Siavash's Practice Log 7

Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

Siavash's Practice Log 7

Posts: 1350 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.

About this name:
It's pronounced like:

Log history:

This is the initial part on fire kasina:








Saturday, April 17, 2021, 1:06 PM

When I went to bed in the morning, there was too much restlessness in the body. It usually takes some minutes for me to adjust my body in the bed because it feels/looks like the body is not aligned correctly in the bed in relation to the walls. It’s the mental image of the body that gives discomfort, previously sometimes I’d intentionally replace mental image of the body with a more aligned one and it would help. Today it took much longer to find comfort in the bed. I focused on the mental talk space, and there was lots of energetics, vibrations, pleasant tingles, feeling of insects moving on skin. Since this energy in the base of spine was more active, there was no sleepiness and there was tension in the abdomen that I had to breathe with my mouth. It took several hours to fall asleep. I’ve forgotten all the dreams. Those whole body vibrations spread occasionally in the body.

Sunday, April 18, 2021, 12:55 AM

Last few hours, body restless mind scattered. There is strong urge to consume, maybe to eat something, but I don’t know what I can eat that could give a satisfactory taste. Energetics in the right shoulder blade and base of spine, with the feeling in the head that feels like a fly is moving on my hairs, and vibrations in fingers. Also that feeling has arisen in my toes that feels like something is stuck under them. And vibrations in the left leg in this energetic point a few inches above the knee that feels like an insect is moving under the skin.

8:39 AM
These 2-3 days there seems to be this shift in the experience between restlessness and scatteredness of mind, and then relatively relaxed body-mind but heightened awareness that arising and passing of sensations are clearer than usual. Though today there has been lots of energetics and vibrations specially in the fingers. That usually is related to this heightened clarity.

10:11 AM
Did a sit started by focusing on sounds and mental talks, then got more focused on the nada sounds. There were 2-3 different parts (frequencies? What is the right term?) for the nada sound and that helicopter rotor sounds arose and pass a few times. Sleepiness has arisen since 40-50 minutes ago, unlike yesterday. Before ending the sit when I came out of sleepiness, I noticed that I am keeping my right hand in front of my face as if it has a mirror that I’m looking at it. I don’t know if there was a dream or something else related to that. Now there is that sleepiness discomfort in the body and the vibrations in the fingers are gone.

9:57 PM
Last night a deep sadness arose that stayed with varying degrees of intensity until I slept. After waking up it’s still present, although not as intense as last night. It was triggered by an event, or maybe more accurately by a sequence of thoughts related to that event. Also I had heard some bad news of death and sickness around close friends and I think that had some effect too. It made me reflect back on my whole life, on how this kind of sadness has been present in different periods of my life. It always finds a story to attach to it, but I know that it’s not really because of those stories, they get replaced by other stories but the sadness remains. It’s a feeling of separation. And a grasping. I’ve always noticed that when I have that feeling for people that I love, I still feel it when being with those people too, because I still feel separated, and not connected enough.

In the last few days I’ve noticed this thing a few times, that while I am doing something or practicing, and I am perceiving the sensations, suddenly it looks/feels like I am back to seeing objects from the vantage point behind my eyes again. I don’t have enough clarity about it yet to know that before noticing this return to the eyes vantage point, what is the vantage point or how are the mental images of the body and head. I don’t know if it’s a change in the mental images of the body or space or what, but the coming back is noticeable.
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, April 19, 2021, 4:13 AM

The sadness has become very intense again for some hours. I notice that there is a strong element of guilt in it. Every life circumstance that comes to mind, I notice guilt related to that as if it was my fault, at least partially, that someone else has some discomfort. It’s non-sensical. Situations that absolutely have nothing to do with me, but in a way I feel separation in one way or another with the people involved in that situation, and have feeling of guilt that I am responsible for the separation, and for their discomfort.

6:23 AM
As I was burning in this sadness, I sat to do some practice since I couldn’t continue working. Used Shinzen’s Focus In, focusing on the mental and emotional part of the experience. There were very intense energetics, a good portion of them painful, but there were some mildly pleasant ones too. That ice-cold feeling arose in 2-3 energetic points for the first time, that usually have pain or itches, one in the back and one in the abdomen. There was some coolness and vibration that had higher pleasantness than usual but were very brief. There was intense sensations under the jaw as if something hit it hardly, but some minutes later a set of sporadic vibrations arose in the face that felt like something has opened, it was like the face is lighter now and breathing with the nose is easier and a little pleasant. There were a few other ones that felt similar as if something opened, but nothing intense. There was a feeling similar to vomiting. Color statics became slower once to twice as if they have gap between them, one frame after another. After about an hour, the sadness lost its intensity, and later sleepiness arose. Still there are vibrations and energetics in the body.

Oh I forgot, there were many mental images of old memories from childhood and other periods of life, also mental talks related to past memories, one instance was interesting, that I heard the sentence that we would say in the family when the house door was knocked that one of us had to go to open the door and see who is behind the door.
​​​​​​​There were few vague and very low resolution faces that appeared in the murk, I guess female faces.
George S, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Just a thought here. A certain degree of separation is healthy, even desirable. But sometimes there’s the idea that “I should be closer to other people”, which leads to guilt about separation. Some people manipulate others to feel that guilt for them, others direct it at themselves. The classic example is the mother who likes to be alone but makes her children feel guilty for not calling or visiting enough. I used to think that intimacy meant “being really close”, but I’m coming more to the view that it means being honest about what you really want. So many of life’s problems seem to come from a disconnect between what people say they want and what they really want. I don't know if that's helpful or whether I'm just talking about myself!
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Hey George,
I don't know.
I don't think it's related to any specific person or event or type of connection.. . They are just triggers. Embers that ignite the fire. And while that fire is burning, it burns all those people and events and such too.
It stops burning at some point, because it's just ashes everywhere.
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, April 19, 2021, 8:25 PM

The sadness has taken a more quiet and tender flavor today, less personal more abstract. Although the situation that had triggered it is resolved, ah there wasn’t anything to be resolved, it’s just my projections, I sometimes have a flood of projections that creates a drama, only to give rise and fuel for these emotions. It took me into music and poetry for some hours, and tears, but there is nothing to be sad about, it’s just the raw sadness.
The energetics in the upper back and shoulder blades are there, it’s stronger in the right side. It feels like a slightly pleasant pain.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 6:14 AM

The sadness had become more intense again. Tried to work with no success. Then had a chat with a friend and some encouragement from her that I could start after that. It decreased the intensity of the sadness a little bit. Then some more chatting and working, that after a few hours that thick cloud is mostly gone. Still there is sadness but it’s manageable, although its intensity changes. That left leg pain has returned today. Also the pain in the left side of the back and rib cage, that could be related to tensions/energetics.These few days I often have a discomfort in the body that I have difficulty finding a posture to make my legs feel comfortable, both in sitting and reclining. This seems to be different from the leg restlessness that I had for some years, that mostly went away after the first 1-2 years of meditation.

9:00 AM
The blue/violet lights/colors had arisen. Did some informal practice noting See Hear Feel while forgetting it constantly. Then sat and focused on the mental talk space and nada sound. The blue/violet lights disappeared after maybe 10 minutes into the sit. At some point the helicopter rotor sound arose, that accidentally I noticed that its frequency seems to be in sync with the flickering color statics in the murk. Then both became faster while staying in sync. Then faster again and it was hard to see if they are in sync or not. The rotor sound stopped while color statics flickering in a slower speed, 5-8 per second I guess. There was an impression of a female face in the murk twice for a fraction of a second, that looked like it’s looking into my eyes. Later sleepiness arose and I don’t remember much after that. There were few energetics and bodily vibrations only in the early part of the sit. The sadness is almost gone, also the leg and back pain. Need to go to bed.
There were energetics before the sit, now they have arisen after the sit again!
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 20, 2021, 11:17 PM

I slept a little longer today. That sleepiness discomfort was 10/10 and I had difficulty getting up, but it went away 10-20 minutes after I got up. There are lots of vibrations in the body. For about an hour there were big waves of vibrations in the upper torso and head, that seemed like initiates from the upper middle back, between the shoulder blades and spreads up and fills the whole space above it. Also constant feelings on the skin like insets are moving and the one above left knee that feels an insect is moving under the skin. The sadness is mostly gone but I can feel a trace of it. It’s like you’ve lost a loved one and grieved it and now have acceptance for it, but you know that part of you is gone, is dead, is empty.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021, 10:39 AM

Worked a few hours, and had a nice chat. Sadness is gone completely. Did some practice. The energetics have been present constantly, with some new flavors and new locations having vibrations like my mouth or inside nostrils. There were lots of pain in the back in different parts of it, but after the sit it has decreased. There was a feeling of heat in the base of spine, with momentary burning in the fingers, toes and tongue.

Thursday, April 22, 2021, 4:45 AM

Practiced taking and sending tonight, because a friend is in distress and I couldn’t think of doing any other practice. I don’t remember its instruction clearly, and I just did my own version that I do sometimes.

7:14 PM
Last night focused on mental talk space and nada sound while in bed. It seems that I have more dreams again these few days. Today I remembered two sets of dreams that both had strong emotions in them, specially the second one, which was very tender, I had high confidence, and I had a dear guest and exchange of care and love and understanding. The first one was very vivid. It seemed that there is a military conflict going on near my house, then while we were outside at night, my brother noticed a big jet in the sky, and we stood there looking at it and enjoying the beauty of the sky and this big thing that was flying very smoothly above us (Although the jet looked different from how it actually is). Then we both noticed the clouds and mountains in the horizon that were very beautiful and vivid and we started taking pictures of it. Some weeks ago I had a dream about someone that I loved in the past that it didn’t go the way I’d want, although we were still friends. In previous dream she was in my house and when leaving said that it’s time to go meaning that this should be a goodbye. Today in the second dream I had invited her for dinner and she came and it was tender and good, but we didn’t cross our boundaries, and I accompanied her to the cab so that she could go back to her life. I don’t know why she came to my mind again. Both dreams had a strong emotional residue after I woke up. In the first one I was partially awake toward the end of it, and I noticed that I had 5-10 different dream scenes in a short time, which I forgot most of them, but after waking up I started writing it and tried to remember it, and they started coming back one by one, although I know that I didn't remember some of them. During the first one I noticed that I am laughing while noticing my body in bed that was laughing and hearing myself, and I found something funny in the dream and it was joyful, also I think I was aware of the body breathing in bed, but I don’t remember what was in the dream that made me laugh.

​​​​​​​Today although there is some mild restlessness in the body, but I feel that I am a little bit lighter, more equanimous. Maybe that is the effect of that sadness. I had to send monthly work report and usually that is something that I don’t like to do, but I started it without thinking much about it, and did it pretty fast like the old days, I noticed that the mind can think fast again, and I didn’t have that obsessive checking of things. I’ve noticed it a number of times in the last few days too that sometimes the mind thinks fast again and comes up with different ideas and solutions. It was kind of a surprise.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 

Ha, my pronounciation was correct! (Selfing noted)

I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.  You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 

I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it. 

Best wishes! 
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Hi Linda,

I like your thorough and detailed reports. They are a pleasure to read. 
Actually every time that I post, I push myself to do it, because part of me always says that don't share too much details, it will bother people if anyone is reading it, but I have to ignore that thought! Glad that it doesn't bother you.

Ha, my pronounciation was correct! 
Great! You must be a non-english speaker! ;)

I have come to understand that excessive thinking is an energy phenomenon too. I guess it's the more distracted version of it, whereas the buzzing and tingling and heat and the tones and the lights are concentration-related.
Yes, it seems to me to be related to energy too. It's not very clear to me yet, but it seems that there are some big categories, and then sub-categories. Something along the lines of vipassana-jhanas, although I am not sure it maps to it always.

You seem to periodically have both versions. Lama Lena would say that you seem to have rising lung and squeeky energy channels and recommend vitamine B complex. Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself. I have started to ask the excessive energy to go where it is better needed, which also reminds me not to cling to it. I don't know if any of that is of any help to you. If not, feel free to ignore it. 
It seems that this has been going on for quite a while, and when I started doing daily fire kasina practice two years ago, it intensified it, and its cycling became more rapid and chaotic.
Thank you so much for these pointers. It's helpful. I'll try to check them, specially Lama Lena's material. In Michael's public talks I haven't seen detailed data about energy. Any specific resource you have in mind that could be helpful? Thanks.

I'm still trying to figure out what people mean exactly when they talk about energy. It seems to me that energy is the flickering in and out of existence in itself. So what does "rising lung" really mean? That one has increasingly become a hub for the comings into being and the comings out of being? I certainly feels like giving birth sometimes. I'm glad you get to rest from it.

Yes, everyone uses "energy" in a different way. What I mean by energetics, is the set of sensations that seems to be related to the activation of sensations in the base of spine and sacrum, that when there is more activity there, then a specific set of sensations manifest, like tingles itches lights sounds pains etc. But what the energy is..., yeah who knows. I have some ideas, but not very clear.
Obviously I don't know what it feels to give birth, but yeah, sometimes there is a unique quality in the experience, that the best way to describe it for me is that the body or my being wants to give birth to something.

Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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I wish it would be the default for more practicioners to describe their phenomenology in depth. DhO has spoiled me. 

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

I don't know of any public resources where Michael talks about how to deal with energy. It's something that he has emphasized in closed teachings. He also said that trying to push the energy outward gives him rashes and that for most people that has some adverse symptoms. I seem to be an exception there. Not that I'm pushing the energy. It's more like I just let it remember that there is no container, and it seems to respond to that by taking more subtle forms which know no boundaries. He thinks it has to do with my neurodivergence, and for the others he strongly recommends anchoring the energy below the navel, which supposedly calms the mind. He hasn't been very detailed, though. I'm trying to get him to talk more about it but we tend to run out of time in our short private check-ins. It's difficult for me to steer the conversation at two o clock in the morning. 

Yes, I think most practicioners here refer to energy or energetic phenomena in a similar way. I guess I just personally find it more helpful to get to know the different forms it can take rather than seeing it as limited to a more narrow spectrum, because it helps me to work at a more subtle level, which I need. 
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thank you.
I'll play with it to see how it goes, although my approach these days is mostly hands-off approach, to let it manifest the way it wants.

My mother tongue is Swedish and it seems to be somewhat closer in pronounciation. English pronounciation diverges weirdly from other languages in some ways. I also took a five weeks course in farsi many years ago. 

Yeah I knew all the above. I was just kidding emoticon .
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Saturday, April 24, 2021, 3:09 AM

Yesterday evening I went for a short walk. The earth, space and trees looked calm, equanimous and serene.

Mind-state was relatively equanimous and light. I wanted to take a day off from worries of working, so I thought maybe do something else. I had 3 options, working, practicing, and another activity which was technical too, but doubt arose and I couldn’t decide which one to do. Hours passed and it became more and more frustrating that I couldn’t decide. Then that tender sadness arose and stayed for a few hours while still feeling frustrated and disappointed. Later in the middle of night I gave up and decided to practice. Made some food, then spent the next 5-6 hours practicing on and off cushion. Still couldn’t decide what technique to practice, so I opened all senses to notice whatever that arises. Did some fire kasina too, and then became obsessed about noticing mental talks exactly when they arise. I was trying to catch the sensation of a mental talk, but I noticed that I only hear it maybe 1/3 to 1/5 of a second after it arises. And most of mental talks were very subtle that mostly felt like there isn’t much hearing. It’s a mixture, some physical sensations in the mouth, throat and inner ears, with some very subtle mental images related to the movements of the mind or attention. Then tried to do it with all of the experience, to notice how every instance of experience arises from a dimensionless point.
Energetics became very intense at some point. Feelings similar to pressing something very sharp on the tissue, or burning, and the feeling in fingers and toes that has the flavor of bones crushing. A few times it looked/felt like the body starts to move, or as if I am partially detached from the body or its mental image. There was more depth and spaciousness in the visual field. There were some pleasant sensations too, mostly the coolness/breeze spreading on the skin. A few times the bright white light tried to move a little farther from the face and form a circle, but it didn’t succeed.
A few times that black dot (very beautiful) with a bright ring around it arose. Once it was bigger and stayed longer, then started moving closer to the face and as it was moving, it became bigger then turned into an oblong shape. Then the ring went away and the black spot became a little bigger and then vanished.

I notice several different layers in the mental talk space, and the inner layers seems to be much harder to observe. By hard I mean detecting the exact instant that a talk arises. It's mostly like sequences of very subtle and brief humming that is going on most of the time. I guess it's maybe related to the music. For many years music was present almost all my waking time, listening, playing, singing, and almost always there was a tune playing in my mind. It has changed somewhat, but still a lot of times something is playing in the mind.

Today that doubt is still present that I have difficulty deciding what to do. That energetic pain in fingers and toes are present, with some activity on the shoulder blades and 2-3 painful points below that. I think these are related to the releasing of tension in those muscles probably, since I’d tense these muscles habitually without actually being aware of it. It was only maybe a year or so ago that I noticed they are almost always tense. But now I don’t tense it usually, but there are these discomforts. There are other energetics in the knees and elbows, that feels like maybe liquid is moving between the skin and bone.

It seems that neighbors noises bother me less these days. Whenever I notice it starts to become annoying, I say in the mind: May they be well…, it’s not my problem it’s theirs.., just more sensations, let’s notice their arising and passing… . So far so good. 
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, April 24, 2021, 5:53 AM

Forgot to mention, first few hours after waking up there were waves of vibration in the upper torso and head. Today it felt that it initiates from two spots, one between shoulder blades, the other in the neck in both sides of it below the ears a little toward its center. Those two locations in the neck often have vibrations during practice, or the feeling that an insect is moving there, sometimes mixed with painful tickling.

Did a sit. Since couldn’t decide about the technique, I thought it’s easier to just focus on the mental talk space. There was that shift in the experience that looks like the distance between head and hand is longer and I am leaned forward and about to fall, while the body-mind feels still.
It became clearer that it’s harder to notice the exact arising of the more subtle mental talks,  because they don’t have a noticeable physical component in the front part of the mouth. They sneak into awareness.

Sometimes after practice (like for a few minutes after this sit) when there is higher clarity, there is a subtle joy in the experience, because the mere fact of having sensations that manifest, seems to have joy in it.
Although that subtle joy is replaced by frustration again now.

8:15 AM
Did another sit, a bit longer, focused on mental talks then mixed it with the breath in the throat and back of the mouth/head/inner-ears. More or less similar to previous one. There was mild but steady pleasantness, coolness and tingles, that was there for about an hour, but didn’t lead to anything that I could confidently call a jhana. After the energy became stronger and led to pleasant sensations, there were lots of mental talks. After the sit there is that subtle joy of manifestation again, that these keyboard buttons and their touch is very nice, or I look at the water bottle and the space around it and it looks beautiful. I just want to keep watching that bottle and these buttons.
Now that I look around, all visual objects have beauty, with different degrees.

8:08 PM
While in bed I focused on the mental talk space, energetics became very painful. The vibration/electric-shock in the left long toe was intense. First 2-3 times that it happened, the foot moved and I couldn’t keep it still, but later I could have equanimity with it and other ones and kept the body still. 6-7 hours in bed and I didn’t get up, unlike usual. First few hours after waking up there were those big waves of vibration. Any hint of emotionality triggers them. The initiation of them from the neck was more noticeable today. It’s like having goosebumps constantly for 1-2 hours. Left shoulder blade had vibrations and tingles too similar to the right one that often has.
In the evening I went to the rooftop to check the cooler and the moment I opened the door, I got hit by the view of mountains and clouds. Clouds were everywhere, and the mountains had that look that it looks like the gray end of blue. Very beautiful, but the thunder storm sent me inside.
A minute after I woke up I started noting See Hear Feel and continued it for a while, but then forgot it.
Before going to bed during the practice, there were very brief emotions, mostly fear/terror, with mental images of past memories that possibly had that emotions.

Sunday, April 25, 2021, 5:33 AM

Today worked for some hours, it was good. Last few hours again there is sadness that sometimes becomes intense. It seems that this one is directly related to the fact that a friend is getting prepared to move to another country, but still I am not certain. Last hour minutes energetics have become more active, in the base of spine and long toes.

6:53 AM
A sit focused on the mental talk space with the physical sensations involved in mental talks. Lots of distracting thoughts with the theme of sadness. Energetics, mostly tingles/vibrations in locations that usually have pain, and sexual feelings, although not noticeably pleasant. A few times strong energetics in the throat like something is pressed on its center. Emotional sensations in the throat and around the heart.

8:28 AM
Another sit with the same technique at first, then switched to all the sensations related to the head. There were almost no distractions. Body mind got still with relaxation in the hands, so I focused on the hands. Stronger energetics after that, left foot had a good equanimity test. Sadness is mostly gone.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, April 26, 2021, 12:58 AM

Remembered two dreams today. I guess first one felt good, and I had awareness of the body at the end of it, but second one before getting up was very unpleasant. I was in the airport to go to another country to continue my studies (!!!), but something happened, and the ticket was cancelled, there were no airplanes, I lost my university admission because of that, then I lost my bag and clothes and all my money. Tried to go back inside to find my bag, but they said you should pay entrance money, and I had to go down stairs that had more than 5-6 feet empty space between stairs, with no possible ways to walk down. Tried to go back home, that was in another city, but there were no cars and people were just waiting without hope.
Something was different about me that everyone looked at me with embarrassment and I was standing there alone. I was thinking can I reach home if I walk for a day and night, and at some point I woke up feeling terrible. There was too much sleepiness discomfort that it took a while to get up.

For a few hours mind-state was relatively calm with those vibrations in the torso and head. Listened to music, there was intense feelings around it. It felt that the music tears me apart. After that it has been mainly a mix of sadness, disgust, guilt, and self&others critique. That feeling and mental images of cutting the base of a fingernail comes up frequently.
Did a sit noting with Shinzen’s Focus In and then Note Everything. There was more movements in energetics, and since it had more movements, its pain spread to new locations too. At the base of spine it started moving around then moving up a little bit, but then stopped and turned to a strong sharp pain, and went away after some minutes. There were no distractions in the later part, and coolness spread on the body for 10-20 minutes that was cooler than before, and spread to some new locations like the back of the neck.

4:24 AM
Started working, but the mind can’t think clearly and there is some technical complexities. Those violet/blue/bright lights/colors have arisen, expanding/contracting between me and the monitor that obscure the text in the monitor. I keep my eyes wide open and gaze sharply to be able to read, but when I ease the effort a little bit, immediately the eyes defocus, and color statics fill the surface of the monitor.

7:39 AM
Did two sits, focusing on the mind space. Mind became still, energetics became more painful. It gives me some ideas about why different parts of the body have different kinds of pain and energetics, but it needs more observation.

6:19 PM
While in bed I focused on the mind space and nada sound. Energetic became more intense, almost everywhere in the body had some manifestation simultaneously. Vibrations, tingles, itches, pain, throbbing, and the feeling under the left knee, in elbows, and a few places on the head that felt something is moving under the skin to jump out of it. Then a big wave started in the right big toenail, that the toenail itself felt very painful like if you want to take it out, but from there a wave of tingles/vibrations spread up to the right side of the body. After that the intensity decreased.
That painful vibrations that I have in long toes, started to arise in fingers too. And there was a feeling in the feet that felt like it’s burning with heat, at the same time it felt very cold. This had happened two night ago too. This one feels pleasantly painful.
Didn’t get up in the middle of sleep, improvement. Unlike previous days, I didn’t have waves of vibration in the torso/head after waking up. Instead, there was in increase of sexual energy, somewhat similar to last night’s practice sessions.

Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 1:02 AM

A sit focused on the mind space, but in a light and gentle way to keep the energetic pain tolerable. Still it was intense, but the equanimity with it was acceptable, I could keep the body still. There was sleepiness for a big part of the sit. A few times there was that feeling that feels like suddenly body just landed on the ground, without feeling any movement before that. And there was a constant shift in the visual field between the usual one, and another one that kind of looked like I am seeing myself and the content of the murk from a distance? Or from a point behind my body? It wasn’t clear.

6:52 AM
Did a sit focused on the mind space. The moment I started focusing, very painful energetics arose and stayed like that for some time, then sleepiness arose and energetics subsided mostly. The sleepiness was strong. Also I felt sleepy before the sit. That feeling of landing arose once for a moment, but it was different. It felt like my body collapsed from the inside and fell down. Like the inner part collapsed then the outer part collapsed on that.
Siavash ', modified 3 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö
Michael Taft would recommend that you direct the energy below the navel to ground yourself....

Linda, can you please elaborate a little bit what Michael means by this instruction?
Does it mean focusing on the physical sensations below the navel? Or imagining energy currents moving down their, or?

Thank you. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, April 27, 2021, 11:43 PM

Today slept longer. Don’t remember any dreams. Difficulty getting up. While in bed I tried to stabilize the attention on the mental image space, but the sensations of breathing interrupted the focus constantly. This interruption usually happens when practicing in bed.
It was relatively calm/neutral for a few hours after getting up. 1-2 times waves of vibrations spread to the upper body because I read something that triggered emotions. Last few hours brief feelings of despair and insecurity comes and goes constantly. A few times tried to note see hear feel off-cushion but I kept forgetting. It’s around an hour now that movements have become slower, there is higher mindfulness and clarity, and there is a subtle sense of comfort (?) or contentment (?) or beauty in the sensations, especially external sights and somatic sensations. Not much energetics so far, although there is mild tingles/vibrations in the hands after the increase of clarity.
That feeling of an insect moving on the skin arose at the base of spine for a moment a minute ago, this was the first time to have that feeling there. Also today there was a feeling of coolness in the sole of the right foot, that feels like it’s in touch with cold water. I had that feeling regularly for 1-2 years before, but I haven’t had it for some months.

Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 2:14 AM

Feelings of hopelessness had become predominant, with sleepiness and an urge to go to bed. Sat to practice, and focused on the mind space in a gentle way. There was lots of distractions and sleepiness that occupied a big portion of the bandwidth of the awareness. Much less energetics compared to the last days. Then I started paying closer attention and focusing on the content of the space instead of being aware of the space. There were more energetics after that, and when I paid closer attention, it had an immediate effect of bringing more painful energetics. There were some distorted sleepy perceptions. 1-2 times there was a sense in the visual field as if there is an empty space there beside the visuals, like a small empty and dark cave connected to color statics. I think yesterday the energetics were 5-10 times more active and painful.

10:02 AM
After the previous sit, still the mind-state was mostly hopelessness with sleepiness and lack of energy. I was supposed to work but I didn’t have energy for it and there was an urge to go to bed so I decided to go to bed. But then I had a short chat with my friend and she encouraged me to work, and made me promise that I'll work. So it was an opportunity to work but I still didn’t have energy and felt sleepy. So I decided to practice first with an energy inducing technique. Started noting see hear feel without labels, and it became faster and I pushed myself to note faster, I guess it went toward 10-20 sensations per second. There wasn’t much energetics, just rapid movements of attention and flickering lights and color statics, and occasionally spaciousness and feeling of movement in the body and visual space. After about an hour of this, I relaxed the effort and the body, and noticed the relaxation in my hands. Immediately energetics became active. What I call the main energy current, for the lack of a better term, that only arises in a few places sometimes, one in the base of spine and one in the abdomen sometimes, that feels like movement of cool water in a hose, and usually moves only 1-3 inches maximum, arose at the base of spine and moved up a few inches, and at the same time a similar one arose at the middle of the spine and moved up a few inches. Then the same feeling arose in the abdomen and moved a little bit in a few directions, then it arose in the solar plexus and moved to the right and left and maybe other directions a few inches. Then another one moved from lower abdomen to the left leg 5-6 inches. There were smaller currents that spread in different locations, with bright lights and coolness and tingles and pains. This was the first time that I had this current of energy spread in this scale. There was no dullness/sleepiness or distractions so I continued for another hour. Since this sit brought some interest and motivation, after a break I did another 2 hours sit with the same technique. Now although there isn’t much sleepiness, but the body is tired, but I am starting to do some work to keep my promise, and to keep the hope alive for the next day.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, April 28, 2021, 10:19 PM

Although I had stayed awake longer, but before going to bed there wasn’t sleepiness at all. It was an interesting mix, because there wasn’t much energetic activation. Often more active energetics and not feeling sleepy come together, but this was different. First part of the sleep I wasn’t sure if I was asleep or not. I focused on the color statics and stayed focused on it I guess until I got up, and I was aware of the body, but I don’t remember being aware of the rest of the experience. I tried to count the rate of the flickering of the color statics, it was easily 10 per second, but I am not sure if it was higher than that. In the second part, a few times there was awareness of the body while having dreams. Once I noticed that I am laughing, then became aware of the body laughing in the bed to something that was happening in the dream, but I don’t remember what that was. Had difficulty getting up because that intense feeling of sleepiness has arisen again. Energetics are not active, and the whole body feels sore and crushed.
Before getting up I was half-awake, half-asleep while having a strange dream, but a phone call forced me to get up.
Today again the sensations in the shoulder blades are active, especially the left one (unlike usual that the right one is more active). It feels like there is tension there which feels slightly painful, but vibrations and tingles spread on it constantly that gives it a slightly pleasant feel. It feels like the tension is breaking up into vibrations.

Thursday, April 29, 2021, 3:02 AM

Lots of bright white and black dots arise. Less chaotic movements in the color statics in the murk, with a green spot in the center and purple and blue around it with a contrast higher than usual, and finer color statics. These all often show up together, but still I am not sure which stage this is. The sleepiness is predominant, with almost no energetics.

5:43 AM
Did a sit, and focused on the relaxation in the body and mind space in a gentle way. The main thing about it was the sleepiness that filled most of the sit. Occasionally there were momentary mild energetics. At some point there was mental image of where I sit, but seen from the opposite direction in a relatively clear and 3D way, that while I was standing there, suddenly I noticed something is moving there, and I saw it was a cat that moved forward and jumped toward me. It made the body jump up and come out of that sleepy state.
Low level of mindfulness on and off cushion.

8:16 PM
While in bed in the morning, I focused on the body relaxation. I didn’t lose awareness for a few hours, but I guess I was asleep. There was a feeling of insects moving on my upper arms, then energy currents in the abdomen a little bit, and after that it was more quiet. Things happened in the sleep and dream that I can’t remember. Slept longer, and that intense discomfort of sleepiness is present. No energetics so far. It seems that the only reasonable explanation for these shifts in energetics and sleepiness and clarity of attention, is the cycling. Is it PoI cycling or kundalini cycling, or both are the same thing, I don’t know. It could be a transition from ñ5 to ñ6, or from ñ7 to ñ8, or something else.
Oh, I remembered one of them. First few hours in bed, while focusing on the relaxation in my hands and arms, I kept noticing that I get lost in something, I don’t know if it was sleep or mind-wandering or hypnagogia, but coming back was noticeable, and each time that I came back, I noticed that I’ve tensed the muscles in my back, shoulders and shoulder blades, and also legs, so I relaxed them, and this happened maybe 10-20 times. Also there was jaw clenching while in bed. I’ve had jaw clenching after waking up too. It could be related to a transition from this sleepy mode to a more agitated one with fearful dreams that jaw-clenching is one of its characteristics for me.

11:23 PM
It’s around an hour now that it seems that the sleepiness discomfort package is gone, or mostly gone. There was and is some anger and dissatisfaction/bitterness with the experience in the last 1-2 hours. A strong pain arose at the base of spine half an hour ago and stayed for 5-10 minutes. It wasn’t in a single point, but in an area around 3-5 inches * 3-5 inches around the base of spine, similar to when I lift a heavy weight. And a mild pain and coolness inside the hips. Then 1-2 times feeling of an insect moving on my upper back. Then the energetics in the shoulder blades arose.

Friday, April 30, 2021, 2:20 AM

Still no sleepiness, and bitterness in the experience. Some energetics have arisen. Pain around the base of spine that feels like small pieces of metal are stuck inside (obviously not with the intensity of having an actual piece of metal there), with some movement of sensations there. And some movements of energetics inside the hips. Unlike usual, there are a set of dots in the center of the visual field, pale white/yellow small dots that are gathered around the center. This one seems to be a mark for one/some of the stages.
Also there is increased tension in the muscles, and increased jerkiness in the body. More numbness in the hands/feet when they stay in certain positions.

4:53 AM
Did a sit focused on the change. More numbness in the beginning and more painful energetics, then numbness decreased and energetics were less painful with more vibrations, then sleepiness that gradually became stronger with the soreness in muscles. At one point there was a sound in the mind that was like something popped, that after that there was a mild release-like feeling in the face with spread of tingles in the body, but it passed after some seconds. A few times there was a perception that I perceived myself as two entities, that one was thinking or talking about the other one. The tension and jerkiness on the body seem to be decreased.

7:45 AM
A sit, I guess focused on the change, forgotten! Degrees of sleepiness. Mix of painful and mildly pleasant energetics. Some became intense, some were new. The feeling of insect moving on the skin arose on the head and spread to a larger area, also it arose between eyebrows once, both for the first time. Tensing muscles for most of the sit. There were some movements in the visual space itself, and feeling of movement in the body. Once it felt that the body moved back and was about to fall down as if it’s empty in the behind. Some movements along the spine, mostly painful. Energy currents in the abdomen. Currents and vibrations in the legs. Spaciousness and stillness for a few minutes like the last sit. A few times it looked like I am seeing myself from a point outside the body image.
There is less sleepiness and soreness now.
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, April 30, 2021, 11:21 PM

Stayed longer in bed. It took several hours to fall asleep today. Practice went on for more than an hour in bed, then going in and out of sleep, dream and practice. Energetics in the first part with pressure inside the head. There were family dreams, mild unpleasantness at first, then it was good, but then very unpleasant. There was a kind of flying-like dream, but it had fear in it, and I don’t remember those brief flyings. A big building was covered by a tarp cover, and I was hanging from that cover 10-20 yards above the ground, trying to grab it and move to the other side of the building, with fear of falling down. For a while in bed, it seemed the vantage point was outside the head a little above its left side, unlike usual that is behind the eyes, or maybe it was a mix of both.
So far no energetics. And there is mild sleepiness and soreness.
Trying to stay present, but the mind is scattered.
Still there is feeling of numbness in the limbs, and tension in the muscles.

