Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

Siavash's Practice Log 8

Posts: 1441 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.

About this name:
It's pronounced like:
See-ya-vash

Log history:

Initial part on fire kasina:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

1st:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

2nd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695

3rd:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20832167

4th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21689099

5th:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22192593

6th
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22409581

7th
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/22696091

------------------------

Thursday, October 21, 2021, 4:35 AM

Looking back at the past few months, it seems that there was a success in making house work (physical work) more interesting. How much of it was by myself, or just the other conditions, I can’t know, but doing it looks more interesting and satisfying than not doing it. I think the same thing applies to practice too, doing it is more interesting/satisfying than not doing it. Now I need to find a similar balance about working. Of course doing it is more satisfying than not doing it, but a lot of times it’s not interesting. The question is, how I could frame the issue of working (I mean working at home — mental work), to make it interesting.
I think there is a difference. With house work and practice, it’s just me, there isn’t obligation, so interest can arise. With working, other people are involved, so there is obligation, so there is guilt and worry. If I want to find interest in it, I guess I should cut through these ideas, and frame it as a hobby again, and not an obligation.
Thanks to that guy that said this word, play. Those two are playful, but working has lost its playfulness.

5:35 AM
This restlessness that I identified yesterday that keeps moving in the body, it seems that it governs a lot of my behaviors. Although sometimes it becomes obvious, but often it’s subtle and can go unnoticed easily, but it seems to be the force behind a lot of my dos and don’ts.

1:48 PM
Sat for near two hours, focused on the restlessness, and relaxed tensions whenever they arose. Restlessness was mostly in the arms and legs, and focusing on it caused a lot of pain, specially in the arms and legs and base of spine, hard pain in bones, and other ones, also feelings like insects are moving on the skin. It was interesting that at one point I got confused..; Is this working or practicing? Am I supposed to be careful to not have low performance because I am being paid for this time? Or is it just practice;.. These thoughts were there for a few seconds, until I realized it’s practice. I guess there was some sleepiness present too, although I didn’t feel sleepy when it became clear. 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Friday, October 22, 2021, 12:40 AM

Practiced in bed on the restlessness, it was similar to previous sit. Focusing on it caused more restlessness and pain. I had focused on the arms that wanted to move but I didn’t move them, they became very uncomfortable, and there was discomfort in the throat and chest, feeling like I can’t breathe, also it caused pain and pressure in the face/jaw bones. I think probably because I have worked with legs restlessness in recent years, that doesn’t cause too much discomfort, but with arms, it becomes uncomfortable.
I think, or guess, that most or all of the movements that happen in the body (externally) happen after a feeling of restlessness. At the moment that a part wants to move, if it stays still, the restlessness becomes more obvious, then it becomes more uncomfortable and painful. How attraction and aversion manifest. Somewhat like the law of inertia, and how energy gets released when you force it to move or to be still.

11:32 AM
These few days there has been energy currents moving in the body, last few hours there is hard pain that seems to be related to that energetic activity. During the night there was that flavor of pain along the spine as if it’s on a sharp object like a nail. Now that’s gone, and the pain is mostly like pressure on the bones mixed with a flu-like pain, also some burning in the fingers.

12:54 PM
Sat for 50 minutes focused on the restlessness and energetic pains. It caused more pains, specially in the back, arms and legs. The sharp pains arose again in the hips. A few pleasant sensations arose too, each for a second. The boundaries between head and torso were vague.

Saturday, October 23, 2021, 5:12 AM

Continued to focus on restlessness and the energetic (or whatever else) pains in the body before and while in bed, and similar to the sit before, it caused more pains. After waking up the pain was present for a few hours specially in the upper back, so I decided to experiment with it. Did a few rounds of stretching that was focused on the upper back and shoulders, and it seems that it helped, there is very little pain remaining. Should be careful to not overdo any of these.
The violet-purple light has arisen today.
I guess part of these pains in the back is related to how I sit. Because most of my time I am in front of computer, and usually I bend a little to one side, and since I lean against a pillow, that causes some of the muscles in the back to be weaker than the other ones, to the point that in recent years it has affected my walking that I bend to one side. In my last year’ family visit, they all noticed it and asked why are you walking and standing that way. There should be some residue of carpet work too, I used to have back pain at the time, the same locations that are painful now.
I usually forget it. It needs a reminder system to make me remember to make it a routine to prevent more damage.
After the stretches, whole-body vibrations arise.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Best wishes Siavash! 
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

Posts: 1441 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Thank you Papa Che.
May you have all the good things that you want.
 
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Saturday, October 23, 2021, 4:34 PM

It’s been some hours that pain doesn’t arise in the body (except for the back). I think something has shifted. Also there was/is interest in music, so I started listening, and the beauty was back, then played a little, that was good too. Many tunes come to mind, but I don’t have enough technique and skill to play them. It’s good that I haven’t lost the hope that I’ll learn those skills some day. There is more beauty and satisfaction in sensations. I think part of it is because last few days I worked more and that reduced some of my worries.

I guess we could say that at times, we notice harmony more, so it becomes hopeful, powerful, beautiful, equanimous and creative. Other times we notice disharmony more, so there is more conflict and discomfort. And sometimes we can’t tolerate any of that, or don’t care, and hide away. Maybe another way to look at pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, or attraction, aversion and ignorance.

8:07 PM
It’s a few hours now that there are wiggles in the visual field, both when looking at a small object, and in the field itself. And movements on and under the skin that feels like an insect moving. A few times I noticed that I can’t find any emotion in the experience, it was ordinary and simple in a sense, but also strange. That simplicity itself looks strange, if I stop and notice that there isn’t any emotion.

Sunday, October 24, 2021, 12:14 AM

Sat for an hour with the intention to focus on anything that is pleasant or relaxed in the experience. After a minute I fell asleep and woke up after an hour (haven’t slept today).

4:44 PM
Right before waking up there was another dream with dogs. This time here were 4-5 shepherd dogs, and one of them was mad, but there wasn’t any reaction on my side or theirs, then I decided to go toward them. In my mind, I invoked my power (which I don’t know what it was), and walked toward them. All of them ran away as I got closer to each one.
I was thinking that there wasn’t fear in this dream, but now I think the act of moving toward them was because of fear, only that it’s a different reaction.
After waking up there was a lightness and openness in the experience for a few hours, I don’t know if it’s related to dreams or not. There was very little grasp of craving over me compared to usual, and recognizing that was good.
Before I forget, it has occurred to me that what I sometimes experience as quietness, stillness, or equanimity, as it seems, it could be repressed anger. I need to observe and experiment more with this one, not clear.
I need to train my back muscles to sit without a back support. It’s near two decades that I sit this way because of back pain, and that has created more pain.

10:05 PM
I notice it again that the bodily pains, whatever they are, are related to the emotional states. Earlier today a few times I noticed mild despair in the experience, but I tried to pay attention to the more hopeful and positive aspects of experience. A few hours ago after I returned from a short walk, the experience changed dramatically in a few minutes. Despair and bitterness. Energy level decreased and pain arose, and face expression and its mental image changed. It’s very accurate how Rumi calls it expansion and contraction. In this contracted state, any move toward expansiveness in unpleasant. Any noise causes anger, but the anger doesn’t have much energy to express itself, so it just becomes bitterness and restlessness in the body (Noticing disharmony more, and losing the capacity to tolerate).

Monday, October 25, 2021, 12:19 AM

The mind-state has become despair-indifference with low energy and strength in the body.
Early part of the day there was bright violet light with dark gray around it in the center of the vision. After the unpleasantness arose at night, there was rapid flickering in a larger area in the visual field. Now there is pale green color statics in the center, and bright white dots arise, one at a time, that then turns into a clear black dot with green halo around it.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Monday, October 25, 2021, 12:56 AM

There was a shift for 5-10 minutes. Similar to earlier at night, flickering arose in the visual field with pale purples statics in the center, and at the same times energy currents started moving in different parts of of the body. The first one started 3-4 fingers below the navel, then the light flickering and energy currents in the throat, legs, elbows etc. It seems they are gone, only that pain arose after it in the base of spine, with movements in the center of spine, and pain in the left side of that point.

1:44 AM
Another shift in the visual field: There is a dark gray circle (not very defined), flickering purples fill the dark circle, the purple circles shrinks slowly while flickering and disappears in the center of the dark circle, then it arises again filling the dark circle, and this repeats again and again. Sometimes I like to map this stuff.

3:42 AM
Sat for 50 minutes with the intention to focus on the sensations of despair, but I fell asleep most of it. After that, there is less unpleasantness, and energy currents are gone.

11:09 PM
Today the mind-state has been mostly neutral. The unpleasant emotions and bodily pains with it that arose last night, were not present today. There have been moving sensations in the right shoulder blade most of the time, it feels that there is an object inside the tissue, and another object on it putting pressure, often neutral, sometimes slightly pleasant.

Tuesday, October 26, 2021, 10:52 AM

Last night I couldn’t do sitting practice, because of a situation and I had to stay awake, although did some lying meditation. Since yesterday, often the mind-state is close to neutral. There is ongoing vibrations in the right shoulder blade, and when a brief emotion (with positive valence) arises, instantly it causes goosbumpy vibrations in most of the body.

11:51 AM
I think I was right about thinking that one flavor of indifference-silence that arises in my experience, is related to anger. Although I am not sure to call it anger, it looks more like a deep frustration of unfairness of what has been going around me. It seems that it’s a result of a lifetime of this impression:..; I did more but I got less, I cared more but got worse, worked more and got less..; A deep seated frustration, that yells at people:..; I don’t care what you do or have, but I deserved better than this..; I’ve always wondered, why I don’t see any jealousy in my experience? People become jealous, and I have many situations to feel jealous about, why I don’t have it? Now I think it’s because of this frustration, this lost hope of fairness. I don’t feel bad about it, I am pretty calm actually at the moment, and recognizing this gives me a chance to understand better. I’ve always tried to care for people or help them, but often their joy doesn’t make me joyful, for me it’s like:..; okay, you do whatever you do now, I did my thing and I don’t care more..; I think not being able to laugh with people’s joy and rejoice in their happiness is related to this frustration. It’s like, your background thought is, this is not fair and it won’t be, I just try to not add more unfairness to it. It’s bitter.
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Tuesday, October 26, 2021, 1:33 PM

It’s been a while that I have some awareness about what I wrote above, frustration/anger manifesting as silence/indifference, but I don’t know intentionally or unintentionally, I didn’t want to go there and stay with it. Something happened yesterday that I spent some time helping a friend, then this question filled my being that what are the intentions here, you could help them and they feel better, but then why you feel angry and unheard? After writing previous entry, I went out, and while seeing people and objects, noticed that this feeling/perception is present in a lot of it. Paying more attention to it in the last hour has brought that same silence again. I feel a need to do some work with elements and have Ken’s voice in my head for a while.

