relbatnrut's practice log

relbatnrut, modified 10 Months ago.

relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 10 Join Date: 11/25/18 Recent Posts
My primary hope for this log is that more experienced meditators might be kind enough to offer me some feedback. 

I've been practicing with more commitment for about 2 years now (~6 years of on and off practice). Started off with TMI, went on a Goenka retreat in December 2018, and have since dabbled in that style of body scanning, "just sitting," metta, jhana practice, and noting. Regardless of the particular practice, my sits have generally started with ~10-20 minutes of samatha style practice and then the remainder of the hour in vipassana style practice. Currently I've been starting off with metta, playing around with entering (very light) jhana if my mind feels inclined, and then noting for the rest of the time. I also do walking meditation in the afternoon, noting for however long my walk around the city takes (usually an hour and a half or so).

I like the idea of the maps and I'm familiar with MCTB(II), but really have no idea where I am on them. I've had a number of pretty powerful psychedelic experiences (including one quite traumatic one 4 years ago) and one lightning bolt of energy style experience on retreat in June 2019 (at the time I thought it might have been stream entry; this seems pretty unlikely now). Everything after that has been more or less muddling through, so maybe the dark night. Until that retreat experience I was a little neurotic about the stages, but these days I don't give as much thought to mapping (because it seems like a futile endeavor).


On to the log. Happy to expand on any of the above if helpful. Please also do let me know if these logs are less than ideally formatted for constructive feedback emoticon 

8/3/19
Walking meditation, evening
- Drifting into thought often
- Noting frustration, pain, anxiety, fear, tension quite a bit
- Feelings of doing this wrong, hopelessness, craving for going on retreat to figure it all out
- Any pleasure immediately followed by observing clinging, then aversion to the feeling of clinging
- Losing concetration when I walk by people, preceded by noting "fear"
- Once or twice a feeling like I stepped back a level and feelings seem more objective, less painful--then I find myself noting "clinging" as I try to hold on to that pleasant feeling
Tim Farrington, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 2470 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
relbatnrut:
My primary hope for this log is that more experienced meditators might be kind enough to offer me some feedback. 

I've been practicing with more commitment for about 2 years now (~6 years of on and off practice). Started off with TMI, went on a Goenka retreat in December 2018, and have since dabbled in that style of body scanning, "just sitting," metta, jhana practice, and noting. Regardless of the particular practice, my sits have generally started with ~10-20 minutes of samatha style practice and then the remainder of the hour in vipassana style practice. Currently I've been starting off with metta, playing around with entering (very light) jhana if my mind feels inclined, and then noting for the rest of the time. I also do walking meditation in the afternoon, noting for however long my walk around the city takes (usually an hour and a half or so).

I like the idea of the maps and I'm familiar with MCTB(II), but really have no idea where I am on them. I've had a number of pretty powerful psychedelic experiences (including one quite traumatic one 4 years ago) and one lightning bolt of energy style experience on retreat in June 2019 (at the time I thought it might have been stream entry; this seems pretty unlikely now). Everything after that has been more or less muddling through, so maybe the dark night. Until that retreat experience I was a little neurotic about the stages, but these days I don't give as much thought to mapping (because it seems like a futile endeavor).


On to the log. Happy to expand on any of the above if helpful. Please also do let me know if these logs are less than ideally formatted for constructive feedback emoticon 

8/3/19
Walking meditation, evening
- Drifting into thought often
- Noting frustration, pain, anxiety, fear, tension quite a bit
- Feelings of doing this wrong, hopelessness, craving for going on retreat to figure it all out
- Any pleasure immediately followed by observing clinging, then aversion to the feeling of clinging
- Losing concetration when I walk by people, preceded by noting "fear"
- Once or twice a feeling like I stepped back a level and feelings seem more objective, less painful--then I find myself noting "clinging" as I try to hold on to that pleasant feeling

hi, uh, relbatnrut (gonna need a nickname fast, lol), and welcome to the DharmaOverground. You'll find this a good sangha, I hope, and get your feedback from the various angles of many seasoned meditators, enough that you will probably get completely confused and have to go back to school and study rocket science or brain surgery or something else simple and straightforward, lol.

Your practice routine sounds strong and committed, and i love the one-two punch of shamatha and vipassana in your sits. So much of the path is just that simple practice without a greater view, likie climbing through forest that only opens out into broader vistas at certain breaks and crags on the mountain. Meanwhile, keep feet moving. 

Again, welcome, my friend. May your practice bear its fruits for all sentient beings, and also not destroy everything you once held dear.

love, tim
relbatnrut, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 10 Join Date: 11/25/18 Recent Posts
Tim Farrington:
relbatnrut:
My primary hope for this log is that more experienced meditators might be kind enough to offer me some feedback. 