Saturday, May 1, 2021, 1:34 AM

Oh, I remembered. There was a dream, with some family members, and I moved external objects by sending them energy. It looked pretty normal, although it seemed that they were not expecting it.
There is some despair-sadness and insecurity, with work-related thoughts.

6:20 AM
The sleepiness is gone completely. The tension has increased dramatically. It’s similar to the experience that I had a few weeks ago for a few days. Also similar to the experience I had for a few years, that at first I thought it’s related to health and blood pressure (!), because it would increase my blood pressure, and later I realized that it’s anxiety. In those years I had that anxiety for long periods, although there were also periods that the body-mind was more calm and less anxious. When it was intense, I’d have a lot of tension in the body, the limbs would feel cold and somewhat numb, with increased agitation, jerkiness, and hypervigilance, and obsessive worrying. Now it’s pretty much like that. In those years there would be periods of increased sleep and lack of motivation and energy too. Now I think that it’s likely that all of those experiences were the effect of cycling, but because there was no meditation, their periods were longer, and the shifts were slower. And I may be wrong.
This tension affects the walking and other movements. There is headache and discomfort in almost everywhere in the body.

7:22 AM
The tensions have intensified more. Headache is almost gone, but a pain has arisen in earlobes. There is constriction in the throat, with discomfort in the chest and trachea that it feels like vomiting. There is mild heart-racing and panting. Pain in the neck. Some energetics have arisen since 10-20 minutes ago, mostly feelings of insect moving on skin.

10:51 AM
Did 5-10 minutes of sky/clouds kasina (very beautiful, with beautiful afterimage), it seemed that it decreased the intensity of tensions/agitation/discomforts. Later after I finished working, did a sit focused on the mind space. Visual space was spacious. Uncomfortable energetics in the beginning, later they were less uncomfortable. In the first part there were bright white lights in the periphery of the visual field, later the light came to the center for some minutes. Toward the end sleepiness arose with the soreness in the muscles. Now after the sit, it seems that a big portion of the tensions/discomforts are gone. Limbs don’t feel cold, and there is no numbness. Though they may come later. Energetics are active after the sit.

Now some minutes later, tension/discomfort and numbness have increased. With more energetics and vibrations. Sleepiness and soreness are gone.
(So my guess is that the sit caused some shifts in the sub-nanas, but not in the higher level nana.)​​​​​​​
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 1, 2021, 9:48 PM

Today in bed I focused on vibrations/changes. There were usual stuff, some intense throbbing, especially one in the middle of the spine was pretty harsh. But then a very intense surge of energy arose in the left side of the pelvis, that was next-level. It made the whole body jump up, with an involuntary mini-scream kind of sound, that all happened in less than a second. I don’t think electric shock is an accurate description. It’s more like there are tens of tiny armatures that are running and vibrating inside the body. After that I set intentions to not freak out, and stay still and equanimous with the next ones, but there wasn’t that level of intensity after that. After I woke up in the evening, it seems that the tension is gone. It feels more neutral/ordinary, although a feeling of numbness arises in the left hand. Since that surge of energy, there is a mild pain in the left side of the pelvis and left thigh most times.

Yesterday and today it has happened a few times, that suddenly there is a sense/feeling of comfort and satisfaction. It wasn’t clear, but I guess I felt it as a movement of sensations from the chest or throat to my face and nose, and it was clearer in the face. It was like when you have a challenging task, and you do it successfully, and then you have relief and satisfaction. It only lasted for a few moments each time.
Also it happens sometimes these few days, that suddenly all visuals, internal and external, become clearer. As if before you were looking from a dirty window, now you opened the window and everything became clearer. Again it lasts only 10-20 seconds maybe.

Sunday, May 2, 2021, 1:46 AM

The last 1-2 hours there is a kind of agitation or nervousness and scatteredness of mind and hopelessness, that has become pervasive, that I don’t know what to do and I feel uncomfortable with my current experience, and uncomfortable inside my skin. Some tension has arisen in the abdomen and legs. In the last hour there is a constriction/discomfort in the throat, with discomfort in the chest/trachea and around the heart. It feels more emotional than energetic, or maybe both are related. Some energetics around the base of spine, with pain in the left lower arm, and vibrations at the top of the head.
I just switch between activities, mostly on screen, that don’t satisfy, and make me upset that I am wasting my time. There is stronger urge to consume things that could give some satisfaction, I ate an orange, little bit of satisfaction from it.
These color statics in the murk move and flicker more rapidly. I think its rate is above 10.

3:25 AM
Informally doing some slow noting of see hear feel, and noticing impermanence.
The intensity of these unpleasant emotions has increased. The feeling is that I just want to go to bed and hide there. Now in the last 30-40 minutes, energetics are becoming more active and intense. There is flickering of light in the visual field with eyes open and closed. Also some faint lights and shadows vibrating, and some bright. black and jewel tone dots flashing for a few moments. A mildly pleasant coolness spreads to most of the body. Once with the eyes open it looked like the central part of the visual field moved to the left, as if something pulled it.

6:31 AM
The unpleasantness had become too much. Did a sit. There were usual lights and energetics and vibrations etc. Later part of it sleepiness arose, and there were lots of visual thinking. Seeing images of things happening and thinking that they are actually happening now and thinking what to do next, and at the same time being slightly aware in the background that these are just thoughts. The unpleasantness has decreased somewhat, but let’s see what will come next. There was strong pain in the sacrum, and now there is itches there moving in place. Limbs feel cold again with some numbness and tension, also abdomen is tense.
-- Edit:
This thing happens sometimes when there is some relaxation in my legs. In this sit it was much clearer for some time, that it felt that the lower body is not part of me, and it had no difference with the blanket and other stuff there, although I felt its sensations clearly. The part of the body that looked and felt to be "my body" and me, was only a smaller part between the head and abdomen.
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 3, 2021, 12:37 AM

Practiced in bed for a few hours, then a long sleep. Like last days, dreams of family members. There is less unpleasantness after waking up, although there is some tension in the abdomen and legs, but not too much. Still feeling of numbness in the left side of the left hand. There are faint lights and shadows in the vision, and the bright violet/blue/gray lights and colors expanding and contracting. There is a quiet sadness.

1:37 AM
The sadness has become more quiet. Stillness in the sensations. Some vibrations/tingles on the head. Some energetics in the spine and legs.

3:52 AM
Agony and misery. Although I’ve slept long and there is no sleepiness, but there is the urge to go to bed, to get away from everything. I need to work, but I feel not-capable of doing that, so both going to bed and not going to bed feel disappointing.
Doing informal practice, investigating which part of the current experience—body, mind, sights, sounds, space…— feels miserable, and which part of those sensations feel miserable, their beginnings, ends, or.., or the ones that just passed, or the ones that are arising, etc.

1:06 PM
Couldn’t work, so decided to practice instead of wallowing in despair. Investigated change and no-thing-ness for some hours. 2-3 Times the energy current moved to the solar plexus and it felt that the tension there opened. Although the tension is still there, but that was how it felt. That tension has been there since 7-8 years ago (at least) AFAIK.
The experience has been less unpleasant since I started practicing.

Tuesday, May 4, 2021, 4:09 AM

Went to bed in the afternoon. Limbs had become very cold. Practiced in bed for a while. There was jaw clenching I guess. Tension inside the head, and pain in the neck (I guess that’s responsible for the numbness, the tensions there). It seems that these few days I have those dreams that have vast open spaces in them, but I don’t remember them. Often during practice I get a vague impression of them. Just before waking up had an unpleasant dream with old roommates and friends, also I felt hungry in the dreams and were looking for food, because again I have aversion to eating in these few days, so I was actually hungry. After waking up, it has been mostly neutral/ordinary. Some tension in the abdomen and legs. It feels that the abdomen is tired. There was a rise of sexual energy for a short period. High mindfulness before sleep. Now more ordinary. Pain on and around the heart after the activation of energy during the practice. Energetics movements on the knees, before and after the sleep. Intense painful energy rise from the genitals when in bed, with that tickling flavor.

9:27 AM
Last few hours it has been emotionally neutral mostly. Higher clarity in the sensations with openness, inclusiveness and stillness. Less tension in the body. Some flickering of lights with faint swaths of lights and shadows, with subtle vibrations in the visual field, and arising of violet/blue lights. Some energetic activity, mostly in the legs and base of spine, not harsh, more like slow waves of vibrations.
Sleepiness has arisen, though without that soreness in the muscles! I don’t feel I have the energy for things that I need to do, working, shopping, cooking. I guess I’ll sleep. I even don’t feel the energy needed to go to bathroom then to bed.
Frequently there is movements of a little gray shadow sensation in the visual field, that it seems a fly or mosquito just flew away.
Sadness and disenchantment has arisen.
It feels that the core of the body, chest abdomen pelvis arm legs, the inner most part of all, wants to spit out something and get rid of it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 12:52 AM

Didn’t do much formal practice before sleep, but practiced for a few hours in bed. Lots of intense energetics, some new locations having pain or vibrations. The energy current, its pain, and the vibrations have started to spread/penetrate into the pelvis, abdomen and solar plexus and heart, and that’s very good, although uncomfortable. Body-mind gets the training to have intense pain, but stay still, have equanimity, and not do anything about it. Once I got up to go to bathroom, before that there was burning in my left earlobe with feeling of heat and numbness in the left side of the face and head, after getting up I noticed it’s gone, and when I returned to bed, I noticed the body feels more comfortable and pleasant, and the breath in the nostrils feels mildly cool and pleasant, with mildly pleasant tingles in the hands and feet.
After waking up some of the discomforts are not present, but that quiet sadness and disenchantment is there with mild discomfort in the throat, upper chest and around the heart, and another thing that fuels it is the discomfort in the eyes. They have been uncomfortable for some weeks now, but last few days they were very uncomfortable, pain and watering, that regularly I have to keep them closed because the light causes pain. They’ve always had problem with light. I already have problem with working, and the pain in the neck and eyes makes it worse.

5:06 AM
The movements and vibrations of these faint lights and shadows with the eyes open has been consistently noticeable since last morning.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 5, 2021, 10:40 PM

No formal practice before bed. Few hours of practice in bed. Intense painful energetic. A few were of a new kind so they made the body move, but I could stay still with other ones. Toes were moving for hours because of the energy. I was focused on the mental image space, that at some point there was a clear recognition that all of the boundaries between places and people’s houses are just like transparent images and light show, and there is no boundaries. Then it expanded to the perception of people’s minds and lack of boundary between them, but it wasn’t that clear. Then there was an increase of clarity and sleepiness was gone completely. It took 6-7 hours to fall asleep, that made the body quite exhausted. For some hours mental images were very clear, that they were close to external sights. After waking up, that deep sadness is there. The vibrating faint lights and shadows in the visual field are there. There were jewel-tone bright dots and blobs of color while in bed, in different colors.
The eyes are still pretty uncomfortable. And these bright lights that appear in the vision, seem to cause discomfort for them too. I hope these energetics don’t affect these eyes because they can’t tolerate much discomfort, although I’ve noticed few different kinds of discomfort in them related to energy, like itching, burning, or coldness as if there is wind inside them. Today there is pain in their bones after the energetics in the morning.

Last few hours the violet lights have been present consistently and they are clearer. If I try to describe it, when I close the eyes, at first a circular area appears in the center, that it has a dim white color, with not clear edges, that flickers, maybe 3-4 pulse in a second, that while flickering it starts to shrink, and as it shrinks, the space that it had occupied, fills with flickering violet light. With similar pattern, the violet lights shrinks to a smaller size while it’s flickering, and a dark-gray or black color fills its space, then the black space shrinks while flickering and gets replaced by another violet, and similar pattern is going on in the periphery too, but their shape is less defined and this show continues for a short or long time. Often there is some white lights too, as a border around the violet, or violet is a border around the white or around the black. It’s the same with the eyes open too, though with the eyes open, since the background it bright, most of it is faint and transparent, and the part of the violet/blue, black and white that are stronger and more solid is seen more clearly, and the whole space in front of the eyes, 1-3 feet width (sometimes larger), flickers. The brightest part of the violet or white light is not pixelated like most of the content in the murk. It’s more like coal or alcohol flame that is flickering and expanding and contracting at the same time. Sometimes there is purple mixed in too, but most times it’s violet and/or blue. Sometimes (like now) a pale green is mixed with it too, or a golden yellow.

Thursday, May 6, 2021, 5:20 AM

The experience has been quite unpleasant all this night. Sadness and disenchantment were predominant, with guilt and shame related to work, with discomfort in the throat and around the heart.
In  the last hour, the flickering in the visual field has been more obvious. There was some energetic activation, in different parts of the body and a brief orgasm-like feeling. There is purple color added to the violet light show.

7:47 AM
A sit focused on the change and no-thing-ness mainly in the visuals. There were energetics, but only few of them were painful. Movements of color statics became much faster. Almost no subtle or gross distractions for a good portion of the sit. There is a reduction in the unpleasantness of emotions. There was more purple in the murk, also a few times red appeared for a moment. I almost never have red in the murk.

9:37 AM
Another sit with the same technique applied to the whole field of experience. I tried to apply it to the core processes as Daniel calls it, to the intentions, effort, aversions/attractions, subtle emotions etc. Energetic were more intense. A painful one in the sacrum was getting more intense, so I intended for it to turn into tingles, it didn’t turn into tingles but it went away. Applied this to a few other pains and it reduced their intensity.
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, May 7, 2021, 2:10 AM

The eyes are still pretty uncomfortable. I’m sitting in the dark room with the eyes closed most of the time. Previously when having this problem, it would get better after 2-3 days of less exposure to light, but this time it takes longer. I’ve been watching sky and clouds every day for some weeks, and now I have to pay the price. At least I made some food, since the frustration of not eating well in the last days took over.

5:49 AM
Two sits focused on noticing change and no-thing-ness mainly in the core processes, in a very slow and gentle way.

11:48 AM
Went to bed in the morning. Did some practice there, noticed the tension increases and energetics becomes more painful and intense. The point in the back of the head was like it’s on a nail. So I relaxed attention, tried to not apply any control on attention, and just let the awareness be aware of whatever that it wants to be aware of. It decided to be aware of the whole body while spreading out from the abdomen, and the space around the body. Attention relaxed more, so did the body, and all energetics were gone. That led me to this guess that the tension between attention and awareness creates tension in the energy body. It went on like that for a while, but then attention became more restless, and tensions started increasing. Stayed there for some time, but there was no sleepiness, and tension became more and more. I spent maybe 1-2 hours just trying to keep the body relaxed for very short periods, but after relaxing one part, tension arose in another part. Especially there is more tension in the head. No wonder that there has been numbness, headache, neck and eyes pain, the neck and head are so tense. After losing hope of falling asleep, I got up. An urge for music arose, listened to a few, awe and enjoyment. Again it felt that it’s unbearable, the music tears apart the being. Body moved with it for some minutes in a ecstatic dance. Quiet mind, tense and painful body, and tender heart with joyful music, what a mix! Another thing that happened in bed was that I remembered a few jokes and funny things, and it caused laughter for some minutes, spontaneous laughter that didn’t leave me any chance for control. It had happened yesterday in bed too, but that was brief. And once more it had happened last night.
Also I noticed that focusing on the color statics especially with the eyes closed causes discomfort for the eyes, still not sure about the why and how of it.
I notice some confidence returning. Oh dear nature, bring some comfort too so I can get some things done!

1:04 PM
The tenderness and joy of music are gone. Tension has decreased. Feeling neutral, with some fatigue and sleepiness in the body, but no dullness in the mind.

Saturday, May 8, 2021, 3:03 AM

Thank whatever, I could sleep. Had some tough dreams. One of them, something had happened and I was in hospital, accident or illness, don’t know, it was a hospital near our previous office that I’ve worked and lived there for some years, so it was like they knew me and gave extra care. One scene they were taking my blood, tons of blood, another I had something like oxygen mask, then they came and said that now they’ll stick the needles, for whatever reason they had to stick big needles to my tongue, and the tips of all my fingers and toes that were connected to tubes going into a machine. They were rubbing alcohol to my left toes, and said that I should stay there for some days, at that moment I thought: ..ok, this is a controlled torture, can you handle its pain and not move? Well, you better do that.. .
In another scene something was revealed to my family about me (don’t know by myself or not) that they were shocked and upset. There were open space and flying dreams too but I don’t remember them.
I guess there was a sword in a dream, but I don’t remember more. I wish I had a sword now with some bamboos to cut.

7:40 AM
The eyes are still uncomfortable, but they feel better than yesterday. That brief confidence that yesterday arose, was not available after waking up. The predominant mind-state has been hopelessness and frustration. I usually have motivation and hope for practice, but now I don’t have that one too, although I am starting to do a sit now. It feels very difficult to go for grocery shopping.

9:45 AM
Did a sit without any agenda. Much fewer energetics than usual. Body got some relaxation. Toward the end tension energetics started arising and, but I just ended it.
I needed to do grocery shopping but it felt impossible to go out. I checked to see if there is enough at house for today, and saw that yeah it can wait until tomorrow morning. But then I thought, what will happen if I just go out? Immediately there was a brief relief, as if before there was a fear of what will happen if I go out, and asking this question revealed than nothing bad will happen. Although the previous feeling came back again, but the question started playing itself in the mind, and it shrank the fear.

11:34 AM
I went out and didn’t die. And when came back, the house is still here! Although that might be an actual fear. Because I notice that in similar situations, the long term thinking goes away, and that might be because there is no hope for living longer. I had not noticed this before.
While coming back, I noticed anger has arisen. Anger at myself, although with it was a compassion toward myself too, that there is no place for beating up myself. The anger was saying that, you could use more of the opportunities of this life, and the other voice said, yeah whatever.
It seems that there was a shift toward the end of the sit, because tension, numbness and jerkiness have increased, also the energy I guess.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 8, 2021, 2:16 PM

That energetic pain in the fingers has arisen again, it has a crushing flavor. Lights were flickering in the visual field, but now they seem gone. Some minutes ago he noticed increased clarity in the sights, then a discomfort around the heart arose, and then vibrations started at the back of that head. Those vibrations/tingles moved to the top of his head.

5:17 PM
There has been disenchantment predominant for some hours.
The flickering lights in the vision keep coming and going. Same with the vibrations in the back and top of the head.
Did a sit with no intention about the technique. Very few energetics. Strong sleepiness and distorted perceptions in the later part.
A few of the energetics at the sacrum and other locations felt cold, like in touch with ice or cold water, which might be a state/stage thing, but I don’t know more yet.
For some days there was a strong urge to practice, that I tried to keep mindfulness most of the time. This past day I haven’t had that urge, although there is mindfulness that I don’t get lots in thoughts.

Sunday, May 9, 2021, 12:32 AM

Watched a few videos from John Bradshaw Homecoming series (Thanks to George for mentioning him). I liked it. It led to lots of reflection, laughter, cry, grieving, sobbing and etc. The abdomen felt very tense and painful, but a bit lighter later. There was a release of sexual energy after that. I was thinking that my problem with working from home probably is related to the neglects of childhoods from my parents, and listening to this made it clearer. I have two guesses, one that I’ve lost the roles that would provide reward satisfaction, like being the one at work that solves problems, or being the one that supports his family, but they all have become so routine that I don’t derive satisfaction from it. But since I haven’t learned to care for myself and go after my own needs, when other people don’t have urgent needs, I stop doing the things that I would do before. The other guess is that, I continue not working, so that finally someone gets upset and says something, or that someone gets curious or caring, and asks something, that what the hell is going on with you boy? So that finally someone recognizes and respects my pain. It’s a way of getting attention in a torturous way.

Also it occurred to me that, the same way that tending to repressed emotions brings tension in the body, also relaxing the tensions in meditation releases the emotions that have created those tensions in the first place. And probably it’s the case that there is a mapping between different parts of the body and different kinds of emotions, so relaxing tensions in the legs may bring one set of emotions, and releasing tensions in the shoulders and neck may bring a different set of emotions. There was a sense of relief, that at least for now I don’t care what anyone feels about whatever I do or don’t. Beings are countless, let’s … them all. Replace it with bow or whatever your crazy mind wants.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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That makes a lot of sense. Being made to work for your parents as a kid could mean that working from home is associated with not having your own needs taken care of. And then yeah not working would be your way of getting the attention and "care" that you need!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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George S
That makes a lot of sense. Being made to work for your parents as a kid could mean that working from home is associated with not having your own needs taken care of. And then yeah not working would be your way of getting the attention and "care" that you need!

Hey George,
Working at office brings a structure with it, you go out every day, you come home, you visit people, etc. So it becomes habitual more easily, and you don't get to question why I have to work..., at least for me. But when working at home, there isn't that structure in place, and there is a question mark in front of every thing, so the core issues come up more easily. When going to office, I'd shave hy beard, probably to look certain way to people, but now I don't do that, since I haven't learned and internalized to do it to just feel good. Because feeling good and enjoying things for myself always have been out of the picture. So it spreads to every thing, and cripples the life.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, May 9, 2021, 4:53 PM

Last night I went to bed with less worry and guilt, and since I was awake for over 20 hours, I fell asleep quickly and slept well. There was a dream, that I was in somewhere like a military camp that I had to stay there, but I didn’t know the people or its rules, so it seemed that I tried to establish some boundaries and gain some authority, because I did some martial arts movements to scare a few people and said things to some others with a strong tone to put them in their places, and it seemed that it worked (This reminds me of my middle school, that was a boarding school in another town, and that was one of the things that I did their to protect myself, I had noticed that I have two choices here, be a sheep or a wolf, and I went toward the second one).
Woke up once in the morning, and after returning to bed, I noticed that I am breathing easily and without much or any tension in the abdomen. It was somewhat shocking, because in the last 7-8 years, I really don’t remember much or any time to have a relaxed breathing. Always there was this tension in the abdomen. Had several hours of sleep after that, and when waking up, I noticed that still abdomen feels better. And since then, there isn’t much tension there.
Previously I thought that this tension is related to fear, but yesterday when listening to talks I noticed that it’s related to sadness. When a strong sadness arises, I tense the abdomen automatically, or when sobbing, the most tense place in the body is the abdomen. Listening to the rest of the videos from Bradshaw, which bring lots of grief and sobbing and such.
A colleague-friend has been working with a therapist, an old woman that doesn’t do it for money it seems, and he encouraged me to contact her and work with her, since its fee is not much, but she first does some initial work with you to see if she wants to continue it or not. I guess I’ll try it next month.

7:49 PM
Once I noticed in bed after waking up, that different thoughts arose worrying about different things, something like what if this happens, what if that happens, but there was another thread of thoughts that replied to all of them: ..Don’t worry, I am here, I am here, I am with you, doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, I am with you.. . Pretty much like a kid is talking with a caring adult. There was sense of relief, confidence and freedom in it.

Today I didn’t need any shopping, but a restlessness arose to just go out and take a walk. Although the body feels very tired (I guess because of the release, and there is mild sleepiness), but I went and it was good. It felt more comfortable to walk with a less tense abdomen.
The last 2-3 hours there is a mild feeling of sadness maybe, its flavor is less clear. It seems that it’s different from the grief I had while listening to talks.

9:01 PM
Sleepiness and tiredness becomes more predominant with some soreness (I had a good/long sleep today). Some purple/violet lights keep coming and going, with flickering lights (The flickering and pixelation happens more with the right eye, maybe because it has more problems, I don’t know.). Mild sadness and hopelessness. Pain has arisen in the neck with tension inside the head. It seems some energetics start spreading from the neck down toward shoulder blades.
On the phone I told my mother that I’ll care less about how and what you and every one else feels and thinks, and she said:..very good, do it, if anyone gets upset, they’ll drink some water, it’s not your problem.. . I was expecting her to say that, but hearing it gives some comfort.

Energetics have become active in the last 10-15 minutes.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 10, 2021, 2:27 AM

The sleepiness became very intense for some time, then gradually decreased, now it’s mostly gone. There has been tension in the legs with different degrees of intensity. Some energetics arose, there were new pains and small energy currents in some new places, but then it decreased. Listened to a few of Bradshaw’s talks, and did 1-2 of the guided meditations in it. The one titled Homecoming led to sobbing for most of that 9 minutes. The sadness has decreased. There is increasing and decreasing tension in the abdomen, although in overall it’s less tense.
I did a few other short meditations following his instructions about redoing some past memories of bad behaviors that I feel guilty about, also a few that I had been embarrassed without doing anything wrong.

4:14 AM
Did a sit focused on the body, breath and space in a gentle way. Strong sleepiness arose quickly that made the rest of the sit like a nap. There were some energetics, some intense pains in new locations. There were some creepy-scary faces in the murk, not very clear though. Most of them were images of addicts with strange faces or bodies. Last night after going to bed I had a few creepy-scary faces too, they were mostly a mix of human and animal faces.

11:37 PM
There was a dream in the morning with the family that I was very angry in it. One of those imaginal situations that would never happen outside a dream. My younger nephew had a health issue in his early years that took some years to find the root cause. In the dream he was around 4-5 and my father suggested to give him “a strong painkiller”, to comfort him, and that made me very angry. I started yelling at him as loud as I could that how dare you want to give that to him, he is just a kid.. . It was interesting that my brother that doesn’t have a good relationship with my father, in the dream tried to defend him and said that he didn’t say anything that bad, why are you angry. But I was burning in rage, and when my father wanted to explain, I yelled more, and at that moment this thought came that, this could end a relationship, but I thought I don’t care, I won’t let that happen to a kid. Then I took my nephew into my arms, and he kissed my chicks, then my forehead, and I asked him to do it with his grandfather too, and he kissed my father’s chicks, then the strangest thing happened, that my brother told my nephew to kiss my father’s forehead! All of it was symbolic.
One interesting thing is that with dreams that are about fear and there is screaming in it, I use my actual voice it seems because I hear myself when waking up, or even with laughter, but it seems that it doesn’t happen with anger.

I woke up with this dream, but before going back to bed, there was a sudden arising of sexual energy that made me stay awake for some time. Then I went back to sleep and was in bed for 10 hours maybe.

Tuesday, May 11, 2021, 12:46 AM

The day before yesterday I talked with my colleague that was saying how the therapy helps him and it doesn’t hurt to try it. He is usually the one that gets my work reports, and the current task that I had, I had to finish it last Friday, but I’ve only done a little bit of it. My usual answer would be something like :.. sorry I wasn’t able to work, I’ll finish it in x days blah blah.. , because that part of me gets frightened and guilty. But tonight I told: ..I don’t know, we will see what happens and I can’t tell you how I’ll do.. . I don’t feel okay, but there is a relief in not getting that much frightened and guilty.

Listening to Bradshaw, this thought came that I need to buy my little self some of the things that I would dream to have. I always loved writing, so as a kid I would dream to have more pens and pencils and notebooks. I used to stand in front of the stores and watch the pens. I guess that’s why I always love buying pens, I buy a lot of it but it doesn’t satisfy. I also dreamed to have a pencil case as a kid. Other kids had it but I didn’t, and it always looked magical to me. I thought that there are hidden places inside it with wonderful things. I guess it was in high school or after that that I finally bought one, but it wasn’t magical anymore, at that time musical instruments were magical. Of course later that happened with instruments too, that I bought many different instruments, albeit cheap ones. I wonder when it will happen with cars and bicycles and swords! Although I bought a bicycle once when I was 26-27, and tried to learn riding it, and learned it to some extent, but then later I made a mistake and gave it to someone’s kid.

A few hours ago there was a sudden increase in the flickering and movements in the visual field and those violet lights arose, but became very bright and white and golden for a while. Energetics were absent tonight, but they arose in the last few minutes.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, May 11, 2021, 3:30 AM

The last two days that I’ve listened to Bradshaw and there was some light in the darkness and some emotional releases, there was a sense of relief and freedom, but today that isn’t available, especially after the exchange with my colleague, as if it’s like the pattern still operates and why shouldn’t it operate. If you had a hope that you have some new understanding that will bring improvement, but as always, that hope will leave you too, that’s the pattern. That relief will leave you and let you be alone on yourself again.
Sadness and hopelessness and loneliness are predominant that cause lack of energy and strength in the body.

4:14 AM
Did a short guided practice with Bradshaw, that I took a painful scene from childhood of being alone and worked with it, all of it was crying. Feeling a tiny bit lighter after that. But this thought comes to mind again and again, as if this crying is wrong, that shouldn’t happen, that something is wrong with me. But if there isn’t grief, how could you cry! Fuck this system that its main moving force is blame, shame and guilt.

5:41 AM
Lots of tension in the legs and feet, as if I am sitting on the tensions, the moment I relax them it’s like I am about to fall and lose balance, so it tenses again immediately.

7:28 AM
There was increase of tension in the abdomen and legs. I gave a little knife massage to the abdomen. A few minutes later some vibration arose in the left part of the body and energetics in the right shoulder blade. Later there was numbness and lack of strength in the arms and legs. A memory came to mind of childhood neglects, and I brought other memories to mind and expressed anger out loud to my parents, to my father for the neglects, and to both of them for putting blames on me, and making me feel guilty about who I am, and seeing my strengths as weakness or wrong things. Anger intensified and I used my hands to express it on physical objects, and I noticed that the abdomen tenses up more as I feel angry.
I don’t blame them, but it seems that I need to explore and express this anger.

8:21 AM
There was an increase of numbness and weakness in the arms and legs, but it seems it has decreased, but tension has increased and there is shakiness in the arms and legs. The anger mixed with sadness has stayed which is quite noticeable in the face, also in the throat and around the heart. Energetics have started moving at the base of spine and legs.
There are brief pains, tensions, vibrations in the head and face with movements in the lips.

10:04 AM
The anger seems to be gone with numbness and feelings in the face. I did two of Bradshaw’s meditations, one that was about remembering an old memory, nothing new came to me, but a minute later when I heard him say magnet, I remembered some early memories that I don’t know when was the last time that I had remembered them. I loved collecting magnets and marbles and looking through marbles, and I remembered some of that.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021, 7:55 AM

Had a long sleep yesterday, before sleeping there were more childhood memories that came up that I had not remembered for a long time. The things that I could create with paper at very young age that now I have no idea how I could do. Creating paper boats when I was around 5, and I tried to remember its instruction but I couldn’t. During the night I did some grief and anger work with Bradshaw’s videos, again lots of tears. After this last episode there was a sense of comfort and that main energy current started moving slowly at the base of spine, abdomen and knees, but the body feels very tired now. Also I remembered that I used to love tapestry weaving and I’d dream to buy one to work on it but I never could, and later I forgot. For some years we had a carpet at house that my mother with my sisters would work on it while my brother and me worked outside. And there would be times occasionally that at nights or other times that I didn’t have to work, I’d start working on it because I loved the carpet weaving itself, and I’d enjoy it (although most times the conditions were not ok). I remembered that, and it gave me a little interest and motivation to start working on my current tasks, not because of fear or guilt, but just out of interest and enjoyment, the thing that I’ve been longing for for some years now. Although that feeling is gone, but I guess I’m going to start to work a little bit, and go to bed if it becomes annoying.

The violet lights/colors arise frequently, and similar to the last day, they are very bright, different from their usual manifestation. These two days there is a little difference in the murk with eyes closed too. I don’t have the energy to describe it in details, but the white light is much brighter and there is higher color contrast. The movements are less chaotic, and the color statics look closer to a solid color.

As I was thinking to start working, I notice more fear and hopelessness arise, and it occurred to me now that this situation with work is pretty much like the situation I’d have with writing an essay in school. From the third grade in the elementary school we had a course to write an essay, and for the first few years I hated it. Although later I learned some tricks, but before that it was frightening. I wouldn’t know how to start, it would take quite a while to start, considering that we had to write in a language (Farsi) other than our mother tongue (Azeri). I’d never be satisfied with what I wrote. Then I’d be frightened that they’ll read it, and the worst thing was that, they may ask me to read it myself. Most times the main thing I’d do in the class was to pray that the teachers don’t ask me to read something or walk over to the blackboard. That’s why I learned most of the material myself, either before the teacher teach it or after it. I almost never learned it from the teacher.
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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You're working with some deep powerful stuff here. All I can say is that if you can remain present with the core shame/guilt/anger long enough then it starts to run out of fuel.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thanks George for your support.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 12, 2021, 12:43 PM

It seems that I have less worry and guilt about others’ (family, colleagues) feelings. I usually feel myself responsible for such things. I remember that I used to feel guilty that my siblings were not as good as me in their studies in the school and later. It sounds silly, but it’s very real.

2:24 PM
The spell is broken. After 11-12 days, finally I started working and continued for 1-2 hours. Last few hours I felt better, and I noticed fear in it. Feeling okay brings fear because if I feel okay I have to be responsible, and that the energy and opportunity that was available now that made me be able to work, won’t be available the next time, so the better way is that I work now as much as I can because there is no next time. There may not be explicit thoughts with this content, but this is how it feels. I need to work on that and reframe it. I need to train myself that starting to work doesn’t mean leaving comfort and security forever, and if I had any comfort and security before that, I can have it later too. This is the abandonment and scarcity mind-set.

5:00 PM
Did a sit focusing on the body, with some resolutions in the beginning. There was/is tension in the face/jaw, legs and arm. Abdomen was relatively relaxed but now is tense. There were some energetics but then sleepiness arose and the rest of the sit was consumed by it. Mind was not collected. There are brief arising of emotion that is hard to know its flavor, but it seems to be fear/disappointment, that won’t go well.., whatever that “it” would be.
There were jewel tone small blobs of color in the murk. Also black dots arise frequently, very bright/shiny and clear with a ring and halo around it.
The sensations show their stillness very slightly. There is an urge to learn a new skill. A week ago I started listening to the audio files of an english learning book again to improve my english, there is an urge to continue it. I wish to have some energy too.