2:35 PM
I remembered this from Ken, that I observe to see when I see things in a transactional way.
And the other thing I remembered from Tim, and also my previous logs, that I can be a little more grateful.
Very interesting. Now that gratitude came to mind, an openness arose about the previous feeling. A desire to see the other person happier with a mental image my face expression that had smile, and was not contracted. Magick ha!
I should make this a practice. It’s beautiful.
I am really amazed how it operates. The gratitude expands the space, so things could start flowing again. Let’s music!

I should share this music!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL-LZ2twkfw&list=OLAK5uy_k0aHGhX612v33pskDY80FbQOynLvqqRl4
shargrol, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Just some thoughts, I don't know if they are helpful or even relevant???

One thing about resentment/anger, it gives a really strong feeling of self. I'm sure that's its attraction.

It's clever: we elevate others and then resent them, which gives us a strong feeling of self but we can say "I'm the low person, so I can't be indulging in self, I'm nothing".

Also resentment gives a feeling of solidity. Once we start being resentful/angry, it becomes very easy to be resentful/angry again, and again, and again, and again. In an imperminant and confusing word, resentment/anger can give us a kind of certainty, which is sort of nice in it's own way. Life is always going to be unfair in some way, so if we define ourselves as "he who percieves unfairness" then we'll always be right in some way.

The downside is that being "he who percieves unfairness" is a limiting identity, not really the full description of who we are or could be.

The grateful self is much closer to who we really are and can be.

(I enjoyed Chaharamezrab. The time signature is so different than the music I normally listen to, so interesting! I had to listen so closely!)
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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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 Hey Shargrol,
Relevant and helpful.
Thank you, it expanded my view.

I had not noticed clearly the points on certainty, feeling self-righteous, and that it's attractive because it solidifies self (and world).
I saw it more from the pov of a child who wants to feel jealous, but is told that: You should have dignity, and your dignity comes from within, not from your clothes, and that has created a confusion, then a view about self and world, and a ton of repressed anger.

I feel that I need to do both deconstructive work, and also appreciation/gratitude practice, and none of it alone could untangle it. Suggestions?

For musics:
Nice emoticon
Yeah, very different from werstern music. Chaharmezrab is a genre, but this one is one of my most favorites.

(If anyone is interested, this is a performance of the charahrmezrab-e-mahur, mentioned in the article, with orchestration.)
 
shargrol, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Working on repressed anger is very challenging, but also very important to do when the time seems right. Repressed anger is a very normal way of surviving life as a child, but it isn't really living. It works okay as a way for a child to survive, but when we are older we can work on a better mind...

Here's some ideas...

In your example, a sense of both desire (wanting good things) and shame (not having good things) is repressed.  Repressed emotions never stays completely repressed and so it comes back in an altered way as anger. 

This is obviously the domain of psychology, so doing a lot of reading and/or working with a psychological therapist is the quickest way to make progress. Meditation can also support un-repressing emotions by createing a safe place to explore repressed emotions and allow them to be experienced with clarity.

What makes it challenging is that:

1) some anger is appropriate. righteous anger shouldn't be repressed. If all anger is repressed that just creates more psychological problems, frequently creating an identity as "a powerless victim". So some anger is okay. 
2) we also need to see most of the time anger isn't helpful in life, it just creates conflict and separation. So lots of anger is bad. 
3) we need to allow ourselves to feel some of positive emotions that anger is covering up. for example, we need to feel the innocent desire of wanting nice things. It's okay to want things, have dreams, and innocent fantasies -- this is what makes us think about a better future and work towards making things better. Some optimisim is good.
4) we need to allow ourselves to feel some of the negative emotions that anger is cover up, for example, we need to feel the old shame again in order to realize some shame is appropriate (we can't always be wanting nice things, that's childish) and also some shame is an old wound that we don't need to feel anymore (we are an adult now, so feeling like a ashamed child is no longer helpful). 
5) this can often create a loop --- when we realize how adults made us feel too ashamed as a child, then we might get angry at adults or the world again, so we are back at the top of this list again, dealing with anger.

It's very common to do some introspection, have some insights about old wounds, but then feel like we aren't making progress because anger and shame still trouble us ---- we need to have confidence that we are slow making progress, even though there is more work to do! emoticon

So there is anger work that needs to be done: how to not be a victim but also how to not be angry all the time. And there is "the original hurt" work that needs to be done to allow ourselves to be able to feel moments of desire and moments of shame, but without being re-traumatized by childhood memories of desire and shame.

Does that make sense? Anger is the surface issue and "the child's emotional hurt" is the deeper issue.

This is usually all confused in the mind. It feels like one big knot of memories-thinking-feeling-imagination. Past feelings of shame and anger feel like they are really happening right now, not as a past memory. It feels like it's impossible to break the knot. But the way the knot is broken is by slowly untangling it. In a real knot, you pull on one thread and carefully watch how it moves and this careful study allows ideas to occur about how one tiny part of the knot can be untangled.

It is the same thing with tangles in the mind. Through careful introspection, we separate the past from the present, old wound from current life, and we slowly replace old habits with new habits. All of this takes time, but I noticed that, with this kind of work, my defense mechanisms were slowly changing and I was using less immature methods and developing more mature methods 
[url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism#Vaillant's_categorization]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism#Vaillant's_categorization 

Some good material from Ken McLeod:
http://unfetteredmind.org/anger/
http://unfetteredmind.org/a-practice-for-releasing-emotional-reactions/
http://unfetteredmind.org/guilt-morality-shame-joy/
 
http://unfetteredmind.org/releasing-emotional-reactions/  
http://unfetteredmind.org/monsters-under-the-bed/

Hope this is helpful in some way!
shargrol, modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

Posts: 1653 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
This one is also good:
http://unfetteredmind.org/warriors-solution/ 
http://unfetteredmind.org/the-warriors-solution-passivity-and-freedom/ 


Some interesting quotes from the links above:


“Aristotle had a line on this, he said, ’It’s very easy to get angry. It’s very difficult to get angry at the right person, at the right time, in the right way, for the right reason.’"


​​​​​​​
"Always keep in mind that patterned behavior has one function and one function only, that is to dissipate or degrade attention. That is the sole purpose of reactive patterns, the sole function. We are sometimes amazed at the ability of reactive patterns to hijack our attention and to screw things up. But we shouldn’t really be surprised. The opponent [the old wound/memory is described as the opponent] has access to everything you know, to all of your intelligence and to all of your experience. It can, and does, adapt to every condition except one. It can’t adapt to awareness because there is no awareness in the operation of the opponent.

There may be intelligence, but there is no awareness.

In each of us there are stories that we tell ourselves about what happened. And in our meditation practice we get very familiar with the stories. They roll on and on and on and even in our lives. So we have a story that we’re constantly telling ourselves about who we are and what we are and what our role in life is, and so forth.

On the other hand there are also quite precise memories of events and circumstances that we’ve encountered. Between the two there are a set of images which are like a memory but has much more emotional investment. It is more dream-like, more fluid. And what it is, is a record of our emotional reaction to events that occurred at other points in our lives. It’s not the actual memory of the event, it is the record of our emotional reaction to the event. And out of that comes the stories that we have. So we have all three.”



“All reactive patterns have two poles which can be called the expressive and the receptive. The example of abuse, physical abuse makes this quite clear. When a parent abuses a child, strikes a child, that experience is usually so strong and so contradictory to what is meant to be happening in the parent-child relationship that the child cannot experience that event in attention. So something freezes. And the child splits into two. And these become the two poles of the pattern.
The one pole, the receptive, is an identity that forms around the experience of being hit and this becomes the victim. And the victim pattern, as it matures through life, is one of passive, of always trying to please, give away, always protective, defensive, hyper-vigilant, etc, etc. Familiar territory, Arlene? Yeah. Anybody who’s worked in psychotherapy knows this very well.
But the other pole also is planted in the child, and that is the expressive, which is the abuser. Because if you have been on the receiving end of abuse there is one thing that you know how to do, you know how to abuse. You know exactly how to do it. And that becomes a sadistic, dominating, belligerent, so forth. And in life a person will typically flip from one to the other. They will form a primary identity about one, but if they encounter circumstances in which that identity can’t function they will just flip to that other pole, because it’s the same pattern.
Student: [Unclear]
Ken: Circumstances. If you think of the bully/coward, if you challenge a bully they flip into a coward. But if you corner a coward they become a bully. And every pattern has those two poles and they flip. This is why we say, “the opposite of a reactive behavior is still the reaction.”

“…yes if you are going to dissolve the pattern you are always going to have to dissolve the both sides. Because both are frozen in our experience at this point. In psychological terms there’s a lot of work on the inner child. …And one of the areas of confusion around inner child work is that many therapists and psychologists failed to appreciate that there are really two inner childs. One is the comfort-seeking child, which is pure conditioning and has no awareness, just wants things to be nice, doesn’t want to grow up. And the other is the part of us that was frozen, the awareness that was frozen and can’t, can’t move. And the comfort-seeking inner child has to die in order for the abilities that are frozen in us to be free to grow. But when these are conflated you get a lot of confused things going on. “

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Siavash ', modified 1 Month ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Thank you so much Shargrol, I appreciate your help.

