Polly Ester’s practice log 18 - Discussion
July 31st, 2023
Daily life:
Right now I’m doing some shadowwork in the sense of working through stuff that I struggle with in daily life, such as writing anxiety, e-mail phobia, procrastination and anxiety around tasks that require executive functioning. It has been clear to me for a long time that these difficulties not only impact my quality of life, but also hold me back in my practice. Yet, the thought of dealing with them has been overwhelming and the whole thing has been entangled with feelings of guilt and shame. Now it’s going unusually well, thanks to emotional and practical support from my pawo. It turns out that we are both very well suited for supporting the other party with our respective difficulties, as we have what seems to be the perfect combination of similarities and complementary traits, and since our communication is so smooth. Living together makes my life so much easier, and I both wake up and fall asleep profoundly happy. So - if anyone knows about a remote job offer suitable for a scientific writer specialized in organic chemistry, please let me know! When my partner has to go back to the US, we will both be devastated, and we are looking into ways for him to come here again and preferable move here.
Trip report, LSD:
For the first time in my life, I have tried psychedelics, specifically LSD. Now, before anyone draws any conclusions about my partner being a bad influence on me, I’d like to clarify that the initiative was mine and that I was the one who acquired the drugs. I have come to know quite a number of practicioners who have experimented with psychedelics as part of their practice, and it has made me more and more curious. One of those dharma friends offered to give me some, for free, as he finds that I’m stable enough to deal with it skillfully and have a solid practice. I was grateful for the opportunity.
My pawo and I did the trip together, last Wednesday (July 26th). We had received 6 gel tabs of ”some strong shit”, exact dosage unknown but supposedly on the strong side. For our first trip we took one tab each. I’m on SSRI but I skipped it that day, along with my ADHD medication. I had read up on possible interactions and prepared for the eventuality of a medical emergency. I know my body very well and know the early signs of excess serotonine. When the LSD kicked in I didn’t notice anything that would indicate such issues.
It was an interesting experience - confusing, lots of fun, deeply loving. I wouldn’t say that it did much for the spiritual path, though. My pawo and I shared some telepathic moments, or so we think, and time stopped being linear, and experience warped in on itself in fractals, with frames around frames and pockets within pockets, but referential points kept reappearing and anchor to consensus reality.
I found it confusing to have one foot in reality and one… not there. There were moments of everything feeling normal and then it warped and folded in on itself more and more, then it would unfold again, back and forth like that. There were cycles to it.
At one point I grabbed as many nectarines as I could carry and washed them and brought them to my bedside table so that I would have them ready the next time I knew what they were. I was hungry! We had only eaten breakfast (well, brunch) and it was evening. It seemed like the wise thing to do, making sure that there would be some nourishment. I also made myself some sandwiches and tea when I could. Interesting to note that I grabbed on to the consensus reality like that, even though at the same time I was also disappointed that it was still there.
I did a lot of introspective observations about what my mind was doing.
There were some visuals, but not the full-on kind. Faint rainbow colors coming from music. Some snakiness of the leaves of a tree outside. But most of all it was a warping of experience, with those frames around frames and pockets inside pockets. Hard at times to distinguish what actually happened from imagination. In trying to talk I would have the entire conversation in my head before getting out the words. Inside and outside was blurred. There were times when I knew the difference, according to consensus reality, and times when I definitely didn’t know, and times when I was somewhere between. Almost all the time I knew where I was on that spectrum. There was however one moment when I only knew one single thing, on a very primordial level. It was unity of my pawo and me.
My pawo described it like this elsewhere:
”OK so it was super cool ..