7:02 PM
The unified mindfulness folks have their online immersion retreat start, and Shinzen started it by giving and introduction and a guided meditation on See Hear Feel. It was good to see hear Shinzen live. I practiced with his guidance. Some relaxation and clarity, then energetics movement along the spine and legs, then strong sleepiness.
There was impression of faces in the murk, similar to previous sit. Previous sit they seemed creepy, but this sit not. Let’s see if any dream is waiting for us in bed. I stayed awake to see Shinzen, glad that I did.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, May 13, 2021, 3:23 PM

I had stayed awake longer so I had a long sleep. I tried to practice in bed, but it happened many times that I focused on something, and the next thing that happened was that I came out of sleep/dream and noticed that I was gone, then focused again and got lost in sleep again. At one point I noticed that I am laughing. Again I don’t remember what I was laughing at, but I was aware of the body in bed and heard myself laughing, but I couldn’t know if I was awake or sleep or had any dreams. Don’t remember the dreams yet.
Today I remembered some details about that paper boat that I used to make in childhood, but still not the full instruction. I remember that in later years of childhood I had forgotten some of its details, and I would try to make a boat but the outcome wouldn’t be good.
There was too much jaw clenching while in bed, that I was worried about breaking my teeth. I lost one of them some weeks ago that had endured too much pressure.
The moment I woke up I noticed some worry/guilt, but I said out loud:’s none of your/anyone’s business, this is my life and I know what to do with it.. . It felt good. A few minutes later some laughter/smile arose for a few minutes without any specific content.
Today there is less tension in the legs and arms. Sometimes there is less tension in the abdomen, but then some worry/guilt arises and makes it tense, the worry/guilt goes away but the tension remains.

11:49 PM
There has been low energy and disenchantment for some hours. Then there was energetic activation, with fine-grained vibrations in the back part of the left side of the body. Since then the energetics arise for some minutes then they go away and come back again. Then sleepiness with soreness in the body. I did a sit, but it was consumed by sleepiness, I don’t remember its technique or any other thing from it. This intensity of sleepiness discomforts is not related to lack of sleep since I had a long sleep. It feels like my skin is a few sizes smaller than my body size.

Friday, May 14, 2021, 2:03 AM

The thing that was going on for a few weeks, that I practiced for hours each day with a sense of urgency, has not been there these few days. Also there has been less mindfulness and clarity. I don’t get lost in thoughts much, but there is a difference. The sleepiness was predominant, and I am going to bed, but it’s been some minutes that the sleepiness and soreness are gone.

4:39 AM
I was in bed and half asleep half awake, that I felt something like an earthquake, so I got up quickly. But now that I am checking, there wasn’t any earthquake tonight, and it should have been another of the energetics in the body!
All previous times that there was earthquake here, I was asleep and woke up by the earthquake!

6:27 PM
Had a good sleep. It seemed that practice went on for some time while in and out of sleep. Once I noticed that I am laughing, that continued for some minutes. Again I don’t remember anything about the subject, it was just laughing and being aware of the body.
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live guided Feel Flow meditation. A thought consumed part of the sit because I had doubt about doing something. Also the upstairs neighbors noises disturbed the practice, I noticed possibility of anger in the sit. Body-mind was very still for part of the sit, that the tension in the abdomen decreased and breath became subtler. After the sit the noises increased and the anger was quite noticeable, with mental images of going up there and kicking the neighbor’s door to break. I expressed its energy on the couch with my hands, while there was mental images of my father listening to news with loud volume while we had to sleep or study in the same room.
Today was a little more productive and I did laundry and cut my beard, but now there is zero energy and motivation to work. In the last 20-30 minutes the sleepiness discomforts have arisen again and are becoming more intense.

11:31 PM
Thank universe including myself, that I could work for some hours today and finish a task. One thing that I noticed that makes the experience of working unpleasant, was this self-criticism about having high performance during the work. I have always preferred my salary to be based on the number of hours that I work, so I become very obsessed about the times that are not productive or are spent for other activities during the work, and that leads to unrealistic expectations, and obsessive critiques. Like I was testing something, and I was waiting to see if a request will time out, and the time out was one minute, but thoughts/feelings arose that you are wasting the time that you are paid for. This is not something new and I’ve noticed this self-criticism for many years, but I guess I wasn’t quite aware of its destructive effect on my motivation to work.

The sleepiness discomforts have been present.
The mind-state seems to be mostly neutral. Almost no energetics most times. A relatively high degree of clarity in sensations. And occasionally bright white dots arise that are very clear and defined, that then turn into a black dot if I close my eyes.
After expressing the anger in the afternoon, it seems that there is less tension in the abdomen.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 15, 2021, 1:28 AM

Right after writing previous update, the sleepiness discomforts became intense. Then the main energy current started moving at the base of spine, also in the abdomen 3 fingers width below the navel, and after 1-2 minutes, energetics and vibrations arose in different parts of the body with moderate intensity, and there were lots of vibrating and moving color statics, lights and shadows in the vision, like a somewhat transparent smoke fog. It was like that for 20-30 minutes I think, then their intensity decreased, but they have been present in a mild form since then.
Last few hours the baseline of the experience is equanimity. The difference with last days feels exactly like a heavy cloudy day with a sunny bright and cool day. Like there is enough space in the experience, that worries that arise, can dissolve into it easily and quickly.

Since yesterday sometimes there is a feeling in part of the body, that is like it’s in touch with cold water. Now it’s present in the right side of the chest.

2:33 AM
A very short sit focused on Feel Flow, I ended it to go to bed. I set an intention last night to go to bed before 3-4 AM each night, let’s see if I can do it for 3 nights. Unlike the afternoon sit, there were energetics. Once a very painful one arose at the center of both soles of feet and moved up. There was brief coolness. Also like last night, pleasant smells and scenes from childhood memories of the family village. Before ending an image arose in the murk for a fraction of a second, but it was so brief that it might have been just some bright lights.
There are energetic pains and itches in the abdomen and back, with vibrations in the legs and right shoulder blade.
I took a notebook and a pencil now to put a checked mark for last night and tonight about sleep hour, and the notebook and pencil are similar to those that I’d use in childhood, and it gives a pleasant feeling. I need to gather more of such things that have good feeling, and be in touch with them. Just looking at this sheet of paper with blue pencil on it makes me feel good.

3:44 PM
Last night there were sleepiness discomforts for most of the night, but before going to bed, sleepiness went away. In bed I practiced Feel Flow in a gentle way, but as time passed, alertness and clarity increased, and energetics and vibrations started spreading everywhere, with sexual feelings in the lower body, and these feelings and accompanying thoughts intensified. It took 2-3 hours to find some sleepiness and ride with it. I slept for two hours them woke up, and noticed it’s the same, with vibrations and sexual feelings. A strong urge arose to check some of my old books and notebooks, so I started digging there, I found some diaries that felt good to read them again. I picked some math books that once I had bought them to use for teaching math, and it was interesting how much of it I have forgotten, almost all of it. Visiting these old memories brought excitement and laughter. Before going back to bed, there was more increase of energy, so there was no chance for sleep, and I got up. There are intense feelings since then, with chills and vibrations in the body. It was wild.
Last few weeks for some days there were waves of vibrations after waking up for a few hours, now it’s like that. Any little emotion causes chills/vibrations to spread from a point in the back of the neck to the head and torso, also they arise in lower legs.
I like to study those math books again. In later years of high school that I got interested in math, I would take a paper sheet and write math on it with very small font, trying to fill every bit of space on the sheet. It would become an art work at the end. I like to do that.

5:56 PM
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live Feel Good guidance. I brought some images to mind of games that we would play in childhood or wooden toys that I used to make, it felt good, but the concentrations didn’t establish, and the mind was not collected.
Recurring thoughts arise that why am I writing this kind of reports, and then why am I sharing it, but I can’t find any good reason for not doing it.
​​​​​​​As usual, lots of self-critiques arise, that in one sense seem to be legitimate, but I need to remind myself that at this point, it doesn’t matter much if they are legitimate or not, what matters is that they are not helping me.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 15, 2021, 6:57 PM

Remembered it now. Last night in bed there were those feelings in the body that feels like the body is being pulled in different directions, or a force like a wind is pushing part of the body upward. Also that thing happened once that feels like the body just landed on the ground. I’ve been interested to see if that experience has any correlation with breathing and in which part of the breath cycle it happens. I caught this one, it was in the middle of the in-breath.
After those, the feelings in the lower body had this flavor for some minutes, that the outer part felt cold, like it’s inside cool water, and the inner part had tingly heat that felt like it’s coming from the inner most part. Not unpleasant, maybe slightly pleasant.

Sunday, May 16, 2021, 10:02 AM

I created another file to record my dreams there, so I don’t have to write them here, though I may include the important pieces here. Last night it seemed that awareness was present for some time after falling asleep. There was a dream, in its early parts there was movement. First I was in a bus. Then I was gliding very fast on the streets while enjoying it, and then I was running, then there was disappointment at someone that I thought they wasted my time. Then the scene became vast, with water filling it gradually, that I kept looking for a way to climb a wall or run to get out of it and not get drawn. Then I woke up,  and was clearly aware of the body and its image in bed, but the images of my room looked different. There were lights in the right side of the murk, as if there are car lights in that side. The murk looked bigger with lava-like colors and lights moving/dancing slowly in it. I spent 1-2 minutes thinking am I awake or not, because I was clearly aware of the breath, its sound and etc, but the room and its surrounding looked different. I didn’t open my eyes because I thought if I am asleep, that would bring me out of it. For a few minutes I focused on the body gently. Then I intended to go back to that dream with the awareness of the body. Some dream-like images showed up but the state didn’t change. Then I got bored and opened my eyes, and the images of the room gradually looked like its actual form, and the murk returned back to its usual size/form. I’d be interested to know if this state has a technical name.
There was maybe another instance that I woke up and was aware of the body, but maybe sleep or dream was still going on.
Before falling asleep, at one point there was mental images of the bathroom as if I was there watching a tiny insect that was moving, then in 1-2 seconds, those images transformed into the visuals in the murk, and that insect became a tiny oblong shaped dark spot that was moving, but it felt like it’s an insect that is moving. When I am tired or sleepy, this thing happens, that I see some hypnogogic scenes, like clouds, then it transforms into the colors and lights in the murk.

The body feels sleepy now with soreness! It may be because of aversion to working, since urges arise repeatedly to go to bed!

3:10 PM
I did a little cooking and cleaning that felt productive, but still no success in starting to work. As time passed, the fear/guilt about starting it or not starting it became more intense, that the moment I started thinking about working, there was this strong urge to run away and go to bed. I decided to focus on it for a few minutes, so I sat and said in the mind: ..What is it that makes me fear starting the work, and makes the experience of working unpleasant? Show yourself to me.. . And I focused on the body-mind-space. Many mental images arose of the past, maybe 30-40 scenes, of situations at work and other circumstances that I didn’t know what to do, or the current situation was unpleasant and I didn’t have any other options. They kept coming one after the other, but at some point they stopped, as if it ran out of its fuel. Then there was an energetic activation, that seemed that started from a point inside the left hip and spread to the left side of the body, also with sensations moving at the base of spine, and bright lights in the murk, and vibratory buzzing in the head with a release-like feeling in the face with itching in the nose, and orgasm-like feeling in the lower body, with coolness on the skin. That went on for 10-30 seconds, then there was an involuntary deep breath, then stillness in the body-mind, and still there wasn’t any new images from the past. Then I brought to mind a few times the intention to start working, and noticed that it didn’t cause that urgent fear.
There has been too much tension in the feet today.

5:40 PM
Did a sit with Shinzen’s live See Hear Feel guidance. This was the last day of their online retreat. There was intense restlessness in the whole body, now it has subsided a little bit. There was some childhood imagery, and some energetics at the base of spine and left leg. I guess I won’t run away into bed for now and will do some cooking instead.

9:00 PM
​​​​​​​Did another sit, after the cooking. Got relaxed, then sleepy. There is too much sleepiness, I’ll go to bed.
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Monday, May 17, 2021, 10:52 AM

Last night before going to bed and after getting up for the first time, there was increase of energy and alertness with sexual feelings and urges, but I forced myself to stay in bed, and tune to the sleepy and relaxed part of the experience. For the first few hours, I don’t know if I was awake or asleep, awareness was present. There were very painful energetics. In the morning right before waking up there was another of those dreams with movement. I was in a bus that was also like a bicycle and I was sitting just behind the front wheel. It was moving over all kinds of obstacles, big and small, and with each one I anticipated to fall down, but it didn’t and I didn’t. It was a mixture of fear and enjoyment. The moment I woke up I set some intentions for today with some metta phrases, and started noting see hear feel, although I forgot it after some minutes. There were those waves of chills/vibrations in the body for 1-2 hours after getting up. Also tingles/vibrations in the upper back.
The body feels sleepy with soreness all over it, but the mind is alert.
I see signs of small changes in daily life. In the body-mind and life habits. It sometimes feels a little bit like how it was before the last 15 years, and that’s good.

12:58 PM
There are vibrations on the back of the head. Also frequently sexual feelings arise in the lower body. I shouldn’t pay much attention to them, because when focusing on these feelings, it brings intense emotions, that alters the daily routines.

3:45 PM
Today I was able to start working. Worked for less than an hour, then noticed an increase of energy and urge to do something, so I took that opportunity to go out and do grocery shopping. These days it seems that this is the only way to get things done. Sometimes there is a little window of opportunity, energy and motivation for doing things increases, but usually it lasts only less than a minutes, or just seconds, and I should grab it quickly and get up, if I don’t do that, God knows when I’ll have another opportunity. Felt okay before going out, but in the supermarket a guy was radiating negative energy and that made me very impatient. After that I noticed hearing people talking makes me angry. Another cause probably was that my account balance was near zero so I had to pick things carefully to not exceed my balance. Came back home quickly because with that kind of impatience, it’s not wise to be around people, it can get ugly. The anger has stayed since then.
I am trying to redirect the energy of this anger to coding. There are technical complexities in my current task, but a lot of times I can’t think clearly, ideas don’t come.

8:55 PM
I started working, and the mind had real difficulty thinking and figuring things out. It took a while to be able to start typing since I couldn’t know what to do or where to begin. Continued it for 5 hours which is the longest period I’ve worked in a day in recent weeks. I wanted to continue, but I see now that there is no more capacity left in the mind. Body became tired too. Occasionally there was brief periods of interest and motivation for some seconds.
There was an energetic activation with some pains and coolness for some seconds.
Since a few hours ago there are fine-grained vibrations in the back of the left arm and shoulder. It sometimes spreads to the other parts of the left-body.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021, 2:33 AM

Did a sit, it was mostly sleepy. Clear awareness was present only for a few seconds then getting lost in sleepiness, then another few seconds and so on. That heightened level of energy and sexual feelings seems to be gone. The energetics in the sit were mostly heat, itches and pains.
Found a piece of an old sufi book, that had instruction for a breathing technique, and focusing on the point between eyebrows, and the most interesting piece about kasina practice. To have a dark filled circle on a paper with a small white circle in its center, and focus on that white circle without blinking or thinking. 
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, May 18, 2021, 6:29 PM

It took an hour to be able to stay awake and get up today, with intense sleepiness discomforts in the body. They were mostly gone later. I think there were dreams of family and old friends, but I don’t remember. Less energetics compared to the last 3 days, but still they arise frequently, some painful, some sexual, with more uncomfortable ones in the head compared to before. Set intentions/wishes when getting up. Some mild dissatisfaction has been present, but the predominant mind-state has been ordinary-neutral-ness.

After getting up I started noting see hear feel, but I kept forgetting frequently, then it occurred to me that when choosing a practice technique, I should consider the patterns of movement in the desirable or undesirable qualities in the current experience, in terms of expansion/contraction. If the undesirable quality wants to expand, then I should employ a contractive technique, or if a desirable quality wants to expand, I should employ an expansive technique. For instance when I do see hear feel after waking up, usually I forget it quickly, because the mind is scattered and distracted, and that’s the undesirable quality, that wants to expand, so if I use an inclusive/expansive technique like see hear feel, it will help the undesirable quality to expand more, so I’ll forget, but a contractive technique like focusing on one or two narrow spots may work better at that time. Another instance, when an obsessive thought is stuck in the mind, this is a contractive undesirable quality, and the mind wants to shrink, so a contractive technique like focusing on a narrow spot may not help, and it may just move the mind from one contraction to another, but an expansive technique like see hear feel or being aware of space may work better and bring more balance, and let that obsessive thought expand and dissolve into the expansiveness of the cultivated experience by that technique.

Last 5 days I went to bed before 3-4 AM following that intention that I had, but now it gives me discomfort, because it sets a limit in the perception of time, and it makes it more uncomfortable to think about working. When the thoughts of working and this time limit, and the new deadline of my current task arise, it creates an itching-like pain in the core of the legs, and a discomfort in the upper body, with a sense of urgency and frustration and hopelessness, with an urge to run away. Let’s this time stare it in the eyes and start working. There is always time for failing, it doesn’t have to be this moment.

Wednesday, May 19, 2021, 3:04 PM

Last night I worked for two hours but then had a technical complexity and the mind stopped going forward. A deep sadness and despair arose with loss of energy and strength in the body. It was unpleasant, but at least I could go to bed before 3-4 AM. Maybe the intention for going to bed at that time was stronger and it played a trick, I don’t know. Did some practice after that but it was all sleepiness, although before going to bed sleepiness went away and energy and alertness increased with sexual urges. I forced myself to stay in bed. Today after waking up I started noting see hear feel, but then remembered the point I made above, so switched to noting body parts with is narrower. It led to higher mindfulness than previous days but still I forgot it frequently.
I wrote a time table for a day assuming if I sleep before 3-4 AM, and there can be enough time for acceptable amount of work and practice and sleep, if it’s not of those days that the sleep becomes much longer. Having this time table gives comfort, though I know that it will give great discomfort when I fail to follow it, which will happen, but even if I could do it for 30 percent of the days, it’s good. It reminded me of something that my mother used to say, that: write programs for people, can’t you write one for yourself?.. .
One way for achieving it could be to simulate the situation of going to office, to assume that from time t1 to t2 it’s as though I am in the office, and I’ll be there no matter if I have good performance or not, and after t2, I am back home and don’t have to be concerned about working, because tomorrow is available.
More earth element is needed, structure, confidence, pride, nurture.

5:42 PM
These few days there are more distractions in the mind, and there isn’t much motivation to practice. Usually quickly after starting to pay attention, there is an increase in some positive qualities like clarity and collectedness or stillness, but that positive feedback loop is less available now.
As I am trying to start the work, I notice this unpleasantness increasing. The sense of urgency and fear and hopelessness and the need to run away. It becomes clearer where it happens in the body. It’s the face, throat, and the central part of the chest. When it becomes intense, it spreads to the whole body, as kind of a painful itchy sensation in the bones, specially in the legs. And a contracted image of the face is central to it.
Trying to simulate the situation of going to office, I noticed now that there is a key difference. When going to office, usually just arriving there and being there has a positive feeling, that I am at work now. But here, instead of that feeling, there is worry and guilt. I have to cultivate that feeling of being in the office.

7:03 PM
There is intensification of unpleasantness, so I decided to set a small goal (to do formal practice for 5 minutes) and do it to have the feeling of accomplishment. It went on for 30 minutes and some stillness and stability of attention got stablished. The thoughts of ongoing difficulties don’t leave much space for the positive feelings of the sit. The unpleasantness has spread to the legs.
The most painful part is that my financial situation has side effects to the family, and I can’t handle it well. They are happy to help, but I have difficulty to be on the receiving end.


Thursday, May 20, 2021, 11:05 AM

Last night I forced myself with all that I had to start the work, but 10-20 minutes later I felt that I can’t continue, so I wanted to lie down a little bit and maybe have some rest, but I pushed more and continued for 2 hours. I could move it a little bit forward that created some hope. It was interesting that I was getting an error and couldn’t understand it, but later remembered what was wrong, I had forgotten some of the very basic things. I couldn’t continue more and went to bed to have some rest but I fell asleep. There was some dreams related to work. In one of them, a team that was in out previous office, had some technical problem that I had a solution for it, and they asked for help and I agreed to do that. Then there was an important meeting that the head of a big company or maybe a bank was in that meeting to get a technical report of something, and I was on my way to that meeting but someone wasted my time, and there was lots of guilt that all those people in the meeting were waiting for me (A similar situation had happened in the past!). Also I had a dream of being in several bakeries to get some bread, since I didn’t have much energy and motivation to eat yesterday and I was hungry.

5:05 PM
I did a formal sit, chanting (whispering) some names (zikr), it made the body-mind still for a while, and I did that also off-cushion for some time. There was some kind of a different quality to this stillness or quietness, it was similar to the few instances that happened that I woke up from a dream and was aware of the body and the mental images of the body and its surrounding, and the color and lights in the murk, but it was like the thought-space is not much active unless I think a thought intentionally, I don’t know.

The day started easy, but later because of not being able to start the work, all kinds of frustrations arise. Although I’ve eaten enough today, but the body constantly feels hungry and in need to eat something, maybe it’s because of not eating enough yesterday. My arms and legs were shaking, now they are better.
Today the violet light has arisen again. In the last few days other than usual white and black dots, sometimes there is a blue or violet dot too that is a little bigger, that shows up for a second then disappears. Also there is another one which is very beautiful, it doesn’t stay long enough to detect its color clearly, but it looks red, green, orange, all of them and none of them.

9:36 PM
Forced myself to working, and continued it for 3 plus hours. It became easy for a few minutes, then there was strong urge to stop and go to bed, and I had to force with all that I had, then easier, then pushing again. A few times I imagined that I am at office and working there and it made it easier for a few minutes but the misery returned after that again.

​​​​​​​I created a separate file to write these reports with the intention to not share here, because I can’t find a good reason anymore to share here, but I guess I am not 100% sure, that’s why I am posting this one, to see that how I’ll feel about it tomorrow. These days it happens with a lot of things, I can’t find reasons for doing or not-doing things. Things just fall apart. It becomes hard to have preference sometimes.
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, May 21, 2021, 2:26 PM

I’ve started working, but the mind has difficulty thinking and figuring what to do. There is a deep sadness and loneliness. There was a dream that people accused me of supporting a politician, and in a scene he put his hand on my shoulder conveying that he supports what I had said, but I didn’t have any intention to support him and had nothing to do with him. I had just shared what I thought, but people had taken it as a political act and I was worried about the consequences.

5:56 PM
I remind myself repeatedly that I am working at the office, and that makes it possible to continue.  Other times when I reach a point that the mind can’t think well and I notice that I stop being productive, that causes me to stop working, because I don’t want to get paid for a time that is spent without any outcome, but that is unreasonable. At office that doesn’t cause me to go home, I just stay there and continue, and eventually the mind starts functioning again. This makes it a lot more easier, and also productive!

8:17 PM
I went to grocery shop and it was really painful. Why should it be that I don’t have money to even buy a bottle of milk. Why should I not earn more money. And why should the money be used for self-destructive things that bring only misery. I am tired of this. Tired. I can’t do it anymore.
I worked for over 5 hours today, and now I am starting it again. There should be an end to this misery.

9:21 PM
After I finished working, there was an intensification of pains and discomforts in the body. It was a good sign, but very uncomfortable, but I decided not to act. After about half an hour, it has subsided a little bit. And the violet/white light show has arisen.

10:06 PM
Today I worked for around 6 hours, and I stopped and let the rest of it be tomorrow, to have some rest and maybe practice, then go to bed. Now I notice a feeling of guilt for having rest, as if I don’t deserve it. I need to remind myself that I deserve to rest. That it should not be all or nothing. That work can wait sometimes. That rest can wait sometimes. Keeping the balance seems to be the most important thing.

In recent days sometimes it looks/feels like I am perceiving myself as another object in the room, like the rest of the objects, without having a change in the vantage point of the eyes. It’s subtle, but noticeable. Now that I was typing, it felt like …there is a living thing here, like an animal has entered the house!.. . And sometimes the self-story became distant, like the things that are happening, are not mine or related to me, they just happens, and part of it is uncomfortable of course.

10:43 PM
I decided to not stop sharing here, at least for now. Although I don’t have much motivation to share, but I guess it’s good to continue putting my shit out there in the open. It doesn’t matter much if anyone reads it or not, but there should be some place other than my little dark corner, to share this shit publicly. I guess my mind plays tricks to hide. There will be changes, and that’s good.
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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It seems that there is an important nexus here involving work, money, self-destructive habits and feelings of guilt about taking care of yourself. I’m guessing that it’s deeply related to the fact that you had to work as a child to earn money to pay for your father’s habit (looking after him when it was you who needed looking after). Working from home probably intensifies this dynamic. Since you have recently been doing some deep inner child/toxic shame/guilt work, it’s very normal for the driving issues to show up even more forcefully than they did before. This is a sign that you have arrived at the crux of the matter! The pain and discomfort probably feel bottomless, but from what you’ve shared of your history I’m guessing that it doesn’t go much deeper than this for you. There also seems to be a slight tendency to dissociate, which is also very normal with core emotional trauma stuff. Irene Lyon has some good videos on youtube for working with core trauma and how to stay present in the body. I would recommend checking them out if you haven’t already, starting with this one:
Siavash ', modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Maybe it's related to that, I don't know.
Maybe it's part of "I do to myself what you did to me", but I don't know.

Yes, I've written her name to check it later. Thanks.
George S, modified 2 Months ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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It’s interesting how she defines “trauma” - not by the severity of the external circumstances but by the intensity of the internal reaction. She makes the point that some people can survive very traumatic events relatively unscathed (due to their healthy early conditioning) whereas other people can be heavily traumatized by fairly benign seeming forms of emotional neglect or social marginalization (if primary caregivers were unable to provide them secure attachments). Such people often feel guilty about accepting that they were traumatized at all, especially as they would not have been old enough to remember the early neglect. It’s common for them to rationalize it - ‘my parents had it worse than me’ or ‘plenty of other people had it worse’ or ‘times were tough, my parents did the best they could’. Such statements may technically be true, but buying into them just continues the pattern of minimizing/repressing the trauma and compounding the feelings of guilt and shame (‘I didn’t have it that bad and yet I still can’t cope, what’s wrong with me?’) But the body doesn't lie - if the symptoms are there then the traumatization was there in one form or another.

Please let me know if this is not helpful or if I’m going too far.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 I don't know.
At the moment many ideas come to my mind but they are not organized, so I better not throw them here.
I'll write about it if I could listen to her in the next days.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, May 22, 2021, 1:57 PM

I could follow the sleep routine and slept well. At one point I woke up and noticed I am laughing. There has been relatively positive mind-state today. I had a chat with my colleague about this work situation. He offered several suggestions, but none of them was possible for me to do. At the end he asked can you work 28 hours a week, and how you would want to divide it in 7 days, and I chose to work from Saturday to Wednesday and have the weekends for rest. It felt a bit like a child talking to an adult, or a student to a teacher, for the first time in a long time. I let him, because recently I notice that he recognizes the problem and respects it, and that’s the thing that I’ve never seen from anyone around me (Although recently my family have better understanding of the situation.). And he does it with care and kindness, which makes me have less defense.

The eyes have been very uncomfortable today, and I noticed again that when the mind is engaged with thoughts related to this work situation, it makes them more uncomfortable!
Some minutes ago the violet lights arose and filled the whole space in front of the body with high brightness and flickering and went away after about 10 minutes.
I don’t remember if I did formal practice yesterday, but in bed I did some.

3:12 PM
I’ve been thinking about why is it that being at office has a positive feeling, but at home it’s lacking. I think with office, I consider my main responsibility to just arrive there and be there, and after that I don’t have much responsibility and things just flow and as a result I have a good performance and there is enough technical confidence to not worry about that part much. But at home, the notion of responsibility is totally different, that for each moment of it, I am responsible for the technical part, for my financial situation, my family’s financial situation, things that happened in the last months or may happen in the next months, hmmm. It’s like you are trying to run, but you are tied with a rope that ’s pulling you back with a force close to your strength, or stronger than that.

10:08 PM
I worked for 6 hours today. It was productive. Although in general the mind-state was more positive today, but I think a key factor that made the difference, was imagining that I am working at office, that each time that there was an urge to stop (which happened tens of times), I reminded myself that you are working at the office, you wouldn’t stop and go home then. Also the exchange with my colleague gave a sense of security/relief. Similar to yesterday, typing was enjoyable for the most part. In the last 2-3 hours I notice that frequently there is a deep feeling of hopelessness, that stays for some minutes and goes away until the next occurrence, but I better focus on the more positive qualities of the day. A sense of confidence was established after getting some output.
The violet lights have been present, and sometimes it becomes intense.

10:56 PM
Last night there were some energetic pains that were relatively intense, now they arise again. Some minutes ago something like throbbing arose in the nose, that was intense and felt like a force inside it is moving up, or moving the nose up, and passed away after 10-30 seconds.

Sunday, May 23, 2021, 12:29 AM

The body has become very tired and sleepy with a lot of pain. Usually the intensification of violet lights and sleepiness discomforts occur together, so they might be related to each other. It’s interesting that I don’t have much urge to practice, although I do some informal practice, but I forget the whole thing frequently. I guess it’s not bad, that one is needed too. Yesterday and today sometimes the sensations at the base of spine start moving and beating. It causes some effects in the face. The mind-state is calm and neutral.

1:49 AM
I did a sit using an instruction that this english man gave in the GV podcast as a description for shiné, that sit comfortably, and whenever you catch yourself thinking, let go. There wasn’t much distractions or much collectedness. After some time, I focused more closely on the body. There were energetic itches and pains.
The sleepiness discomforts had become very intense before the sit, now their intensity has decreased a little bit.
A few times there was a subtle sense of comfort/confidence and hope for possibilities. This often happens if there was enjoyment with the coding, and satisfaction about the work of the day. Also there was brief occurrences of despair.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, May 23, 2021, 4:06 PM

Last two days after waking up there were whole body waves of vibrations like goosebumps for 1-2 hours. Today I don’t remember having it. There were some family dreams that I was angry and upset at what my father said about making tea, which was a behavior that happens most days in my parents house. Tea is a big problem there! Then there was a dream with one of my cousins, that in the middle school, in my last year he came to that school too, so he had my protection there. I haven’t seen him for over 20 years, so he was young in the dream, and I protected him from a few guys that wanted to bully him, and he became very emotional and hugged me. Another dream that I try to protect a child!

The violet lights have been present constantly, and when I close my eyes, there is a mix of violet, white and black lights expanding contracting and flickering constantly. Sometimes purple shows up too. It’s beautiful, but I guess that’s one of the causes that makes the eyes to be very uncomfortable these two days.
The sleepiness soreness is not intense today like yesterday.

11:12 PM
These 2-3 days especially today, the repetitive numbers show up a lot, especially when checking time. In sufi magickal tradition, there is a whole branch on numbers. It’s called numbers knowledge/science. They talk about interesting things!

I worked for 6 hours today. Productive, although not at the level of normal performance, but it’s acceptable for now. I was pulled into despair once in a few minutes, but I reminded myself again and again that you are working at the office, just keep going.
There is some purple added to the mix of violet lights.

Monday, May 24, 2021, 12:53 AM

Some energetic pains arise in the torso and along the spine. Body feels very hot with constant sweating in the head. Most times it feels like I’ve lost the interest in practice, and the mind doesn’t engage with it, but at the same time another part of me wants to go against that and practice. The violet light show is much less apparent now.

2:36 AM
I did a sit, and let it go however it wants. Not much distractions and not much concentration. There were some creepy/demonic images, of figures with mixed bodies and evil looks, not clear though. For a few minutes it looked like many mental images are passing quickly in the mind, like the images are clashing with each other, and they are images of people fighting and things like that, but without having actual images. Once or twice it felt like the color statics in the murk are pointers to those image activities. It reminded me of Shinzen saying that these color movements are the deepest layer of thought activity. Later sleepiness arose which is present now, but without the soreness and those other discomforts.
For a good portion of the sit, visual space was spacious and the space of the murk was merged with the the rest of the image space. It usually is not that way. During the night a few times for brief periods visual space became spacious and it looked like it's moving slowly, or the ground is moving with a kind of mild vertigo-like feeling.
The mind-state is neutral/calm.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, May 24, 2021, 3:23 AM

It happens frequently that when the thought arises that I have to work tomorrow too, it gives a feeling of despair and disappointment. I try to reframe it and see it an an opportunity. It sometimes works, and really feels like an opportunity, which is helpful.

3:41 PM
It happens a lot these days that when reading something, if the structure of the text is not very simple, I have a hard time understanding it, it’s like the mind can’t hold the whole thing in it to be able to untangle and understand it. This happens with my native languages too, also with the work. While coding, I normally would use auto-complete function or copy/pasting, but I try to type instead, first because there is some enjoyment in the typing, second to sharpen the mind, by giving it simple and small challenges.
After waking up there was whole-body waves of vibration, especially when there was emotionality in the experience. Also the vibrations and tingling in the shoulder blades are active, especially in the right one.
These 2-3 days I like to sit in a half-lotus posture. I’d do it previously but later because of knee pain I stopped. Now it feels very comfortable and enjoyable.

11:14 PM
Today it was less productive than the last two days. I couldn’t finish my 5-6 hours of work and stopped after 4 hours. There was despair, but I forced myself to continue. Then a few hours ago something like an anxiety arose and became very intense in a few minutes. There was pain everywhere. The whole body started sweating and shaking. Face and throat like being on the edge of sneezing or crying, wanting to get rid of something. Headache and neck-ache. Numbness and weakness in the arms and legs. Constriction and pain in the throat. Some energetics at the base of spine with vibrations, chills and shivering in the body. Also feeling hot while sweating.
Intense feeling of urgency that something terrible is about to happen.
This feeling of wanting to have sneeze or cry became more intense a few times and turned into a release-like feeling in the head, with a surge of energy in the head that forces the eyes to close with a buzzing vibration in the head. Also discomfort around the heart. It was unexpected.