I read your comments (very clear and to the point) several times, but I was so tired because of a long and busy day that I couldn't form a response with what I had in mind. I'll write tomorrow. Thank you.
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Siavash ', modified 29 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Hey Shargrol,
Thank you for the resources. I’ve used some of them before and have done some of the practices, but things were less clear than now, and it seems that I need to do another round of these practices.

Some scattered thoughts came to mind:

On repressed desire, yeah this has been present all the time. In childhood there were three forces against desire, one poverty, another the traditionalist view in my family and environment. I didn’t like rules and wanted to have my own rules, so there was feeling of not being understood. In high school I became attracted to religion, and took it very serious. It was a source of shame, because some of my family members ridiculed it, that would also cause anger. Also it was a cause and reason for suppressing desires in order to feel that I am doing it right, but since I didn’t like some of the things that religion presented, that would cause shame, guilt and anger. It took a long time to gain some freedom from this guilt.
Another factor in repressing desire, is how my parents are. My father is greedy and my mother is aversive. So she has disgust agains his too much greed, and he has anger against her too much aversion, disgust in both sides. And I’ve had the same disgust in lesser degrees. That disgust is anti-desire.

On anger. Yesterday there was a problem in the bank so I went there to fix it. There were a few people there, so I gathered them and gave each one something to do and we fixed it. And I enjoyed doing that. That reminded me that during my career I’ve always enjoyed doing this. I think it’s a manifestation of anger. This creates conditions to express domination (that doesn’t seem unhealthy) that comes from the anger/shame, and it’s likable because it gives a strong sense of self . Not saying it’s good or bad though, I don’t know.
In this context, the other two mode that I have are making myself isolated, or becoming rebellious.
So the two poles of receptive and expressive that Ken talks about, are there in a lot of my thoughts and actions. We didn’t have physical violence and abuse in our family, but there are many kinds of abuse and negligence.

I think there is a pattern that is formed around that repressed desire and jealousy. Wanting all of the attention or none of it, or being the main object of the other person, or not being in their attention at all.
The first 5-6 years of my life was the most difficult part of our family history. A lot of seeking attention and not getting it.
I feel the conflict of desire, shame and guilt clearly in my current moment experience too.

Some notes from last night:

-----

When a person, colleague or friend, chooses another one instead of you, for doing ordinary things that probably you won’t like a lot of them, you think that there is something special there, that they want to have or do it without you, to hide it from you, because they think you don’t deserve it so you think your don’t deserve it. It belongs to a higher class than yours. This used to become very painful in romantic relationships, and even when the relationship was at its best, I’d feel the pain. Nowadays it’s not as painful as it was, but still there is a lot there.
Feeling excluded. Just remembered now that when playing with other kids, they would go home at a certain time to watch cartoons, because they had tv, and I’d remain in confusion and despair that what is this cartoon, and the next day they would talk about it, that would increase my pain. How familiar it is even now! It has recurred in different areas and forms to this day. There were other areas for this exclusion/isolation in childhood too, each half of our relatives were close to each other, and we were somewhere in the middle, nowhere. Actually I have a hard time thinking of even a single period, or place or group of people in my life to feel that I belonged. I have the same feeling about the city, country, and language too.

In childhood with my family, I’d experience anger much more than shame. When there was shame, I’d isolate myself. Anger was mostly related to things that I thought they don’t understand or don’t care, so I’d feel I have a right to be angry. There were times that I’d express it more. I can’t recall feeling ashamed about those ones (Edit: I mean things like my interest in music/art, animals and martial arts for some time, etc. There was shame with other ones, like religion as I mentioned, but the anger was predominant).
Similarly, with the shame that was with friends and other people, because of being from a poor family, my main reaction was isolation, and going to things that I liked and thought that are more valuable than their wealth or whatever, and I’d comfort myself with that, things like art, literature, math.

You are right about shame, that is a big factor here. In recent years I had thought of it mostly as anxiety, but it’s shame. There were a few teachers in elementary and middle school that had asked me to be their assistant in taking exams and things like that, and with their class, I didn’t have problem, but with all of the rest of it in the whole school time, I’d be terrified to go to the front or read something in a class. That was the worst thing that could happen. I’d shake and sweat, and my body would be shaky for few hours after that. That has been better in recent years, but I think the core discomfort is there.

With attachment issues, I usually become attached quickly if I like someone (or something), and when they are not available, at first it turns to anger about why aren’t they available, and if it continues, it becomes grief, which I think now that it’s grief, and shame, for feeling that I don’t deserve to be with them. Not just in romantic relationship. I think it’s related to the scarcity and abandonment mindset, and because of that, I have high potential for addictive behaviors. I can eat the same meal every night for six months and not have a problem! If I like it (feels safe).

-----

I guess I said all of this to say that, yes, the core issues is repressed desire and shame!
Thanks!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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I don't know if you have seen this guy yet, but I really liked his approach toward healing old emotional wounds:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNpSh0vE5Vs

It's good to have a gentle, therapeutic practice like this and have a more direct approach like vipassina meditation. I would do Martinez's approach when I felt very weak and wounded, I would do vipassina (seeing clearly, breaking overwhelming experiences into its components of sensations, urges, emotions, and thoughts) when I was feeling strong.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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 No, I hadn't seen him. I'll check it.
​​​​​​​Thank you.
 
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Friday, October 29, 2021, 1:50 AM

Today except for the first few hours, grief and loneliness was predominant. I’ve tried to examine and observe it. I’ve been talking with a friend every day and when not talking, the grief-loneliness becomes predominant, and when talking, there is worry of loneliness, but I know that this is just the surface. The core feeling just finds an object, a person, to attach to it, to have stories around it. The pattern that has been operating since early years, when my mother was not available and I’d wait for her to come back from shopping or whatever, feeling lonely and desperate.
Because of these emotions, energy level is lower, there is silence in the mind and the eyes often defocus. There has been more lights and color statics in the vision, scattered and vibratory, and a few times I noticed that when reading something, there is expansive-contractive vibrations in the text. Sometimes the vibrations are in the body and visual field simultaneously that gives a feeling of movement. There are small energy currents in the body. Recent days when practicing, specially in bed, intense vibrations arise in left long toe and spreads upward, feeling like electric shock.
Middle-back muscles are painful today, and there is a new one in the left upper arm, they seems to be energetic. Several times I noticed pressure in forehead and left side of the face when focusing on these emotions.
Also recent days when practicing mental images arise of vague creepy faces, images with scary or disgusting theme. Not unpleasant, just interesting.

3:01 AM
Did a sit with holding the emotions in awareness. After a few seconds the field became spacious and mildly pleasant coolness arose in the body, a little later energy currents and energetics pains arose beside the coolness and A few minutes later sleepiness became predominant and I fell sleep. Between sleep and wakefulness I heard a message notification sound and ended the sit, but there wasn’t any message or notification. Emotions became milder after the sit.
There were a few relatively clear voices in the mind, one that I remember was a female voice that said hello, I didn’t know the voice.  When doing fire kasina, I put the candle on a plate, so the after image becomes a dark circle with the bright dot in its center. This sit there was a visual similar to that for some seconds, a dark circle that became bigger, and divided the field into two parts, the center that I normally have color statics was this circle, and a less clear space around it, and in the center of the circle was a vague female face briefly, but I don’t remember the face.

1:19 PM
Last night in bed I tried to relax the body and focus on the emotions, then I focused on relaxation and pleasant sensations if they arise. Fell asleep and at some point I noticed that I “woke up” and it felt like I returned to my body and bed. I noticed the murk is a little bigger and more spacious and there are shadows and dots and lights, and when I focus on it, it becomes much larger like looking at sky, and remembered that this was my experience before waking up that I was flying there. So I focused on it and it became a night’ sky and the body started flying there. It was very interesting and enjoyable, but I don’t remember the details of what was there. This happened a few more times that I felt that I came back to my body and bed and visual field became smaller, and I focused on it again and it became sky and flying. My eyes were half open and sometimes I opened it more. Then I thought, am I awake or asleep? Well I should be awake, I know clearly what is going on. Then I thought, no, I am asleep, but I have awareness of what is going on, because if I was awake, I wouldn’t see these and there would be a different perception of the body and space. For part of it there was bright light in the center, below my nose that went away, then I noticed a white light arising from the left side, as if sun is coming up and it shines into your eyes, and I remembered that Pepe had talked about this in a comment in an older log, that seeing moon or sun in a dream could be an encounter with the light nimita. I don’t remember there was flying after that or not, but when I thought again about being asleep or awake, it started changing. I had the thought that I am asleep and having an experience in the dream-space, and if I think too much about this, it would wake me up, and it caused a little doubt, that I noticed its subtle unpleasantness, and after that the perception of space returned to its default form in about 1-3 seconds. I noticed that I have a more solid perception of the body, bed and room, but still there was a little spaciousness in the murk, I focused on it again but nothing happened like before, and I noticed, okay now I am awake. Previously with flying dreams I wouldn’t feel it in the body, these 1-2 years it happens sometimes, this one I felt it clearly in the body and it was pleasant. Also there was upward moving sensations in the center of the body, like a strong wind pushes the center upward, that caused sexual feelings.
Today so far there seems to be more openness and equanimity with that grief-loneliness.
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Thank you Shargrol for introducing Mario Martinez. It’s brilliant. So interesting and eye-opening.

Friday, October 29, 2021, 10:45 PM

Today for most of the day there was more openness and equanimity with this loneliness-grief, but for some time it became more unpleasant. I was fortunate to have a clear recognition today that unless it gets healed internally, external objects that attach to it, be it people or other things, won’t help. It’s like the body needs antibiotics, but you take another pill just because they both are pills. There was a better analogy in mind, but let’s ignore that one.
For a few hours the colors statics with eyes open were very active, sometimes becoming like a fog in front of me.
I’ll practice only in bed because I need to wake up very early.