First of all it was a low dose trip but for the amount we took I thought it was awesome. Also with Linda, no particular new spiritual insight or anything, but there was a few very cool aspects to it
Firstly, there was an automatic blending of sense doors similar to what happens in Equanimity regarding formations
We shared music and didn't talk too much but there was a sort of fractal like- communication thing going on where it was clear that each micromoment was like a crossroads that led to different micromoments and I got the sense that there was much more rapid and fractal-like communication thing going on that felt like telekenisis that would not have been possible with verbal words. The music was extremely multidimensional and colorful, seeming to hit all sense door's. I played some stuff and she played some stuff and we made tea and hung out with the cats and at one point I made tea, and completely forgot about the tea, an entire nonverbal conversation happened that was like spending an entire day with someone, then I remembered the tea and it was like 5 minutes had passed but it was like a time warp. It was really like the boundaries between, thoughts, intentions, and events sort of lost their conceptual boundaries
((me: Indeed! I freaked out a bit when the tea was still super hot, because after all there are physical laws to how fast or slowly tea cools down, so it was a relatively objective measurement of time, and the communication we’d had during that time period was epic! There were so many levels to it! I laughed and cried at the same time when I realized that only a few minutes could have passed, objectively speeking. Time really is extremely relative.))
And I could tell that the placemarkers delineating conceptual boundaries and holding the sense of space and time and self and other together were simply perceptual add-ons that organize reality”
The next day I had a dip in serotonine levels, I think, and for hours I was in a bit of a hell hole of apathy. I took care of myself (and was taken care of by my partner) and the nuances of reality came back. I have previous experiences of running out of neurotransmitters, even just from highs from touch exercises, so I knew intellectually what it was and (of course) that it would pass.
I plan to have another trip, with two tabs, and meditate while it kicks in and then lie down in darkness and continue with visualizations. We will be doing that together as well.
Formal practice:
As for practice since the last log entry, I have been doing more of what I reported there. Focus and clarity have varied a great deal, and I have adjusted accordingly.
In my last log entry I forgot to mention that I fried myself energetically a bit when I was playing with mantras and pranayama together with spontaneous movement that turned into extatic dancing. I think maybe the part with a wrathful deity may have been especially over the top. It felt amazing, but it backfired with a few days of brainfog and bodily pain. Let’s just say that next time my partner says that maybe I should calm it down a bit and not overexert myself, I will listen.
The other day I had an interesting exchange with dharma friends about jhanas. It made me realize that I have over time come to raise my standards for what I regard as jhanas, to the extent that I have neglected to explore subtler versions and learn how to navigate them. In talking further about this with my pawo, with lots of calibrating of language, I was reminded of what to look for in the lite versions (hey, the body can actually be recognizable as a body, ar least to begin with!). I came to the conclusion that it’s unrealistic for me to cling so much to harder versions that it seems impossible to get into jhana when conditions aren’t optimal. There is much to learn from the subtle balancing, and it may very well be exactly what I need, as it has been a bit too much ”all or nothing”. A dharma friend explained that he prioritized stability over intensity. That’s an approach I hadn’t thought of, and I now intend to cultivate the skill of stabilizing jhana also when the intensity is lower.
Practice today:
Playing with several different tools to balance energy and relaxation and call up factors of lite 1st jhana over and over again to practice stabilizing it. That jhanas volitile features make it an excellent practice object for the purpose of really learning how to balance energy and relaxation and find just the right kind of drive.
I did a few different pranayamas and practiced a short while with the visualizations from Tantra 1 class 3. Then I integrated some of the mantra practice and played a little with some tech from the Recognition Sutras, breathing in focusing on the hert chakra and breathing out focusing on the crown chakra and feeling the energy move between those points and how the movement of subtle energy leads the way, before the breath. Then I switched to visualizations taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche in the dream and sleep yoga book, specifically the three kinds aiming at remedying hindrances. For getting focused when being restless, visualizing (and feeling) the central channel. For sluggishness, visualizing blue smoke whirling up through the central channel. For agitation, visualizing the Tibetan syllables of RA (yellow), LA (green), SHA (red) and SA (blue) on the four petaled red lotus in the throat chakra. I don’t know the exact shape of those four Tibetan syllables by heart, but I can manage to get relatively accurate glimpses of them, enough for me to believe that I have seen them. It’s a work in progress. Using visualizations and pranayamas for specific purposes to get the balance act right feels more interesting than following a predetermined routine. It keeps me on my toes, engaged and curious.
As the default focus object I used the central channel and the overall sense of energy in the physical body and the subtle body.
In the Tantra 1 course today, class 4, we learned some more pranayama and practiced it together. I was already familiar with the tech, but it was slightly different versions, and it was all put into context. It was good stuff. I’m looking forward to encorporating them into my balancing practice.