It went on like that for 2 hours and forced me to stop working. Then the body became very tired, and felt very weak with feelings in the throat and chest like I am about to vomit. And the purple/violet/white lights arose again, vibrating and flickering in front of me.
Now some of these manifestations are gone, but the body still is very tired and uncomfortable.

11:54 PM
I sat in a relaxed posture and closed my eyes to just rest. Without me trying, attention got stabilized on the whole body, with energetics arising that mostly were painful. Then the previous manifestations arose again and became intense. It feel like my heart want to come into my mouth. The next energetics were more painful.

Tuesday, May 25, 2021, 12:57 AM

There was more energetics, then the intensity of the whole thing decreased. Now it’s mostly tiredness and headache and I am going to bed.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, May 25, 2021, 2:00 PM

Last night in bed and before that there were lots of energetic pains. Attention was very clear with extra clarity in sensations, and that brought more energetics. In the bed I tried to distract myself and not be aware, but there wasn’t distraction. Especially the pain in the fingers was unpleasant, like sticking wooden needles in the fingertips, or if you keep your hands inside snow for a while, then immediately put it beside a heater. There was a feeling in the torso that caused fear, feeling that this is going to be too much and I’ll lose it, but fortunately I fell asleep relatively quickly. Today that pain in the fingers and toes arises again. There is vibrations/tingling in the shoulder blades. The light show has not arisen today.

3:47 PM
It’s near an hour that feelings/sensations similar to the last night have arisen, although it’s not that intense. also the violet lights have arisen. There is sadness and disenchantment and lack of motivation and energy and strength. This newly arisen feelings cause the body to be mildly shaky and jerky with feelings like vomiting. Thank universe that there is some enjoyment in typing. And this damn neighbor is still walking. It’s like a demon is walking above your head 24 hours a day. Fuck this modern life that calls these boxes house.

6:15 PM
Now that I’ve showed up at work, other colleagues come and ask for technical help. Both yesterday and today I provided some help and it brought some confidence and feeling of usefulness. Although it felt strange at first today, that I notice myself saying someone else do this don’t do that…, it felt like, ..oh, this used to be me, but now I feel a distance to it.. . The internet connection became slow while I was sending a file, and it has made me very angry and frustrated.

10:25 PM
Thank universe I could work near 6 hours today, bu just imagining that I am at office and forcing myself over and over and over again. Today the eyes haven’t had pain, I don’t know if it’s because these light shows are less active or what. Some energetic pains arise, also pain in the bones which I don’t know what causes them. The emotional tone is so cold and dead today. It feels like that coldness is not mine and it’s someone else’s that’s touching me. I don’t know why it feels like that.

Wednesday, May 26, 2021, 12:38 AM

A friend sent a message now and seeing that made me remember a dream that I had last night. I was in a strange place and there was a big project that I had to engineer, but it wasn’t about softwares and I wasn’t sure how to do it, and part of it was linked to the movie Lost, to the hatch I guess, that there was an underground place that collapsed. It felt familiar and similar to a place that I’ve seen in some other dreams. In those dreams it was like an underground place that was filled with water. There are details about it that I don’t have the energy now to try to remember and write, but somehow it feels very familiar as if I’ve been there. There are some other places that I’ve seen repeatedly in dreams that have a similar feeling of familiarity. I don’t remember seeing them in wakefulness.

2:33 AM
Did some practice. Energetics are active. The attention is clear, but the mind doesn’t engage with the practice like before. It’s like it’s not that interesting as before. And it’s interesting that I don’t want to sacrifice the sleep routine to do more practice, at least not now. I don’t know what is good or not good, and don’t care much about knowing it for now.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, May 26, 2021, 12:12 PM

There was a dream that I was in my parent’s yard. My brother pointed at stars that had filled the sky and were very beautiful, like those images of NASA. So I focused on them and started moving up, and focusing on the stars kept me moving closer to them. It wasn’t like usual flying dreams, I was in reclining posture and moving up in that posture, and I went above toward the sky and starts and moved around, above the trees then came down, that happened a few times, but then I noticed I’ve lost the power, and when I intend to go up, my body just bends a little bit but nothing more.
Later there was a bee in the yard and my brother told that we better kill it because it’s night and we don’t have any medicine for its poison. We all tried to catch it and my mother hit it with something and it fell down. While it was flying, it had a normal bee size, but on the ground it was the size of a little bird and was alive. I put my foot and weight on it several times, but nothing happened to it. Then I woke up, and I guess there was a volitional thought, that imagined that it turns around and bites my achilles tendon and then I turn into another evil bee.
It was interesting that with all that flying in the dream, in one scene my brother was on the top of the ladder and asking me to walk up to the rooftop, but I had fear and couldn’t take one more step. In childhood I had some fear around that.
I woke up a little earlier today, and the mind-state is, well I think it’s still spring, last night was raining and it's smell is still there, and I want to see today as the first day of spring, as nowruz, who cares, I will define the world however I want. So today shares the uniqueness and beauty of nowruz. There is music in the air.
I guess beauty is the only thing that makes life worth living.

The thing that started the night before yesterday and was present yesterday, that there was a feeling like vomiting, and I had difficulty eating things, has been happening once in a while for some years now. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. Today it’s not present, and that feelings in the throat and trachea are not there. And the eyes are uncomfortable and the lights and visual vibrations/flickering are present. Still I can’t say that it’s the cause for eye pain.

The pain in the fingers are gone, although yesterday since early night, a similar pain arose in the left middle finger and stayed. It has that pain since then. When going to bed, it turned into vibrations for a few minutes but then became painful again. Also a similar pain arose in the right middle finger for a few minutes but it went away quickly. It makes sense because that’s the central part of the hand. Since there are more energetic pains in the central parts, like the center of palms or soles or in the perineum. I’d like to see the map of energetic channels. I can bet it’s such a beautiful and complex graph.
There was whole body vibrations after waking up, intensified by emotions, initiated in the upper back, shoulder blades and neck.
For a few months in the last years, I’d always feel a burning-like smell, like the smell of electronic devices. Last few days I had that. But I am not sure if it comes from my laptop that has its battery dying or it’s just mental.
3 days ago when waking up I noticed some symptoms like having a cold. It has been mild since then, but today there is more pains and fatigue, seemingly related to that.

3:22 PM
Since the anxiety attacks started 7-8 years ago, I got different prescriptions (By ER doctors, I never went to an expert, probably because of fear or procrastination, who knows), since I’d have high blood pressure and heart racing among other effects. After trying each of them for some time, I ended up taking 20 milligrams of propranolol each day. I was unhappy with it so I tried to stop it a few times but I failed since there was too much anxiety. In the last several months I started decreasing its dose very very slowly, and finally I could stop it. It took around 3-4 months I guess, and in the last 6-7 days I’ve taken only 5-10 milligrams totally, which is good. That was one of the things that made me to not feel free. That shakiness (which has arisen again now) can be related to that, but it doesn't matter, I don't want to be dependent on it anymore.
There are brief mind-states of despair.
Since last night there are constant feelings in the right shoulder blade, moving, vibrating, tingling.

10:02 PM
Thank universe, I could work over 5 hours today. And thanks to all the people that don’t get tired and keep encouraging and supporting me. I wish they reach the best possibilities of their lives. I wish to learn from them how to be more patient and caring.
Part of it was difficult because there was brief but frequent despair+freakout attacks. I just imagined that I am at office and continued, later it became more productive. It’s 10 days now that I’ve worked at least 2 hours each day. Considering the situation in the past year or so, this is very good. I’ll rest tomorrow and continue from Friday. I hope to be able to continue the sleep and work routines.
The violet lights have been active and sometimes it becomes very bright. The right eye has pain but it’s mild, so this is another data point. There is still pain in some of the fingers, mainly in the left ones, that I think is related to energetics.
Today I've noticed that burning smell much less than previous days.
Last night the nada sound was loud. Today I had not noticed it but now it's loud again.
An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness keeps coming and going.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, May 27, 2021, 1:56 AM

After ending the work, these mind-states of despair and disappointment keep coming and filling the experience. At first it felt a bit strange that I couldn’t understand it, but I guess now it’s clearer. It’s that I don’t know how to rest and enjoy the fruits of what I do. Only two modes are familiar to me. Either I have the problem, for instance not being able to work and as a result suffering, or I am trying to solve that problem and change the situation, like working as opposed to not working. But when I have done the work and I can relax, rest and enjoy, I don’t know what to do with it, and that brings fear, sadness, disappointment, frustration and hopelessness. It seems that instead of resting, my mind keeps going in two directions: First, what is or was wrong. Second, what needs to be done. In our family, we would almost never celebrate anything. If there was a a situation that we were supposed to be happy, that would usually turn into a conflict, argument, and become very unpleasant. No wonder that after I came to this city, I’d almost never go to my hometown in first few days of new years. I’d prefer to be alone, and at least I could enjoy the good weather.

3:45 AM
There is strong itching in the whole body since 2-3 hours ago. I did a sit, there was a painful energetic that arose in genitals and moved up a little bit, then some other pains and vibrations in the feet, then it got relaxed, then sleepy. After the sit I started noting the body with the labels right, left, and center. It occurred to me to use this kind of dividing to note my legs, then I thought it’s interesting to use it for the whole body. I’ll experiment with it.
Going to bed.

8:11 PM
Today since waking up the mind-state has been sadness and despair. Body is relatively comfortable except for the back and the right eye. Right shoulder blade is filled with sensations that feel like it’s opening and getting torn apart, not unpleasant though. This past week I didn’t have much proper food both because there wasn’t much free time, also I didn’t have energy and motivation to make food. Today since I had the day off, I had decided to make some food, but I couldn’t find energy and motivation. Even making tea felt impossible. So I decided that instead of doing it at once, I just do it gradually, each time to do part of it when getting up, and that way I’ve been able to do most of it so far.
Previously I’d practice, but now the mind doesn’t engage with it. Part of me wants to get to tomorrow to start working, to not feel empty, other parts want today to not end.
A feeling arises frequently that I don’t know what to call it. It’s like if the worst possible thing would happen in a situation that you are responsible for it. Maybe fear, freakout, hopelessness, or a mix of all.
There was those goosebumps-like vibrations after waking up.

9:32 PM
Today some of the energetics have the flavor of sharp pain like pressing a needle on the tissue, in shoulder blade and base of spine. Finished the damn cooking. It’s interesting that after finishing what needs to be done, the despair becomes more predominant. Although there is relief too.

11:31 PM
The experience has become much more unsatisfactory, that feels like nothing can and will be satisfactory. The mind keeps looking for things/activities that could bring satisfaction or forgetfulness, but none of the ones that I tried could do that. I am trying to find interest and motivation in practice and do it for some time.

Friday, May 28, 2021, 3:42 AM

Did a sit focused on the body-mind space. There was a little blue color in the murk in the beginning. I had not seen blue for some days/weeks in the murk. There were some painful energetics before the sit and in the earlier part of the sit. Then sleepiness arose toward the end. At some point I noticed that the face/head image seems to be less apparent, or like it’s dissolved into the space and is not there. When there was an itch on my nose, I scratched it and it looked somewhat strange. It seemed that unlike always, moving my hands and touching my nose don’t create mental images. It was like I am sitting still without any movements, and some physical sensations happen in the space without mental impressions. I scratched my face a few more times and they were similar to the first one too, although the mental images were a little more noticeable in those ones.
The unpleasantness of the emotions has been decreased in the last 2-3 hours.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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In our family, we would almost never celebrate anything. If there was a a situation that we were supposed to be happy, that would usually turn into a conflict, argument, and become very unpleasant.

This is a very unhealthy and depresssing environment for a child to grow up in. No judgement or criticism, I just think it's important to acknowledge that.
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Yes, it is.

I guess that is why when something good/positive happens, I usually don't trust it. I just think that there was a mistake, and it will go away.
After I got my military service exemption (which was so important for me), I still couldn't believe it. I thought that they'll say there was a mistake and take that back. Even years later I'd think that now that some years has passed, maybe I can trust it. I think I am not worried about that one anymore, now over 10 years later!
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 I spent most of my life living with the constant fear that something bad could happen at any moment, that I was just one wrong step away from making some kind of mistake which would incur someone’s anger or cause me to lose whatever I was working so hard to create. This fear itself was the cause of a lot of self-sabotage, thwarting my own efforts, creating more anger. It still arises, but it’s nothing like the problem it used to be - ‘oh hello, you again, bye!’

Mealtimes were the worst in my house, because that’s when we couldn’t avoid being together. There was always tension, anger, arguments, threats, fear, someone being upset, tears, someone running away, doors being slammed.

I spent most of my life not blaming my parents, rationalizing the situation, thinking it was ok. But you can’t forgive what you haven’t really accepted. So I had to go through a period of looking at it from the child’s perspective - this situation was not ok, it caused big problems. I don’t blame my parents any more - they did the best they could given their own troubled upbringings - but it fell far short of what I needed to develop into a psychologically healthy adult. It’s only through fully accepting the reality of the situation that I could start to move beyond it and have some trust in life.
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I recognize myself so much in this. You probably won't believe me, as I wouldn't have, but it can heal. 
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I believe you.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Month ago.

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Friday, May 28, 2021, 2:46 PM

I didn’t have enough sleep today since the energy and alertness increased after I woke up and I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday I sat mostly in knees up posture (one or both knees up) because that was the only comfortable one. Today I find myself sitting in half lotus posture again. Before going to bed there was some kind of movement in the visual field and body image, maybe like the ground is moving or the space is moving. While in bed, that continued, and it happened a number of times that felt like the body image starts to dissolve/disappear, but immediately it would get back to its usual form. I set intention to stay equanimous with that.
There was several rise of energetics mostly in the lower body. This time I practiced longer in bed.
There are some fine-grained vibrations that arise since waking up. I notice less identification with my head and face image. Normally if I think of myself, I immediately get a mental image of myself, these days often/sometimes I notice that it takes a little while to get that image, also it seems it takes some effort to put the things (name, image, etc) together to have the same sense of me. It’s mostly the sensations of stories in the space, without that strong sense of self-image in the center of it. That center and periphery directionality seems weaker sometimes.
The violet lights are active, with energetics in the spine and legs, vibration on shoulder blades, pain in the right eye.

6:37 PM
Today there is a little more interest and motivation for practice. The sensations in the back were becoming stronger, vibrations in the right shoulder blade and pain in the left side, so I sat and focused on the body. There were sharp energetic pains like stabbing, burning, stinking, then some pains with tickling flavor and painful itches. There was movement and spaciousness in the visual field. Then I became sleepy and it took a while to be able to get of it and end the sit. I guess I sat for over 2 hours, since there was rise of relaxed and tingly sensations in different parts of the body, and I just wanted to see what happens to those sensations and then end it, but since I was sleepy, my perception of it was a little bit distorted.
Like one of the last nights, there are strong itches everywhere in the body after the sit that feels like burning. I think it’s energetic.
Body feels very sleepy, and since it has become late, I wanted to go to bed and leave the work for tomorrow, but then I noticed that I want to do that because I fear that because of sleepiness and lack of time, I won’t be productive. That’s just a fuel for that destructive cycle. So I decided to start working. Productivity is not the important thing right now, the important thing for now is just showing up.

11:48 PM
Worked for 4 hours. Acceptable for the weekend. Although there was lots of fear and despair in every little thing that I wanted to do, but it was productive, and I could get passed the fear of each step faster than previous days. There are brief and frequent attacks of despair+fear in an equanimous background.

Saturday, May 29, 2021, 2:27 AM

Did a sit. Body-mind became still quickly. There was very painful energetics at the base of spine, then in the toes. Then the pain subsided. There was a feeling beside the right shoulder blade that felt like there was something on it that got lifted. The whole energetics subsided and there was just stillness, relaxation and spaciousness for a while. A few times there was an impression of an image that felt like people fighting. There was more energetics later, and a sensation near the perineum that felt similarly as if something was lifted.  Some movements in the space and mental images of the body. Once or twice there was a loud sound in the mind that was like something popped. Sleepiness arose toward the end.
In the last months in (almost?) all of the sits there was that bright white light similar to a circular shape, but that didn’t arise.
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Saturday, May 29, 2021, 3:56 PM

I practiced longer in bed. At some point I woke up to go to bathroom, but I didn’t get up and focused on the murk, and then there was a series of dreams. All of it felt very real. After several stories in the dream, I was somewhere that one side of it was a big university, and the other side was a military base. I was waiting for a taxi to get back, and soldiers were running and shooting without caring that we, a few people were standing there, then everything became very bright and I found myself in the mountains, that looked to me like the mountains in the northern part of this city, but it was different. I haven’t seen anything like that before. Trees were big, very big, and the ground was covered by white grass, very soft like animal fur, and very beautiful. I started walking there and looking around and thinking what is this, where is here, and I thought maybe this is just another realm. Then I saw an animal that was like a mix of a panda and badger, with black and white fur and long tale and long claws, but it didn’t look dangerous. The ground became steep, almost like a wall, and that animal were running down, so I started walking down too but it became gliding on that soft lovely grass. There were other animals of that kind, after going down for a while, I reached a spot where there were cubs of those animals as if that place was specifically got the cubs, so  I moved father from the ground to not hit them and it became free falling. I continued falling with high speed while my head was down. Funny thing was that although I was falling, but I was moving along the land which was horizontal, but from my vantage point it was vertical, so falling down was like moving on the ground. I moved over mountains and jungles, then there were roads and railroads and a city, I thought I may hit a train or a city (!), but it all felt safe and I had no worries. Then the scene changed and I was back beside a military base. I heard an old woman saying with sorrow, ..where is my life, where is my husband.. . I thought it seems that I am back to this life/world in the form of this woman. Then I saw a young guy coming out of that base that was injured and walked with a stick, and I though maybe I am that guy. Then I saw another guy, seemed to be the other one’s brother, and I thought maybe I am that one. Then I woke up. There was those wavy feelings in the body, that are usually there when there is a dream with movements. And visual field was spacious, with a sense that the ground is not solid, or like I am floating.

There was sharp energetic pains in bed, it still arises in the sacrum. Forming the sentences feels difficult now. Grammar feels like a prison. After I woke up from the dream, I wrote it on the paper, and that looks very beautiful to me. I keep staring at it.
Before sleep, the light had became mostly purple. Now they are back to violet and black. I could call it blue instead of violet, sometimes.

It keeps amazing me, that how these dream scenes are formed. In the first part I was with an old friend, and we went to places that I haven’t seen before, but they looked very real full of details, with colors and smells and touch sensations. They say people usually don’t feel smells in dream, but I felt in this one.

11:20 PM
Worked 5 plus hours. Not productive. The day started relatively calm and equanimous, I listened to music and enjoyed it, then started working, but I received a bug report from the bank, when I checked it I noticed there isn’t any problem and the customer is just confused, but he insists to go to the bank tomorrow and check it there. We asked him to do more tests, but I may need to go there tomorrow. That brought all kinds of unpleasant feelings, worry, sadness, insecurity and after that I couldn’t have proper performance. Mind became frozen.

Sunday, May 30, 2021, 12:18 AM

It seems we have to go there tomorrow, so no time for practice. I have to to bed and do some practice there. Some people just don’t have souls, or have ugly ones.
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Sunday, May 30, 2021, 8:21 PM

Today in bed awareness continued for longer after somewhat falling asleep. I guess I didn’t fall into deep sleep at all because I was upset about going to the bank and wanted to wake up earlier. It took 3 hours to be able to get up. The mind was not anxious, but the body was uncomfortable with shakiness, so I took 0.2 milligram alprazolam. There was anger too. It went good in the bank. I didn’t expect myself to have energy for even talking, but thanks to the anger that provided the energy.
There was a dream with an old friend, we don’t talk anymore, but in the dream we started talking and laughing. I woke up from that dream and noticed I am laughing.
Similar to yesterday, there were energetic pains along the spine and in the sacrum with the flavor as if there is a sharp piece of metal inside the body. It arises less frequently in the last several hours. If I remember the pattern correctly, probably after this phase with this kind of pain, it should stop having pain and instead have that coldness sensations like the touch of ice-water.

11:49 PM
After coming back home, there was tiredness and brief feelings of satisfaction. Then I continued the work and completed my 5-6 hours for today, it was productive. The mind-state has been mostly calm and equanimous, with brief attacks of despair. Two nights ago after a sit those bright white and black dots arose and since then they arise frequently. This thing that I am calling despair, which doesn’t feel very accurate, is this feeling that suddenly a sense arises as if it puts a “so what” in front of everything, all life and experience. It’s not just the lack of hope, it’s also the lack of meaning and purpose and motivation. And now that I am done with working for today, it becomes more predominant. Working serves as a distraction, also gives the sense that after it’s finished, you can rest and be satisfied, but that satisfaction is not much available.

Monday, May 31, 2021, 3:30 AM

It’s mostly calmness for 2-3 hours. I did two sits focused on the relaxation on my hands and legs. It was mostly consumed by sleepiness. Once there was a sense of movements in the body/ground but it didn’t last more than a second. Sometimes the thought-space seems to be much less active, and the mental activity seems to be mostly the mental impression of sensations plus volitional thoughts, other than that it seems to be quiet/empty. There was coldness in the chest and pain in the base of spine.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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As I see it, hope and despair are two sides of the same coin. When there's truly no hope, there's no despair either! When I was at my most despairing, I was consumed by hope for a better life.

Lack of motivation is usually the result of a conflict between the rational mind saying it wants one thing and a subconscious desire for another.  
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Tuesday, June 1, 2021, 3:10 AM

Today 5-6 h of work. A formal sit, strong energetics in its beginning, base of spine and hips, then sleepiness arose and energetics went away. There was stillness and relaxations, and once when scratching an itch in the face, I noticed there is no mental images for the hand and arms, it felt nice, like the itch scratches itself. Later those parts developed mental images gradually. The mind had difficulty staying on its object because sleepiness would kidnap the attention quickly.

While working there was cold anger, mostly because of the financial situation, but I couldn’t find anyone to be the object of that anger. After finishing the work, there was despair for a little while, then it went away. Several times when trying to do a mental task, mind couldn’t perform its thing or remember anything, and that created pain in the whole body and a feeling like suffocating. There are energetic itches in the abdomen.
There are bright dots like fire kasina dots.
Energetics arise more while the sleepiness of the mind decreases, though its soreness is there in the muscles.
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Tuesday, June 1, 2021, 5:33 PM

Last night awareness was present in the first few hours of sleep/dream. There was rise of energetics that kept taking me out of sleep. There was a dream that I was walking in a historical place with someone, and we were talking, but I was talking out loud. Several times I heard myself talking, and still continued having the dream. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank again, but this time it didn’t cause anger. Although there was/is mild anger, but without any specific story attached to it.
Before going to bed there was increased clarity in the attention with vibrations in the body, and that feeling arose a few times that seems like the whole space is an object and I can grab it with my hand. There was a similar feeling toward the body too. I guess for me a lot of times “self” manifests in the hands.
Today the sensations on the right shoulder blade are active. Last night there was pain toward the inner side of both shoulder blades. There has been some coldness too, in the perineum I guess.
There is a feeling of potential arising, that I can achieve things. That my hands want to take control and create possibilities.

11:21 PM
Worked for +5 hours. Earlier a few times there was a momentary feeling of movement in the body, like it starts to glide. At one point I had difficulty thinking, couldn’t collect my mind at all, so I closed my eyes and practiced for a few minutes. There was strong energetics, and I guess part of the body images was dissolved briefly. An hour ago violet lights arose and became very bright and clear for 10-20 minutes. Some energetics arise, like something is moving on the skin, or something just got lifted off the back or hips.

Wednesday, June 2, 2021, 2:02 AM

​​​​​​​Did a sit, started by noting body parts, then opened up and included all senses without labeling. There was relaxation and stillness in the entire sit. There were strong energetics, very painful ones in the genitals and long toes and other locations, few energy releases in the head and face. Then sleepiness arose, and at some point I heard a sound in the mind as if a glass just broke. Before ending it, I noticed a strong pressure on the right long toe and noticed it’s increasing, then I opened my eyes and saw that I put pressure on it by my big toe. There was coolness on the skin briefly. 2-3 times, the activation of energy in the base of spine created heat in the left leg and genitals. There was high clarity in the beginning and end, that arising and passing of each sensation was clear. Toward the end I had mental image of the friend that I had seen him in my dream two days ago, and it felt as if I had known some bad news about him in the early part of the sit but forgotten it, and now I just remembered that. Now I feel in the space the intimacy that we had for years. Energetics still arise in the center of the body.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 2, 2021, 12:59 PM

For the first several hours of sleep, there was awareness present. I kept trying to pay attention to the body. After I fell asleep, there was a distorted perception, maybe of the body, there were some qualities or concepts, and I couldn’t figure out their relation to the current experience of the body and environment. Nothing was clear though. There is stillness after waking up, but maybe that’s the effect of waking up earlier. A lot of times I feel stillness in this part of the day, from around 10 AM to 12-1 PM.

5:48 PM
Before going to bank there was shakiness in the body, although the mind was calm. It was good in the bank, I notice my confidence is returning and the mind was sharp. When coming back there was despair and disappointment, and a few times I noticed shortness of breath, like there was contraction around the heart and the breath stopped for a moment, it was like anxiety attacks, although the mind was calm. Now the body feels very tired and exhausted with discomfort in the throat and torso, like I am about to vomit.
The flickering lights have arisen. This time it’s a mix of purple and violet, and it seems there is some green (also maybe blue) mixed with it too.

10:56 PM
Want to bed for a few hours because there was too much discomfort. Practiced there, energetics were active. Now I’d prefer to go to bed again and rest, but I think it’s better to finish today’s share of working first. The body is still uncomfortable, but the mind is equanimous and still. There is a sense of having open/available possibilities, which made me stop what I was doing 1-2 times and just feel it in the silence. This silence slows down the movements of the body.

11:27 PM
Again half lotus feels very comfortable. Although there is soreness/sleepiness in the body, with tension in the abdomen, but the body feels lighter, and still. It has an upward sense, that I keep the spine straight, and it feels like the body wants to move up by becoming lighter.
This silence and stillness makes me stop doing whatever I am doing and just be still. Dare to call it stillness attack!

Thursday, June 3, 2021, 1:50 AM

Today 4 hours of work totally. Didn’t want to continue more since it’s late and I am tired. Although it was quite productive today, the mind was clearer.
Very interesting, just after I finish the work, again there was this thick cloud of despair. It’s a question to me. I have some ideas about it, but I prefer to let the mind explore and observe more openly for now. It didn’t last more than a few minutes though, and that stillness is gone too, it’s back to mostly ordinary/neutral.

2:53 AM
The stillness has arisen again, while swinging between satisfaction+confidence and despair/disappointment. I was listening to a new interview of Shinzen by Michael Taft, but the stillness took me in it, so I stopped and just sat. Bright and beautiful purple and black lights in the murk, and intense energetics, throbbing and vibrations.

4:29 AM
Did another sit. There were distorted perceptions but I forgot most of them. Last night in bed there were similar things too, at one point half-asleep half-awake, I noticed that I am thinking in terms of codes about my experience, writing code and modeling the experience, which part is the body, which part is the unpleasantness in the body and awareness of it and so on. For part of this sit I perceived myself as two entities and one was thinking about the other and judging it I guess, don’t remember much. Long toes have energetics constantly, especially the left one.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, June 3, 2021, 5:05 PM

Yesterday there was jaw clenching most of the time that had caused teeth pain. Today it seems to be gone. It feels ok/ordinary, and there is tiredness in the body with pain in bones as if I’ve done a long hiking mixed with having flu. The stillness sometimes becomes predominant and makes me stop and sit still.

11:50 PM
Worked for 5 hours. It was very difficult in the beginning since both mind and body were very tired. I just forced myself to continue and it became easier later as I engaged with it more. Now there is much more pain and fatigue in the body and it feels like being sick, almost everywhere bones and muscles feel like being crushed. Earlier I thought it’s tiredness, but it seems to be more than that. Body seems to have fever too.

Friday, June 4, 2021, 10:07 PM

Last night it became too uncomfortable and there was pain everywhere in the body and it felt pretty weak. I went to bed earlier and tried to practice there for some hours and fell asleep in the morning. The moment I lied down energetics arose. First there was mild orgasm-like feeling in the lower body, then other ones that almost all of them were painful, that sexual feeling arose a few more times. But after some minutes some relaxation got established, and there were vibrations and tingles, not much painful energetics after that. While I was in bed, the body had lesser discomfort, but when getting up to go to bathroom, it would become painful again. Woke up around 1-2 PM. Today that pain and sickness feeling has been there but not as intense as last night, although it has increased in the last 1-2 hours. Today there is throbbing in the earlobes.
For a while I didn’t have much problem with the neighbor’s noises, but today it’s annoying.
Today I wasn’t supposed to work, but I had a hard time letting go of it and it was only late at night that I decided to leave it for tomorrow.
Yesterday there were some energetics on the tale bone, that felt like pressing a needle or knife there, it was more painful than previous ones. Today it hasn’t arisen. A few times there was a kind of coldness with itchy tingly feeling there, mildly pleasant. I’ve started taking a small dose of B complex each day. I don’t know if it has any correlation to the current experiences.

Saturday, June 5, 2021, 4:03 AM

A sit with a technique that I use recently, to try to be aware without any assumptions, anticipations, judgments, expectations etc. Body-mind became still, with a little bit of rocking in the upper body. Intense energetics a number of times. Left elbow had energetics after a while of not having it. Painful ones in the head and forehead and soles. Itchy tingly coldness in the sacrum.
There is an urge to stay awake longer to practice, …have to say no.
Today I spent time with pen and paper, writing and drawing, it felt good.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, June 6, 2021, 1:38 AM

Today 5 hours of work. Woke up late, so had to start working later than previous days. The technical side of the work was not very straightforward, and these (or maybe something else) led to restlessness and the body-mind became more and more restless. I noticed my movements had become like those old silent black-white movies. After a while I could figure out what needs to be done, and gradually the restlessness decreased. After waking up there was some openness and calmness, and I played my setar and it felt good. Last few hours there is some despair/sadness that cancels the motivation to engage in activities. There is also some anger and impatience, that I notice unpleasantness more. That sickness feeling and its pain is milder today, sometimes not noticeable. This thought comes to mind that part of the tensions in the body-mind loosens and spreads to the whole body in the form of pain and fatigue (sickness), Other thought says it’s naive to think like that.
Last few hours energetics have become active that cause pain in the back, fingers, toes and genitals. That flavor of pain that feels like a sharp object, shows up in new places like upper back and hips.
First few hours in bed I didn’t know if I was awake or asleep. The practice and awareness continued until getting up. I like to know more about that phase. Earlier in bed there was intense energetics, and once an energy rise in the back made the whole body to jump up, and for a moment the murk turned into black and white tv static. This momentary black-white tv static has happened a number of times previously.

4:46 AM
Did a sit. There was relaxation, stillness and spaciousness. Also energetics were active right from the beginning, and since I tried to be aware of the whole experience, they became more intense and painful than before. Small portion of them was pleasant, coolness, sexual feelings and tingles. In the beginning that pain that is like a sharp metal inside the tissue, was there in the back and along the spine, then it was mostly the tickling flavor and hard pains. The vibrations on the left long toe once became very intense that made the body to jump up. There was distorted perceptions, different objects and stories were mixed together, like this one: Today there was a tv program, I didn’t watch it but read about it in the news, in the sit when some energetics arose, I had a thought that the people in that program activated something and it created these effects in the body. Many thought like that. Part of the sit, thought-space seemed to be less active, so the experience was clearer, and a few times led to the feeling/perception that I can grab the whole experience with my hand, or the images of the head/face became less apparent. There were some other things that I forgot.
Once I felt/remembered the smell and taste of high quality honey. By high quality, I mean high quality. A pain on the left thigh was new and intense that affected the breathing. Since the middle part of the sit these bright dots have arisen, a mix of very bright white and black, very beautiful.
I started the sit with the intention “what is it that makes part of the experience satisfactory and part of it unsatisfactory”. I don’t know the answer, but there is less sadness after it.
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 7, 2021, 12:19 AM

When going to bed I set an intention to remember to make some resolutions when the concentration gets better, but I guess I didn’t remember. Also I wanted to be more aware of being awake or asleep. There was awareness of the body until the first time getting up and there were dreams too, but I forgot the details, and I don’t know if there was continuous awareness or I kept going in and out of sleep. Energetics were intense while there was less sleepiness. I intended to be aware of the experience just as it is, and that created many energy rises. Like yesterday, I woke up late and had difficulty getting up. Still I am tired and haven’t started to work. Today was holiday and I guess I won’t work so that I could sleep earlier. The sleep time has been getting close to morning in the last few days, and I want to change that.
Today I bought a few pen and notebooks (!) to practice drawing as an entertainment, and did it for a few minutes. If I continue it, I should buy some professional material for it. I used to do it in the past but it was a long time ago.

3:17 AM
Did a sit, intended to experience the experience as it is. Energetics became very intense. It was a mix of pleasant coolness and bright sparks of light with intense painful sensations. I had maybe a glimpse of understanding what Shinzen once described, that Sasaki Roshi asked him something like: ..Get to a point where you have no need to objectify the experience anymore.. . I intended to experience like that, to not lean the mind toward making concepts and labels and objects from the sensations. For some moments there was less objectification I guess. An energy current arose in a few locations, main one in the lower abdomen, that started slowly moving up, that felt like it cuts and pierces the tissues. It moved up 1-3 inches then stopped. With all of the sensations, I intended to let go of leaning toward liking or disliking, or deciding anything. Had to end to go to bathroom.