Saturday, October 30, 2021, 7:07 AM

Following yesterday’s observations, there was recognition this morning that this loneliness-grief feeling is not any different from the love, passion and compassion, only that when there is clinging and grasping, it becomes unpleasant. They say looking for love in the wrong places, but I think that’s not very accurate. I think it’s looking for love in distorted forms. When there is love and affection toward anything or anyone, it can give joy and warmth as long as I don’t want to own that object. If I borrow from Rumi, there can’t be love if there is a you there. Two aspects of fire. It gives warmth and light, but it also burns.
I think that was what happened with Rumi. He was a respected teacher until Shams showed up. Shams challenged him with a few koans, and destroyed his belief structures. The respected teacher became a desperate student, and he fell in love and devotion with Shams. But Shams let him burn, and then left him. Util at some point Rumi realized that it’s not about Shams, it’s about love.

10:33 PM
It was a few hours that there was higher energetic activity in the body. I did a sit for near an hour, focused mostly on the back, and all of the locations that usually have pain, starting having vibrations and energy currents that spread to the rest of the body too. Heat, tingles, coolness and a few were painful. There has been higher clarity in the center of attention these hours, and I notice now that I type faster and it’s enjoyable to type. Clearly there was some shift in something, that there is pleasant valence in sensation when paying attention.
Also there is movements in the sense of the body and space, specially when paying attention to visuals, sometimes like vertigo. Today I got the second dose of the vaccine, it could be related to that. With first one I had a similar experience for some days.
During this sit I became sleepy, and there was interesting imagery and perceptions. I remembered the last flying dream and I had this thought that there should be an organization to manage this kinds of flights, then I remembered each country has a defence ministry and it’s part of their job. Or I had image of my last meal, some chicken, and images of two big spaces, like a jungle or a mall, and I was mapping each part of the chicken to each part of the space, and it was very natural and reasonable until I noticed what’s going on. They aren't very clear, but it’s interesting that how very different objects and concept fall into one thought, because they share a pattern.
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Sunday, October 31, 2021, 4:43 PM

Since last night there are bright dots in the vision again that then turn to black dots, but those vibratory color statics and purple-violet lights are not present. Not sure, but it seems these two phenomena don’t occur together, I mean bright dots and purple-violet lights.

Monday, November 1, 2021, 1:50 AM

I decided to let work be for tomorrow, then I noticed a kind of restlessness/discomfort that I get sometimes, that feels like my being is scattered and I look for something to gather it together. Looking for feeling of accomplishment and its satisfaction, and wanting it now rather than later, because I can’t trust that I can have it tomorrow, and when not getting it from x, trying y. Scarcity and abandonment mindset. This makes it clearer for me why for all those years I used to stay awake as long as I could and just fall asleep somewhere, because I didn’t have the trust that I could have that satisfaction or whatever tomorrow too.
There is another factor too. That if this is a time that I want/need to rest, there is difficulty accepting it as if I don’t deserve to rest, and with it there is feeling of guilt.
That guilt comes from shame, I had not noticed it clearly before specially with work-related guilt.
Today there have been energy currents in arms and legs and fine-grained vibrations there, also in head, and a hard pain in the sacrum.
With having that discomfort of scatteredness, it becomes difficult to practice with eyes-closed, and I prefer wither to not do sitting practice or do it with eyes-open. This is interesting. I don’t know if it comes from fear or something else.
And I notice guilt in writing these, that if I don’t write it, I am not being true to myself, and if I write it and someone reads it, what would be their judgment.

4:34 AM
Sat for 90 minutes, focused on the body and space and positive valence of sensations. More energetic activity in the early part, some pleasant tingles and coolness and sexual feelings, some heat and energy currents, and a few painful tickling, the one that arose from center of the sole and moved upward was strong, similar to last night in bed. Later sleepiness and the kind of thoughts that seem more abstract, oriented around patterns. There was coldness in some of energetic points and that pain in the sacrum is gone after the sit.
There was higher spaciousness and once it appeared that the whole space is flickering. This has happened a few times in recent days.
When paying attention to relaxation and pleasantness, I caught myself a number of times trying. Instead of just being aware, trying to notice more, and that trying is against having higher tranquility-joy, which I think it comes from feeling guilty of not doing something.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Monday, November 1, 2021, 10:38 PM

Had a difficult day today. It took longer last night to fall asleep, then had difficulty getting up and there were some unpleasant dreams that contributed to that. Last part of the dream it had movements, jumping down stairs and running, but it wasn’t pleasant. These movements in dreams are often pleasant. I wanted to catch a train and there were obstacles to get to it like a pool full of water, and the train left the moment I got there. Things that happened after waking up were similarly unpleasant. I got bad news after bad news, and it caused a lot of anger and frustration. One of those days that nothing works well. Several times I tried to remind myself that none of these are big problems, it’s just my feeling of insecurity that gets triggered. Once or twice that helped and I could have more productivity. Later the energy of anger subsided and it has been sadness and bitterness. Several attempts to do informal practice on mental talks and images, but I forget it quickly. Normally my thoughts are mostly mental images, but today there has been constant mental talks, a big portion of it is narration, as if I write it in a log or talk about it with a friend (fight-mode), although in the last hour there is less, and instead there is heavy silence and lack of energy/motivation (freeze-mode). I am curious to find how a mind-state like this begins and what stages it takes. I had some mindful moments in this process today that was good, I need to remember to have more of that.

Tuesday, November 2, 2021, 7:06 PM

Last night in bed I focused on the breathing body at first. The mind-state was very unpleasant and I was looking for a way to get to relaxation quickly. As I paid attention to breathing, it caused a kind of sadness and disappointment, that I can’t find any resting place or refuge in my current moment experience, because I can’t find any time in it. The past is gone, and actually there is no past, the moment I notice a sensation, it’s gone already, and similarly there is no future, just there is this very movement in the present moment, and there isn’t duration in this present moment. There is only a moment of recognizing a sensation, then gone, then another moment, none of it could be grasped. Like having no place to stand on, but not having a resting place is a better description I think. There is no present moment in a way, because there is no way to solidify it and have a handle on it.
Then I paid attention to relaxation and pleasantness of the touch of my hands on my thighs. There were lots of vibrations and energy currents specially in legs. The vibrations with electric shock arose in the other toes too, not just the long toe. Then there was a dream.

I was somewhere similar to my parents house, and I guess I was trying to sleep there, but two group of people were fighting and killing each other. I knew the first group, but the second group that came later, were strangers. Next scene I helped one of them, someone threw a knife at him, and I pushed him away and saved him, but then I saw he is crying and screaming, without having voice. The knife had cut off all his fingers, but there was no bleeding. He then opened the door and threw a knife at someone’s chest in the living room and killed him. Next scene I woke up in the living room in that house and saw that the first group is gone, and the second group are there, relaxed. Asked them what happened, you killed them all? He said yes, they were from the past. I asked, so you are from the future? He said, yes. Next scene I was flying in a very luxe building, there was a party there, all rich people, mostly looked like Korean. At that point I had gained awareness that I am asleep, this is a dream experience, and in a some kind of realm. And I thought of myself as a being from higher realms that could travel between past and future. The whole thing was at night. Then I was in a street that had a gate and they were checking everyone crossing that gate. After I crossed to the other side, there were a few guys there, that were from the future, and they asked could you handle it without problem? Didn’t they recognize? Because the gate keepers were from the past, and they didn’t recognize we are from future. Continued flying above streets, and among strange building, then entered a very big building, it was an ancient place, like a Persian palace, but very big and I was flying in its central empty space. There were 10-20 wooden wine barrels in the ceiling and also wooden libraries. Also in the center, there was a guy standing, 30-40 years old, like standing in the air. Then I went out and it seemed that I am flying toward stars and galaxies. A few times I was back to my bed and body, and I noticed that the whole body is tingling and vibrating, pleasantly, and the whole space of the murk was vibrating, also there was subtle pleasant feeling with sexual tone. For some seconds I stayed in that state, then noticed that as I notice all these vibrations, it gives a sense of movement, that then speeded up and I was in the sky flying, and the shadows and lights that were in the murk, turned to stars and sky. Then I noticed fractal images in the sky, moving toward me and I was moving toward them. As I focused on each part of the fractal that came closer to me, it expanded and there were more fractal shapes, something like Mandelbrot sequence, very pleasant. Then there was jewel tone colors that then became colored glass cubes, different colors, they were falling on my face from the sky and I felt it on my face, it was cool and pleasant and I was laughing. I guess this was the last part of the flying, and after that I came back to my body and bed, and noticed everything is still vibrating. I focused on the vibrations but it didn’t cause any more movements. I don't remember if I woke up after that, or just lost awareness and went back to sleep. Although I had awareness that this is a dream experience, but this time there wasn’t questioning in the mind about whether I am asleep or awake, it was clear. I just tried to not pay much attention to solidity of the body or room, to not get out of that experience.
With this experience, today I felt having higher hope and confidence.
It seems that for whatever reason my system doesn’t go into the jhanas in wakefulness (at least not easily), but in dream time it finds a way to have jhanic qualities.
I had a very productive day today.
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Wednesday, November 3, 2021, 12:50 AM

Last few hours there is higher energetic activity, a few times without focusing it started moving and causing strong feelings and jerks in the body, then I did 20-30 minutes of practice, it was the same. There was strong pressure in the throat and below the jaw like you press your finger there, and tickling pain in the throat and chest, and other sensations elsewhere. It looks like opening, that energy can spread more easily. There is pleasant valence and higher clarity in the center of attention for a few hours, and the scenes from last dream and a few other similar dreams look very familiar, like it’s a thing that I know how to access it easily, that has a positive feeling. Paying attention causes more vibrations and energetics.

1:58 AM
Did another sit but just fell asleep because of sleep deprivation. Though I am not sure it’s just sleep deprivation, because all the energetics and vibrations are gone and focusing on something doesn’t cause vibrations.

9:27 PM
I was waiting for someone from another company do some technical work that I needed, tonight they showed up and got the thing done. There was a little relief on that, but I noticed I became uncomfortable, specially because it’s night and the person was home probably. There was discomfort that part of me wanted to thank more, to please, the other part (that succeeded) said that you just thanked and that was enough, and the other rebellious part was looking something to complain. I stopped and started paying attention to these. Few seconds after that I noticed sensations on the tale bone and base of spine that started moving and energy currents and vibrations spreading in the body, with a pale violet spot that arose in the vision, and a subtle overall vibration that gives a sense of movements in the body/space. Not sure these were going on before the conversation, but I guess they were absent since the sleepiness of last night.