Daily life:
Right now I’m doing some shadowwork in the sense of working through stuff that I struggle with in daily life, such as writing anxiety, e-mail phobia, procrastination and anxiety around tasks that require executive functioning. It has been clear to me for a long time that these difficulties not only impact my quality of life, but also hold me back in my practice. Yet, the thought of dealing with them has been overwhelming and the whole thing has been entangled with feelings of guilt and shame. Now it’s going unusually well, thanks to emotional and practical support from my pawo. It turns out that we are both very well suited for supporting the other party with our respective difficulties, as we have what seems to be the perfect combination of similarities and complementary traits, and since our communication is so smooth. Living together makes my life so much easier, and I both wake up and fall asleep profoundly happy. So - if anyone knows about a remote job offer suitable for a scientific writer specialized in organic chemistry, please let me know! When my partner has to go back to the US, we will both be devastated, and we are looking into ways for him to come here again and preferable move here.
Trip report, LSD:
For the first time in my life, I have tried psychedelics, specifically LSD. Now, before anyone draws any conclusions about my partner being a bad influence on me, I’d like to clarify that the initiative was mine and that I was the one who acquired the drugs. I have come to know quite a number of practicioners who have experimented with psychedelics as part of their practice, and it has made me more and more curious. One of those dharma friends offered to give me some, for free, as he finds that I’m stable enough to deal with it skillfully and have a solid practice. I was grateful for the opportunity.
My pawo and I did the trip together, last Wednesday (July 26th). We had received 6 gel tabs of ”some strong shit”, exact dosage unknown but supposedly on the strong side. For our first trip we took one tab each. I’m on SSRI but I skipped it that day, along with my ADHD medication. I had read up on possible interactions and prepared for the eventuality of a medical emergency. I know my body very well and know the early signs of excess serotonine. When the LSD kicked in I didn’t notice anything that would indicate such issues.
It was an interesting experience - confusing, lots of fun, deeply loving. I wouldn’t say that it did much for the spiritual path, though. My pawo and I shared some telepathic moments, or so we think, and time stopped being linear, and experience warped in on itself in fractals, with frames around frames and pockets within pockets, but referential points kept reappearing and anchor to consensus reality.
I found it confusing to have one foot in reality and one… not there. There were moments of everything feeling normal and then it warped and folded in on itself more and more, then it would unfold again, back and forth like that. There were cycles to it.
At one point I grabbed as many nectarines as I could carry and washed them and brought them to my bedside table so that I would have them ready the next time I knew what they were. I was hungry! We had only eaten breakfast (well, brunch) and it was evening. It seemed like the wise thing to do, making sure that there would be some nourishment. I also made myself some sandwiches and tea when I could. Interesting to note that I grabbed on to the consensus reality like that, even though at the same time I was also disappointed that it was still there.
I did a lot of introspective observations about what my mind was doing.
There were some visuals, but not the full-on kind. Faint rainbow colors coming from music. Some snakiness of the leaves of a tree outside. But most of all it was a warping of experience, with those frames around frames and pockets inside pockets. Hard at times to distinguish what actually happened from imagination. In trying to talk I would have the entire conversation in my head before getting out the words. Inside and outside was blurred. There were times when I knew the difference, according to consensus reality, and times when I definitely didn’t know, and times when I was somewhere between. Almost all the time I knew where I was on that spectrum. There was however one moment when I only knew one single thing, on a very primordial level. It was unity of my pawo and me.
My pawo described it like this elsewhere:
”OK so it was super cool ..
