Siavash:
Tuesday, October 6, 2020, 2:22 AM
Today similar to yesterday, I was calm and tranquil after waking up for some hours. In the afternoon I worked for 1-2 hours because a colleague needed some help with an issue, and I used that opportunity to work a little on the other tasks. But later I had more difficulty with starting and continuing to work. What I wrote in previous post about memories of previous stressful situations, I guess that is not the exact thing that happens. What I noticed today is that I get feelings and memories of previous situations that I needed to meet a deadline, but I couldn’t do enough work in a given time, or that because of a similar situation with the current one (although with much less intensity), I wasn’t able to work enough and I had financial problem as a result. And now when I want to start working, I get this sense that now too I won’t be able to work, I will fail, and it will lead to the same problems and situations. Even when I am working, I get the same feeling/mind-state that will fail, even though I am actually working and succeeding. So there was hopelessness, that there is no point in trying, the result is failure. I had to remind myself again and again, that no, you won’t fail, there is hope, it matters, and it doesn’t have to lead to those negative results.
Although I started to work and got some issues done, but still there is despair, with less intensity but sometimes with more intensity. I tried to not believe it and continue working, and paying attention to the sensations of despair in my body-mind. Also when feeling insecure, I repeated in my mind thing like: It’s okay, you are safe, you are home, you are doing well.
Another thing that I tried, was/is that I try to lead myself to this mind-state that not-working is boring, and also try to find things about working that can provoke my curiosity.
As one of the soldiers of negativity, this often comes to mind that, if you work more you won’t have enough time for practice. But I have to remind myself again and again that, no, this is your practice now, and meditation is secondary to this.
Needed a break to lessen the despair, so this writing served that purpose too.
hey shroubw, my heart goes out to you in your struggles with right livelihood, and all the realities of earning a living, and keeping a roof over one's head. It often seems to me that you are pretty good at what you do, and certainly good enough, in the technical senses, and that you struggle with motivation. I don't--- can't--- know enough about the realities of your job situation, the realities of the work itself, and the expectations of the position, and the possible politics that come with the situation, to really say much at all, beyond acknowledging the difficulties you face. I often wonder how much of the pressure you feel is from your own conscientiousness, the desire for excellence and the fear of failure that you talk about, and how much is inherent in the job and the expectations of your bosses and colleagues. It seems like something a therapist might be able to actually help you with. So much of psychotherapy is geared to toward supporting normative adjustment and functionality on a daily basis, and maybe someone on the ball could help you sort through what the job actually demands from you and what you demand from yourself, and why. The same goes for psychiatry: a lot of medications are geared toward supporting and sustaining functionality in situations that are, if you examine them deeply, not optimal in many human ways: the world would grind to a halt, if everyone stopped taking their meds. There is no shame in seeking help to get what you need to do done, and earning a living is just plain something that has to happen.
I know agnostic is thinking deeply about right livelihood right now too, and sorting through the levels of psychic investment in his work. You might check out his thoughts about it in his recent log entries.
As one of the soldiers of negativity, this often comes to mind that, if you work more you won’t have enough time for practice. But I have to remind myself again and again that, no, this is your practice now, and meditation is secondary to this.
This struck me, and stuck with me. I would as mildly as possible beg to differ that your work is your practice right now and that meditation is secondary. If the Buddha tells us anything, it is that the misery of samsara is perpetuated by samsara. We begin meditation practice on that basis, and meditation is a radical move, a different mode, that has as its aim the deconstruction of the samsaric mindset. People say, "Oh, life is my teacher," but as the old joke goes, if life is the teacher, the world is crowded with bad students. Samsara is the wheel of misery that turns itself. To sit in meditation is to consciously and explicitly declare your intention to stop letting that turning wheel drive your mind.
You will always have enough time for practice, one way or another. Don't lock yourself into any presuppositions about how much mat time is necessary, just carve out a dedicated interval that is doable, however short it may be, and do practice your technique for that interval. You are already dark nighting, with this despair, so that saves a lot of time, lol, you can cut to the chase and do your prayer like a man in hell, without hope, taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the sangha, right here at the end of your rope. Give yourself eons, and see every sit as that Buddhist dove flying around the world with the silk handkerchief in its beak, and every orbit the bird brushes the top of the world's highest mountain with that handkerchief. By the time the bird has worn that mountain down, you will be perfectly fine. Meanwhile, give your formal practice the minutes you can realistically give it, and turn to alcoholism for self medication.
i'm just kidding about the alcoholism, by the way. I was projecting, there.
Needed a break to lessen the despair, so this writing served that purpose too.
Hang in there, my friend.
love, tim