10:53 PM
It occurred to me now that one reason I keep having flying dreams and meditative experiences in dreams, but not in wakefulness, is that my eyes usually stay half-open during sleep, so there is awareness of the visual space of the room, and specially when it’s at night, focusing on the darkness causes a lot of shadows and movements there, so probably I should experiment with doing some practice on this dark space while keeping myself awake.

Thursday, November 4, 2021, 1:38 AM

Sat for near an hour, awareness of the whole experience with eyes open for the first part, and focus on the upper body with eyes closed for the second part.
Before that, for a few hours examining this mind-state of desire-resentment. The day mostly felt neutral and calm and was productive. Noticing how desire and resentment go together, and when there isn’t an object for them to manifest, there is looking for another object.
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Thursday, November 4, 2021, 2:45 PM

I’ve been observing the guilt-shame complex in interactions, and how there is a tendency to put back the guilt-shame on the other person, to feel relieved from it and from resentment, and it creates manipulative behaviors, specially when both sides have issues with guilt-shame.
There are fine-grained vibrations in the body, I guess since last night.

9:03 PM
Some see hear feel out practice while walking outside.
Also some informal gratitude and self-love practice.
Followed a short guided meditation by Dr. Mario Martinez on empathic joy. There was clear feeling of resentment in the body. Some pain arose, a few in the right side that vanished quickly, and a few on the left side, the pain and pressure in the left side of head/face/ear is still there. A brief movement of energy at the base of spine that startled the body, felt very clearly like a strong stream of water moving. There was pressure on the heart briefly, and one of the painful point in upper back has movements. Since some months ago that I did some practice with John Bradshaw’s work, the tension in my abdomen has lessened. During this short practice I noticed it arose strongly again, and still there is some tension there.
Yesterday and today I’ve done well with keeping my spine straight and not bending forward or to the right. Writing it helps me remember more easily, and this serves as a reminder for me that it’s okay to write it here.

Friday, November 5, 2021, 2:03 AM

The pressure in head went away after a few hours.
A sit for 80 minutes, practicing empathic joy similar to the guided practice by Martinez on this subject. Earlier part lots of energetics and vibrations, energy currents from solar plexus and throat etc. The concentration was shallow, but things started moving. The electric-shock vibrations from left long toe were very painful, also the tickling pain from the center of the soles, both moving upward in legs. I had much less uncomfortable feelings compared to previous sit, and had easier time with it, so I added to the intensity of imagined situations. A few times a sense of movement similar to flying dreams. Good relaxation and then sleepiness. Very sleepy toward the end, and once I heard a female voice loudly in the mind that said hello, the voice had echo and it was unfamiliar. Also there was a click sound once, this had not happened for some weeks I guess.
Yesterday I noticed a feeling quality in the spine that felt like there is wind in energetic points that is pushing outward. Haven’t notice it today.
shargrol, modified 21 Days ago.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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I'm enjoying reading your reports. Seems like your body-mind is becoming more alive. emoticon
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Thank you Shargrol emoticon
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Yeah that last report is Dhamma Rock'n'Roll emoticon Music my bro, music of the Dhamma is playing out emoticon Keep dancing, keep grooving! 

​​​​​​​Best wishes Siavash! 
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 Hey Papa Che,
Thank you emoticon

Yes, it's great to have music and dance together emoticon .
​​​​​​​Best wishes to you as well!
 
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Friday, November 5, 2021, 2:50 PM

In bed focused on the space and breathing body. Some pleasant vibrations and tingles in lower body. My eyes were half-open and the visual field had become spacious and lava-like, but then a mosquito showed up and I had to cover my face. Had a dream with an old friend, I had done something wrong that had ended our friendship many years ago. Woke up having sadness. There was a lot of vibrations in both shoulder blades, like something is drilling there, slightly pleasant. Both sadness and vibrations were gone a little later.
For many years that I’ve been struggling with procrastination and stagnation, usually for things that I need to do, there is worry and fear of doing and not-doing it, so it leads to none-doing. In recent days and weeks I notice another quality with some of the needed things, that when there is something I should do, I get restlessness that I have to do this and if I don’t, it’ll become a source of frustration, and that restlessness causes me to do it before its needed time. It increases productivity. Although it’s a different kind of reactive behavior, but it’s much much better than the other one.

7:26 PM
It’s been a few hours that the grief or despair has been back, though it’s not predominant or dense, so I’ve been able to work and be productive.
Today more energetic activity around the navel, now it has burning in its left side. As I write, I noticed similar burning with pressure in other parts too. Also there has been severe pain in right side of the back and rib-cage that seems to be related to energetics.

Saturday, November 6, 2021, 2:10 AM

It’s been some hours that insect-crawling sensations arise, but mostly in new locations and with a quality that almost all of them I’ve mistaken them for an actual insect. The grief has been there, I guess partly because a friend is struggling with difficult emotions and we can’t do much about it.
There is pleasant valence in touch and sight sensations.

4:31 AM
Sat for near two hours, focused on the body and space since I didn’t know what to practice, then focused on the painful parts of the back and breath sensations there. Forgot the details.., Some of the pains started moving and there was energy currents and sexual feelings, but after the electric shock arose in the left long toe, it settled down and I became sleepy and the mind was locked onto a perception of changing the pain into energy currents and couldn’t get out of it for a while.
Early part there wasn’t distractions, but later mental auditory narration turned into a distraction with some aversion to it.
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Saturday, November 6, 2021, 1:40 PM

Today there was a problem at work that brought up a lot of emotions. Another team had done some changes that had caused a problem for our systems, but usually with such situations the blame is on everyone, and that made me angry and frustrated. I started observing it, and noticed how it’s related to shame, feeling judged, so feeling insignificant, and that brings anger and wanting to rebel, complain and explode on someone. From the 3 archetypal wounds that Martinez talks about, shame abandonment and betrayal, shame and abandonment were there. Later started feeling insecure, and noticed how when talking with my colleague and discussing with them that let’s go there together, I felt more secure. I’ve been doing this work for almost two decades, and sometimes it feels like it’s the first time I want to do it!

Sunday, November 7, 2021, 12:12 AM

Sat for a short practice, and immediately I remembered the dreams that I had. In one there was clear and beautiful sky and clouds, open space and horizon, vivid, then I noticed doubt, and a thought that conveyed something like, just enjoy it and don’t think about whether it’s a dream or not because it will make it go away, then the scene faded away. There was brief flying, and similarly I noticed that flying power faded away quickly. Then I was laughing at something, and gained some awareness of the body and bed and noticed that I am laughing (“physically”).

There was an interesting thing now. Reading something, I wanted to search a word, but instead of typing it, I got a feeling that I want to manifest that intention with my hands, but physically in the outer space, and not as typing, then the mind became locked for 30-40 seconds, as I was trying to remember what I wanted to do and could’t think of anything.

12:06 PM
There was an interesting flying-like dream today. My mother was taking me somewhere, probably to my high school, but we were on a motorcycle and she was riding it, but we were moving 40-50 feet above the ground, and it looked pretty natural and ordinary! I am always faced with the question that whether the scenes in dreams are completely constructed imaginations, or they are a mix of other scenes from memory. In another dream there was a scene in a house, after waking up I brought to mind all the of houses that I knew, and none of them had that spot, but it felt very familiar. Then I noticed that it was a mix of several places in different houses.

9:44 PM
The unpleasant emotions that I had yesterday (after a problem at work) continued today, and they became more unpleasant. Literally feeling cold because of insecurity. There were other flavors too, despair, worry, anger and frustration. Tried to pay attention for a few times, but there was aversion to it, like it’s painful to focus on something. When going to work I tried see hear feel out, but either I forgot or it felt unpleasant so I stopped. Then I started repeating some prayers in the mind, and there wasn’t aversion to that one. Working and then fixing that problem gave some space and the unpleasantness decreased, but still there is some sadness and bitterness, and the abdomen is tense.

Monday, November 8, 2021, 12:03 AM

Received a comment from my friend about the reports that I send to him, although I am satisfied with the process and see it’s progressing, but his evaluation was different than mine, and that caused a lot of unpleasantness. He has the best of intentions and I am grateful for him eternally, but still it felt very unpleasant to have a inaccurate judgment. The same feelings that I had yesterday. Feeling hurt and not being understood. Part of me likes to cry, but the other part with bitterness and resentment kills that tenderness. Memories come to mind from decades ago, when I was judged by my family and felt hurt. It seems that this toxic shame and feeling judged is the most unpleasant thing for me. It’s the cause of my procrastination. I haven’t had much issues with eating food for several weeks, but these two days I’ve some resistance.
This feels very much like earlier today, aversion to paying attention, the mind can not tolerate focusing. It seems like distorted void element.
BTW, I’m not sure this is feeling shamed or betrayed.

3:11 AM
Sat for over an hour with the intention to focus on pleasant vedana. A few times there was increase of pleasant tingles, but I became very sleepy and fell asleep parts of it.

-- Edit:
​​​​​​​After the sit the unpleasantness is mostly gone. Interesting how a sleepy sit affected the body-mind.​
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Monday, November 8, 2021, 5:51 PM

Again I have resistance to making food and eating it. I need to remind myself how I’ve dealt with it before. Just get up, don’t think what would happen next, don’t think what you should do, and just let the body move.

10:01 PM
Applied the above guideline and got up, and started cooking. Then I noticed anxiety and shakiness in the body. Don’t know if it was related to cooking or anything else. I notice previous patterns of resistance to working, and a mix of indifference and anxiety. I should be careful not to let it take over, just by stopping and seeing the whole picture, taking small steps, and letting go of obsession about performance. Not sure, but I guess resistance to making food comes from a fear, that what would happen if I start it, but couldn’t finish doing it. It’s the same with working, fear of not doing it right, or not being able to continue. Perfection.
Did another thing that I was resisting it, but haven’t been able to do the working. Today I’ve had headache since waking up, it could be related to emotions, there was pressure in the jaw earlier.
Now I noticed worrying and criticizing myself about the work, but I should remember that before doing that, it’s better to acknowledge and appreciate the ones that I’ve done.
It seems that the headache could be related to energetics or emotions. As I started typing, vibrations arose there, and now there is pressure moving around in the head and face.