First of all it was a low dose trip but for the amount we took I thought it was awesome. Also with Linda, no particular new spiritual insight or anything, but there was a few very cool aspects to it
Firstly, there was an automatic blending of sense doors similar to what happens in Equanimity regarding formations
We shared music and didn't talk too much but there was a sort of fractal like- communication thing going on where it was clear that each micromoment was like a crossroads that led to different micromoments and I got the sense that there was much more rapid and fractal-like communication thing going on that felt like telekenisis that would not have been possible with verbal words. The music was extremely multidimensional and colorful, seeming to hit all sense door's. I played some stuff and she played some stuff and we made tea and hung out with the cats and at one point I made tea, and completely forgot about the tea, an entire nonverbal conversation happened that was like spending an entire day with someone, then I remembered the tea and it was like 5 minutes had passed but it was like a time warp. It was really like the boundaries between, thoughts, intentions, and events sort of lost their conceptual boundaries
((me: Indeed! I freaked out a bit when the tea was still super hot, because after all there are physical laws to how fast or slowly tea cools down, so it was a relatively objective measurement of time, and the communication we’d had during that time period was epic! There were so many levels to it! I laughed and cried at the same time when I realized that only a few minutes could have passed, objectively speeking. Time really is extremely relative.))
And I could tell that the placemarkers delineating conceptual boundaries and holding the sense of space and time and self and other together were simply perceptual add-ons that organize reality”
The next day I had a dip in serotonine levels, I think, and for hours I was in a bit of a hell hole of apathy. I took care of myself (and was taken care of by my partner) and the nuances of reality came back. I have previous experiences of running out of neurotransmitters, even just from highs from touch exercises, so I knew intellectually what it was and (of course) that it would pass.
I plan to have another trip, with two tabs, and meditate while it kicks in and then lie down in darkness and continue with visualizations. We will be doing that together as well.
Formal practice:
As for practice since the last log entry, I have been doing more of what I reported there. Focus and clarity have varied a great deal, and I have adjusted accordingly.
In my last log entry I forgot to mention that I fried myself energetically a bit when I was playing with mantras and pranayama together with spontaneous movement that turned into extatic dancing. I think maybe the part with a wrathful deity may have been especially over the top. It felt amazing, but it backfired with a few days of brainfog and bodily pain. Let’s just say that next time my partner says that maybe I should calm it down a bit and not overexert myself, I will listen.
The other day I had an interesting exchange with dharma friends about jhanas. It made me realize that I have over time come to raise my standards for what I regard as jhanas, to the extent that I have neglected to explore subtler versions and learn how to navigate them. In talking further about this with my pawo, with lots of calibrating of language, I was reminded of what to look for in the lite versions (hey, the body can actually be recognizable as a body, ar least to begin with!). I came to the conclusion that it’s unrealistic for me to cling so much to harder versions that it seems impossible to get into jhana when conditions aren’t optimal. There is much to learn from the subtle balancing, and it may very well be exactly what I need, as it has been a bit too much ”all or nothing”. A dharma friend explained that he prioritized stability over intensity. That’s an approach I hadn’t thought of, and I now intend to cultivate the skill of stabilizing jhana also when the intensity is lower.
Practice today:
Playing with several different tools to balance energy and relaxation and call up factors of lite 1st jhana over and over again to practice stabilizing it. That jhanas volitile features make it an excellent practice object for the purpose of really learning how to balance energy and relaxation and find just the right kind of drive.
I did a few different pranayamas and practiced a short while with the visualizations from Tantra 1 class 3. Then I integrated some of the mantra practice and played a little with some tech from the Recognition Sutras, breathing in focusing on the hert chakra and breathing out focusing on the crown chakra and feeling the energy move between those points and how the movement of subtle energy leads the way, before the breath. Then I switched to visualizations taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche in the dream and sleep yoga book, specifically the three kinds aiming at remedying hindrances. For getting focused when being restless, visualizing (and feeling) the central channel. For sluggishness, visualizing blue smoke whirling up through the central channel. For agitation, visualizing the Tibetan syllables of RA (yellow), LA (green), SHA (red) and SA (blue) on the four petaled red lotus in the throat chakra. I don’t know the exact shape of those four Tibetan syllables by heart, but I can manage to get relatively accurate glimpses of them, enough for me to believe that I have seen them. It’s a work in progress. Using visualizations and pranayamas for specific purposes to get the balance act right feels more interesting than following a predetermined routine. It keeps me on my toes, engaged and curious.
As the default focus object I used the central channel and the overall sense of energy in the physical body and the subtle body.
In the Tantra 1 course today, class 4, we learned some more pranayama and practiced it together. I was already familiar with the tech, but it was slightly different versions, and it was all put into context. It was good stuff. I’m looking forward to encorporating them into my balancing practice.