I've been practicing with more commitment for about 2 years now (~6 years of on and off practice). Started off with TMI, went on a Goenka retreat in December 2018, and have since dabbled in that style of body scanning, "just sitting," metta, jhana practice, and noting. Regardless of the particular practice, my sits have generally started with ~10-20 minutes of samatha style practice and then the remainder of the hour in vipassana style practice. Currently I've been starting off with metta, playing around with entering (very light) jhana if my mind feels inclined, and then noting for the rest of the time. I also do walking meditation in the afternoon, noting for however long my walk around the city takes (usually an hour and a half or so).

I like the idea of the maps and I'm familiar with MCTB(II), but really have no idea where I am on them. I've had a number of pretty powerful psychedelic experiences (including one quite traumatic one 4 years ago) and one lightning bolt of energy style experience on retreat in June 2019 (at the time I thought it might have been stream entry; this seems pretty unlikely now). Everything after that has been more or less muddling through, so maybe the dark night. Until that retreat experience I was a little neurotic about the stages, but these days I don't give as much thought to mapping (because it seems like a futile endeavor).


On to the log. Happy to expand on any of the above if helpful. Please also do let me know if these logs are less than ideally formatted for constructive feedback emoticon 

8/3/19
Walking meditation, evening
- Drifting into thought often
- Noting frustration, pain, anxiety, fear, tension quite a bit
- Feelings of doing this wrong, hopelessness, craving for going on retreat to figure it all out
- Any pleasure immediately followed by observing clinging, then aversion to the feeling of clinging
- Losing concetration when I walk by people, preceded by noting "fear"
- Once or twice a feeling like I stepped back a level and feelings seem more objective, less painful--then I find myself noting "clinging" as I try to hold on to that pleasant feeling

hi, uh, relbatnrut (gonna need a nickname fast, lol), and welcome to the DharmaOverground. You'll find this a good sangha, I hope, and get your feedback from the various angles of many seasoned meditators, enough that you will probably get completely confused and have to go back to school and study rocket science or brain surgery or something else simple and straightforward, lol.

Your practice routine sounds strong and committed, and i love the one-two punch of shamatha and vipassana in your sits. So much of the path is just that simple practice without a greater view, likie climbing through forest that only opens out into broader vistas at certain breaks and crags on the mountain. Meanwhile, keep feet moving. 

Again, welcome, my friend. May your practice bear its fruits for all sentient beings, and also not destroy everything you once held dear.

love, tim

Thanks very much for the welcome. I've been lurking for a while but it feels good to post here.
Sam Gentile, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 1151 Join Date: 5/4/20 Recent Posts
relbatnrut:
My primary hope for this log is that more experienced meditators might be kind enough to offer me some feedback. 

I've been practicing with more commitment for about 2 years now (~6 years of on and off practice). Started off with TMI, went on a Goenka retreat in December 2018, and have since dabbled in that style of body scanning, "just sitting," metta, jhana practice, and noting. Regardless of the particular practice, my sits have generally started with ~10-20 minutes of samatha style practice and then the remainder of the hour in vipassana style practice. Currently I've been starting off with metta, playing around with entering (very light) jhana if my mind feels inclined, and then noting for the rest of the time. I also do walking meditation in the afternoon, noting for however long my walk around the city takes (usually an hour and a half or so).

I like the idea of the maps and I'm familiar with MCTB(II), but really have no idea where I am on them. I've had a number of pretty powerful psychedelic experiences (including one quite traumatic one 4 years ago) and one lightning bolt of energy style experience on retreat in June 2019 (at the time I thought it might have been stream entry; this seems pretty unlikely now). Everything after that has been more or less muddling through, so maybe the dark night. Until that retreat experience I was a little neurotic about the stages, but these days I don't give as much thought to mapping (because it seems like a futile endeavor).


On to the log. Happy to expand on any of the above if helpful. Please also do let me know if these logs are less than ideally formatted for constructive feedback emoticon 

8/3/19
Walking meditation, evening
- Drifting into thought often
- Noting frustration, pain, anxiety, fear, tension quite a bit
- Feelings of doing this wrong, hopelessness, craving for going on retreat to figure it all out
- Any pleasure immediately followed by observing clinging, then aversion to the feeling of clinging
- Losing concetration when I walk by people, preceded by noting "fear"
- Once or twice a feeling like I stepped back a level and feelings seem more objective, less painful--then I find myself noting "clinging" as I try to hold on to that pleasant feeling
Hi, welcome to Dharma Overground! Just curious: what noting system do you use? Mahasi/MCTB2 or Shinzen See/Hear/Feel? In terms of feedback, you may want for yourself and us to put next to the date, the duration of the meditation. You may want to consider listing some bodily sensations. Nothing wrong with your log but here are some good logs that you may want to look at. Off to a good start!
relbatnrut, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 10 Join Date: 11/25/18 Recent Posts
Sam Gentile:
relbatnrut:
My primary hope for this log is that more experienced meditators might be kind enough to offer me some feedback. 