5:05 AM
Another sit with similar intentions. The mind was less collected than the previous sit, so less concentrated, less energetics, and later sleepiness and full of distorted perceptions. These 1-2 days there have been energetics with coldness feeling. After the sit there are ice-water touch feeling.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 7, 2021, 5:43 PM

Forgot this last night: There was a popping sound in the mind in one of the sits, it was a sudden loud sound like a metal object fell down on a metal surface.
First few hours of sleep I still didn’t have enough clarity to know if I am awake or asleep. I had some dreams, and before getting up for some minutes I was scratching my chest and had a distorted perception of that. Last night while in bed and before that in the sits, it happened a few times that felt/looked like I had known something earlier but I had forgotten it and now I just remembered it. It’s been a few days that this thing happens, although it’s just a vague impression.
There was a feeling in the feet a few times, mainly in the toes, that was like a mix of vibrations, and burning with heat and coldness, then it faded away and there and there was spread of coolness on it like cool air is moving between toes.
There was an unpleasant dream, I was somewhere that looked like my hometown, I was beside the river but it looked much wider and deeper than the actual river there and the current was pretty fast, I was on a narrow steep path that was the path to mountains and I was trying to climb up to not fall into the river. I used my hands to grab rocks and climb higher, and when waking up I noticed pain in them, like a residue from the dream.
Woke up earlier today, thanks universe, and forced myself to get up. I had resolved to do that.
Today the flickering lights have been active again. It’s mostly purple so far.

Tuesday, June 8, 2021, 1:03 AM

Today 6 hours of work. It started pretty difficult as I couldn’t find a fix for a problem, but gradually it got better. Also I was anxious in the beginning since the task progresses very slowly, and that puts pressure on my colleagues. It was interesting that when I found the fix, I noticed maybe at the same time or a minute later, that the flickering lights arose, very bright, but not purple, they were violet and blue, and also there was energetic activation in the body, curios to know if they were related. They both went away after 10-20 minutes. The speed of thinking and acting started increasing after that, and it was satisfying.
Each time that I finish a subtask in the project, before starting the next one, a thick cloud of despair and uncertainty fills the experience.

3:55 AM
Did two sits, for the most part being aware of the whole body-mind space and letting go of any engagement with thought. Lots of energetics in the early part, but it decreased gradually. The energy was more active in the upper body, so there was energy releases in the head, and I had to breathe with my mouth. In the later part I focused on the lower body and the space around and under it and it seemed that it improved the breathing. It’s 10-20 minutes that restlessness has arisen and there are repetitive auditory thoughts.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 9, 2021, 4:18 AM

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed. The body was very uncomfortable with soreness everywhere. Around an hour after getting up the discomforts mostly went away. My colleague said that at mid-night we should go to the bank. A server system that I had upgraded a few months ago had to become operational for an hour, to get tested with real load, so part of my time was spent to get prepared to go there. Then I went out to grocery shopping, and I learned that one of the neighbors has died. He had a sandwich shop here, a very good person, a bright minded one, we were like friends and I liked him a lot, everyone liked him. He was around my age with two little kids, and two nights ago died in an accident, a bus with a truck, he jumps to catch a kid to save that kid, but a piece of metal goes into his chest and kills him immediately. It’s shocking. Later I went to the bank, and the system worked well without any problem which was a relief and for that period this was not in my mind, but after that it returned. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it, other part thinks that his coming to this life was a mystery, like any other birth and life, and his death was another mystery like all other deaths, and all I can do is just immerse in the awe and silence of this mystery. This voice repeats in the mind that “this is not fair”, but then I think fairness doesn’t apply to this mystery.
There is this quiet sadness. It doesn’t rain, but I feel its smell, as if the sky is raining quietly, saying the things that you have no language to say, keeping you company.

6:48 AM
Did a sit. It was just sleepiness from beginning to end. I had taken one third on an alprazolam pill because of going to the bank, and that has made me sleepy.
I started noting see hear feel after the sit.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash '
It doesn’t rain, but I feel its smell, as if the sky is raining quietly, saying the things that you have no language to say, keeping you company.

This really touched me.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Me too.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, June 10, 2021, 2:08 AM

Today I woke up late. The body is still tired and without much energy. The mind-state has been a tender and quiet sadness. I listened to some of the Shajarian’s classics, and there was goosebump-like spread of vibrations in the body. This neighbor-friend that died is in the mind constantly. It makes everything to lose their importance. I feel his presence.

8:26 AM
There has been almost no energetics or flickering lights. Wanted to practice but didn’t have energy to sit, so I went to bed to practice there, became sleepy and fell asleep, although there was some awareness present. Experiences that presented themselves as dreams, I guess mostly were distorted perception of usual memories, I remembered them before waking up I guess, but after it I couldn’t remember anymore. During this practice also there weren’t much energetics, only a few times in the beginning. The mind-state is still sadness.

Friday, June 11, 2021, 12:48 AM

There were some dreams with family, friends and old colleagues. The mind-state has been sadness, with the body being devoid of energy and strength. I went out once and when passing by this neighbor and his brothers’ shop I burst into tears and couldn’t look at the place. I feel his presence constantly. Earlier for some minutes there was violet lights and energetics, with the flavor of coldness in the back and pelvis.
Tried to work but couldn’t find energy, and wanted to go to bed. I wasn’t sure what to do so sat to practice for a few minutes to be able to decide, it went on for less than an hour and I became very sleepy, and now there is soreness in the body. There were some energetics. I think I’ll work for a little bit to see what comes next.
These two days there has been some questions in the mind, ..what is this, who or what is each one of us, what matters, if I die just now, what will remain or not remain, and the whole time and chance that I have to experience this life, is only this half a second, the rest is just gone, like all those lives are gone, etc.

2:45 AM
Started to work, but stopped after 1-2 hours. The mind just locks onto silence and that’s all that it could do for now. Some lights and energetics arise. The mind is either quiet, or filled with the voice and image of this friend.

4:10 AM
The last two days there has been a lot of jaw clenching that created pain in teeth, also tension/discomfort in the right side of the head/face/neck. The jaw clenching seems to be mostly gone, but still there is some discomfort in the right-head.

4:55 PM
Practiced longer in bed. Energetics were intense, specially very painful in the beginning. Since the mind was quiet, there was higher clarity. Some of the energetics were different than usual. At one point there was a sudden one in the face/teeth that felt like something sharp like an arrow hit the mouth as if it came from the outside. There was twisting and twitching in the body, mostly in the legs that caused the body to move to the right or left. Lots of coolness that I felt cold and had to put blanket over the body. It was like this the previous few nights too, that made me think that the cooler is running and I got up to check that, but last night I was sure that it’s off, and still it felt like there is wind over the body. that thing happened a few times that felt like I just remembered something but forgot it again a moment later. This is strange. Just after going to bed I started remembering that earlier at night there were some experiences, maybe some memories and energetics and maybe a conversation with someone, but as I started to engage with it, I forgot the whole thing.
Many dreams, forgot almost all of them. I only remember that in one of them it was that old friend again, that we don’t talk anymore, and it was very friendly and intimate.
Today there seems to be less sadness, and that heavy silence and grief that was there, has changed.
Constant jaw clenching in bed, that at times I had difficulty to let go and open my mouth.

8:55 PM
Started working. Sleepiness and soreness has arisen. I notice that when I focus, the energy/tension gets activated in the head and neck and causes jaw clenching. There are energetics in other places too, with a vague feeling sometimes that looks/feels like the ground is not stable, or the body has movement and there is warps in the space.
There is a feeling like itching in the core of the body that feels like something wants to be released, and focusing on something briefly causes energy releases in head.

11:36 PM
Energetics have become quite active, with that flavor that is like there is sharp metal or glassdust inside tissues, with pressure inside the head and inner ears. There is higher clarity in the center of attention, fine-grained vibrations in head, sexual feelings in the lower body without any sexual urge or imagery, and sometimes something like tension or stiffness+numbness in the muscles.

Saturday, June 12, 2021, 1:45 AM

Worked for 6 hours. It started difficult and got better later. That itching-like feeling in the core of the body is still there, with a heaviness around the heart. Last few hours energetic became more active for some time, and there was bright violet lights, then the flickering lights spread to a larger area of the visual field and for some minutes that part of the field that is in front of the body, was flickering, 3-5 pulse per second maybe. I guess I’ll do some practice then go to the dreamland. I am guessing we will have some new guests in the dreamland for a while.

-- Edit:

3:58 AM
Did a sit. Visual field became spacious right from beginning, that looked like there is empty space around the body that has depth, and for a short period, it looked like there is empty space behind and under the body. Energetics were intense, mostly painful. Coolness in the whole body that almost felt cold. Attention was clear, and it focused on the current experience with this assumption that this half a second is the whole duration that I can experience anything. Later sleepiness arose. At some point I noticed there is less identification. Before ending I scratched my forehead and there was no mental images for the hand, I continued to scratch to see if the images will return and after some seconds they became apparent slowly.
It happened once that felt like remembering then forgetting something.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash '
what matters, if I die just now

I would miss you! I would miss trying to decode your dreams, only to realize once again they are their own meaning. I would miss trying to understand your sleep/work/food schedule. I would miss your descriptions of body sensations I never even knew exisited. I would miss learning about Persian culture. Just the first few things which come to mind.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Thanks George,
This was unexpected : )

(BTW, I am not interested in dying, but sometimes these questions become real.)
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, June 12, 2021, 10:38 PM

These days there are more energetics in lower abdomen, for a week or so sometimes there is energy current in the lower abdomen above the genitals. Last night there was a painful one toward the inner side of the heart, and later some painful ones in the solar plexus. Earlier today I noticed a mild one on the right shoulder blade and that reminded me that it’s some days now that the energetics are not much active in the shoulder blades. Maybe they’ve shifted to the front part of the torso, although now there is a mild activity on the right shoulder blade. Also these few days there is more energetics in the head, often in the form of pressure.
There is some kind of heaviness or dizziness in the head, fuck it I don’t know how to describe. Momentary mini vertigo for the lack of better terms. Had it for 1-2 days, today is more obvious.

Sunday, June 13, 2021, 12:55 AM

Today again there is throbbing in the outer part of the left earlobe, also other parts of the left body. I have no reason for this, but it seems to me that the body-mind has some different processing for the left side versus right side, front versus back and upper versus lower sides of the body.

4:18 AM
Since 1-2 hours ago there is shakiness or trembling arose. It’s interesting, if I force it, I somehow can keep ir more still, but if I let it, it wants to have that trembling, so I let it. Sometimes there is higher clarity in visual field that 3 dimensionality of an object becomes more pronounced.
Interesting that today so far energetics have been active mostly on the left side of the body. There was throbbing on the left side of the upper lips, now there is some hard pain in the left ribs and left leg and arm. It occurred to me to give names to the right and left side of the body.
That coldness feeling has arisen since 10-20 minutes ago, that feels like part of the body is wet with cool water.
Today there is higher beauty noticed in visual objects. In general, higher clarity in the center of attention. What I had called joy of manifestation, sometimes is there in a subtle way, both in visual sensations and somatic ones, that the sensation itself is satisfactory. I guess satisfaction is the basis of joy.

5:38 AM
Regarding worries, I guess often there is a delusion that one can do something about it, and that is what makes that worry unpleasant. When there is a clear recognition that one can’t do anything about that subject, whatever that is, then comes acceptance, and after that, one can either be sad or not sad for not being able to do anything, but the worry would go away or subside.
This I think applies to other emotions like anger too.

There was a few energetic releases in the head accompanied by bright swaths of light. Before that there was some energetics in the form of heat or coldness. Now there is more equanimity that slows down the movements of the body. Although not this typing, typing is more joyful when it’s fast and smooth.
It’s interesting that memories come to mind of the times that working was joyful. Memories of carpet weaving when it was relaxed, and of early years of coding.

8:53 AM
Worked for 6 hours. I started late because of waking up late, also there wasn’t much energy or motivation. At some point I forced myself to start, it went slow and difficult for a little while, but then a good idea came to mind for a technical problem and after that the mind engaged with it and it became easier and more productive. Interesting that there is no sleepiness.
I think it’s time for me to focus on my jaw and mouth for a while, because it happens that tension arises there and leads to jaw clenching, but it’s so habitual that I don’t notice it, and often I only notice it when there is pain in my teeth because of it.

10:49 AM
The question about the remnant after death came to mind again, that if I die, what would remain, and if something remains, then that something should be present at this moment too, but if nothing remains, then there should be nothing at this moment also. And the question about the relation of life and consciousness. Rumi says that we are life factories, we put dead potato into our mouth and it becomes alive (part of us), and he says in a similar way, some people could do that to the mind/soul/heart. I am not looking for answers, just trying to remember the questions by recording them.

11:47 AM
Did some informal then formal practice. Later in the sit sleepiness arose and there was distorted perceptions. Perceptions of sensations got mixed with the political news. Energetics have been active.

-- Edit:
This time these distorted perceptions were interesting, because in the early part of it there wasn't much sleepiness. I was observing sensations that suddenly it looked to me that these sensations are not all accurate representation of my experience because maybe there is a filtering going on, that someone behind the scene is filtering the data, and I was clearly aware of the sensations. It wasn't vague like usual.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 14, 2021, 12:27 AM

There was a dream with movement. I don’t remember if it was fast walking or running or gliding, but I enjoyed it in the dream, then I noticed I am waking up, and got out of the dream at one point, and noticed the wavy feelings in the body that feel like the body parts are being pulled in different directions. I tried to get back to that movement in the dream but it didn’t happen.

6:15 AM
Around midnight I wanted to start working but sleepiness arose with an urge to go to bed, so I thought this is good, I can change to sleep routine. A minute after going to bed a very painful energetic with tickling flavor arose at the base of spine that moved the body, just after that, pressure arose inside the nose with heat at the back of the head that was like the pillow is radiating heat. Then a number of energetics arose in the feet and legs that similar to the first one were very painful. Then there was coldness in the hips like it’s in touch with cool water, with coolness in the whole body after that, and it continued with a mix of different kinds of energetics, itching, tingling, fine-grained vibrations like the touch of a soft blanket, throbbing and so on. For a few minutes there was less identification with that part of the body below the neck, like it’s not me/mine. The sleepiness went away completely as time passed. Second round in bed after going to bathroom, I tried to relax and let go of paying much attention, but attention was clear without distraction and I continued to be aware of the whole body. At some point, I guess maybe because I got tired and let go of wanting, a kind of silence and stillness arose, that attention was pulled into the quietness in the mind and to the sense of stillness in the space, and other than mental impression of physical sensations, there were almost no mental activity. It seemed a timeless silence. The word that came to mind at the moment to describe it was “oblivion”, a timeless oblivion, because there wasn’t that pull in the mind toward past or future or any wanting, just abiding in that empty silence.
After getting up that silence and stillness is available to some extent. There are some energetics at the base of spine and perineum that feel pleasantly cold.
This flickering lights have arisen, violet and purple, moving rapidly, though none of the movements in the sensation disturbs the stillness that pervade all of it. It makes the eyes to open widely and defocus, and it makes the body to stop and just be still.
Oh I love the smell of this rice. Every one should (!) experience its taste and smell at least once before dying. It’s life itself.

9:12 AM
Did a sit, focused on silence and stillness Since the energy is more active, I had to breathe with my mouth. Almost no painful energetics, they were mostly neutral and some mildly pleasant with ice-water touch flavor. Bright white and purple colors and lights in the murk. After the sit the system prefers to just sit still, but I have to start working. I notice that when I desire something, it kind of disturbs or contaminates this stillness. Its like you are deforming a complete form, like a circle, after deformation it doesn’t have harmony, it wants to go back to harmony.
Flickering lights are active, with a faint mix of violet, blue and green. And energetics along the spine and around the perineum, with a kind of lightness in the body that keeps the spine straight.

10:34 AM
Started working, but after an hour sleepiness didn’t let me continue. The doubt and guilt, also worry related to the work has reduced that stillness greatly.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 14, 2021, 11:40 PM

After going to bed energetic were active, it was an interesting mix, high level of energetics with high level of equanimity and stillness. At one point I woke up and noticed a sound similar to breathing in or beside my head. At first I though it’s the sound of my breathing, but then I noticed it’s different from my breathing. It went on for some seconds and I couldn’t figure out what it is, and I though maybe something else is here and is breathing, so I opened my eyes but there wasn’t anything there. Some minutes later, half-awake half asleep, I noticed feeling of movement in the body, like you are in a car in a bumpy road, as if something external was moving or shaking the bed, again I didn’t know what that was and I let go of it and fell asleep. In a dream I was in this neighbor’s shop talking with his brothers, then suddenly we all stopped as if we all noticed the elephant in the room, that he has died, and I got worried that what I’m gonna say to them and how.
Similar to yesterday I didn’t sleep long and got up easily. That high energetic activation seems to be gone. The stillness seems to be gone too, although sometimes it arises briefly. The sensations in the right shoulder blade are active.

Tuesday, June 15, 2021, 1:36 AM

It’s over an hour that the stillness has become more predominant. Did a short sit, the energy current arose in the sacrum and along the spine, perineum, solar plexus and knees moving around a little bit, then coolness in the legs, and a painful sensation in left fingers that felt like burning and crushing, and then it subsided and there was some distraction in the mind. Both the body and attention prefer to stay still and not move. There is some pain in the fingers.

5:09 AM
There has been a lot of flickering lights, blue, violet, sometimes green or white/yellow or cyan, occasionally eyes stay defocused longer and the text in the screen becomes blurry and pixelated. While working I hit a technical complexity that I have no solution for it yet, so decided to rest for a 1-2 minutes. Then I noticed an energetic on the tip of my tongue, a clear and pleasant coolness on a small point in front part of the tongue. It was very nice and brought smile to my face.

6:14 AM
Worked for 4-5 hours. I wanted to continue more but because of this problem that I encountered, it became a dead-end, the mind doesn’t engage with finding solution and it just slips away into silence. Not having sharpness in the mind while dealing with this problem made me tired.

7:31 PM
Today I had difficulty getting up, lots of soreness and sleepiness discomfort, it felt that a big portion of the body is numb. There was a dream, I was in the supermarket here and asked the guy what’s going on with F, this neighbor that died, and he said.., he is here.. (He used to come and be there in the supermarket at nights for some time), and I saw him sitting there, we greeted and hugged each other, I don’t remember what I said, but I guess I said, I am sorry that this happened. This is interesting. After my uncle died, the one that we worked together on carpet weaving, I had him many times in my dreams, and in one of them there was a gathering, he was sitting there, alone, wearing black, looking down, I approached him and condoled him, then I remembered that it’s him that has died, so I wanted to talk with him about that but I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have any reactions. In fact in all of the dreams of him that I had in these few years, he is always silent. I am not sure, but maybe in one dream he talked, and it’s a question for me that why he is always silent.
There is still some sleepiness discomforts in the body. That energetic coldness that I had last couple of days, seems to be gone, and instead, it has the flavor of having glass-dust along the spine and in the sacrum, and in achilles tendons. Also there is some pain in fingertips.
Although that quiet stillness is accessible.

Wednesday, June 16, 2021, 2:34 AM

The thing that I notice these few days, in relation to the quiet stillness mind-state, is that sometimes it seems to be a polarity in the mind, one side is the wanting, wanting things to be this way or that way, but the other side is that, forget all that wanting, you know that it will never be satisfactory so why bother and spend all the energy for that wanting. So it seems that the system gets tired of wanting and slips into silence and stillness, and that feels better.
The other thing is that the stillness of visual objects is more noticeable, and when I look at something, if I stare on it for a few second, its stillness spreads and the whole experience becomes more still.
Since last night I think, there are frequent bright dots, they arise one at a time, and are bigger and brighter than usual. Often it’s a white/yellow one that later turns into a black one if I close my eyes.
The other thing is that staying in that stillness is much simpler. Sensations just arise and pass and they are less sticky. It uses less energy or effort(?), anyway. When I forget it, then other experiences tend to be more important, or take more bandwidth, but when it’s present, then all other experiences has smaller proportion compared to the silent and still space, then just come and go and poof, are gone.
Today there is a strong urge to eat tasty things. I ate some, but that doesn’t satisfy and the body wants more.
Today the energetics were painful, but it seems they have changed in the last hour. There is that coldness flavor in the lower back and left hip.
I made some food, but the worry that I have to eat it, also the worry that I should start working at some point tonight or today, makes me want to go to bed, despite not having any sleepiness.

5:58 PM
Today similar to yesterday I had difficulty gettin up, there was sleepiness discomforts. There were some strange dreams before waking up. I haven’t noticed much energetics or that sense of stillness.

8:13 PM
These few days I am experiencing some difficulty deciding which part of the day-night I should be awake or asleep. Part of it is because the nights are getting shorter and I don’t like that. I prefer to sleep at night, so last night I sacrificed working to be able to sleep while it was still dark. Also because of a technical problem that I don’t have a solution for it yet, it was more difficult to start working. Today was the same, but finally I could start a few minutes ago, and I hope it goes well. Time to end this entry here.
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 16, 2021, 9:28 PM

Lots of flickering lights specially in the right side, violet/blue, white and gray. I wonder if it has anything to do with my eyes health. We need to compile a list of medical doctors that also know about meditation-induced experiences!

Thursday, June 17, 2021, 1:27 AM

Worked for 5-6 hours and fixed the tech problem that I had. It removed the worry to some extent and brought some satisfaction. Last several hours there has been some sense of stillness present, also more beauty in the visual is noticeable, if I focus on the sensations, these qualities are there. In general, there is a baseline of satisfaction in the sensations, I could replace the word satisfaction with stillness, or equanimity, or joy. There have been some energetics, movements at the base of spine, a mild orgasm-like feeling in the lower body, a feeling in the forehead like it’s piercing it from the inside. When I stop and just be aware, there is increased spaciousness in the visual field, and it sometimes vibrates or has small shifts.

4:32 AM
There was some energetics, throbbing and pressure in the nose, feeling of itchy tingly coldness and pain with glass-dust flavor. Fine-grained vibrations in the left leg. Then I did a sit, being aware of the body-mind space. There was rise of energy in the genital and lower abdomen, then it felt like the left part of the body is being pulled to the left, then for some minutes painful energetics, a hard pain in the bones in different locations that felt like crushing. Brief burning in pointy areas. The was pleasant coolness coming and going a number of times, at some point there was a distorted perception, that looked to me like there are some historical/touristic places that you go there and sit and enjoy a cool breeze, and now I am sitting here enjoying that breeze. A number of time there was a sudden sensation in the torso that pushed the torso back. Later there was a similar one that pushed the head back, that felt like something hit my lips. I focused on the visuals in the murk and sensations of breathing to bring back clarity, and that created more energetic pains. Now there is pain in the left fingertips. This sit the intensity of pain was high, it was different from the last few days.
There was and is a baseline of stillness and equanimity, and still this typing feels enjoyable.

I should go to bed now but there is no sleepiness and there is high alertness. I hope to be able to fall asleep. There is a base of equanimity in sensations that makes them nice. There is a subtle but pervasive joy or satisfaction in the whole experience.
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, June 18, 2021, 1:34 AM

For a while in bed there was intense energetics, coolness and breeze in lower body with some sexual feelings, and pain in the whole system, with some pains that are not common. The one in the back of the head was one of them. There were some energetics in the inner parts, inside the mouth, left eye and colon, the ones that I remember. It’s interesting to me that these days I forget things a lot, mostly things that are not important. I don’t know if it’s good or not-good. It happened several times last two days that shortly after a conversation, I forgot its content, or I couldn’t remember the name of some people that I know well and I had to use google to find it.
Woke up once and after going back to bed I noticed there is no sleepiness, and there are constant mental talks. These few days that the stillness was available, most times the mental talk space was quiet. I stayed there and fell asleep after a while, but woke up very late, and there was sleepiness discomfort plus feelings similar to flu symptoms in the body when waking up.
Those qualities of stillness and satisfaction and beauty in the sensations have not been much available today. I’ve tried to notice the difference, and I see that there are more thoughts today, especially mental talks, the narrator often is talking, also there are more urges, that makes the body to have less stillness, and as a result, engage more in activities that part of them are just distractions in the end. To summarize it, there is less presence. And there is a lot of rocking and swaying in the body.
Today the energetics are mostly painful, and there has been a baseline of dissatisfaction, that makes the system want to look for satisfaction in something or somewhere else.

4:18 AM
Last several hours the mind-state has been mostly despair and disenchantment, frustration and worry. I am trying to observe its difference with the quiet stillness that was present for few days. Part of it is the “mental” aspect, that seems that there is a cloud or fog that obscures clarity of seeing or experiencing. Part of it is the mental images of the face, that is a contracted face expression image. Part of it is the tactile sensations in the face/head, neck/throat, and the whole body. There is a kind of subtle discomfort in the whole body, just that the ones in the upper part of the body are more obvious, although its discomfort in the legs becomes obvious at times too. I am not trying to change it, just trying to observe it, understand it, and experience it without an intention for it to go away.
There is a baseline for it, and there are waves that have a peak of intensity. The tricky part is that when a wave of emotion arises, when is’t not experienced fully or closely or clearly or whatever, it tends to create a view, or alter the view about things, about life, world, experience, self, time, etc. For instance, a wave of emotion with subtle but pervasive discomfort in the body, creates this perception that there is no fairness, which is a view and a mind-state, that leads to this other mind-state of not having hope. By “mind-state” I don’t mean that it’s just “mental” and not somatic, just that I don’t know a better term for it. It affects the whole body-mind, or it manifests in the whole experience.
Since yesterday I guess, there is this pain in parts of the body that feels like an ant bite. A single small point with a sharp pain. Sometimes if I rub that location, it fades away, sometimes not.

5:26 AM
Did a sit, focused on the sensations that were manifestations of any emotionality in the experience. There were lots of mental talks that seemed to be someone else that is talking, like I am tuned to a radio station that is talking about the politics. For some minutes it became very clear, clearer than most of ordinary mental talks, although all of it was in very brief segments, like hearing a few words, then a break then a few other words, often not a complete sentence. This sharp insect bite pain arose in the left knee and was intense for a few minutes. There was coolness in lower body, and some other energetics, that some were intense. The face images became less stable a few times. Toward the end the bright white light became much brighter. Earlier it was mostly a mix of purple, yellow/white and gray in the murk.

One of the characteristics of this mind-state that makes it more unpleasant, is the doubt, that I have difficulty making decisions. I'll try to focus on the stillness and beauty in the sensations to see if it changes it.
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, June 18, 2021, 10:27 PM

In the morning I tried a few times to tune to stillness and beauty in sensations, but the mind didn’t engage with it, so in bed I focused on the sensations in the body above chest. The energetics became wild, with coolness in lower body, fine-grained vibrations that would start from a single point and spread to larger area, like the whole right leg or left side of face and torso, they were neutral or slightly pleasant, and the pain that was in the back of the head, spread to the side of the head. I still feel it in the back of the head. In a dream there were two big animals, maybe dogs, that were bigger than a horse, but I am not sure if they were real animals or were just shadows. Today the experience is still dissatisfactory, especially after I got a reminder from my colleague about the slow progress of my work.
There were flu-like discomforts in the body after waking up, that have faded away mostly.

Saturday, June 19, 2021, 4:10 AM

Today there was a lot of doubt. I was uncertain about participating in an activity, that just in the last moment I decided to participate, but its concern plus the worry+guilt about work consumed the whole day. There is doubt, dissatisfaction and frustration.

4:32 PM
I focused on the relaxation in the whole body while in bed. The energetics kept me awake for a while. Lots of coolness, frequent rise of energy and spread of sensations from a single point to a larger area, lots of pain, earlier it was with tickling flavor, later it was sharp pain like that part of the body is on a nail, some of them would break up into vibrations and pain would fade away and coolness arise in its place, or fine-grained vibrations arise. Later these vibrations spread to almost everywhere in the body. At some point I woke up and noticed pleasant coolness in the whole body and focused on it, the next time I woke up was with intense pain in the sacrum, forehead and right achilles tendon. It forced me to get up. There was some change in the sensations in the abdomen. Usually it feels a solid big object there and it’s the only place that usually doesn’t have vibrations. At some point it became more relaxed and started feeling like it’s layered, that when breathing, it was like a few layers of sensations expand and contract. For a while body image was distorted, that looked like the abdomen is much bigger, and other parts are less noticeable. There was flickering purple/white/gray lights/colors in the murk. In a dream there were two dogs that were waiting in front of a toilet door to go inside but when I looked at them, I noticed they are big bears. It happened once again that I say they are bears and not dogs, this time they went inside. In the next scene I was in a cramped space with my nephew, I say a dog a little farther and said to me nephew, there is a dog here, and he said, yeah it’s a dog so what, it’s not a problem. But I had fear and the dog ran toward me and I grabbed a stick to defend.
After waking up these fine-grained vibrations arose a number of times, starting from a single point and spreading to a large area. Some of the pains are still there, the one in the sacrum back of the head that feels like it’s on a sharp object. Similar ones arise in other places like perineum or achilles tendons.
Earlier in bed there was relaxation and tingling in the body. Later tension arose in the jaw.
Similar to the previous days, there was mental talks about politics that seemed like someone else is talking there.
There was a feeling that happened many times, that unlike movement of energy currents that occupies a small width and depth, this was movements of sensations in the entirety of that region of the body, for instance it arises in upper legs and moves to the chest, and it’s felt in the entirety of that area.

11:59 PM
There have been some energetics today, a mix of fine-grained vibrations, sharp pain in the central spots, meaning the back of the head, center of the forehead, sacrum and achilles tendons, and occasionally throbbing and tingly coldness, or a very mild sexual feeling. Also there has been flickering lights, mostly bright violet.
Last few hours there is more coolness in the legs. The cooler was working for hours so I turned it off to let it rest a little bit, and I expected to be hot since it’s very hot in recent days, but there is a lot of coolness in the body after that, that feels like there is a gentle breeze. The body started its own cooler!

Sunday, June 20, 2021, 2:44 AM

Today that quality of stillness and beauty in the sensations has been present in a mild form. I was able to work after two days of not working.
There are brief emotional occurrences that I notice them in the body and its image. Feelings of despair or worry, or satisfaction that arise and pass away after some seconds.

4:01 AM
Did a sit. There was spaciousness, then coolness in the body and other energetics that mostly were pain with tickling flavor. Thoughts about politics kept arising, the mental talks part of it felt like is not me/mine and I am just hearing it. Last few minutes sleepiness arose and now there is soreness in the whole body. It was interesting that the body went from relatively relaxed to being full of soreness in just seconds. There is also jaw clenching.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, June 20, 2021, 3:02 PM

Like most of the recent days, it took several hours to fall asleep today. For a while I practiced intentionally, but after that I let go and wanted to fall asleep but there wasn’t much sleepiness or distraction and there was high clarity that created energetics. Instead of focusing on the whole space or whole body, I mostly focused on the relaxation and coolness, and except for the earlier part, there was less pain and energetics were mostly coolness, vibrations and tingling. The coolness has been mostly in the legs and hands before, but yesterday and today it spread to the whole body. It was like a number of tiny fans are working beside each part of the body, creating breeze and coolness.
There were mental talks about politics that felt like hearing and not talking.

Once I woke up and noticed I am smiling and laughing. In a dream I was talking with an old friend about swimming or maybe some operations under water, then I was swimming that was in 3 parts, each part was in a different location or space but I don’t remember the first two. In the last one I entered an underground tunnel filled with water that was connected to a bigger space filled with water, or maybe to a lake or something. The swimming was like pedaling while lying down on my back and I felt the movement that was enjoyable. I think there was a feeling of movement or gliding before that too, but I don’t remember if it was in the sky or inside water. Then I woke up and noticed the wavy feelings in the body, which seems to be the thing that creates this feeling of movement. It was more fine-grained than the ones that I sometimes feel before falling space, and it was in most of the body, little movements in muscles that feel like they move in different directions or something pulls them in different directions. It’s like instead of having a solid feeling on lying on the floor, the body is on many ball bearings. I tried to focus on it to see if it leads to anything, but I fell asleep.
There was jaw clenching in bed, and after waking up there is discomfort in the left side of the face and jaw that spreads to the eye and neck too, it feels like it’s dislocated. It’s unpleasant. I sometimes think about the kinds of pain that can be harder to tolerate, and this kind of discomfort is one of them, because it gives this impression that something is not right (dislocated) and you have to fix it, that creates a restlessness added to the discomfort.
There was flu-like discomfort while and after waking up. Some of it is gone, some fatigue and sleepiness remains.

4:23 PM
Interesting that the sleepiness and fatigue and aches and pains and soreness in the whole body have become predominant. There is strong urge to lie down and rest, and the eyes feel very heavy, they just want to close.

5:54 PM
There was too much discomfort that I wanted to go to bed, then I thought these sleepiness discomforts and fatigue are likely a state/stage thing and will go away after a while, so I focused on the discomforts and on the stillness in the background. It has subsided now, although still there are some flu-like discomforts.
Also the pain in the center of the back of the head has arisen again. The discomfort in the left jaw is almost gone. Brief feelings of despair and disappointment arise.
There is a kind of tingling sometimes in part of the body that feels like it’s not stable/solid and it has movement, like the right hip on the floor feels like it’s subtly gliding. It happened while I was in bed too.

8:21 PM
The body feels very hot and there is constant sweating in the head. There is less discomfort in the body, except for mild sleepiness and soreness and some pain in the bones of hands.
That discomfort that earlier was in the left side of jaw and face has arisen again mildly.

8:45 PM
Lots of vibrating lights, white, yellow, purple and violet. Release of energy in the head. Upward rise of sensations in the perineum and genital and middle back. Pleasant coolness and breeze in the face. Sleepiness and heaviness in the eyes while having clarity in the sensations. The hips muscles feel like it’s warping and twisting from the inside.

Monday, June 21, 2021, 2:25 AM

Today worked for 6 hours. My current task has lots of complexities, and now that I’ve finished the majority of them, it brings ease, and enables me to work faster. This memory and forgetting thing became interesting tonight. I had not called my mother but thought that I’ve called, then I noticed I don’t remember talking with her tonight, then I tried to remember if I’ve called but I couldn’t, so I called to ask if I had called, and she said no.
Last few hours the sleepiness is gone and sensations have more clarity, stillness and satisfaction in them. The coolness/breeze keeps arising with varying rates of frequency and coverage of the body. Earlier a few times it looked like the visual field in front of me moved or rotated a little bit, but it was so brief to know it clearly.