Tuesday, November 9, 2021, 2:22 AM

I notice that first guilt and shame arises, and it’s unpleasant, sometimes the unpleasantness leads to action and one sequence of events begin, but other times there is just unpleasantness without outer consequences, then it repeats, so there is more unpleasantness, and the body-mind loses its tolerance for this unpleasantness, it becomes indifferent, ignores or hides it, but the indifference kills motivation and interest and joy.

There is some kind of dizziness for some hours, it’s like the body and space is not solid and have little movements. At first I thought it’s maybe related to the vaccine, along with the headache, because I had similar feelings with the first vaccine too. Don’t know, but that too could be related to energetics.
I am thinking of how much energy and space is used/wasted when one is worried about something. Space is the first victim!
Sometimes I think a one good practice that could be something like: Add a little more space to whatever that is happening, expand the space, notice the space. Something like that.

6:49 PM
I don’t know what is going on or what was the cause that today similar to yesterday I had a lot of difficulty getting up. Last night I didn’t sit to be able to sleep earlier, and just practiced in bed, but today it took 6-7 hours after first waking up to be able to get up. There were many relatively unpleasant dreams, and there was a distorted perception of the body as if it’s unable to get up and doesn’t have the strength. When practicing in bed, there were energy currents everywhere in the body. There is sadness and disappointment. There is lack of appetite and resistance to eating and doing things.
It’s been a few hours that there is shakiness in the body. For some minutes it increased and I noticed the right side of the abdomen is shaking wildly. It was unexpected. The center of the abdomen is painfully tense.

Wednesday, November 10, 2021, 12:52 AM

Today I had very little motivation, and quiet sadness and disappointment were predominant. I had no interest in eating, but forced myself to do it and ate some, but didn’t start working, and had difficulty deciding to stay awake and work, or go to bed with the worry of not being able to get up, finally decided to go to bed. I had that headache for some time, but it was very mild. Now I noticed it’s arising again, and I noticed pressure moving around in the head and face.
It seems that there is resistance to posting these reports too and they become longer.
That shakiness in the body is still there, and I don’t understand it. Also there is intense throbbing in left thigh. There is pain in fingers, similar to previous times when there was sadness-despair. Visuals sometimes vibrate, like there is movements in “solid” objects. There are more painful points along the spine today. It feels forceful and uncomfortable to pay attention, but I’ll do practice in bed, to try to find some space.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Wednesday, November 10, 2021, 12:00 PM

Last night in bed I set intention to get up easily, then I focused on the body and mainly on pains that were in both sides of rib-cage and back, First there was more pains in fingers, toes and skull, then it turned to mostly vibrations. tingles, and then the electric-show flavored vibrations from both long toes, and also from right hip. It reminded me that the night before it was the same and the electric shock arose from right hip. Both times it felt very uncomfortable as if I stop breathing for a moment, and a few times each fora few seconds it felt like a panic attack. I reminded myself that it has passed before and it’ll pass this time too, and it passed. But after that, they subsided and it was mostly tingles. At some point there was orgasm-like feelings. Similar to previous night, I had kept the eyes open, and 1-2 times there was feeling of movement similar to dreams. All dreams were about family I think.
Again it felt difficult to get up, the body felt very sleepy, but after 1.5 hours I forced myself to keep the eyes open and get up. It seems that the body needs to sleep, but I have bills to pay.
The field became very spacious during that practice, and that felt good.
The mind-state is relatively calm and neutral. That wild shaking sometimes happen in the abdomen.

8:55 PM
Today I haven’t had much resistance like the last 2-3 days. I could eat, work and go out. Although there were some difficulties that made me tired and frustrated, but I could continue. I wonder what makes the difference that one day there is higher tolerance for difficulties but another day there isn’t. One difference is that yesterday I had less hope, but the question remains, why? I’am just emphasizing the question to remember it. The answer may come some day, or may not.

10:39 PM
Did some informal practice focusing on the body. Attention was relatively effortless, although I noticed some pressure or tension in the core of the body as a result of focusing. That needs to be relaxed. There is positive valence in the center of attention. Glad this today there was a break in this episode of unpleasant emotion. It’s okay if they show up again today or tomorrow, once it breaks, it can break again.
I notice now two different quality in the experience. One is the collectedness with pleasant valence, that feels mostly in the central line in front of the body. The other feels like despair, it seems like sensations moving from trachea to the throat and face, and give the impression of, ‘ah who cares’. I’d describe the first one as bright, and the second one as dim. First is warm, second is cold. First is homogeneous, collected and spacious, second is contracted and dense. I should investigate how much of these descriptions come from mental images.

Thursday, November 11, 2021, 2:28 AM

Sat for 90 minutes, started by focusing on pleasantness, got some relaxation, but the pain in upper back pain was getting most of the attention, so I focused on it and used Rob Burbea’s suggestions to dissolve it. It moved back and forth from the center to the right a number of times. There were other pains and energetics, sexual feelings, tingles etc. At one point I noticed the abdomen relaxed and at the same time the back pain was almost gone. Later the electric-shock flavored vibrations arose from left toes, but unlike usual that they arise once and that’s a release, they kept arising for some minutes. After this release, the pains subsided and mildly pleasant coolness arose in legs, then fine-grained vibrations spread to most of the body and gave a feeling similar to the one I had before having flying dream some days ago, like the body-space is subtly moving, melting, morphing. Then I became sleepy, and there was another round of energetics that took me out of sleepiness. It felt like something hit my teeth. After the sit the back pain came back, but so far it’s mild.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Thursday, November 11, 2021, 1:56 PM

Last night in bed I stayed awake longer and practiced, on the body. There were pleasant vibrations in legs that seemed like I have control over them that I spread them to the entirety of legs, also sexual feelings and electric shocks. The back and rib-cage pain moved around for a while, and it seemed that it’s related to the tension in back and abdomen. Strange dreams about family. Good things had happened to family members and I was glad about that, but after waking up I noticed that there were “negative” things too, like a health issue with one (no such an issue outside the dream), or being upset from a behavior from another. It felt like I have issues with just feeling good for them, and the mind creates an imaginary problem beside that good thing.
Had less problem with getting up. Two groups of urges, one encourages me to do things, the other is pulling back, and goes to indifference and despair. Reminding myself that it’s not difficult to start doing something, and it’s okay to start it, I just have to start it and not think about what happens next. And it’s okay to not enjoy doing it, or not feel good about doing it.
Today less pain in the upper back and rib-cage, more vibrations in right shoulder blade, and pain in the base of spine.

3:58 PM
Did a few things that I was resisting. Reminded myself that it’s okay to feel bad or not good about starting it, doing it, and not feel good after doing it. This is very important for me to remember. There is an element of overwhelm here. When there are more than 1-2 pending things, at least sometimes, the mind can’t decide which one to do or how to do, so it goes to despair and non-doing. What has worked is this: Just pick one, doesn’t matter which one, and start doing, doesn’t matter with what quality, just take an action, and ignore all the rest of it.

I was thinking about working, then thought that I should set some limits for activities that are not necessary, and immediately I noticed positive valence and hope, but the other one showed up quickly too, despair. Two mind-states are competing, one sees life and experience as interesting, enjoyable, hopeful and positive, the other sees it as not interesting, hopeless and unpleasant. I should watch to see what conditions give rise to each one of them. Then I remembered that I had thought before, that there is a lack of earth element. Lack of structure, stability, firmness and healthy pride. Lack of structure gives insecurity, or when there is a structure, but something happens that threatens that structure.

5:31 PM
Ok, I noticed another thing. While watching a video, I noticed that I don’t do it comfortably and don’t enjoy it, because I am worried about the next thing that I should do, because I can’t trust that if I decide to do x at time t, I’ll do it. Cure should be to define small steps, but try to fulfill them. Now then next step is that I’ll start the work at 6:00 PM. Now, let’s relax for 26 minutes.

9:39 PM
I didn’t relax that 26 minutes! I was checking the clock every minutes, and I wanted to start the work before 6:00, but I forced myself to wait until 6, and after starting it, I wanted to get out of it. Of course this kind of thing is frustrating, but now more than anything, it’s interesting to watch the attraction and aversion. Before starting I focused on the body for some minutes and there was stable attention and spaciousness. I pushed myself to work for a few hours, and eat and wash dishes.
I try to maintain awareness of back and abdomen, and these pains and energy currents have more movements from one place to another.

Friday, November 12, 2021, 12:40 AM

Sat for 75 minutes and focused on the body, mainly on pains in the middle back and rib-cage. I am almost certain that they are caused because of blocks and tensions related to energetics and emotions. Main ones are at the level of solar plexus energetic center, the other ones are at the level of heart center. There were changes in the intensity and locations of the pain. Later part more energy currents and some vibrations in legs. It was interesting that I didn’t become sleepy. A few times there was intense shaking in the abdomen.
Last several hours there is stronger urge to pay attention and let attention penetrate sensations, and as a result, higher clarity and stability in attention. It seems that there is a desire, a discomfort in the core of my being, that wants to solve something, or get something, or get rid of something.

We will call this log-therapy!
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Friday, November 12, 2021, 2:22 PM

Continued practice in bed. Usual stuff. Energy currents, vibrations and back pain. Some street fight dreams. After 7 hours of good sleep I woke up, and forced myself to get up, but it felt like taking meet out of a cat’s mouth. The body really needed to sleep, but I thought it’s better to maintain the structure, and sleep is the most important part of having a structure for life. The mind-state has been relatively calm or neutral. Left leg and right shoulder blade constantly have vibrations. Made food without having a thought or plan about it, just started doing it and thought let’s see what happens, and that was very good. I should practice resting and enjoying things without worrying about the next things that I should do. I really find it difficult to rest, not always but often.
First part of the practice in bed I focused on change in all sense doors and it caused lots of tingles, and energy currents around perineum and lower back and base of spine. Later I think there was flying dreams, but I forgot.
I think the fear and worry about work comes from this thought; What if someone said you didn’t do it well. I should do some disapproval practice.
Oh I remembered. For some minutes in bed I focused on lower back, and there were sharp pains mixed with burning, also strong pain in rib-cage, all very painful, that made me worried of continuing that focus. It also caused intense shaking and throbbing in abdomen, arms and legs. But I continued and they subsided.