I've been practicing with more commitment for about 2 years now (~6 years of on and off practice). Started off with TMI, went on a Goenka retreat in December 2018, and have since dabbled in that style of body scanning, "just sitting," metta, jhana practice, and noting. Regardless of the particular practice, my sits have generally started with ~10-20 minutes of samatha style practice and then the remainder of the hour in vipassana style practice. Currently I've been starting off with metta, playing around with entering (very light) jhana if my mind feels inclined, and then noting for the rest of the time. I also do walking meditation in the afternoon, noting for however long my walk around the city takes (usually an hour and a half or so).

I like the idea of the maps and I'm familiar with MCTB(II), but really have no idea where I am on them. I've had a number of pretty powerful psychedelic experiences (including one quite traumatic one 4 years ago) and one lightning bolt of energy style experience on retreat in June 2019 (at the time I thought it might have been stream entry; this seems pretty unlikely now). Everything after that has been more or less muddling through, so maybe the dark night. Until that retreat experience I was a little neurotic about the stages, but these days I don't give as much thought to mapping (because it seems like a futile endeavor).


On to the log. Happy to expand on any of the above if helpful. Please also do let me know if these logs are less than ideally formatted for constructive feedback emoticon 

8/3/19
Walking meditation, evening
- Drifting into thought often
- Noting frustration, pain, anxiety, fear, tension quite a bit
- Feelings of doing this wrong, hopelessness, craving for going on retreat to figure it all out
- Any pleasure immediately followed by observing clinging, then aversion to the feeling of clinging
- Losing concetration when I walk by people, preceded by noting "fear"
- Once or twice a feeling like I stepped back a level and feelings seem more objective, less painful--then I find myself noting "clinging" as I try to hold on to that pleasant feeling
Hi, welcome to Dharma Overground! Just curious: what noting system do you use? Mahasi/MCTB2 or Shinzen See/Hear/Feel? In terms of feedback, you may want for yourself and us to put next to the date, the duration of the meditation. You may want to consider listing some bodily sensations. Off to a good start!

Thank you! I use my take on Mahasi style noting. Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely do that.
relbatnrut, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 10 Join Date: 11/25/18 Recent Posts
Just realized I got the year wrong in my previous log!! Not sure what that says about my mental state last night emoticon. This morning I was doing a bit of research on TWIM, as I'm hoping to do a retreat in that style this fall, and came across this forgiveness meditation: https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/a_guide_to_forgiveness_meditation.pdf. It immediately appealed to me, so I tried it this morning. Very nice stuff! I think I will make it my primary samatha(ish) practice until that retreat.

8/4/20
Forgiveness meditation/noting, 1 hour (half an hour each)
- Immediate softening in the body as I (mentally) say the phrase "I forgive myself for not understanding"
- This feeling continued and grew. It was like a warm, soft cloud surrounding me.
- The "Recognize< Release < Relax < Re-Smile > Return > Repeat" pointer was very helpful. Realizing that I don't always release or relax--I sort of cling to negative sensation in an effort to "see through it" and make it go away, instead of releasing it and letting it purify itself in the background.
- By the end of the half hour, I felt like I had carved out a little space of peace where I could rest, while all the tension continued around me.
- The difference was noticeable when I moved onto noting. I was still noting lots of aversion, craving, clinging, pain, tension, but it was a bit easier to let it happen as opposed to making it go away.
- Found myself noting "ill-will" (directed at myself) frequently, something I don't usually notice
- I use the abdomen as an anchor, and found myself returning to it more than usual. Not really noticing fine grained sensations there, more a general rise and fall.
- I feel like I'm generally dealing with solidified/gross sensations right now. Ocassionally they'll break up and I'll notice little pinpricks or tingles, but generally it's a solid mass. I don't really go deeply into any sensation I feel, I just note and move on to the next thing that comes into awareness. Maybe some deeper investigation could be useful?
relbatnrut, modified 10 Months ago.

RE: relbatnrut's practice log

Posts: 10 Join Date: 11/25/18 Recent Posts
8/4/20
Forgiveness meditation/noting, 1 hour (half an hour each)
- Didn't get much sleep because I had to take my car to the shop early in the morning
- Warm feeling surrounding me, especially my head, as did the forgiveness meditation
- Switched up the phrases depending on what I was feeling. Seemed to precipitate some nice feelings of release
- Distracted a lot, almost dozed off a few times
- Noting was similarly sluggish. 
- Found myself noticing that aversion was mostly concentrated on my left throat/heart area, a dull pushing feeling, while craving was a sharper feeling on my right side. Clinging to pleasant sensations was a pulling sensation concentrated around my head. 
- Found myself noting a few pleasant sensations, like "calm" and "pleasure," which was a nice change.

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