3:45 AM
Did a sit focused on the change in sensations. There were two kinds of mental talks, one that was the narrator that seemed to be me/mine, the other seemed that is someone else’s voice. for some minutes they become very clear and loud. Then there were lots of distorted thoughts and perceptions, both mental talks and images, some of it had that other-ness quality I guess. I had focused on the color statics on the murk and I perceived them clearly and I was aware of the body with good clarity, so I didn’t feel that I am sleepy, but these thoughts were as if I am in a dream but without being in it and just seeing hearing it like ordinary thoughts. I’ve forgotten most of them, but the objects and concepts were pretty fluid, ..I don’t know how to describe it! One that I vaguely remember was something like,.. maybe a money transfer was needed or something else, and I or someone else intended to have two ATMs, and two ATMs just were created on the fly and showed up and that thing was done. I can’t remember more, it was strange. I guess it was a portal to the dreamland. The body felt comfortable during the sit but the moment I ended it I noticed fatigue and sleepiness soreness that are present now.
Earlier there was spaciousness, energetics, and coolness. A few times there was an abrupt change or shift in the experience but it wasn’t very clear.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, June 21, 2021, 8:59 PM

Last night in bed it was similar to the night before and practice continued for a few hours. There was a mosquito in the room, and I felt a lot of sensations on the skin that I wasn’t sure it’s the mosquito or it’s just the energetics. Some of them were certainly energetics because the mosquito couldn’t reach them. Also there was itching everywhere, again I don’t know which ones were energetics, and which ones were because of mosquito bite, or because I have eaten dates in the last few days. First time I got up, I noticed a big red rash in a location in the body that in the past had a similar thing for 1-2 years and it had become a big problem for me, and was very unpleasant. This one had arisen when I was in bed, and it was big, like 1.5 cm by 1.5 cm. I didn’t know it was because of mosquito bite, or something else, but the thing that was interesting, was that it didn’t cause too much worry. Considering its history and my history, I expected to be filled with anxiety and not be able to sleep after that. But I stayed equanimous, thinking that, okay this is something, it may go away or not, it may be problematic or not, but at the moment I can’t do much about it, except for being careful, and I slept. The next time I got up it was gone. I’ve had many problems in my skin since childhood, so I am used to such things, but sometimes some of it create too much worry. This time equanimity was predominant, which was a surprise.

Today there is this energetic pain in the left ear. Also it has throbbing and pulsing. Earlier there was lots of violet lights. And there is itches everywhere that feels like burning. I guess it’s partly related to energetics, and partly to eating date. These few days I’ve had aversion to eating and cooking and feeding myself has been an issue.

Tuesday, June 22, 2021, 2:59 AM

It seems that this itching is due to energetics, it occurs more in places with usual energetic sensations. Also there is sensations similar to insect moving on and under skin. A single point 2 inches above the knees has this sensation frequently. There is itching in the perineum and base of spine, but that’s different from that other itching that feel like burning. This one is neutral or maybe pleasant.
There are small movements of this sensation that I call main energy current, in the sacrum and base of spine, perineum, solar plexus, lower abdomen, knees and achilles tendons.

3:58 AM
Worked for 5-6 hours. I started late because I woke up late. There was fatigue and flu-like symptoms when waking up, but later they mostly went away, now they are back.

5:04 AM
Did a sit, focused on the whole body. Energetics were very painful in the early part, the vibrations in the long toes and the pains along the spine and in the rib cage. One was next level in one of the big toes, that literally felt like burning in the fire and caused the body to jump up. Later the pain subsided and it was mostly small movements around the base of spine and sacrum. There were vague impressions of previous dreams, and right from the beginning there were distorted perceptions. It seems that the system tries to map itself to another system, and by doing that find alternative ways of expression. I tried to remember some of them but I couldn’t succeed much. One was something like, a though arose I guess about some sensations, then there was other thoughts including mental images, expressing that the government should make reports of the qualities of experiences, or sensations, and compare the reports of this month with previous month, something like that. It seems that the system tries to see each part of itself or each sensations as a separate entity.

That quality of stillness+satisfaction arises again. It feels like there is a small core to the experience that is the source of satisfaction and stillness, but it’s nowhere, also there is this sense that this quality is spread in all of the space everywhere, and each sensation has it too. It feels like there is potential for great things to happen or to do, and at the same time it feels nothing needs to be done, it’s fit already. It’s hard to say which part of the experience, or which sensations is better or worse than others. I guess the question of better or worse is irrelevant.
All the said, I guess it’s better to just shut up and go for sleep! ; )
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, June 22, 2021, 6:32 AM

After ending the previous sit, there is no sleepiness. Some pain has arisen in places like hand bones and genitals, but also coolness arises in that places. Also there is coolness arising in the center of soles.

Wednesday, June 23, 2021, 12:10 AM

This morning in bed it started with pain, then it was going in an out of sleep for many times. Each time coming out of sleep was with a distorted perception, I tried to remember it but I couldn’t, I could only remember it for 1-2 second. I guess it was something like as if the whole period of sleep seemed to be one frame of experience, but one distorted frame. I was even hard to try to remember it because it was different from the usual perception of things so I wasn’t sure how to hold it in awareness. There was too much sleepiness after waking up so I slept again and woke up late. Again flu-like discomforts in the body after waking up that mostly went away after an hour. First few hours there was goosebump-like vibrations in the body especially when a stimuli triggered emotionality. Also after waking up for 1-2 hours there was this energetic in the body that felt like parts of it are wet. It made me to check to see if it’s really wet or not. Now they all are gone, and there is some pain i the upper body, in solar plexus and arms and hands and back, that feels like it’s in bones.

7:18 AM
Today so far, (yeah today, only if I could define what a today means!), anyway, there has been lack of interest and motivation and hope, but also there is equanimity with it. Usually when these emotions arise, it creates a discomfort, a frustration that I want to go away, but I haven’t noticed that frustration or restlessness today. It’s like, there isn’t motivation, okay that’s today’s reality, nothing less nothing more.
Some energetics arise, once in some minutes maybe. Feeling like part of the body is wet, or the itches, although today that quality of burning isn’t there with the itches, and some hard pains in the back. For a while the goosebumpy vibrations arose in the whole body. It seemed that they spread from a few points along the central column, one in the neck, and others below that. Usually there is some pain or itching in that location when vibrations spread from it.
Also today there is this pain above solar plexus, center of the chest at the heart level, also there is hard pain in both side of the spine in the back at that level.
Also there is jaw clenching today. It could be that it’s because I haven’t started the work yet.

9:19 AM
Today I couldn’t work. All I could do was to send a report. The mind just doesn’t engage with it. It’s like it doesn’t want to move or choose or prefer. It’s still, but cold and dead.
I started to work and stared at the monitor for an hour but it didn’t happen. I guess I’ll sleep.
George S, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Siavash '
Today so far, (yeah today, only if I could define what a today means!), anyway, there has been lack of interest and motivation and hope, but also there is equanimity with it. Usually when these emotions arise, it creates a discomfort, a frustration that I want to go away, but I haven’t noticed that frustration or restlessness today. It’s like, there isn’t motivation, okay that’s today’s reality, nothing less nothing more.

Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 23, 2021, 11:56 PM

Today in bed there were lots of mental talks with other voices. I focused on them to see how they happen, at first there were probably voices that I had heard before talking about the topics that were in the mind recently, about politics and religion etc, then I noticed they get modified, for instance I started hearing one of them with an accent that I am sure I haven’t heard it externally, if we take this assumption that basically we can trust our senses and make judgments based on that, though I am aware that it’s not 100% reliable. I wanted to see how much of these talks are volitional/intentional, or they just happen and I can’t change them intentionally, so I intended to hear talks about certain topics, but it didn’t happen and previous ones continued.

After waking up I’ve started doing work at the house, cleaning etc, I notice that I don’t have much thoughts about it, that I should do it or don’t do it or it feels difficult or not, I just started doing them. I’ve been trying to do this way intentionally for some months now, both in my work and other things, but I usually forget it, or don’t have enough clarity and equanimity to do it. Whatever.

Before going to bed there was this concern in the mind about what Shinzen call flatness, which I see that I have potential for it, that you have equanimity but without joy or aliveness, or what he calls bounce. I intended to pay more attention to the joyful, pleasant and beautiful aspects of experience, if I could remember it. Today that same quality is present, what should I call it, let’s see, cold equanimity, dead equanimity, cold indifference, or just fucking indifference.

Thursday , June 24, 2021, 5:09 AM

I don’t know where this energy came from, but I did quite some work at the house, washing dishes, cooking, laundry, etc. It made me tired but it was good. It has softened that dead cold indifference in the experience. I guess the body-mind is getting tired of this way of living life. Right after waking up and before having tea I went and cut my beard. This never happened before.

5:51 AM
I don’t do any formal sit today because I want to go to bed. Some practice will happen there. There is an urge in the body-mind to start using more of the opportunities that I can have, to make the house a more enjoyable place and things like that. I won’t put extra pressure on the system, but if things want to go in that direction, I’ll certainly go with it and will try to enforce it.
Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, June 24, 2021, 8:28 PM

I focused on the mind-space while I was in bed. Earlier there were lots of loud and clear mental talks, later it was more faint mixed with energetics in the body. I guess there was a dream with movement, but I don’t remember if it was flying or gliding. Also I had the dream about going back to university to continue my studies again. In the dream I had a thought that looked very interesting to me, I thought that it’s better to start the studies from the beginning, but instead of software, study math and do it just for fun. After I woke up I realized it’s not that simple!
Last several days there have been flu-like symptoms in the body in the first hour after waking up, but later it would go away. Today it was mild, but one of them has stayed, the feeling in the nose and mouth that always is an indicative of cold/flu.

11:30 PM
The mind-state today mostly has been ordinary with a kind of mild scatteredness and restlessness. Around an hour ago I noticed these flu-like symptoms are getting stronger. Since then there is shakiness in the body with feeling like weakness in the arms and legs. But then I noticed some energetics arising, that made me think that maybe these experiences are related to energetics. There was/is a feeling as if there is a small core to these discomforts somewhere in the space, also a feeling that something wants to get released in the body. A constriction has arisen in the throat. Also there was a feeling in the nose and face similar to energy release. And there is a kind of anxiety with it, with tension in the muscles especially abdomen, and some throbbing here and there, also jerkiness. The whole thing is familiar, and it has happened a number of times before. I guess it was around a year ago that it happened for the first time, that all these manifestations show up together. Usually it goes away after 1-3 hours.

Now some minutes later flickering lights have arisen, violet, white, yellow, with white and yellow dots and lines and swaths in the center.
Also there is soreness because of sleep deprivation. Today I couldn’t sleep much. Part of this fatigue can be because of that.

Friday, June 25, 2021, 1:15 AM

It’s interesting that these symptoms got intensified this much in less than 1-2 hours. I don’t understand it. I was home for 4-5 days and didn’t have any contact with anyone. I still  think that it’s either related to the energetics, or it’s some residue of the last year’ sickness. I was working but I had to stop, I am going to bed. There is pain everywhere in the muscles. Also there is muscle tension everywhere. Normal sickness shouldn’t have this much tension.

1:36 PM
It seems that this is sickness and not energetics. The discomforts continued since then. I woke up a few times because of discomforts and right before getting up, there was a dream that I killed one of my friends there. We were in university campus, had a brief argument, but I took a card and stabbed it in his throat or forehead, I don’t remember. I don’t know if he died or I let him there to die because of bleeding. But I put the card into his hand and made it look like that he has stabbed himself, and then I tried to run away before the rest of the roommates know what just happened. One of them knew and I asked him to come with me. I don’t remember having a similar dream before.

A notice for nth time that when there is no emotional discomfort, physical discomfort doesn’t bother. The moment one of these “why, when, how,..” comes to mind, that mean something is wrong, then it becomes unpleasant. I’ve been thinking a lot these few years about a definition for emotion, I think for unpleasant emotions, at the core, they all share this: “Something is wrong”. That’s the key part, in the realm of concepts and stories. And as long as there is no emotionality, I can’t find much difference between pain and other sensations. It’s uncomfortable, but not a problem. An uncomfortable sensation is bothersome when it arises with an urge that’s against that sensations and wants to change or remove it. There is an opposition, lack of harmony that,.. I wanted to say “leads to suffering”, but it is suffering.

2:50 PM
It’s been a few days that when practicing in bed, I try to focus in a way that is easier for me, and it seems that it leads to more spaciousness and restfulness. I focus on a few sense door at the same time but not in a sharp way, and I don’t pay close attention to any of them. I hold these 3 in the awareness: First is the relaxation in the body, or heaviness or sense of gravity, this gray feeling in the body that seems to be present wherever weight and gravity can be felt, a neutral feeling. Second, the quietness or silence in the mental talk space. It can be the nada sound, but the silence itself works better. Third, the darkness and blankness in the mental image space. It’s a mix of the dark/gray background of the murk, mix with the sense that there is no mental image in the rest of image space, almost what Shinzen calls See In Rest. The important part is that I don’t focus on the boundaries of each of these sense door or sensation, because if I do that, it removes the restfulness. Just holding these three gently in the awareness, relaxation or heaviness, quietness, blankness. I guess it can be used to access to deeper equanimity and formlessness but I haven’t played with it in formal sittings.

4:05 PM
Today when waking up there was a mild anger, but later it has been mostly ordinary, with a baseline of equanimity and stillness that sometimes becomes more noticeable and there is that sense of satisfaction with it.

8:29 PM
Unlike last night that there was lack of energy and strength beside discomforts, today energy level is fine. In the afternoon a restlessness arose to go for a walk, so I did. It seems that the sunlight had a positive effect on the discomforts. After coming back I did some cleaning in the house and that felt good. I want to do it everyday if I can. After that there has been a restlessness that I switch between activities. I had stopped watching sky because of my eyes problem, but it is very beautiful now so I watched it for a few minutes. I noticed clinging to its spaciousness, and I wanted to keep watching it.

8:59 PM
Started to work, and interestingly enough a strong sleepiness arose, soreness in the whole body and it takes effort to keep the eyes open! Also lots of flickering and vibrating lights, violet/purple/blue. Last several hours there has been vibrations and shadows in the visual field, and sometimes it looks like there was a camera auto zoom effect, like the field expanded then contracted and then expanded again. A few times sense of brief movement in the body or in the space or both.

Saturday, June 26, 2021, 2:34 AM

Thanks to universe that today I could work more than yesterday. There is a decrease in the discomforts. I did some more cleaning in the house and that felt good. This happens frequently these few hours, that for a moment it seems that the experience becomes or starts to become extra clear or vivid, but then stops. Or maybe I don’t describe it correctly because it’s not clear.
These few days sometimes a brief memory arises from distant past, just one or few mental images, but it has a strong feel component. I feel its smell or presence quite strongly, which then makes that mental image much clearer.
Siavash ', modified 29 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, June 26, 2021, 4:39 AM

Did a short sit, focused on the restfulness (relaxation in the body, silence in mental talk space, blankness on mental image space. I’ll use restfulness in the body-mind to refer to these.). It became very sleepy. Then wanted to go to bed but an urge arose to do more cleaning, so I cleaned one of rooms to some extent. I notice obsession about cleaning, need more equanimity. There is high clarity and stillness in sensations. When focusing on a single sensation, it reveals its stillness, beauty, satisfactoriness, and it feels like it’s enough, nothing more is needed.

Sunday, June 27, 2021, 12:52 AM

Last night in bed there was too much tiredness and sleepiness and I felt sleep relatively quickly. Some practice happened but I don’t remember much. Again I had dreams about S, someone that I liked in the past but we were not supposed to be together. This is 3rd or 4th time that I have dreams of her in a week and I don’t understand that. There was a gathering, and I wanted to write something so I found an empty room to sit there and write.
I woke up very late and slept over 10-12 hours. Last 3-4 days I didn’t have enough sleep because I had difficulty falling asleep. Had difficulty getting up and body was very uncomfortable with the sickness symptom. After 3-4 hours some comfort came to the body, and I did some house cleaning.

The background equanimity and stillness is present, and it gives me some hope, comfort and confidence.
Sometimes I muddy the water of clarity by adding too many parameters to the equation, and that makes me to have less clarity about the big picture issues and states, but I feel that in the last 1-2 weeks, in general there has been less fear in the experience. There has been good amount of discomforts, but they don’t get to the point of feeling being suffocated, or feeling that this is the worse thing that can happen, or the worst thing will happen. There has been some space around the discomfort.
Also it seems that there has been less unnecessary thoughts. For instance I had to do cooking, but I had thoughts about it for hours and hours, thinking how I am gonna do that, that’s an example of unnecessary thought. Things have happened with much less amount of such thoughts, and that’s much much better than the other way.

3:25 AM
I think the main difference is that the mode of “All or nothing” is less active or less dominant. Experiencing things with the perception of “all or nothing”, I think is one of the things that creates suffering for me, it creates fear, worry, guilt, despair and etc. I guess I’ve become tired of having worry and/or guilt, so maybe they happens less. I don’t know, but this is a guess for now.
Although the body is very tired, but I’ve continued cleaning the house today, a little bit here a little bit there, now starting to work. I notice that all those “negative” mind-state arise, worry, despair, guilt, but they don’t fill the experience. At this moment the despair is present and sometimes becomes more noticeable. Will see what comes next.

9:31 AM
I worked for 6 hours. Although there was despair, but I engaged with the work quickly and forgot that. Last few hours there has been a baseline of satisfaction in the experience. Now that I ended the work I noticed the despair again, but equanimity is present too. While typing I stopped and the eyes became defocused while staring into the space in front of me, and the visual scene started moving as if it’s on a little raft of the water and slowly moves to the right and left, and it gave a similar feeling to the body, also the light started flickering rapidly. Then the narration arose to write these sentences and the vibrations faded away. I forgot what I wanted to write.

Again there is no sleepiness and the eyes open widely and I get pulled into the silence. That means probably it take longer to fall asleep. I’ll do some practice then try to sleep.
Today there have been some energetics, but mostly the energy body was quiet. There was some pain in the head, some feeling of wetness and some throbbing. Now vibrations in the left long toe arises.
Siavash ', modified 28 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, June 27, 2021, 11:56 AM

Did a sit for half an hour. First focused on the totality of the experience, and then on the movements of flickering color statics in the murk. There was some discomfort with the posture, there was urge to change postures. Later some energetics arose. I ended the sit to go to bed, also because it didn’t feel comfortable to practice, but after ending and opening my eyes, I noticed I want to sit still and be aware. So I did for some minutes. There are some energetics now in the base of spine, knees and soles of feet. Eyes still open widely and the stillness is predominant.

Monday, June 28, 2021, 2:25 AM

Didn’t do much practice in bed and I fell asleep quickly. Had a deep sleep for 8-9 hours and online usual I didn’t get up in the middle of it. Lot of discomfort in the body after waking up and it took a while to get up. Some hours later still the body feels sick. Today there is less energy and motivation and I am tired, although I’ve done a little bit of cleaning and I’ll work. The mind-state has been mostly neutral.
It seems that the same pattern is happening again: I need to do something, in this case to make tea and then start working, but I don’t feel to have the energy and motivation to do it, so I don’t do anything and sit and wait and thoughts arise about what will happen, how I am gonna do x or y. After a little while frustration arises, and I get tired of these thoughts and tired of waiting, and that drives me to get up and start doing that x and y.
I don’t know what is the cause for this fatigue in the body, but it’s not easy to do things in this situation, but to not do them is harder because of the emotions that it creates.
Today there is more pain and discomfort in the body because of this sickness or whatever that it is. Now pain arose in the left side of the head and reminded me that I had that pain during the practice in the morning and it caused worry because of its intensity and because it was new kind of pain.

7:13 AM
Since yesterday or before that there is tension in the legs and feet, and when walking it becomes noticeable because the right leg stops for a moment. I am trying to keep in mind to relax the abdomen and keep it relaxed but often I forget and at some point I notice that I’ve tightened it and the whole time it has been contracted. But then when I relax it and let the muscles expand out, it develops pain because either it wants to contract again and move to the inside, or it exerts effort in staying expanded, as if I am pushing the muscles outward or expanding it forcefully, and after 1-2 minutes the muscles become tired and painful. The mind-state has been relaxed, equanimous with some satisfaction present, sometimes feeling joyful, what I call joy of manifestation, that sensations are satisfactory. So I don’t know what is about with these tensions, maybe it’s just a force of habit. Also there has been jaw clenching today. A few times some strong energetics arose but the passed away quickly. The body was very uncomfortable with the sickness symptoms, now it feels better.

8:48 AM
These 1-2 hours that stillness and equanimity has taken that dead/cold quality. It seems like there is a sadness at the core of it, but because it’s mixed with equanimity, it becomes like indifference and disenchantment. It could be that it’s related to work. I finished a subtask that was similar to another one so it didn’t require much thinking, but I started another subtask that is different and has some complexities, and since then the energy level has decreased a little bit and that quality of joy or satisfaction is not much noticeable. Although when focusing on a sensation a little bit, the positive qualities become more noticeable. The body was relatively comfortable, now there is fatigue again. Also pain in the left side of the jaw, the one that I had described it as if the jaw is dislocated.
There are mild energetics at the base of spine.

10:39 AM
Some dissatisfaction has been present. I worked for 6 hours and it was productive, but that didn’t remove the dissatisfaction. There is some pain in the back and right side, probably that’s a cause for dissatisfaction. I haven’t been able to know what is that pain. It sometimes changes with the energetics but sometimes it seems it’s related to lungs. I am not sure but I guess it has arisen since last year’ sickness. Currently I don’t have enough time, energy, motivation, money and courage to take it to a doctor and have it scanned.

12:12 PM
Did a sit focused on the color statics in the visual field. There were lots of distorted thoughts and perceptions,  seeing the body as the country and thinking in terms of the politics using sensations in the body, like a thought arose that maybe a certain group of politicians are causing this pain in the back, then it became world politics. Also personifying of the codes of my current task, perceiving each part of the code as a person and they were communicating. Then energetics arose, some were intense and painful, and later sleepiness. Still there is tension in the jaw. There were some sensations that felt like the body or part of it was moved by something, like it was moved by wind.
SushiK, modified 28 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sorry didn't read the whole but your last seat with distorted thoughts and perceptions resonate with me.
It's not usual but I definitely have some sits where the mind goes creating weird stories about what's happening and it does involve personifying some sensations and giving it weird agency.

Just interesting to see that different life, background, practice still leads to some shared experience :-)

Have a nice day Siavash
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Hi Sushi,
That's interesting. Thanks for sharing it.

Yes, we all have far more similarities than differences.
Siavash ', modified 27 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Tuesday, June 29, 2021, 3:24 AM

Yesterday it felt and looked several times that an energy starts to move the body and the space in a vortex, but each time it stopped after a second. When in bed also energetics were very intense in the early part and a few time if felt like when the energy gets activated, it wants to move the body upward. After waking up there is the feeling flavor of coldness and wetness in the energetics, and I feel that vortex thing again, only that it’s very subtle, or it stops after a moment of movement.
The body still feels sick, but there is less discomfort compared to yesterday. Lots of jaw clenching still. It seems that the energy is trapped in 3 regions, head, abdomen, legs, and tries to break out but can’t and it becomes tension.
Yesterday a few times when focusing on external objects, it looked like it’s moving very slowly but its position doesn’t change. Later years of high school I’d go and sit beside the river that is in my hometown and stare at the fast current in certain parts of the river, after a few minutes it would look like everything is moving but without any change in their position. It looked like that yesterday a little bit. With the river sometimes it looked like the current is static and I am moving in the opposite direction of the water, it was both enjoyable and scary. Scary because I’d sit on a wall around 15 above the water and rocks, and there was worry of falling down because of the dizziness.

5:45 AM
Today energy level is better than yesterday. There was procrastination to make tea and then start the work, then an urge arose for a moment to get up and do it, so I grabbed it and got up and made the tea, that brought more energy so I did some cleaning and dish washing and that felt good. There is stillness and the mind is at peace with brief worry and sadness that arise and vanish a little later. The energetics on the right shoulder blade have arisen again after a while that were absent. The difference between having things like worry and sadness and the stillness seems to be in mental images, at least partially. With those emotions, it seems that there is always a distance or a fog around sensations, with the stillness it seems that fog is not there, so the sensations are clear and direct or closer or more intimate. I guess it’s presence and absence of some mental images that creates all of these qualities.
There is some pain in the jaw as if I’ve been yawning for an hour, and vibrations in the center of the neck, energetic itches at the top of the head and inside hips.

2:59 PM
Today worked for 7-8 hours and it was productive. Like yesterday there was more speed and sharpness in the mind. It’s been some months that almost always mind was foggy, and it couldn’t think fast or hold more than 1-2 things, and when facing with a small technical complexity, it would stop and fall into frustration and despair. That quality is less present these 2-3 days and that makes working less uncomfortable and even sometimes enjoyable.

There has been calmness and satisfaction for a few hours, button hour ago I was reminded in a phone call that it’s near a year I haven’t visited my family, and that brought to mind 1-2 of the big problems that I have, and that has created sadness and despair. Because it felt that I don’t have enough strength to deal with those problems, but then I thought wait a minute, I don’t have to change things in one instant. A lot is possible with gradual improvements and I can improve them too. I am glad that I could stop taking propranolol, and working has improved in the last month. Now it’s time to make some resolutions, and go for the next item. I hope to remember that things need to change in a slow but steady rate, that’s the way for the real change to take place. And as Shinzen says: “Divide and conquer, and if divide-and-conquer doesn’t work, subdivide until you do conquer”.

5:06 PM
Did a sit using Shinzen’s Focus In technique, noting the mental and emotional sensations. The field became spacious. It continued with good clarity, then some intense energetics arose, and there was some distorted thoughts and perceptions later, and the sleepiness and soreness in the whole body. Although the sleepiness didn’t affect the posture and there wasn’t any dozing off. It’s interesting how there are different kinds of manifestations for sleepiness during practice. The sadness-despair has subsided after the sit, and there is a baseline of clarity and satisfaction.
There was jaw clenching. There is pain and watering in the eyes.
There is satisfaction and wonder of unknown possibilities and opportunities, with brief arising of despair. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, June 29, 2021, 11:32 PM

Today I’ve been noticing hungry ghost behavior. I needed to repair my mobile device and had not been able to do that for near a year and instead I’ve been using an older one, today I took that for repair and had to go out a couple times; that made me very tired and I had less time for work, so there was striving for productivity and that created restlessness. Also it’s over a week that I’ve change my smoking behavior and that has resulted in reduction of the smoking by half. Today there was lots of discomfort related to that, that both smoking and not smoking was dissatisfactory, needing satisfaction but not being able to find it.
Other than these strivings and restlessnesses, it has been mostly neutral-ordinary without that sense of stillness-satisfaction.
I worked for a few hours, then I did a sit, but it was mostly sleepiness and distractedness. After the sit I started noting see hear feel a couple times but I forgot quickly.
There is lots of itching everywhere in the body. It’s been some years that sometimes my skin becomes very sensitive, usually 1-2 times a year, and strong itches arises that then turn into many small rashes, it’s usually very unpleasant, if I scratch it, itches spread and it turns into burning, if I don’t scratch it, it tuned to a different kind of pain in the tissue and bones. The best thing is to not scratch it, but sometimes it’s so painful/uncomfortable.

Thursday, July 1, 2021, 12:19 AM

Did another sit with noting see hear feel. Very sleepy. There was lots of dreamy mental images that kind of look/feel that it’s happening. In one of them I say a guy in the street that was selling candles, and I started going toward him to buy candles but an intense energetic arose in the right toes and brought me out of it. It felt like burning and its shock spread to the arms. There were a few more intense energetics after that.
It’s very interesting that last several hours there is a strong urge to practice. The last days that there was that sense of high stillness-satisfaction and clarity, there wasn’t any urge to practice most of the time because it didn’t feel there is a need to it, and I wouldn’t remember to practice. Now there isn’t that high clarity and stillness and I just want to practice. Another hungry ghost manifestation. Although when focusing on visual object with the eyes open, that stillness arises.

1:38 AM
Another short sit noting body parts. The mind-state is the same, there is striving, but doing the thing, in this case practice, doesn’t satisfy that thirst. Although body-mind was very sleepy, but clear.
Clearly this mind-state is different from previous days and it should not be directly related to external circumstances. Previous days there was uncertainty and normally I’d be worried, but I wasn’t. Today there isn’t that uncertainty, and life circumstances are more stable than before, but there is worry. Although still there is equanimity in the background, and these restlessness, worry and strivings don’t fill the whole experience.

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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, July 1, 2021, 2:50 PM

Today after waking up there was an increase of energy and alertness, so I didn’t sleep again despite not having enough rest and sleep. There was soreness and fatigue in the body, sexual urges and feelings, and I guess striving. A few hours later this thought came to mind that “It’s such a waste to not be in equanimity/stillness mind-state and have these thoughts and emotions”, something like that but not much verbally. Immediately I noticed the sense of stillness and contentment again, and gradually it became more predominant. I’ve had difficulty finding a good description for this sense of contentment, but today that similes came to mind from the buddha about second and third jhana. It feels like that pond with a spring welling up from the bottom and filling the pond with contentment, and the image that is in my mind for this contentment, is that as that spring wells up, it only spreads blow the surface of the pond, and it doesn’t go above the surface, so the surface is still, but inside, clear cool water spreads to the whole thing.

After this shift, the stillness is predominant most of the time. Body moves slowly and prefers to stay still. Eyes open widely and become defocused while looking into the space. Time slows down. And concepts and ideas fade into silence quickly, like when you are driving fast in a road, and other cars come from the opposite direction, for any sounds from those cars, as they get farther from you, there is a fading, it arises and then fades into the oblivion quickly.

6:04 PM
It’s been 1-2 hours that the sense of stillness-contentment is mostly gone and instead there is striving and induced mental restlessness. Because of the lack of sleep and overall tiredness, energy level has been low so it took a lot longer to start working. That and another cause have created striving for productivity and for using time more efficiently, clear hungry ghost pattern. I remind myself over and over that things should be done one by one, one small step each time, and I don’t have to do more than that, and it’s not reasonable to expect more than that.
There has been pain in the bones in parts of the body. Earlier flickering violet lights arose for a few minutes, it has been absent for a few days. Now the energetics in the right should blade are active.
Although these stories come to mind about the restlessness, but I don’t think they are the actual cause. First restlessness arises then those stories. I can feel the general restlessness independent of all those stories. It’s primal. I see that if I take the stories more seriously, other emotions can come out of that, worry, sadness, despair. It’s this primal dissatisfaction that is the root cause for all of them. On the other hand, it’s that contentment and primal satisfaction that is the root cause or basis for the “positive” qualities like equanimity/stillness, hope, joy etc.
Also none of those stories, concepts and ideas stay long enough in the mind. Not always, but often the moment I start examining them, they fall apart, and what remains is just the next half a second, next arising of sensations without anything coherent that could weave them together, but that felt sense is there when the concepts have fallen away.

7:23 PM
The restlessness has increased, and some uncomfortable sensations arise. A constriction has arisen in the throat, some throbbing in different parts, and constant worrying but without any specific story attached to it. It has a bodily restlessness component too. There was a feeling of dizziness or vertigo some minutes ago.
The restlessness causes frequent switching between activities, and that striving for productivity creates its opposite.
Today still there is a mild feeling of sickness with some symptoms present.

8:09 PM
There is discomfort in the throat and around the heart similar to an anxiety attack, and throbbing in different parts. Sadness in the face expression. Energetics along the spine. Flickering lights and colors. Visual mental activity that seems like images or conflict or fight, but without seeing actual images.
After writing previous sentence I got pulled into sleep and had a dream with colored marbles, distorted perceptions and images of clash/fight. That brief falling asleep seems reduced the anxious feelings.

8:49 PM
There is too much sleepiness. It causes panting, and losing balance when walking and pain in the whole body. It’s too intense to be because of sleep deprivation and it must be a state/stage thing.
There are energetic itches that feel like burning, also wetness feeling in the center of soles, with vibrations in the right shoulder blade.

10:00 PM
Worked for a few hours. Although there was too much discomfort that I didn’t have much productivity. I forced myself to continue but couldn’t continue anymore. Sleepiness and its discomforts in the body is the predominant experience.
Siavash ', modified 22 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, July 2, 2021, 2:54 PM

Since waking up there has been tension and pain in the jaw that also spreads those throat. I didn’t have difficulty getting up today and there is much less discomfort in the body compared to previous days, although the symptoms are there but overall fatigue has decreased. Last night before sleep I tried to practice for a few hours but it was mostly sleepiness. I focused on the pains in the right side of the torso, which I don’t know they are part of energetics or is a problem in the right lung. It immediately created intense energetics, and there were currents of energy along the spine and in the solar plexus. Also there was feelings like, fuck it, I suddenly forget words and how to phrase things…, it’s like you press tens of needles on the skin. Whatever.

4:33 PM
There is a primal dissatisfaction, or irritation, that it feels like something is wrong. I don’t know what it is that is wrong, but this sense seems to be continuously present. Although there is some equanimity with it so that I can function.

11:32 PM
Today it seems there is energy activity in the body and it wants to release. There have been strong energetic itches, and sometimes a sense of energy release in the head that forces the eyes to get closed. There is vibrating and flickering lights/shadows and colors, before the releases in head, bright swaths of white/yellow lights arise. Sometimes it looks like the visual scene is moving slightly. The building manager had arranged a meeting with all of the neighbors, I almost never participate in such things but today I did and that has made me very tired. Also there is sleepiness.
Fine-grained vibrations arise in the head and arms, itching and tingling in the perineum and pain and the base of spine, with this strong itching beside the navel that feels like burning.

Saturday, July 3, 2021, 4:06 PM

Last night it took 6 hours to fall asleep because I had difficulty with breathing. There was shortness of breath and I had to take deep in-breath, and I was at the edge of panic or freak out for some hours. First I thought maybe it’s related to health, but then noticed no, it’d the old friend, tension, at least mostly. I kept focusing on the experience, and moment by moment there was this sense that, I can’t stand it anymore and I should get up and walk.., but then I focused more and thought let’s continue for a few more seconds. After a few hours breath became less problematic, but the sleepiness was gone and energy had increased and there was strong sexual urges and feelings. There was a lot of energetics but I have forgotten the details. I think it was mostly fine-grained vibrations, coolness, and burning mixed with coldness.