10:15 PM
Did some informal practice following Ken’s The Warrior’s Solution Passivity and Freedom series, then followed a guided practice from it that uses a power symbol and meets a memory from the past. Once in childhood a relative gave a gift and asked me to take it back to my family. No one from the family was there and I felt very helpless, I was sitting there and my eyes were looking down, I became frozen and couldn’t say a word to thank them. Some time passed and after that they said it again, that this is for you…, but I couldn’t say anything again, and they got upset and said, hey I am talking to you.., but I couldn’t get out of that frozenness and move a muscle, I don’t remember what happened next. During this practice, this memory came to mind, and following the instruction, I did what I had to do there. When I imagined entering that scene, I burst into tears and felt the loneliness and helplessness of that kid and felt compassion for him. I felt a clear sense of relief after that. In the last part that he says light shines and become so bright.., it felt very good and I just wanted to pour light from my being into anything that could shine. There was relaxation and stability and I sat in that for some minutes, it felt good.

Thanks for recommending this series Shargrol. I had not listened to this one before.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

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Saturday, November 13, 2021, 12:12 PM

The numbers have decided to play again! emoticon

Last night before going to bed I did some informal practice with Shinzen’s Auto-Think, focusing on the mind space and noting mental talks and images, then continued that in bed. For maybe half an hour there were all kinds of thoughts and memories, that usually only show up when focusing exclusively on the mind-space. Most of the memories were from situations that there was discomfort about something. Later it settles down, and there were occasional thoughts popping up. It was interesting how this technique affected the body. There wasn’t gross energetics, only fine-grained vibrations, and mostly in lower abdomen and pelvic, but the moment I focused on the body, the gross ones arose again.
Because of focusing on the mind-space, the murk looked bigger for a while, somewhat like looking at sky from a small window.
Before waking up I had a few dreams that I was in hospital, the injected a vaccine, but with some cruelty, and then they were taking my blood. Once or twice I gained awareness that this is a dream and I thought why I have these dreams, is it because there is pain in my right arm or what. Had a long sleep but still the body didn’t want to get up.  Not sure this higher need for sleep is related to chemicals or mind-states or what.

9:55 PM
Today it was quite productive. There was less thinking, worrying about starting the work, so I started it earlier and was able to work more. Although now I notice despair arising, but that’s okay. Every time that I have a productive day, despair arises, because I think when there is less productivity, there is worry and insecurity, but with high productivity they don’t have a chance to arise, but probably a thought-stream arises saying; so what, is this what you were looking for to be satisfied?; And I think that’s okay too.

Sunday, November 14, 2021, 12:42 AM

Followed the same guided meditation from Ken that I used yesterday, let’s call it “claiming your power” practice. It didn’t bring too much emotions this time. I used a memory, that I liked to do something but I hesitated because of the fear of judgment and didn’t do it and then regretted it. There was a little sadness when entering the scene, and after doing what I was supposed to do, there was a smile in my face.
Now pain arose in the left side of chest, there was some pain in the chest yesterday too after this practice. Probably it’s because of paying attention to energetic centers.
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Sunday, November 14, 2021, 11:11 PM

Practiced Auto-Think in bed. There were less thoughts and more bodily energetics and pains this time. I tried to focus on the sense of solidity in visual space and investigate it, that how it comes mostly from the memory of touch sensations and not from the visuals. Long sleep again and difficulty getting up.
Today had much less resistance about working and started it relatively easily. There have been a few issues, some related to work, that have caused a lot of anger and resentment. Being productive at work wasn’t enough to prevent this sense of bitterness, sadness and insecurity. I notice that I bend forward and to the right more today, I don’t know if it’s related to insecurity. Unlike yesterday there is more pain in the right side of back and rib-cage. Last 1-2 hours I notice coldness in the base of spine and a few other energetic points, like ice-water touch feeling. Also there is more vibrations in the tip of left long toe. Don’t have the interest and motivation for eyes-closed sitting practice. I’ll try to do some eyes-open I guess.

Monday, November 15, 2021, 11:49 AM

Last night some informal practice before bed, then in bed tried to relax the body and focused on relaxation. I set some intentions to not let worries and thoughts about other people enter the mind, and to reserve this time for myself to rest and enjoy. Quickly after starting, there was ice-water coldness, mildly pleasant, in all painful points in the upper and middle back that was interesting. Paying attention to the relaxation and tingles in hands and legs caused them to increase, also created strong pain in right fingers, then in left finger tips, then some intense vibrations with electric shocks and it settled down after that. There were similar coldness in tendons, and a feeling like coldness or a cold water moving in some places, in sacrum and right ear etc. I guess I fell asleep, and at some point I gained awareness and noticed I am in my bed and there are gross sensations in my chest while breathing, as if the central part of torso has been tied with a chain or rope, and with each breath there was a strong pressure in solar plexus that felt like is pushing it outward. I don’t know if there was actual upward movement or not. I think I was asleep, but the awareness remained, then I thought this sensations in solar plexus are energetics so let’s focus on the whole space of the room, and I expanded the visual focus, and 1-2 seconds later I noticed the body started moving and flying toward the other end of the room. The room was bigger than my actual room and was similar to a older house, and I went toward entrance door. The rest of the house and building looked like that old house. I passed through the door and reached the building wall and window. Before passing through that, I thought, this seems like a realm experience, but I don’t want to encounter a dead city again, and I want to see people when I enter the street. Then I entered the wall, but the scene became murky and all shapes faded away and it was just darkness and gray statics. Remained there for a few seconds, then I noticed nothing happens when I expand the focus. There was a shift in perception of space and I was awake after that and noticed the same darkness is there, but smaller and like wakefulness.
I could get up easily this morning after 5-6 hours of sleep. The body feels sleepy but it feels good that I got up early. I don’t see much resistance about working, and that’s good. There is resentment about a few issues, but that’s okay.
I try to adjust the brightness of light, the same way Andrew Huberman recommends, hope to remember to do it every day.
Today I feel more sensations (energetics-pains) in the point where Ken refers to as water center, half-way between navel and solar plexus.

7:16 PM
Today there have been energy currents in the whole body without intentional focus. Also a sense of movement or waviness in visual space, or mini-momentary vertigo. A pain in the back of the head that seems energetic. More activity around solar plexus. And last 1-2 hours lots of color statics and lights and shadows, those expanding-contracting purple lights. Don’t know if it’s related to sleep deprivation or not. It’s some minutes that restlessness has arisen in both legs, uncomfortable, and very much like what I had before starting meditation. This was unexpected.

Tuesday, November 16, 2021, 12:54 AM

Relatively comfortable day. Could work well. Not much uncomfortable emotions or bodily pain. Just the right side of back and rib-cage, but it also had lots of energy currents and vibrations.
Singles dots keep arising, white and black, but very bright.
Did some informal open awareness practice, then sat and focused on relaxation, but there was an interrupt for a conversation which was important, so I turned that to a practice object with noting see hear feel, to not go to bed too late. For over half of the conversation I forgot the practice.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2021, 3:27 PM

While practicing in bed, there were energetics in torso that affected a dream. There were intense throbbing in legs, the tickling pain in the soles and I think in the base of spine, and it felt like a finger touched lower abdomen that startled the body. In the dream I was in my friend’s house, his guest was pressing the sides of rib-cage with her fingers, those were the painful points (Noticed before and after waking up). Then I lied down to sleep and it felt cold, but before falling asleep my friend came and hugged me from back to make me feel warm, and that felt very good, but it was strange because it was totally unexpected from him. Then I woke up, and realized that it was a dream, but I still could feel the touch sensations clearly in the body as if he is there, also there was a breathing sound coming from back that I didn’t understand what it is. My in-breath was loud but out-breath not, with each breath, just after finishing my in-breath, the sound arose from the back as if it’s someone’s in-breath, but I noticed when I breathe longer it becomes longer, when shorter it’s shorter, the arc of sound was similar to my in-breath, like a close copy that played after my in-breath. It was weird. Also in that period, with each in-breath there were itchy tingly vibrations spreading in the lower back and hips, that was pleasant.
Since last night there are painful points in skull. Today sometimes vibrations arise there.
There was urge for music, and listening to it caused strong feelings and whole-body vibrations.
Long sleep and lots of difficulty getting up. There is sadness because of that, also because of other issues I guess.

Wednesday, November 17, 2021, 12:55 AM

The rest of the day was difficult, uncomfortable emotions, and the pain in right ribs became stronger. Flavors of anger, resentment, sadness and despair. I’ve been paying attention to them, but last 2-3 hours I started to cultivate self-worth, and gratitude, openness and empathic joy, and the unpleasantness decreased. I need to remind myself over and over to cultivate gratitude, self-care and self-worth and empathic joy. Listened to Martinez and that helped with opening the space.

