harsh. I see how that could re-ify itself into a trap. I get myself into plenty of those. 

Interesting sit just now. Noting, 20 minutes. Was noting stuff for a good 15 minutes or so, nothing out of the ordinary. Then I was noticing how my looking for something to note was almost a bit too excited, and I think that relaxed a bit. Then I realized I had forgot what I was doing, like I forgot something important, and I couldn't remember. Then I realized I had forgot my breath. And in going back to noting it I had a thought that my breath wasn't really there, it didn't really exist. Like I could hear and feel it still, but it was like a sort of mind layer and associated sensations around my breath wasn't really real. Then stuff started to disolve pretty intensely, like firmer sensations and tensions in my body, boundaries and I was on the verge of rapture, but I think it was coming on a bit strong so I decided to stop.

This is my second time doing intense noting and the both times have yielded pretty fascinating results. I'm kind of amazed at the power of this technique.

Something else I've noticed since my fist noting session is around tiredness. Before when I was tired I would notice my mind being very tired along with my body. Mind would get very tired, fuzzy, hard to concentrate, unfocused. But after that session my mind has been just a lot sharper. Even when sleepy, and needing a mid day nap or something, my mind has just been so clear and still focused. My body is what's mostly affected and not my mind as much.

Nice one  

Yeah when the mind buys into the noting "rhythm" it can create strange stuff. I mean for me the strongest and strangest experience that came out of my Noting Aloud practice (pre-SE) was a very visceral doughnut-shaped dark grey and very dynamic cloud arising from our wooden floor, very tiny at the start then getting wider and bigger rather fast and then PUFF! would vanish into its center and then arise again and on and on and on  ... so after a few minutes I got bored by it and wondered "is there anything else going on besides this cloud?" so I noted all the other stuff as well. My teacher at the time Kenneth Folk said "Good stuff!" for letting go of that very visceral cloud coming out of my floor and vanishing back into it and instead wondering what else is going on. 

Wow thanks for the recap. I wish I could keep track of everyone's logs, but that helped. It normally feels like I'm jumping in at some random point but now it will be easy to follow. C:

"I'm kind of amazed at the power of this technique."

Yeah me too. It's kind if nuts

Damn, that's wild. Were those visual too or just visceral?

I heard Frank Yang had some pretty wild stuff happen, having sex with midgets and things like that. And I take the point that it's not worth making anything of it. Still, pretty mind blowing.

I do notice myself getting more motivated to practice though, due to having these experiences, I guess because it feels like it's giving something.


That's great, glad it's helpful. I hadn't really made one so figured it would be good to.

Good stuff! Fast noticing does interesting things to the mind !

"Damn, that's wild. Were those visual too or just visceral?"

English ain't my mother tongue hence mistakes! I meant more like vivid visual. Very real cloud 2 meters infront of me. As real as the floor it's arising from and passing into. I was meditating with open eyes as I so often did during noting aloud. 

No worries, same here. My mother was an English teacher though so I think it might have rubbed off

Did some noting yesterday. It plunged me into a memory I didn't know was kind of meaningful in terms of getting better. A couple of them actually, and things calmed down pretty drastically. Very nice.

Did some noting today, 20 minutes. Got some good insight into impermanence around my emotions and states. I could more clearly see how my sit had progressed from sort of normal, slightly excited, eventually to frustrated and disgusted, flighty, wanting to quit, then to opening up, piti, bliss, slight excitement/joy. Very interesting.