8:27 PM
Today similar to last few days there was lots of dreams but I’ve forgotten all of it. Sleep was lighter for some time and awareness was present.
The mobile device stopped working again and I took it for service in the afternoon and that has made me very tired. The guy that had repaired it acted unprofessionally and didn’t accept to open it, and because it didn’t have guarantee, I couldn’t insist more. I took it to someone else, he was more honest and professional. It turned out that the first guy had not detected the problem, and this second one’s first diagnosis was wrong too, and after working on it for an hour, he found that its board has problem, but I didn’t have money for a new board. Although I insisted to pay him but he didn’t accept it and said since I haven’t fixed it I won’t accept any payment.
There is sadness and hopelessness after I came back, and there isn’t motivation for working, but I’ll start to see what happens. I don’t know if these feelings are related to the mobile device, but I guess maybe it’s partially because my time got wasted, although when I start thinking about it, it mostly dissolves or falls apart, and the concepts of good or bad become meaningless.
It’s always very frustrating for me when my time gets wasted because of someone else’s insanity and I have very little tolerance for it.

It seems to me that with occurrences like these, the key factor for having pleasant or unpleasant emotions is the hope. I think there are two components, one is the contentment with the current moment, and the other is the anticipation of a good future. Especially the anticipation of the future is what makes one to have hope or not, and when there is less hope for a good future, then there is unpleasant emotions. And the quality of the experience in the current moment affects the perception of future.
There is despair about working because I don’t have trust that I’ll be able to continue it for several hours. It’s like when thinking about it, the perception of its timeframe is like its beginning is clearer, but its ending is murky. That vague and murky mental images about the perception of time creates uncertainty, and as a result sadness and despair. That uncertainty gives the feeling that there is no firm ground to stand on. I don’t know how effective it would be, but probably I could try to imagine/visualize more defined and clear mental images for that perception of time.

I remembered it now that when I focused on my chest last night, it immediately caused energy currents to arise and move in the left side of the chest. Also a I remembered a scene from a dream that was about a cousin or maybe someone that looked like him.

Sunday, July 4, 2021, 1:25 AM

Had a lot of difficulty with working tonight. Several times I almost gave up and decided to go to bed but then forced myself to continue. I stopped after 4 hours because I didn’t have productivity and I kept falling asleep.

3:39 AM
Did some practice, focusing on the body. It was mostly just sleepiness. A few times distorted perception that I forgot what they were. Energetics were active for some minutes, activity at the base of spine. Earlier a few times there was sense of movement in the visual scene like the body and the space are not stable.
Siavash ', modified 21 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Sunday, July 4, 2021, 6:20 PM

Last night before going to bed there was strong urge to practice. I had focused on the whole body and whole sense field off-cushion. There was energetics in the right shoulder blade, some fine-grained vibrations, and tension in the abdomen and sides. Again I don’t remember the dreams.

Today there is a baseline of dissatisfaction, as if something is wrong. There have been strong urges, urge to practice, sexual urges, urge to go out for a walk that I did, and none of the things that I do seem to bring satisfaction. When practicing, there is this sense that there isn’t enough clarity, like the attention doesn’t penetrate sensations, or like the sensations are not experienced fully or closely enough. I am not sure about how to map different manifestations in my experience, but if I call those days with high clarity and quiet stillness and contentment mind-state “equanimity”, the one that I’ve had yesterday and today would be “non-equanimity”. I find that I can’t map my experience well to the PoI, especially the presence or absence of energetics. For instance for some days there was high stillness and equanimity, but at the same time energetics were very active, kind of like a mix of A&P and Equanimity. Although Daniel says somewhere that A&P could have that kind of manifestation, but I don’t know. I guess it could be ñ4.ñ11, but to have it constantly for several days,.. I don’t know.

7:14 PM
Flickering lights have arisen, violet and purple mixed with dark gray. It’s been some minutes that there is higher clarity and stillness noticed in external sights, and sometimes the attentions locks in on a visual or somatic object and the mental body image shrinks. The baseline irritation and dissatisfaction is there and it seems that there is underlying fear that causes it, as if something terrible is going to happen and there is worry and fear about it.
I remembered a vague scene from a dream that was with someone that probably was my ex-wife. When I woke up I wasn’t sure if it was her or not, and there was a new kind of story in the dream that I don’t remember having before.
Some blue has arisen in the color statics with the eyes closed, mixed with purple and green. Blue seems to arise only in certain states/stages.

Also it seems there is guilt. And the guilt becomes fuel for fear. It’s all about resonance and harmony I guess. It seems to me that this is what happens:

A set of sensations arises. The system looks in its repository, memory, to find what resonates with the arisen sensations. It finds that they resonate with how I felt when I had fear or guilt, so the tone of the experience becomes one of guilt or fear. Then in order to make it knowable, it looks for stories that could be attached to that emotional tone, for stories that could resonate with it, and it finds some, and then it feels that I have fear or guilt because of those stories. Resonance like two strings of a musical instrument resonate with each other.

Just some half-baked ideas.

Today an energetic has been active constantly in the lower right leg. There are fine-grained vibrations in the legs when focusing on them, also sexual feelings arise in most of the body but mostly the whole area below the waist.

Monday, July 5, 2021, 12:05 AM

Last few hours a few times there have been energetics that felt like energy releases, also sense of movement in the body and visual field. Now it’s been some minutes that some uncomfortable sensations have arisen. Tension in the abdomen, constriction in the throat, and discomfort in the chest and around the heart, with shortness of breath. There is a scratch on the left leg and each time I feel it, images come to mind of cutting the body with a knife or sword.
There is tension in other parts too, and there is this feeling of urgency, especially in the legs, if feel like these sensations start from a point then gradually increase, and when they reach the threshold, it becomes a panic attach and before reaching that threshold I have to do something, “take an action”. This was how it was in those years with anxiety attack. The crucial thing in not losing it, was to not take that action, and after I started to do that with the help of meditation, it gradually lost its power over me. Now it feels like that, though I go back to working, that is the action for now!
The movements in the field still happen, it’s subtle but it looked like this table is floating in the air for some seconds. In the body it feels like dizziness. The images of cutting causes discomfort in the body, like the disgust or aversion that happens immediately after an actual cutting. Today there has been other types of disgust too, like seeing and smelling unpleasant images/smells of human body while having sexual urges.

2:11 AM
Worked for over 5 hours, by forcing myself to continue again and again and again. Then a sit, around 30-40 minutes focused on the sensations in the mouth and lips, because of the discomfort that they cause related to smoking. There was strong energetics a few times, and some distorted perceptions but I forgot all of them. It became sleepy toward the end.
There is constriction in the throat, like something is stuck there. It’s one of the causes for feeling shortness of breath tonight.

3:41 AM
Another sit for 40 minutes with the same focus object. It was pretty much similar to the first sit. Both sits there was involuntary movements in the left leg and arm. There was more distorted perceptions in the second one. Now writing this, when I reached to the end of sentence, for a moment it became distorted, and the end of sentence seemed to be the end of a program that a person had done. 
Siavash ', modified 20 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, July 5, 2021, 4:44 PM

There were some dreams that felt good or different, but I can’t remember. I remembered after waking up and I was glad that I remember it but I’ve forgotten again.
All 3 times today that I woke up, I woke up with pain in teeth because of teeth clenching. It still happens. In bed I focused on my mouth and lips, and there were intense energetics. A vibration in left fingers was interesting. It felt like something is stuck to the fingers and is vibrating, exactly like a mobile device vibration, and my hand jumped up a few times to get rid of that, but it continued for a few seconds. Also there was pressure in the jaw that felt like a force is pushing the jaw to close, so I had kept the mouth open.
Today I notice more stillness and equanimity, and sometimes there is less motivation to move and continue what I am doing, and the body just stops. Oh, this typing feels good again.

8:30 PM
Today actions take place with much less thought about how and when should I do them. When I feel that I want to need to do it, the body just gets up and does the thing, andI was able to do 4-5 pending works in the house. That feels good. The experience is relatively equanimous. Although it’s not like that high stillness that slows down the movements, and I prefer to call it stillness attack, and contrary to that, movements have been relatively fast. Also there is some despair and frustration, but equanimity has been more predominant.
Earlier there was the dissatisfaction in the experience that felt like something needs to be removed, as if there is a little bit of dirt in your glasses and it should be removed so that you see clearly. It was like something subtle is out of harmony, and if it change, then there will be harmony, alignment, clarity, evenness. I can’t describe it better than this. Now that I write this, it arises again.
I am not sure, but I guess I had a dream about Culadasa today. The previous time that I got the impression of having a dream about him today, it felt like he has just died or he is going to die soon.
This sense arises now again that it looks like the body is very small, like all of the other objects in the space, and this imagined hand, that I don’t know if I could call it a hand or my hand, but it seems like I can take this body with my hand, and have it in the palm of the left hand.

Tuesday, July 6, 2021, 2:02 AM

It’s been a few hours that there are insect crawling sensations on and under the skin. Also lots of itches. A few times there was upward movements of sensations in the lower back, but not that energy current in the spine, it was soft vibratory sensations that filled the entirety of that region while moving up. A few minutes ago there was a brief activation of energy, and heat arose in the left thigh. Now there is vibration in fingers.

2:22 AM
It seems today these numbers like to have fun! : )
Earlier a few times there was sense of movement in the body and space and now it arises again and more frequently. Like the visual scene moves an inch to the right and then returns back to its previous place, or it moves up and down. It’s not very clear, but it’s noticeable. Also sleepiness has arisen, and I guess sleepiness makes these movements to occur more. There is a feeling of dizziness with it too.
Today I started working late and that caused some frustration. But then I had a lot of difficulty engaging with the work and I had to change the start time in my log a few times because I wasn’t able to work. I forced myself to continue for over 3 hours and that was all I could do today.

3:15 AM
These energetics have increased. Throbbing in different parts, constriction in the throat and discomfort around the heart similar to anxiety attack, and itches and vibrations in the whole body.
Also there has been feeling of cold water wetness in the left side of the body.

6:29 AM
Did a sit for over an hour, focused on the body. There were mental talks that were clearer than usual mental talks and closer to external sounds. Today I had listened to an interview, and in the beginning of the sit I heard that guy talking in the mind. Later there were talks that I guess were with my mother and sisters’ voice, and they said my name. In one instance I almost opened my eyes because it felt like an actual voice. There were lots of uncomfortable itches and sensations like a mosquito is on the skin. There was an actual mosquito too that bit a few places, and I didn’t know which sensations is energetic and which is the mosquito, though most of them were energetics. Some other energetics in the perineum and lower back. Also painful tickling in the left sole and left side of the chest above the heart, and painful vibrations in the left long toe. Some distorted perceptions and later sleepiness.
Siavash ', modified 19 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Tuesday, July 6, 2021, 7:16 PM

Today high temperature in the body with constant sweating.
Last 2-3 days that sickness symptoms were mostly gone, today I had them for the first few hours after waking up.

9:17 PM
This body temperature is interesting. It’s very hot these days, it’s been 41-43 C during the day, and now at night it’s still 37 C. And there is shortage of water and electricity power in the country after the onset of hot season, so they cut the electricity each day for a few hours. But interestingly enough, yesterday afternoon while it was 43 with no electricity and cooler, it didn’t feel hot to me, but now with the cooler running, my head is sweating nonstop and I feel that it’s radiating heat.
The energetics in the right shoulder blade are active again. Last night body was filled with insect crawling feelings on and under the skin, today it is gone. Also there is less itching.

Wednesday, July 7, 2021, 12:17 AM

After doing some work in the house and going out for shopping, I became very tired, so I went to bed for an hour and tried to rest and practice. I became sleepy and for part of I was bothered by a mosquito. Now I could finally find that mosquito and take back my blood.
There is lack of motivation, purpose and meaning. When I think about purpose and meaning, concepts just fall apart. It’s just some arisings in the space. Just little movements in the sense field that the moment I try to catch them, they are gone. Both the questions and answers become irrelevant. Yeah, that’s not the whole story because I have to pay my rent a few days later.

There is some disenchantment and despair and the question that what is hope. Why sometimes there is hope but sometimes not. I guess anticipation of being satisfied creates hope, and anticipation of uncertainty and dissatisfaction, or anticipation of meaninglessness and purposelessness, or anticipation of not knowing who or what I will be or not knowing how I will be in people’s eyes create hopelessness.

1:34 AM
There is some stillness in the experience that the body prefers to stay still and not move, and when focusing, there is spaciousness. There is discomfort in the body similar to how it becomes after a full vomit, and I don’t know what has caused it. Less energy and strength with discomfort in the throat and stomach and feeling like I am about to vomit.
I remembered a scene from the dreams of last nights. There was a dog in the house, and when I looked at it, I saw it’s a big male lion, but both of us were calm.

5:39 PM
Didn’t work last night. Experience was too uncomfortable and I went to bed, but tried to stay aware and keep practicing. There were lots of distorted perceptions about the body. One that I remember was that when an energetic arose and started spreading, my perception of it was that this is an energy that is spreading to several people’s bodies, that I guess some of them were DhO members, and I had this thought in mind that how are they going to handle it, but then as if I woke up, I came back to the usual perception and noticed that no, this is my body and this is happening in the body.
I set intention to remember the dreams and I remembered a number of them that were in the early part of bed time. Almost all of them were with the family. Today again there was strong sexual feelings after waking up. High temperature in the body and sweating in the head. And there is fatigue in the body.
Earlier in bed energetics were very intense. Some of them looked different, I guess it was because they had a electricity shock flavor to them.

I’ve never been a saver in regard to money. Last night it came to mind to try to save a little bit each month. Another idea came now, and it would make it possible if I could do it, that some days after finishing that day’s work, I work a little more, an hour or half an hour, and record those extra works, and put their income in a different bank account.

7:01 PM
I need to.., I have difficulty finding what word should I put there because any word that I think of, immediately I get this impression: “how much control do you have to say such a thing, how much of it you can make to happen..”. But I need to let actions take place without thinking, when they want to happen that way. It’s so much better when I do something without having much thoughts about it. There was an urge to take a shower, and I just got up and did it, and that’s good. But the usual way is that I start thinking, should I do it and when… , it becomes a problem. The other thing that happens more recently is that when I start thinking, the concepts falls apart, or more accurately, it doesn’t begin to form, so the result is non-doing. 
Siavash ', modified 18 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, July 7, 2021, 11:22 PM

Started to work, and after that lots of discomfort has arisen. Constriction in the throat and discomfort in the chest and trachea, similar to the feeling after a vomit mixed with feeling go an anxiety attack. Also pain and fatigue in the body with lack of energy and strength.
Earlier a few times there was brief sense of stillness plus contentment, and once maybe joy, only for 10-20 seconds.

11:55 PM
The pain and discomforts in the body have increased, it feels like a sickness, and the sweating has stopped and I felt cold so I had to turn off the cooler. There was this recognition that awareness doesn’t get sick, awareness doesn’t have pain, awareness isn’t right or wrong.
But then I thought, but what is it that has pain or joy if awareness doesn’t have pain or joy.

Thursday, July 8, 2021, 1:42 AM

Worked for over 4 hours. It went on slowly because I had difficulty breaking down things into smaller pieces.
There was a few minutes of lights flickering, violet and blue, very bright. And a pressure in the nose comes and goes, with a sense of movement in the body and space. These make me think that maybe these discomforts and feeling of sickness is related to energetics.

3:51 AM
Did a short sit focused on the body. After a minute of focusing the energy became very active that felt like the energy is twisting the lower back and left leg from the inside, then there was an energy release in the head that caused the eyes to close, and there was a bright yellow light with it. Then I was interrupted by a mosquito and I ended the sit to find the mosquito. A longer sit later, open awareness noticing whatever that arises. Early part of it body was very uncomfortable with a restlessness in the legs that I had difficulty sitting and I wanted to go lie down, but I continued and after some minutes the restlessness decreased. It became sleepy later.
I am not satisfied with practice in recent days. I need to take it more seriously.
The discomforts have developed into a full blown sickness with pain in the tissues and bones almost everywhere, but after the sit, emotionally it feels okay, and when emotionally it feels okay, bodily pain doesn’t matter much. It bothers when I start worrying about what is it and what will happen, otherwise it’s okay.
I’ve started noting with Shinzen’s style to maintain mindfulness.
Siavash ', modified 17 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Thursday, July 8, 2021, 7:01 PM

Set an intention to remember the dreams last night, I remembered one or a few of them, one of them felt important and wanted to write it but didn’t, and later I forgot it.
Today the body has less discomfort than yesterday. It’s interesting, there is still pain in arms and legs, but there isn’t any sensations related to sickness in the head, so it doesn’t feel like sickness, and feel like tiredness. I wonder how much of this world we live in is formed by these little sensations in the head and face!

Friday, July 9, 2021, 12:52 AM

Worked for 5-6 hours. It went on slowly and there was the urge to stop a few times but I continued. My rental contract for this apartment has ended, so it should be renewed which means a big increase in the amount of rent, or I should find another place which is much worse. Today I checked the sites about the average rent for a place like here, and the numbers were just insane. It brought frustration and despair. But after some time I started thinking about what just happened. I was in a certain mind-state, then I checked a few sites and saw some numbers, meaning a number of visual sensations, and then I shifted into another mind-state which was much more unpleasant. Those numbers are not news to me, I already knew it, so why should it look this much shocking and unpleasant. Just recognizing that reduced some of the unpleasantness. The other side of it is that if I work a little more, a lot of these worries will become irrelevant, so what is it that preventing me from doing that?
This reminds me of what Hokai said in response to a question about despair, that he said: “Don’t let it set the terms…Cultivate enjoyment…”. I think this is very important, and having this mindset makes it possible to change the situation.
I tried to motivate myself and bring to mind the good outcomes that can come out of working more, so a little later there was the urge to start working, so I started earlier today. Although it went on slowly and urges to stop, but after 5-6 hours, there was the urge to continue more, but I decided to stop and leave the rest of it for tomorrow. Keeping balance is the main factor for me at this time.

Today there isn’t that sickness feeling in the head but the pain and fatigue in the body has persisted. It’s a few hours that there is pain in fingers and toes with crushing flavor which should be energetic. A few times there was activation of energetics, throbbing, spread of fine-grained vibrations in the arms, legs and head, that felt like it’s like a rope tied around the arm or leg, a rope made of these vibrations tiny sensations.
There is some relief because finally I am able to finish my current task. This task was such a painful one, it was big, complex and with challenges that were kind of new in the project, and I didn’t have that much mental capacity to work fast, and I had started its main work when its deadline was already passed, so there was feeling of guilt all the time that I worked on it for more than a month.
And I have to remind myself again and again that it’s okay to rest, I don’t have to feel guilty about not working after finishing my work! There is this background thread in the mind that always keeps looking, to find what’s wrong, to find something to feel guilty about. And I don’t have to feel guilty about this background thread either.

2:24 AM
The night before last night that I remembered some of its dreams, there was a dream with my sister, then I woke up and noticed the experience that I had was a dream, but then I noticed the room is different, and it seems one of family members is in the room. I tried to check it to see if it’s a dream or not, I checked the images of the room and they were different, but it felt like I am awake. There was a few times back of forth between thinking that I am asleep or I am awake, that at one point the perception of the room and its images returned to how it actually is.

3:51 AM
Did a sit for over an hour focused on the touch sensations of my palms on my tights, also the whole hands and legs. There was shortness of breath in the beginning for some minutes. Several times there was activation of the energy, and 2-3 times there was energy release in the head with eyes closing and bright lights. A few times if felt like the energy wants to have a big whole body release. There was an energetic in the feet that was kind of new. It was a mix of that pain there with tickling flavor, mixed with the feeling of coldness and heat that cause feeling of burning, with vibrations. But it mainly felt like an uncomfortable hot vibrations that spread from the tip of the long toe to the foot. For some minutes there was mildly pleasant coolness and tingling in parts of the body. There were some distorted perceptions, and the later part become pretty sleepy with almost falling asleep.
Now the pain in the bones of hands and fingers has increased, with overall pain and fatigue in the whole body, but there is a sense of contentment and relief that occasionally leans toward joy for few seconds.
I wanted to do another sit, but it’s better to go to bed.

-- Edit:
I almost always feel agency in my hands, but sometimes that agency decreases. It has happened a number of times yesterday and today, each time for some seconds ti minutes, that it feels/looks like I am perceiving this body from a small point behind my head, and there is much less agency in the body. It's like another object in the room, only that it has somatic sensations. There was that sense for a few minutes now.
Siavash ', modified 16 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Friday, July 9, 2021, 6:55 PM

Today less discomfort than yesterday except for an hour after waking up with fatigue. There have been flickering bright lights several times, violet and blue, very bright.

Saturday, July 10, 2021, 12:12 AM

Worked for 3-4 hours today. I was very tired and didn’t want to work, also because it’s weekend, and I could get this much out of it by pushing again and again. There is some burning/stinging in the throat/trachea and right side of the back today that causes worry.
There has been an urge today to do something to have enjoyment, but nothing I could find that would attract.
It has become part of how of do things, that before doing that thing, whatever that is, there is a narration of it about how it will happen in the next few minutes, and also in relation to the bigger scale of that thing. This narration manifests as any combination of mental images and mental talks mixed with their somatic components, but mental images occur more. At times like today that there is difficulty with working, what happens is that I have difficulty forming that narration so it feels like I can’t do it or don’t know how to do it. When I remember to let go of the narration and just let the body-mind do what they already know, then it becomes much easier. Like when typing a password that I use frequently, my fingers already know how to type it, and I don’t need that narration to say the password in the head first and then type it. The funny thing is, often it’s more reliable without that narration. Even though it feels like that narration helps with precision and accuracy, but I don’t think that’s always the case.

2:32 AM
Did a sit, focused on that part of the experience that felt good. There was shortness of breath in the beginning. There was that wavy sensations for a few minutes, that feel like the body is getting pulled in different directions, or another one like I just landed on the ground, and a similar feeling horizontally with the pillow that I use as back support. Also in the beginning a pain arose in the right side of the back that was new. It arose a few more times then went away. There was relaxation in the body and later sleepiness arose. Some energy currents in the base of spine and solar plexus with throbbing and brief coolness. Some distorted perceptions that I almost was present during the shift between ordinary perception and distorted one. Of course I forgot all of it quickly.
I should do this more on and off cushion, the pay attention to what feels good, without trying to make the object or the feeling very clear.
These two days there are bright dots. Mostly white, some blue or violet.
Usually in bed there is an energetic in the inner side of the knees, a painful throbbing which usually is intense. Last several hours it arises off-cushion with high intensity.
Now there is sleepiness with soreness in the whole body, with black dots in the visual field. This combinations seems to be a state/stage thing. 
Siavash ', modified 15 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, July 10, 2021, 5:38 PM

Today that fatigue and feeling of sickness is almost gone. The energetics in the shoulder blades have been active and there is this feeling in the arms, and sometimes legs maybe?, that is like they body is in a state of weakness, and in that state you do some workout. A kind of stiffness and tiredness/weakness. Probably it’s related to these energetics in the shoulder blades but I can’t know.
I have to go out a little later and there is shakiness in the body because of that. After I stopped taking propranolol, I get this shakiness a lot before going out.

9:19 PM
Today coldness and feeling of wetness by cold water arises in the sacrum sometimes.
Following the intention last night to notice the more comfortable, enjoyable parts of the experience, today there have been more noticing of beauty or maybe pleasure or enjoyment (?) in sensations. I am not sure to call it vedana. When tuning to it, I notice that a big portion of sensations have this quality that makes them look and feel good or beautiful.

It happens sometimes that when listening to something, I lose interest in the content and afterward, I hear it but I don’t understand much or all of it. It happened today while listening to something, and I noticed that what happens is that I hear each of the words and recognize or understand them, but I don’t remember what has been said before, so I don’t understand the sentence. Which made it clear that in order to understand something, part of the bandwidth of attention must be used to keep the memory of previous content, and put the new content in that context in order to extract meaning, and part of it also is the anticipation, that in order to keep that context, mind anticipates what will be the next content. That’s why sometimes when reading a text, I read a word mistakenly, or don’t notice typos, because the anticipation suggests a different mental talk or image that replaces the external content.
Probably this is why in the school usually I wouldn’t learn the subject from the teacher teaching it in the class. I had to go read it myself later or before the teacher teach it. I guess there was a lack of remembering the content, so I wouldn’t be able to form a proper context to put the new content in it and understand it properly. Part of it could be because I had too much worry that what would happen if the teacher call my name, because there were a few teachers that I liked them and I could learn in the class what they taught.

10:23 PM
A few minutes ago these fine-grained soft vibrations or tingling arose in the left side of the pelvis and spread to the left side of the body. This has happened a number of times before with this quality, and every time it feels good, also there is a kind of strangeness or subtle excitement with it, like waiting to see how it will manifest in the next moment. It went away in less than a minute.
The sensations in the shoulder blades and arms are still the way it was earlier today.
There are other energetics in the base of spine, sacrum and hips, mostly neutral or slightly pleasant.

Sunday, July 11, 2021, 12:08 AM

There has been an increase in the perceived beauty and/or joyfulness of sensations in the last hour. My typing speed has increased, and it feels much more pleasant to type. And it was going pretty slow and hard while working, but after the typing became pleasant, working became easier and faster.
Those soft fine-grained vibrations keep arising and passing, mostly in the left side of the body, although less intense that the first one.

2:22 AM
Worked for 4-5 hours. It became more productive after the speed increased and it made it possible to finish the current task tonight. Though the body became pretty tired.

4:05 AM
Did a sit, focused on the whole body and space with the intention to notice the beauty or satisfactoriness of sensations. There were some mental talks with other voices. Today I had listened to an interview and there were mental talks with that guy’s voice. And one or more with my mother’s voice. Later distractions increased and then it became sleepy. Now there is sleepiness with soreness in the whole body, it should be related to states/stages or energetics, because the intensity of discomforts is high. Part of the right side of the body feels like it’s numb.
There were some painful energetics, that two of them were quite intense. One in the right big toe, flavor of burning with heat and coldness at the same time, with stinging, then another one in the center of right sole with tickling flavor.
The sensations in the sacrum that had a pleasant coldness flavor today, seems to have changed to the pain with glassdust-inside-the-tissue flavor.
Earlier there were pleasant vibrations in the left side of the body, now there are uncomfortable ones in the right side.
george, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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You're very detailed and aware with what's happening maybe you need to dispel mind now. Describing what each sensation is doing with words like "hot" "cold" "fully"  "pleasant" "unpleasant" is limiting. It's a sensation and then there's another sensation. Etc. lots of metta to you siavash take as a grain of salt.
Siavash ', modified 15 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Hey george,

Yes, that's a good reminder.
I do do-nothing-just-be kind of noticing though, but there is nothing to write about that. It manifests as sensations!

It's sensations all the way down emoticon

​​​​​​​Cheers emoticon
george, modified 15 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Glad you were reminded.
Siavash ', modified 14 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, July 11, 2021, 6:11 AM

Did another sit before going to bed, focused on the body and silence+stillness. It was mostly sleepiness, and if there was anything else, I don’t remember it.

7:15 AM
Sleepiness is mostly gone and there is increased energetic activity in the lower and upper back. Bright and black dots arise more frequently. Like earlier today, this sense arises that visual objects are cartoonish, and small maybe. The external images of the body look small too.

10:25 PM
There were some strange dreams today. In the first one I was with some family members and a woman that I only know online and we were painting with blue pens. Then I went to bathroom, there were a few bathrooms with a big room in front of them, and all were filled with water. It almost reached the ceiling. I threw washing powder to one of the bathrooms, the powder moved through the water like a bullet and reached the bathroom, then water started going down, but the last piece of it went down into the ground in the outer space, then the ground opened up and there was a big deep space under it with no way to walk inside, like a big cave. A young boy, 6-7 years old, came and went inside to that underground space, and he disappeared, and only a shadow remained from him on the wall, like a graffiti on the wall. Then a guy came in, a stranger that I had seen him a few weeks ago on an occasion, he wanted to go inside. He said look, there is snow here, and then walked inside. I knew that he will fall down, so I walked too, and since I knew I could fly, I grabbed his wrist and walked into the air while holding him. It became very vivid. The inside was very spacious and beautiful with strange icicle-looking forms everywhere. That kid seemed to be inside and still alive. There was smell of wet plaster in the air, ground was covered by pristine snow and walls were covered by wet plaster. I became excited, and I realized that this is a dream in another realm, and I woke up in the dream. I noticed that I’ve started singing involuntarily with a loud voice and the voice was echoing in that big space. I still thought that those people are in the other room in the house, so I got worried that they’ll hear me singing, so I tried to control the volume. But then I noticed I am waking up. I resisted it and tried to stay in that space, but I gradually came out of it into the actual room and bed in about a second I guess.

Monday, July 12, 2021, 2:02 AM

There is some confusion and uncertainty about what, why and how to practice. Practice techniques don't attract, I guess because there is less interest in the practice itself. Also there are these questions of, why should I practice, why shouldn’t I practice, and I don’t have clear answer for any of them. I sat for half an hour and focused on the body and color statics, but it got boring. Although sitting with eyes open and focusing on the space is okay, so I guess I’ll do that more.
There is feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. I guess it’s because of my next task in my work. It’s a small task but of a kind that I don’t like.

3:33 AM
Decided to sit and investigate boredom if it arises. I interrupted the sit a few times to check something, then I noticed that I just do it to not continue the sit. So I intended to sit and not interrupt it no matter what. There were some intense energetics in the beginning. Then a sense of movement in the body for a few moments that felt like parts of the body are being pulled to the right and parts of it to the left. There was stillness and relaxation in the body, but attention didn’t become stable for long periods. Some mental talks kept distracting. There were some painful energetics and vibrations. Then some pleasant ones, and the soft fine-grained vibrations kept coming and going, like the rest of the day. It feels like that part of the body is dissolving. Later sleepiness arose.
Today worked less to have some rest.
Siavash ', modified 13 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Monday, July 12, 2021, 5:09 AM

Did another sit before going to bed. For part of it attention became clearer than usual. Later it became sleepy. Now wetness feeling arises in part of the body.

5:47 AM
I focused on the body for a few minutes off-cushion after the sit, then intended to notice arising and passing of sounds and mental talks from silence. It has made arising and passing of all sensations clearer. There is heightened stillness and the body moves slowly. There is higher clarity and stability in the attention.

7:37 PM
Today there were many dreams. I don’t know if it was because of the practice that I did before and in the bed. I had focused on the mental talk space, noticing arising of mental talks. This city is said to have a big earthquake that it can happen any time. In one dream I went to another city and was in a school yard and an earthquake came. I was glad that instead of this city, it happened there, and that I was in an open space, and at the same time I felt ashamed to have that feeling. Then I started helping the people that were injured by doing digging the ground with a few other people. It was silly. In another one a company that I had worked in in the past, had invited me and other colleagues for a gathering. But they said me to wait outside. All the people that I knew, came and went inside, but they said to me to just wait. One of those who came was someone that I haven’t seen for over 10 years and it felt good to see him again as if I am seeing him in wakefulness. It became very unpleasant after a while waiting outside. Feeling excluded and not knowing why, while my expectation was the opposite of that. It seemed that the experience became too unpleasant there and I fell asleep. Next scene I woke up in a bed, and I found out that one full day has passed and I was asleep. Or maybe this was part of another dream. There were many other dreams with friends and family, that I didn’t try to remember.

Tuesday, July 13, 2021, 12:10 AM

I’ve been blocked and waiting for a resource in my work, and today since my colleague was busy, I didn’t push him and decided to take today off. I wanted to either rest or do more practice, but so far time has passed and I haven’t done much. There is still that uncertainty about what to practice, because there is a subtle but pervasive restlessness, that makes me to switch activities and not stay still. Although yesterday and today the outer temperature is lower than previous days, but the body is radiating heat with nonstop sweating in the head.

3:36 AM
Tonight I wanted to rest and practice but it turned into a self-torture. There has been restlessness and distractedness, because of this hungry ghost mentality of wanting to use time more efficiently, guilt because of not doing something more useful, and worry because tomorrow I have to work! I did a short sit then some open eyed and informal practice, noticing the exact arising of sensations, but the restlessness didn’t let me continue. I tried a few more times to sit and practice but ended it quickly. There have been some energetics, energy releases in the head, and pain in the fingers and toes, with bright blue dots.

4:48 AM
Did a sit focused on the legs. There were energetics in most of the body. In the beginning there were some painful ones in right toes that were intense, with flavor of burning with heat and coldness mixed with stinging and cutting. Painful itches for some minutes, and tickling pain in throat center. Some strong itches in the perineum and lower back and vibrations in lower back. Sense of movements in the body and space and a feeling like the energy is twisting the left body especially left leg from the inside. There was less distractions compared to previous hours and concentration got better for part of it. Then sleepiness.
Now there is some energetics in the lower back with this crushing-flavored pain in the toes.
I continue to practice off-cushion, though it feels dissatisfactory. 
Siavash ', modified 11 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, July 14, 2021, 12:21 AM

In the evening I got tired so I lied down and started practicing there. Lots of painful energetics, mostly throbbing with a painful tickling, also crushing-flavored pain in the toes. There was going in and out of sleep and dream, and some awareness was present. Before getting up there was a dream with two friends, and toward the end it became more vivid with some beautiful scenery in the nature. Trees and grass with some snow that was surprising for us to have snow there. Before getting up the feeling in the sacrum and base of spine changed to the glassdust-flavored-pain and it still feels like that, also upper along the spine.
These few days there has been feeling of itching and insect crawling in the left arm especially left elbow. Once in bed it increased, then an intense throbbing started in parts of the arm, and it felt that the energy is turning and twisting the arm from the inside. It had some strong feelings for a little while, when it subsided I noticed it has been tightened to the point that most of it is not on the ground and because of contraction has moved upward.
There is still harsh throbbing in the legs, left leg more with some vibrations. It’s like something inside the tissues is trapped and hits itself to the walls to come out.