11:55 AM
Didn’t sit last night, and practiced longer in bed. In the first round I focused on the whole space, then on the arising-passing in all sense doors. It brings higher concentration, so the energetics became crazy, starting with sharp pains in spine like it’s on a nail, then it spread to whole body, and currents in the spine that were different from the usual one that is neutral to pleasant, this one was like a painful pressure with upward movement. They startled the body a number of times. The second round I focused on the relaxations and pleasantness, and it was the same. The other day that energetic points had coldness, this time they had this sharp pain. I guess they subsided after I became sleepy.
Got up easier than yesterday. The body is still in high need for sleep. I see more clearly how resentment is poisoning my life. I notice it much more quickly and clearly, and I notice that’s one of the main things that I’ve learned from the environment in early years, people demanding more attention, respect, care and kindness from each other, and usually/always(?) resentful toward each other. Visually it seems to me very much like poisoning, or like dirt comes and pollutes brightness. It usually finds an object, either me or others, and it puts guilt on one of them, rebelling against the shame with guilt and anger.
These two days there are more energetics in the head and face. Mostly pressure in temples and forehead and pain in the back of the head.
About motivation to do things that I need to do, I had come to this conclusion that first I should be strict about the structure of the day, with the most important part being sleep, and try to maintain it at all cost, and then I’ll find whatever I need to do, and last night I heard Martinez saying the exact same thing, that say to yourself that I’ll wake up at t and do it, then look and see what inspires you.
Resentment gives this impression that I want something badly, but when untangled a bit, I notice that no, I don’t want it that much, and actually I may not want it at all, and if I get it, I may not like it and abandon it. It’s a game formed around attachment and abandonment.
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 Thursday, November 18, 2021, 3:31 PM

In bed, I focused on the mental visual space, and for a while noticed the many arisings of mental impressions and images. Again the energetics became intense, especially in the left side of the body, and it was interesting how they arose. There were small painful points, like burning or prickling, but it was like they are connected with a less painful line of sensations, one in the lower mid-thigh, one in mid-hip, one in mid-back. Once they spread over the heart and it caused a little worry. The other interesting thing is, these kinds of pains, no matter how intense they get, they usually don’t bother at all, but the moment there is emotionality, it becomes bothersome.
It happens sometimes that in the period of falling asleep and waking up, I hear something like a car passing, like in each second there is a sound like you are in a road and you noticed a car passed very fast. Last night I noticed this again, but got curious, is it sound or image? I noticed I hear a sound, but each time the visual pointer in the mind points to a different location, and also the shape of the sound changes. Then I thought maybe these are just lower-layer thoughts that are more primitive.
Long sleep again today. It seems that the body-mind goes into a kind of paralysis, that the body doesn’t get up, and perceptually I think that I am not able of getting up.
There is this pressure-like tingling in the back like the whole area is made of several pieces, and they are tied to each other, and one vibrates and causes pressure and vibrations in the others. Frequently there are vibrations, arising from the middle back and spreading to the whole body.

11:38 PM
I am facing some difficulties in my work. Some old conflicts between companies that we were hoping they could find a resolution, but it seems like a dead-end, and I’ll probably have to change my job. That creates lots of uncomfortable emotions. I notice that when I let the emotions lead, then I feel helpless and powerless, and it affects the body and posture quickly and it goes to a contracted state. When I straighten the spine and focus on my abilities, it brings more openness and power. There will be a transition period, and I’ll need a lot of reminders to do it right. I haven’t looked for a new job in over 15 years, and opportunities have found me, so I don't feel comfortable doing that after all these years.

Friday, November 19, 2021, 1:29 AM

In nature, what I like the most, is places that have big open spaces and you can see the horizon, so I usually prefer an open field to a jungle. Also, I like places that there is some open space in the middle, surrounded by trees. I think these two types of images impact how I experience emotions. I notice that when I feel more safe and hopeful, there is one of these images as the perception of time and space, especially with the hope that correlates with the perception of openness in the time-space, when feeling hopeless, the space-time shrinks, and it feels uncomfortable to perceive openness. That is one of the reasons I have started to pay more attention to mental image space these few days because I think a lot of these perceptions are related to how this body-mind interprets mental images.

I’ve concluded that what follows is a good solution for me to get my life together, although a lot of times I forget and slip back to old patterns: Do small, or short self-care activities, and do them regularly. When you don’t have the motivation to do them, just do them mechanically and don’t expect to like what you do. And don’t do more than what you have defined for a day, and leave that for the next days.
Following that, last few days I’ve resumed doing physical exercises, and today I started having a short period of study on a specific subject, with the intention to do it daily. Hope to remember and continue. 
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Friday, November 19, 2021, 5:05 PM

Practiced focusing on mental images in bed, I don’t remember much what happened. There was much less energetics, and concentration was shallower. Had some uncomfortable dreams that we were arrested by some security service and I was thinking that I’ll never have any freedom again.

I needed to do something but I notice resistance, then I thought ok, just do it mechanically, but resistance remained. Then I thought, do you like to have it done? The answer was yes, so just let the body move. That had a better result.
Then I noticed a shocking thing (I have noticed this before but have forgotten), that a big part of why I resist these activities, is because deep down I think that I should do them for others, and I don’t want to do that anymore. But when I think that I do them for myself, and I do them to enjoy and be satisfied, it changes. It becomes more meaningful.

Saturday, November 20, 2021, 4:17 PM

Last night the experience was poisoned by resentment, guilt, and insecurity, not pleasant. I didn’t sit so I stayed awake longer in bed and practiced. There was tension in the abdomen and solar plexus that made breathing difficult and unpleasant. For a while focused on change, then doubted what should I practice, but then wanted to fall asleep but there wasn't sleepiness. Tried to let distractions in to have less awareness, but it didn’t work. At last, I tuned into sleepiness, and let go of wanting to fall asleep. This caused strong energetics, but I fell asleep. There were many strange dreams, lions that were mating, mad dogs the size of a tiger chasing me, gunfights, etc.
In one of them, a famous nature documentary producer said that they are going to make a film about boars, and I said to him, yeah I have these dreams that I see 4 boars, but it seems they are people, and then they all leave the land. He said yeah, we are looking for them because they are gone. Then a boar cub was there and it had grabbed my finger and wanted to cut it. It was very painful and I felt it clearly in the body. I wanted to free my finger but I couldn’t. Also, there was something that was kicking the testicles from the back. These were energetics that I perceived them that way. In another one, I was in an old friend’s house. It was a smart house in a village in a desert. Very strange place, like the hidden land that ultra-rich people go there to have fun. We went for a walk in that village, it was night, but something pulled me up into the air, something like the flying dreams, but it was different, and I woke up and noticed the experience, but it didn’t go away. The force became stronger, one was pulling me up into the sky, another was pushing me up from the bottom. I tried to move slowly but the force was much stronger with clear sensations in the body. I guess it was pleasant and frightening. I could see the village from above, then a voice started talking, saying that there are evil forces in this world, and they are governing the world, remember that guy died a few years ago, it was a fight between these forces. Then the voice said, the king of this village has intended to be the most bloodthirsty king in history. As I went above, I had doubts about where should I focus, on the village or sky, but then I came back to my bed. The energetics that I felt in the whole dream, became much stronger. It felt like something, an animal or a being, had grabbed me, my hands and feet while kicking testicles from the back, and I couldn’t free my body. I felt like an evil force is trying to possess my body. After several failures, I thought, I’ll gather all my strength, also I can set intentions, I’ll set the intention to make this force go away. And I did and after that, I could move the pains and pressures faded away. Before that, I guess I was thinking, and maybe saying to this force, that show me your face if you dare. There was a heavy feeling after waking up, and for 30-40 minutes there were goosebumpy vibrations in the body.
It took a long time to get up today. I had alarms going on every 5 minutes for several hours, each time I turned it off but couldn’t get the body up. It was like it is stuck to the ground with that heavy sleepiness discomfort in the body. I was thinking no one deserves to feel like this.

hmm, now that I think about it, all the imagery in that village, the contrast between desert and those houses, the dogs and the king, all were symbolic.
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RE: Siavash's Practice Log 8

Posts: 1441 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent Posts
 Monday, November 22, 2021, 2:41 AM

These 2-3 days I’ve been feeling terrible because of the situation at work. Filled with anger and resentment. Although they have apologized and said that they are going to do what they needed to do, but that hasn’t helped me with these emotions. Last night it affected the body, with headache and then other feelings in the body that started to become like a panic attack. I did some informal practice focusing on sights and sounds and tried to make it less severe. In bed, I intended to relax and enjoy the resting and relaxation, but there were strong energetics and pains all over the body until I fell asleep. It’s the same today especially with the headache and pain in the fingers. I notice that this was the feeling that I used to have since childhood when I wanted something but didn’t get it. It’s like all those situations come to mind, and they all resonate with the current situation. I don’t like what I see, but I know that I have a lot of work to do. It’s like everywhere is filled with poison. I had not felt this way for some years, and the intensity of feeling kind of surprised me.
I’ve defined some self-care activities to do each day, and I’ve forced myself to do them, to not let the negativity take over. I’ve learned some lessons in the course of what happened these few weeks, about self-esteem and managing my financials and relationships. I hope to remember and use them.

Tuesday, November 23, 2021, 12:41 AM

These few days that I am facing challenges with my work and financials, I notice that I should prioritize my time and energy, and what I notice is that the weakest part is the first victim, which is the structure of the day and sleep. I had reached some stability in that regard in the last few weeks, but last few days I lost it. So I’ve decided that my priority should be maintaining that structure, meaning the sleep time, and also doing the self-care activities that I have for a day, and after that comes work and practice, because, without them, I lose all of it, but when maintaining the structure, although I may lose work and practice for a few days or not do them more, after a few days I can do all of them. That is the main lesson. That no matter what happens, I will care for myself and do things that benefit me, because my value comes from myself and not from people and externalities.
Although I practice usually for an hour or more in bed, there is some guilt when I don’t sit. But that’s not more important than the structure. I need to remind myself over and over and apply it until it becomes a part of the routine.
Like yesterday, I had very little motivation today, but fortunately, I was able to apply the guideline of letting the body move, because the body knows what to do, and that was successful.
Although the experience was very painful emotionally yesterday, today there was very little anger, resentment, and guilt. Probably part of it was due to things that happened, also may be related to some practice that I did last night, that I brought to mind all of the people that were involved, and said to myself, they have a right to be this way the same way that I have that right, or they have a right to do x and y the same way that I have, or they have a right to feel this or that way the same way that I have that right, and that was very good.

I sometimes notice that almost all touch sensations are in the spectrum of sensations with sexual tone. Like any kind of pleasantness in the touch-field, is just a milder form of sexual feeling, even the pains. I am not sure to say this about all bodily sensations though. 

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