1:44 AM
While listening to Jessica Graham, I got this idea from her to have a program of 30 days of noticing pleasure. And since I always forget such things, I set a notebook for it to have a one line report for it every day there.
I’ll try to maintain this as one of my practices for 30 days, to tune into what’s beautiful, restful and enjoyable in the experience.

11:01 PM
I think I found it why is that the body temperature seems very high with constant sweating. It was so obvious that I had not noticed it. Old habits, resisting the change. There is some other discomforts in the body because of that too, also less sharpness in the mind. Yesterday and today I haven’t been able to gather my mind and sit for working. There is distractedness because of ending previous task and starting new ones. Also the body feels crushed and tired.

Thursday, July 15, 2021, 3:32 PM

I went to bed earlier last night since I couldn’t sit or work. There were some intense insect-crawling sensations inside the right hand, in the left hip and in the head. I thought maybe it’s a mosquito, but when it happened again I noticed it’s energetics. Like a vibrating object is stuck to the hand.
Woke up with an unpleasant dream with fear theme. First part of it was water leakage, but this time it was different. It wasn’t in my apartment. A new neighbor had came to the building and it was in their unit, but I and another guy (that died a few years ago in previous building) were building managers and I had to fix it. After fixing it I left that building and went out walking. It became dark and I found myself in a neighborhood that was similar to some of old neighborhoods that were in my hometown (They are being destroyed and reconstructed now), that were full of drug addict and problematic people, with an abandoned cemetery in them. It’s an ancient city and it seems that in the old structure, each part of it had its own cemetery. In the dream I started running, but I couldn’t find the way and had a kind of vertigo. Then I noticed someone is behind me, and a dog is after me. The dog was barking ferociously, and I started doing the same to scare it. I was using all my voice to make scary sounds, but the dog that I couldn’t see it, didn’t stop. Then I was on something like a chariot that was moving forward, I was on my back and trying to get up, but the body was numb and I couldn’t. I woke up and noticed my arms are numb, and the space of murk was merged with the space of room for a minute, and there were vibrating shadows and lights in it.
I don’t know why I repeatedly have scary dreams with a dog in it. In childhood once in out family village I was chased by a dog. But I am not sure if it was only that time or a few other times it had happened too. I don’t remember how old I was. And it would be scary to go to that neighborhoods at night in childhood alone, because I had to do that sometimes.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, July 16, 2021, 3:56 AM

I remembered it now that I had a dream last night, there was this idea in it that there is so much repetition and it’s such a waste and it’s pointless and useless. I am not sure it was about repetitive thoughts or actions, but there was this perception that there are many selves that are just a copy of the other one, or many people that are like a repetition of another one, like a machine. There was these images in the mind, I don’t remember it was as a thought or dream, that it was a big saloon, partitioned into many rooms or boxes similar to each other, and there was a guy that was walking between these rooms, but there were many other copies of that guy. Like tens of guys with the same forms were walking there with same movements. There was a heavy feeling after I woke up from it, and I thought, is it actually a thing, or in real experience it’s not like that? Then it came to mind that addictions are like that. You do an unhelpful things many times in a repetitive way, and it’s wasteful.

5:17 AM
A sit focused on the restful sensations in the body for 80-90 minutes. There was no sleepiness. Energetics became intense for a while, and also there were some mildly pleasant sensations, coolness and tingling.

Saturday, July 17, 2021, 12:26 AM

These 3 days I’ve noticed some change regarding habits and urges. Certain habits I’ve been doing for many years, that these few years I’ve had intentions hundreds of times to do differently, but often the urge would do its job, but specially yesterday and today I’ve noticed difference, and that gives some freedom and hope. That big fear seems to be losing its grasp on the system.
It’s a few hours that there is feeling of coldness and wetness with the energetics in the body.

12:51 AM
I see that these urges are fixated or formed or frozen into views, self-views or world-views or whatever. In a way that they define what is right and what is wrong. I’d always see it as: there are urges and actions in order to protect something. But I thing I can see it this way: All manifestations are there in order to protect that urge. It doesn’t sound reasonable to say protect the urge, but I guess there is something there. Like what Ken talks about patterns and mechanicality. The urge and the way it gets satisfied, create a compound, and survival of this compound creates other manifestations. Some nonsense about what was sensed.

Okay. The urges dictates: this is how you should be, and how you will be, this is how the world should and will be, and this is how others should and will be. The view. And it decorates itself as if “This is the way things are” so that you can’t/don’t dissect it, approach it and untangle it.

4:27 AM
Worked for a few hours. It was a fight between urges. One group of them urges to do things, another group urging to not-do things, and among this fight, I notice breezes of dissatisfaction and satisfaction injected into the system. It feels like an injection really, that a volume of sensations start filling part of space and give a sense of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. It becomes clearer that I notice this satisfaction mostly in the upper body, needs more observation though.
There is sporadic periods of silence+stillness too. When there is one of these urge fights going on, after a little while system gets tired or detached, and gets pulled into stillness.

6:10 AM
A sit focused on the restful qualities in the experience, relaxation silence stillness. Like yesterday and earlier today some soft fine-grained vibrations in the left side of the body that feels like dissolving. There were some painful energetics in the right side of the body, mostly in tendons feeling like a sharp object is stuck inside it. In the beginning energetics had that pleasant coldness feelings, ice water touch flavor. A mosquito kept bothering me didn’t let the concentration to deepen.
George S, modified 9 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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For me urges are symptomatic of some underlying emotion that is not being experienced clearly and "wants" to be felt. The urge is saying something like 'do this and then you will get to experience the emotion'. But it's never a satisfactory experience of the emotion, because there's not enough awareness of the emotion (and there can also be guilt/shame around succumbing to the urge). And so it becomes a repetitive "hungry ghost" pattern, which never quite satisfies and takes on a life of its own.
Siavash ', modified 9 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Hey George,

I see it more or less the same way, but it's interesting that you put the experience of emotion after the fulfillment of the urge.
To me it seems to be like: There is an underlying emotion, for the lack of a better term, it creates a discomfort in the system, and then forms into an urge and manifests as an urge, with this intention with it that if you fulfill me, the discomfort will go away and you will be whole again and will be satisfied, though there isn't lasting satisfaction with that urge.
Today for some minutes there was clear experience of that, that with the urge, there was this feeling of becoming whole if I fulfill it, but then after cultivating equanimity with it, the body-mind would get pulled into stillness and contentment, that felt like it's already whole.
George S, modified 8 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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That's pretty much the same way it is for me - the blocked emotion creates discomfort which fuels the urge (to have an unsatisfactory partial experience of the emotion), but if I can have a clear equanimous experience of the emotion then the urge goes away because it is no longer needed. That's basically the purpose of realms/elements practice - to intentionally trigger the urge in meditation, with the aim of having a full experience of the emotion which erodes the reactive pattern. Gendlin's focusing does a similar thing as well, by focusing on the area of discomfort and releasing it.
Siavash ', modified 8 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Yes, about the realms/elements framework and practices.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, July 17, 2021, 8:05 PM

Today shortly after waking up these soft fine-grained vibrations have started arising and filling parts of the body. In the last hour or two it has taken a goosbumpy quality. It would be good if the dictionary engine of this editor was not smart, or if it was really smart. Also there is stillness. And there is a dynamic between the urges and the stillness. Any moment that there is a letting go of an urge, I notice that the body-mind gets quiet and gets pulled into stillness. It’s like the urge says that you are not whole without me, but when letting it go, the system manifests stillness and shows to itself that it’s already whole.

Sunday, July 18, 2021, 1:34 AM

There has been a tender stillness. I listened to some of my old favorite musics, it bought tears and joy and lots of soft goosbumpy vibrations. Also there is too much sexual energy in the system that has turned into pure pain. I try to not feed it with thoughts and intentions.
And sometimes there is too much pain and discomfort in the body that challenges any intention. It makes it difficult to sit or walk or breathe.
Actually it was music that kept me in some tranquility. After I stopped the music, the pain came to the foreground. Music always has this effect.

2:21 AM
Wow. It has started raining emoticon .
… Watched it for some minutes. It’s life. It’s creation. It brought laughter. I needed a rain for quite a while.
Back to basics. Earth, water, fire.

5:49 AM
A sit for over an hour, focused on the restful and pleasant qualities of the experience. There was too much pain and discomfort because of the reduction of the numbing factors, that it kept distracting me for a while, then the system became more relaxed and pain subsided. Body started rocking very gently, though I wasn’t sure it’s actually moving or it’s just the feeling of rocking. Brief spreads of coolness/breeze over the face, and some mildly pleasant soft vibrations, mostly in the left body that felt like the energy is turning and twisting the body from the inside. Then the main energy current became active at the base of spine and tendons and lower abdomen below the navel. There was spread of insect crawling sensations in the left arm that later spread to the left shoulder and around it, and there was a strong pain in the left lower arm. Mild pleasant tingling increased in the hands and legs. Then there was a rise of energy from the base of spine a few inches, with painful tickling flavor that was very intense and made the body to jump. Now the body feels much more comfortable than before.
Siavash ', modified 6 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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 Sunday, July 18, 2021, 11:26 PM

The body is pretty miserable. I don’t know it’s only because of external changes or part of it is energetics. Though energetics become much more intense with that change. I am very well familiar with the process since I’ve experienced it a number of times before, but still sometimes it becomes too much and unexpected. Last night I couldn’t work, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to work tonight.
There is a set of feelings in the body today that is somewhat new. I had it last few days to some extent too, but I don’t remember having it in the past. There is shakiness in the body, with a feeling in the whole body with sexual flavor, that feels like the sensations move in the whole body and want to get released in the face. There is that sense of release in genitals too, but the main one is in the face. It always happen in meditation that there is energy release in the head with a unique feeling in the face and nose, that is similar to being at the edge of sneeze. I had that feeling in the face long before meditation, but it would happen maybe once in weeks to months. Today it’s there in the background a lot of times and sometimes comes to the foreground.

Monday, July 19, 2021, 6:10 PM

Last night the body became too uncomfortable that I couldn’t sit anymore and went to bed. For 30-40 minutes there were painful energetics that were intense, so I tried to not pay attention because a few seconds of stable attention would bring a lot of pain. Then the pain subsided and after testing it a few times, I noticed it looks safe so started practicing. It was mostly fine-grained vibrations after that and coolness that I felt cold. Also some insect crawling sensations. There were many dreams that I forgot most of them. In one of them there was movement, there was a group of tourists beside the river in my hometown that looked like are Russians, I jumped over something but I noticed I stayed in the air and moved a long distance and I could land wherever I wanted like a bird, it was enjoyable and I did it for a while. Also there was that dream that repeats a lot recently, that my old friend M that we don’t talk anymore was there and we started talking. Some dreams with family that I don’t remember the content.

Today I made some food, after more than a week of not eating well. I’ve decided to change how I structure my day, one item of it is to do something after waking up while the body is still in great discomfort. So yesterday I went shopping a little after waking up, and today I made food. Both times the body had a crash after that, but that’s okay.
For a while in bed, don’t know how long but maybe a few hours, there was a very unpleasant quality in the experience. I wanted to get up but couldn’t do that because of discomforts, also there was a distorted perception of things and I thought something is wrong but I couldn’t make it to be right, also there was guilt because of not working yesterday and worry of working today. It felt like I am stuck in a prison that I can’t find a way out.

Tuesday, July 20, 2021, 12:55 AM

Today in general there was less fear and procrastination about doing things, so I washed dishes too after making food, and later I started working, although didn’t/couldn’t continue for more than 2-3 hours. The body had another crash at night, but it wasn’t as intense as the last two nights and also it didn’t last too long.

4:38 AM
Two sits focused on the breath at the nostrils for their first part, then focused on the relaxation for their second part. Body-mind became pretty calm and tranquil, and then sleepy.
Early part of the sits I kept having a feeling similar to the one I had in sleep today, being stuck, that felt like suffocating, while feeling guilty about the work and having the urge to stop practicing and start working. Later there was more collectedness and energetic became more active with ice-water touch flavor as part of it and mildly pleasant coolness and tingling. The sleepiness at the end looks like state/stage related since the energetics are almost gone and there is heavy feeling in the body with soreness everywhere.
Starting to work for a few hours. That’s less uncomfortable than this state of guilt and worry.

-- Edit:
I seem to be right that the sleepiness is state/stage related. It has persisted with its discomforts, also flickering lights have arisen that cause pain for the eyes. The sleepiness usually shows up together with these lights.
Siavash ', modified 5 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Tuesday, July 20, 2021, 8:04 PM

The sleepiness discomforts persisted since the practice last night. I think part of it is because of this external change and part of it is related to this unknown things that I use different words for it, states/stages, fuckever (reads whatever). This is one of the hardest combination, having this sleepiness together with the change symptoms. They both intensify each other and can turn into yawning, which is maybe the worst part. This yawning can continue for half and hour to an hour and it usually brings other discomforts, but after that usually there is a period of comfort, since it goes in cycles, and of course it’s fractals of cycles. It took a few hours to be able to get up, and during sleep the body was pretty uncomfortable. This sleepiness feels like my skin is 2 sizes smaller than my body, so it makes breathing difficult.
It was like that after waking up, but an hour ago I started listening to music then to some interview and the reward from those brought some comfort. The anticipation/expectation is one of the things that releases high amounts of dopamine, though I forget usually to regulate things with that in mind. I don’t know about this one, but my guess is that sense of familiarity that gives a feeling of safety, also has similar effect like the anticipation of a reward.

8:48 PM
I hope to remember this. I got this idea from an interview (Andrew Huberman with Lex Fridman), to have mutations of myself that compete to play with each other. To try to face the situations and solve the problems that way, like a copt of me tries his best to do something, and another copy tries his best to prevent that from happening, and then try to change configurations of each of those mutations. Like in a certain situations, let one of them be the version of ten years ago that didn’t know about meditation techniques. Nice field to play.

11:17 PM
Heh. I don’t know much about AI, but this idea came to mind that what would it be it we actually make this mutation. I mean to dump different versions of myself into a software, and then ask its opinion. Like, how I manifest when I am at the peak of my confidence, and create a module with that data, and then how I manifest at the worst of my despair and create a module with that, then for a given idea, ask both of them their opinion.
Recently every time hearing about autism spectrum, it comes to mind that maybe I am in that spectrum. I checked some signs of it now and saw that I’ve had them always.
Nowadays when talking with someone I usually maintain constant eye-contact with them and it’s easy to forget how it was in the past. I couldn’t do that at all, I wouldn’t make eye-contact or couldn’t maintain it, but at some point I decided I need to change this, and after that I forced myself, by just tolerating its discomfort many many times and trained myself to have eye-contact. Or taking things literally and often not getting jokes or sarcasm, or repetitive movements. Having the same food everyday for several months. Resistance to change and high anxiety about any change, and high anxiety in the social situations. Although some of these are much better now compared to the past, though I don’t know, and it can be that they are related to other things. Just that these all seems very familiar to me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021, 12:54 AM

It’s interesting. I had another destructive habit that it took me a while to get out of it. It was the refuge for me. I’d get silence and stillness with music, and there was a peace in it that could counterbalance all struggles of life, but like any habit, after a while its struggles became more, so I decided to leave it. It took me maybe two years to break from it completely, to a point that I didn’t have any urge to do it, or it was so faint that I could forget it easily. Now that I am trying to take some big steps with this one, I get urges for that one, which screams at my face that hey idiot, you have two tasks here, one to change the external manifestations, but at the same time change the underlying emotional, attachment things. Let’s fuck words.
Around 1-2 hours ago I noticed the activation of energetics and after that there is that sexual energy in the body again. Although the soreness of that sleepiness is present to some extent too.
Also there is hunger, part of the symptoms of the change. I’ve eaten enough today but it’s like that hunger is independent of how much I eat.

2:33 AM
It seems that the numbers show has started again. I wanted to add an entry, I noticed it’s 2:22 AM, I resisted, and thought maybe I am projecting something, then I forgot it completely, and now that I started typing, it was on 33.

(I set intentions to change this these days, but it’ll take much longer time, considering that it will change.)
It often/always seems that I can’t and shouldn’t start working (or things like going out) unless I feel comfortable enough, and that comfortable enough means that there is much less discomfort in the body and much less urge for things, but I forget it frequently that nothing terribly bad would happen if I just start the work, and I have all the time in the world to deal with those discomforts and urges later. When I am aware of that mindset, it brings good results, when I am not, then there is more destruction. Let’s end this one here.
Siavash ', modified 4 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Wednesday, July 21, 2021, 3:38 AM

Since the practice last night, some tension has arisen in the jaw. Sometimes it’s teeth clenching, and sometimes it’s a pain in the back of the jaw like yawning pain.
Trying to start working, but this sleepiness drains my energy. Although there is clarity in the mind, but not in the body.
I guess in categorizing human experience to pleasant, unpleasant, states, stages, nanas etc whatever, there should be a place for the need. In what mind-body-states we are needy, and in what we are not. I notice when there is high stillness and silence in the experience, then needs fade away. Often they just don’t arise.

5:25 AM
A sense of stillness and silence has arisen. It’s not intense as those times that I call it stillness attack, but it’s quite noticeable. Letting go of urges takes less resistance after that. I find myself sitting in half lotus posture and enjoying it and keeping my spine straight.
For a few minutes there was this feeling that the body is moving, like I am sitting on something that has wheels and moves very slowly. Now it arises again very briefly. Energetics have become active, along the spine and in the throat. More vibrations arise, specially in the fingers. Though sleepiness and soreness is still there.
It’s very interesting. It’s been hours that I’ve been waiting to start working. I feel like I am exactly at the edge of doing it, but can’t take that step of one tenth of a millimeter and just do it.
There are brief periods of stillness and contentment and hope with the energy to start doing something, but then quickly it turns into doubt and waiting and uncertainty.

8:19 PM
Last night for a good portion of time there was higher clarity in visual objects, they looked cartoonish, as small objects. While looking out from the window, I noticed that all I am seeing outside, is not “bigger” that this window, but when other mental images arise together with it, it gives a sense of depth and bigger space.
Today that sleepiness seems to be gone. There have been fully body goosbumpy vibrations, and the sexual energy has been very intense. I kind of sometimes should stay away from bodily sensations and thought related to that, otherwise it wants to go to wilderness. I am okay with wilderness but not as the predominant thing currently.
The whole body vibrations seem to initiate from left elbow and left hip bone. Those two places had energetics these few days that had vortex-like movements.
Last night finally I could work a few hours, and today I did some physical activities after waking up, and it was acceptable. Body didn’t have the crash like previous days, just mid-level discomforts. After some physical activity, I noticed activation of energetics along the spine, then it turned into a pleasant heat that only has happened a few times in that location.
Today there has been less procrastination, I guess it’s because of the sexual energy. There was the urge to do things and apply force.

Thursday, July 22, 2021, 3:05 AM

There is a tender and quiet sadness. I had a heartfelt (for both of us) exchange with a friend, that we both were touched, and this tender sadness remained after that. There is silence in the mind and the body moves slowly. Also there is that clarity in the sensations specially visuals ones, that looks like none of it is solid, and they don’t have substance and are just some cartoonish shapes and colors. Sometimes the sense of me being a living thing among these sensations and with the vantage point of the back of the head is more present, and sometimes less. This insubstantiality helped me today to face some pains and feelings of disgust that usually are difficult for me much easily. It was liberating to some extent.
I had a Ney in the past and I had not played it for many years. After this sadness I had urges to play. I didn’t know that I still have it, because I had burned one or two of them in the past. I love to burn musical instruments sometimes, it’s a great symbolic ritual for me. But I looked around the house and found it. I haven’t received any training for it but I had learned some basics of it by try and error. It gives a good feeling to have its possibility. To be able to talk in a language other than these words.

5:02 AM
I went to bed for over an hour since body was very tired because of this long and emotionally intense day. For 20-30 minutes there was feeling of burning in the right toes. They usually have itches or sometimes pain with crushing flavor, but since yesterday they have burning. My toes had been burned 2-3 times by boiling water in the past, and this exactly feels like that, though with lower intensity. There was also pressure inside the head, felt in the temples. I had focused on the body and space gently, that sense of insubstantiality in the sensations became more predominant, and although there was higher depth and spaciousness in the visual field, but it looked like the whole space is smaller, with small objects including the body inside it. Later there was more energetics in the torso and legs with heat and burning flavor, and the right toes had feeling of burning with heat and coldness for some seconds that I guess was pleasant. Then it became vibrations mostly and movements of sensations upward in the body. Also feeling like the body and the ground are moving, which I had it earlier tonight too. A few times it felt like the energy is getting more and more intense toward an explosion. There was sleepiness after some time and distorted perceptions. 
In this practice in bed, although the energetics were getting more intense, but at some point I noticed that they are fading away, and then sleepiness took away part of clarity. Now it seems that there was a shift and that sleepy states has arisen again. Energy is not active, and there is the tranquility, and also soreness and discomforts of sleepiness present.
Siavash ', modified 2 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Friday, July 23, 2021, 2:14 AM

Last night after a lot of struggle I could work a couple hours. Then practiced for a while with Leigh’s instruction, sleepiness was predominant and I kept falling asleep and losing the object.
Today could get up relatively easily. Less discomfort compared to previous days in the body. Energetics have heat, burning, coldness and wetness flavor. Sexual energy is still strong, and I think it will be for weeks to months, if I could continue the process properly.
A sit now focused on the body for 30-40 minutes. There was more heat sensations in the legs and along the spine, though there was coldness too, so no sweating. A release of energy in the head with bright lights exploding. Intensification of energy for some minutes with upward movements. The lava-like mix of purple and dark gray is back in the murk. There was silence and relaxation, and spaciousness that there was less solidity in the body and ground for some minutes with a sense of movement.
Today there has been silence and stillness in the background, with some sadness-despair in the foreground sometimes.

4:28 AM
In the last 1-2 hours the sense of sadness-despair and agitation+frustration has increased, sexual energy has decreased, strong itching has arisen in the body that I am not sure is related to energetics or the external changes. There is high neediness, like I am looking for something that could give satisfaction, and part of the struggle of not being able to start the work is related to that. There is an urge to eat something tasty but I don’t know what that could be since there isn’t much satisfaction in the options that come to mind.

7:12 AM
After a lot of struggle, I could work for a few hours. That itching has decreased and there has been insect crawling sensations and vibrations like movement of blood under the skin. In the last 20-30 minutes the energy has become more active. The sexual energy has arisen again, there are harsh throbbing, and strong feelings of coldness/wetness (pleasant) and tickling (painful). And flickering bright violet lights.
Today overall there has been falling apart of ideas/concepts, or more accurately it takes time and effort/intention to form them, both about the body and other concepts. Like when it comes to mind that x is good or bad, it looks meaningless, then I bring to mind that this and this and this get grouped together to create this idea that x is good or bad.

Saturday, July 24, 2021, 2:20 AM

Earlier tonight I had an exchange with someone, she said something that I didn’t like, and she noticed quickly that it wasn’t appropriate and apologized, and I didn’t become upset at her and I am not, but it has triggered a lot of unpleasant feelings. Mainly anger, frustration, disappointment, which in the context of that conversation, it’s unreasonable, and it points to a deeper issue. There is a feeling of suffocation with it. And a sense that something obscures clarity and contentment but I can not remove it. Like there is a lot of dirt on your glasses and you can’t see clearly.

Watching an interview, it made me remember again that in childhood, I think mainly in primary school but also later, it would happen sometimes there would be silence and stillness in the mind, the narrative would go off completely, and it would make me worried that what would happen if this thing continues longer. It usually was in brief periods of seconds, and the first times that I noticed it, it felt like becoming nothing. As if previously there was always thoughts and narration in the mind, and I thought while there is this thought activity, I continue to be and life/existence continues to be, but without it, it felt like I’ve stopped being. So I would get worried that without that thought activity, I won’t exist, and there was unknowing and I was afraid of that. I thing I got used to it to some extent, and later years I noticed it less. In early 20’s I started having similar experiences again but as something continuous in the background that I’d call it stillness, though I don’t know if it was the same experience as childhood, since this was pleasant, or maybe it had become familiar.

Today the body had less discomfort, better than my expectation, and that brings some hope, though at the moment I mostly notice the unpleasantness in everything.
I guess the part of this intense disappointment that I feel now, is because the body is relatively comfortable. A lot of times I have disappointment about people, and part of it was that this conversation tonight, triggered that disappointment. But the other part it, it has been for a long time that the body would feel uncomfortable so I’d do things to comfort it and that mechanism was distracting enough, but without the discomfort there is no need to do that, but then what to do? That’s the flavor of sadness and disappointment. In another mind-state I’d see that as an opportunity, as freedom, but now I don’t. This doesn’t mean the end of discomfort because I am only in the middle of it and still there is a long way to go, but it means there will be this disappointment again and again, and if I give in to it, then the energy will go into other destructive patterns. I hope to be able to start working soon to get some satisfaction from it to counterbalance this dissatisfaction.
Siavash ', modified 2 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Saturday, July 24, 2021, 3:39 AM

After writing previous entry, a sense of stillness and contentment arose, and for a few minutes this whole disappointment and sadness felt okay, but then they came back. For some minutes there was rapid flickering of light in front of the eyes. Now there is feeling of crushing in some of the fingers and toes, but I guess for the first time, it’s mixed with burning, and once burning and coldness and crushing at the same time. Interesting.

7:29 AM
I forced myself to work for a few hours, although these unpleasant feelings didn’t go away, and they’ve become more unpleasant. Sadness, bitterness, annoyance, cold anger, disgust. It’s seeing the negativity in everything, and also projecting negativity.

9:39 AM
A sit for near 2 hours focused on the sensations of these emotions, and later focused mostly on the head and face. The body was less solid with the sense of movement in the body and space for a while. Parts of it looked like my head is much bigger and its boundaries are less clear. There was lots of energetics, some pleasant, mostly very painful. A few times release of energy in the head. It made parts of the body numb for a while, this had not happened since last year that made me worried at first. Several times it felt that the energy pushes parts of the body outward or upward, it was interesting that this feeling started at this location that I guess they call it anapanasati spot, a small area between the upper lip and nose. It also arose in the perineum and genitals, left elbow and left hip. The release of energy in the body and perception of the emotional feelings were somewhat different in this sit and I guess part of it felt like opening and untangling, but later I became sleepy and forgot the details. There was coolness, and lots of burning and crushing and painful tickling flavor, some of it still arises.
A few times there was a beep-like sound in the head. A couple times there was jumpiness in the experience or in the visual field, that without blinking, it looked like blinking as if the visual field moved or got pulled to one side then returned to its position.

7:28 PM
I focused on the body in bed, part of the sensations felt mildly pleasant and stayed almost like that until I fell asleep, and I had a good 6 hours sleep without waking up in the middle. There has been discomfort in the body but it’s much less than my expectation, and also there is less neediness. That brought some joy and smile and confidence and sense of power, and there was spread of vibrations in the whole body.
I am not sure to call it joy, but that sense of satisfaction and contentment, exactly feels like dopamine release. Like it gathers the body-mind. That’s the best way the I could describe it, like when you put magnet near iron filings. Or like when you comb your hair.
It’s 40 degrees now and the cooler is off but the body doesn’t feel hot. That’s one of the symptoms that sometimes body feels cold even in hot summer.

10:31 PM
The discomfort has increased. Higher body temperature with nonstop sweating and feeling of hunger. Although the sense of satisfaction-contentment had become predominant. Sensations were self-satisfying, the eyes stayed wide open, the mind was quiet for a good portion of time, and even when there was narration, it felt quiet. I went out for a walk to give the body a physical challenge, and it felt good. There was less solidity in the space and visual objects, it looked somewhat cartoonish, fabricated, and I noticed a lot of beauty in them. While walking it felt like the sensations radiate beauty and contentment.
After I came back, the thoughts about what I should do arose again, eating working etc, and that brought back the despair and dissatisfaction. Though still the neutral feeling occupies most of the sense field.
Siavash ', modified 18 Hours ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Sunday, July 25, 2021, 12:56 AM

There was a mix of satisfaction and dissatisfaction and I noticed that the dissatisfactions starts bothering me, feeling like I should do something or find something that could give satisfaction, so I closed my eyes and focused on the body and the stillness that was present. There were some interesting distorted perceptions. Once it seemed that the satisfaction and dissatisfaction are two female people. The satisfaction is a close female friend, that is like a sister to me, and the dissatisfaction is a female person that I know but we are not very close and I don’t like something about her, and I thought to get help from the positive energy of the first person (satisfaction) to face the negative energy of the second person (dissatisfaction).
Then some energetics arose, somewhat painful and with numbness in the right body, it seemed to me that this energy is like a government that creates hardship for people, and the other sensations and intentions are people, and I thought how these sensations/intentions (people) should gather together and help each other to face this powerful force (the energy/government).
Then it seemed that perceiving some of the sensations or changing them, is a coding task and I am doing one part of it and my nephew is helping me by doing another part of it. Though he is a musician, not a coder.
I got bored after a while and ended the sit.

1:46 AM
This feeling and perception of “Then, what to do?” has started bothering again tonight. The time period of it is interesting. It occurred more between 12 AM and 3 AM. That’s the time that for many years I’d sit and rest after coming back home at night from work, and distract myself with all these habits. It feels clear that the pattern tries to survive. When intending about starting to work, I notice a resistance in the experience, not in clear words, but it’s like something screams nooooo, don’t do that before x and y. I don’t want to replace one destructive habit with another one, so I should think clearly about how I should spend my time, and what would be the things that I could derive satisfaction from, that are not just unhelpful distractions. Work, meditation, playing music, physical exercise, these are possible options, but in the short term they won’t have sustainable satisfaction feedback loop.

3:19 AM
Because of the increase of the restlessness of the urges, I did a sit for 30-40 minutes, focused on the body and mental activity. Interestingly enough, except for 1-2 minutes in the beginning, I didn’t notice thoughts about the urges, although there was the restlessness in the body and uncomfortable sensations in the mouth. There were distorted perception that I forgot them. There was relaxation and tranquility and the breath became slow and shallow. Twice there was a tick sound in the nose, that felt left nostril opened more and the breath felt easier and smoother after that.
A feeling of lightness, kind of floating gently, with sometimes slow movements and warps in the visual field keeps arising. It feels good.

6:06 AM
Have been working for couple hours, but the body-mind has become very uncomfortable that makes it difficult to sit, think or do anything. There are 3 things at the same time, the discomforts, the urge to relieve the discomfort, but at the same time I don’t like or want to relieve it, and that makes it a strange situation.
Early part of the day there was sexual feelings, but without any urge or thoughts related to it, that went away and last few hours that sense has arisen that the sensations want to get released in the face and genitals, like an itching in the whole body in its bones. Sometimes it becomes intense and creates a strange state in the system.
In this continuous field of dissatisfaction, there are moments that feel completely satisfactory, and I think the sensations in the face have the biggest impact on that feeling, then it goes away quickly.

9:53 AM
Did a sit focused on the body. Later part of it I became sleepy and fell asleep and I don’t remember any details. I guess there was that feeling of lightness similar to floating.
Siavash ', modified 13 Hours ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 7

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Monday, July 26, 2021, 3:40 AM

Today there has been moderate amounts of discomfort in the body, although it didn’t bother me much and I didn’t feel much need to relieve it, and for a few hours it led to positive feelings and enabled me to make food. Although in the last hour it has started changing, and both pain and restlessness have increased. Also this sense that the feelings want to get released in the face, sometimes create restlessness, and gives a sense that I want to hit something with my hands.
This pain in the right side of the chest and back has intensified these two days and also today it arises in the left side of the back too, and it creates some worry about lung failure, but I also notice similarity in it with energetics. I did a sit now for half an hour and focused on that. There were other energetics when I put attention on it, but later it became very relaxed, and now it seems that its pain has subsided. It also can be that because of less numbness in the body, I just notice more pain. An example of it is that now hitting the keys on keyboard creates pain in the finger bones.

5:23 AM
The pain in the back had increased again so I sat and focused on it for a while. For the first 10-20 minutes focusing on it caused a lot of hard pains in the body, mostly arms and legs, kind of like as if you hit it with a stick or a fist. Then there was relaxation and tranquility, and a sense of lightness, somewhat floating-like.
After that this restlessness that feels like a release in the face has increased. Feels like my whole being wants to get released from the mouth. And the bones are itching and I have no way to relieve it. Sometimes it causes rocking in the body, or the body wants to shake and tremble to reduce that restlessness. Also I get this feeling in the hands like wanting to throw rocks and knives or cut things with a sword. And images of cutting the body into pieces with a sword.

6:06 AM
It occurred to me that part of these experiences are state/stage related, and the current situation of the body has intensified them. If I want to map the experience to PoI, then this looks like disgust territory to me. The pain in fingers, these cutting images, also images of biting metal or burning the body with boiling water, also the restlessness and the high energy with it. Although this energy is not productive, it just likes to hit things. And the unproductiveness brings anger.

9:26 AM
I wanted to go to bed because of the discomfort and restlessness, but then they subsided and reminded me of their cyclic nature, so I could work a few hours. They have increased again in the last hour. Also this pain in the back has increased and spread to other parts of the torso, and similar ones arise in hands and feet, which makes me think that it’s more related to energetics. There was frequent release of energy in the head for 1-2 hours, and now that bone-itching feeling has arisen again with discomfort in the chest and throat.
I guess I am getting tired of pain.

10:58 AM
Sat for over an hour and focused on the pain and discomfort in the back, chest and throat. Immediately there was a very strong pain in the sacrum that arose a few more times later. Other than that, there wasn’t much painful energetics. There was lot of distorted perceptions and after I became sleepy, I was kind of locked in one of them and couldn’t end the sit. There is sleepiness now and most of the discomforts are gone except for the one in the back.